THE Hiſtory and Adventures OF AN ATOM.
The EDITOR's Declaration.

I Nathaniel Peacock, of the pariſh of St. Giles, haberdaſher and author, ſolemnly declare, That on the third of laſt Auguſt, ſitting alone in my ſtudy, up three pair of ſtairs, between the hours of eleven and twelve at night, meditating upon the uncertainty of ſublunary enjoyment, I heard a ſhrill, ſmall voice, ſeeming⯑ly proceeding from a chink or crevice in my own pericranium, call diſtinct⯑ly three times, ‘"Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Pea⯑cock."’ [2] Aſtoniſhed, yea, even affright⯑ed, at this citation, I replied in a faultering tone, ‘"In the name of the Lord, what art thou?"’ Thus adjured, the voice anſwered and ſaid, ‘"I am an atom."’ I was now thrown into a violent perturbation of ſpirit; for I never could behold an atomy without fear and trembling, even when I knew it was no more than a compoſition of dry bones; but the conceit of being in preſence of an atomy informed with ſpirit, that is, animated by a ghoſt or goblin, increaſed my terrors exceedingly. I durſt not lift up mine eyes, leſt I ſhould behold an appari⯑tion more dreadful than the hand⯑writing on the wall. My knees knocked together: my teeth chatter⯑ed: mine hair briſtled up ſo as to raiſe a cotton night-cap from the ſcalp: my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth: my temples were be⯑dewed with a cold ſweat.—Verily, I was for a ſeaſon entranced.

[3] At length, by the bleſſing of God, I recollected myſelf, and cried aloud, ‘"Avaunt Satan, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghoſt."’ ‘"White-livered caitiff!’ ſaid the voice, (with a peculiar tartneſs of pronunciation) what art thou afraid of, that thou ſhouldeſt thus tremble, and diffuſe around thee ſuch an unſavoury odour?—What thou heareſt is within thee—is part of thyſelf. I am one of thoſe atoms, or conſtituent particles of matter, which can neither be an⯑nihilated, divided, nor impaired: the different arrangements of us atoms compoſe all the variety of objects and eſſences which nature exhibits, or art can obtain. Of the ſame ſhape, ſub⯑ſtance, and quality, are the compo⯑nent particles, that harden in rock, and flow in water; that blacken in the negro, and brighten in the dia⯑mond; that exhale from a roſe, and ſteam from a dunghill. Even now, ten millions of atoms were diſperſed [4] in air by that odoriferous gale, which the commotion of thy fear produced; and I can foreſee that one of them will be conſolidated in a fibre of the olfactory nerve, belonging to a cele⯑brated beauty, whoſe noſtril is exco⯑riated by the immoderate uſe of plain Spaniſh. Know, Nathaniel, that we atoms are ſingly endued with ſuch efficacy of reaſon, as cannot be ex⯑pected in an aggregate body, where we croud and ſqueeze and embarraſs one another. Yet, thoſe ideas which we ſingly poſſeſs, we cannot communicate, except once in a thouſand years, and then only, when we fill a certain place in the pineal gland of a human creature, the very ſtation which I now main⯑tain in thine.—For the benefit of you miſerable mortals, I am determined to promulge the hiſtory of one pe⯑riod, during which I underwent ſome ſtrange revolutions in the empire of Japan, and was conſcious of ſome political anecdotes now to be divulg⯑ed [5] for the inſtruction of Britiſh mi⯑niſters. Take up the pen, therefore, and write what I ſhall unfold.

By this time my firſt apprehenſion vaniſhed; but another fear, almoſt as terrible, uſurped its place. I began to think myſelf inſane, and concluded that the voice was no other than the fantaſtic undulation of a diſturbed brain. I therefore preferred an ear⯑neſt oriſon at the throne of grace, that I might be reſtored to the fruition of my right underſtanding and judg⯑ment. ‘"O incredulous wretch, (ex⯑claimed the voice,) I will now con⯑vince thee that this is no phantaſma or hideous dream.—Anſwer me, doſt thou know the meaning and deriva⯑tion of the word atom?"’ I replied, ‘"No, verily!"’ ‘"Then I will tell thee, (ſaid the voice) thou ſhalt write it down without delay, and conſult the curate of the pariſh on the ſame ſub⯑ject. If his explanation and mine agree, thou will then be firmly per⯑ſuaded [6] that I am an actual, indepen⯑dent exiſtence; and that this addreſs is not the vague delirium of a diſor⯑dered brain. Atomos is a Greek word, ſignifying an indiviſible particle, de⯑rived from alpha privativa, and temno to cut."’

I marvelled much at this injunc⯑tion, which, however, I literally obey⯑ed; and next morning ſallied forth to viſit the habitation of the curate; but in going thither, it was my hap to encounter a learned phyſician of my acquaintance, who hath read all the books that ever were publiſhed in any nation, or language: to him I refer⯑ed for the derivation of the word atom. He pauſed a little, threw up his eyes to heaven, ſtroaked his chin with great ſolemnity, and hemming three times, ‘"Greek, Sir, (ſaid he) is more familiar to me than my na⯑tive tongue.—I have converſed, Sir, with Homer and Plato, Heſiod and Theophraſtus, Herodotus, Thucydi⯑des, [7] Hippocrates, Aretaeus, Pindar, and Sophocles, and all the poets and hiſtorians of antiquity. Sir, my libra⯑ry coſt me two thouſand pounds. I have ſpent as much more in making experiments; and you muſt know that I have diſcovered certain chemi⯑cal ſpecifics, which I would not di⯑vulge for fifty times the ſum.—As for the word atomos, or atime, it ſignifies a ſcoundrel, Sir, or as it were, Sir, a thing of no eſtimation. It is derived, Sir, from alpha privativa, and time, honour. Hence, we call a ſkeleton an atomy, becauſe, Sir, the bones are, as it were, diſhonoured by being ſtripped of their cloathing, and expoſed in their nakedneſs."’

I was ſorely vexed at this inter⯑pretation, and my apprehenſion of lunacy recurred: nevertheleſs, I pro⯑ceeded in my way to the lodgings of the curate, and deſired his explana⯑tion, which tallied exactly with what I had written. At my return to my [8] own houſe, I aſcended to my ſtudy, aſked pardon of my internal monitor; and taking pen, ink, and paper, ſat down to write what it dictated, in the following ſtrain.

"It was in the aera of ^* Foggien, one thouſand years ago, that fate de⯑termined I ſhould exiſt in the empire of Japan, where I underwent a great number of viciſſitudes, till, at length, I was encloſed in a grain of rice, eaten by a Dutch mariner at Firando, and, becoming a particle of his body, brought to the Cape of Good Hope. There I was diſcharged in a ſcorbutic dyſentery, taken up in a heap of ſoil to manure a garden, raiſed to vege⯑tation in a ſallad, devoured by an Engliſh ſupercargo, aſſimilated to a certain organ of his body, which, at his return to London, being diſeaſed in conſequence of impure contact, I [9] was again ſeparated, with a conſider⯑able portion of putrefied fleſh, thrown upon a dunghill, gobbled up, and di⯑geſted by a duck, of which duck your father, Ephraim Peacock, having eaten plentifully at a feaſt of the cordwainers, I was mixed with his circulating juices, and finally fixed in the principal part of that animalcule, which, in proceſs of time, expanded itſelf into thee, Nathaniel Peacock.

Having thus particularized my tranſmigrations ſince my conveyance from Japan, I ſhall return thither, and unfold ſome curious particulars of ſtate-intrigue, carried on during the ſhort period, the hiſtory of which I mean to record: I need not tell thee, that the empire of Japan conſiſts of three large iſlands; or that the peo⯑ple, who inhabit them, are ſuch in⯑conſiſtent, capricious animals, that one would imagine they were created for the purpoſe of ridicule. Their minds are in continual agitation, like a ſhut⯑tlecock [10] toſſed to and fro, in order to divert the demons of philoſophy and folly. A Japoneſe, without the in⯑tervention of any viſible motive, is, by turns, merry and penſive, ſuper⯑ficial and profound, generous and il⯑liberal, raſh and circumſpect, cour⯑ageous and fearful, benevolent and cruel. They ſeem to have no fixed principle of action, no certain plan of conduct, no effectual rudder to ſteer them through the voyage of life; but to be hurried down the rapid tide of each revolving whim, or driven, the ſport of every guſt of paſſion that happens to blow. A Japoneſe will ſing at a funeral, and ſigh at a wed⯑ding; he will this hour talk ribaldry with a proſtitute, and the next im⯑merſe himſelf in the ſtudy of meta⯑phyſics or theology. In favour of one ſtranger, he will exert all the virtues of hoſpitality; againſt another he will exerciſe all the animoſity of the moſt ſordid prejudice: one minute ſees him [11] hazarding his all on the ſucceſs of the moſt extravagant project; another beholds him heſitating in lending a few copans^* to his friend on unde⯑niable ſecurity. To-day, he is afraid of paring his corns; to-morrow, he ſcruples not to cut his own throat. At one ſeaſon, he will give half his for⯑tune to the poor; at another, he will not beſtow the ſmalleſt pittance to ſave his brother from indigence and diſtreſs. He is elated to inſolence by the leaſt gleam of ſucceſs; he is de⯑jected to deſpondence by the ſlighteſt turn of adverſe fortune. One hour he doubts the beſt eſtabliſhed truths; the next, he ſwallows the moſtimpro⯑bable fiction. His praiſe and his cenſure is what a wiſe man would chooſe to avoid, as evils equally per⯑nicious: the firſt is generally raiſed without foundation, and carried to ſuch extravagance, as to expoſe the [12] object to the ridicule of mankind; the laſt is often unprovoked, yet uſually inflamed to all the rage of the moſt malignant perſecution. He will extol above Alexander the great, a petty officer who robs a hen-rooſt; and damn to infamy, a general for not performing impoſſibilities. The ſame man whom he yeſterday flattered with the moſt fulſome adulation, he will to-morrow revile with the moſt bitter abuſe; and, at the turning of a ſtraw, take into his boſom the very perſon whom he has formerly defamed as the moſt perfidious raſcal.

The Japaneſe value themſelves much upon their conſtitution, and are very clamorous about the words liberty and property; yet, in fact, the only liberty they enjoy is to get drunk whenever they pleaſe, to revile the government, and quarrel with one another. With reſpect to their pro⯑perty, they are the tameſt animals in the world; and, if properly managed, [13] undergo, without wincing, ſuch impo⯑ſitions, as no other nation in the world would bear. In this particular, they may be compared to an aſs, that will crouch under the moſt unconſcion⯑able burthen, provided you ſcratch his long ears, and allow him to bray his belly-full. They are ſo practica⯑ble, that they have ſuffered their pockets to be drained, their veins to be emptied, and their credit to be cracked, by the moſt bungling ad⯑miniſtrations, to gratify the avarice, pride, and ambition, of the moſt ſor⯑did and contemptible ſovereigns, that ever ſate upon the throne.

The methods uſed for accompliſh⯑ing theſe purpoſes are extremely ſim⯑ple. You have ſeen a dancing bear incenſed to a dangerous degree of rage, and all at once appeaſed by firing a piſtol over his noſe. The Japoneſe, even in their moſt ferocious moods, when they denounce vengeance againſt the Cuboy, or miniſter, and even [14] threaten the throne itſelf; are eaſily ſoftened into meekneſs and conde⯑ſcenſion. A ſet of tall fellows, hired for the purpoſe, tickle them under the noſes with long ſtraws, into a gentle convulſion, during which they ſhut their eyes, and ſmile, and quietly ſuf⯑fer their pockets to be turned inſide out. Nay, what is ſtill more remark⯑able, the miniſtry is in poſſeſſion of a pipe, or rather bullocks's horn, which being ſounded to a particular pitch, has ſuch an effect on the ears and underſtanding of the people, that they allow their pockets to be picked with their eyes open, and are bribed to be⯑tray their own intereſt with their own money, as eaſily as if the treaſure had come from the remoteſt corner of the globe. Notwithſtanding theſe capricious peculiarities, the Japoneſe are become a wealthy and powerful people, partly from their inſular ſi⯑tuation, and partly from a ſpirit of commercial adventure, ſuſtained by [15] all the obſtinacy of perſeverance, and conducted by repeated flaſhes of good ſenſe, which almoſt inceſſantly gleam through the chaos of their abſurdities.

Japan was originally governed by monarchs who poſſeſſed an abſolute power, and ſucceeded by hereditary right, under the title of Dairo. But in the beginning of the period Fog⯑gien, this emperor became a cypher, and the whole adminiſtration devolv⯑ed into the hands of the prime mi⯑niſter, or Cuboy, who now exerciſes all the power and authority, leaving the trappings of royalty to the inactive Dairo. The prince, who held the reins of government in the ſhort pe⯑riod which I intend to record, was not a lineal deſcendant of the antient Dairos, the immediate ſucceſſion having ſailed, but ſprung from a col⯑lateral branch which was invited from a foreign country in the perſon of Bupo, in honour of whom the Ja⯑poneſe erected Fakkubaſi^*, or the [16] temple of the white horſe. So much were all his ſucceſſors devoted to the culture of this idol, which, by the bye, was made of the vileſt materials, that, in order to enrich his ſhrine, they impoveriſhed the whole empire, yet ſtill with the connivance, and by the influence of the Cuboy, who gra⯑tified this ſordid paſſion or ſuperſti⯑tion of the Dairo, with a view to prevent him from employing his at⯑tention on matters of greater conſe⯑quence.

Nathaniel, You have heard of the tranſmigration of ſouls, a doctrine avowed by one Pythagoras, a philo⯑ſopher of Crotona. This doctrine, though diſcarded and reprobated by chriſtians, is nevertheleſs ſound, and orthodox, I affirm on the integrity of an atom. Further I ſhall not explain myſelf on this ſubject, though I might with ſafety ſet the convocation and the whole hierarchy at defiance, knowing, as I do, that it is not in their [17] power to make me bate one particle of what I advance: or, if they ſhould endeavour to reach me through your organs, and even condemn you to the ſtake at Smithfield, verily, I ſay unto thee, I ſhould be a gainer by the next remove. I ſhould ſhift my quarters from a very cold and empty tenement, which I now occupy in the brain of a poor haberdaſher, to the nervous ple⯑xus ſituated at the mouth of the ſto⯑mach of a fat aldermand fed with ve⯑niſon and turtle.

But to return to Pythagoras, whom one of your wiſe countrymen deno⯑minated Peter Gore, the wiſe-acre of Croton, you muſt know that philo⯑ſopher was a type, which hath not yet been fully unveiled. That he taught the metempſychoſis, explained the nature and property of harmonies, demonſtrated the motion of the earth, diſcovered the elements of geometry and arithmetic, enjoined his diſciples ſilence, and abſtained from eating [18] any thing that was ever informed by the breath of life; are circumſtances known to all the learned world: but his veneration for beans, which coſt him his life, his golden thigh, his ad⯑ventures in the character of a cour⯑tezan, his golden verſes, his epithet of [...], the fable of his being born of a virgin, and his deſcent into hell, are myſteries in which ſome of the moſt important truths are con⯑cealed.—Between friends, honeſt Na⯑thaniel, I myſelf conſtituted part of that ſage's body; and I could ſay a great deal—but there is a time for all things.—I ſhall only obſerve, that Philip Teſſier had ſome reaſon for ſup⯑poſing Pythagoras to have been a monk; and there are ſhrewd hints in Meyer's diſſertation, Utrum Pytha⯑goras Judaeus fuit, an monachus Car⯑melita.

Waving theſe intricate diſcuſſions for the preſent, (though I cannot help diſcloſing that Pythagoras was actually [19] circumciſed) know, Peacock, that the metempſychoſis, or tranſmigration of ſouls, is the method which nature and fate conſtantly purſue, in animating the creatures produced on the face of the earth; and this proceſs, with ſome variation, is ſuch as the eleuſinian myſteries imported, and ſuch as you have read in Dryden's tranſlation of the ſixth book of Virgil's Aeneid. The Gods have provided a great magazine or diverſorium, to which the departed ſouls of all animals repair at their diſ⯑miſſion from the body. Here they are bathed in the waters of obli⯑vion, until they retain no memory of the ſcenes through which they have paſſed; but they ſtill preſerve their original craſis and capacity. From this repoſitory, all new created be⯑ings are ſupplied with ſouls; and theſe ſouls tranſmigrate into different animals, according to the pleaſure of the great diſpoſer. For example, my good friend Nathaniel Peacock, your [20] own ſoul has within theſe hundred years threaded a goat, a ſpider, and a biſhop; and its next ſtage will be the carcaſe of a brewer's horſe.

In what manner we atoms come by theſe articles of intelligence, whe⯑ther by intuition, or communication of ideas, it is not neceſſary that you ſhould conceive—Suffice it to ſay, the gods were merry on the follies of mankind, and Mercury undertook to exhibit a mighty nation, ruled and governed by the meaneſt intellects that could be found in the repoſitory of pre-exiſting ſpirits. He laid the ſcene in Japan, about the middle of the period Foggien, when that nation was at peace with all her neighbours. Into the maſs, deſtined to ſway the ſceptre, he infuſed, at the very article of con⯑ception, the ſpirit, which in courſe of ſtrangulation had been expelled a poſ⯑teriori from a gooſe, killed on purpoſe to regale the appetite of the mother. The animalcule, thus inſpired, was [21] born, and ſucceeded to the throne, under the name of Got-hama-baba. His whole life and converſation was no other than a repetition of the hu⯑mours he had diſplayed in his laſt cha⯑racter. He was rapacious, ſhallow, hot⯑headed, and perverſe; in point of un⯑derſtanding, juſt ſufficient to appear in public without a ſiavering bib; im⯑bued with no knowledge, illumed by no ſentiment, and warmed with no affection; except a blind attachment to the worſhip of Fakku-baſi, which ſeemed indeed to be a diſeaſe in his conſtitution. His heart was meanly ſelfiſh, and his diſpoſition altogether unprincely.

Of all his recreations, that which he delighted in moſt, was kicking the breech of his Cuboy, or prime miniſter, an exerciſe which he every day per⯑formed in private. It was therefore neceſſary that a Cuboy ſhould be found to undergo this diurnal operation with⯑out repining. This was a circum⯑ſtance [22] foreſeen and provided for by Mercury, who, a little after the con⯑ception of Got-hama-baba, impreg⯑nated the ovum of a future Cuboy, and implanted in it a changling ſoul, which had ſucceſſively paſſed through the bodies of an aſs, a dottril, an apple-woman, and a cow-boy. It was diverting enough to ſee the re⯑joicings with which the birth of this Quanbuku^* was celebrated; and ſtill more ſo to obſerve the marks of fond admiration in the parents, as the ſoul of the cow-boy proceeded to ex⯑pand itſelf in the young Cuboy. This is a ſpecies of diverſion we atoms of⯑ten enjoy. We at different times be⯑hold the ſame ſpirit, hunted down in a hare, and cried up in an Hector; fawning in a proſtitute, and bribing in a miniſter; breaking forth in a whiſtle at the plough, and in a ſermon from the pulpit; impelling a hog to [23] the ſtye, and a counſellor to the ca⯑binet; prompting a ſhoe-boy to filch, and a patriot to harangue; ſquinting in a goat, and ſmiling in a matron.

Tutors of all ſorts were provided betimes for the young Quanbuku, but his genius rejected all cultivation; at leaſt the crops it produced were barren and ungrateful. He was diſtin⯑guiſhed by the name of Fika-kaka, and careſſed as the heir of an im⯑menſe fortune. Nay, he was really conſidered as one of the moſt hopeful young Quanbukus in the empire of Japan; for his want of ideas was at⯑tended with a total abſence of pride, inſolence, or any other diſagreeable vice: indeed his character was found⯑ed upon negatives. He had no un⯑derſtanding, no oeconomy, no cour⯑age, no induſtry, no ſteadineſs, no diſcernment, no vigour, no retention. He was reputed generous and good-humoured; but was really profuſe, chicken-hearted, negligent, fickle, [24] blundering, weak, and leaky. All theſe qualifications were agitated by an eagerneſs, haſte, and impatience, that compleated the moſt ludicrous compoſition, which human nature ever produced. He appeared always in hurry and confuſion, as if he had loſt his wits in the morning, and was in queſt of them all day.—Let me whiſper a ſecret to you, my good friend Peacock. All this buſtle and trepi⯑dation proceeded from a hollowneſs in the brain, forming a kind of eddy, in which his animal ſpirits were hur⯑ried about in a perpetual ſwirl. Had it not been for this Luſus Naturoe, the circulation would not have been ſufficient for the purpoſes of animal life. Had the whole world been ſearched by the princes thereof, it would not have produced another to have matched this half-witted origi⯑nal, to whom the adminiſtration of a mighty empire was wholly conſigned. Notwithſtanding all the care that was [25] taken of his education, Fika-kaka never could comprehend any art or ſcience, except that of dancing bare⯑headed among the Bonzas at the great feſtival of Cambadoxi. The extent of his knowledge in arithmetic went no farther than the numeration of his ten fingers. In hiſtory, he had no idea of what preceded a certain treaty with the Chineſe, in the reign of queen Syko, who died within his own remembrance; and was ſo ignorant of geography, that he did not know that his native country was ſurround⯑ed by the ſea. No ſyſtem of mora⯑lity could he ever underſtand; and of the fourteen ſects of religion that are permitted in Japan, the only diſ⯑cipline he could imbibe was a ſuper⯑ſtitious devotion for Fakku-baſi, the temple of the white horſe. This, indeed, was neither the fruit of doc⯑trine, nor the reſult of reaſon; but a real inſtinct, implanted in his nature [26] for fulfilling the ends of providence. His perſon was extremely aukward; his eye vacant, though alarmed; his ſpeech thick, and embarraſſed; his utterance ungraceful; and his mean⯑ing perplexed. With much difficul⯑ty he learned to write his own name, and that of the Dairo; and picked up a ſmattering of the Chineſe language, which was ſometimes uſed at court. In his youth, he freely converſed with women; but, as he advanced in age, he placed his chief felicity in the de⯑lights of the table. He hired cooks from China at an enormous expence, and drank huge quantities of the ſtrong liquor diſtilled from rice, which, by producing repeated intoxication, had an unlucky effect upon his brain, that was naturally of a looſe flimſy tex⯑ture. The immoderate uſe of this potation was likewiſe ſaid to have greatly impaired his retentive faculty; inaſmuch as he was ſubject upon every [27] extraordinary emotion of ſpirit, to an involuntary diſcharge from the laſt of the inteſtines.

Such was the character of Fika-kaka, entitled by his birth to a pro⯑digious eſtate, as well as to the ho⯑nours of Quanbuku, the firſt heredi⯑tary dignity in the empire. In con⯑ſequence of his high ſtation, he was connected with all the great men in Japan, and uſed to the court from his infancy. Here it was he became ac⯑quainted with young Got-hama-baba, his future ſovereign; and their ſouls being congenial, they ſoon contracted an intimacy, which endured for life. They were like twin particles of mat⯑ter, which having been divorced from one another by a moſt violent ſhock, had floated many thouſand years in the ocean of the univerſe, till at length meeting by accident, and approaching within the ſpheres of each other's at⯑traction, they ruſh together with an [28] eager embrace, and continue united ever after.

The favour of the ſovereign, added to the natural influence ariſing from a vaſt fortune and great alliances, did not fail to elevate Fika-kaka to the moſt eminent offices of the ſtate, un⯑til, at length, he attained to the dig⯑nity of Cuboy, or chief-miniſter, which virtually comprehends all the reſt. Here then was the ſtrangeſt phaenomenon that ever appeared in the political world. A ſtateſman without capacity, or the ſmalleſt tincture of human learning; a ſecre⯑tary who could not write; a financier who did not underſtand the multipli⯑cation table; and the treaſurer of a vaſt empire, who never could balance accounts with his own butler.

He was no ſooner, for the diverſion of the Gods, promoted to the Cuboy⯑ſhip, than his vanity was pampered with all ſorts of adulation. He was [29] in magnificence extolled above the firſt Meckaddo, or line of emperors, to whom divine honours had been paid; equal in wiſdom to Tenſio-dai-ſin, the firſt founder of the Japaneſe monar⯑chy; braver than Whey-vang, of the dynaſty of Chew; more learned than Jacko, the chief pontiff of Japan; more liberal than Shi-wang-ti, who was poſſeſſed of the univerſal medi⯑cine; and more religious than Bupo, alias Kobot, who, from a foreign coun⯑try, brought with him, on a white horſe, a book called Kio, containing the myſteries of his religion.

But, by none was he more cultivated than by the Bonzas or clergy, eſpeci⯑ally thoſe of the univerſity Frenoxe⯑na^*, ſo renowned for their learning, ſermons, and oratory, who actually choſe him their ſupreme director, and every morning adored him with a very ſingular rite of worſhip. This attach⯑ment was the more remarkable, as [30] Fika-kaha was known to favour the ſect of Nem-buds-ju, who diſtinguiſh⯑ed themſelves by the ceremony of cir⯑cumciſion. Some malicious people did not ſcruple to whiſper about, that he himſelf had privately undergone the operation: but theſe, to my cer⯑tain knowledge, were the ſuggeſtions of falſhood and ſlander. A ſlight ſcarification, indeed, it was once ne⯑ceſſary to make, on account of his health; but this was no ceremony of any religious worſhip. The truth was this. The Nem-buds-ju, being few in number, and generally hated by the whole nation, had recourſe to the protection of Fika-kaka, which they obtained for a valuable conſideration. Then a law was promulgated in their favour; a ſtep which was ſo far from exciting the jealouſy of the Bonzas, that there was not above three, out of one hundred and fifty-nine thouſand, that opened their lips in diſapprobation of the meaſure. Such were the virtue [31] and moderation of the Bonzas, and ſo loth were they to diſoblige their great director Fika-kaka.

What rendered the knot of con⯑nection between the Dairo Got-ha⯑ma-baba, and this Cuboy altogether indiſſoluble, was a ſingular circum⯑ſtance, which I ſhall now explain. Fika-kika not only devoted himſelf intirely to the gratification of his maſter's prejudices and rapacity, even when they interfered the moſt with the intereſt and reputation of Japan; but he alſo ſubmitted perſonally to his capricious humours with the moſt placid reſignation. He pre⯑ſented his poſteriors to be kicked as regularly as the day revolved; and preſented them not barely with ſub⯑miſſion, but with all the appearance of fond deſire: and truly this diur⯑nal expoſure was attended with ſuch delectation as he never enjoyed in any other attitude.

[32] To explain this matter, I muſt tell thee, Peacock, that Fika-kaka was from his infancy afflicted with an itching of the podex, which the learn⯑ed Dr. Woodward would have term⯑ed immanis [...] pruritus. That great naturaliſt would have imputed it to a redundancy of cholicky ſalts, got out of the ſtomach and guts into the blood, and thrown upon theſe parts, and he would have attempted to break their colluctations with oil, &c. but I, who know the real cauſes of this diſ⯑order, ſmile at theſe whims of phi⯑loſophy.

Be that as it may, certain it is, all the moſt eminent phyſicians in Japan were conſulted about this ſtrange tickling and tingling, and among theſe the celebrated Fan-ſey, whoſe ſpirit afterwards informed the body of Rabelais. This experienced leech, having preſcribed a courſe of cathar⯑tics, balſamics, and ſweeteners, on the ſuppoſition that the blood was [33] tainted with a ſcorbutical itch; at length found reaſon to believe that the diſeaſe was local. He therefore tried the method of gentle friction: for which purpoſe he uſed almoſt the very ſame ſubſtances which were many centuries after applied by Gargantua to his own poſteriors; ſuch as a night cap, a pillow-bier, a ſlipper, a poke, a pannier, a beaver, a hen, a cock, a chicken, a calf-ſkin, a hare-ſkin, a pi⯑geon, a cormorant, a lawyer's bag, a lamprey, a coif, a lure, nay even a gooſe's neck, without finding that volupté merifique au trou de cul, which was the portion of the ſon of Gran⯑gouſier. In ſhort, there was nothing that gave Fika-kaka ſuch reſpite from this tormenting titillation as did ſmearing the parts with thick cream, which was afterwards licked up by the rough tongue of a boar⯑cat. But the adminiſtration of this remedy was once productive of a diſ⯑agreeable incident. In the mean [34] time, the diſtemper gaining ground became ſo troubleſome, that the un⯑fortunate Quanbuku was inceſſantly in the fidgets, and ran about diſtract⯑ed, cackling like a hen in labour.

The ſource of all this misfortune was the juxta poſition of two atoms quarrelling for precedency, in this the Cuboy's ſeat of honour. Their preſſing and ſqueezing and elbowing and joſt⯑ling, tho' of no effect in diſcompoſing one another, occaſioned all this irrita⯑tion and titillation in the poſteriors of Fika-kaka—What! doſt thou mutter, Peacock? doſt thou preſume to queſ⯑tion my veracity? now by the indivi⯑ſible rotundity of an atom, I have a good mind, caitiff, to raiſe ſuch a buzzing commotion in thy glandula pinealis, that thou ſhalt run diſtracted over the face of the earth, like Io when ſhe was ſtung by Juno's gad⯑fly! What! thou who haſt been wrapt from the cradle in viſions of myſtery and revelation, ſwallowed [35] impoſſibilities like lamb's wool, and digeſted doctrines harder than iron three times quenched in the Ebro! thou to demur at what I aſſert upon the evidence and faith of my own conſciouſneſs and conſiſtency!—Oh! you capitulate: well, then beware of a relapſe—you know a relapſed here⯑tic finds no mercy.

I ſay, while Fika-kaka's podex was the ſcene of contention between two turbulent atoms, I had the ho⯑nour to be poſted immediately under the nail of the Dairo's great toe, which happened one day to itch more than uſual for occupation. The Cuboy preſenting himſelf at that in⯑ſtant, and turning his face from his maſter, Got-hama-baba performed the exerciſe with ſuch uncommon vehemence, that firſt his ſlipper, and then his toe-nail flew off, after hav⯑ing made a ſmall breach in the peri⯑neum of Fika-kaka. By the ſame effort, I was divorced from the great [36] toe of the ſovereign, and lodged near the great gut of his miniſter, exactly in the interſtice between the two hoſ⯑tile particles, which were thus in ſome meaſure reſtrained from wran⯑gling; though it was not in my power to keep the peace entirely. Never⯑theleſs, Fika-kaka's torture was im⯑mediately ſuſpended; and he was even ſeized with an orgaſm of plea⯑ſure, analogous to that which cha⯑racteriſes the extacy of love.

Think not, however, Peacock, that I would adduce this circum⯑ſtance as a proof that pleaſure and pain are meer relations, which can exiſt only as they are contraſted. No: pleaſure and pain are ſimple, independent ideas, incapable of defi⯑nition; and this which Fika-kaka felt was an extacy compounded of poſitive pleaſure ingraſted upon the removal of pain: but whether this poſitive pleaſure depended upon a particular center of percuſſion hit [37] upon by accident, or was the inſepa⯑rable effect of a kicking and ſcratch⯑ing conferred by a royal foot and toe, I ſhall not at preſent unfold: neither will I demonſtrate the modus operandi on the nervous papillae of Fika-kaka's breech, whether by irritation, re⯑laxation, undulation, or vibration. Were theſe eſſential diſcoveries com⯑municated, human philoſophy would become too arrogant. It was but the other day that Newton made ſhift to dive into ſome ſubaltern laws of mat⯑ter; to explain the revolution of the planets, and analyſe the compoſition of light; and ever ſince, that reptile man has believed itſelf a demi-god—I hope to ſee the day when the petu⯑lant philoſopher ſhall be driven back to his Categories and the Organum Univerſale of Ariſtotle, his [...], his [...], and his [...].

But waving theſe digreſſions, the pleaſure which the Cuboy felt from the application of the Dairo's toe-nail [38] was ſucceeded by a kind of tenſion or ſtiffneſs, which began to grow troubleſome juſt as he reached his own palace, where the Bonzas were aſſembled to offer up their diurnal incenſe. Inſtinct, on this occaſion, performed what could hardly have been expected from the moſt extraor⯑dinary talents. At ſight of a griz⯑zled heard belonging to one of thoſe venerable doctors, he was ſtruck with the idea of a powerful aſſuager; and taking him into his cabinet, propoſed that he ſhould make oral application to the part affected. The propoſal was embraced without heſitation, and the effect even tranſcended the hope of the Cuboy. The oſculation itſelf was ſoft, warm, emollient, and com⯑fortable; but when the nervous pa⯑pillae were gently ſtroaked, and as it were fondled by the long, elaſtic, periſtaltic, abſterſive fibres that com⯑poſed this reverend verriculum, ſuch a delectable titillation enſued, that Fika-ka was quite in raptures.

[39] That which he intended at firſt for a medicine he now converted into an article of luxury. All the Bon⯑zas who enrolled themſelves in the number of his dependants, whether old or young, black or fair, rough or ſmooth, were enjoined every day to perform this additional and poſte⯑rior rite of worſhip, ſo productive of delight to the Cuboy, that he was every morning impatient to receive the Dairo's calcitration, or rather his pedeſtrian digitation; after which he flew with all the eagerneſs of deſire to the ſubſequent part of his enter⯑tainment.

The tranſports thus produced ſeem⯑ed to diſarrange his whole nervous ſyſtem, and produce an odd kind of revolution in his fancy; for tho' he was naturally grave, and indeed over⯑whelmed with conſtitutional hebe⯑tude, he became, in conſequence of this periodical tickling, the moſt giddy, pert buffoon in nature. All was grin⯑ning, [40] giggling, laughing, and prat⯑ing, except when his fears intervened; then he ſtarted and ſtared, and curſed and prayed by turns. There was but one barber in the whole empire that would undertake to ſhave him, ſo tickliſh and unſteady he was under the hands of the operator. He could not fit above one minute in the ſame attitude, or on the ſame ſeat; but ſhifted about from couch to chair, from chair to ſtool, from ſtool to cloſe-ſtool, with inceſſant rotation, and all the time gave audience to thoſe who ſollicited his favour and protection. To all and ſeveral he promiſed his beſt offices, and con⯑firmed theſe promiſes with oaths and proteſtations. One he ſhook by the hand; another he hugged; a third he kiſſed on both ſides the face; with a fourth he whiſpered; a fifth he honoured with a familiar horſe-laugh. He never had courage to refuſe even that which he could not poſſibly [41] grant; and at laſt his tongue actually forgot how to pronounce the negative particle: but as in the Engliſh lan⯑guage two nagatives amount to an af⯑firmative, five hundred affirmatives in the mouth of Fika-kaka did not altogether deſtroy the efficacy of ſim⯑ple negation. A promiſe five hun⯑dred times repeated, and at every repetition confirmed by oath, barely amounted to a computable chance of performance.

It muſt be allowed, however, he promoted a great number of Bonzas, and in this promotion he manifeſted an uncommon taſte. They were pre⯑ferred according to the colour of their beards. He found, by experience, that beards of different colours yielded him different degrees of pleaſure in the friction we have deſcribed above; and the proviſion he made for each was in proportion to the ſatisfaction the candidate could afford. The ſen⯑ſation enſuing from the contact of a [42] grey beard was ſoft and delicate, and agreeably demulcent, when the parts were unuſually inflamed; a red, yel⯑low, or brindled beard, was in re⯑queſt when the buſineſs was to thrill or tingle: but a black beard was of all others the moſt honoured by Fi⯑ka-kaka, not only on account of its fleecy feel, equally ſpirited and bal⯑ſamic, but alſo for another philoſo⯑phical reaſon, which I ſhall now ex⯑plain. You know, Peacock, that black colour abſorbs the rays of light, and detains them as it were in a re⯑poſitory. Thus a black beard, like the back of a black cat, becomes a phoſphorus in the dark, and emits ſparkles upon friction. You muſt know, that one of the graveſt doctors of the Bonzas, who had a private re⯑queſt to make, deſired an audience of Fika-kaka in his cloſet at night, and the taper falling down by acci⯑dent, at that very inſtant when his beard was in contact with the Cuboy's [43] ſeat of honour, the electrical ſnap was heard, and the part illuminated, to the aſtoniſhment of the ſpectators, who looked upon it as a prelude to the apotheoſis of Fika-kaka. Being made acquainted with this phaeno⯑menon, the miniſter was exceedingly elevated in his own mind. He re⯑joiced in it as a communication of ſome divine efficacy, and raiſed the happy Bonza to the rank of Pontifex Maximus, or chief prieſt, in the tem⯑ple of Fakku-baſi. In the courſe of experiments, he found that all black beards were electrical in the ſame degree, and being ignorant of philoſophy, aſcribed it to ſome ſuper⯑natural virtue, in conſequence of which they were promoted as the holieſt of the Bonzas. But you and I know, that ſuch a phoſphorus is obtained from the moſt worthleſs and corrupted materials, ſuch as rotten wood, putrefied veal, and ſtink⯑ing whiting.

[44] Fika-kaka, ſuch as I deſcribed him, could not poſſibly act in the character of Cuboy, without the aſ⯑ſiſtance of counſellors and ſubalterns, who underſtood the detail of govern⯑ment and the forms of buſineſs. He was accordingly ſurrounded by a number of ſatellites, who reflected his luſtre in their ſeveral ſpheres of rotation; and though their immer⯑ſions and emerſions were apparently abrubt and irregular, formed a kind of luminous belt as pale and comfort⯑leſs as the ring of Saturn, the moſt diſtant, cold, and baleful of all the planets.

The moſt remarkable of theſe ſub⯑ordinates, was Sti-phi-rum-poo, a man, who, from a low plebeian ori⯑gin, had raiſed himſelf to one of the firſt offices of the empire, to the dig⯑nity of Quo, or nobleman, and a con⯑ſiderable ſhare of the Dairo's perſonal regard. He owed his whole ſucceſs to his induſtry, aſſiduity, and circum⯑ſpection. [45] During the former part of his life, he ſtudied the laws of Japan with ſuch ſeverity of application, that though unaſſiſted by the leaſt gleam of genius, and deſtitute of the ſmall⯑eſt pretenſion to talent, he made him⯑ſelf maſter of all the written ordinan⯑ces, all the eſtabliſhed cuſtoms, and forms of proceeding in the different tribunals of the empire. In the pro⯑greſs of his vocation, he became an advocate of ſome eminence, and even acquired reputation for polemical elo⯑quence, though his manner was ever dry, laboured, and unpleaſant—Be⯑ing elevated to the ſtation of a judge, he ſo far juſtified the intereſt by which he had been promoted, that his ho⯑neſty was never called in queſtion; and his ſentences were generally al⯑lowed to be juſt and upright. He heard cauſes with the moſt painful at⯑tention, ſeemed to be indefatigable in his reſearches after truth; and though he was forbidding in his aſpect, ſlow [46] in deliberation, tedious in diſcuſſion, and cold in his addreſs; yet I muſt own, he was alſo unbiaſſed in his deci⯑ſions—I mean, unbiaſſed by any con⯑ſciouſneſs of ſiniſter motive: for a man may be biaſſed by the nature of his diſpoſition, as well as by prejudices acquired, and yet not guilty of inten⯑tional partiality. Sti-phi-rum-poo was ſcrupulouſly juſt, according to his own ideas of juſtice, and conſequent⯑ly well qualified to decide in common controverſies. But in delicate caſes, which required an uncommon ſhare of penetration; when the province of a ſupreme judge is to mitigate the ſeve⯑rity, and ſometimes even deviate from the dead letter of the common law, in favour of particular inſtitutions, or of humanity in general; he had neither genius to enlighten his underſtanding, ſentiment to elevate his mind, nor courage to ſurmount the petty inclo⯑ſures of ordinary practice. He was ac⯑cuſed of avarice and cruelty; but, in [47] fact, theſe were not active paſſions in his heart. The conduct which ſeem⯑ed to juſtify theſe imputations, was wholly owing to a total want of taſte and generoſity. The nature of his poſt furniſhed him with opportunities to accumulate riches; and as the nar⯑rowneſs of his mind admitted no ideas of elegance or refined pleaſure, he knew not how to uſe his wealth ſo as to avoid the charge of a ſordid diſ⯑poſition. His temper was not rapa⯑cious but retentive: he knew not the uſe of wealth, and therefore did not uſe it at all: but was in this particu⯑lar neither better nor worſe than a ſtrong-box for the convenience and advantage of his heir. The appear⯑ance of cruelty remarkable in his counſels, relating to ſome wretched inſurgents who had been taken in open rebellion, and the rancorous pleaſure he ſeemed to feel in pro⯑nouncing ſentence of death by ſelf-[48] exenteration^*, was in fact the grati⯑fication of a daſtardly heart, which had never acknowledged the leaſt impulſe of any liberal ſentiment. This being the caſe, mankind ought not to impute that to his guilt which was, in effect, the conſequence of his infirmity. A man might, with equal juſtice, be puniſhed for being purblind. Sti-phi-rum-poo was much more culpable for ſeeking to ſhine in a ſphere for which nature never intended him; I mean for com⯑mencing ſtateſman, and intermed⯑dling in the machine of government: yet even into this character he was forced, as it were, by the opinion and injunctions of Fika-kaka, who em⯑ployed him at firſt in making ſpeeches for the Dairo, which that prince uſed to pronounce in public, at cer⯑tain [49] ſeaſons of the year. Theſe ſpeeches being tolerably well received by the populace, the Cuboy con⯑ceived an extraordinary opinion of his talents; and thought him ex⯑tremely well qualified to eaſe him of great part of the burthen of govern⯑ment. He found him very well diſ⯑poſed to engage heartily in his inte⯑reſts. Then he was admitted to the oſculation a poſteriori; and though his beard was not black, but rather of a ſubfuſcan hue, he managed it with ſuch dexterity, that Fika-kaka declared the ſalute gave him unſpeak⯑able pleaſure: while the byſtanders proteſted that the contact produced, not ſimply electrical ſparks or ſcin⯑tillations, but even a perfect irradia⯑tion, which ſeemed altogether ſuper⯑natural. From this moment, Sti⯑phi-rum-poo was initiated in the myſteries of the cabinet, and even introduced to the perſon of the Dairo Got-hama-baba, whoſe pedeſtrian fa⯑vours [50] he ſhared with his new patron. It was obſerved, however, that even after his promotion and nobilitation, he ſtill retained his original aukward⯑neſs, and never could acquire that graceful eaſe of attitude with which the Cuboy preſented his parts averſe to the contemplation of his ſovereign. Indeed this miniſter's body was ſo well moulded for the celebration of the rite, that one would have ima⯑gined nature had formed him ex⯑preſsly for that purpoſe, with his head and body projecting forwards, ſo as to form an angle of forty-five with the horizon, while the glutaei muſcles ſwelled backwards as if am⯑bitious to meet half-way the impe⯑rial encounter.

The third connexion that ſtreng⯑thened this political band was Nin-kom-poo-po, commander of the Fune, or navy of Japan, who, if ever man was, might ſurely be termed the child of fortune. He was bred [51] to the ſea from his infancy, and, in the courſe of pacific ſervice, roſe to the command of a jonkh, when he was ſo lucky as to detect a crew of pyrates employed on a deſolate ſhore in concealing a hoard of money which they had taken from the merchants of Corea. Nin-kom-poo-po, falling in with them at night, attacked them unawares, and having obtained an eaſy victory, carried off the treaſure. I cannot help being amuſed at the folly of you ſilly mortals, when I re⯑collect the tranſports of the people at the return of this fortunate officer, with a paultry maſs of ſilver parading in covered waggons eſcorted by his crew in arms. The whole city of Meaco reſounded with acclamation; and Nin-kom-poo-po was extolled as the greateſt hero that ever the empire of Japan produced. The Cuboy ho⯑noured him with five kiſſes in public; accepted of the oſculation in private, recommended him in the ſtrongeſt [52] terms to the Dairo, who promoted him to the rank of Sey-ſeo-gun, or general at ſea. He profeſſed him⯑ſelf an adherent to the Cuboy, en⯑tered into a ſtrict alliance with Sti⯑phi-rum-poo, and the whole ma⯑nagement of the Fune was conſigned into his hands. With reſpect to his underſtanding, it was juſt ſufficient to comprehend the duties of a com⯑mon mariner, and to follow the or⯑dinary route of the moſt ſordid ava⯑rice. As to his heart, he might be ſaid to be in a ſtate of total apathy, without principle or paſſion; for I cannot afford the name of paſſion to ſuch a vile appetite as an inſatiable thirſt of lucre. He was, indeed, ſo cold and forbidding, that, in Japan, the people diſtinguiſhed him by a nick-name equivalent to the Engliſh word Salamander; not that he was inclined to live in fire, but that the coldneſs of his heart would have ex⯑tinguiſhed any fire it had approached. [53] Some individuals imagined he had been begot upon a mermaid by a ſai⯑lor of Kamſchatka; but this was a mere fable.—I can aſſure you, however, that when his lips were in contact with the Cuboy's poſteriors, Fika-kaka's teeth were ſeen to chat⯑ter. The pride of this animal was equal to his frigidity. He affected to eſtabliſh new regulations at the coun⯑cil where he preſided: he treated his equals with inſolence, and his ſupe⯑riors with contempt. Other people generally rejoice in obliging their fel⯑low-creatures, when they can do it without prejudice to their own inte⯑reſt. Nin-kom-poo-po had a repul⯑ſive power in his diſpoſition; and ſeemed to take pleaſure in denying a requeſt. When this vain creature, ſelfiſh, inelegant, arrogant, and un⯑couth, appeared in all his trappings at the Dairo's court, upon a feſtival, he might have been juſtly compared to a Lapland idol of ice, adornedw th [54] a profuſion of braſs leaf and trinkets of pewter. In the direction of the Fune, he was provided with a certain number of aſſeſſors, counſellors, or co-adjutors; but theſe he never con⯑ſulted, more than if they had been wooden images. He diſtributed his commands among his own depen⯑dants; and left all the forms of the office to the care of the ſcribe, who thus became ſo neceſſary, that his in⯑fluence ſometimes had well nigh in⯑terfered with that of the preſident: nay, they have been ſeen, like the electrical ſpheres of two bodies, re⯑pelling each other. Hence it was obſerved, that the office of the Sey⯑ſeo-gun-ſialty reſembled the ſerpent called Amphiſbaena, which, contrary to the formation of other animals in head and tail, has a head where the tail ſhould be. Well, indeed, might they compare them to a ſerpent, in creeping, cunning, coldneſs, and ve⯑nom; but the compariſon would [55] have held with more propriety, had Nature produced a ſerpent without ever a head at all.

The fourth who contributed his credit and capacity to this coalition, was Fokſi-Roku, a man who greatly ſurpaſſed them all in the ſcience of politicks, bold, ſubtle, intereſted, inſinuating, ambitious, and indefa⯑tigable. An adventurer from his cra⯑dle, a latitudinarian in principle, a libertine in morals, without the ad⯑vantages of birth, fortune, charac⯑ter, or intereſt; by his own natural ſagacity, a cloſe attention to the fol⯑lies and foibles of mankind, a pro⯑jecting ſpirit, an invincible aſſurance, and an obſtinacy of perſeverance proof againſt all the ſhocks of diſappoint⯑ment and repulſe; he forced himſelf as it were into the ſcale of prefer⯑ment; and being found equally ca⯑pable and compliant, roſe to high of⯑fices of truſt and profit, deteſted by the people, as one of the moſt deſ⯑perate [56] tools of a wicked adminiſtra⯑tion; and odious to his colleagues in the m—y, for his ſuperior talents, his reſtleſs ambition, and the uncer⯑tainty of his attachment.

As intereſt prompted him, he ho⯑vered between the triumvirate we have deſcribed, and another knot of competitors for the ad—n, headed by Quamba-cun-dono, a great Quo related to the Dairo, who had bore the ſupreme command in the army, and was ſtiled Fatzman^*, [...], or, by way of eminence. This ac⯑compliſhed prince was not only the greateſt in his mind, but alſo the largeſt in his perſon of all the ſub⯑jects of Japan; and whereas your Shakeſpeare makes Falſtaff urge it as a plea in his own favour, that as he had more fleſh, ſo likewiſe he had more frailty than other men; I may juſtly convert the propoſition in favour of Quamba-cun-dono, and af⯑firm [57] that as he had more fleſh, ſo he had more virtue than any other Japoneſe; more bowels, more hu⯑manity, more beneficence, more affability. He was undoubtedly, for a Fatzman, the moſt courteous, the moſt gallant, the moſt elegant, ge⯑nerous, and munificent Quo that ever adorned the court of Japan. So con⯑ſummate in the art of war, that the whole world could not produce a general to match him in foreſight, vigilance, conduct, and ability. In⯑deed his intellects were ſo extraor⯑dinary and extenſive, that he ſeemed of ſentimentize at every pore, and to have the faculty of thinking diſ⯑fuſed all over his frame, even to his fingers ends; or, as the Latins call it ad unguem: nay, ſo wonderful was his organical conformation, that, in the opinion of many Japoneſe philo⯑ſophers, his whole body was enve⯑loped in a kind of poultice of brain, and that if he had loſt his head in bat⯑tle, [58] the damage with regard to his power of reflection would have been ſcarce perceptible. After he had atchieved many glorious exploits, in a war againſt the Chineſe on the con⯑tinent, he was ſent with a ſtrong ar⯑my to quell a dangerous inſurrection in the northern parts of Ximo, which is one of the Japoneſe iſlands. He accordingly by his valour cruſhed the rebellion; and afterwards, by dint of clemency and diſcretion, extinguiſhed the laſt embers of diſaffection. When the inſurgents were defeated, diſperſed, and diſarmed, and a ſuf⯑ficient number ſelected for example, his humanity emerged, and took full poſſeſſion of his breaſt. He conſi⯑dered them as wretched men miſled by falſe principles of honour, and ſympathized with their diſtreſs: he pitied them as men and fellow-citi⯑zens: he regarded them as uſeful fellow-ſubjects, who might be re⯑claimed and reunited to the commu⯑nity. [59] Inſtead of ſending out the mi⯑niſters of blood, rapine, and revenge, to ravage, burn, and deſtroy, with⯑out diſtinction of age, ſex, or prin⯑ciple; he extended the arms of mer⯑cy to all who would embrace that indulgence: he protected the lives and habitations of the helpleſs, and diminiſhed the number of the mal⯑contents much more effectually by his benevolence than by his ſword.

The ſouthern Japoneſe had been terribly alarmed at this inſurrection, and in the firſt tranſports of their de⯑liverance, voluntarily taxed them⯑ſelves with a conſiderable yearly tri⯑bute to the hero Quamba-cun-dono. In all probability, they would not have appeared ſo grateful, had they ſtayed to ſee the effects of his mer⯑ciful diſpoſition towards the van⯑quiſhed rebels: for mercy is ſurely no attribute of the Japoneſe, conſi⯑dered as a people. Indeed, nothing could form a more ſtriking contraſt, [60] than appeared in the tranſactions in the northern and ſouthern parts of the empire at this juncture. While the amiable Quamba-cun-dono was em⯑ployed in the godlike office of ga⯑thering together, and cheriſhing un⯑der his wings the poor, diſperſed, forlorn, widows and orphans, whom the ſavage hand of war had deprived of parent, huſband, home, and ſuſ⯑tenance; while he, in the North, ga⯑thered theſe miſerable creatures, even as a hen gathereth her chickens; Sti-phi-rum-poo, and other judges in the South, were condemning ſuch of their parents and huſbands as ſur⯑vived the ſword, to crucifixion, caul⯑drons of boiling oil, or exenteration; and the people were indulging their appetites by feaſting upon the viſcera thus extracted. The liver of a Xi⯑mian was in ſuch requeſt at this pe⯑riod, that if the market had been properly managed and ſupplied, this delicacy would have ſold for two [61] Obans a pound, or about four pounds ſterling. The troops in the North might have provided at the rate of a thouſand head per month for the de⯑mand of Meaco; and tho' the other parts of the carcaſe would not have ſold at ſo high a price as the liver, heart, harrigals, ſweet-bread, and pope's eye; yet the whole, upon an average, would have fetched at the rate of three hundred pounds a head; eſpecially if thoſe animals, which are but poorly fed in their own country, had been fattened up and kept upon hard meat for the ſlaughter. This new branch of traffick would have produced about three hundred and ſixty thouſand pounds annually: for the rebellion might eaſily have been fomented from year to year; and con⯑ſequently it would have yielded a conſiderable addition to the empe⯑ror's revenue, by a proper taxation.

The philoſophers of Japan were divided in their opinions concerning [62] this new taſte for Ximian fleſh, which ſuddenly ſprung up among the Japoneſe. Some aſcribed it to a principle of hatred and revenge, agreeable to the common expreſſion of animoſity among the multitude, ‘"You dog, I'll have your liver."’ Others imputed it to a notion ana⯑lagous to the vulgar conceit, that the liver of a mad dog being eaten is a preventive againſt madneſs; er⯑go, the liver of a traitor is an anti⯑dote againſt treaſon. A third ſort derived this ſtrange appetite from the belief of the Americans, who imagine they ſhall inherit all the vir⯑tues of the enemies they devour; and a fourth affirmed that the de⯑mand for this dainty aroſe from a very high and peculiar flavour in Ximian fleſh, which flavour was diſcovered by accident: moreover, there were not wanting ſome who ſuppoſed this banquet was a kind of ſacrifice to the powers of ſorcery; [63] as we find that one of the ingredients of the charm prepared in Shakeſpear's cauldron was ‘"the liver of blaſ⯑pheming Jew:"’ and indeed it is not at all improbable that the liver of a rebellious Ximian might be altoge⯑ther as effectual. I know that Fi⯑ka-kaka was ſtimulated by curioſity to try the experiment, and held di⯑vers conſultations with his cooks on this ſubject. They all declared in favour of the trial; and it was ac⯑cordingly preſented at the table, where the Cuboy eat of it to ſuch exceſs as to produce a ſurfeit. He underwent a ſevere evacuation both ways, attended with cold ſweats and ſwoonings. In a word, his agony was ſo violent, that he ever after loathed the ſight of Ximian fleſh, whether dead or alive.

With the Fatzman Quamba-cun-dono was connected another Quo called Gotto-mio, viceroy of Xico⯑co, one of the iſlands of Japan. If [64] his underſtanding had been as large as his fortune, and his temper a little more tractable, he would have been a dangerous rival to the Cuboy. But if their brains had been weighed againſt each other, the nineteenth part of a grain would have turned either ſcale; and as Fika-kaka had negative qualities, which ſupported and extended his perſonal influence, ſo Gotto-mio had poſitive powers, that defended him from all ap⯑proaches of popularity. His pride was of the inſolent order; his tem⯑per extremely iraſcible; and his ava⯑rice quite rapacious: nay, he is ſaid to have once declined the honour of a kicking from the Dairo. Conceited of his own talents, he affected to ha⯑rangue in the council of Twenty Eight; but his ideas were embar⯑raſſed; his language was mean; and his elocution more diſcordant than the braying of fifty aſſes. When Fika-kaka addreſſed himſelf to ſpeech, an [65] agreeable ſimper played upon the countenances of all the audience: but ſoon as Gotto-mio ſtood up, every ſpectator raiſed his thumbs to his ears, as it were inſtinctively. The Dairo Got-hama-baba, by the advice of the Cuboy, ſent him over to govern the people of Xicoco, and a more effec⯑tual method could not have been taken to mortify his arrogance. His de⯑portment was ſo inſolent, his oecono⯑my ſo ſordid, and his government ſo arbitrary, that thoſe iſlanders, who are remarkably ferocious and impa⯑tient, expreſſed their hatred and con⯑tempt of him on every occaſion. His Quanbukuſhip was hardly ſafe from outrage in the midſt of his guards; and a croſs was actully erec⯑ted for the execution of his favou⯑rite Kow-kin, who eſcaped with ſome difficulty to the iſland of Ni⯑phon, whither alſo his patron ſoon followed him, attended by the curſes of the people whom he had been ſent to rule.

[66] He who preſided at the council of Twenty Eight was called Soo-ſan-ſin-o, an old experienced ſhrewd po⯑litician, who conveyed more ſenſe in one ſingle ſentence, than could have been diſtilled from all the other brains in council, had they been macerated in one alembic. He was a man of extenſive learning and elegant taſte. He ſaw through the characters of his fellow-labourers in the ad—n. He laughed at the folly of one fac⯑tion, and deteſted the arrogance and preſumption of the other. In an aſ⯑ſembly of ſenſible men, his talents would have ſhone with ſuperior luſ⯑tre: but at the council of Twenty Eight, they were obſcured by the thick clouds of ignorance that enve⯑loped his brethren. The Dairo had a perſonal reſpect for him, and is ſaid to have conferred frequent fa⯑vours on his poſteriors in private. He kicked the Cuboy often ex officio, as a husband thinks it incumbent up⯑on [67] him to careſs his wife: but he kicked the preſident for pleaſure, as a voluptuary embraces his miſtreſs. Soo-ſan-ſin-o, conſcious that he had no family intereſt to ſupport him in cabals among the people, and care⯑leſs of his country's fate, reſolved to enjoy the comforts of life in quiet. He laughed and quaffed with his ſelect companions in private; received his appointments thankfully; and ſwam with the tide of politicks as it hap⯑pened to flow.—It was pretty ex⯑traordinary that the wiſeſt man ſhould be the greateſt cypher: but ſuch was the will of the gods.

Beſides theſe great luminaries that enlightened the cabinet of Japan, I ſhall have occaſion, in the courſe of my narrative, to deſcribe many other ſtars of an inferior order. At this board, there was as great a variety of characters, as we find in the cele⯑brated table of Cebes. Nay, indeed, what was objected to the philoſopher, [68] might have been more juſtly ſaid of the Japoneſe councils. There was neither invention, unity, nor deſign among them. They conſiſted of mobs of ſauntering, ſtrolling, vagrant, and ridiculous politicians. Their ſchemes were abſurd, and their deliberations like the ſketches of anarchy. All was bellowing, bleating, braying, grinning, grumbling, confuſion, and uproar. It was more like a dream of chaos than a picture of human life. If the ΔΑΙΜΩΝ, or Genius was want⯑ing, it muſt be owned that Fika-kaka exactly anſwered Cebes's deſcription of ΤΥΧΗ, or Fortune, blind and fran⯑tic, running about every where; giv⯑ing to ſome, and taking from others, without rule or diſtinction; while her emblem of the round ſtone, fairly ſhews his giddy nature; [...]. Here, however, one might have ſeen many other figures of the painter's allegory; ſuch as Deception tendering the cup of ignorance and [69] error, opinions and appetites; Diſ⯑appointment and Anguiſh; Debauch⯑ery, Profligacy, Gluttony, and Adu⯑lation; Luxury, Fraud, Rapine, Perjury, and Sacrilege: but not the leaſt traces of the virtues which are deſcribed in the groupe of true edu⯑cation, and in the grove of happi⯑neſs.

The two factions that divided the council of Japan, tho' inveterate ene⯑mies to each other, heartily and cor⯑dially concurred in one particular, which was the worſhip eſtabliſhed in the temple of Fakkubaſi, or the White Horſe. This was the orthodox faith in Japan, and was certainly founded, as St. Paul ſaith of the Chriſtian religion, upon the evidence of things not ſeen. All the votaries of this ſuperſtition of Fakkubaſi ſub⯑ſcribed and ſwore to the following creed, implicitly, without heſitation, or mental reſervation. ‘"I believe in the White Horſe, that he deſcended [70] from heaven, and ſojourned in Jeddo, which is the land of promiſe. I be⯑lieve in Bupo his apoſtle, who firſt declared to the children of Niphon, the glad tidings of the goſpel of Fakkubaſi. I believe that the White Horſe was begot by a black mule, and brought forth by a green dragon; that his head is of ſilver, and his hoofs are of braſs; that he eats gold as provender, and diſcharges dia⯑monds as dung; that the Japoneſe are ordained and predeſtined to fur⯑niſh him with food, and the people of Jeddo to clear away his litter. I believe that the iſland of Niphon is joined to the continent of Jeddo; and that whoever thinks otherwiſe ſhall be damned to all eternity. I believe that the ſmalleſt portion of matter may be practically divided ad infinitum: that equal quantities taken from equal quantities, an unequal quantity will remain: that two and two make ſeven: that the ſun rules [71] the night, the ſtars the day; and the moon is made of green cheeſe. Fi⯑nally, I believe that a man cannot be ſaved without devoting his goods and his chattels, his children, relations, and friends, his ſenſes and ideas, his ſoul and his body, to the religion of the White Horſe, as it is preſcribed in the ritual of Fakkubaſi."’ Theſe are the tenets which the Japoneſe miniſters ſwallowed as glib as the Engliſh clergy ſwallow the thirty-nine articles.

Having thus characteriſed the chiefs that diſputed the adminiſtra⯑tion, or, in other words, the empire of Japan, I ſhall now proceed to a plain narration of hiſtorical incidents, without pretending to philoſophize like H—e, or dogmatize like S—tt. I ſhall only tell thee, Nathaniel, that Britain never gave birth but to two hiſtorians worthy of credit, and they were Talieſſin and Geoffrey of Monmouth. I'll [72] tell you another ſecret. The whole world has never been able to produce ſix good hiſtorians. Herodotus is fabulous even to a proverb; Thucy⯑dides is perplexed, obſcure, and un⯑important; Polybius is dry and in⯑elegant; Livy ſuperficial; and Ta⯑citus a coxcomb. Guicciardini wants intereſt; Davila, digeſtion; and Sarpi, truth. In the whole cata⯑logue of French hiſtorians, there is not one of tolerable authenticity

In the year of the period Foggien one hundred and fifty four, the tran⯑quility of Japan was interrupted by the incroachments of the Chineſe ad⯑venturers, who made deſcents upon certain iſlands belonging to the Ja⯑poneſe a great way to the ſouthward of Xicoco. They even ſettled colo⯑nies, and built forts on ſome of them, while the two empires were at peace with each other. When the Japo⯑neſe governors expoſtulated with the Chineſe officers on this intruſion, [73] they were treated with ridicule and contempt: then they had recourſe to force of arms, and ſome ſkir⯑miſhes were fought with various ſucceſs. When the tidings of theſe hoſtilities arrived at Meaco, the whole council of Twenty-Eight was overwhelmed with fear and confu⯑ſion. The Dairo kicked them all round, not from paſſion, but by way of giving an animating fillip to their deliberative faculties. The diſputes had happened in the iſland of Fat⯑ſiſſio: but there were only three members of the council who knew that Fatſiſſio was an iſland, although the commerce there carried on was of the utmoſt importance to the em⯑pire of Japan. They were as much in the dark with reſpect to its ſitua⯑tion. Fika-kaka, on the ſuppoſition that it adjoined to the coaſt of Co⯑rea, expreſſed his apprehenſion that the Chineſe would invade it with a numerous army; and was ſo tranſ⯑ported [74] when Fokſi-roku aſſured him it was an iſland at a vaſt diſtance from any continent, that he kiſſed him five times in the face of the whole council; and his royal maſ⯑ter, Got-hama-baba, ſwore he ſhould be indulged with a double portion of kicking at his next private audience. The ſame counſellor propoſed, that as the Fune or navy of Japan was much more numerous than the fleet of China, they ſhould immediately avail themſelves of this advantage. Quamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was of opinion that war ſhould be im⯑mediately declared, and an army tranſported to the continent. Sti⯑phi-rum-poo thought it would be more expedient to ſweep the ſeas of the Chineſe trading veſſels, without giving them any previous intimation; and to this opinion admiral Nin-kom-poo-po ſubſcribed, not only out of deference to the ſuperior under⯑ſtanding of his ſage ally, who un⯑dertook [75] to prove it was not contrary to the law of nature and nations, to plunder the ſubjects of foreign pow⯑ers, who trade on the faith of trea⯑ties; but alſo from his own inclina⯑tion, which was much addicted to pillage without bloodſhed. To him, therefore, the taſk was left of ſcour⯑ing the ſeas, and intercepting the ſuc⯑cours which (they had received in⯑telligence) were ready to ſail from one of the ports of China to the iſland of Fatſiſſio. In the mean time, junks were provided for tranſ⯑porting thither a body of Japoneſe troops, under the command of one Koan, an obſcure officer without conduct or experience, whom the Fatzman ſelected for this ſervice: not that he ſuppoſed him poſſeſſed of ſuperior merit, but becauſe no leader of diſtinction cared to engage in ſuch a diſagreeable expedition.

Nin-kom-poo-po acted according to the juſteſt ideas which had been [76] formed of his underſtanding. He let looſe his cruiſers among the mer⯑chant ſhips of China, and the har⯑bours of Japan were quickly filled with prizes and priſoners. The Chineſe exclaimed againſt theſe pro⯑ceedings as the moſt perfidious acts of piracy; and all the other powers of Aſia beheld them with aſtoniſh⯑ment. But the conſummate wiſdom of the ſea Sey-ſeo-gun appeared moſt conſpicuous in another ſtroke of ge⯑neralſhip, which he now ſtruck. Inſtead of blocking up in the Chi⯑neſe harbour the ſuccours deſtined to reinforce the enemy in Fatſiſſio, until they ſhould be driven from their incroachments on that iſland, he very wiſely ſent a ſtrong ſquadron of Fune to cruiſe in the open ſea, midway between China and Fatſiſſio, in the moſt tempeſtuous ſeaſon of the year, when the fogs are ſo thick and ſo conſtant in that latitude, as to rival the darkneſs of a winter [77] night; and ſupported the feaſibility of this ſcheme in council, by obſerv⯑ing, that the enemy would be thus decoyed from their harbour, and un⯑doubtedly intercepted in their paſ⯑ſage by the Japoneſe ſquadron. This plan was applauded as one of the moſt ingenious ſtratagems that ever was deviſed; and Fika-kaka inſiſted upon kiſſing his poſteriors, as the moſt honourable mark of his ap⯑probation.

Philoſophers have obſerved, that the motives of actions are not to be eſtimated by events. Fortune did not altogether fulfil the expectations of the council. General Koan ſuf⯑fered himſelf and his army to be de⯑coyed into the middle of a wood, where they ſtood like ſheep in the ſhambles, to be ſlaughtered by an unſeen enemy. The Chineſe ſuc⯑cours perceiving their harbour open, ſet ſail for Fatſiſſio, which they reached in ſafety, by changing their [78] courſe about one degree from the common route; while the Japoneſe Fune continued cruiſing among the fogs, until the ſhips were ſhattered by ſtorms, and the crews more than half deſtroyed by cold and diſ⯑temper.

When the news of theſe diſaſters arrived, great commotion aroſe in the council. The Dairo Got-hama-baba fluttered, and clucked and cackled and hiſſed like a gooſe diſ⯑turbed in the act of incubation. Quamba-cun-dono ſhed bitter tears: the Cuboy ſnivelled and ſobbed: Sti-phi-rum-poo groaned: Gotto⯑mio ſwore: but the ſea Sey-ſeo-gun Nin-kom-poo-po underwent no al⯑teration. He ſat as the emblem of inſenſibility, fixed as the north ſtar, and as cold as that luminary, ſending forth emanations of frigidity. Fi⯑ka-ka, miſtaking this congelation for fortitude, went round and embraced him where he ſat, exclaiming, ‘"My [79] dear Day, Sey-ſeo-gun, what would you adviſe in this dilemma?"’ But the contact had almoſt coſt him his life; for the touch of Nin-kom-poo-po, thus congealed, had the ſame effect as that of the fiſh called Torpor. The Cuboy's whole body was in⯑ſtantly benumbed; and if his friends had not inſtantly poured down his throat a conſiderable quantity of ſtrong ſpirit, the circulation would have ceaſed. This is what philoſo⯑phers call a generation of cold, which became ſo intenſe, that the mercury in a Japoneſe thermometer conſtruc⯑ted on the ſame principles which were afterwards adopted by Fahrn⯑heit, and fixed in the apartment, immediately ſunk thirty degrees be⯑low the freezing point.

The firſt aſtoniſhment of the council was ſucceeded by critical re⯑marks and argumentation. The Dairo conſoled himſelf by obſerving, that his troops made a very ſoldierly [80] appearance as they lay on the field in their new cloathing, ſmart caps, and clean buſkins; and that the ene⯑my allowed they had never ſeen beards and whiskers in better order. He then declared, that ſhould a war enſue with China, he would go abroad and expoſe himſelf for the glory of Japan. Fokſi-roku expreſ⯑ſed his ſurprize, that a general ſhould march his army through a wood in an unknown country, without hav⯑ing it firſt reconnoitred: but the Fatzman aſſured him, that was a practice never admitted into the diſ⯑cipline of Japan. Gotto-mio ſwore the man was mad to ſtand with his men, like oxen in a ſtall, to be knocked on the head without uſing any means of defence. ‘"Why the devil (ſaid he) did not he either re⯑treat, or advance to cloſe engagement with the handful of Chineſe who formed the ambuſcade?"’ ‘"I hope, my dear Quanbuku, (replied the [81] Fatzman) that the troops of Japan will always ſtand without flinching. I ſhould have been mortified beyond meaſure, had they retreated without ſeeing the face of the enemy:—that would have been a diſgrace which never befel any troops formed under my direction; and as for ad⯑vancing, the ground would not per⯑mit any manoeuvre of that nature. They were engaged in a cul de ſac, where they could not form either in hollow ſquare, front line, potence, column or platoon.—It was the for⯑tune of war, and they bore it like men:—we ſhall be more fortunate on another occaſion."’ The preſident Soo-ſan-ſin-o, took notice, that if there had been one ſpaniel in the whole Japoneſe army, this diſaſter could not have happened; as the animal would have beat the buſhes and diſcovered the ambuſcade. He therefore propoſed, that if the war was to be proſecuted in Fatſiſſio, [82] which is a country overgrown with wood, a number of blood-hounds might be provided and ſent over, to run upon the foot in the front and on the flanks of the army, when it ſhould be on its march through ſuch impediments. Quamba-cun-dono declared, that ſoldiers had much better die in the bed of honour, than be ſaved and victorious, by ſuch an unmilitary expedient; that ſuch a propoſal was ſo contrary to the rules of war and the ſcheme of enliſting dogs ſo derogatory from the dignity of the ſervice, that if ever it ſhould be embraced, he would reſign his command, and ſpend the remainder of his life in retirement. This ca⯑nine project was equally diſliked by the Dairo, who approved of the Fatzman's objection, and ſealed his approbation with a pedeſtrian ſalute of ſuch momentum, that the Fatz⯑man could hardly ſtand under the weight of the compliment. It was [83] agreed that new levies ſhould be made, and a new ſquadron of Fune equipped with all expedition; and thus the aſſembly broke up.

Fortune had not yet ſufficiently humbled the pride of Japan. That body of Chineſe which defeated Koan, made ſeveral conqueſts in Faſt⯑ſiſſio, and ſeemed to be in a fair way of reducing the whole iſland. Yet, the court of China, not ſatisfied with this ſucceſs, reſolved to ſtrike a blow, that ſhould be equally humiliating to the Japoneſe, in another part of the world. Having by ſpecious re⯑monſtrances already prepoſſeſſed all the neighbouring nations againſt the government of Japan, as the patrons of perfidy and piracy; they fitted out an armament, which was in⯑tended to ſubdue the iſland of Mo⯑tao on the coaſt of Corea, which the Japoneſe had taken in a former war, and now occupied at a very great ex⯑pence, as a place of the utmoſt im⯑portance [84] to the commerce of the empire. Repeated advices of the ene⯑my's deſign were ſent from different parts, to the m—y of Japan: but they ſeemed all overwhelmed by ſuch a lethargy of infatuation, that no meaſures of prevention were con⯑certed.

Such was the opinion of the peo⯑ple; but the truth is, they were faſt aſleep. The Japoneſe hold with the antient Greeks and modern Americans, that dreams are from heaven; and in any perplexing emer⯑gency, they, like the Indians, Jews, and natives of Madagaſcar, have re⯑courſe to dreaming as to an oracle. Theſe dreams or divinations are pre⯑ceded by certain religious rites ana⯑lagous to the ceremony of the ephod, the urim and the thummim. The rites were religiouſly performed in the council of Twenty-Eight; and a deep ſleep overpowered the Dairo and all his counſellors.

[85] Got-hama-baba the emperor, who repoſed his head upon the pillowy ſides of Quamba-cun-dono, dreamed that he was ſacrificing in the temple of Fakkubaſi, and ſaw the deity of the White Horſe devouring pearls by the buſhel at one end, and void⯑ing corruption by the ton at the other. The Fatzman dreamed that a great number of Chineſe cooks were buſy buttering his brains. Got⯑to-mio dreamed of lending money and borrowing ſenſe. Sti-phi-rum-poo thought he had procured a new law for clapping padlocks upon the chaſtity of all the females in Japan under twenty, of which padlocks he himſelf kept the keys. Nin-kom-poo-po dreamed he was metamor⯑phoſed into a ſea-lion, in purſuit of a ſhoal of golden gudgeons. One did laugh in's ſleep, and one cried murder. The firſt was Soo-ſan-ſin-o, who had preciſely the ſame viſion that diſturbed the imagination of the Cu⯑boy. [86] He thought he ſaw the face of a right reverend prelate of the Bon⯑zas, united with and growing to the poſteriors of the miniſter. Fika-kaka underwent the ſame diſagree⯑able illuſion, with this aggravating circumſtance, that he already felt the teeth of the ſaid Bonza. The preſident laughed aloud at the ridi⯑culous phaenomenon: the Cuboy ex⯑claimed in the terror of being en⯑cumbered with ſuch a monſtrous appendage. It was not without ſome reaſon he cried, ‘"Murder!"’ Fok⯑ſi-roku, who happened to ſleep on the next chair, dreamed of mo⯑ney-bags, places, and reverſions; and in the tranſport of his eagerneſs, laid faſt hold on the trunk-breeches of the Cuboy, including certain fun⯑damentals, which he graſped ſo vio⯑lently as to excite pain, and extort the exclamation from Fika-kaka, even in his ſleep.

The council being at laſt waked [78] by the clamours of the people, who ſurrounded the palace, and proclaimed that Motao was in danger of an inva⯑ſion; the ſea Sey-ſeo-gun Nin-kom-poo-po, was ordered to fit out a fleet of Fune for the relief of that iſland; and directions were given that the commander of theſe Fune ſhould, in his voyage, touch at the garriſon of Foutao, and take on board from thence a certain number of troops, to reinforce the Japoneſe governor of the place that was in danger. Nin-kom-poo-po for this ſervice choſe the commander Bihn-goh, a man who had never ſignalized himſelf by any act of valour. He ſent him out with a ſquadron of Fune ill manned, wretchedly provided, and inferior in number to the fleet of China, which was by this time known to be aſſem⯑bled in order to ſupport the invaſion of the iſland of Motao. He ſailed, nevertheleſs, on this expedition, and touched at the garriſon of Foutao to [88] take in the reinforcement: but the orders ſent for this purpoſe from Nob-o-di, miniſter for the depart⯑ment of war, appeared ſo contradic⯑tory and abſurd, that they could not poſſibly be obeyed; ſo that Bihn⯑goh proceeded without the reinforce⯑ment towards Motao, the principal fortreſs of which was by this time inveſted. He had been accidentally joined by a few cruiſers, which ren⯑dered him equal in ſtrength to the Chineſe ſquadron which he now de⯑ſcried. Both commanders ſeemed afraid of each other. The fleets, however, engaged; but little da⯑mage was done to either. They parted as if by conſent. Bihn-goh made the beſt of his way back to Foutao, without making the leaſt attempt to ſuccour, or open a com⯑munication with Fi-de-ta-da, the governor of Motao, who, looking upon himſelf as abandoned by his country, ſurrendered his fortreſs, [89] with the whole iſland, to the Chi⯑neſe general. Theſe diſgraces hap⯑pening on the back of the Fatſiſſian diſaſters, raiſed a prodigious ferment in Japan, and the miniſtry had al⯑moſt ſunk under the firſt fury of the people's reſentment. They not only exclaimed againſt the folly of the ad⯑miniſtration, but they alſo accuſed them of treachery; and ſeemed to think that the glory and advantage of the empire had been betrayed. What increaſed the commotion was the terror of an invaſion, with which the Chineſe threatened the iſlands of Japan. The terrors of Fika-ka had already coſt him two pair of trunk hoſe, which were defiled by ſudden ſallies or irruptions from the poſtern of his microcoſm; and theſe were attended with ſuch noiſome effluvia, that the Bonzas could not perform the barbal abſterſion without marks of abhorrence. The emperor him⯑ſelf was ſeen to ſtop his noſe, and [90] turn away his head, when he ap⯑proached him to perform the pedeſ⯑trian exerciſe.

Here I intended to inſert a diſſer⯑tation on trouſers or trunk breeches, called by the Greeks [...], & [...], by the Latins braccae laxae, by the Spaniards bragas anchas, by the Ita⯑lians calzone largo, by the French baut de chauſſes, by the Saxons braecce, by the Swedes brackor, by the Iriſh briechan, by the Celtae brag, and by the Japoneſe bra-ak. I could make ſome curious diſcove⯑ries touching the analogy between the [...] and [...], and point out the preciſe time at which the Grecian women began to wear the breeches. I would have demon⯑ſtrated that the cingulum muliebre was originally no other than the wife's li⯑terally wearing the husband's trouſers at certain orgia, as a mark of domi⯑nion transferred pro tempore, to the female. I would have drawn a cu⯑rious [91] parallel between the [...] of the Greek, and the ſhim or middle cloth worn by the black ladies in Guinea. I would have proved that breeches were not firſt uſed to defend the central parts from the injuries of the weather, inaſmuch as they were firſt worn by the Orientals in a warm climate; as you may ſee in Perſius, Braccatis illita medis—porticus. I would have ſhewn that breeches were firſt brought from Aſia to the nor⯑thern parts of Europe, by the Celtae ſprung from the antient Gomanaus: that trouſers were wore in Scotland long before the time of Pythagoras; and indeed we are told by Jambly⯑chus, that Abaris, the famous High⯑land philoſopher, cotemporary, and perſonally acquainted with the ſage of Crotona, wore long trouſers. I myſelf can atteſt the truth of that deſcription, as I well remember the perſon and habit of that learned mountaineer. I would have explained [92] the reaſons that compelled the poſte⯑rity of thoſe mountaineers to aban⯑don the breeches of their forefathers, and expoſe their poſteriors to the wind. I would have convinced the Engliſh antiquaries that the inhabi⯑tants of Yorkſhire came originally from the Highlands of Scotland, be⯑fore the Scots had laid aſide their breeches, and wore this part of dreſs, long after their anceſtors, as well as the ſouthern Britons were un⯑breeched by the Romans. From this diſtinction they acquired the name of Brigantes, quaſi Bragantes; and hence came the verb to brag or boaſt contemptuouſly: for the neigh⯑bours of the Brigantes being at vari⯑ance with that people, uſed, by way of contumelious defiance, when they ſaw any of them paſſing or repaſſing, to clap their hands on their poſteriors, and cry Brag-Brag.—I would have drawn a learned compariſon between the ſhield of Ajax and the ſeven-fold [93] breeches of a Dutch skipper. Fi⯑nally, I would have promulgated the original uſe of trunk breeches, which would have led me into a diſ⯑cuſſion of the rites of Cloacina, ſo differently worſhipped by the ſou⯑thern and northern inhabitants of this kingdom. Theſe diſquiſitions would have unveiled the myſteries that now conceal the orgin, migra⯑tion, ſuperſtition, language, laws, and connexions of different nations—ſed nunc non erit his locus. I ſhall only obſerve, that Linſchot and others are miſtaken in deriving the Japoneſe from their neighbours the Chineſe; and that Dr. Kempfer is right in his conjecture, ſuppoſing them to have come from Media im⯑mediately after the confuſion of Ba⯑bel. It is no wonder, therefore, that being Braccatorum filii, they ſhould retain the wide breeches of their progenitors.

[94] Having dropped theſe hints con⯑cerning the origin of breeches, I ſhall now return to the great perſo⯑nage that turned me into this train of thinking. The council of Twenty-Eight being aſſembled in a great hurry, Fika-kaka ſat about five ſe⯑conds in ſilence, having in his coun⯑tenance, nearly the ſame expreſſion which you have ſeen in the face and attitude of Felix on his tribunal, as repreſented by the facetious Hogarth in his print done after the Dutch taſte. After ſome pauſe he roſe, and ſurveying every individual of the council through a long tube, began a ſpeech to this effect: ‘"Imperial Got-hama-baba, my ever-glorious maſter; and you, ye illuſtrious no⯑bles of Japan, Quanbukus, Quos, Days, and Daygos, my fellows and colleagues in the work of adminiſ⯑tration; it is well known to you all, and they are raſcals that deny it, I [95] have watched and faſted for the pu⯑blic weal.—By G—d, I have de⯑prived myſelf of two hours of my na⯑tural reſt, every night for a week to⯑gether.—Then, I have been ſo hur⯑ried with ſtate affairs, that I could not eat a comfortable meal in a whole fortnight; and what rendered this misfortune the greater, my chief cook had dreſſed an olio a la Chine.—I ſay an olio, my Lords, ſuch an olio as never appeared before upon a table in Japan—by the Lord, it coſt me fifty Obans; and I had not time to taſte a morſel.—Well, then, I have watched that my fellow-ſub⯑jects ſhould ſleep; I have faſted that they ſhould feed.—I have not only watched and faſted, but I have prayed—no, not much of that—yes, by the Lord, I have prayed as it were—I have ejaculated—I have danced and ſung at the Matſuris, which, you know, are religious rites—I have headed the multitude, [96] and treated all the ragamuffins in Japan.—To be certain, I could not do too much for our moſt excellent and ſublime emperor, an emperor une⯑qualled in wiſdom, and unrivalled in generoſity.—Were I to expatiate from the riſing of the ſun to the ſet⯑ting thereof, I ſhould not ſpeak half his praiſe.—O happy nation! O fortunate Japan! happy in ſuch a Dairo to wield the ſceptre; and let me add, (vanity apart) fortunate in ſuch a Cuboy to conduct the admi⯑niſtration.—Such a prince! and ſuch a miniſter!—a ha! my noble friend Soo-ſan-ſin-o, I ſee your Dayſhip ſmile—I know what you think, ha! ha!—Very well, my Lord—you may think what you pleaſe; but two ſuch head-pieces—pardon, my roy⯑al maſter, my preſumption in laying our heads together, you wo'n't find again in the whole univerſe, ha! ha!—I'll be damn'd if you do, ha! ha! ha!"’ The tumult without doors [97] was, by this time, increaſed to ſuch a degree, that the Cuboy could utter nothing more ab anteriori; and the majority of the members ſat aghaſt in ſilence. The Dairo declared he would throw his cap out of the win⯑dow into the midſt of the populace, and challenge any ſingle man of them to bring it up: but he was diſſuaded from hazarding his ſacred perſon in ſuch a manner. Quamba-cun-dono propoſed to let looſe the guards among the multitude: but Fika-kaka pro⯑teſted he could never agree to an ex⯑pedient ſo big with danger to the perſons of all preſent. Sti-phi-rum-poo was of opinion, that they ſhould proceed according to law, and indict the leaders of the mob for a riot. Nin-kom-poo-po exhorted the Dairo and the whole council to take refuge on board the fleet. Gotto-mio ſweated in ſilence: he trembled for his money-bags, and dreaded another encounter with the mob, by whom [98] he had ſuffered ſeverely in the fleſh, upon a former occaſion. The preſi⯑dent ſhrugged up his ſhoulders, and kept his eye fixed upon a poſtern or back-door. In this general conſter⯑nation, Fokſi-roku ſtood up and of⯑fered a ſcheme, which was imme⯑diately put in execution. ‘"The multitude, my Lords, (ſaid he) is a many headed monſter—it is a Cerbe⯑rus that muſt have a ſop:—it is a wild beaſt, ſo ravenous that nothing but blood will appeaſe its appetite:—it is a whale, that muſt have a barrel for its amuſement:—it is a daemon to which we muſt offer up human ſacrifice. Now the queſtion is, who is to be this ſop, this barrel, this ſcape-goat?—Tremble not, il⯑luſtrious Fika-kaka—be not afraid—your life is of too much conſe⯑quence.—But I perceive that the Cuboy is moved—an unſavoury odour aſſails my noſtrils—brief let me be—Bihn-goh muſt be the victim—hap⯑py, [99] if the ſacrifice of his ſingle life can appeaſe the commotions of his country. To him let us impute the loſs of Motao:—let us, in the mean time, ſoothe the rabble with ſolemn promiſes that national juſtice ſhall be done;—let us employ emiſſaries to mingle in all places of plebeian re⯑ſort; to puzzle, perplex, and preva⯑ricate; to exaggerate the miſconduct of Bihn-goh; to traduce his charac⯑ter with retroſpective reproach; ſtrain circumſtances to his prejudice; in⯑flame the reſentment of the vulgar againſt that devoted officer; and keep up the flame by feeding it with continual fuel."’

The ſpeech was heard with univer⯑ſal applauſe: Fokſi-roku was kicked by the Dairo and kiſſed by the Cu⯑boy, in token of approbation. The populace were diſperſed by means of fair promiſes. Bihn-goh was put under arreſt, and kept as a malefac⯑tor in cloſe priſon. Agents were [100] employed through the whole metro⯑polis to vilify his character, and ac⯑cuſe him of cowardice and treachery. Authors were enliſted to defame him in public writings; and mobs hired to hang and burn him in effigie. By theſe means the revenge of the people was artfully transferred, and their attention effectually diverted from the miniſtry, which was the firſt object of their indignation. At length, matters being duly prepared for the exhibition of ſuch an extraor⯑dinary ſpectacle, Bihn-goh under⯑went a public trial, was unanimouſly found guilty, and unanimouſly de⯑clared innocent; by the ſame mouths condemned to death and recommen⯑ded to mercy: but mercy was in⯑compatible with the deſigns of the ad—n. The unfortunate Bihn-goh was crucified for cowardice, and bore his fate with the moſt heroic courage. His behaviour at his death was ſo inconſiſtent with the crime [101] for which he was doomed to die, that the emiſſaries of the Cuboy were fain to propagate a report, that Bihn-goh had bribed a perſon to repreſent him at his execution, and be cruci⯑fied in his ſtead.

This was a ſtratagem very well calculated for the meridian of the Japoneſe populace; and it would have ſatisfied them intirely, had not their fears been concerned. But the Chineſe had for ſome time been threatening an invaſion, the terror of which kept the people of Japan in perpetual agitation and diſquiet. They neglected their buſineſs; and ran about in diſtraction, inquiring news, liſtening to reports, ſtaring, whiſpering, whimpering, clamour⯑ing, neglecting their food and re⯑nouncing their repoſe. The Dairo, who believed the Tartars of Yeſſo (from whom he himſelf was de⯑ſcended) had more valour, and ſkill and honeſty, than was poſſeſſed by [102] any other nation on earth, took a large body of them into his pay, and brought them over to the iſ⯑land of Niphon, for the defence of his Japoneſe dominions. The truth is, he had a ſtrong predilecti⯑on for that people: he had been nurſed among them, and ſucked it from the nipple. His father had ſucceeded as heir to a paultry farm in that country; and there he fitted up a cabin, which he preferred to all the palaces of Meaco and Jeddo. The ſon received the firſt rudiments of his education among theſe Tar⯑tars, whoſe country had given birth to his progenitor Bupo. He there⯑fore loved their country; he admired their manners, becauſe they were conformable to his own; and he was in particular captivated by the taſte they ſhewed in trimming and curling their muftachios.

In full belief that the Yeſſites ſtood as high in the eſtimation of his Ja⯑poneſe [103] ſubjects, as in his own, he imported a body of them into Ni⯑phon, where, at firſt, they were re⯑ceived as ſaviours and protectors; but the apprehenſion of danger no ſooner vaniſhed, than they were ex⯑poſed to a thouſand inſults and mor⯑tifications ariſing from the natural prejudice to foreigners, which pre⯑vails among the people of Japan. They were reviled, calumniated, and maltreated in every different form, by every claſs of people; and when the ſevere ſeaſon ſet in, the Japoneſe refuſed ſhelter from the extremities of the weather, to thoſe very auxi⯑liaries they had hired to defend every thing that was dear to them, from the ſwords of an enemy whom they themſelves durſt not look in the face. In vain Fika-kaka employed a double band of artiſts to tickle their noſes. They ſhut their eyes, indeed, as uſual: but their eyes no ſooner clo⯑ſed, than their mouths opened, and [104] out flew the tropes and figures of ob⯑loquy and execration. They ex⯑claimed, that they had not bought, but caught the Tartar; that they had hired the wolves to guard the ſheep; that they were ſimple beaſts who could not defend themſelves from the dog with their own horns; but what could be expected from a flock which was led by ſuch a puſillanimous bell⯑weather?—In a word, the Yeſſites were ſent home in diſgrace: but the ſerment did not ſubſide; and the conduct of the adminiſtration was ſummoned before the venerable tri⯑bunal of the populace.

There was one Taycho, who had raiſed himſelf to great conſideration in this ſelf-conſtituted college of the mob. He was diſtinguiſhed by a loud voice, an unabaſhed counte⯑nance, a fluency of abuſe, and an intrepidity of oppoſition to the mea⯑ſures of the Cuboy, who was far from being a favourite with the ple⯑beians. [105] Orator Taycho's eloquence was admirably ſuited to his audience; he roared, and he brayed, and he bellowed againſt the m—r: he threw out perſonal ſarcaſms againſt the Dai⯑ro himſelf. He inveighed againſt his partial attachment to the land of Yeſſo, which he had more than once manifeſted to the detriment of Ja⯑pan: he inflamed the national pre⯑judice againſt foreigners; and as he profeſſed an inviolable zeal for the commons of Japan, he became the firſt demagogue of the empire. The truth is, he generally happened to be on the right ſide. The partiality of the Dairo, the errors, abſurdities, and corruption of the miniſtry, preſented ſuch a palpable mark as could not be miſſed by the arrows of his declamation. This Cerberus had been ſilenced more than once with a ſop; but whether his appetite was not ſatisfied to the full, or he was ſtill ſtimulated by the turbulence of [106] his diſpoſition, which would not al⯑low him to reſt, he began to ſhake his chains anew, and open in the old cry; which was a ſpecies of muſick to the mob, as agreeable as the ſound of a bagpipe to a mountaineer of North Britain, or the ſtrum-ſtrum to the ſwarthy natives of Angola. It was a ſtrain which had the wonderful effect of effacing from the memory of his hearers, every idea of his for⯑mer ſickleneſs and apoſtacy.

In order to weaken the effect of orator Taycho's harangues, the Cu⯑boy had found means to intrude up⯑on the councils of the mob, a native of Ximo called Mura-clami, who had acquired ſome reputation for elo⯑quence, as an advocate in the tribu⯑nals of Japan. He certainly poſſeſ⯑ſed an uncommon ſhare of penetra⯑tion, with a ſilver tone of voice, and a great magazines of words and phraſes, which flowed from him in a pleaſing tide of elocution. He [107] had withal the art of ſoothing, wheed⯑ling, inſinuating, and miſrepreſenting with ſuch a degree of plauſibility, that his talents were admired even by the few who had ſenſe enough to detect his ſophiſtry. He had no idea of principle, and no feeling of huma⯑nity. He had renounced the maxims of his family, after having turned them to the beſt account by execrat⯑ing the rites of Fakkubaſi or the White Horſe, in private among mal⯑contents, while he worſhipped him in public with the appearance of en⯑thuſiaſtic devotion. When detected in this double dealing, he fairly owned to the Cuboy, that he curſed the White Horſe in private for his private intereſt, but that he ſerved him in public from inclination.

The Cuboy had juſt ſenſe enough to perceive that he would always be true to his own intereſt; and there⯑fore he made it his intereſt to ſerve the m—y to the full extent of his [108] faculties. Accordingly Mura-clami fought a good battle with orator Tay⯑cho, in the occaſional aſſemblies of the populace. But as it is much more eaſy to inflame than to allay, to accuſe than to acquit, to aſperſe than to purify, to unveil truth than to varniſh falſhood; in a word, to patronize a good cauſe than to ſup⯑port a bad one; the majeſty of the mob ſnuffed up the excrementitious ſalts of Taycho's invectives, until their jugulars ached, while they re⯑jected with ſigns of loathing the flowers of Mura-clami's elocution; juſt as a citizen of Edinburgh ſtops his noſe when he paſſes by the ſhop of a perfumer.

While the conſtitution of human nature remains unchanged, ſatire will be always better received than panegyric, in thoſe popular ha⯑rangues. The Athenians and Ro⯑mans were better pleaſed with the Philippics of Demoſthenes and Tully, [109] than they would have been with all the praiſe thoſe two orators could have culled from the ſtores of their elo⯑quence. A man feels a ſecret ſatis⯑faction in ſeeing his neighbour treated as a raſcal. If he be a knave him⯑ſelf, (which ten to one is the caſe) he rejoices to ſee a character brought down to the level of his own, and a new member added to his ſociety; if he be one degree removed from ac⯑tual roguery, (which is the caſe with nine-tenths of thoſe who enjoy the reputation of virtue) he indulges him⯑ſelf with the Phariſaical conſolation, of thanking God he is not like that publican.

But, to return from this di⯑greſſion, Mura-clami, though he could not with all his talents main⯑tain any ſort of competition with Taycho, in the opinion of the mob; he, nevertheleſs, took a more effec⯑tual method to weaken the force of his oppoſition. He pointed out to [110] Fika-kaka the proper means for amending the errors of his admini⯑ſtration: he propoſed meaſures for proſecuting the war with vigour: he projected plans of conqueſt in Fatſiſ⯑ſio; recommended active officers; forwarded expeditions; and infuſed ſuch a ſpirit into the councils of Ja⯑pan, as had not before appeared for ſome centuries.

But his patron was precluded from the benefit of theſe meaſures, by the obſtinate prejudice and precipitation of the Dairo, who valued his Yeſſian farm above all the empire of Japan. This precious morſel of inheritance bordered upon the territories of a Tartar chief called Brut-an-tiffi, a famous freebooter, who had inured his Kurd to bloodſhed, and enriched himſelf with rapine. Of all man⯑kind, he hated moſt the Dairo, tho' his kinſman; and ſought a pretence for ſeizing the farm, which in three days he could have made his own. [111] The Dairo Gothama-baba was not ignorant of his ſentiments. He trembled for his cabin when he con⯑ſidered its ſituation between hawk and buzzard; expoſed on one ſide to the talons of Brut-an-tiffi, and open on the other to the incurſions of the Chineſe, under whoſe auſpices the ſaid Brut-an-tiffi had acted formerly as a zealous partizan. He had, in⯑deed, in a former quarrel exerted himſelf with ſuch activity and ran⯑cour, to thwart the politics of the Dairo, and accumulate expences on the ſubjects of Niphon, that he was univerſally deteſted through the whole empire of Japan as a lawleſs robber, deaf to every ſuggeſtion of humanity, reſpecting no law, reſtricted by no treaty, ſcoffing at all religion, goaded by ambition, inſtigated by cruelty, and attended by rapine.

In order to protect the farm from ſuch a dangerous neighbour, Gotha⯑ma-baba, by an effort of ſagacity pe⯑culiar [112] to himſelf, granted a large ſubſidy from the treaſury of Japan, to a remote nation of Mantchoux Tartars, on condition that they ſhould march to the aſſiſtance of his farm, whenever it ſhould be attacked. With the ſame ſanity of foreſight, the Dutch might engage in a defenſive league with the Otto⯑man Porte, to ſcreen them from the attempts of the moſt Chriſtian king, who is already on their frontiers. Brut-an-tiffi knew his advantage, and was reſolved to enjoy it. He had formed a plan of uſurpation, which could not be executed without conſi⯑derable ſums of money. He gave the Dairo to underſtand, he was per⯑fectly ſenſible how much the farm lay at his mercy: then propoſed, that Got-hama-baba ſhould renounce his ſubſidiary treaty with the Mantchoux; pay a yearly tribute to him Brut-an-tiffi, in conſideration of his forbear⯑ing to ſeize the farm; and maintain [113] an army to protect it on the other ſide from the irruptions of the Chi⯑neſe.

Got-hama-baba, alarmed at this declaration, began by his emiſſaries to ſound the inclinations of his Ja⯑poneſe ſubjects touching a continen⯑tal war, for the preſervation of the farm; but he found them totally averſe to this wiſe ſyſtem of politicks. Taycho, in particular, began to bawl and bellow among the mob, upon the abſurdity of attempting to defend a remote cabin, which was not defenſible; upon the iniquity of ruining a mighty empire, for the ſake of preſerving a few barren acres, a naked common, a poor, pitiful, pelt⯑ing farm, the intereſt of which, like Aaron's rod, had already, on many oc⯑caſions, ſwallowed up all regard and conſideration for the advantage of Ja⯑pan. He inveighed againſt the ſhameful and ſenſeleſs partiality of Got-hama-baba: he mingled menaces with his [114] repreſentations. He expatiated on the folly and pernicious tendency of a continental war: he enlarged upon the independence of Japan, ſecure in her inſular ſituation. He declared, that not a man ſhould be ſent to the continent, nor a ſubſidy granted to any greedy, mercenary, freebooting Tartar; and threatened, that if any corrupt miniſter ſhould dare to form ſuch a connexion, he would hang it about his neck, like a millſtone, to ſink him to perdition. The bellows of Taycho's oratory blew up ſuch a flame in the nation, that the Cuboy and all his partizans were afraid to whiſper one ſyllable about the farm.

Mean while Brut-an-tiffi, in order to quicken their determinations, withdrew the garriſon he had in a town on the frontiers of China, and it was immediately occupied by the Chineſe; an army of whom poured in like a deluge through this opening upon the lands adjoining to the farm. [115] Got-hama-baba was now ſeized with a ſit of temporary diſtraction. He foamed and raved, and curſed and ſwore in the Tartarian language: he declared he would challenge Brut-an-tiffi to ſingle combat. He not only kicked, but alſo cuffed the whole council of Twenty-Eight, and played at foot-ball with his im⯑perial tiara. Fika-kaka was dumb-founded: Sti-phi-rum-poo muttered ſomething about a commiſſion of lu⯑nacy: Nin-kom-poo-po pronounced the words flat-bottomed junks; but his teeth chattered ſo much, that his meaning could not be underſtood. The Fatzman offered to croſs the ſea and put himſelf at the head of a body of light horſe, to obſerve the motions of the enemy; and Gotto-mio prayed fervently within himſelf, that God Almighty would be pleaſed to anni⯑hilate that accurſed farm, which had been productive of ſuch miſchief to Japan. Nay, he even ventured to [116] exclaim, ‘"Would to God, the farm was ſunk in the middle of the Tar⯑tarian ocean!"’ ‘"Heaven forbid! (cried the preſident Soo-ſan-ſin-o) for in that caſe, Japan muſt be at the expence of weighing it up again."’

In the midſt of this perplexity, they were ſuddenly ſurpriſed at the apparition of Taycho's head nodding from a window that overlooked their deliberations. At ſight of this hor⯑rid ſpectacle the council broke up. The Dairo fled to the inmoſt receſſes of the palace, and all his counſellors vaniſhed, except the unfortunate Fi-ka-kaka, whoſe fear had rendered him incapable of any ſort of motion but one, and that he inſtantly had to a very efficacious degree. Tay⯑cho bolting in at the window, ad⯑vanced to the Cuboy without cere⯑mony, and accoſted him in theſe words: ‘"It depends upon the Cu⯑boy, whether Taycho continues to oppoſe his meaſures, or becomes his [117] moſt obſequious ſervant. Ariſe, il⯑luſtrious Quanbuku, and caſt your eyes upon the ſteps by which I aſ⯑cended."’ Accordingly Fika-kaka looked, and ſaw a multitude of peo⯑ple who had accompanied their orator into the court of the palace, and raiſed for him an occaſional ſtair of various implements. The firſt ſtep was made by an old fig-box, the ſe⯑cond by a nightman's bucket, the third by a cask of hempſeed, the fourth by a tar-barrel, the fifth by an empty kilderkin, the ſixth by a keg, the ſeventh by a bag of ſoot, the eighth by a fiſhwoman's basket, the ninth by a rotten pack-ſaddle, and the tenth by a block of hard wood from the iſland of Fatſiſſio. It was ſupported on one ſide by a varniſhed lettered poſt, and on the other by a crazy hogſhead. The artificers who erected this climax, and now exulted over it with hideous clamour, conſiſted of grocers, ſcavengers, hal⯑ter-makers, [118] carpenters, draymen, diſtillers, chimney-ſweepers, oyſter-women, aſs-drivers, aldermen, and dealers in waſte paper.—To make myſelf underſtood, I am obliged, Pea⯑cock, to make uſe of thoſe terms and denominations which are known in this metropolis.

Fika-kaka, having conſidered this work with aſtoniſhment, and heard the populace declare upon oath, that they would exalt their orator above all competition, was again addreſſed by the invincible Taycho. ‘"Your Quanbukuſhip perceives how boot⯑leſs it will be to ſtrive againſt the tor⯑rent.—What need is there of many words? admit me to a ſhare of the adminiſtration—I will commence your humble ſlave—I will protect the farm at the expence of Japan, while there is an Oban left in the iſland of Niphon; and I will muz⯑zle theſe bears ſo effectually, that they ſhall not ſhew their teeth, ex⯑cept [119] in applauding our proceedings."’ An author who ſees the apparition of a bailiff ſtanding before him in his garret, and inſtead of being ſhewn a capias, is preſented with a bank note; an impatient lover ſtopped upon Bagſhot heath by a perſon in a maſque, who proves to be his ſweet⯑heart come to meet him in diſguiſe, for the ſake of the frolick; a con⯑demned criminal, who, on the morning of execution-day, inſtead of being called upon by the finiſher of the law, is viſited by the ſheriff with a free pardon; could not be more agreeably ſurpriſed than was Fika-kaka at the demagogue's de⯑claration. He flew into his em⯑brace and wept aloud with joy, cal⯑ling him his dear Taycho. He ſqueezed his hand, kiſſed him on both cheeks, and ſwore he ſhould ſhare the better half of all his pow⯑er: then he laughed and ſnivelled by turns, lolled out his tongue, [120] waddled about the chamber, wrig⯑gled and niggled and noddled. Fi⯑nally, he undertook to prepare the Dairo for his reception, and it was agreed that the orator ſhould wait on his new colleague next morning.—This matter being ſettled to their mutual ſatisfaction, Taycho retreated through the window into the court⯑yard, and was convoyed home in triumph by that many-headed hydra the mob, which ſhook its multitudi⯑nous tail, and brayed through every throat with hideous exultation.

The Cuboy, mean while, had an⯑other trial to undergo, a trial which he had not foreſeen. Taycho was no ſooner departed, than he hied him to the Dairo's cabinet, in order to communicate the happy ſucceſs of his negotiation. But at certain pe⯑riods, Got-hama-baba's reſentment was more than a match for any other paſſion that belonged to his diſpoſi⯑tion, and now it was its turn to [121] reign. The Dairo was made of very combuſtible materials, and theſe had been kindled up by the appearance of orator Taycho, who (he knew) had treated his perſon with indecent freedoms, and publickly vilified the worſhip of the White Horſe. When Fika-kaka, therefore, told him he had made peace with the demagogue, the Dairo, inſtead of giving him the kick of approbation, turned his own back upon the Cuboy, and ſilenced him with a boh! Had Fika-kaka aſ⯑ſailed him with the ſame ſyllogiſti⯑cal ſophiſm which was uſed by the Stagyrite to Alexander in a paſſion, perhaps he might have liſtened to reaſon: [...].—‘"An⯑ger ſhould be raiſed not by our equals, but by our ſuperiors; but you have no equal."’—Certain it is, that Got-hama-baba had no equal; but Fika-kaka was no more like Ariſ⯑totle, than his maſter reſembled [122] Alexander. The Dairo remained deaf to all his remonſtrances, tears, and intreaties, until he declared that there was no other way of ſaving the farm, but that of giving charte blanche to Taycho. This argument ſeemed at once to diſpel the clouds which had been compelled by his in⯑dignation: he conſented to receive the orator in quality of miniſter, and next day was appointed for his intro⯑duction.

In the morning Taycho the Great repaired to the palace of the Cuboy, where he privately performed the ceremony of oſculation a poſteriori, ſung a ſolemn Palinodia on the ſub⯑ject of political ſyſtem, repeated and ſigned the Buponian creed, embraced the religion of Fakkubaſi, and adored the White Horſe with marks of un⯑feigned piety and contrition. Then he was conducted to the antichamber of the emperor, who could not, with⯑out great difficulty, ſo far maſter [123] his perſonal diſlike, as to appear be⯑fore him with any degree of compo⯑ſure. He was brought forth by Fi⯑ka-kaka like a tame bear to the ſtake, if that epithet of tame can be given with any propriety to an animal which no body but his keeper dares approach. The orator perceiving him advance, made a low obeiſance according to the cuſtom of Japan, that is, by bending the body averſe from the Dairo, and laying the right hand upon the left buttock; and pronounced with an audible voice, ‘"Behold, invincible Got-hama-ba⯑ba, a ſincere penitent come to make atonement for his virulent oppoſition to your government, for his atroci⯑ous inſolence to your ſacred perſon. I have calumniated your favourite farm, I have queſtioned your inte⯑grity, I have vilified your charac⯑ter, ridiculed your underſtanding, and deſpiſed your authority"’—This recapitulation was ſo diſagreeable to [124] the Dairo, that he ſuddenly flew off at a tangent, and retreated growling to his den; from whence he could by no means be lugged again by the Cuboy, until Taycho, exalting his voice, uttered theſe words:—‘"But I will exalt your authority more than ever it was debaſed—I will extol your wiſdom, and expatiate on your generoſity; I will glorify the White Horſe, and ſacrifice all the treaſures of Japan, if needful, for the protec⯑tion of the farm of Yeſſo."’ By theſe cabaliſtical ſounds the wrath of Got-hama-baba was intirely ap⯑peaſed. He now returned with an air of gaiety, ſtrutting, ſideling, circling, fluttering, and cobbling like a turkey-cock in his pride, when he diſplays his ſeathers to the ſun. Taycho hailed the omen; and turning his face from the emperor, received ſuch a ſalutation on the os ſacrum, that the parts continued vibrating and ſingling for ſeveral days.

[125] An indenture tripartite was now drawn up and executed. Fika-kaka was continued treaſurer, with his levees, his Bonzas, and his places; and orator Taycho undertook, in the character of chief ſcribe, to protect the farm of Yeſſo, as well as to bridle and manage the blatant beaſt whoſe name was Legion. That a perſon of his kidney ſhould have the pre⯑ſumption to undertake ſuch an affair, is not at all ſurpriſing; the wonder is, that his performance ſhould even exceed his promiſe. The truth is, he promiſed more than he could have performed, had not certain unfore⯑ſeen incidents, in which he had no concern, contributed towards the infatuation of the people.

The firſt trial to which he brought his aſcendency over the mob, was his procuring from them a free gift, to enable the Dairo to arm his own private tenants in Yeſſo, together with ſome ragamuffin Tartars in the [126] neighbourhood, for the defence of the farm. They winked ſo hard up⯑on this firſt over-act of his apoſ⯑tacy, that he was fully perſuaded they had reſigned up all their ſenſes to his direction; and reſolved to ſhew them to all Europe, as a ſurpriſing inſtance of his art in monſter-tam⯑ing. This furious beaſt not only ſuffered itſelf to be bridled and ſad⯑dled, but friſked and fawned, and purred and yelped, and crouched be⯑fore the orator, licking his feet, and preſenting its back to the burthens which he was pleaſed to impoſe. Immediately after this firſt eſſay, Qamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was ſent over to aſſemble and command a body of light horſe in Yeſſo, in or⯑der to keep an eye on the motions of the enemy; and indeed this vigilant and ſagacious commander conducted himſelf with ſuch activity and diſ⯑cretion, that he ſoon brought the war in thoſe parts to a point of ter⯑mination.

[127] Mean while, Brut-an-tiffi conti⯑nuing to hover on the skirts of the farm, at the head of his myrmidons, and demanding of the Dairo a cate⯑gorical anſwer to the hints he had given, Got-hama-baba underwent ſeveral ſucceſſive fits of impatience and diſtraction. The Cuboy, inſti⯑gated by his own partizans, and in particular by Mura-clami, who hoped to ſee Taycho take ſome deſperate ſtep that would ruin his popularity; I ſay the Cuboy, thus ſtimulated, began to ply the orator with ſuch preſſing intreaties as he could no lon⯑ger reſiſt; and now he exhibited ſuch a ſpecimen of his own power and the people's inſanity, as tran⯑ſcends the flight of ordinary faith. Without taking the trouble to ſcratch their long ears, tickle their noſes, drench them with mandragora or geneva, or make the leaſt apology for his own turning tail to the prin⯑ciples which he had all his life ſo [128] ſtrenuouſly inculcated, he crammed down their throats an obligation to pay a yearly tribute to Brut-an⯑tiffi, in conſideration of his forbear⯑ing to ſeize the Dairo's farm; a tri⯑bute which amounted to ſeven times the value of the lands, for the de⯑fence of which it was payed. When I ſaid crammed, I ought to have uſed another phraſe. The beaſt, far from ſhewing any ſigns of loathing, cloſed its eyes, opened its hideous jaws, and as it ſwallowed the inglorious bond, wagged its tail in token of in⯑tire ſatisfaction.

No fritter on Shrove Tueſday was ever more dexterouſly turned, than were the hydra's brains by this mountebank in patriotiſm, this jug⯑gler in politicks, this cat in pan, or cake in pan, or [...] in principle. Some people gave out that he dealt with a conjurer, and others ſcrupled not to inſinuate that he had ſold him⯑ſelf to the evil ſpirit. But there was [129] no occaſion for a conjurer to deceive thoſe whom the daemon of folly had previouſly confounded; and as to ſelling, he ſold nothing but the in⯑tereſt of his country; and of that he made a very bad bargain. Be that as it may, the Japoneſe now viewed Brut-an-tiffi either through a new perſpective, or elſe ſurveyed him with organs intirely metamorphoſed. Yeſ⯑terday they deteſted him as a profli⯑gate ruffian loſt to all ſenſe of honeſty and ſhame, addicted to all manner of vice, a ſcoffer at religion, parti⯑cularly that of Fakkubaſi, the ſcourge of human nature, and the inveterate enemy of Japan. To-day, they glorified him as an unblemiſhed he⯑ro, the protector of good faith, the mirror of honeſty, the pattern of every virtue, a ſaint in piety, a de⯑vout votary to the White Horſe, a friend to mankind, the faſt ally and the firmeſt prop of the Japoneſe empire.

[130] The farm of Yeſſo, which they had ſo long execrated as a pu⯑trid and painful excreſcence upon the breech of their country, which would never be quiet until this curſed wart was either exterminated or taken away; they now fondled as a favourite mole, nay, and cheriſhed as the apple of their eye. One would have imagined that all the inconſiſt⯑encies and abſurdities which charac⯑teriſe the Japoneſe nation, had taken their turns to reign, juſt as the in⯑tereſt of Taycho's ambition required. When it was neceſſary for him to eſtabliſh new principles, at that very inſtant their levity prompted them to renounce their former maxims. Juſt as he had occaſion to faſcinate their ſenſes, the daemon of caprice inſtigated them to ſhut their eyes, and hold out their necks, that they might be led by the noſe. At the very nick of time when he adopted the cauſe of Brut-an-tiffi, in diame⯑trical [131] oppoſition to all his former profeſſions, the ſpirit of whim and ſingularity diſpoſed them to kick againſt the ſhins of common ſenſe, deny the light of day at noon, and receive in their boſoms as a dove, the man before whom they had ſhunned as a ſerpent. Thus every thing con⯑curred to eſtabliſh for orator Tay⯑cho, a deſpotiſm of popularity; and that not planned by reaſon, or raiſed by art, but founded on fatality and finiſhed by accident. Quos Jupiter vult perdere priùs dementat.

Brut-an-tiffi being ſo amply gra⯑tified by the Japoneſe for his promiſe of forbearance with reſpect to the farm of Yeſſo, and determined, at all events, to make ſome new acqui⯑ſition, turned his eyes upon the do⯑mains of Pol-haſſan-akouſti, an⯑other of his neighbours, who had formed a moſt beautiful colony in this part of Tartary; and ruſhed up⯑on it at a minute's warning. His [132] reſolution in this reſpect was ſo ſud⯑denly taken and quickly executed, that he had not yet formed any ex⯑cuſe for this outrage, in order to ſave appearances. Without giving himſelf the trouble to invent a pre⯑tence, he drove old Pol-haſſan-a⯑kouſti out of his reſidence; com⯑pelled the domeſtics of that prince to enter among his own banditti; plundered his houſe, ſeized the ar⯑chives of his family, threatened to ſhoot the antient gentlewoman his wife, exacted heavy contribution from the tenants; then diſperſed a manifeſto in which he declared him⯑ſelf the beſt friend of the ſaid Akouſti and his ſpouſe, aſſuring him he would take care of his eſtate as a precious depoſit to be reſtored to him in due ſeaſon. In the mean time, he thought proper to ſequeſter the rents, that they might not enable Pol-haſſan to take any meaſures that ſhould con⯑duce to his own prejudice. As for [133] the articles of meat, drink, clothing, and lodging, for him and his wife and a large family of ſmall children, he had nothing to do but depend upon Providence, until the preſent troubles ſhould be appeaſed. His behaviour on this occaſion, Peacock, puts me in mind of the Spaniard whom Philip II. employed to aſſaſ⯑ſinate his own ſon Don Carlos. This compaſſionate Caſtilian, when the prince began to deplore his fate, twirled his muſtachio, pronouncing with great gravity theſe words of comfort: ‘"Calla, calla, Senor, todo que ſe haze es por ſu bien."’ ‘"I beg your highneſs won't make any noiſe; this is all for your own good:"’ or the politeneſs of Gibbet in the play called the Beaux Stratagem, who ſays to Mrs. Sullen, ‘"Your jewels, Ma⯑dam, if you pleaſe—don't be under any uneaſineſs, Madam—if you make any noiſe, I ſhall blow your brains out—I have a particular regard for the ladies, Madam."’

[134] But the poſſeſſion of Pol-haſſan's demeſnes was not the ultimate aim of Brut-an-tiffi. He had an eye to a fair and fertile province belonging to a Tartar princeſs of the houſe of Oſtrog. He ſaw himſelf at the head of a numerous banditti trained to war, fleſhed in carnage, and eager for rapine; his coffers were filled with the ſpoils he had gathered in his former freebooting expeditions; and the incredible ſums payed him as an annual tribute from Japan, added to his other advantages, ren⯑dered him one of the moſt formi⯑dable chiefs in all Tartary. Thus elated with the conſciouſneſs of his own ſtrength, he reſolved to make a ſudden irruption into the dominions of Oſtrog, at a ſeaſon of the year when that houſe could not avail itſelf of the alliances they had formed with other powers; and he did not doubt but that, in a few weeks, he ſhould be able to ſubdue the whole [135] country belonging to the Amazonian princeſs. But I can tell thee, Pea⯑cock, his views extended even far⯑ther than the conqueſt of the Oſtrog dominions. He even aſpired at the empire of Tartary, and had formed the deſign of depoſing the great Cham, who was intimately connected with the princeſs of Oſtrog. Inſpired by theſe projects, he, at the beginning of winter, ſuddenly poured like a deluge into one of the provinces that owned this Amazon's ſway; but he had hardly gained the paſſes of the mountains, when he found himſelf oppoſed by a numerous body of forces, aſſembled under the com⯑mand of a celebrated general, who gave him battle without heſitation, and handled him ſo roughly, that he was fain to retreat into the de⯑meſnes of Pol-haſſan, where he ſpent the greateſt part of the winter in exacting contributions and ex⯑tending the reign of deſolation.

[136] All the petty princes and ſtates who hold of the great Cham, began to tremble for their dominions, and the Cham himſelf was ſo much alarmed at the lawleſs proceedings of Brut-an-tiffi, that he convoked a general aſſembly of all the poten⯑tates who poſſeſſed fiefs in the em⯑pire, in order to deliberate upon meaſures for reſtraining the ambition of this ferocious freebooter. Among others, the Dairo of Japan, as lord of the farm of Yeſſo, ſent a deputy to this convention, who, in his maſ⯑ter's name, ſolemnly diſclaimed and profeſſed his deteſtation of Brut-an-tiffi's proceedings, which, indeed, were univerſally condemned. The truth is, he, at this period, dreaded the reſentment of all the other co⯑eſtates rather more than he feared the menaces of Brut-an-tiffi; and, in particular, apprehended a ſentence of outlawry from the Cham, by which at once he would have for⯑feited [137] all legal title to his beloved farm. Brut-an-tiffi, on the other hand, began to raiſe a piteous cla⯑mour, as if he meant to excite com⯑paſſion. He declared himſelf a poor injured prince, who had been a dupe to the honeſty and humanity of his own heart. He affirmed that the Amazon of Oſtrog had entered into a conſpiracy againſt him, with the Mantchoux Tartars, and prince Akouſti: he publiſhed particulars of this dreadful conjuration, which ap⯑peared to be no other than a defen⯑ſive alliance formed in the apprehen⯑ſion that he would fall upon ſome of them, without any regard to treaty, as he had done on a former occaſion, when he ſeized one of the Amazon's beſt provinces. He publickly taxed the Dairo of Japan with having prompted him to commence hoſti⯑lities, and hinted that the ſaid Dairo was to have ſhared his conqueſts. He openly intreated his co-eſtates to [138] interpoſe their influence towards the re-eſtabliſhment of peace in the em⯑pire; and gave them privately to underſtand, that he would ravage their territories without mercy, ſhould they concur with the Cham in any ſentence to his prejudice.

As he had miſcarried in his firſt at⯑tempt, and perceived a terrible cloud gathering around him, in all proba⯑bility he would have been glad to compound matters at this juncture, on condition of being left in ſtatu quo; but this was a condition not to be obtained. The princeſs of Oſ⯑trog had by this time formed ſuch a confederacy, as threatened him with utter deſtruction. She had contracted an offenſive and defenſive alliance with the Chineſe, the Mantchoux, and the Serednee Tartars; and each of theſe powers engaged to furniſh a ſeparate army to humble the inſo⯑lence of Brut-an-tiffi. The majority of the Tartar fiefs agreed to raiſe a [139] body of forces to act againſt him as a diſturber of the publick peace; the great Cham threatened him with a decree of outlawry and rebellion; and the Amazon herſelf oppoſed him at the head of a very numerous and warlike tribe, which had always been conſidered as the moſt formi⯑dable in that part of Tartary. Thus powerfully ſuſtained, ſhe reſolved to enjoy her revenge; and at any rate retrieve the province which had been raviſhed from her by Brut-an-tiffi, at a time when ſhe was embarraſſed with other difficulties. Brut-an-tiffi did not think himſelf ſo reduced as to pur⯑chaſe peace with ſuch a ſacrifice. The Mantchoux were at a great diſtance, naturally ſlow in their motions, and had a very long march through a de⯑ſert country, which they would not attempt without having firſt provided prodigious magazines. The Sered⯑nee were a divided people, among whom he had made ſhift to foment [140] inteſtine diviſions, that would im⯑pede the national operations of the war. The Japoneſe Fatzman formed a ſtrong barrier between him and the Chineſe; the army furniſhed by the fiefs, he deſpiſed as raw, undiſci⯑plined militia: beſides, their de⯑claring againſt him afforded a ſpe⯑cious pretence for laying their re⯑ſpective dominions under contribu⯑tion. But he chiefly depended up⯑on the coffers of Japan, which he firmly believed would hold out until all his enemies ſhould be utterly ex⯑hauſted.

As this freebooter was a principal character in the drama which I in⯑tend to rehearſe, I ſhall ſketch his portrait according to the information I received from a fellow-atom who once reſided at his court, conſtitu⯑ting part in one of the organs be⯑longing to his firſt chamberlain. His ſtature was under the middle ſize; his aſpect mean and forbid⯑ting, [141] with a certain expreſſion which did not at all prepoſſeſs the ſpectator in favour of his morals. Had an ac⯑curate obſerver beheld him without any exterior diſtinctions, in the ſtreets of this metropolis, he would have naturally clapped his hands to his pockets. Thou haſt ſeen the cha⯑racter of Gibbet repreſented on the ſtage by a late comedian of expreſ⯑ſive feature. Nature ſometimes makes a ſtrange contraſt between the interior workmanſhip and the exte⯑rior form; but here the one reflected a true image of the other. His heart never felt an impreſſion of tender⯑neſs: his notions of right and wrong did not refer to any idea of benevo⯑lence, but were founded entirely on the convenience of human commerce; and there was nothing ſocial in the turn of his diſpoſition. By nature he was ſtern, inſolent, and rapacious, uninfluenced by any motive of hu⯑manity; unawed by any precept of [142] religion. With reſpect to religion, he took all opportunities of expoſing it to ridicule and contempt. Liberty of conſcience he allowed to ſuch ex⯑tent, as exceeded the bounds of de⯑corum and diſgraced all legiſlation. He pardoned a criminal convicted of beſtiality, and publickly declared that all modes of religion, and every ſpe⯑cies of amour, might be freely prac⯑tiſed and proſecuted through all his dominions. His capacity was of the middling mould, and he had taken ſome pains to cultivate his under⯑ſtanding. He had ſtudied the Chi⯑neſe language, which he ſpoke with fluency, and piqued himſelf upon his learning, which was but ſuperficial. His temper was ſo capricious and in⯑conſtant, that it was impoſſible even for thoſe who knew him beſt, to fore⯑ſee any one particular of his perſonal demeanour. The ſame individual he would careſs and inſult by turns, without the leaſt apparent change of [143] circumſtance. He has been known to diſmiſs one of his favourites with particular marks of regard, and the moſt flattering profeſſions of affec⯑tion; and before he had time to pull off his buſkins at his own houſe, he has been hurried on horſeback by a detachment of cavalry, and conveyed to the frontiers. Thus harraſſed, without refreſhment or repoſe, he was brought back by another party, and reconveyed to the preſence of Brut-an-tiffi, who embraced him at meeting, and gently chid him for having been ſo long abſent.—The fixed principles of this Tartar were theſe: inſatiable rapacity, reſtleſs ambition, and an inſuperable con⯑tempt for the Japoneſe nation. His maxims of government were entirely deſpotic. He conſidered his ſubjects as ſlaves, to be occaſionally ſacrificed to the accompliſhment of his capital deſigns; but, in the mean time, he indulged them with the protection [142] of equitable laws, and encouraged them to induſtry for his own emolu⯑ment.

His virtues conſiſted of tempe⯑rance, vigilance, activity, and per⯑ſeverance. His folly chiefly appeared in childiſh vanity and ſelf-conceit. He amuſed himſelf with riding, re⯑viewing his troops, reading Chineſe authors, playing on a muſical inſtru⯑ment in uſe among the Tartars, tri⯑fling with buffoons, converſing with ſuppoſed wits, and reaſoning with pretended philoſophers: but he had no communication with the female ſex; nor, indeed, was there any eaſe, comfort, or enjoyment to be derived from a participation of his paſtime. His wits, philoſophers, and buffoons, were compoſed of Chineſe refugees, who ſoon diſco⯑vered his weak ſide, and flattered his vanity to an incredible pitch of infa⯑tuation. They perſuaded him that he was an univerſal genius, an invin⯑cible [145] hero, a ſage legiſlator, a ſublime philoſopher, a conſummate politician, a divine poet, and an elegant hiſto⯑rian. They wrote ſyſtems, compiled memoirs, and compoſed poems, which were publiſhed in his name; nay, they contrived witticiſms, which he uttered as his own.—They had, by means of commercial communication with the banks of the Ganges, pro⯑cured the hiſtory of a Weſtern hero, called Raſkalander, which, indeed, was no other than the Memoirs of Alexander wrote by Quintus Cur⯑tius, tranſlated from the Indian lan⯑guage, with an intermixture of Ori⯑ental fables. This they recommended with many hyperbolical encomiums to the peruſal of Brut-an-tiffi, who became enamoured of the perfor⯑mance, and was fired with the ambi⯑tion of rivalling, if not excelling Raſkalander, not only as a warrior, but likewiſe as a patron of taſte and [146] a protector of the liberal arts. As Alexander depoſited Homer's Iliad in a precious caſket; ſo Brut-an-tiffi procured a golden box for pre⯑ſerving this ſophiſtication of Quintus Curtius. It was his conſtant com⯑panion: he affected to read it in pub⯑lic; and to lay it under his pillow at night.

Thus pampered with adulation and intoxicated with dreams of con⯑queſt, he made no doubt of being able to eſtabliſh a new empire in Tartary, which ſhould entirely eclipſe the kingdom of Tum-ming-qua, and raiſe a reputation that ſhould infi⯑nitely tranſcend the fame of Yan, or any emperor that ever ſat upon the throne of Thibet. He now took the field againſt the Amazon of the houſe of Oſtrog; penetrated into her domi⯑nions; defeated one of her generals in a pitched battle; and undertook the ſiege of one of her principal [147] cities, in full confidence of ſeeing her kneeling at his gate before the end of the campaign. In the mean time, her ſcattered troops were rallied and reinforced by another old, experi⯑enced commander, who being well acquainted with the genius of his adverſary, pitched upon an advan⯑tageous ſituation, where he waited for another attack. Brut-an-tiffi, fluſhed with his former victory, and firmly perſuaded that no mortal power could withſtand his proweſs, gave him battle at a very great diſ⯑advantage. The conſequence was natural:—he loſt great part of his ar⯑my; was obliged to abandon the ſiege, and retreat with diſgrace. A ſeparate body, commanded by one of his ableſt captains, met with the ſame fate in a neighbouring coun⯑try; and a third detachment at the fartheſt extremity of his dominions, having attacked an army of the [148] Mantchoux, was repulſed with great loſs.

Theſe were not all the mortifica⯑tions to which he was expoſed about this period. The Fatzman of Japan, who had formed an army for the de⯑fence of the farm of Yeſſo againſt the Chineſe, met with a terrible diſaſter. Notwithſtanding his being outnum⯑bered by the enemy, he exhibited many proofs of uncommon activity and va⯑lour. At length they came to blows with him, and handled him ſo roughly, that he was fain to retreat from poſt to pillar, and leave the farm at their mercy. Had he pur⯑ſued his route to the right, he might have found ſhelter in the dominions of Brut-an-tiffi, and this was his in⯑tention; but, inſtead of marching in a ſtraight line, he revolved to the right, like a planet round the ſun, impelled as it were by a compound impulſe, until he had deſcribed a re⯑gular [149] ſemicircle; and then he found himſelf with all his followers en⯑gaged in a ſheep-pen, from whence there was no egreſs; for the enemy, who followed his ſteps, immediately blocked up the entrance. The un⯑fortunate Fatzman being thus pound⯑ed, muſt have fallen a ſacrifice to his centripetal force, had not he been delivered by the interpoſition of a neighbouring chief, who prevailed upon the Chineſe general to let Quamba-cun-dono eſcape, provided his followers would lay down their arms, and return peaceably to their own habitations. This was a bitter pill, which the Fatzman was obliged to ſwallow, and is ſaid to have coſt him five ſtone of ſuet. He returned to Japan in obſcurity; the Chineſe general took poſſeſſion of the farm in the name of his emperor; and all the damage which the tenants ſuſ⯑tained, was nothing more than a [150] change of maſters, which they had no great cauſe to regret.

To the thinking part of the Japa⯑neſe, nothing could be more agree⯑able than this event, by which they were at once delivered from a perni⯑cious excreſcence, which, like an ulcerated tumour, exhauſted the juices of the body by which it was fed. Brut-an-tiffi conſidered the tranſaction in a different point of view. He foreſaw that the Chineſe forces would now be at liberty to join his enemies, the tribe of Oſ⯑trog, with whom the Chineſe empe⯑ror was intimately connected; and that it would be next to impoſſible to withſtand the joint efforts of the confederacy, which he had brought upon his own head. He therefore raiſed a hideous clamour. He ac⯑cuſed the Fatzman of miſconduct, and inſiſted, not without a mixture of menaces, upon the Dairo's reaſ⯑ſembling [151] his forces in the country of Yeſſo.

The Dairo himſelf was inconſol⯑able. He neglected his food, and re⯑fuſed to confer with his miniſters. He diſmiſſed the Fatzman from his ſervice. He locked himſelf in his cabinet, and ſpent the hours in la⯑mentation. ‘"O my dear farm of Yeſſo! (cried he) ſhall I never more enjoy thy charms!—Shall I never more regale my eye with thy beau⯑teous proſpects, thy hills of heath; thy meads of broom; and thy waſtes of ſand! Shall I never more eat thy black bread, drink thy brown beer, and feaſt upon thy delicate porkers! Shall I never more receive the ho⯑mage of the ſallow Yeſſites with their meagre faces, ragged ſkirts, and wooden ſhoes! Shall I never more improve their huts, and regulate their pigſtyes! O cruel Fate! in vain did I face thy mud-walled manſion with [152] a new freeſtone front! In vain did I cultivate thy turnep-garden! In vain did I encloſe a piece of ground at a great expence, and raiſe a crop of barley, the firſt that ever was ſeen in Yeſſo! In vain did I ſend over a breed of mules and black cattle for the purpoſes of huſbandry! In vain did I ſupply you with all the imple⯑ments of agriculture! In vain did I ſow graſs and grain for food, and plant trees, and furze and fern for ſhelter to the game, which could not otherwiſe ſubſiſt upon your naked downs! In vain did I furniſh your houſeleſs ſides, and fill your hungry bellies with the good things of Ja⯑pan! In vain did I expend the trea⯑ſures of my empire for thy meliora⯑tion and defence! In vain did I incur the execrations of my people, if I muſt now loſe thee for ever; if thou muſt now fall into the hands of an inſolent alien, who has no affection [153] for thy ſoil, and no regard for thy intereſt! O Quamba-cun-dono! Quamba-cun-dono! how haſt thou diſappointed my hope! I thought thou waſt too ponderous to flinch; that thou wouldſt have ſtood thy ground fixed as the temple of Fak⯑kubaſi, and larded the lean earth with thy carcaſe, rather than leave my farm uncovered: but, alas! thou haſt fled before the enemy like a par⯑tridge on the mountains; and ſuf⯑fered thyſelf at laſt to be taken in a ſnare like a fooliſh dotterel!"’

The Cuboy, who overheard this exclamation, attempted to comfort him through the key-hole. He ſoothed, and whined, and wheed⯑led, and laughed and wept all in a breath. He exhorted the illuſ⯑trious Got-hama-baba to bear this misfortune with his wonted greatneſs of mind.—He offered to preſent his Imperial majeſty with lands in Japan [154] that ſhould be equal in value to the farm he had loſt: or, if that ſhould not be agreeable, to make good at the peace, all the damage that ſhould be done to it by the enemy. Finally. he curſed the farm, as the cauſe of his maſter's chagrin, and fairly wiſh⯑ed it at the devil.—Here he was ſuddenly interrupted with a ‘"Bub-ub-ub-boh! my lord Cuboy, your grace talks like an apothecary.—Go home to your own palace, and direct your cooks; and may your bonzes kiſs your a—to your heart's con⯑tent.—I ſwear by the horns of the Moon and the hoofs of the White Horſe, that my foot ſhall not touch your poſteriors theſe three days."’—Fika-kaka, having received this ſevere check, craved pardon in a whimper⯑ing tone, for the liberty he had taken, and retired to conſult with Mura-clami, who adviſed him to ſummon orator Taycho to his aſſiſt⯑ance.

[155] This mob-driver being made ac⯑quainted with the paſſion of the Dairo, and the cauſe of his diſtreſs, readily undertook to make ſuch a ſpeech through the key-hole, as ſhould effectually diſpel the empe⯑ror's deſpondence; and to this en⯑terprize he was encouraged by the hyperbolical praiſes of Mura-clami, who exhauſted all the tropes of his own rhetoric in extolling the elo⯑quence of Taycho.—This triumvi⯑rate immediately adjourned to the door of the apartment in which Got-hama-baba was ſeqeſtered, where the orator kneeling upon a cuſhion, with his mouth applied to the key-hole, opened the ſluices of his elo⯑cution to this effect:

‘"Moſt gracious!" "Bo, bo, boh!"—"Moſt illuſtrious!" "Bo, boh!"—"Moſt invincible Got-hama-baba!"—"Boh!"—"When the ſun, that glorious luminary is obſcured, by [156] envious clouds, all nature ſaddens, and ſeems to ſympathize with his ap⯑parent diſtreſs.—Your Imperial ma⯑jeſty is the ſun of our hemiſphere, whoſe ſplendour illuminates our throne; and whoſe genial warmth enlivens our hearts; and ſhall we your ſubjects, your ſlaves, the crea⯑tures of your nod—ſhall we unmoved behold your ever-glorious effulgence overcaſt? No! while the vital ſtream bedews our veins, while our ſouls retain the faculty of reaſon, and our tongues the power of ſpeech, we ſhall not ceaſe to embalm your ſor⯑row with our tears; we ſhall not ceaſe to pour the overflowings of our affection—our filial tenderneſs, which will always be reciprocal with your parental care: theſe are the in⯑exhauſtible ſources of the nation's happineſs. They may be com⯑pared to the rivers Jodo and Jodo⯑gava, which derive their common [157] origin from the vaſt lake of Ami. The one winds its ſilent courſe, calm, clear, and majeſtic, reflecting the groves and palaces that adorn its banks, and fertilizing the delightful country through which it runs: the other guſhes impetuous through a rugged channel and leſs fertile ſoil; yet ſerves to beautify a number of wild romantic ſcenes; to fill an hun⯑dred aqueducts, and to turn a thou⯑ſand mills: at length, they join their ſtreams below the imperial city of Meaco, and form a mighty flood devolving to the bay of Oſaca, bearing on its ſpacious boſom, the riches of Japan."’—Here the orator pauſed for breath:—the Cuboy clap⯑ped him on the back, whiſpering, ‘"Super-excellent! O charming ſimile! Another ſuch will ſink the Dairo's grief to the bottom of the ſea; and his heart will float like a blown bladder upon [158] the waves of Kugava."’ Mura-clami was not ſilent in his praiſe, while he ſqueezed an orange between the lips of Taycho; and Got-hama-baba ſeemed all attention: at length the orator reſumed his ſubject:—"Think not, auguſt emperor, that the cauſe of your diſquiet is un⯑known, or unlamented by your weeping ſervants. We have not only perceived your eclipſe, but diſcovered the invidious body by whoſe interpoſition that eclipſe is effected. The rapacious arms of the hoſtile Chineſe have ſeized the farm of Yeſſo!—‘"Oh, oh, oh!"’—that farm ſo cheriſhed by your Imperial favour; that farm which, in the north of Tartary, ſhone like a jewel in an Aethiop's ear;—yes, that jewel hath been ſnatched by the ſavage hand of a Chineſe free booter:—but, dry your tears, my prince; that jewel ſhall detect his theft, and light us to re⯑venge. [159] It ſhall become a rock to cruſh him in his retreat;—a net of iron to entangle his ſteps; a fallen trunk over which his feet ſhall ſtumble. It ſhall hang like a weight about his neck, and ſink him to the loweſt gulph of perdition.—Be comforted, then, my liege! your farm is rooted to the center; it can neither be concealed nor removed. Nay, ſhould he hide it at the bot⯑tom of the ocean; or place it among the conſtellations in the heavens; your faithful Taycho would fiſh it up intire, or tear it headlong from the ſtarry firmament.—We will re⯑trieve the farm of Yeſſo—‘"But, how, how, how, dear orator Taycho?"’ ‘"The empire of Japan ſhall be mort⯑gaged for the ſake of that precious—that ſacred ſpot, which produced the patriarch apoſtle Bupo, and re⯑ſounded under the hoofs of the holy ſteed.—Your people of Japan ſhall [160] chant the litany of Fakkubaſi.—They ſhall inſtitute cruſades for the reco⯑very of the farm; they ſhall pour their treaſury at your imperial feet;—they ſhall clamour for impoſition;—they ſhall load themſelves with ten⯑fold burthens, deſolate their country, and beggar their poſterity in behalf of Yeſſo. With theſe funds I could undertake even to overturn the councils of Pekin.—While the Tartar princes deal in the trade of blood, there will be no want of hands to cut away thoſe noxious weeds which have taken root in the farm of Yeſſo; thoſe vermin that have preyed upon her delightful bloſſoms! Amidſt ſuch a variety of remedies, there can be no difficulty in chooſ⯑ing.—Like a weary traveller, I will break a bough from the firſt pine that preſents, and bruſh away thoſe troubleſome inſects that gnaw the fruits of Yeſſo.—Should not the mer⯑cenary [161] bands of Tartary ſuffice to repal thoſe inſolent invaders; I will engage to chain this iſland to the continent; to build a bridge from ſhore to ſhore, that ſhall afford a paſſage more free and ample than the road to Hell. Through this avenue I will ride the mighty beaſt whoſe name is Legion.—I have ſtu⯑died the art of war, my Liege:—I had once the honour to ſerve my country as Lance-preſado in the militia of Niphon.—I will unpeople theſe realms, and overſpread the land of Yeſſo with the forces of Japan."’

Got-hama-baba could no longer reſiſt the energy of ſuch expreſſions. He flew to the door of his cabi⯑net, and embraced the orator in a tranſport of joy; while Fika-kaka fell upon his neck and wept aloud; and Mura-clami kiſſed the hem of his garment.

[162] You muſt know, Peacock, I had by this time changed my ſituation. I was diſcharged in the perſpiratory vapour from the perinaeum of the Cuboy, and ſucked into the lungs of Mura-clami, through which I pervaded into the courſe of the cir⯑culation, and viſited every part of his compoſition. I found the brain ſo full and compact, that there was not room for another particle of matter. But inſtead of a heart, he had a membranous ſac, or hollow viſcus, cold and callous, the habi⯑tation of ſneaking caution, ſervile flattery, griping avarice, creeping malice, and treacherous deceit. Among theſe tenants it was my fate to dwell; and there I diſcovered the motives by which the lawyer's con⯑duct was influenced. He now ſe⯑cretly rejoiced at the preſumption of Taycho, which he hoped had already prompted him to undertake [163] more than he could perform; in which caſe he would infallibly in⯑cur diſgrace either with the Dairo or the people. It is not impoſſible but this hope might have been re⯑alized, had not fortune unexpectedly interpoſed, and operated as an aux⯑illiary to the orator's preſumption. Succeſs began to dawn upon the arms of Japan in the iſland of Fatſiſio; and towards the end of the campaign, Brut-an-tiffi obtained two petty advantages in Tartary againſt one body of Chineſe, and an⯑other of the Oſtrog. All theſe were magnified into aſtoniſhing victories, and aſcribed to the wiſdom and courage of Taycho, becauſe during his miniſtry they were obtained; though he neither knew why, nor wherefore; and was in this reſpect as innocent as his maſter Got-hama-baba, and his colleague Fika-kaka. He had penetration enough to per⯑ceive, [164] however, that theſe events had intoxicated the rabble, and began to pervert their ideas. Succeſs of any kind is apt to perturb the weak brain of a Japoneſe; but the ac⯑quiſition of any military trophy, produces an actual delirium.—The ſtreets of Meaco were filled with the multitudes who ſhouted, whooped, and hollowed. They made proceſ⯑ſions with flags and banners; they illuminated their houſes; they extolled Ian-on-i, a provincial captain of Fatſi⯑ſio, who had by accident repulſed a bo⯑dy of the enemy, and reduced an old barn which they had fortified. They magnified Brut-an-tiffi; they deified orator Taycho; they drank, they damned, they ſquabbled, and acted a thouſand extravagancies which I ſhall not pretend to enumerate or particularize. Taycho, who knew their trim, ſeized this opportunity to ſtrike while the iron was hot. [165] —He forthwith mounted an old tub, which was his public roſtrum, and waving his hand in an oratorial attitude, was immediately ſurround⯑ed with the thronging popoulace.—I have already given you a ſpeci⯑men of his manner, and therefore ſhall not repeat the tropes and figures of his harangue: but only ſketch out the plan of his addreſs, and ſpecify the chain of his argument alone. He aſſailed them in the way of pa⯑radox, which never fails to produce a wonderful effect upon a heated ima⯑gination and a ſhallow underſtanding. Having, in his exordium, artfully faſcinated their faculties, like a jug⯑gler in Bartholomew-fair, by means of an aſſemblage of words without meaning or import; he proceeded to demonſtrate, that a wiſe and good man ought to diſcard his maxims the moment he finds they are cer⯑tainly eſtabliſhed on the foundation [166] of eternal truth. That the people of Japan ought to preſerve the farm of Yeſſo, as the apple of their eye, becauſe nature had disjoined it from their empire; and the maintenance of it would involve them in all the quarrels of Tartary: that it was to be preſerved at all hazards, be⯑cauſe it was not worth preſerving: that all the power and opulence of Japan ought to be exerted and em⯑ployed in its defence, becauſe, by the nature of irs ſituation, it could not poſſibly be defended: that Brut⯑an-tiffi was the great protector of the religion of the Bonzas, becauſe he had never ſhewn the leaſt regard to any religion at all: that he was the faſt friend of Japan, becauſe he had more than once acted as a ran⯑corous enemy to this empire, and never let ſlip the leaſt opportunity of expreſſing his contempt for the ſubjects of Niphon: that he was an [167] invincible hero, becauſe he had been thrice beaten, and once compelled to raiſe a ſiege in the courſe of two campaigns: that he was a prince of conſummate honour, becauſe he had in the time of profound peace, uſurp⯑ed the dominions and ravaged the countries of his neighbours, in de⯑fiance of common honeſty; in vio⯑lation of the moſt ſolemn treaties: that he was the moſt honourable and important ally that the empire of Japan could chooſe, becauſe his alliance was to be purchaſed with an enormous annual tribute, for which he was bound to perform no earthly office of friendſhip or aſſiſtance; be⯑cauſe connexion with him effectually deprived Japan of the friendſhip of all the other princes and ſtates of Tartary; and the utmoſt exertion of his power could never conduce, in the ſmalleſt degree, to the intereſt or advantage of the Japoneſe empire.

[168] Such were the propoſitions orator Taycho undertook to demonſtrate; and the ſucceſs juſtified his under⯑taking. After a weak mind has been duly prepared, and turned as it were, by opening a ſluice or torrent of high-ſounding words, the greater the contradiction propoſed the ſtronger impreſſion it makes, becauſe it in⯑creaſes the puzzle, and lays faſt hold on the admiration; depoſiting the ſmall proportion of reaſon with which it was before impregnated, like the vitriol acid in the copper-mines of Wicklow, into which if you im⯑merſe iron, it immediately quits the copper which it had before diſſolved, and unites with the other metal, to which it has a ſtrongerattraction.—Orator Taycho was not ſo well ſkil⯑led in logic as to amuſe his audience with definitions of concrete and ab⯑ſtract terms; or expatiate upon the genus and the difference; or ſtate [169] propoſitions by the ſubject, the pre⯑dicate, and the copula; or form ſyl⯑logiſms by mood and figure: but he was perfectly well acquainted with all the equivocal or ſynonimous words in his own language, and could ring the changes on them with great dex⯑terity. He knew perfectly well how to expreſs the ſame ideas by words that literally implied oppoſition:—for example, a valuable conqueſt or an invaluable conqueſt; a ſhameful raſcal or a ſhameful villain; a hard head or a ſoft head; a large con⯑ſcience or no conſcience; immenſely great or immenſely little; damned high or damned low; damned bit⯑ter, damned ſweet; damned ſevere, damned inſipid; and damned ful⯑ſome. He knew how to invert the ſenſe of words by changing the manner of pronunciation; e. g. ‘"You are a very pretty fellow!"’ to ſignify, ‘"You are a very dirty ſcoundrel."—’ [170] ‘"You have always ſpoke reſpectfully of the higher powers!"’ to expreſs, ‘"You have often inſulted your bet⯑ters, and even your ſovereign!"’ ‘"You have never turned tail to the principles you profeſſed!"’ to declare, ‘"You have acted the part of an in⯑famous apoſtate."’ He was well aware that words alter their ſignifi⯑cation according to the circum⯑ſtances of times, cuſtoms, and the difference of opinion. Thus the name of Jack, who uſed to turn the ſpit and pull off his maſter's boots, was transferred to an iron machine and a wooden inſtrument now ſub⯑ſtituted for theſe purpoſes: thus a ſtand for the tea-kettle, acquired the name of Footman; and the words Canon and Ordinance, ſignifying ori⯑ginally a rule or law, was extend⯑ed to a piece of artillery, which is counted the ultima lex, or ultima ratio regum.—In the ſame manner the [171] words infidel, hereſy, good man, and political orthodoxy, imply very different ſignifications, among different claſſes of people. A Muſ⯑ſulman is an infidel at Rome, and a Chriſtian is diſtinguiſhed as an un⯑believer at Conſtantinople. A Pa⯑piſt by Proteſtantiſm underſtands hereſy; to a Turk, the ſame idea is conveyed by the ſect of Ali. The term good man, at Edinburgh, implies fanaticiſm; upon the Exchange of London it ſignifies caſh; and in the general acceptation, benevolence. Political orthodoxy has different, nay oppoſite definitions, at different places in the ſame kingdom; at O—and C—; at the Cocoa-tree in Pall⯑mall; and at Garraway's in Ex⯑change-alley. Our orator was well acquainted with all the legerdemain of his own language, as well as with the nature of the beaſt he had to rule. He knew when to diſtract its [172] weak brain with a tumult of incon⯑gruous and contradictory ideas: he knew when to overwhelm its feeble faculty of thinking, by pouring in a torrent of words without any ideas annexed. Theſe throng in like city⯑milliners to a Mile-end aſſembly, while it happens to be under the di⯑rection of a conductor without ſtrength and authority. Thoſe that have ideas annexed may be compared to the females provided with partners, which, though they may croud the place, do not abſolutely deſtroy all regulation and decorum. But thoſe that are uncoupled, preſs in promiſ⯑cuouſly with ſuch impetuoſity and in ſuch numbers, that the puny maſter of the ceremonies is unable to with⯑ſtand the irruption; far leſs, to diſ⯑tinguiſh their quality, or accommo⯑date them with partners: thus they fall into the dance without order, and immediately anarchy enſues. [173] Taycho having kept the monſter's brain on a ſimmer, until, like the cow-heel in Don Quixote, it ſeemed to cry, Comenme, comenme; Come, eat me, come, eat me; then told them in plain terms, that it was ex⯑pedient they ſhould part with their wives and their children, their ſouls and their bodies, their ſubſtance and their ſenſes, their blood and their ſuet, in order to defend the indefen⯑ſible farm of Yeſſo, and to ſupport Brut-an-tiffi, their inſupportable ally.—The hydra, rolling itſelf in the duſt, turned up its huge unwieldy paunch and wagged its forky tail; then licked the feet of Taycho, and through all its hoarſe diſcordant throats, began to bray applauſe. The Dairo rejoiced in his ſucceſs, the firſt-fruits of which conſiſted in their agreeing to maintain an army of twenty thouſand Tartar mercenaries, who were reinforced by the flower of [174] the national troops of Japan, ſent over to defend the farm of Yeſſo; and in their conſenting to prolong the annual tribute granted to Brut-an-tiffi, who, in return for this con⯑deſcenſion, accommodated the Dairo with one of his free-booting captains to command the Yeſſite army. This new general had ſeen ſome ſervice, and was counted a good officer: but it was not ſo much on account of his military character that he ob⯑tained this command, as for his dexterity in prolonging the war; his ſkill in exerciſing all the diffe⯑rent arts of peculation; and his at⯑tachment to Brut-an-tiffi, with whom he had agreed to co-operate in milk⯑ing the Japoneſe cow. This plan they executed with ſuch effect, as could not poſſibly reſult from addreſs alone, unaſſiſted by the infatuation of thoſe whom they pillaged. Every article of contingent expence for [175] draught-horſes, waggons, poſtage, forage, proviſion, and ſecret ſervice, was ſwelled to ſuch a degree as did violence to common ſenſe as well as to common honeſty. The general had a fellow-feeling with all the con⯑tractors in the army, who were con⯑nected with him in ſuch a manner as ſeemed to preclude all poſſibility of detection. In vain ſome of the Japoneſe officers endeavoured to pry into this myſterious commerce; in vain inſpectors were appointed by the government of Japan. The firſt were removed on different pretences: the laſt were encountered by ſuch diſ⯑graces and diſcouragements, as in a little time compelled them to reſign the office they had undertaken. In a word, there was not a private mer⯑cenary Tartar ſoldier in this army who did not coſt the empire of Ja⯑pan as much as any ſubaltern officer of its own; and the annual charge of [176] this continental war, undertaken for the protection of the farm of Yeſſo, exceeded the whole expence of any former war which Japan had ever maintained on its own account ſince the beginning of the empire: nay, it was attended with one cir⯑cumſtance which rendered it ſtill more inſupportable. The money ex⯑pended in armaments and operations, equipped and proſecuted on the ſide of Japan, was all circulated with⯑in the empire; ſo that it ſtill remain⯑ed uſeful to the community in ge⯑neral; but no inſtance could be pro⯑duced, of a ſingle copan that ever returned from the continent of Tar⯑tary; therefore all the ſums ſent thither, were clear loſs to the ſub⯑jects of Japan. Orator Taycho acted as a faithful ally to Brut-an-tiffi, by ſtretching the baſs-ſtrings of the mobile in ſuch a manner, as to be always in concert with the extrava⯑gance [177] of the Tartar's demands, and the abſurdity of the Dairo's predilection. Fika-kaka was aſtoniſhed at theſe phaenomena; while Mura-clami hop⯑ed in ſecret, that the orator's brain was diſordered; and that his inſanity would ſoon ſtand confeſſed, even to the conviction of the people.—‘"If, (ſaid he to himſelf) they are not altogether deſtitute of human reaſon, they muſt, of their own accord, per⯑ceive and comprehend this plain pro⯑poſition: A caſk of water that diſ⯑charges three by one pipe, and re⯑ceives no more than two by another, muſt infallibly be emptied at the long-run. Japan diſcharges three millions of obans every year for the defence of that bleſſed farm, which, were it put up to ſale, would not fetch one ſixth part of the ſum; and the annual ballance of her trade with all the world brings in two millions: ergo, it runs out faſter than it runs [178] in, and the veſſel at the long-run muſt be empty."’ Mura-clami was miſtaken. He had ſtudied philoſo⯑phy only in profile. He had endea⯑voured to inveſtigate the ſenſe, but he had never fathomed the abſurdi⯑ties of human nature. All that Tay⯑cho had done for Yeſſo, amounted not to one-third of what was required for the annual expence of Japan while it maintained the war againſt China in different quar⯑ters of Aſia. A former Cuboy, (reſt his ſoul!) finding it impoſſible to raiſe within the year the exorbitant ſup⯑plies that were required to gratify the avarice and ambition of the Dai⯑ro, had contrived the method of funding, which hath been lately adopted with ſuch remarkable ſuc⯑ceſs in this kingdom. You know, Peacock, this is no more than borrowing a certain ſum on the credit of the nation, and laying a [179] freſh tax upon the public, to defray the intereſt of every ſum thus borrowed; an excellent expedient, when kept within due bounds, for ſecuring the eſtabliſhed government, multiplying the dependants of the m—ry, and throwing all the money of the empire into the hands of the adminiſtration. But thoſe loans were ſo often repeated, that the national debt had already ſwelled to an enor⯑mous burthen; ſuch a variety of taxes was laid upon the ſubject, as grievouſly inhanced all the neceſſa⯑ries of life; conſequently the poor were diſtreſſed, and the price of la⯑bour was raiſed to ſuch a degree, that the Japoneſe manufactures were every-where underſold by the Chi⯑neſe traders, who employed their workmen at a more moderate ex⯑pence. Taycho, in this dilemma, was ſeized with a ſtrange conceit. Alchemy was at that period become a fa⯑vourite [180] ſtudy in Japan. Some bonzas having more learning and avarice than their brethren, applied them⯑ſelves to the ſtudy of certain Chal⯑dean manuſcripts, which their anceſ⯑tors had brought from Aſſyria; and in theſe they found the ſubſtance of all that is contained in the works of Hermes Triſmegiſtus, Geber, Zoſymus, the Panapolite, Olympio⯑dorus, Heliodorus, Agathodaemon, Morienus, Albertus Magnus, and, above all, your countryman Roger Bacon, who adopted Geber's opinion, that mercury is the common baſis, and ſulphur the cement of all me⯑tals. By the bye, this ſame friar Bacon was well acquainted with the compoſition of gun-powder, though the reputation ariſing from the diſcovery, has been given to Swartz, who lived many years af⯑ter that monk of Weſtminſter. Whether the Philoſopher's ſtone, [181] otherwiſe called the Gift Azoth, the fifth Eſſence, or the alkaheſt; which laſt Van Helmont pilfered from the tenth book of the Archi⯑doxa, that treaſure ſo long depo⯑ſited in the occiput of the renown⯑ed Aureolus, Philippus, Paracelſus, Theophraſtus, Bombaſt, de Hohen⯑heim; was ever really attained by human adept, I am not at liberty to diſcloſe; but certain it is, the phi⯑loſophers and alchemiſts of Japan, employed by orator Taycho to tranſ⯑mute baſer metals into gold, miſcar⯑ried in all their experiments. The whole evaporated in ſmoke, without leaving ſo much as the ſcrapings of a crucible for a ſpecific againſt the itch. Tickets made of a kind of bamboo, had been long uſed to rein⯑force the circulation of Japan; but theſe were of no uſe in Tartary: the mercenaries and allies of that coun⯑try would receive nothing but gold [182] and ſilver, which, indeed, one would imagine they had a particular me⯑thod of decompoſing or annihilat⯑ing; for, of all the millions tranſ⯑ported thither, not one copan was ever known to reviſit Japan. ‘"It was a country (as Hamlet ſays) from whoſe bourn no travelling copan e'er re⯑turned."’ As the war of Yeſſo, there⯑fore, engroſſed all the ſpecie of Ni⯑phon, and ſome currency was abſo⯑lutely neceſſary to the ſubſiſtence of the Japoneſe, the orator contrived a method to ſave the expence of ſolid food. He compoſed a meſs that ſhould fill their bellies, and, at the ſame time, protract the intoxication of their brains, which it was ſo much his intereſt to maintain.—He put them upon a diet of yeaſt; where this did not agree with the ſto⯑mach, he employed his emiſſaries to blow up the patients à poſteriori, as the dog was blown up by the madman of Seville, recorded by Cer⯑vantes. [183] The individuals thus inflat⯑ed were ſeen ſwaggering about the ſtreets, ſmooth and round, and ſleek and jolly, with leering eyes and flo⯑rid complexion. Every one ſeemed to have the os magna ſonaturum. He ſtrutted with an air of impor⯑tance. He broke wind, and broach⯑ed new ſyſtems. He declared as if by revelation, that the more debt the public owed, the richer it be⯑came; that food was not neceſſary to the ſupport of life; nor an in⯑tercourſe of the ſexes required for the propagation of the ſpecies. He ex⯑patiated on yeaſt, as the nectar of the gods, that would ſuſtain the animal machine, fill the human mind with divine inſpiration, and confer im⯑mortality. From the efficacy of this ſpecific, he began to propheſy con⯑cerning the White Horſe, and de⯑clared himſelf an apoſtle of Bupo.—Thus they ſtrolled through the [184] iſland of Niphon, barking and preach⯑ing the goſpel of Fakku-baſi, and pre⯑ſenting their barm goblets to all who were in queſt of political ſalvation. The people had been ſo well prepared for infatuation, by the ſpeeches of Tay⯑cho, and the tidings of ſucceſs from Tartary, that every paſſenger greedi⯑ly ſwallowed the drench, and in a little time the whole nation was con⯑verted; that is, they were totally freed from thoſe troubleſome and im⯑pertinent faculties of reaſon and re⯑flection, which could have ſerved no other purpoſe but to make them mi⯑ſerable under the burthens to which their backs were now ſubjected. They offered up all their gold and ſilver, their jewels, their furniture and apparel, at the ſhrine of Fakku⯑baſi, ſinging pſalms and hymns in praiſe of the White Horſe. They put arms into the hands of their chil⯑dren, and drove them into Tartary, [185] in order to fatten the land of Yeſſo with their blood. They grew fana⯑tics in that cauſe, and worſhipped Brut-an-tiffi, as the favourite pro⯑phet of the beatified Bupo. All was ſtaggering, ſtaring, incoherence and contortion, exclamation and eruc⯑tation. Still this was no more than a temporary delirium, which might vaniſh as the intoxicating effects of the yeaſt ſubſided. Taycho, there⯑fore, called in two reinforcements to the drench. He reſolved to ſatiate their appetite for blood, and to amuſe their infantine vanity with the gew-gaws of triumph. He equipped out one armament at a conſiderable expence to make a deſcent on the coaſt of China, and ſent another at a much greater, to fight the enemy in Fat⯑ſiſio. The commander of the firſt diſembarked upon a deſolate iſland, demoliſhed an unfiniſhed cottage, and brought away a few bunches of [186] wild grapes. He afterwards hover⯑ed on the Chineſe coaſt; but was de⯑terred from landing by a very ſingu⯑lar phaenomenon. In ſurveying the ſhore, through ſpying-glaſſes, he per⯑ceived the whole beach inſtanta⯑neouſly fortified, as it were, with parapets of ſand, which had eſcaped the naked eye; and at one particular part, there appeared a body of gi⯑ants with very hideous features, peep⯑ing, as it were, from behind thoſe pa⯑rapets: from which circumſtances the Japoneſe general concluded there was a very formidable ambuſcade, which he thought it would be mad⯑neſs to encounter, and even folly to aſcertain. One would imagine he had ſeen Homer's account of the Cy⯑clops, and did not think himſelf ſafe, even at the diſtance of ſome miles from the ſhore; for he preſſed the commander of the Fune to weigh anchor immediately, and retire to a [187] place of more ſafety.—I ſhall now, Peacock, let you into the whole ſe⯑cret. This great officer was deceiv⯑ed by the careleſſneſs of the com⯑miſſary, who, inſtead of perſpectives, had furniſhed him with glaſſes pe⯑culiar to Japan, that magnified and multiplied objects at the ſame time. They are called Pho-beron-tia.—The large parapets of ſand were a couple of mole-hills; and the gigan⯑tic faces of grim aſpect, were the poſteriors of an old woman ſacrific⯑ing ſub dio, to the powers of digeſ⯑tion.—There was another circum⯑ſtance which tended to the miſcar⯑riage of this favourite expedition.—The principal deſign was againſt a trading town, ſituated on a navigable river; and at the place where this river diſembogued itſelf into the ſea, there was a Chineſe fort called Sa⯑rouf. The admiral of the Fune ſent the ſecond in command, whoſe name [188] was Sel-uon, to lay this fort in aſhes, that the embarkation might paſs without let or moleſtation. A Chineſe pilot offered to bring his junk within a cable-length of the walls: but he truſted to the light of his own penetration. He ran his junk aground, and ſolemnly declar⯑ed there was not water ſufficient to float any veſſel of force, within three miles of Sa-rouf. This diſcovery he had made by ſounding, and it proved two very ſurpriſing paradoxes: firſt, that the Chineſe junks drew little or no water, otherwiſe they could not have arrived at the town where they were laid up; ſecondly, that the fort Sa-rouf was raiſed in a ſpot where it neither could offend, nor be offend⯑ed. But the Sey-ſeo-gun Sel-uon was a mighty man for paradoxes. His ſuperior in command, was a plain man, who did not underſtand theſe niceties: he therefore grum⯑bled, [189] and began to be troubleſome; upon which, a council of war was held; and he being over-ruled by a majority of voices, the whole em⯑barkation returned to Niphon re in⯑fecta. You have been told how the beaſt called Legion brayed, and bel⯑lowed, and kicked, when the fate of Byn-goh's expedition was known; it was diſpoſed to be very unruly at the return of this armament: but Taycho lulled it with a double doſe of his Mandragora. It growled at the giants, the ſand-hills, and the pa⯑radoxes of Sel-uon: then brayed aloud Taycho for ever! rolled itſelf up like a lubberly hydra, yawned, and fell faſt aſleep.—The other ar⯑mament equipped for the operations in Fatſiſio, did not arrive at the place of deſtination till the opportunity for action was loſt. The object was the reduction of a town and iſland be⯑longing to the Chineſe: but before [190] the Fune with the troops arrived from Niphon, the enemy having re⯑ceived intimation of their deſign, had reinforced the garriſon and harbour with a greater number of forces and Fune than the Japoneſe commander could bring againſt them. He, there⯑fore, wiſely declined an enterprize which muſt have ended in his own diſgrace and deſtruction. The Chi⯑neſe were ſucceſsful in other parts of Fatſiſio. They demoliſhed ſome forts, they defeated ſome parties, and maſſacred ſome people, belong⯑ing to the colonies of Japan. Per⯑haps the tidings of theſe diſaſters would have rouſed the people of Ni⯑phon from the lethargy of intoxica⯑tion in which they were over⯑whelmed, had not their delirium been keept up by ſome faſcinating amulets from Tartary: theſe were no other than the bubbles which Brut-an-tiffi ſwelled into mighty [191] victories over the Chineſe and Oſtrog; though, in fact, he had been ſevere⯑ly cudgelled, and more than once in very great danger of crucifixion. Tay⯑cho preſented the monſter with a bowl of blood, which he told it this invinci⯑ble ally had drawn from its enemies the Chineſe, and, at the ſame time, blowed the gay bubbles athwart its numerous eyes. The hydra lapped the gore with ſigns of infinite re⯑liſh; groaned and grunted to ſee the bubbles dance; exclaimed, ‘"O rare Taycho!"’ and relapſed into the arms of ſlumber. Thus paſſed the firſt campaign of Taycho's adminiſ⯑tration.

By this time Fika-kaka was fully convinced that the orator actually dealt with the devil, and had even ſold him his ſoul for this power of working miracles on the underſtand⯑ing of the populace. He began to be invaded with fears, that the ſame [192] conſideration would be demanded of him for the eaſe and pleaſure he now enjoyed in partnerſhip with that ma⯑gician. He no longer heard him⯑ſelf ſcoffed, ridiculed, and reviled in the aſſemblies of the people. He no longer ſaw his meaſures thwarted, nor his perſon treated with diſdain. He no longer racked his brains for pre⯑tences to extort money; nor trem⯑bled with terror when he uſed theſe pretences to the public. The mouth of the oppoſition was now glewed to his own poſteriors. Many a time and often, when he heard orator Tycho declaiming againſt him from his roſtrum, he curſed him in his heart, and was known to ejaculate ‘"Kiſs my a—ſe, Taycho;"’ but lit⯑tle did he think the orator would one day ſtoop to this compliance. He now ſaw that inſolent foul⯑mouthed demagogue miniſtring with the utmoſt ſervility to his pleaſure [193] and ambition. He filled his bags with the treaſures of Japan, as if by inchantment; ſo that he could now gratify his own profuſe temper with⯑out ſtint or controul. He took up⯑on himſelf the whole charge of the adminiſtration; and left Fika-kaka to the full enjoyment of his own ſenſuality, thus diveſted of all its thorns. It was the contemplation of theſe circumſtances, which in⯑ſpired the Cuboy with a belief that the devil was concerned in produc⯑ing this aſtoniſhing calm of felicity; and that his infernal highneſs would require of him ſome extraordinary ſacrifice for the extraordinary favours he beſtowed. He could not help ſuſpecting the ſincerity of Taycho's attachment, becauſe it ſeemed alto⯑gether unnatural; and if his ſoul was to be the ſacrifice, he wiſhed to treat with Satan as a principal. Full of this idea, he had recourſe to his [194] Bonzes as the moſt likely perſons to procure him ſuch an interview with the prince of darkneſs, as ſhould not be attended with immediate dan⯑ger to his corporeal parts: but, up⯑on enquiry, he found there was not one conjurer among them all. Some of them made a merit of their igno⯑rance; pretending they could not in conſcience give application to an art which muſt have led them into communication with demons: others inſiſted there was no ſuch thing as the devil; and this opinion ſeemed to be much reliſhed by the Cu⯑boy: the reſt frankly owned they knew nothing at all of the matter. For my part, Peacock, I not only know there is a devil, but I likewiſe know that he has marked out nine⯑teen twentieths of the people of this metropolis for his prey.—How now! You ſhake, ſirrah!—You have ſome reaſon, conſidering the experi⯑ments [195] you have been trying in the way of ſorcery; turning the ſieve and ſheers; mumbling gibberiſh over a gooſe's liver ſtuck with pins; prick⯑ing your thumbs, and writing myſti⯑cal characters with your blood; forming ſpells with ſticks laid acroſs; reading prayers backwards; and in⯑voking the devil by the name, ſtyle, and title of Sathan, Abraſax Adonai. I know what communication you had with goody Thruſk at Camber⯑well, who undertook for three ſhil⯑lings and four-pence to convey you on a broomſtick to Norway, where the devil was to hold a conventicle; but you boggled at croſſing the ſea, with⯑out ſuch ſecurity for your perſon as the beldame could not give. I re⯑member your poring over the treatiſe De volucri arborea, until you had well-nigh loſt your wits; and your intention to enrol yourſelf in the Roſicruſian ſociety, until your in⯑trigue [196] with the tripe-woman in Thieving-lane deſtroyed your pre⯑tenſions to chaſtity. Then you cloak⯑ed your own wickedneſs with an af⯑fectation of ſcepticiſm, and declared there never was any ſuch exiſtence as devil, demon, ſpirit, or goblin; nor any ſuch art as magic, necromancy, ſorcery, or witchcraft.—O infidel! haſt thou never heard of the three diviſions of magic into natural, arti⯑ficial, and diabolical? The firſt of theſe is no more than medicine; hence the ſame word Pharmacopola ſignified both a wiſe-acre and apo⯑thecary. To the ſecond belong the glaſs ſphere of Archimedes, the fly⯑ing wooden pigeon of Archytus, the emperor Leo's ſinging birds of gold, Boetius the Conſolator's flying birds of braſs, hiſſing ſerpents of the ſame metal, and the famous ſpeaking head of Albertus Magnus. The laſt, which we call diabolical, depends upon the [197] evocation of ſpirits: ſuch was the art exerciſed by the magicians of Pha⯑raoh; as well as by that conjurer recorded by Gaſpar Peucerus, who animated the dead carcaſe of a fa⯑mous female harper in Bologna in ſuch a manner, that ſhe played upon her inſtrument as well as ever ſhe had done in her life, until another magician removing the charm, which had been placed in her arm-pits, the body fell down deprived of all mo⯑tion. It is by ſuch means that con⯑jurers cure diſtempers with charms and amulets; that, according to St. Iſi⯑dore, they confound the elements, diſturb the underſtanding, ſlay with⯑out poiſon or any perceptible wound, call up devils, and learn from them how to torment their enemies. Ma⯑gic was known even to the ancient Romans. Cato teaches us how to charm a diſlocated bone, by re⯑peating theſe myſtical words, In⯑cipe, [198] cantare in alto, S. F. motas da⯑nata dardaries, Aſtotaries, dic una pa⯑rite dum coeunt, &c. Beſides, the virtues of ABRACADABRA are well known; though the meaning of the word has puzzled ſome of the beſt critics of the laſt age; ſuch as Wendelinus, Scaliger, Saumaiſe, and father Kircher; not to mention the ancient phyſician Serenus Sammoni⯑cus, who deſcribes the diſpoſition of theſe characters in hexameter verſe. I might here launch out in⯑to a very learned diſſertation to prove that this very Serenus formed the word ABRACADABRA from the Greek word [...], a name by which Baſilides the Aegyptian here⯑tic defined the Deity, as the letters of it imply 365, the number of days in the year. This is the word ſtill fair and legible on one of the two ta⯑liſmans found in the ſeventeenth cen⯑tury, of which Baronius gives us the [199] figure in the ſecond volume of his Annals. By the bye, Peacock, you muſt take notice, that the figure of St. George encountering the dragon, which is the ſymbol of the order of the Garter, and at this day diſtin⯑guiſhes ſo many inns, taverns, and ale-houſes, in this kingdom, was no other originally than the device of an abraxas or amulet wore by the Baſilidians, as a charm againſt infec⯑tion: for, by the man on horſeback killing the dragon, was typified the ſun purifying the air, and diſperſing the noxious vapours from the earth. An abraxas marked with this device, is exhibited by Montfaucon out of the Collection of Sig. Capello. This ſymbol, improved by the croſs on the top of the ſpear, was afterwards adopted by the Chriſtian cruſards, as a badge of their religious warfare, as well as an amulet to enſure victory; the croſs alluding to Conſtantine's [200] labarum, with the motto [...], ‘"In this you ſhall conquer."’ The figure on horſeback they metamor⯑phoſed into St. George, the ſame with George the Arian, who at one time was reckoned a martyr, and maintained a place in the Roman Martyrology, from which he and others were eraſed by pope Gelaſius in the fifth century, becauſe the ac⯑counts of their martyrdom were writ⯑ten by heretics. This very George, while he officiated as biſhop of Alexandria, having ordered a temple of the god Mythras to be purified, and converted into a Chriſtian church, found in the ſaid temple this em⯑blem of the ſun, which the Perſians adored under the name of Mythras; and with the addition of the croſs, metamorphoſed it into a ſymbol of Chriſtian warfare againſt idolatry. It was on this occaſion that the Pagans roſe againſt George, and mur⯑dered [201] him with the utmoſt barbarity; and from this circumſtance he became a ſaint and martyr, and the amulet or abraxas became his badge of diſtinc⯑tion. The croſs was conſidered as ſuch a ſure protection in battle, that every ſword-hilt was made in this form, and every warrior, before he engag⯑ed, kiſſed it in token of devotion: hence the phraſe, ‘"I kiſs your hilt,"’ which is ſometimes uſed even at this day. With reſpect to the myſtical words ΑΒRΑCΑΣ, ΙΑΩ, ΔΟΩΝΑΙ, which are found upon thoſe amulets, and ſuppoſed to be of Hebrew ex⯑tract, tho' in the Greek character of termination; if thou wouldſt know their real ſignification, thou mayeſt conſult the learned De Croy, in his Treatiſe concerning the genealo⯑gies of the Gnoſtics. Thou wilt find it at the end of St. Irenaeus's works, publiſhed by Grabius at Oxford.—

[202] But, to return to magic, thou muſt have heard of the famous Albertus Magnus de Bolſtadt, who indifferent⯑ly exerciſed the profeſſions of con⯑jurer, bawd, and man-midwife; who forged the celebrated Androides, or brazen-head, which pronounced oracles, and ſolved queſtions of the utmoſt difficulty: nor can the fame of Henry Cornelius Agrippa have eſcap⯑ed thee; he, who wrote the Treatiſes De occulta Philoſophia; & de caecis Ceremoniis; who kept his demon ſe⯑cured with an inchanted iron collar, in the ſhape of a black dog; which black dog being diſmiſſed in his laſt moments with theſe words: Abi perdita beſtia quae me totum perdi⯑diſti; plunged itſelf in the river Soame, and immediately diſappear⯑ed. But what need of thoſe pro⯑fane inſtances to prove the exiſtence of magicians who held communica⯑tion [203] with the devil? Don't we read in the ſcripture of the magicians of Pharaoh and Manaſſes? of the witch of Endor; of Simon and Barjeſus, magicians; and of that ſorcereſs of whoſe body the apoſtle Paul diſpoſ⯑ſeſſed the devil? Have not the fa⯑thers mentioned magicians and ſor⯑cerers? Have not different coun⯑cils denounced anathemas againſt them? Hath not the civil law de⯑creed puniſhments to be inflicted upon thoſe convicted of the black art? Have not all the tribunals in France, England, and particularly in Scotland, condemned many perſons to the ſtake for ſorceries, on the fulleſt evidence; nay, even on their own confeſſion? Thou thyſelf mayeſt almoſt remember the havock that was made among the ſorcerers in one of the Engliſh colonies in North-America, by Dr. Encreaſe Mather, and Dr. Cotton Mather, thoſe lumi⯑naries [204] of the New-England church, under the authority and auſpices of Sir William Phipps, that flower of knighthood and mirror of gover⯑nors, who, not contented with living witneſſes, called in the aſſiſtance of ſpectral evidence, to the conviction of thoſe diabolical delinquents.—This was a hint, indeed, which he borrow⯑ed from the famous trial of Urban Grandier, canon of Loudun in France, who was duly convicted of magic, upon the depoſitions of the devils Aſtaroth, Euſas, Celſus, Acaos, Ce⯑don, Aſinodeus, Alix, Zabulon, Neph⯑thalim, Cham, Uriel, and Acbas. I might likewiſe refer thee to king James's Hiſtory of Witchcraft, wherein it appears, upon uncontro⯑vertible evidence, that the devil not only preſided in perſon at the aſſem⯑blies of thoſe wiſe women; but even condeſcended to be facetious, and of⯑ten diverted them by dancing and [205] playing gambols with a lighted candle in his breech. I might bid thee re⯑collect the authenticated account of the earl of Gowry's conſpiracy againſt the ſaid king, in which appears the depoſition of a certain perſon, certi⯑fying that the earl of Gowry had ſtudied the black art: that he wore an amulet about his perſon, of ſuch efficacy, that although he was run ſeveral times through the body, not one drop of blood flowed from the wounds until thoſe myſtical cha⯑racters were removed.—Finally, I could fill whole volumes with un⯑deniable facts to prove the exiſt⯑ence of magic: but what I have ſaid ſhall ſuffice. I muſt only re⯑peat it again, that there was not one magician, conjurer, wizard, or witch, among all the Bonzes of Ja⯑pan, whom the Cuboy conſulted: a circumſtance that aſtoniſhed him the more, as divers of them, not⯑withſtanding [206] their beards, were ſhrewdly ſuſpected to be old women; and 'till that time, an old woman with a beard upon her chin had been always conſidered as an agent of the devil.—It was the nature of Fika-kaka to be impatient and im⯑petuous. Perceiving that none of his Bonzes had any communication with the devil, and that many of them doubted whether there was any ſuch perſonage as the devil, he began to have ſome doubts about his own ſoul: ‘"For if there is no devil (ſaid he), there is no ſoul to be damned; and it would be a reproach to the juſtice of heaven to ſuppoſe that all ſouls are to be ſaved, conſi⯑dering what raſcally ſtuff man⯑kind are made of."’ This was an inference which gave him great diſ⯑turbance; for he was one of thoſe who would rather encounter eternal damnation, than run any riſque of [207] being annihilated. He therefore aſ⯑ſembled all thoſe among the Bonzes who had the reputation of being great philoſophers and metaphyſicians, in order to hear their opinions concern⯑ing the nature of the ſoul. The firſt reverend ſage who delivered him⯑ſelf on this myſterious ſubject, hav⯑ing ſtroked his grey beard, and hemmed thrice with great ſolemnity, declared that the ſoul was an ani⯑mal; a ſecond pronounced it to be the number three, or proportion; a third contended for the number ſeven, or harmony; a fourth de⯑fined the ſoul the univerſe; a fifth affirmed it was a mixture of ele⯑ments; a ſixth aſſerted it was com⯑poſed of fire; a ſeventh opined it was formed of water; an eighth called it an eſſence; a ninth, an idea; a tenth ſtickled for ſubſtance without extenſion; an eleventh, for extenſion without ſubſtance; a twelfth cried it [208] was an accident; a thirteenth called it a reflecting mirrour; a fourteenth, the image reflected; a fifteenth in⯑ſiſted upon its being a tune; a ſix⯑teenth believed it was the inſtru⯑ment that played the tune; a ſeven⯑teenth undertook to prove it was material; an eighteenth exclaimed it was immaterial; a nineteenth al⯑lowed it was ſomething; and a twen⯑tieth ſwore it was nothing.—By this time all the individuals that com⯑poſed this learned aſſembly, ſpoke together with equal eagerneſs and vociferation. The volubility with which a great number of abſtruſe and unintelligible terms and defini⯑tions were pronounced and repeated, not only reſembled the confuſion of Babel, but they had juſt the ſame effect upon the brain of Fika-kaka, as is generally produced in weak heads by looking ſtedfaſtly at a mill⯑wheel or a vortex, or any other ob⯑ject [209] in continual rotation. He grew giddy, ran three times round, and dropped down in the midſt of the Bonzes, deprived of ſenſe and motion. When he recovered ſo far as to be able to reflect upon what had happened, he was greatly diſ⯑turbed with the terror of annihila⯑tion, as he had heard nothing ſaid in the conſultation which could give him any reaſon to believe there was ſuch a thing as an immortal ſoul. In this emergency he ſent for his counſellor Mura-clami, and when that lawyer entered his chamber, ex⯑claimed, ‘"My dear Mura, as I have a ſoul to be ſaved!—A ſoul to be ſa⯑ved!—ay, there's the rub!—the de⯑vil a ſoul have I!—Thoſe Bonzes are good for nothing but to kiſs my a—ſe;—a parcel of ignorant aſſes!—Pox on their philoſophy! Inſtead of demonſtrating the immor⯑tality of the ſoul, they have plainly [210] proved the ſoul is a chimaera, a will o' the wiſp, a bubble, a term, a word, a nothing!—My dear Mura! prove but that I have a ſoul, and I ſhall be contented to be damned to all eter⯑nity!"—"If that be the caſe, (ſaid the other) your Quambucuſhip may ſet your heart at reſt: for, if you proceed to govern this empire, in con⯑junction with Taycho, as you have begun, it will become a point of eternal juſtice to give you an immor⯑tal ſoul (if you have not one already) that you may undergo eternal puniſh⯑ment, according to your demerits."’ The Cuboy was much comforted by this aſſurance, and returned to his for⯑mer occupations with redoubled ar⯑dour. He continued to confer be⯑nefices on his back-friends the Bonzes; to regulate the whole army of tax⯑gatherers; to bribe the tribunes, the centurions, the decuriones, and all the inferior mob-drivers of the [211] empire; to hire thoſe pipers who were beſt ſkilled in making the mul⯑titude dance, and find out the ableſt artiſts to ſcratch their long ears, and tickle their noſes. Theſe toils were ſweetened by a variety of enjoyments. He poſſeſſed all the pomp of often⯑tation; the vanity of levees, the pride of power, the pleaſure of adu⯑lation, the happineſs of being kick⯑ed by his ſovereign and kiſſed by his Bonzes; and, above all, the delights of the ſtomach and the cloſe-ſtool, which recurred in perpetual ſucceſſion, and which he ſeemed to enjoy with a par⯑ticular reliſh: for, it muſt be obſer⯑ved, to the honour of Fika-kaka, that what he eagerly received at one end, he as liberally refunded at the other. But as the faculties of his mind were inſufficient to digeſt the great meſs of power which had fal⯑len to his ſhare, ſo were the organs of his body unable to concoct the [212] enormous maſs of aliments which he ſo greedily ſwallowed. He laboured under an indigeſtion of both; and the vague promiſes which went upwards, as well as the murmurs that paſſed the other way, were no other than eruptive crudities ariſing from the defects of his ſoul and body.

As for Taycho, he confined himſelf to the management of the war. He recalled the general in chief from Fatſiſio, becauſe he had not done that which he could not poſſibly do: but, inſtead of ſending another on whoſe abilities he could depend, he allowed the direction of the armaments to devolve upon the ſecond in com⯑mand, whoſe character he could not poſſibly know; becauſe, indeed, he was too obſcure to have any charac⯑ter at all. The fruits of his ſagacity ſoon appeared. The new general Abra-moria, having reconnoitred a poſt of the enemy, which was found [213] too ſtrong to be forced, attacked it without heſitation, and his troops were repulſed and routed with con⯑ſiderable ſlaughter. It was lucky for Taycho that the tidings of this diſaſter were qualified by the news of two other advantages which the arms of Japan had gained.—A ſepa⯑rate corps of troops, under Yaf-frai and Ya-loff, reduced a ſtrong Chineſe fortreſs in the neighbourhood of Fatſiſio; and a body of Japoneſe, headed by a factor called Ka-liff, obtained a conſiderable victory at Fla-ſao, in the farther extremity of Tartary, where a trading company of Meaco poſſeſſed a commercial ſettlement. The Hydra of Meaco began to ſhake its numerous heads and growl, when it heard of Abra⯑moria's defeat. At that inſtant, one of its leaders exclaimed, ‘"Bleſs thy long ears! It was not Taycho that recommended Abra-moria to this [214] command. He was appointed by the Fatz-man."’ This was true. It was likewiſe true, that Taycho had allowed him quietly to ſucceed to the command, without knowing any thing of his abilities;—it was equally true, that Taycho was an ut⯑ter ſtranger to Yaf-frai and Ya-loff, who took the fortreſs, as well as to the factor Ka-liff, who obtained the victory at the farther end of Tar⯑tary.—Nevertheleſs, the beaſt cried aloud, "Hang Abra-moria! and a fig for the Fatz-man. But let the praiſe of Taycho be magnified! It was Taycho that ſubdued the for⯑treſs in the Iſle Ka-frit-o. It was Taycho that defeated the enemy at Fla-ſao.—Yaf-frai has ſlain his thou⯑ſands;—Ya-loff has ſlain his five thouſands;—but Taycho had ſlain his ten thouſands.

Taycho had credit not only for the ſucceſs of the Japoneſe arms, but like⯑wiſe [215] for the victories of Brut-an-tiffi, who had lately been much beholden to fortune. I have already obſerved what a noiſe that Tartar made when the Fatz-man of Japan found himſelf obliged to capitulate with the Chi⯑neſe general. In conſequence of that event, the war was already at an end with reſpect to the Japoneſe, on the continent of Tartary. The emperor of China took poſſeſſion of the farm of Yeſſo; the peaſants quietly ſubmit⯑ted to their new maſters; and thoſe very free-booting Tartar chiefs, who had ſold their ſubjects as ſoldiers to ſerve under the Fatz-man, had al⯑ready agreed to ſend the very ſame mercenaries into the army of China. It was at this juncture that Brut-an-tiffi exalted his throat. In the pre⯑ceding campaign he had fought with various ſucceſs. One of his gene⯑rals had given battle to the Mant⯑choux Tartars, and each ſide claimed [216] the victory Another of his leaders had been defeated and taken by the Oſtrog. The Chineſe had already advanced to the frontiers of Brut-an⯑tiffi's dominions. In this dilemma he exerted himſelf with equal acti⯑vity and addreſs: he repulſed the Chineſe army with conſiderable loſs; and in the ſpace of one month after this action, gained a victory over the general of the Oſtrog. Theſe ad⯑vantages rendered him inſufferably arrogant. He exclaimed againſt the Fatz-man; he threatened the Dairo; and, as I have taken notice above, a new army was raiſed at the expence of Japan, to defend him from all future invaſions of the Chineſe. Already the Tartar general Bron-xi-tic, who was veſted at his deſire with the command of the mercenary army of Japan, had given a ſevere check to a ſtrong body of the Chineſe, and even threatened to carry the war into the empire of [217] China; but his progreſs was ſoon ſtopt, and he was forced to retreat in his turn towards the farm of Yeſ⯑ſo.—But from nothing did orator Taycho reap a fuller harveſt of praiſe, than from the conqueſt of Tzin-khall, a ſettlement of the Chi⯑neſe on the coaſt of Terra Auſtralis; which conqueſt was planned by a Banyan merchant of Meaco, who had traded on that coaſt, and was particularly known to the king of the country. This royal ſavage was uneaſy at the neighbourhood of the Chineſe, and conjured the merchant, whoſe name was Thum-Khumm-qua, to uſe his influence at the court of Meaco, that an armament ſhould be equipped againſt the ſettlement of Tzin-khall, he himſelf ſolemnly pro⯑miſing to co-operate in the reduction of it with all his forces.—Thum-Khumm-qua, whoſe zeal for the good of his country got the better of all his [218] prudential maxims, did not fail to re⯑preſent this object in the moſt inte⯑reſting points of view. He demon⯑ſtrated to Taycho the importance of the ſettlement; that it abounded with ſlaves, ivory, gold, and a pre⯑cious gum which was not to be found in any other part of the world; a gum in great requeſt all over Aſia, and particularly among the Japo⯑neſe, who were obliged to purchaſe it in time of war at ſecond-hand from their enemies the Chineſe, at an exorbitant price. He demonſtrated that the loſs of this ſettlement would be a terrible wound to the emperor of China; and proved that the con⯑queſt of it could be atchieved at a very trifling expence. He did more. Tho' by the maxims of his ſect he was reſtrained from engaging in any military enterprize, he offered to conduct the armament in perſon, in order the more effectually to keep [219] the king of the country ſteady to his engagements. Though the ſcheme was in itſelf plauſible and practi⯑cable, Mr. orator Taycho ſhuffled and equivocated until the ſeaſon for action was paſt. But Thum-Khumm-qua was indefatigable. He exhorted, he preſſed, he remon⯑ſtrated, he complained; and beſieged the orator's houſe in ſuch a man⯑ner, that Taycho at length, in or⯑der to be rid of his importunity, granted his requeſt. A ſmall arma⯑ment was fitted out; the Banyan em⯑barked in it, leaving his own private affairs in confuſion; and the ſettle⯑ment was reduced according to his prediction. When the news of this conqueſt arrived at Meaco, the multi⯑farious beaſt brayed hoarſe applauſe, and the miniſter Taycho was magni⯑fied exceedingly. As for Thum-Khumm-qua, whoſe private fortune was conſumed in the expedition, all [220] the recompence he received, was the conſciouſneſs of having ſerved his country. In vain he reminded Tay⯑cho of his promiſes; in vain he re⯑cited the miniſter's own letters, in which he had given his word that the Banyan ſhould be liberally re⯑warded, according to the importance of his ſervices: Taycho was both deaf and blind to all his remonſtrances and repreſentations; and, at laſt, fairly flung the door in his face.

Such was the candour and the gratitude of the incomparable Tay⯑cho.—The poor projector Thum-Khumm-qua found himſelf in a pi⯑teous caſe, while the whole nation reſounded with joy for the conqueſt which his ſagacity had planned, and his zeal carried into execution. He was not only abandoned by the miniſter Taycho; but alſo renounced by the whole ſect of the Banyans, who looked upon him as a wicked apoſ⯑tate, [221] becauſe he had been concerned with thoſe who fought with the arm of fleſh. It was lucky for him that he afterwards found favour with a ſub⯑ſequent miniſter, who had not adopt⯑ed all the maxims of his predeceſſor Taycho.—The only meaſures which this egregious demagogue could hi⯑therto properly call his own, were theſe: His ſubſidiary treaty with Brut-an-tiffi; his raiſing an im⯑menſe army of mercenaries to act in Tartary for the benefit of that prince; his exacting an incredible ſum of money from the people of Japan; and finally, two ſucceſſive armaments which he had ſent to annoy the ſea-coaſt of China. I have already given an account of the firſt, the intent of which was fruſ⯑trated by a miſtake in the perſpec⯑tives. The other was more fortunate in the beginning. Taycho had by the force of his genius, diſcovered that [222] nothing ſo effectually deſtroyed the oiled paper which the Chineſe uſe in their windows inſtead of glaſs, as the gold coin called Oban, when diſcharged from a military engine at a proper diſtance. He found that gold was more compact, more heavy, more malleable, and more manageable than any other metal or ſubſtance that he knew: he therefore provid⯑ed a great quantity of obans, and a good body of [...]lingers; and theſe be⯑ing conveyed to the coaſt of China, in a ſquadron of Fune, as none of the Chineſe appeared to oppoſe theſe hoſtilities, a ſelect number of the troops were employed to make ducks and drakes with the obans, on the ſup⯑poſition that this diverſion would al⯑lure the enemy to the ſea-ſide, where they might be knocked on the head without further trouble: but the care of their own ſafety got the better of their curioſity on this occaſion; and [223] fifty thouſand obans were expended in this manner, without bringing one Chineſe from his lurking-hole. Conſiderable damage was done to the windows of the enemy. Then the forces were landed in a village which they found deſerted. Here they burned ſome fiſhing-boats; and from hence they carried off ſome military machines, which were brought to Meaco, and conveyed through the ſtreets in proceſſion, amidſt the acclamations of the Hy⯑dra, who ſung the praiſe of Taycho.—Elevated by this triumph, the mi⯑niſter ſent forth the ſame armament a ſecond time under a new general of his own chooſing, whoſe name was Hylib-bib, who had long enter⯑tained an opinion, that the inhabi⯑tants of China were not beings of fleſh and blood, but mere fantaſtic ſhadows, who could neither offend nor be offended. Full of this opi⯑nion, [224] he made a deſcent on the coaſt of that empire; and to convince his followers that his notion was right, he advanced ſome leagues in⯑to the country, without having taken any precautions to ſecure a retreat, leaving the Fune at anchor upon an open beach. Some people alledged, that he depended upon the ſagacity of an engineer recommended to him by Taycho; which engineer had ſuch an excellent noſe, that he could ſmell a Chineſe at the diſtance of ten leagues: but it ſeems the ſcent failed him at this juncture. Perhaps the Chineſe general had trailed ruſty bacon and other odoriferous ſub⯑ſtances to confound his ſenſe of ſmelling. Perhaps no dew had fal⯑len over night, and a ſtrong breeze blew towards the enemy. Certain it is Hylib-bib, in the evening, re⯑ceived repeated intelligence that he was within half a league of a Chi⯑neſe [225] general, at the head of a body of troops greatly ſuperior in number to the Japoneſe forces which he himſelf commanded. He ſtill be⯑lieved it was all illuſion; and when he heard their drums beat, declared it was no more than a ridiculous inchantment. He thought proper, however, to retreat towards the ſea⯑ſide; but this he did with great de⯑liberation, after having given the ene⯑my fair notice by beat of drum. His motions were ſo ſlow, that he took ſeven hours to march three miles. When he reached the ſhore where the Fune were at anchor, he ſaw the whole body of the Chineſe drawn up on a riſing ground ready to be⯑gin the attack. He ordered his rear⯑guard to face about on the ſuppo⯑ſition that the phantoms would diſ⯑appear as ſoon as they ſhewed their faces; but finding himſelf miſtaken, and perceiving ſome of his own peo⯑ple [226] to drop, in conſequence of miſ⯑ſiles that came from the enemy, he very calmly embarked with his van, leaving his rear to amuſe the Chi⯑neſe, by whom they were, in leſs than five minutes, either maſſacred or taken. From this ſmall diſgrace the general deduced two important corollaries; firſt, that the Chineſe were actually material beings capa⯑ble of impulſion; and ſecondly, that his engineer's noſe was not altoge⯑ther infallible. The people of Meaco did not ſeem to reliſh the experi⯑ments by which theſe ideas were aſ⯑certained. The monſter was heard to grunt in different ſtreets of the me⯑tropolis; and theſe notes of diſcon⯑tent produced the uſual effect in the bowels of Fika-kaka: but orator Taycho had his flowers of rhetoric and his bowl of mandragora in rea⯑dineſs. He aſſured them that Hy⯑lib-bib ſhould be employed for the [227] future in keeping ſheep on the iſland of Xicoco, and the engineer be ſent to hunt truffles on the moun⯑tains of Ximo. Then he tendered his doſe, which the Hydra ſwallowed with ſigns of pleaſure; and laſtly, he mounted upon its back, and rode in triumph under the windows of the aſtoniſhed Cuboy, who, while he ſhifted his trowſers, exclaimed in a rapture of joy, ‘"All hail, Tay⯑cho, thou prince of monſter-taming men! the Dairo ſhall kick thy poſ⯑teriors, and I will kiſs them in to⯑ken of approbation and applauſe."’