[]MISS in her TEENS.

ACT I. SCENE I.

THIS is the Place we were directed to; and now, Puff, if I can get no Intelligence of her, what will become of me?

And me too, Sir.—You muſt conſider I am a marry'd Man, and can't bear Fatigue as I have done.—But pray, Sir, why did you leave the Army ſo abruptly, and not give me Time to fill my Knapſack with common Neceſſaries? Half a Dozen Shirts, and your Regimentals, are my whole Cargo.

I was wild to get away, and as ſoon as I obtain'd my Leave of Abſence, I thought every Moment an Age till I return'd to the Place where I firſt ſaw this young-charming, innocent, bewitching Creature—

With fifteen thouſand Pounds for her Fortune—Strong Motives, I muſt confeſs.—And now, Sir, as you are pleas'd to ſay you muſt depend upon my Care and Abilities in this Affair, I think I have a juſt Right to be acquainted with the Particulars of your Paſſion, that I may be the better enabled to ſerve you.

You ſhall have 'em.—When I left the Uni⯑verſity, which is now ſeven Months ſince, my Father, who loves his Money better than his Son, and would not ſettle a Farthing upon me—

Mine did ſo by me, Sir—

Purchas'd me a Pair of Colours at my own Re⯑queſt; but before I join'd the Regiment, which was going [2] abroad, I took a Ramble into the Country with a Fellow-C [...]legian, to ſee a Relation of his who liv'd in Berkſhire.—

—A Party of Pleaſure, I ſuppoſe.

During a ſhort Stay there, I came acquainted with this young Creature; ſhe was juſt come from the Boarding-School, and tho' ſhe had all the Simplicity of her Age and the Country, yet it was mix'd with ſuch ſenſible Vivacity, that I took Fire at once—

I was Tinder myſelf at your Age. But pray, Sir, did you take Fire before you knew of her Fortune?

Before, upon my Honour.

Folly and Conſtitution—But on, Sir.

I was introduced to the Family by the Name of Rhodophil, (for ſo my Companion and I had ſettled it;) at the End of three Weeks I was oblig'd to attend the Call of Honour in Flanders.

Your Parting, to be ſure, was Heart-breaking.

I feel it at this Inſtant.—We vow'd eternal Con⯑ſtancy, and I promis'd to take the firſt Opportunity of re⯑turning to her: I did ſo, but we found the Houſe ſhut up, and all the Information, you know, that we could get from the neighbouring Cottage was, that Miſs and her Aunt were remov'd to Town, and liv'd ſomewhere near this Part of it.

And now we are got to the Place of Action, pro⯑poſe your Plan of Operation.

My Father lives but in the next Street, ſo I muſt decamp immediately for fear of Diſcoveries; you are not known to be my Servant, ſo make what Enquiries you can in the Neighbourhood, and I ſhall wait at the Inn for your Intelligence.

I'll patrol hercabouts, and examine all that paſs; but I've forgot the Word, Sir—Miſs Biddy—

Bellair—

A young Lady of Wit, Beauty, and Fifteen thou⯑ſand Pounds Fortune—but, Sir—

What do you ſay, Puff?

If your Honour pleaſes to conſider that I had a Wife in Town whom I left ſomewhat abruptly half a Year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but decent, to make ſome Enquiry after her firſt; to be ſure it would be ſome ſmall Conſolation to me to know whether the poor Woman is li⯑ving, or has made away with herſelf, or—

Pr'ythec don't diſtract me; a Moment's Delay is of the utmoſt Conſequence; I muſt inſiſt upon an imme⯑diate Compliance with my Commands.

The Devil's in theſe fiery young Fellows! they think of no body's Wants but their own. He does not conſider that I am Fleſh and Blood as well as himſelf. How⯑ever I may kill two Birds at once; for I ſhan't be ſurpriz'd if I meet my Lady walking the Streets—But who have we here? Sure I ſhould know that Face.

Who's that? my old Acquaintance, Jaſper!

What, Puff! are you here?

My dear Friend!

Well, and how Jaſper, ſtill eaſy and happy! Toujours le meme!—What Intrigues now? What Girls have you ruin'd, and what Cuckolds made, ſince you and I us'd to beat up together, Eh?

Faith, Buſineſs has been very brisk during the War; Men are ſcarce, you know; not that I can ſay I ever wanted Amuſement in the worſt of Times.—But harkye. Puff—

Not a Word aloud, I am incognito.

Why Faith, I ſhould not have known you, if you had not ſpoke firſt; you ſeem to be a little diſhabille too, as well as incognito. Whom do you honour with your Service now? Are you from the Wars?

Piping hot, I aſſure you; Fire and Smoke will tar⯑niſh; a Man that will go into ſuch Service as I have been in, will find his Clothes the worſe for wear, take my Word [4] for it: But how is it with you, Friend Jaſper? What, you ſtill ſerve, I ſee? You live at that Houſe, I ſuppoſe?

I don't abſolutely live, but I am moſt of my Time there; I have within theſe two Months enter'd into the Service of an old Gentleman, who hired a reputable Servant, and dreſs'd him as you ſee, becauſe he has taken it into his Head to fall in Love.

Falſe Appetite and ſecond Childhood! But pr'y⯑thee, what's the Object of his Paſſion?

No leſs than a Virgin of Sixteen, I aſſure you.

Oh, the toothleſs old Dotard!

And he mumbles and plays with her till his Mouth waters; then he chuckles till he cries, and calls it his Bid, and his Bidſy, and is ſo fooliſhly fond—

Bidſy! What's that?—

—Her Name is Biddy.

Biddy! What, Miſs Biddy Bellair?

—The ſame—

I have no Luck, to be ſure.

—Oh! I have heard of her; ſhe's of a pretty good Family, and has ſome Fortune, I know. But are things ſettled? Is the Marriage fixed?

Not abſolutely; the Girl, I believe, deteſts him; but her Aunt, a very good prudent old Lady, has given her Conſent, if he can gain her Niece's; how it will end I can't tell—but I am hot upon't myſelf.

—The Devil! not Marriage, I hope.

That is not yet determined.

Who is the Lady, pray?

A Maid in the ſame Family, a Woman of Ho⯑nour, I aſſure you; She has one Husband already, a ſcoun⯑drel ſort of a Fellow that has run away from her, and liſt⯑ed for a Soldier; ſo, towards the End of the Campaign, ſhe hopes to have a Certificate he's knock'd o' th' Head; if not, I ſuppoſe, we ſhall ſettle Matters another way.

Well, ſpeed the Plough.—But harkye, conſum⯑mate [5] without the Certificate if you can—keep your Neck out of the Collar—do—I have wore it theſe two Years, and damnably gall'd I am.—

I'll take your Advice; but I muſt run away to my Maſter, who will be impatient for an Anſwer to his Meſſage which I have juſt deliver'd to the young Lady; ſo, dear Mr. Puff, I am your moſt obedient humble Servant.

And I muſt to our Agent's for my Arrears: If you have an Hour to ſpare, you'll hear of me at George's or the Tilt-Yard—Au Revoir, as we ſay abroad.

Thus we are as civil and as falſe as our Bet⯑ters; Jaſper and I were always the Beau Monde exactly; we ever hated one another heartily, yet always kiſs, and ſhake Hands—But now to my Maſter, with a Head full of News, and a Heart full of Joy!

It can't be! by Heavens, it is, that fretful Porcupine, my Wife! I can't ſtand it; what ſhall I do? I'll try to avoid her.

It muſt be he! I'll ſwear to the Rogue at a Mile's diſtance; he either has not ſeen me, or wont know me; if I can keep my Temper I'll try him farther.

I ſweat—I tremble—She comes upon me!

Pray, good Sir, If I may be ſo bold—

I have nothing for you, good Woman, don't trouble me.

If your Honour pleaſes to look this way—

The Kingdom is over-run with Beggars; I ſuppoſe the laſt I gave to has ſent this: but I have no more looſe Silver about me; ſo pr'ythee, Woman, don't diſturb me.

I can hold no longer; oh you Villain, you! Where have you been, Scoundrel! Do you know me now Varlet?

Here Watch, Watch,—Zounds I ſhall have my Pockets pick'd.

Own me this Minute, Hang-dog, and confeſs eve⯑ry thing, or by the Rage of an injur'd Woman, I'll raiſe the Neighbourhood, t [...]rottle you, and ſend you to Newgate.

Amazement! what, my own dear Tag! Come to my Arms, and let me preſs you to my Heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and lawful Wife.—Now my Stars have over-paid me for the Fatigue and Dangers of the Field; I have wander'd about like Achilles in ſearch of faithful Penelope, and the Gods have brought me to this happy Spot.

The Fellow's crack'd for certain! Leave your bom⯑baſtick Stuff, and tell me, Raſcal, why you left me, and where you have been theſe ſix Months, heh?

We'll reſerve my Adventures for our happy Win⯑ter Evenings—I ſhall only tell you now, that my Heart beats ſo ſtrong in my Country's Cauſe, and being inſtigated either by Honour or the Devil, (I cannot tell which) I ſet out for Flanders, to gather Lawrels, and lay 'em at thy Feet.

You left me to ſtarve, Villain, and beg my Bread, you did ſo.

I left you too haſtily I muſt confeſs, and often has my Conſcience flung me for it.—I am got into an Offi⯑cer's Service, have been in ſeveral Actions, gain'd ſome Credit by my Behaviour, and am now return'd with my Maſter, to indulge the gender Paſſions.

Don't think to fob me off with this nonſenſical Talk; what have you brought me home beſides?

Honour, and immoderate Love.

I could tear your Eyes out.

Temperance, or I walk off.

Temperance, Traitor, Temperance! What can you ſay for yourſelf? Leave me to the wide World.—

Well, I have been in the wide World too, [...] I? What would the Woman have?

Reduce me to the Neceſſity of going to Service.

Why, I'm in Service too, your Lord and Maſter, an't I, you ſaucy Jade, you?—Come, where doſt live, hereabouts? Haſt got good Vails? Doſt go to Market? Come, give me a Kiſs, Darling, and tell me where I ſhall pay my Duty to thee.

Why, there I live at that Houſe.

What, there! that Houſe?

Yes, there, that Houſe.

Huzza! We're made for ever, you Slut, you! huzza! Every thing conſpires this Day to make me hap⯑py—Prepare for an Inundation of Joy! My Maſter is in love with your Miſs Biddy over Head and Ears, and ſhe with him: I know ſhe is courted by ſome old Fumbler, and her Aunt is not againſt the Match; but now we are come the Town will be reliev'd, and the Governor brought over; in plain Engliſh, our Fortune is made; my Maſter muſt marry the Lady, and the old Gentleman may go to the Devil.

Heyday! what is all this?

Say no more, the Dice are thrown, Doublets for us; away to your young Miſtreſs, while I run to my Maſter, tell her Rhodophil! Rhodophil! will be with her immediate⯑ly; then if her Blood does not mount to her Face like Quickſilver in a Weather-glaſs, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a Lye, and your Husband no Politician.

This is news, indeed! I have had the Place but a little while, and have not quite got into the Secrets of the Family; but Part of your Story is true, and if you'll bring your Maſter, and Miſs is willing, I warrant we'll be too hard for the old Folks.

I'll about it ſtraight;—but hold, Tag, I had forgot—Pray how does Mr. Jaſper do?

Mr. Jaſper!—What do you mean? I—I—I—

What, out of Countenance, Child? Oh fy! Speak [8] plain, my Dear.—And the Certificate, when comes that, heh, Love?

He has ſold himſelf and turn'd Conjurer, or he could never have known it.

Are not you a Jade?—Are not you a Jezebel?—Arn't you a—

O ho, Temperance! or I walk off—

I know I am not finiſh'd yet, and ſo I am eaſy; but more Thanks to my Fortune than your Virtue, Madam.

Tag, Tag, where are you, Tag?

Coming, Madam.—My old Lady calls; away, to your Maſter, and I'll prepare his Reception within.

Shall I bring the Certificate with me?

Go, you graceleſs Rogue, you richly deſerve it.

Who was that Man you were talking to, Tag?

A Couſin of mine, Madam, that brought me ſome News from my Aunt in the Country.

Where's my Neice? Why are not you with her?

She bid me leave her alone—She's ſo melan⯑choly, Madam, I don't know what's come to her of late—

The Thoughtfulneſs that is natural upon the Ap⯑proach of Matrimony, generally occaſions a decent Concern.

And do you think, Madam, a Husband of three⯑ſcore and five—

Hold, Tag, he proteſts to me he is but five and Fifty.

He is a Rogue, Madam, and an old Rogue, and a fumbling old Rogue, which is the worſt of Rogues.—

Alas! Youth or Age, 'tis all one to her; ſhe is all Simplicity without Experience: I would not force her Inclinations, but ſhe's ſo innocent ſhe won't know the Dif⯑ference—

Innocent! ne'er truſt to that, Madam; I was in⯑nocent myſelf once, but Live and Learn is an old Saying, and a true one:—I believe, Madam, no Body is more innocent than yourſelf, and a good Maid you are to be ſure but tho' you really don't know the Difference, yet you can fancy it I warrant you.

I ſhould prefer a large Jointure to a ſmall one, and that's all; but 'tis impoſſible that Biddy ſhould have Deſires, ſhe's but newly come out of the Country, and juſt turn'd of Sixteen.

That's a tickliſh Age, Madam! I have obſerv'd ſhe does not eat, nor ſhe does not ſleep; ſhe ſighs, and ſhe cries, and ſhe loves Moon-light; theſe, I take it, are very ſtrong Symptoms.

They are very unaccountable, I muſt confeſs; but you talk from a deprav'd Mind, Tag, her's is ſimple and untainted.

She'll make him a Cuckold tho' for all that, if you force her to marry him.

You ſhock me, Tag, with your coarſe Expreſſi⯑ons; I tell you, her Chaſtity will be her Guard, let her Husband be what he will.

Chaſtity! Never truſt to that, Madam; get her a Husband that's fit for her, and I'll be bound for her Virtue; but with ſuch a one as Sir Simon, I'm a Rogue if I'd anſwer for my own.

Well, Tag, the Child ſhall never have reaſon to repent of my Severity; I was going before to my Lawyers to ſpeak about the Articles of Marriage. I will now put a Stop to 'em for ſome time, till we can make farther Diſco⯑veries.

Heav'n will bleſs you for your Goodneſs; look where the poor Bird comes, quite mop'd and melancholy; I'll ſet my Pump at work, and draw ſomething from her before your Return, I warrant you.

[10] There goes a Miracle; ſhe [...] neither Pride, Envy, or Ill⯑nature, and yet is near Sixty, and a Virgin.

How unfortunate a poor girl am I, I dare not tell my Secrets to any Body, and if I don't I'm undone—Heigho!

Pray, Tag, is my Aunt gone to her Lawyer about me? Heigho!

What's that Sigh for my dear young Miſtreſs?

I did not ſigh, not I—

Nay, never gulp 'em down, they are the worſt Things you can ſwallow. There's ſomething in that little Heart of yours, that ſwells it and puffs it, and will burſt it at laſt, if you don't give it vent.

What would you have me tell you?

Come, come, your are afraid I'll betray you, but you had as good ſpeak, I may do you ſome Service you little think of.

It is not in your Power, Tag, to give me what I want.

Not directly, perhaps; but I may be the means of helping you to it; as for Example—If you ſhould not like to marry the old Man your Aunt deſigns for you, one might find a way to break—

His Neck, Tag?

Or the Match; either will do, Child.

I don't care which indeed, ſo I was clear of him—I don't think I'm fit to be marry'd.

To him you mean—You have no Objection to Marriage, but the Man, and I applaud you for it: But come, Courage, Miſs, never keep it in; out with it all—

If you'll ask me any Queſtions, I'll anſwer 'em, but I can't tell you any thing of myſelf, I ſhall bluſh if I do.

Well then—In the firſt Place, Pray tell me, Miſs Biddy Bellair, if you don't like ſomebody better than old Sir Simon Loveit?

Heigho!

What's Heigho, Miſs?

When I ſay Heigho! it means yes.

Very well; and this Somebody is a young hand⯑ſome Fellow?

Heigho!

And if you were once his, you'd be as merry as the beſt of us?

Heigho!

So far ſo good: and ſince I have got you to wet your Feet, ſouce over Head at once, and the Pain will be over.

There—then.

Now help me out, Tag, as faſt as you can.

When did you hear from your Gallant?

Never ſince he went to the Army.

How ſo?

I was afraid the Letters would fall into my Aunt's Hands, ſo I would not let him write to me; but I had a better Reaſon then.

Pray let's hear that too.

Why, I thought if I ſhould write to him, and promiſe him to love no body elſe, and ſhould afterwards change my Mind, he might think I was inconſtant, and call me a Coquette.

What a ſimple Innocent it is!

And have you chang'd your Mind, Miſs?

No indeed, Tag, I love him the beſt of any of 'em.

Of any of 'em! Why, have you any more?

Pray don't ask me.

Nay, Miſs, if you only truſt me by Halves, you can't expect—

I will truſt you with every thing.—When I parted with him, I grew melancholy; ſo in order to divert me, I have let two others court me till he returns again.

Is that all, my Dear? Mighty ſimple, indeed.

One of 'em is a fine bluſtering Man, and is call'd Captain Flaſh; he's always talking of Fighting, and Wars; he thinks he's ſure of me, but I ſhall balk him; we ſhall ſee him this Afternoon, for he preſs'd ſtrongly to come, and I have given him Leave, while my Aunt's taking her Af⯑ternoon's Nap.

And who is the other, pray?

Quite another ſort of a Man; he ſpeaks like a Lady for all the World, and never ſwears as Mr. Flaſh does, but wears nice white Gloves, and tells me what Ribbons be⯑come my Complexion, where to ſtick my Patches, who is the beſt Millener, where they ſell the beſt Tea, and which is the beſt Waſh for the Face, and the beſt Paſte for the Hands; he is always playing with my Fan, and ſhewing his Teeth, and whenever I ſpeak he pats me—ſo—and cries, The Devil take me, Miſs Biddy, but you'll be my Perdition—Ha, ha, ha!

Oh the pretty Creature! And what do you call him pray?

His Name's Fribble; you ſhall ſee him too, for by Miſtake I appointed 'em at the ſame time; but you muſt help me out with 'em.

[...]nd ſuppoſe your Favourite ſhould come too—

I ſhould not care what became of the others.

What's his Name?

It begins with an R [...]d [...]o—

I'll be hang'd if it is not Rhodophil.

I am frighten'd at you! You are a Witch, Tag!

I am ſo, and I can tell your Fortune too. Look me in the Face. The Gentleman you love moſt in the World will be at our Houſe this Afternoon; he arriv'd from the Army this Morning, and dies till he ſees you.

Is he come, Tag? Don't joke with me—

Not to keep you longer in Suſpence, you muſt know the Servant of your Strephon, by ſome unaccountable Fate or other, is my Lord and Maſter; he has juſt been with me, and told me of his Maſter's Arrival and Impa⯑tience—

Oh my dear, dear Tag, you have put me out of my Wits—I am all over in a Flutter—I ſhall leap out of my Skin—I don't know what to do with myſelf—Is he come, Tag?—I am ready to faint—I'd give the World I had put on my Pink and Silver Robings to-day.

I aſſure you, Miſs, you look charmingly!

Do I indeed tho'? I'll put a little Patch under my left Eye, and powder my Hair immediately.

We'll go to Dinner firſt, and then I'll aſſiſt you.

Dinner! I can't eat a Morſel—I don't know what's the Matter with me—my Ears tingle, my Heart beats, my Face fluſhes, and I tremble every Joint of me—I muſt run in and look myſelf in the Glaſs this Mo⯑ment.

Yes, ſhe has it, and deeply too; this is no Hy⯑pocriſy—

ACT II. SCENE I.

TO find you ſtill conſtant, and to arrive at ſuch a critical Juncture, is the height of For⯑tune and Happineſs

Nothing ſhall force me from you; and if I am ſecure of your Affections—

I'll be bound for him, Madam, and give you any Security you can aſk.

Every thing goes on to our Wiſh, Sir; I juſt now had a ſecond Conference with my old Lady, and ſhe was ſo convinced by my Arguments, that ſhe return'd inſtantly to the Lawyer to forbid the drawing out of a⯑ny Writings at all, and ſhe is determin'd never to thwart Miſs's Inclinations, and left it to us to give the old Gentleman his Diſcharge at the next Viſit.

Shall I undertake the old Dragon?

If we have Occaſion for Help, we ſhall call for you.

I expect him every Moment, therefore I'll tell you what, Rhodophil, you and your Man ſhall be lock'd up in my Bed-chamber till we have ſettled Matters with the old Gentleman.

Do what you pleaſe with me.

You muſt not be impatient tho'

I can undergo any thing with ſuch a Reward in view, one Kiſs and I'll be quite reſign'd—and now ſhew me the way.

Come. Sirrah, when I have got you under Lock and Key, I ſhall bring you to Reaſon.

Are your Wedding-clothes ready, my Dove? the Certificate's come.

Go follow your Captain, Sirrah—march—You may Thank Heav'n I had Patience to ſtay ſo long.

I was very much alarm'd for fear my two Gal⯑lants ſhould come in upon us unawares; we ſhould have had ſad work if they had: I find I love Rhodophil vaſt⯑ly, for tho' my other Sparks flatter me more, I can't a⯑bide the thoughts of 'em now—I have Buſineſs upon my Hands enough to turn my little Head, but egad my Heart's good, and a Fig for Dangers—let me ſee, what ſhall I do with my two Gallants? I muſt, at leaſt, part with 'em decently; ſuppoſe I ſet 'em together by the Ears?—The luckieſt thought in the World! For if if they won't quarrel (as I believe they won't) I can break with them for Cowards, and very juſtly diſmiſs 'em my Service; and if they will fight, and one of 'em ſhould be kill'd, the other will certainly be hang'd, or run away, and ſo I ſhall very handſomely get rid of both.—I am glad I have ſettled it ſo purely.

Well, Tag, are they ſafe?

I think ſo, the Door's double lock'd, and I have the Key in my Pocket.

That's pure; but have you given 'em any thing to divert 'em?

I have given the Captain one of your old Gloves to mumble, but my Strephon is diverting himſelf with the more ſubſtantial Comforts of a cold Ven'ſon Paſty.

What ſhall we do with the next that comes?

If Mr. Fribble comes firſt, I'll clap him up into my Lady's Store-room; I ſuppoſe he is a great Mak⯑er [16] of Marmalade himſelf, and will have an Opportuni⯑ty of making ſome critical Remarks upon our Paſtry and Sweet-meats.

When one of 'em comes, do you go and watch for the other, and as ſoon as you ſee him, run in to us, and pretend it is my Aunt, and ſo we ſhall have an Excuſe to lock him up till we want him.

You may depend upon me; here is one of 'em.—

Mr. Fribble, your Servant—

Miſs Biddy your Slave—I hope I have not come upon you abruptly; I ſhould have waited upon you ſooner, but an Accident happen'd that diſcompos'd me ſo, that I was obliged to go home again to take Drops.

Indeed you don't look well, Sir.—Go, Tag, and do as I bid you.

I will, Madam.

I have ſet my Maid to watch my Aunt, that we mayn't be ſurprized by her.

Your Prudence is equal to your Beauty, Miſs, and I hope your permitting me to kiſs your Hands, will be no Impeachment of your Underſtanding.

I hate the Sight of him.

I was afraid I ſhould not have had the Pleaſure of ſeeing you, pray let me know what Accident you met with, and what's the matter with your Hand? I ſhan't be eaſy till I know.

Well I vow, Miſs Biddy, you're a good Crea⯑ter,—I'll endeavour to muſter up what little Spi⯑rits I have, and tell you the whole Affair—Hem!—But firſt you muſt give me leave to make you a Preſent of a ſmall Pot of my Lip-ſalve; My Servant made it this Morning—the Ingredients are innocent, I aſſure [17] you; nothing but the beſt Virgin's-wax, Conſerve of Roſes, and Lilly of the Valley Water.

I thank you, Sir, but my Lips are generally red, and, when they an't, I bite 'em.

I bite my own, ſometimes, to pout 'em a little, but this will give them a Softneſs, Colour, and an agree⯑able Moiſter.—Thus let me make an humble Offering at that Shrine, where I have already ſacrific'd my Heart.

Upon my Word that is very prettily expreſs'd, you are poſitively the beſt Company in the World—I wiſh he was out of the Houſe.

But to return to my Accident, and the Reaſon why my Hand is in this Condition—I beg you'll excuſe the Appearance of it, and be ſatisfyed that nothing but mere Neceſſity could have forc'd me to appear thus muffled before you.

I am very willing to excuſe any Misfortune that happens to you, Sir.

You are vaſtly good indeed,—thus it was.—Hem!—You muſt know, Miſs, there is not an Animal in the Creation I have ſo great an Averſion to, as thoſe Hackney-coach Fellows—As I was coming out of my Lodgings,—Says one of 'em to me, Would your Honour heve a Coach?—No, Man, ſaid I, not now (with all the Civility imaginable)—I'll carry you and your Doll too, (ſays he) Miſs Margery for the ſame Price.—Upon which the maſculine Beaſts about us fell a laughing; then I turn'd round in a great Paſſion, curſe me, (ſays I) Fellow, but I'll trounce thee.—And, as I was holding out my Hand in a threatning Poſter,—thus;—he makes a Cut at me with his Whip, and ſtriking me over the Nail of my little Finger, it gave me ſuch exquiſite Torter that I fainted away; and, while I was in this Condition, the [18] Mob pick'd my Pocket of my Purſe, my Sciſſars, my Mocoa Smelling-Bottle, and my Huſwife.

I ſhall laugh in his Face.

I am afraid you are in great Pain; pray ſit down, Mr. Fribble, but I hope your Hand is in no Danger.

Not in the leaſt, Maam; pray don't be appre⯑henſive—A Milk-poultice, and a gentle Sweat to Night, with a little Manna in the Morning, I am confi⯑dent will relieve me entirely.

But pray, Mr. Fribble, do you make uſe of a Huſwife?

I can't do without it, Maam; there is a Club of us, all young Batchelors, the ſweeteſt Society in the World; and we meet three times a Week at each o⯑thers Lodgings, where we drink Tea, hear the Chat of the Day, invent Faſhions for the Ladies, make Models of 'em, and cut out Patterns in Paper. We were the firſt Inventors of Knotting, and this Fringe is the origi⯑nal Produce and joint Labour of our little Community.

And who are your pretty Set, pray?

There's Phil Whiffle, Jacky Wagtail, my Lord Trip, Billy Dimple, Sir Dilbery Diddle, and your humble—

What a ſweet Collection of happy Creatures!

Indeed and ſo we are, Miſs,—But a pro⯑digious Fracas diſconcerted us ſome time ago at Billy Dimple's—three drunken naughty Women of the Town burſt into our Club-room, curſt us all, threw down the China, broke ſix Looking-glaſſes, ſcalded us with the Slop-Baſon, and ſcrat poor Phil Whiffle's Cheek in ſuch a manner, that he has kept his Bed theſe three Weeks.

Indeed, Mr. Fribble, I think all our Sex have great Reaſon to be angry; for if you are ſo happy now [19] you are Batchelors, the Ladies may wiſh and ſigh to very little purpoſe.

You are miſtaken, I aſſure you; I am prodigi⯑ouſly rallied about my Paſſion for you, I can tell you that, and am look'd upon as loſt to our Society alrea⯑dy; He, he, he!

Pray, Mr. Fribble, now you have gone ſo far, don't think me impudent if I long to know how you intend to uſe the Lady who ſhall be honour'd with your Affections?

Not as moſt other Wives are us'd, I aſſure you; all the domeſtick Buſineſs will be taken off her Hands; I ſhall make the Tea, comb the Dogs, and dreſs the Children myſelf, ſo that tho' I'm a Commoner, Mrs. Fribble will lead the Life of a Woman of Quality; for ſhe will have nothing to do, but lie in Bed, play at Cards, and ſcold the Servants.

What a happy Creature muſt ſhe be!

Do you really think ſo? Then pray let me have a little ſerous Talk with you.—Tho' my Paſſi⯑on is not of a long ſtanding, I hope the Sincerity of my Intentions—

Ha, ha, ha!

Go, you wild Thing.

The Devil take me but there is no talking to you.—How can you uſe me in this barbarous manner! If I had the Conſti⯑tution of an Alderman it would ſink under my Suffer⯑ings—hooman Nater can't ſupport it.—

Why, what would you do with me, Mr. Fribble?

Well, I vow I'll beat you if you talk ſo—don't look at me in that manner.—Fleſh and Blood can't bear it—I could—but I won't grow indecent—

But pray, Sir, where are the Verſes you were to write upon me? I find if a young Lady depends too [20] much upon ſuch fine Gentlemen as you, ſhe'll certainly be diſappointed.

I vow, the Flutter I was put into this After⯑noon has quite turn'd my Senſes—here they are tho'—and I believe you'll like 'em.—

There can be no doubt of it.

I proteſt, Miſs, I dont like that Curtſey—Look at me, aud always riſe in this manner.

But, my dear Creater, who put on your Cap to-day? They have made a Fright of you, and it's as yellow as old Lady Crowfoot's Neck.—When we are ſettled, I'll dreſs your Heads myſelf.

Pray read the Verſes to me, Mr. Fribble.

I obey—Hem!—William Fribble, Eſq to Miſs Biddy Bellair—greeting.

How do you like them?

Ha, ha, ha! I ſwear they are very pretty—but I don't quite underſtand 'em.

Theſe light Pieces are never ſo well under⯑ſtood in Reading as Singing; I have ſet 'em myſelf, and will endeavour to give 'em you—La la—I have an abominable Cold, and can't ſing a Note; however the Tune's nothing, the Manner's all.

Your Aunt, your Aunt, your Aunt, Madam!

What's the matter?

Hide, hide Mr. Fribble, Tag, or we are ruin'd.

Oh! for Heaven's ſake put me any where, ſo I don't dirty my Clothes.

Put him into the Store-room, Tag, this Mo⯑ment.

Is it a damp Place, Mrs. Tag? The Floor is boarded, I hope?

Indeed it is not, Sir.

What ſhall I do? I ſhall certainly catch my Death! Where's my Cambrick Handkerchief, and my Salts? I ſhall certainly have my Hyſtericks!

In, in, in—So now let the other come as ſoon as he will; I did not care if I had twenty of 'em, ſo they would but come one after another.

Was my Aunt coming?

No, 'twas Mr. Flaſh, I ſuppoſe, by the Length of his Stride, and the Cock of his Hat. He'll be here this Minute—What ſhall we do with him?

I'll manage him, I warrant you, and try his Courage; be ſure you are ready to ſecond me—we ſhall have pure Sport.

Huſh! here he comes.

Well my Bloſſom, here am I! What Hopes for a poor Dog, eh? How! the Maid here! then I've loſt the Town, Dammee! Not a Shilling to [22] bribe the Governor; ſhe'll ſpring a Mine, and I ſhall be blown to the Devil.

Don't be aſham'd, Mr. Flaſh; I have told Tag the whole Affair, and ſhe's my Friend I can aſſure you.

Is ſhe? Then ſhe wont be mine I am certain

Well Mrs. Tag, you know, I ſuppoſe, what's to be done: This young Lady and I have con⯑tracted our-ſelves, and ſo, if you pleaſe to ſtand Bride⯑maid, why we'll fix the Wedding-day directly.

The Wedding-day, Sir?

The Wedding-day, Sir? Ay, Sir, the Wedding-day, Sir, what have you to ſay to that, Sir?

My dear Captain Flaſh, don't make ſuch a Noiſe, you'll 'wake my Aunt.

And ſuppoſe I did, Child, what then?

She'd be frighten'd out of her Wits.

At me, Miſs! frighten'd at me? Tout au contraire, I aſſure you; you miſtake the thing, Child; I have ſome Reaſon to believe I am not quite ſo ſhock⯑ing.

Indeed, Sir, you flatter yourſelf—But pray, Sir, what are your Pretenſions?

The Lady's Promiſes, my own Paſſion, and the beſt mounted Blade in the three Kingdoms. If any Man can produce a better Title, let him take her; if not, the D [...]l mince me, if I give up an Atom of her.

He's in a fine Paſſion, if he would but hold it.

Pray, Sir, hear Reaſon a little.

I never do, Madam; it is not my Method of Proceeding; here's my Logick;

Sa, ſa,—my beſt Argument is Cart over Arm, Madam, ha, ha,

and if he anſwers that, Ma⯑dam, [23] through my ſmall Guts, my Breath. Blood and Miſtreſs are all at his Service—Nothing more, Madam.

This 'll do, this 'll do.

But Sir, Sir, Sir?

But Madam, Madam, Madam: I pro⯑feſs Blood, Madam, I was bred up to it from a Child; I ſtudy the Book of Fate, and the Camp is my my Univerſity; I have attended the Lectures of Prince Charles upon the Rhine, and Bathiani upon the Po, and have extracted Knowledge from the Mouth of a Can⯑non; I'm not to be frighten'd with Squibs, Madam, no, no.

Pray, dear Sir, don't mind her, but let me prevail with you to go away this Time—Your Paſſion is very fine to be ſure, and when my Aunt and Tag are out of the way, I'll let you know when I'd have you come again.

When you'd have me come again, Child? And ſuppoſe I never would come again, what do you think of that now, ha? You pretend to be afraid of your Aunt; your Aunt knows what's what too well to refuſe a good Match when 'tis offer'd—Lookee, Miſs, I'm a Man of Honour, Glory's my Aim, I have told you the Road I am in, and do you ſee here, Child,

no Tricks upon Tra⯑vellers.

But pray, Sir, hear me.

No, no, no, I know the World, Madam, I am as well known at Covent-Garden as the Dial, Ma⯑dam: I'll break a Lamp, bully a Conſtable, bam a Juſtice, or bilk a Box-keeper with any in the Liberties of Weſtminſter; What do you think of me now, Madam?

Pray don't be ſo ſurious, Sir.

Come, come, come, few Words are beſt, ſome⯑body's happier than ſomebody, and I'm a poor ſilly Fellow; ha, ha,—That's all—Look you Child, to be ſhort, (for I'm a Man of Reflexion) I have but a Bagatelle to ſay to you: I am in love with you up to Hell and Deſperation, may the Sky cruſh me if I am not—But ſince there is another more fortunate than I, Adieu, Biddy! Proſperity to the happy Rival, Pati⯑ence to poor Flaſh; but the firſt time we meet—Gun⯑powder be my Perdition, but I'll have the Honour to cut a Throat with him

You may meet with him now, if you pleaſe.

Now may I!—Where is he? I'll ſa⯑crifice the Villain.

Huſh! he [...]s but in the next Room.

Is he? Ram me

into a Mortar-piece, but I'll have Vengeance; my blood boils to be at him—Don [...]t be frighten [...]d, Miſs?

No, Sir, I never was better pleaſed, I aſſure you.

I ſhall ſoon do his Buſineſs.

As ſoon as you pleaſe, take your own Time.

I'll fetch the Gentleman to you immediately.

Stay, ſtay a little; what a Paſ⯑ſion I am in!—Are you ſure he is in the next Room?—Iſhall certainly tear him to pieces.—I would fain mur⯑der him like a Gentleman too—Beſides, this Family ſhan't be brought into Trouble upon my Account.—I have it—I'll watch for him in the Street, and mix his Blood with the Puddle of the next Ken⯑nel.

No, pray Mr. Flaſh, let me ſee [25] the Battle, I ſhall be glad to ſee you fight for me, you ſhan't go, indeed.

Oh, pray let me ſee you fight; there were two Gentlemen fit Yeſterday, and my Miſtreſs was never ſo diverted in her Life—I'll fetch him out.

Do, ſtick him, ſtick him, Captain Flaſh; I ſhall love you the better for it.

D [...]n your Love, I wiſh I was out of the Houſe.

Here he is—Now ſpeak ſome of your hard Words, and run him through—

Don't be in Fits now—

Never fear me.

Take it on my Word, Sir, he is a Bully, and nothing elſe.

I know you are my good Friend, but perhaps you don't know his Diſpoſition.

I am confident he is a Coward.

Is he? Nay, then I'm his Man.

I like his Looks, but I'll not venture too far at firſt.

Speak to him, Sir.

I will—I underſtand, Sir—hem—that you—by Mrs. Tag here,—Sir,—who has inform'd me—hem—that you have ſent her, to inform me—Sir,—that you would be glad to ſpeak with me—Demmee—

I can ſpeak to you, Sir—or to any Body, Sir—or I can let it alone and hold my Tongue,—if I ſee Occaſion, Sir, Dammee—

Well ſaid, Mr. Flaſh, be in a Paſſion.

Don't mind his Looks, he changes Colour already; to him, to him,

Don't hurry me, Mrs. Tag, for Heaven's ſake! I ſhall be out of breath before I begin if you d [...]—Sir,—

If you can't ſpeak to a Gentleman in another manner, Sir,—why then I'll venture to ſay, you had better hold your Tongue—Oons.

Sir, you and I are of different Opinions.

You and your Opinion may go to the Devil—Take that.

Well ſaid, Sir, the Day's your own.

What's the Matter, Mr. Flaſh? Is all your Fury gone? Do you give me up?

I have done his Buſineſs.

Give you up, Madam! No, Madam; when I am determin'd in my Reſolutions I am always clam; 'tis our Way, Madam; and now I ſhall proceed to Bu⯑ſineſs;—Sir, I beg to ſay a Word to you in private.

Keep your Diſtance, Fellow, and I'll anſwer you.—That Lady has confeſs'd a Paſſion for me, and as ſhe has deliver'd up her Heart into my Keeping, nothing but my 'arts Blood ſhall purchaſe it. Demnati⯑on!

Bravo! Bravo!

If thoſe are the Conditions, I'll give you Ear⯑neſt for it directly.

Now, Villain renounce all Right and Title this Minute, or the Torrent of my Rage will overflow my Reaſon, and I ſhall annihilate the Nothingneſs of your Soul in an Inſtant.

I wiſh there was a Conſtable at Hand to take us both up; we ſhall certainly do one another a Preju⯑dice.

No, you won't indeed, Sir; Pray bear up to him; if you would but draw your Sword, and be in a Paſſion, he would run away directly,

Do you hear, Jaſper?—Sure the Child is poſſeſs'd!—Pray, Miſs, what did they want here?

Me, Sir; they wanted me.

What did they want with you, I ſay?

Why, what do you want with me?

Do you hear, Jaſper?—I am thunder-ſtruck! I can't believe my own Ears!—Tell me the Reaſon, I ſay, why—

I'll tell you the Reaſon why, if you pleaſe, Sir Simon. Miſs, you know, is a very ſilly young Girl, and having found out (Heaven knows how!) that there is ſome little Difference between Sixty-five and twenty-five, ſhe's ridiculous enough to chooſe the latter; when if ſhe'd take my Advice—

You are right, Tag, ſhe wou'd take me? Eh?

Yes, Sir, as the only way to have both; for if ſhe marries you, the other will follow of courſe.

Do you hear, Jaſper?

'Tis very true. Sir Simon; from my knowing no better, I have ſet my Heart upon a young Man, and a young one I'll have; there have been there here this Af⯑ternoon.

Three, Jaſper!

And they have been quarrelling about me, and one has beat the other two. Now, Sir Simon, if you'll take up the Conqueror, and kick him, as he has kick'd the others, you ſhall have me for your Reward, and my Fifteen thouſand Pounds into the Bargain. What ſays my Hero? Eh?

The World's at an End!—What's to be done, Jaſper?

Pack up and be gone; don't fight the Match, Sir.

Fleſh and Blood cannot bear it—I'm all over Agitation—Hugh, hugh!—am I cheated by a Baby, a [32] Doll? Where's your Aunt, you young Cockatrice?—I'll let her know—ſhe's a baſe Woman, and you are—

You are in a fine Humour to ſhew your Valour. Tag, fetch the Captain this Minute, while Sir Simon is warm, and let him know he is waiting here to cut his Throat.

I lock'd him up in my Bed-chamber till you came.

Here's an Imp of Darkneſs! What would I give that my Son Bob was here to thraſh her Spark, while I—raviſh'd the reſt of the Family.

I believe we had beſt retire, Sir.

No, no, I muſt ſee her Bully firſt; and, do you hear, Jaſper, if I put him in a Paſſion, do you knock him down.

Pray keep your Temper, Sir.

What is the Meaning, Sir?—Ounds! 'tis my Father, Puff; what ſhall I do?

Kennel again, Sir.

I am enchanted!

There is no Retreat, I muſt ſtand it!

What's all this?

Your humble Servant, Captain Fire-ball.—You are welcome from the Wars, noble Captain.—I did not think I ſhould have the Pleaſure of being knock'd o' th' Head, or-cut up alive by ſo fine a Gentleman.

I am under ſuch Confuſion, Sir, I have not Pow⯑er to convince you of my Innocence.

Innocence! pretty Lamb! And ſo, Sir, you have left the Regiment, and the honourable Employment of fighting for your Country, to come home and cut your Father's Throat; why you'll be a great Man in time, Bob!

His Father, Tag!

Come, come, 'tis ſoon done—one Stroke [33] does it—or, if you have any Qualms, let your 'Squire there perform the Operation.

Pray, Sir, don't throw ſuch Temptations in my way.

Hold your impudent Tongue!

Why don't you ſpeak, Mr. Modeſty; what Excuſe have you for leaving the Army, I ſay?

My Affection to this Lady.

Your Affection, Puppy!

Our Love, Sir, has been long and mutual; what Accidents have happen'd ſince my going abroad, and her leaving the Country, and how I have moſt unaccountably met you here, I am a Stranger to; but whatever Appear⯑ances may be, I ſtill am, and ever was, your dutiful Son.

He talks like an Angel, Tag!

Dutiful, Sirrah! Have you not rival'd your Father?

No, Sir, you have rival'd me; my Claim muſt be prior to yours.

Indeed, Sir Simon, he can ſhew the beſt Title to me.

Sir, Sir, the young Gentleman ſpeaks well, and as the Fortune will not go out of the Family, I would ad⯑viſe you to drop your Reſentment, be reconcil'd to your Son, and relinquiſh the Lady.

Ay, ay, with all my Heart—Look ye, Son, I give you up the Girl, ſhe's too much for me, I confeſs;—And take my Word, Bob, you'll catch a Tartar.

I aſſure you, Sir Simon, I'm not the Perſon you take me for; if I have us'd you any ways ill, 'twas for your Son's ſake, who had my Promiſe and Inclinations be⯑fore you; and tho' I believe I ſhould have made you a moſt uncomfortable Wife, I'll be the beſt Daughter to you in the World; and if you ſtand in need of a Lady, my Aunt is diſengag'd, and is the beſt Nurſe—

No, no, I thank you, Child; you have ſo turn'd my Stomach to Marriage, I have no Appetite left.—[34] But where is this Aunt? Won't ſhe ſtop your Proceedings, think you?

She's now at her Lawyer's, Sir, and if you pleaſe to go with the young Couple, and give your Approbation, I'll anſwer for my old Lady's Conſent.

The Captain, and I, Sir—

Come, come, Bob, you are but an Enſign, don't impoſe on the Girl neither.

I had the good Fortune, Sir, to pleaſe my Royal General by my Behaviour in a ſmall Action with the Ene⯑my, and he gave me a Company.

Bob, I wiſh you Joy! This is News indeed! And when we celebrate your Wedding, Son, I'll drink a half Pint Bumper myſelf to your Benefactor.

And he deſerves it, Sir; ſuch a General, by his Example and Juſtice, animates us to Deeds of Glory, and inſures us Conqueſt.

Right, my Boy—come along then.

Halt a little, Gentlemen and Ladies, if you pleaſe: Every Body here ſeems well ſatisfy'd but myſelf.

What's the Matter, Puff?

Sir, as I would make myſelf worthy of ſuch a Ma⯑ſter, and the Name of Soldier, I cannot put up the leaſt Injury to my Honour.

Heyday! What Flouriſhes are theſe?

Here is the Man; come forth, Caitiff.

He hath confeſs'd this Day, that, in my Abſence, he had taken Freedoms with my lawful Wife, and had diſhonou⯑rable Intentions againſt my Bed; for which I demand Sa⯑tisfaction.—

What Stuff is here, the Fel⯑low's Brain's turn'd.

And crack'd too, Sir; but you are my Maſter's Father, and I ſubmit.

Come, come, I'll ſettle your Punctilios, and will [35] take care of you and Tag hereafter, provided you drop [...] Animoſities, and ſhake Hands this Moment.

My Revenge gives way to my Intereſt, and I once again, Jaſper, take you to my Boſom.

I'm your Friend again, Puff—but harkye—I fear you not; and if you'll lay aſide your Steel there, as far as a broken Head, or a black Eye, I'm at your Service upon Demand.

You are very good at Crowing indeed, Mr. Jaſper; but let me tell you, the Fool that is Rogue enough to brag of a Woman's Favours, muſt be a Dunghill every way—As for you, my dear Husband, ſhew your Manhood in a proper Place, and you need not fear theſe Sheep-biters.

The Abigail is pleaſant I confeſs, he, he!

I'm afraid the Town will be ill-natur'd enough to think I have been a little coquettiſh in my Behaviour; but, I hope, as I have been conſtant to the Captain, I ſhall be excus'd diverting myſelf with Pretenders.