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THE COBLER: OR, A Wife of Ten Thouſand. A BALLAD OPERA. IN TWO ACTS. AS IT IS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, DRURY-LANE.

LONDON: Printed for T. BECKET, the Corner of the Adelphi, in the Strand. 1774.

[Price ONE SHILLING.]

ADVERTISEMENT.

[]

THE hint of the ſubſequent trifle is taken from the Blaiſe le Saveteir, of Sedan, as is the hint of the Club-ſcene from an eſſay of Dr. Goldſmith; and if the indulgent public find a few paſſable airs, and allow the dialogue to be worthy of filling the intervals, which are neceſſary in muſical pieces, to ſet off the ſongs; I truſt they will overlook the pictures of low life, I have in a manner conſidered myſelf obliged to draw as the proper ſubjects for ballads, which, unleſs they are familiar, and have ſomething like character and contraſt, 'tis next to impoſſibility but they muſt be dull and inſipid.

C. Dibdin.

Dramatis Perſonae.

[]
MEN.
SNOB,
Mr. BANNISTER,
NIPIKIN,
Mr. DIBDIN,
FROTH
Mr. PARSONS.
WOMEN.
ALICE,
Mrs. WRIGHTEN,
Mrs. NIPIKIN,
Mrs. LOVE.

[]The COBLER.

ACT I.

The COBLER's Houſe.
SNOB, who ſits at work, and ALICE.

AIR.

SNOB.
THREE pegs, and then I've done my job.
ALICE.
Ah, do not jeer me;
Will you leave me to complain!
SNOB.
I'll go as ſure as my name's Snob.
ALICE.
Nay, prithee hear me,
Nor let poor Alice thus ſue in vain:
Don't ſay me nay.
SNOB.
My friends all ſtay;
ALICE.
And will you, will you go away?
A word or two then 'ere you go:
I pray you tell me who am I?
Far better, Sir, than you, I trow,
For all you lift your head ſo high,
Would I have been the 'Squire's Miſs!
Didn't he offer mountains?
SNOB.
Yes.
ALICE.
Then more brute you to uſe me ſo;
For didn't I refuſe him?
SNOB.
No.
ALICE.
Why villain! varlet! to my face,
To tax me falſely with diſgrace;
I can moſt patiently endure
For you to be neglected—poor—
But this I ſwear,
Is more than I can bear.
SNOB.
[2]
Why, what's all this, you brazen quean?
Are you bewitch'd, or mad, or what?
Your wits are gone ſure quite and clean;
Laſt week, you jade, have you forgot?
Didn't I, with a ſtrap like this,
Trim well your jacket, huſſey?
ALICE.
Yes.
SNOB.
Then how can you provoke me ſo;
For didn't you deſerve it?
ALICE.
No.
SNOB.
Why, ſaucy baggage! Oh, diſgrace!
The lie direct! and to my face!
I've borne, 'tis now the ſeventh year,
That vixen tongue of your's, my dear.
But this I ſwear,
Is more than I can bear.
ALICE.
You to the alehouſe then will go,
And leave poor me afflicted here:
SNOB.
Only to drink a pot, or ſo,
Of Nipikin's delicious beer.
ALICE.
You ſhan't, Sir.
SNOB.
What, I ſhan't? Oh, ho!
Will you be quiet, huſſey?
ALICE.
No,
I won't. What ſort of treatment's this?
SNOB.
What ſtill you brave me, do you?
ALICE.
Yes.
Shall you thus ſquander every ſhilling,
While I'm as ragged as a colt?
SNOB.
Why vixen!
ALICE.
Varlet!
SNOB.
Baggage!
ALICE.
Villain!
SNOB.
Huſſey!
ALICE.
Numſcul!
SNOB.
Slattern!
ALICE.
Dolt!
Both.
This, this, I ſwear,
Is more than I can bear!
SNOB.
[3]

Why, you jade. what do you prate at?—Isn't Saint Monday, and are not the club waiting for me?

ALICE.

The club!—Yes, indeed, you need ſquander your ſubſtance among a parcel of raggamuffins, 'till you bring yourſelf, and your poor wife, to a jail.

SNOB.

Why, you impudent vixen, are Maſter Muggins, Joey Jenkins, and Gaffer Grumble, raggamuffins? Is the pimple-nos'd Exciſeman a raggamuffin? or are little Hone the barber, Lawyer Peſt, and Mr. Confuſion, the ſurgeon, raggamuffins? But I don't know what's come to you, ſince you have had the credit of being a tradeſman's wife!

ALICE.

O yes, great credit to be ſure. Don't Mrs. Marmalade, the 'Squire's houſe-keeper, and every one of the other gentlefolks that I am acquainted with, turn up their noſes; and don't they cry, only think that ſuch a comely young woman, and one that has been ſo genteelly edicated, ſhould throw herſelf away upon ſuch a fellow as Snob, the cobler? But 'tis always your way: You don't know how ſoon Mr. Nipikin, our landlord—

SNOB.

Ha, ha, ha.

ALICE.

What's the matter with you?

SNOB.

Ha, ha, ha. I can't help laughing if I was to die for it: To think of the old fool going about talking of his conſequence, and ſmirking at every girl he ſees.

ALICE.

O, as to that, if report does not belie her, old Madam Nipikin is as fond of ſmirking after the fellows as he is after the girls: But, as I was ſaying, you don't know how ſoon he may take away the little we have.

SNOB.

You are always dinning that in my ears, as if it was through my miſconduct, that we are in ſuch diſtreſs.

ALICE.
[4]

Why will you face me down, that it is not through your miſconduct? Are not all my misfortunes owing to you? Did not you come down into the country, when I was in my firſt place, and pretended that you were a young gentleman run away for killing your friend in a duel?—And did not I, becauſe the butler was my ſweetheart, contrive to get you into the houſe?—Did not you perſuade me to get a key to the pantry? And was not I, upon your account, turn'd away—Oh, that I had never ſeen your bewitching face!

SNOB.

Well, well, but Alice—

ALICE.

And afterwards when I liv'd at the 'Squire's, at the ſame time you offered to take your oath that you lov'd nobody but me; had not you a child by the blind fidler's daughter? and was not I fool enough to give a year's wages to make the matter up.

SNOB.

Alice, I tell you—

ALICE.

But henceforward, ſooner will I believe that a room can be clean without being ſwept; that braſſes will look bright without being ſcoured; or that butter will come when the witch is in the churn; than that truth or conſtancy can be found in man!

[5]AIR.
Ah! have you forgot then, unkind as you are,
When houſemaid I liv'd at the 'Squire's;
All the wine and good things that I cribb'd with ſuch care,
Every morn when I lighted the fires?
And have you forgot how I lean'd on my broom,
And in rapture heard all that you ſaid;
'Till ſcolded I got for not ſweeping the room,
And beat for not making the bed.
II.
When you told me you'd have me, my bruſh and my mop
Kept time, while with pleaſure I'd ſing:
And ſoon 'twas the talk at the chandler's ſhop,
You had purchas'd the licence and ring.
But when, with ſuch joy, we return'd from the church,
And with truth I could call you my own;
You ſwore that I ne'er ſhould be left in the lurch,
And I envied no Queen on her throne.

SCENE II.

[6]
SNOB.

The jade has ſuffered a deviliſh deal, that's the truth on't; and one way or other my circumſtances are in a bleſſed way. If my Maſter Nipikin ſhould ſeize my goods, as he ſwore laſt night he would, 'tis all over with us—Well, 'tis to be hoped ſomething elſe will turn up—This is now about my twelfth metamorphoſis; and, faith, I ſhould be very ſorry to throw it off; for I have taſted more ſatisfaction under the habit of a cobler, than I ever did in any of my other characters, though a ſoldier, a mountebank, an exciſeman, and an itinerant preacher, were among the number.

AIR.
Like a tennis ball am I,
Now ſinking low, now bounding high;
Bandied here, and bandied there,
To and fro, and every where.
Now on the topmoſt round
Of fortune's wheel I fly:
Now am I groveling found,
Beneath her feet to lie.
Still like a tennis ball I fare,
Now on the ground, now in the air,
Bandied here, and bandied there,
To and fro, and every where.
Contentment, health, and competence,
Are rarely found in any lot;
And therefore will I learn from hence,
To keep and prize the one I've got.

SCENE III.

[7]
ALICE, afterwards FROTH.
ALICE.

How I am us'd, and after behaving to him as I do!—He does not deſerve ſuch a true and faithful wife; for I am ſure, though I have never mentioned a word of it, that Mr. Nipikin has been trying a whole twelvemonth to make me bad, and I have always given him his own with a witneſs: And as for Dick Froth, the tapſter, if I'd go off with him, I am ſure he'd love me for ever; and every body knows that Dick, on account of his town-edication, is the gayeſt young fellow in theſe parts: I don't mind being poor a bit, if I could but be us'd kind.—I have it: Dick's miſtreſs, Madam Nipikin, is as fond of him as the old fool, his maſter, is of me; and ſo—but here he comes.—Your ſervant, Mr. Richard; what have you done with my huſband?

FROTH.

Why he is fairly ſet in with his guzzling companions; and ſo I thought I could not take a more properer time, than while you are left like a turkle here alone, to ſhew you the difference between him who deſerts you, and him who would wiſh to deſerve you—was not that very prettily ſaid of me?

ALICE.

Indeed, Mr. Richard, I don't underſtand being affronted ſo. I told you, you know, the laſt time you talked to me in this manner, that I'd tell my huſband.

FROTH.

Oh, my dear, I have been too much among the Bucks de Sprits of the age to mind huſbands; beſides, my dear, what you drink with your meals, need not hinder you from having a cordial privately in your cloſet—Prettily ſaid again.

ALICE.
[8]

I'll be even with you for all this impudence.—Well, Mr. Richard, you are ſo ſmart, and ſo clever; where the duce did you get all theſe winning ways?

FROTH.

I dont know, my dear, they came naturally to me: Take pity on me, for ſtamp my vitals, as my Lord Huntingdon ſays in the play, if I en't immenſely in love with you.

ALICE.

How can that be, when your miſtreſs—

FROTH.

What, you are jealous of her?—Don't name the old frightful Jezebel;—why I only ſay a few civil things to her now and then, that I may be able to ſport this appearance.

ALICE.

And have you endur'd ſo much as you ſay upon my account?

FROTH.

Endur'd! why, my dear, I have endur'd more than would kill ten horſes; what with your cruelty, and the drudgery of making love to my miſtreſs, I have endur'd more than ever Cannibal did, when he paſs'd over the what-you-call-'ems, the froſty mountains to fight Skippio.

ALICE.

And what would you ſay, if I was to be kinder?

FROTH.

Say!—that—that—lord, I don't know what I ſhould ſay.

ALICE.

Well, if you'll promiſe to do as I would have you, I don't know but I may.

FROTH.

Raptures and Paradiſe!

ALICE.

You muſt favour the old woman, and get what money you can from her; I'll do the ſame by your maſter, and then when we have got a pretty good ſum together, we'll march off, and let them find us where they can.

FROTH.

What a devilliſh deal of wit you have—Well, I'll go about it directly—Bleſs you, I can wheedle her out of any thing—I ſay what a charming [9] ſcheme 'twill be—I'll take care and have it put in all the papers. How prettily it will ſound: ‘"Laſt week eloped from her huſband, Mrs. Alicia Snob, in company with a genteel young man, one Richard Froth, a tapſter at the Black Ram, in the village of Guzzlewell; the reaſon of her committing this raſh action is not known."’—Adieu, I'll ſoon bring you ſome of the old woman's caſh.

SCENE IV.

ALICE.

With this money, and what I can wheedle from the old man, will I ſettle Snob's affairs; and who knows, when he finds I have done ſo kindly by him, but he'll repent of his follies, and behave better to me for the future. But ſuppoſe he does not—I muſt bear it as well as I can—for though I am not very wiſe, I have ſenſe enough to know, that a woman who can conſent to be wicked to revenge herſelf upon her huſband, only takes a thorn out of her finger, to place it in her heart.

[10]AIR.
Such uſage as this is, what wife but myſelf
Wou'd put up with, and not ſigh and ſob?
No croſs in her pocket, or food on her ſhelf,
Or what huſband wou'd let her, but Snob?
And yet let me hope, though for every crime,
He had more than there's days in a year,
That his heart is ſo good, I ſhould ſtill ſee the time,
When a different man he'd appear.
II.
But if I'm deceiv'd, while another gueſs wife
So treated, would ſcold and revile;
Though poor, though confin'd in a priſon for life,
With him, I'd endeavour to ſmile.
I love him, and every way I'll purſue,
In my power, his affections to keep;
And if then he ſhould ſlight me, I've nothing to do,
But to wiſh he was kinder—and weep.

SCENE V.

[11]
NIPIKIN, FROTH.
NIP.

Well, now is every thing going as I would have it; are the company in the one, the two, the three, and the five, ſatisfied; do they ſay they have no reaſon to complain?

FROTH.

Yes, yes, Sir, all ſatisfied. The company up ſtairs, who you know are always pleaſed, if there is any thing to be pleaſed at, are as merry; lord! they are laughing ready to ſplit their ſides; thoſe below, indeed, look a little ſerious and wiſe; but to ſay the truth, they are generally ſuch a pack of—

NIP.

Huſh, you young dog, huſh! you don't conſider that every thing muſt be recommended to them before it will get a good name abroad—What do they ſay who come in carriages?

FROTH.

Oh, they are as good-natur'd as uſual. You have nothing to do but to ſet Worceſterſhire Perry before them, and call it Champaigne.

NIP.

I won't ſuffer you to ſay theſe things before me, Mr. Richard: You don't conſider, that to the gueſts, who frequent this houſe, I owe all I have in the world; and are under the ſame obligation to them all, from the club-room, where they call for twelve-penny worth of punch, to the beſt parlour, where they give five ſhillings for a bottle of Claret—But I muſt not ſtand idling here—See if your miſtreſs has ſeen after the things—Coming, coming, there!

SCENE VI.

[12]
The CLUB ROOM.
SNOB, GRUMBLE, JENKINS, MUGGINS, CONTUSION, PEST, the EXCISEMAN, and HONE, ſitting round a table. SNOB drunk.
SNOB.

Mr. Preſident, what you ſaid laſt, is very true; if the people of this kingdom were but a little more regular in their manners, there would not be ſo much confuſion as there is.

EXCISE.

Come, let us knock down order, and proceed in the moſt promiſcuous manner imaginable.

JEN.

Mr. Preſident, my ſervice to you—And, Maſter Muggins, as to what you was mentioning juſt now, about the little thing I have to ſell, there is not a prettier bit of horſe fleſh—

CON.

Why, Sir,

(addreſſing himſelf to Hone, to whom he ſeem'd to have been talking before)

I was call'd in too late, without doubt, but it was as good a cure—

HONE.
(To Contuſion)

How was the patient affected, Sir?

CON.

Why, Sir, the contuſion on his head had perforated the internal membrane of the occiput, and devilicated that radical ſmall minute inviſible nerve.

SNOB.

Damn your inviſible nerve!—drink about.

PEST.
(To Grumble)

Why, Sir, if you aſk my ſentiments, I ſhould adviſe to bring an action of trover:

GRUM.
(To Peſt)

Pray, Lawyer Peſt, what may that ſame trover be?

MUG.
(To Jenkins)

How, trot fourteen miles and a half in an hour, and but twelve hands and a half high?

CON.
[13]
(To Hone)

And ſo, Sir, after a copious and plentiful phlebotamy, which—

PEST.
(To Grumble)

The court, you ſee, having ordered the things to be reſtor'd—

JEN.

Why, at Nettle-down race, there were four fillies—

PEST.
(To Grumble)

The heirs in tail—

CON.
(To Hone)

And of all the compound fractures I ever ſaw—

MUG.

Why, I tell you, this horſe—

CON.
(To Hone)

His pulſe—

PEST.
(To Grumble)

The judge—

JEN.
(To Muggins)

And for a mane and tail—

HONE.
Speaking together.

What a cure!

CON.
Speaking together.

He was lacerated—

PEST.
Speaking together.

No jury alive—

JEN.
Speaking together.

The beſt farrier—

GRUM.
Speaking together.

I'll never go to law then—

MUG.
Speaking together.

Fine paces—

EXCISE.

Come, come, knock down ſilence—and knock down our honeſt neighbour Snob for a ſong.

SNOB.

No, no, I'll tell you what we'll do; we'll ſing our laſt new catch and glee.

EXCISE.

So we will, and then we'll go home.

[14]CATCH.
Come will you go, or will you not?
We'll only call for t'other pot;
'Tis a cold night, 'twill keep us warm,
Another pot will do no harm.
No, let's be gone.
The clock ſtrikes one.
Well, let it ſtrike, and ſtrike again,
'Tis time enough to count it when
Our money's ſpent, and liquor gone,
Then tell not me the clock ſtrikes one.
Here, waiter, bring us t'other pot:
Come, will you ſtay, or will you not.
GLEE.
Now wives and children make no noiſe,
And care with mirth we ſeaſon:
Let's puſh about the bowl, my boys,
For drinking is no treaſon.
Here's love and friendſhip—hand and heart,
To worth, here's health and freedom;
May every rogue have his deſert,
More friends to thoſe who need them.

SCENE VII.

[15]
SNOB, Mrs. NIPIKIN.
SNOB.

Now being quite ſober, and in my perfect ſenſes, let me reflect a little about my affairs—What ſhall I do to extricate myſelf?—Suppoſe I ſtrike up to old Mother Nipikin—that's the mark! Stay—ſtay, here ſhe comes! I'll liſten and here what ſort of a humour ſhe is in.

Mrs. NIP.

Well, ſurely, nothing can be a more ſimpler contract, than for a woman of my prudence and virtue, to place her infections upon a rattle-pated boy! If we like a man, the lighteſt hint ſophiſticates, whereas a boy propoſes upon us.

SNOB.

Madam, your humble ſervant. As to what you was a ſaying of a woman of your age and prudence, fixing your affections upon a boy, I agree with you, that it is a damn'd fooliſh thing; we are all ſophiſticated, as you call it, at one time or another, by love. For inſtance now, you are as ugly, and as old as any gentlewoman need to be, yet I don't know how it is, I am ſtark mad in love with you, and can think of nothing elſe.

[16]AIR.
Whene'er I am mending a ſhoe,
Every thing in my ſtall that I view,
To my doating remembrance brings you,
While my heart in my boſom goes throb.
The beſt upper leather's your hair,
Your ſkin is the lining ſo fair,
My awl to your eyes I compare,
Which wounded the heart of poor Snob.
II.
Your teeth, which like ivory ſhew,
Are the pegs in a white even row,
Which I drive, while at every blow,
My heart in my boſom goes throb.
Each object of you bears a part,
Your wit, that's ſo piercing and ſmart,
Is my knife, but my lap-ſtone your heart,
Which will ne'er let you pity poor Snob.
Mrs. NIP.
[17]

Is the man mad?

SNOB.

Why, don't I tell you I am—I am in love with you, and do you want a better proof of it?

Mrs. NIP.

How dare you?

SNOB.

Why to be ſure, one had need of a little reſolution—And yet now when you hide your face, you are not ſo diſagreeable.

Mrs. NIP.

Why, you villain!

SNOB.

Don't be in a paſſion.

Mrs. NIP.

To affront the wife of a man, who has requir'd ſuch a fortune!

SNOB.

Now don't ſpoil that ſweet face of your's; I tell you, I have been in love with you a great while, though I never ſpoke of it before; I think of you from morning till night, and dream of you from night till morning; and when I ſit in my ſtall, and reflect upon your beauty, and my unworthineſs, I leave off whiſtling and fall a crying—She comes to—

Mrs. NIP.

Why you ſurprize me, Mr. Snob!

SNOB.

Why, Lord love you, I am ſurpriſed myſelf! but it is true, you are never out of my mind; you have more charms and graces than there are ſtitches in a ſhoe! and if you don't take compaſſion on me, I'll ſnatch up one of my own awls, and make an end of myſelf!

Mrs. NIP.

Oh, I would not for the world have you kill yourſelf upon my account.

SNOB.

Take me then to your arms!

(Goes to kiſs her.
Mrs. NIP.

O fye!

SNOB.

Nay, dear beautiful angel!

Mrs. NIP.

How can you!

(ſtruggling.
SNOB.

Nectar and Ambroſia!

[18]AIR.
Be eaſy, can't you, fye, for ſhame!
Dear me, how I am treated!
I'm ſure you'd not be ſo to blame,
But that you're 'toxicated.
Pray, pray be quiet, neighbour Snob,
Don't act now ſo contrary:
Make love to me—a pretty job!
I'm quite in a quandary.
II.
Surely the man's beſide his wits,
I won't then, Sir, be tumbled;
You'll really fright me into fits,
Oh, dear, how I am humbled!
Again! there's no enduring this;
Well, there—are you contented?
Better to give a fool a kiſs,
Than with him be tormented.

SCENE VIII.

SNOB, Mrs. NIPIKIN, NIPIKIN, and afterwards ALICE.
Mrs. NIP.

Have done, you wicked creature!

SNOB.

Oh extaſy!—rapture!—inexpreſſible!—

Mrs. NIP.

Ah.

SNOB.

Zounds! what d'ye ſquall for?

Mrs. NIP.

Don't you ſee my huſband?—Oh, my dear Mr. Nipikin, I am glad you are come!

NIP.
[19]

What's the matter, my love?

Mrs. NIP.

I was but clearing away the things, and this druken fellow, who hid himſelf in a corner to rob the houſe, I ſuppoſe, ſeized upon me.

SNOB.

Here's a devil for you!—now I ſhall ſettle my affairs with a vengeance!

NIP.

Why, how dare you to attempt to behave in this ſcandalous manner to a woman of Mrs. Nipikin's conſequence? Why, you muſt be the moſt brazen-fronted villain—

SNOB.

Fronted! who's affronted? I an't.

Mrs. NIP.

To be ſerv'd ſo, 'tis a ſhame!

(Cries.
SNOB.

Madam, if I ſaid any thing to offend your delicacy—I give umbrage!—What can any man ſay more?—I—give—umbrage.

NIP.

Go, you drunken, ſenſeleſs villain! I'll puniſh you! you ſhan't be my tenant a day longer!—His wife us'd me like a vixen the laſt time I ſaw her—and to-morrow morning I'll as ſurely ſeize upon all your goods!—If the impudent jade had but given me one ſmile!

ALICE.

Mr. Snob, why will you ſtay from me ſo? I was afraid ſome accident had happened to you.

SNOB.

Why, my dear, there was a trifling one.

ALICE.

What's the matter?

AIR.

[20]
Mrs. NIP.
Good ma'am, this here's the ſimple matter:
Your pretty huſband here thought fit,
Finding me alone, to flatter
This poor face, to ſhew his wit;
So thinking no ſuch treatment right,
Leſt he ſome rudeneſs ſhould commit,
I ſcream'd, I own, with all my might.
SNOB.
II.
Now let me ſpeak—This accuſation,
Partly falſe, and partly true,
Is meant to blind her inclination,
Both from old Nipikin and you;
D'ye mind me, I ſay little—mum,
I ſpoke, was in a charming cue,
And ſo 'twas well her huſband come.
NIP.
III.
Ne'er mind him, he's a ſhameleſs villain!
No one word's truth that he has ſaid:
Madam Nipikin, be willing,
T'abuſe the honour of my bed;
But you're rightly ſerv'd, d'ye ſee,
And ſpurn your intereſt—in his ſtead,
You know you might have conquer'd me.
ALICE.
[21]
IV.
For you, good ma'am, I beg your pardon;
No doubt you're right to be ſo nice:
For you, you brute, go on and harden,
Improving ſtill in every vice.
I make my curtſy, Sir, to you,
Who have, I know full well, a ſpice
Of honeſty in all you do.
CHORUS.
V.
So now, our ſeveral lot's admiring,
Let's e'en go peaceably to bed;
And every one, as they're retiring,
Reflect on what has now been ſaid;
To-morrow, when we all are cool,
Will, every thought of anger fled,
Shew who's the wit, and who the fool.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.

ACT II.

[22]

SCENE I.

NIPIKIN, Mrs. NIPIKIN, and afterwards FROTH.
NIP.

HERE it is!—Here's the inventory of the ſcoundrel's goods! Peſt and I have taken care of him.

—(Reads.)—

‘"Inventory of the goods and chattels of Criſpin Snob, the cobler, of Guzzlewell. Imprimis: Four joint ſtools, one of them with but two legs. Item: A large wainſcot dining-table, wanting only one leaf. Item: A piece of tapeſtry hanging made uſe of to keep out the cold where the wall was broken down, with a curious ſtory wrought on it, Juno lecturing Jupiter about his amours, the Jupiter perfect all but his thunder, which ſeems by ſome miſtake to be in the hands of Juno."’

Mrs. NIP.

We'll have it fram'd, huſband, and hang it under the ſtag's horns in the great hall.

NIP.

"Item: A large book, bought at an auction out of Sir Michael Minikin's houſe; containing above three hundred and ſeventy prints of macaroni gentlemen and ladies, out of Mr. Darley's collection."’

Mrs. NIP.

We'll have them paſted upon a lemon ground, all the way upon our ſtair caſe.

NIP.
[23]

Item: A black window curtain, formerly a pall belonging to Mr. Shroud, the undertaker.—Item—

FROTH.
(coming on)

Sir, Mr. Peſt is aſking for you.

NIP.

Very well, I'll come to him directly—I'll hamper him, I'll teach him to behave ill to people of conſequence.

AIR.
I'll teach ſuch a fellow as this is, I will,
To uſe diſreſpect to his betters;
And that minx too, his wife, myſelf I could kill,
For wearing that baggage's fetters.
Shall I ſuch indignity tamely receive,
Who at ſchool went through every forum?
Have been conſtable ſince, overſeer, under-ſhrieve,
Church-warden, and one of the Quorum?
II.
Of ſuch impudence I never heard in my life;
He all ſight of decency loſes:
He runs in my debt, he makes love to my wife,
And if aſk'd but to pay, he refuſes.
And ſhall I ſuch indignity, &c.

SCENE II.

[24]
The COBLER's HOUSE.
SNOB, and ALICE.
ALICE.

Well, Sir, now I think you have pretty well done for yourſelf.

SNOB.

Don't oppreſs the fallen, good wife; but who the devil could have thought that this old thief—

ALICE.

Why I thought it, and I told you of it, but my comfort is, that it is owing to no fault of mine; I have taken care enough to diſcharge the duty of a wife, for I am ſure there has not been one breakfaſt, dinner, or ſupper, for this twelve-month paſt, that I have not told you of a hundred and fifty faults, and all to no purpoſe.

SNOB.

Prithee, prithee, don't upbraid me; what's to be done?

ALICE.

I ſuppoſe I ſhould get no thanks if I was to tell you.

SNOB.

You tell me!

ALICE.

Ay, I tell you: I have it in my power to make all well again. But what ſignifies getting you out of one hobble, when you would directly get into another.

SNOB.

Ay, I wiſh it depended upon that.

ALICE.

It does then; and if you'll promiſe to love me, and nobody elſe; to ſtay at home and mind your buſineſs for the future, I'll tell you how.

SNOB.

I'll not only promiſe all thou haſt aſk'd, but perform it, which is better.

ALICE.

Well, get behind that ſkreen, where you ſhall witneſs for me, that I have told you nothing but truth.

SNOB.
[25]
AIR.
From henceforth only prove, dear wife,
That what you ſay be true;
Like any child, through all my life.
Will I be rul'd by you.
In all profeſſions, every trade,
They always think it beſt,
For gen'ral good, that one be made
A chief above the reſt.
So from henceforth, &c.
Your council only ſtrokes his band,
Until the judge appears;
The captain may the ſhip command,
The pilot 'tis that ſteers.
So from henceforth, &c.
While novices will vainly try
The hounds to whiſtle back,
The huntſman gives the well-known cry,
And ſoon calls off the pack.
So from henceforth, &c.

SCENE III.

[26]
FROTH, ALICE. SNOB liſtening.
FROTH.

Ah, my ſweet fragrant flower of beauty!—here I come! here's the money!—If I could but have ſlid down through the tiles of the houſe, I ſhould have been a perfect Job in a ſhower of gold.

SNOB.

So, ſo.

ALICE.

Well, did you wheedle her nicely for me?

FROTH.

Who, the old woman? There are twenty guineas in that purſe, and if they were all chang'd into farthings you would not have as many pieces of money, as I ſwore oaths and told lyes to get it.

ALICE.

And are not you afraid to truſt it to my care?

FROTH.

My dear, if it was the treaſure of Prue and Mixico, I'd lay them at your feet—But I have not a moment to ſtay; I only call'd to bring you the money—Take it, my maſter had juſt given it her to pay the brewer.

ALICE.

Well, and when ſhall we go off?

FROTH.

'Twould be a pity to leave her yet, ſhe is in a devil of a generous humour—let us get all we can.

ALICE.

Why, indeed, I ſhould wiſh to decamp like ourſelves.

FROTH.

Oh! 'twill make a monſtrous eclat, never fear it. Adieu—my life—my ſoul—

SCENE IV.

[27]
SNOB, and ALICE.
SNOB.

Your ſervant, Maſter Froth—But, Alice, how came I not to know of this before?

ALICE.

Becauſe it would have made you uneaſy, and I thought I could not have a better opportunity than this; for while I expoſe him, I do you ſervice.

SNOB.

Come thou to my arms then; and thou to my pocket—Oh! how I long to be reveng'd upon the old woman.

ALICE.

There is more revenge in your power yet.

SNOB.

Ay!

ALICE.

What would you ſay if I ſhould expoſe the old fellow in the ſame manner?

SNOB.

I'd hold thee up as a pattern for all wives—there ſhould be nothing thou couldſt aſk but I'd grant.

ALICE.

I hear him coming, begone!

SCENE V.

[28]
ALICE, NIPIKIN, who ſhe ſeems not to perceive, but who liſtens to her, and SNOB behind the ſcreen.

AIR.

ALICE.
I'm bouna, alas! to curſe the day,
That villain, Snob, came in my way;
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
NIP.
Alone! in tears! ſomething's abrew,
And this may be worth liſtening to.
So, ſo, ſo, ſo.
SNOB.
How well the baggage puts on grief!
And ſee the looks of the old thief!
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
ALICE.
Firſt, to beat me black and blue,
Then run away and leave me too!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
NIP.
I'm always touch'd when beauty grieves;
Poor boſom! how it pants and heaves?
So, ſo, ſo, ſo.
SNOB.
My treatment how the jade derides?
He's crying; I ſhall ſplit my ſides:
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
together
ALICE.
No wife was ever ſerv'd like me.
NIP.
I can't but cry for company.
SNOB.
The plot will take I plainly ſee.
ALICE.
[29]

What ſhall I do?—The wicked man to run away, and leave ſuch a good wife.

NIP.

Run away!

SNOB.

Well ſaid, Alice.

ALICE.

I ſhall never be looked upon again—but it ſerves me right—Fool as I was to affront poor Mr. Nipikin!

NIP.

Poor Mr. Nipikin! Oh, Hoh!

ALICE.

But I am always blind to my own intereſt, if I had not, I ſhould have ſeen the difference; he's ſo ſmart, and ſo tender!

NIP.

I ſee ſhe'll hear reaſon now.

ALICE.

And then his perſon is ſo agreeable!

NIP.

She would not believe me, when I told her all his.

ALICE.

So engaging!

NIP.

Yes, yes, 'tis plain ſhe has ſeen her error.

ALICE.

But what ſignifies all theſe things now? He uſed to admire me to be ſure; but now, how can I expect he'll caſt away a look upon ſuch a poor forlorn creature as I am?

NIP.

I can't bear this!—Behold him here as much your admirer as ever!

[30]AIR.
When we meet with a woman deſerted,
Expos'd to the world and its cares;
Abandon'd, forlorn, tender-hearted,
And fearful each ſtep of new ſnares.
'Tis of every man but the duty,
Whilſt he ſees her oppreſs'd with her fears;
By ſoothing,
And ſmoothing;
And vowing,
And bowing;
And ogling and ſighing,
And melting and dying,
To give conſolation to beauty,
And to perſuade her to dry up her tears.
II.
Behold then your champion in me, Ma'am,
With pity I find you diſtreſs'd;
Confide, then you quickly ſhall ſee, Ma'am,
How gladly I ſerve the oppreſs'd.
Believe me, I think it my duty,
While I ſee you o'ercome with your fears,
By ſoothing,
And ſmoothing;
And vowing,
And bowing;
And ogling and ſighing,
And melting and dying,
To give conſolation to beauty,
And perſuade you to dry up your tears.
ALICE.
[31]

Indeed, Sir, you don't know how cruelly I have been us'd?

NIP.

Ah, I don't doubt it! the villain! what he is run away, is he?

ALICE.

Yes, Sir.

NIP.

The ſcoundrel! and he us'd to beat you, did he?

ALICE.

Black and blue, Sir.

NIP.

Such a ſweet creature too! Oh, the hard hearted! What, and—and call you names?

ALICE.

Every thing but Gentlewoman, Sir.

NIP.

What people there are in the world? Well, you are quite ſenſible that you have been to blame, I ſuppoſe?

ALICE.

Quite, Sir.

NIP.

I am glad to hear it? And if I was to be kind to you, you'd be grateful?

ALICE.

Indeed, Sir, I would: And ſince you encourage me, I'll tell you what I have been thinking of.

NIP.

Well.

ALICE.

That if you'd overlook all the ill uſage you have receiv'd from me, and give me a ſort of releaſe for all my huſband owes you, he'd come back again; for I have reaſon to believe he is not far off, and then every Monday night when he went to the club—

NIP.

I could come and ſee you.

ALICE.

Yes, Sir.

NIP.

Adad, thou haſt made me the happieſt man in the world! And wilt thou be kind?

ALICE.
[32]
AIR.
I know not how to ſay you nay,
There's ſomething in your air ſo gay,
So ſmart, genteel, and degage;
In ſhort, Sir, ſo uncommon;
That even the moſt obdurate fair,
For ſuch perfection muſt declare;
Alas! then, Sir, my bluſhes ſpare,
For I'm a very woman.
Some fancy pers'nal graces,
Some graces of the mind;
Her love on you who places,
Will all the graces find.
NIP.

I can hold no longer!

(takes out his pocket-book and writes)

there—there it is! I make thee a preſent of it, red Morocco pocket-book, ſilver-claſps and all.

ALICE.

And I, as in duty bound, give it to my huſband.

NIP.

Oh, the devil, he here!

SCENE the laſt.

[33]
SNOB, NIPIKIN, Mrs. NIPIKIN, and ALICE.
NIP.

And ſhe here! now I'm in a pretty pickle indeed!

SNOB.

Madam, I don't know what your buſineſs is with your huſband, but you are come in excellent time to give him a lecture for making love to my wife.

Mrs. NIP.

And this is the return for all the intention I have ſhewn you? but I am perfectly manur'd to ill-treatment.

SNOB.

Come, hang it, we muſt not let her carry it off ſo.—Maſter Nipikin, aſk her what ſhe did with the twenty pounds you gave her to pay the brewer?

NIP.

How's this!

Mrs. NIP.

Why, what did I do with it?

ALICE.

You gave it to your lover, Mr. Richard Froth, who gave it to me.

NIP.

What d'ye mean?

ALICE.

I'll explain.

[34]AIR.
'Twas in a village, near Caſtlebury,
A Cobler and his Wife did dwell;
And for a time no two ſo merry;
Their happineſs no tongue can tell:
But to this couple, the neighbours tell us,
Something did happen that caus'd much ſtrife,
For going to a neighbouring alehouſe,
The man got druuk and beat his wife.
II.
But though he treated her ſo vilely,
What did this wife, good creature do?
Slept ſnug, and found a method ſlily,
To wring his heart quite through and through;
For Dick the tapſter, and his maſter,
By the report that then was rife,
Were both in hopes, by this diſaſter,
To gain the Cobler's pretty wife,
III.
While things went on to rack and ruin,
And all their furniture was ſold,
She ſeem'd t'approve what each was doing,
And got from each a purſe of gold:
So when the Cobler's cares were over,
He ſwore to lead an alter'd life,
To mind his work, ne'er be a rover,
And love no other but his wife.

We have now nothing to do, I think, my dear, but to thank you, Sir, for releaſing us out of all our troubles; and you, Ma'am, for giving us money to ſet up afreſh.

NIP.
[35]

The whole of one accuſation, to my ſhame, I confeſs.

Mrs. NIP.

And I own I cannot deny one particle of the other.

SNOB.

I need not then adviſe you to be friends, becauſe one is as much to blame as the other. As to the money, take it, Alice, do with it what you pleaſe. Henceforward I'll be guided by you; and if my neighbours aſk me, why I am ſo happy, when they hear me ſing, as I work in my ſtall, I'll tell them, 'tis becauſe I have A WIFE OF TEN THOUSAND.

AIR.

SNOB.
Joy ſhall henceforth ſpring around,
Pleaſure ſhall await our call;
And real happineſs be found,
Within a lowly Cobler's ſtall.
Tho' ſunk by fortune poor and low,
Did great ones ſee our happy life,
They'd wiſh their grandeur to forgo,
And imitate the Cobler's wife.
Mrs. NIP.
II.
And what becomes of you and I?
Our pride, methinks, is taken down;
We've held, I fear, our heads too high,
To be thus humbled by a clown.
If then what's paſt you will forget,
For you're not wrong'd upon my life,
I'll mind the pattern ſhe has ſet,
And imitate the Cobler's wife.
ALICE.
[34] [...][35] [...][36]
III.
'Tis well reſolv'd; and were the fair,
But one and all, in the ſame mind,
'Twould ſave a world of grief and care;
Wives would be bleſt, and huſbands kind.
For to the cottage from the throne,
The ſame deſires bring joy and ſtrife;
One motive actuates alone,
His Lordſhip's, and the Cobler's wife.
NIP.
IV.
Now having caus'd this pretty rout,
With fear and trembling overcome,
I hardly know what I'm about;
What ſhall I ſay when I get home?
I never felt the like before;
Yet there's one thing would give me life,
Nor would I fear diſquiet more,
If you'd applaud the COBLER'S WIFE.
FINIS.
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Zitationsvorschlag für dieses Objekt
TextGrid Repository (2020). TEI. 4689 The cobler or a wife of ten thousand A ballad opera In two acts As it is performed at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane. University of Oxford Text Archive. . https://hdl.handle.net/21.T11991/0000-001A-57EC-9