PART I.

WHEN a culprit is arraigned at the bar, he holds up his hand, ſubmitting himſelf to providence, and the laws of his country; both my hands I hold up, not arrogantly to provoke my trial, but merely as a peti⯑tioner for a patient hearing.

By all the laws of laughing, every man has an undoubted right to play the fool with himſelf; under that licenſe this exhibition is attempted.—Good wine needs no buſh;—the bad deſerves none: if what I have to offer meets with your approbation, you will ap⯑plaud it; if otherwiſe, it will meet with the contempt it deſerves. —Some of theſe heads are manufactured in wood, and others in paſteboard, to denote that there are not only Blockheads, but Paper Sculls.

This is one of thoſe extraordinary perſonages called Conquerors. He was called Alexander the Great, from the great number of people his ambition had cut to pieces; he was a moſt dexterous ſlaughterman, and thought mankind only made for him to cut away with; he was a great hero, warrior, and man-killer.—For⯑merly. And—This is the head of a Cherokee Chief, called Sachem-Swampum-Scalpo Tomahauk;—He was a great hero, warrior, and man-killer—Lately. And

This is the head of a quack-doctor;—a greater man-killer than either of the other two. This head of the quack doctor is exhibited to ſhew the weakneſs of wiſdom, and the ſtrength of folly; for if wiſdom was not very weak, would ſuch fellows as [2]Carmen, Coblers, and Porters, be permitted to vend their un⯑wholeſome mixtures, under letters patent;—and if folly was not too ſtrong, would any body ſwallow their compoſitions!—The madneſs of^* this head, made him a conqueror.—The folly of the town dubb'd^† this a doctor.—The exploits of Alexander are celebrated by half the great writers of the age; and yet this Alex⯑ander was nothing more than a murderer and a madman; who ran from one end of the world to the other, ſeeking whom he might cut to pieces;—and^‡ this copper-complexioned hero wants no⯑thing to make him as great as Alexander, but the ruſt of antiquity to varniſh over his crimes, and the pens of writers to illuſtrate his actions.—The Quack-doctor is his own hiſtorian; and publiſhes, in the Daily Advertiſer and Gazetteer, accounts of cures never performed, and copies of affidavits never ſworn to.

Here is the quack-doctor's coat of arms; three ducks proper, and Quack, Quack, Quack, for the motto.—'Tis charged round with death's heads; and by way of creſt, a number of quack puffs, and bills of mortality.—It was made up for him by the worſhipful company of Undertakers, and preſented to him by the Sextons and Gravediggers; to denote, that theſe people look upon Quack-doctors as their greateſt benefactors.

The ornaments of^§ this head, are not for what the wearer has done; on the contrary, he bears about him the conſtant memo⯑rial of the faults of others, and is by the ill-judging part of the world, condemned for crimes he could not commit, and the very commiſſion of which conſtitute all his unhappineſs. Theſe horns, like the cornucopia of the antients, ſignify plenty; and denote, that this head hath abundance of brethren in affliction; they are gilt to ſhew, that there are wretches baſe enough to accept the wages of diſhonour, even in a point the moſt delicate.—This braſs Buck's-head, we all well know, is made uſe of both in public and private houſes; nor had it been made in this ſhape, but to accuſ⯑tom mankind not only to the ſight of horns, but to the uſe of hanging their hats upon them.

From the ancient cuſtom of adorning the temple, came the modern cuſtom of embelliſhing the whole head. Hence aroſe the wig manufactory—the conſequence of which we ſhall endeavour to illuſtrate.

^‖Here is a head, and only a head; a plain, ſimple, naked, un⯑imbelliſhed appearance; which, in its preſent ſituation, conveys to us no other idea, than that of a bruiſer, preparing to fight at Broughton's. Behold how naked, how ſimple a thing Nature is! But, behold, how luxuriant is^¶ Art! What importance is now ſeated on theſe brows! What reverence the features demand! [3]What dignity is diffuſed on the whole countenance!—This is a compendium of the law—Special pleadings in the fore-top; pleas, rejoinders, replications, and demurs, in each turn of the head—the knotty points of practice in the twiſt of the tail— the depth of the full bottom, denotes the length of a chancery ſuit, while the black coif at top, like a bliſter plaiſter, ſeems to tell us, that the Law is a great irritator, and never to be uſed but in very deſperate caſes.—But as it is not enough to ſuppoſe a reſemblance, and as we have more blocks than one to try our wigs upon, we will make an exchange, and attempt an oration in praiſe of the law.

Law! law! law! is like a fine woman's temper—a very diffi⯑cult ſtudy.—Law! law; is like a book of ſurgery;—a great many terrible caſes in it.—Law; it is like fire and water; very good ſervants; but very bad when they get the upper hand of us; —'tis like a homely genteel woman, very well to follow;—'tis alſo, like a ſcolding wife, very bad when it follows us;—and again, it is like bad weather, moſt people chuſe to keep out of it. —In law! In law there are four parts; the Quid libet, the Quod libet, the Quid pro quo, and the Sine qua non.—Imprimis; the Quid libet; or who began firſt? becauſe, in all actions of aſſault, the law is clear, that primus ſtrokus, is abſolutus malus, ſine jokus; which, being elegantly and claſſically rendered into Engliſh, is, that, whoſoever he be that gave the firſt ſtroke, it was abſolute ill, and without a joke.

Secondly, the Quod libet, or the damages; but that the law has nothing to do with, only to ſtate them; for whatever da⯑mages enſue, they are all the client's perquiſites, according to that ancient Norman motto;—If he is caſt, or caſtandum; he is ſemper idem, ruinandum.

Thirdly, the Quid pro quo; feeing council.—Giving words for money, or having money for words; according to that ancient Norman motto, "Si curat lex,"—We live to perplex.

Fourthly, the Sina qua non; or, without ſomething, what would any thing be good for? Without this wig, what would the out⯑lines of the law be good for?

I ſhall illuſtrate this by a caſe in point (Peere Williams, p. 96) Daniel againſt Diſhclout— Plaintiff Daniel was groom in the ſame family where defendant Diſhclout was cook. Plaintiff Daniel had been drinking, or, as Dr. Bibbibus has it in his diſſertation on bumpers, he was Homo Duplicans, that is, he was a double man; he was not as he ſhould be, ipſe he; but as he ſhould not be, tipſe he — Plaintiff Daniel made a forcible entry on the cook's premiſſes, the kitchen.—Now, the kitchen, according to Serjeant Plodding, as he has it in his 149th vol. folio, of the abridgement of the ſtatures, page 1296, there he ſays, that the kitchen is, Ca⯑mera neceſſaria, in uſu cookeraro, where ſhe has the overlooking, the conduct, the management, the ſuperviſing, the feeing to, the ſuperintendance, and the ſpeculation, of all the ſauſpannis, ſlew⯑pannis, [4]frienpannis, et ſtovis, ſmoke jacko, and where our cook was at this time employed in all the duties of her office; where ſhe was roaſtandum, boilandum, fyrandum, frigaſeyandum, et plumb pludding magnum, mixandum. At this time Plaintiff Da⯑niel made a forcible entry, &c. and demanded a ſop in the pan; defendant Diſhclout inſiſted on her right of refuſal;—(a ſop in the pan, gemmen is a very ſerious thing) and without perquiſites, what are all honours and places good for? Nothing more than an embroidered button hole; and if we conſider a miniſter of ſtate as the nation's cook, then perquiſites are the ſop in the pan to the miniſter of ſtate, with which omnium gatherum chooſe to greaſe their fingers.—Well, Plaintiff Daniel demanded a ſop in the pan; Defendant Diſhclout inſiſted on a right of refuſal; Daniel ſeized Diſhclout by the left hand, there was the Quid libet, or the aſſault [...] Diſhclout took Daniel by the right hand, and pulled him into the dripping pan; there was the damages—the dripping pan —Now, if the dripping-pan had not been there, he could not have fallen into the dripping pan; and if he had not been there, the dripping pan could not have received him. And this is law; and the loquaciouſneſs of the law is multi loquacious; foraſ⯑much, nevertheleſs, likewiſe, moreover, and alſo.—The liberty of the Law is the happineſs of the Engliſh; and it is very happy for us Engliſhmen, that we have the liberty to go to law.

Here is a wig, as ſtiff as if chiſſeled out of a ſtone by a cutter; and as unnatural as Chineſe ornaments; and yet theſe wigs, and the wearers of them too, are in faſhion in ſome parts of the town; and thus plaiſtered, like the top of a cabbage plant after a ſhower of ſnow, 'tis called the Journeyman's Jemmy. And

This is Sir Languiſh Liſpy, theſe creatures adorn the outſide of their heads to attack ladies hearts, and they are promoted to places in he ſervice of the ladies, in proportion to their reſpective merits; they are tea-cup carriers, fan bearers, and ſnuff box hold⯑ers. This is the He at the one end of the down, and this is the He at the other end of the town. It would perhaps give pain to any one of this audience, to have ſuch a pomatum cake paſted to their heads; but the extreme delicate creatures theſe repreſent, ſel⯑dom make any other uſe of their heads, than to have their hair or wigs dreſſed upon them. They ſmile, and ſimper, they ogle, they admire every lady, and every lady alike. Nay, they copy the manners of the ladies ſo cloſely, that grammarians are at a loſs, whe⯑ther to rank them with the maſculine or feminine, and therefore put them down as the Doubtful Gender.—Theſe wigs, from the quantity of powder that is laviſhed upon them, are called Ammu⯑nition caxons; and thus ſweetened over, like the ſugar at the top of a twelf cake, may ſeem to denote that the wearers muſt needs be very ſweet fellows.

Here, is a full frizzel bob.—The wearer of this wig looks like an oſtrich in a fright; as if he had run his head into a buſh, and [5]brought it away with him about his ars.—Wigs may be conſidered as bearing great analogy to books: this, then will be an huge quarto in large paper; as this is a duodecimo in ſmall print, and belongs to Mr. Donefirſt, the long odds-layer: and here is his man, "Croſs and joſtle in," ſweated down to ride a ſweepſtakes; and thus dreſſed, in true turf taſte, they are called a brace of "knowing ones"—The head of a horſe jockey, and a jockey's horſe, may be ſaid to have great affinity: becauſe the jockey's head can pull the horſe's head on which ſide the poſt he pleaſes; but what ſort of heads muſt thoſe people have, who know theſe things are done, and yet truſt their capitals with ſuch ſinking funds! but we ſhall forbear to ſay any more on this head, for fear of offending thoſe high perſonages who chooſe to reſemble grooms and horſe jockeys.—A converſation ſhould have been formed for theſe heads, and they ſhould have talked on various ſubjects; ſuch as politicks, religion, and cold cream; eau de luce, lavender water, demyreps, and French chicken gloves. But as all that has been ſaid is to no purpoſe, and as leaſt ſaid is ſooneſt mended; and as thoſe that ſay nothing cannot be blamed for ſpeaking, we have choſen to exhibit theſe Capitals as mutes; and hope the audience won't take offence at it.—Some heads are mute, becauſe they have nothing to ſay: ſome, ſhould be mute, becauſe they ſay nothing to the purpoſe; ſome men ſay nothing at all to their wives; and ſome married men would be extremely happy if their wives ſaid nothing at all to them.

This is Nobody's head, or the head of Nobody; becauſe thus adorned with the fool's cap, nobody chuſes to own it.—Hiſtorians have left us in the dark, with reſpect to theſe long ear'd bonnets; but it is, however, ſuppoſed, that the firſt who wore them was, Judge Midas, who had the inimitable art of turning every thing he touched into gold; and now touch ſome people with gold, and you may make any thing of them; money getting, conſiſting in the art of making fools; or, of properly ſuffering ourſelves to be made fools of.

Life is ſaid to be a lottery; and Folly concerned in the chances.— Now let us ſee if this fool's cap has any prizes!—This may appear as a ſatyr againſt card playing, but 'tis not a juſt one; on the con⯑trary, moſt card players are ſaid to belong to^* this family, and generally bear their name; they are called court cards, becauſe, when turned up trumps, they become honours.—Which ſhews, if you deal fairly you may gain honours, and that, often, honours or no honours, depend entirely on a ſhuffle.

This creſt belongs to thoſe eaſy kind of mortals, who are ſaid to be nobody's enemy but their own. They are divided into three claſſes; there are your generous fellows,—your honeſt fellows,— and your deviliſh clever ſellows.—As to your generous fellow; he is treat maſter; you honeſt fellow, he is toaſt maſter; you deviliſh [6]clever fellow, he is ſinging maſter, who is to keep the company alive for four or five hours; and then, your deviliſh honeſt fel⯑low, is to drink them all dead.—They married into Folly's family, and got this creſt—"the fool's cap."—And which to this day nobody chuſes to be known by.

If you aſk why we ſo frequently uſe the term nothing, let this ſerve as a reaſon; from ten to twenty we go to ſchool to learn, what, from twenty to thirty, we are ſtrangely apt to forget; from thirty to forty, we think things muſt needs be as we would have them; from forty to fifty, we find ourſelves a little out in our reck⯑oning; and, from fifty to ſixty, upon caſting up life's debtor and creditor, we find^* this the certain ballance.—Theſe are a number of nothings, which, in their preſent ſtate, have no power or con⯑ſequence; yet, by the addition of one, they take rank and prece⯑dence immediately; which ſhews, that in life, as well as arithmetic, nothing may be turned into ſomething by the aſſiſtance of any one lord of a golden manor; take away the one and they are nothing again.—To nothing we muſt all come; happy they, who, amidſt the variations of nothing, have done nothing to be aſhamed of. If they have nothing to fear, they have every thing to hope.—Thus, ends the diſſertation on nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he has properly executed—by making nothing of it.

From the diſſertation on nothing, we come to Nobody's gene⯑alogical tables.—This is nobody's creſt, becauſe, whoever this may ſuit, nobody cares to own it.—This is ſomebody's creſt; "a ſcreen," becauſe in all political diſputes, ſomebody is ſuppoſed to be behind the ſcreen.—This coat of legs and arms belongs to thoſe eaſy kind of mortals, who are always throwing their legs and arms about 'em; reſtleſs every where; at home; no where: how they live, nobody knows; and how they die, nobody cares. However in⯑ſignificant this may appear, yet that is of no ſmall importance; for the moment a man begins to fancy himſelf ſomething, he aſſumes a big look; we have therefore given him a big belly, with a vaſt corporation; as for the abſent members, let them be thus made out; let the mayor be the head; the two ſheriffs, the arms, as they execute the law; the aldermen the legs, as they ſupport the chair; and, as to the eyes, noſe, mouth, &c. why, let them be compoſed of a committee of common councilmen; and ſo the corporation is made out.

This is any body's coat of arms; the ſhield is blank, a blank for the creſt! it being as eaſy now-a-days, to buy a coat of arms, as any other coat.—The Herald's office is the true Monmouth-ſtreet in the pariſh of Pedigree. It is Honour's piece broker's ſhop, where every remnant of reputation is to be purchaſed. It ſhould ſeem as if the Herald's office had the virtue of Medea's kettle, where every plebeian vulgarity is boiled away, and out they come ſpick and ſpan new gentlefolks.

[7]This is every body's coat of arms;—a bag of money, and hands catching at it; money reaping being mankind's univerſal harveſt work: we have given a death's head to every body's coat of arms; being the exact likeneſs of every body drawn after the life.

It may ſeem ſtrange that we ſhould exhibit ſuch terms, as eſteem, generoſity, friendſhip, gratitude, public ſpirit, and common ſenſe; as belonging to nobody's family: but the truth is, that theſe fine qualifications have been ſo ill uſed, that nobody cared to own them. The conſequence of which was, that they were ordered into the workhouſe: but the pariſh officers unanimouſly agreed, that they ſhould have no admittance there. Mr. Overſeer ſtanding up, and ſaying, that as how,—in the firſt place; imprimis; firſt of all, and foremoſt—Gemmen of the weſtry, Why what buſineſs have we with friendſhip! I take it, that as how the beſt friend a man has, is a man's own money in a man's own pocket: and friendſhip is nothing more or leſs, as I take it, in the whole verſal world, but to borrow a man's money out of a man's pocket. I come now to your grati⯑tudes; and I take your gratitudes to be a ſort of a foreign lingo, which we Engliſh folk have nothing at all to do with; to be ſure there was ſuch a perſon, when Do-as-you-would-be-done-by was member of parliament. And ye know, gemmen of the weſtry, ſince Self Intereſt was made receiver general, Gratitude has been turned out of the county.

Mr. Head borough, ſlowly riſing from his chair, and gravely ſnuff⯑ing the candle, begged leave to be hard—and he ſaid, that as how, whereof, and wherefore, not ſo much for the ſaying of the thing, as tho'f it ſhould be ſaid, though to be ſure no man ſhould be ſartain ſure of his own judgement; yet for his part; now as to your generoſity, he look's upon it to be a ſort of a ſomething of a foreign plant, and we have nothing to do with it.—And as to your public ſpirit, why ye know, gemmen of the weſtry, I need not tell you, that is nothing more than a licence for publicans to fell ſpirituous liquors. And as to your eſteem; wh—y ſome people eſteem brandy punch; and ſome people eſteem rum punch; for my part, give me a little ſup of your rum punch; and if I was the people of Jamaica, if the people of England would not drink rum punch, why they ſhould have no turtle, and then they would all be ſtarved. And

Now gemmen of the weſtry, I come to my imprimis, third and laſt; and that is your common ſenſe, if I may be allowed to ſpeak my reflexions about it; I look upon it to be too common, and too vulgar a thing, for the gemmen of the weſtry to trouble their heads with, or be conſarned about.

All theſe fine qualifications muſt have periſhed in oblivion, had not Chance recommended them to the family of Oſtentation. Here is the lady of Oſtentation's manor, her name was Vanity. She had a ſiſter named Wit, who ran away with Judgement, the houſe ſtew⯑ard; from which two was begat Genius; but as it's very common [8]to uſe Genius ill, ſo ſhe ſuffered many and great hardſhips, till at length ſhe was reduced to ſo low an ebb, as to be obliged to lodge in a garret with the poet Oblivion, and his mother Neceſſity. In proceſs of time Judgement, her father, found her out, and pro⯑moted a marriage between Genius and Science, and from that mar⯑riage were produced theſe five ſine children, Architecture, Painting, Poetry, Aſtronomy, and Muſic. But the diſturbance at that time between the Goths and the Vandals, having overturned the temples of the Arts and Sciences, theſe ſcientifics took ſhipping, and a ſtorm ariſing at ſea, they were ſhipwreck'd on the inhoſpitable coaſt of Suſſex, where, after being plundered of their wearing apparel, they were left to ſtarve, by the inhumanity of the country people. The reaſon why our ſea ſide ſavages may rob and plunder ſhipwrecked paſſengers with impunity, is owing to a defect in the Game Act, which was made for the preſervation of the Game all over England, the gentlemen who drew up that act forgetting to make men, women, and children game, though it is ſo common, now-a-days, to make game of men, women, and children. They begged their way up to London on foot, where they were in hopes that the merit of their works would recommend them; poor creatures! 'tis a ſign they knew very little of the world, to imagine any ſuch thing: however (to prevent ſtarving) Architecture turned bricklayer's la⯑bourer to a Chineſe builder, Painting was a grinder of colours to a paper ſtainer, Poetry turned Printer's Devil, Muſic ſung ballads about the ſtreets, and Aſtronomy cried Almanacks. In ſome little time lady Faſhion found them out, and, as ſoon as lady Faſhion found them out, all the world ran mad for their company.

This is a moſt curious exhibition, and very likely to make the learned look about them; for as there is no mark or ſign to diſcover what it is, 'tis a ſure proof of it's being a genuine antique.—It may, for ought we know, be a king Solomon, or Queen Sameri⯑mis; an Old Venus, or a New Nabob, a Methodiſt Preacher, or a Bottle Conjuror. It was intended to place the face of Probability upon it; but that motion was ſoon laid aſide, as people, in our days, are only fond of improbabilities; at length, a part of the bronze, or plaiſter, being rubbed off, a letter was diſcovered, by which it appeared to be the remains of the ſtatue of Honeſty; thus mauled and mutilated by the various inroads that had been made upon it.—Imagine not, ſpectators, that this buſt of Honeſty is ex⯑hibited, as if the real face would be a ſtranger to any one of this company;—No,—She is only ſhewn here emblematically; the meaning of which is, that the manners of the times are ſuch, as may put Honeſty out of countenance.—Not as a companion, but as a contraſt to the head of Honeſty, is

This, the head of Flattery, exhibited. The ancients had days they called White, or Lucky days; thus it is wiith Flattery; to the fortunate ſhe turns her white, her ſhining ſide; to the unfortunate, ſhe is ever in eclipſe. Upon the approach of any ill fortune, Flat⯑tery [9]generally turns into Reproach; the meaning of which is, that it is a reproach to our underſtandings to ſuffer Flattery, yet we con⯑tinue to accept the injury, though we deſpiſe the hand that offers it; not remembering that the receiver is as bad as the thief.

This being, Flattery, was begot on Poverty, by Wit; which is the reaſon why poor wits are generally the greateſt flatterers.

This Flattery was employed by the princes of the earth, to carry their congratulations one to another; but being at a certain time diſpatched by the Dutch with a card of compliments to the Hotten⯑tots, the ſhip ſhe went in was taken by a pyrate; the captain of which fell in love Flattery, left off the ſea for her ſake, took an inn, ſet up, and made Flattery his bar-keeper: a gentleman ar⯑riving in thoſe parts in purſuit of an heireſs, and having tried all efforts in vain, at laſt purchaſed Flattery of the innkeeper; and, by her means, gained the lady. But to ſee the ingratitude of man kind, he had not been married a fort'night, before he kick'd Flattery out of doors; and, from that time to this, ſhe has had no ſettled place of abode, but is uſually to be found at the beginning of court⯑ſhip, and at the latter end of a petition. This being, Flattery, was the occaſion of the very firſt duel that ever was fought: ſhe was placed at the top of a pyramid, in the middle of an highway, where four roads met; two knights, adventurers, the one from the north, and the other from the ſouth, arrived at the pyramid at the ſame inſtant; the hero from the ſouth, who ſaw this white ſide, ſaid it was a ſhame, that a white, a ſilver profile, ſhould be truſted on the highway ſide. The hero from the north, who only ſaw this, ſaid,—A white, a ſilver profile, why it is a black one! Flat contradictions produced fatal demonſtrations: their ſwords flew out, and they cut and hewed one another in a moſt unmerciful manner; till fainting with the loſs of blood, they both fell down, each on the oppoſite ſide to that on which the combat begun; when look⯑ing up, too late, they belield their miſtake. At this inſtant a ve⯑nerable hermit coming by, bound-up their wounds, and replaced them on their horſes, giving them this piece of friendly advice, ‘That, hence forward, in all political diſputes, and matters of a public nature, never to truſt themſelves till they had examined both ſides of the queſtion.’

PART II.

IN the firſt part of this lecture we conſidered men's heads; in this ſecond part, we ſhall conſider the head dreſs of the fine ladies; for as the world is round, and the world turns round, and every thing turns round with it; ſo no lunar, or ſublunar revolution, hath cauſed greater alteration in the affairs of men, than hath from time to time take place in the head dreſſes of the ladies.

From the Egyptians, from whom we derive all our arts and ſci⯑ences, philoſophy and faſhions, our good dames of antiquity ſeem to have borrowed this riding-hood. Behold the riding-hood! how the lappets fall down the ſide of the face, like the lappets on the ſide of the face of the Egyptian mummy; or like the cumb'rous fo⯑liages of the full-bottom'd peruke; but our anceſtors diſliking the uſe of theſe full-bottoms, contrived a method of tying up their wigs behind; hence the origin of tye-wigs!—The ladies, too, not to be behind-hand with the gentlemen in their faſhions, contrived a way to tye up their tails too; and from the riding-hood, they tucked up their tails and form'd the Ranelagh-hood; as for ex⯑ample;

This is the hood in high taſte at the lower end of the town: and while this is wore by lady Mary, lady Betty, lady Suſan, and wo⯑men of great diſtinction; this is wore by plain Moll, and Beſs, and Sue, and women without any diſtinction at all! This is the inva⯑riable mode, or head-dreſs, of thoſe ladies, who uſed to ſupply the court end of the town with ſea dainties, before land carriage for fiſh came into faſhion! And there is not more difference between the head dreſs of theſe ladies, than in their mode of converſation; for while theſe fine ladies are continually making inroads upon their mother tongue, and clipping polyſyllables into monoſyllables; as, when they tell us they caant, and they ſhaant, and they maant: theſe coarſe ladies make ample amends for their deficiency, by the addition of ſupernumerary ſyllables, when they talk of breakfaſtes, and toaſteſes, and running their fiſteſes againſt the poſteſes.

Theſe are the antient laughing and crying philoſophers, perpe⯑tual preſidents of the noble and venerable orders of the Groaners and the Grinners. This the preſident of the diſmal faction, is al⯑ways crying for fear the world ſhould not laſt his time out;—this, the member of the Choice Spirits, egad, he don't care whether it does or not. This laughs at the times; this cries at the times; and this blackguards the times; and thus the times are generally handled. Old people praiſe the times paſt, which they neglected to uſe when they might; young people look forward with anxious care to the time to come, neglecting the preſent; and almoſt all people treat the preſent times, as ſome folks do their wives,—with indifference, becauſe they may poſſeſs them.

[11]This was the faſhionable mode, or head dreſs, in the times of our forefathers and foremothers; when a member of parliament's wife was jogged up to town once a year behind John, juſt to ſee my Lord Mayor's ſhew, and have her gown cut to the court faſhion; and then, with her pillion new ſtuffed, and her lap crammed with con⯑fectionary, ſhe was hoiſted back again, as fine as a gingerbread ſtall upon a fair day. From Minerva's helmet the ladies ſeem to have taken the cuſtom of wearing bonnets; the pompoon, or egret, from the half moon that encircled the temple of Diana.

From the ancients, too, came this cuſtom of giving lectures, Juno, that termagant of antiquity, being the firſt who ever gave her huſband a lecture; and which, from the place where it was de⯑livered, was called a curtain lecture! And philoſophers are of opi⯑nion, that theſe curtain lectures are not yet entirely out of faſhion.

Homer, the hiſtorian, from whom all theſe facts are taken, relates great things of the zone, or girdle of Venus;—and to it he aſcribes great virtue; he ſays, that whatever lady wears Venus's girdle, will infallibly poſſeſs the beauties of Venus. Now, ladies, I have that very girdle mentioned by Homer; and every lady will look lovely as long as ſhe chuſes to appear in it^‖

This is a real antique, the morning head dreſs of that celebrated demi-rep of antiquity, Cleopatra; this is what aſtronomers call the night rain, or ſhrouding the moon in a cloud; and to this day the ladies of Edinburgh, when they go abroad in the morning, fold a tarpin about their heads; or, as they expreſs it, they heep their heeds about in plaid. But our ladies in the ſouth, diſliking ſo cum⯑b'rous a faſhion, and imagining that ſomething whimſically like it might be the invention of a new faſhion, invented this French night cap, or cheek wrapper. A lady in this dreſs looks hooded like a horſe, with eye-flaps,—to keep them from looking one way or the other; and perhaps that is the reaſon why moſt ladies, in our days, chooſe to look forward! One would imagine that this cap was invented by ſome ſurly duana, or ill-natured guardian, who being paſt the reliſh of beauty themſelves, would deny even the fight of it to the reſt of mankind!

Since we are on the ſubject of ladies faces, permit me a word on the pernicious practice of face painting, or rubbing of rouge and white waſh on the complexion. Women of the town may be al⯑lowed the uſe of paint, becauſe the dexterity of their profeſſion, like that of pirates, conſiſts in fighting under falſe colours. But, for the delicate, the unculpable part of the ſex, to paint, looks as if they would fiſh for lovers, as men do for mackrel,—by hanging ſomething red upon the hook; or as if they thought men were ge⯑nerally of the bull and turkey cock kind, and would ſly at any thing ſcarlet. Exerciſe is the beſt face painter; innocence the beſt giver of complexion. There is, however, a certain period in life [12]among the ladies, no leſs an enemy to the face, than the cuſtom of face painting; 'tis called antiquated virginity; when elderly un⯑married ladies are ſuppoſed to be condemned to lead apes about, becauſe, when they were young and handſome, they made monkies of mankind. Shakeſpear has beautifully deſcribed the difference of the two ſtates in theſe few lines, thus:

We have here two heads taken from theſe lines of Shakeſpear. This is the married roſe, and this is that withering on the virgin thorn. Diſappointments bring on wrinkles; the wrinkles, there⯑fore, of this face, are no cauſe for wonder; the beſt wines, if kept too long, will turn to vinegar. But as this ſubject ſeems to grow ſerious, we'll diſmiſs it with a wiſh,

Not to be partial to either ſex, this is exhibited as the head of an old batchelor. Theſe old batchelors are mere bullies in love; continually abuſing matrimony, without daring to accept the chal⯑lenge. They tell ye, if they were married, their wives ſhould not go abroad, when they pleaſe; the children ſhould never cry; the men ſhould not kiſs the maids; O! they would do mighty matters! But theſe lion-like talkers abroad, are mere baalambs at home, and continually under ſubjection to ſome termagant of a miſtreſs, who makes them amply repay to her inſolence, the contempt in which they pretend to have held the worthier part of the ſex. As a pu⯑niſhment for their infidelity, when they are old and ſuperannuated, they ſet up for ſuitors; they ogle through ſpectacles, and they ſing love ſongs, with catarrhs, by way of ſymphony. This laced coat, ſolitaire, and bag wig, ſhew what he would be; and this fool's cap, what he is.

As this is an head in ancient primitive ſimplicity; ſo here is an head, in modern ſimplicity, and belongs to a laſs of the ſpirit uſu⯑ally called a Quaker. And

This is the head of one moved by the ſpirit. He wears this large umbrella like covering, to keep off the outer light, to ſtrengthen the light within. As this is the hat of one moved by the ſpirit, ſo

This is a hat, in the true ſpirit of the mode. This is a Niverne; or a Nivernoiſe; or a Nivernoiſe; or a Never enough: (it's all the ſame in the Greek) a fellow with ſuch a hat as this, looks like a man coming from market with a ſkimming diſh on his head. The French, perhaps, have acted wiſely in curtailing the ſize of their hats, becauſe we have curtailed them of the fur trade; but, for Engliſhmen to wear ſuch hats, is neither ſound policy, or common honeſty; yet we perſiſt in copying the manners of the [13]French, though we know they deſpiſe us for imitation.—As there are two hats contraſted, ſo here are two heads contraſted.

This, a plain, honeſt, well meaning, manly ſentiment speak⯑ing countenance. This, with a French grin, and ſimper, ſeems to ſay,—‘Entendez vous Monſieur; entendez vous; Sire you have no complaiſance,’ To whom, this replies, ‘But Sir, we have ſincerity.’ ‘Sire, we have de gran monarch.’ ‘And we liberty.’ ‘Sire, we come over to England every year to learn you.’ ‘And yet ſir, we are very much your maſters.’ ‘Point du tout, Point du tout. Not at all, not at all. You beat us in one part, and we go to anoder. The French be de viſe people, they go all over the world to get money.’ And, the Engliſh, they go all over the world to ſpend it.

PART. III.

IN the firſt part of this lecture, we conſidered wigs lexiconi⯑cally; in this part we ſhall conſider them phyſically; or rather, a phyſical wig: not as it relates to the faculty; but only with an intent to ſhew, how ſome of the faculty treat their heads. This wig, is charactura of both doctor and apothecary, according to the doctrine of topſy turvey; which ſuppoſes, that any apo⯑thecary may be a doctor, though no doctor can be an apothe⯑cary.

Preſuming we may now look ſomething like ſome of the faculty, we ſhall attempt a diſſertation on Sneezing and Snuff-taking; and this we ſhall endeavour to execute in the true ſecundum—artem—medicum phraſe, which may ſerve either for doctor, or apothecary-Sneezing, otherwiſe, learnedly called ſternutation, is occaſioned by a violent, involuntary, impreſſion, repreſſion, compreſſion, ſup⯑preſſion, and oppreſſion of the animal ſpirits and nervous [...]luids; which acting on the nerves, which are ſubſervient to the muſcles and the diaphragma, communicate the ſame vibration, otherwiſe oſcellations, of the medellary ſubſtance, of the nerves, and excite thoſe impulſes and concuſſion of the thorax which accompany ſter⯑nutation, by which means, the patient is in ſuch a ſort of a kind of ſituation, that—if he has a pocket handkerchief he may wipe his noſe with it. There are ſeveral ſorts of ſnuff; phyſical and meta⯑phyſical. With phyſical ſnuff the town has been ſufficiently peſter⯑ed. Let us conſider metaphyſical. And firſt,

The ſnuff, of Self conſequence: upon the ſudden acceſſion of any good fortune, Pride uſually preſents the poſſeſſor with a box of the ſnuff of Self conſequence. On opening the lid, the duſt flies [14]into his eyes, and prevents his recollecting any of his old acquaint⯑ance. On theſe occaſions, the eyes of the Snuff taker are ſo in⯑jured, that he cannot recognize thoſe very friends, whom perhaps (but the day before) he would have been glad to have received a dinner from—then,

There is the ſnuff of Contempt; this is ſure to be taken by all well dreſſed perſons, when they are in company with others with worſe cloaths on than themſelves: for though we know there is a material difference between real genius, and Monmouth-ſtreet finery, yet the Pantheon of Parade ſhall have crouded auditors, while the Temple of Merit ſtands open without a worſhipper.— When the performance of an Engliſh artiſt is exhibited as the work of a maſter unknown, its merit will have due praiſe; but the mo⯑ment his name is known, and he is found guilty of being an Eng⯑liſhman, admiration changes into diſguſt, and the club of connoiſ⯑ſeurs take the ſnuff of Contempt at him and his works immediately. —Pſhaw;—Paltry;—Damn'd bad,—Vile, &c. &c.

Engliſhmen are ſuppoſed to be meer John Trots; incapable of of any thing, but hauling a rope, or pulling a trigger: nor would merit have been allowed in this particular, had not our ſoldiers and ſailors ſo very lately ſhewn all over the world ſuch capital ex⯑hibitions.

With theſe heads we intended to have begun our diſſection. This is the head of a blood: he wears a bull's forehead, for a fore⯑top, in imitation of that blood of old, Jupiter, who turned him⯑ſelf into a bull, to run away with Europa: and to this day your bloods are mighty fond of making beaſts of themſelves; this is a fine fellow to kick up a duſt; or to keep it up when it is kicked up; to chuck a waiter behind the fire; toſs a beggar in a blanket; play at chuck with china plates; hop round the room with a red hot poker in his mouth, upon one leg; ſay the belief backwards; ſwallow red hot coals. Oh, he was qu-ite the thing. He was a wit, at Wetherby's; a toaſt-maſter, at Bob Derry's; a conſtant cuſtomer, at the Round-houſe; a terror to modeſt women, and a dupe to women of the town; as one of whom,

This portait is exhibited. This is a man of the town, or a blood; and this is a woman of the town or a—but by what other title the lady chuſes to be called, we are not entitled to mention: ſuffice it to ſay, that when we attempted diſſection, we found this head proof againſt our keeneſt apparatus, and this ſo ſoft, that it mouldered away at the firſt touch.

This is the Tea-table Critic; or maſter among the maids. He was mama's darling. His mama would never let him learn to read, for fear he ſhould get a naaſty cuſtom of holding down his head; but he was a purdigious ſcholar for all that; he had got four pages of Hoyle by heart, which his mama's woman had taught him: and he could calculate, ho could calculate how much cream ſhould be put into a codling tart. He died of a fit of deſpair for the loſs of [15]his lap-dog; who was poiſoned with eating up the cold cream, that was prepared for his mama's next day's complexion. We di⯑vided the ſuters of his brain with an ivory bodkin; but inſtead of the cutis, and the cuticula; the cerebum, and the cerebellum, medula oblong, and other hard words; we found nothing of them; and, for brains, we diſcovered this pincuſhion. From the Tea-table Critic, we proceed to the Learned Critic, or Word-grubber.

This was an hunter after commas, ſemicolons, and underevatas. This is a true claſſical conjugating countenance, and denotes dicti⯑onary dignity. He was one of thoſe learned Doctoribus's, who al⯑ways argued Propria quae maribus. He has for a band a pair of horn books, to denote that he was a man of mere letters. He loſt his beſt friend, in a diſpute, relative to the pronunciation of a word: as he was one day walking in his friend's garden, little miſs came running to him, "Sir," ſaid ſhe, ‘my papa's horſe Cicero has won the race;’ foaming with rage, our grammarian bounces into the parlour, "Madam." ſays he, ‘Why do you bring up your children thus? How dare you ſuffer theſe violations of all grammar; you'll be the very deſtruction of all learning and of all common ſenſe! for the pronunciation of the word is not Cicero, but Kickero.’ Nature never does her works by halves; ſhe proportions the parts of all animals, to the uſe for which they are deſigned; thus, the ears of this critic are immenſely large; they are called trap doors to catch ſyllables! On the con⯑trary; his eyes are half cloſed; that's called the Wiſeman's Wink; and ſhews he can ſee the world with half an eye. He died of in⯑ſanity of mind, or furor mentis, occaſioned by a diſpute relating to the reſtoring of oiled butter; he ſaid, butter once oiled, could ne⯑ver be reſtored; and he proved it from the Greek too; at the very fame interim, in came Betty the cook maid, with a little ſprinkling of flower, and no Greek, and reſtored it in a moment. When we came to a dissection of this head, inſtead of the hard terms uſed by anatomiſts, we found none of the parts thereby deſcribed; we found only large fragments of abuſe! epitomes of indexes and title pages: and all the brain covered over with a blotting paper. Be⯑fore we opened

This ſtock-jobber's head, we had a mind to make an experiment upon the ear: but, as to notes of muſic, the cries of diſtreſs, the praiſe of merit, and the demand of gratitude, the ſtock-jobber's head was like his ſtock, conſolidated. We then thought of a me⯑thod of ſtriking one piece of money againſt another; we did ſo. We ſtruck one ſhilling againſt another; the chink of the money alarmed the member; and on our ſtriking one guinea againſt ano⯑ther, the ear expanded to its utmoſt extent; in other ſubjects, there are certain veſſels that convey to the face a conſciouſneſs of guilt, or the glow of innocence. In the ſtock-jobber, they were all petrified. In other ſubjects there are certain veſſels between the [16]head and the heart; called the nerves of humanity! in the ſtock-jobber, they were all eaten up by the ſcurvy.

This is, Sir Full Fed Domine Double Chin; citizen, turtle, and veniſon eater. He was one of the common council of Farringdon within; he was a very good ſort of a man; he was half brother to an alderman, and had been deputy of his ward: his time was taken up in the affairs of the ſtate, and the affairs of a kitchen. He loved politics, and he loved veniſon. He thought a cook was the greateſt genius in all the 'varſal world, except a news writer. He conſtantly read every political pamphlet that was publiſhed, and on both ſides of the queſtion, and always framed his opinion according to the writer he read laſt; and according to the humour he happened to be in; he would take his cap, and his pipe, and a glaſs of the righteous (as he called it) and he would be for ſetting the world to rights in an hurry. Ay! Ay! neighbour Coſter; all for their own ends now a-days; all for their own ends; nobody do you ſee now a-days, loves their own country, ſince queen Semaramus, and ſhe invented Solomon Gundy, and that's the beſt eating in all the 'varſal world. It I was at the head of affairs, things ſhould not be as they are now; that's all; they ſhouldn't indeed. I would ſhew them another way of a manner of going to work: now I'll ſhew you my plan of operations. Do you mind me now, mark what I ſay: ſuppoſe then theſe two or three bits of tobacco aſhes, to be the main land continent.—Ve—ry well, and ſuppoſe now, neighbour Spriggins, this little drop of milk punch, (well come, here's the king, God bleſs him) ſuppoſe this little drop of milk punch, to be the main ſea ocean: very well! very well! and ſuppoſe theſe three or four bits of cork to be all our great men of war: very well! But what ſhall I do now for fortified places? Oh, here I have it; he—re I have it. Here's your Havannahs, and your Pondicherries, and your Tilbury Ports, and your Tower Ditches; and all your damn'd ſtrong places! there's a plan of operations for ye now: A—h, Well, and then our army all ſhould wear a new uniform; all our horſe infantry ſhould wear air jackets, and all our foot cavalry ſhould wear cork waiſtcoats; and then ye know why they'd be all over the ſea before you could ſay Jack Robinſon. Well, and where do you think I'd land them now? You don't know; nor you don't know; how the devil ſhould you know. You don't underſtand geometry. Why I'll tell you where I'd land them; I would land them under the line, cloſe by the South Pole; th—ere I'd land them; and then I'd ambuſcade all the Spaniards back ſettlements; and take from them all their (—Pſhaw— You know what I mean well enough; all their—all them damn'd hard names mentioned in the news papers) all their Mexicos and their Perus, and their Dimont Iſlands! and then I'd come with a circumbendibus on the Dutch, in flat bottom'd boats; (becauſe ye know that is a flat bottom'd country) open the ſluices—let in the water—drown all the poor Dutch, and then we ſhould have the [17]turtles, and the Spice Iſlands, for n in Old England.

While our politician was thus going on with his plan, cenſuring men and meaſures he knew nothing about, and it happening at a time when our army lay encamped on one ſide of the river, and the French on the other; an officer in company, with his ſtick, gave our politician a wrap on the knuckles: What's that for? A—y? Only, Sir, replied the officer, coolly, to inform you, that that commander who croſſes a river to attack an enemy in front, may chance to get a wrap on the knuckles: that's all! The tran⯑ſition is eaſy from politicks to cunning.

Behold here the head of a ſharper. In Truth's Dictionary, under the article Cunning, is the verb, to ſharp; from whence the noun ſubſtantive ſharper: that we may offend no countrymen by the birth of our hero, be it known that he was born at ſea, on board a tranſport, in which his mother was humbly requeſted, by a rule of court, to take a ſeven years tour to America. At length, by his unſhaken reſolution, and matchleſs impudence, he acquired a for⯑tune of forty thouſand pounds.

This is his original face; a heavy, vulgar, incurious, down-looking, countenance: this was his holliday face, that he went into company with; and, under this maſk of affability he play'd off all his ſlight of hand artillery; and this was his face when he awoke at midnight, when Conſcience, aſſiſted by Memory, com⯑manded him to undergo a ſevere ſelf examination; for, as there was nothing too baſe for him to commit, ſo neither was there any thing ſo dreadful, but he had reaſon to fear. He lived in the ut⯑moſt dread, and died in the utmoſt deſpair; putting a period to his exiſtence with this: which, in the catalogue of medicines, bears this name^* He left all his fortune to the hoſpital for incurables, in Moorfields; that as he had got all his money by the incurables, ſo he was very willing, now he could make no farther uſe of it, to return it to the right owners.

Although he had lived a life ſo infamous, he was buried in all the to be purchaſed pomp: behold here the funeral of the gambler! and two of his torch bearers! Such is the partiality of fate, and ſuch the different rewards of merit and infamy; that, that ſoldier and ſailor, are employed at the price of a ſhilling, and glad too of that ſcanty pittance, to attend the gambler to his grave; the ſailor loſt his arm in one of the famous ſea fights where Sir Edward Hawke commanded; and the ſoldier loſt his leg, in one of the ſix-regiments who ſo bravely fought upon the plains of Minden. To ſhew, however, how we treat our ſoldiers and ſailors, when we have no occaſion for them, we will juſt beg leave to relate a ſtory that happened in the year 1745; when our army, was marching into the North, under the command of the gallant Duke of Cumber⯑land. [18]The landlord of the houſe where one of the ſoldiers hap⯑pened to be, began to take great notice of him; and would ſay to him, why honeſt fellow, ſays he, you ſoldiers are the pillars of the nation; you are the braveſt men in nature; without a ſtanding army we ſhould have no ſtanding corn; when you come home, pray come and ſee me, you, and your wife, and your children, and ſtay as long as you pleaſe, a week, a month, or a year, as long as you pleaſe, and make yourſelves welcome to every thing you find here; and he always wound up his invitation with telling him that ſoldiers were the pillars of the nation. When the affair at Culloden was happily over; our ſoldier called, rather to thank him for his kind invitation, than with any deſign to accept it. But, the danger being paſt, and peace being reſtored, be began to talk about large taxes, and ſtanding armies; and he did not know what occaſion there was for a pack of lobſtering dogs to be crawling about the country, eating up peoples victuals and drink. He ſaw no occaſion we had for ſoldiers now, not he, we had peace hadn't we? Why, cried, our ſoldier, with a generous diſdain, I did not invite myſelf, did not you tell me to come, me and my family, and we ſhould be welcome; and ſays he, did not you al⯑ways cloſe your invitation with ſaying, that we ſoldiers were the pillars of the nation?—pillars of the nation?—Well, I be⯑lieve I might ſay ſomething about pillars; but I meant—catter⯑pillars.

Thus, while true merit is neglected and deſpiſed, to ſhew how Genius and Science can condeſcend to decorate unworthineſs; behold here, the monument of the Gambler,—Juſtice and Com⯑paſſion, weeping over his medallion, and Honour deſcending with a crown of laurels, to reward his virtues; in the baſſo-relief, are four little boys repreſenting the cardinal virtues, as weeping for his death; but we, who are apt to moralize on things, rather think they are four little boys whoſe parents the gambler has ruined; and that they are now turned out of doors, and crying for cloaths to cover them.—This is the head of another kind of ſharper, 'tis the head of a Conjuror, or Fortune-Teller; not that he could ſee any further into futurity than other mortals: no, his art lay chiefly in a nice obſervation of the follies and paſſions which actuated the human ſpecies, but, chiefly, the fair part of the cre⯑ation; and by the help of a wand, gown, long beard, an old globe, and other abſtruce trumpery, he perſuaded his eaſy auditors that he converſed with the ſtars; and, according to the fee they gave him, he would deliver his plauſible prognoſtics,

Moſt people thought that he converſed with the Devil; yet to ſhew how little acquaintance he had with him, he was frightened to death, by the appearance of a large black dog, and the ſtrength of imagination, which made him believe the candles burnt blue. —From the head of one who lived by his wit, we proceed to a real wit; this is the famous Yorick, mentioned by Shake-ſpear, and Triſtram Shandy; and he is ſuppoſed to have a good deal of the family likeneſs: when we came to a diſſection of this head, we found one lobe of the brain ſwelled to a pro⯑digious ſize, and the other waſted almoſt to nothing: he lived ſo long depending on what others would do for him, that he was at length reduced to the neceſſity of aſking Charity: amongſt others of his reſting places, he one day ſet himſelf down at the door of a large manſion-houſe; ſome of the ſer⯑vants hearing he was a Wit, had him into the ſteward's par⯑lour; and where, according to the notion ſome people have of wit, they deſired he would be comical. One of them ſaid, if he was a wit, to be ſure he could run round the room with a red hot poker between his teeth.—The cook-maid ſaid, to be ſure if the gentleman was a wit, ſhe hoped he would be ſo kind, and ſo civil, and ſo obliging, and ſo condeſcending, and ſo complaiſant, and ſo good, and ſo ſubmiſſive, as to tell her fortune on the cards. —The butler was rather for a tune on the muſical glaſſes.— The groom ſaid, if ſo be as how the gentleman was a wit, why he could not do no leſs than ride three horſes at once.—The laundry maid, ſhe ſaid, to be ſure he could ſwallow a box-iron and heaters.—While they were thus debating, down came the French Mammeſelle, and ordered him to be turned out of doors, ſaying, "ſhe wondered vat Engliſh vit vas good for?"

Wit being thus turned out of doors, went to viſit Hoſpitality; but it being election time, there was no room for him there. He then paid his addreſſes to Merit; but Merit could do nothing for him, being at that time purſued by Faction. He then ad⯑dreſſed himſelf to Charity; and ſhe would have done any thing in the world to ſerve him; but, as ill luck would have it, ſhe was herſelf that very morning ran over by the biſhop's new ſet of coach horſes. He died, at length, of mere hunger; and was in⯑terred in the poor's burial-ground, after his friends had raiſed money to pay the ſurplice fees.

And the modes of Chriſtianity are ſuch in our days, that though any churchman may receive large benefices, yet if any churchman be found guilty of giving away any of the church's money in cha⯑rity, he would be thought guilty of being righteous overmuch.

[20]Behold here one of the righteous overmuch—yet nought doth he give away in charity! No! no! he is the bell-weather of the flock, who hath broken down Orthodox's bounds, and now riots on the common of Hypocriſy.—With one eye he looks up to Heaven, to make his congregation think he is devout, that's his ſpiritual eye; and with the other eye he looks down to ſee what he can get; and that's his carnal eye; and thus, with locks flowing down his face, he ſays, or ſeems to ſay, or at leaſt, with your permiſſion, we'll at⯑tempt to ſay for him—

Bretheren! Bretheren! Bretheren! The word bretheren comes from the Tabernacle, becauſe we all may breathe there—in.—If ye want rouzing, I'll rouze you: I'll beat a tattoo upon the parchment caſes of your conſciences, and whip the Devil about like a whirl-a-gig.—Even as the cat upon the top of the houſe doth ſquall out; even ſo, from the top of my voice, will I bawl out, and the organ pipes of my lungs ſhall play a voluntary among ye; and the ſweet words that I ſhall utter, ſhall ſugar candy over your ſouls, and make car⯑raway comfirts of your conſciences.—Do you know how many taylors make a man?—Why nine—Nine taylors make a man.— And how many make half a man?—Why four journeymen and a 'prentice.—Even ſo have you all been bound 'prentice to Miſ⯑ſolly the Faſhion maker; and now you are out of your times you have ſet up for yourſelves.—My great bowells, and my ſm—all guts groan for you.—I have got the gripe of compaſſion, and the belly-ach of pity.—Give me a dram—Do give me a dram —A dram of patience I mean, while I explain unto you, what reformation, and what abomination mean! which the worldly wicked have mixed together like potatoes and butter-milk, and therewith made a ſinful ſtir-about.—Reformation, is like the comely froth at the top of a tankard of porter;—and Abomination —is like the dregs at the bottom of the tap tub.—Have you carried your conſciences to the ſcowerers lately? Have you bought any ful⯑lers earth at my ſhop? to take the ſtains out?—You ſay, yes: you have! you have! you have!—But I ſay no: you lye! you lye! —I am no velvet mouth preacher; I ſcorn your lawn ſleeve language.—You are all full of filth; ye muſt be boil'd down in our Tabernacle, to make portable ſoup, for the ſaints to ſup a ladle⯑ful of; and then the ſcum, and the ſealdings of your iniquites, will boil over; and that is called the kitchen ſtuff of your conſciences, that ſerves to greaſe the cartwheels that carry us over the Devil's ditch; and the Devil's gap.—The Devil's ditch, that's among the jockeys at Newmarket; and the Devil's gap; that's among the other jockeys, the lawyern in Lincoln's inn fields.—And then there is the Devil among the Taylors, and the Devil among the Players; the Players, they play the Devil to pay:—The play-houſe is Satan's ground, where women ſtretch themſelves out upon the tenter-hooks of temptation.—Tragedy is the blank verſe of Beelze⯑bub;—Comedy is his haſty pudding; and—Pantomime is the [21]Devil's country dance.—And yet, you'll pay the players for ſee⯑ing plays; yes; yes; but you won't pay me: no; no; till Beelze⯑bub's bum bailiffs lay hold of you; and then you think I'll pay your garniſh; but I won't. No; you ſhall lay on the common ſide of the world, like a toad in a hole that is bak'd for the Devil's dinner.—Do put ſome money in the plate—Put ſome money in the plate;—and then all your iniquities ſhall be ſcalded away, even as they ſcald the briſtles off the hog's back; and you ſhall be cleanſed from all your ſins, as eaſily as the barber ſhaveth away the weekly beard from the chin of the ungodly.