CHAP. I.

I WAS born in the northern part of this united kingdom in the houſe of my grandfather, a gentleman of conſiderable fortune and influ⯑ence, who had on many occaſions ſignalized him⯑ſelf in behalf of his country; and was remarka⯑ble for his abilities in the law, which he exerciſed with great ſucceſs, in quality of a judge, particu⯑larly againſt beggars, for whom he had a ſingu⯑lar averſion.

My father, his youngeſt ſon, ſell in love with a poor relation, who lived with the old gentle⯑man, and performed the office of houſe-keeper; whom he privately eſpouſed; of which marriage I am the firſt fruit.—During her pregnancy, a dream diſcompoſed my mother ſo much, that my [2] father, tired with her importunity, at laſt conſulted a ſeer, whoſe favourable interpretation he would have ſecured before-hand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed, ſhe was de⯑livered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who to her great ſurprize, acted the part of a midwife) ſtruck ſo forcibly with a racket, that it diſap⯑peared in an inſtant; and ſhe was for ſome time inconſolable for the loſs of her off-ſpring; when all of a ſudden, ſhe beheld it return with equal violence, and earth itſelf beneath her feet, whence immediately ſprung up a goodly tree covered with bloſſoms, the ſcent of which operated ſo ſtrongly on her nerves that ſhe awoke.—The attentive ſage, after ſome deliberation, aſſured my parents, that their firſt-born would be a great traveller, that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at laſt return to his native land, where he would flouriſh with great reputation and happi⯑neſs.—How truly this was foretold, will appear in the ſequel.—It was not long before ſome of⯑ficious perſon informed my grandfather of fami⯑liarities that paſſed between his ſon and houſe⯑keeper, which alarmed him ſo much, that, a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to enter into the holy ſtate of ma⯑trimony, and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in juſtice have no ob⯑jections. My father, finding it would be im⯑poſſible to conceal his ſituation much longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excuſed himſelf for not having aſked the conſent of his father, by ſaying, he knew it would be to no purpoſe; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken ſuch meaſures as would have effectually put the gra⯑tification [3] of it out of his power: he added, that no exception could be made to his wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good ſenſe, and as for for⯑tune, it was beneath his conſideration.—The old gentleman, who kept all his paſſions (except one) in excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper; and then calmly asked, how he propoſed to maintain himſelf and ſpouſe?—He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting, while his father's tenderneſs remained, which he and his wife would always cheriſh with the utmoſt veneration; that he was perſuaded his allowance would be ſuitable to the dignity and circum⯑ſtances of his family, and the proviſion already made to his brothers and ſiſters, who were hap⯑pily ſettled under his protection.—Your brothers and ſiſters, ſaid my grandfather, did not think it beneath them to conſult me in an affair of ſuch importance as matrimony; neither (I ſuppoſe) would you have omitted that piece of duty, had you not ſome ſecret fund in reſerve, to the com⯑forts of which I leave you, with a deſire that you will this night, ſeek out another habitation for yourſelf and wife, whither in a ſhort time, I will ſend you an account of the [...]pence I have been at in your education, with a view of being reimburſed.—Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a polite gentleman—a very pretty gen⯑tleman—I wiſh you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble ſervant. So ſaying, he left my father in a ſituation eaſily imagined. However, he did not long heſitate; for lbeing perfectly well acquainted with his father's diſpoſition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and as his reſolves were invariable like the laws of the Medes and Perſians, he knew [4] it would be to no purpoſe to attempt him by prayers and intreaties; ſo without any farther application, he betook himſelf with his diſconſo⯑late bedfellow, to a farm-houſe, where an old ſervant of his mother dwelt; there they remain⯑ed ſome time in a ſituation but ill adapted to the elegance of their deſires and tenderneſs of their love; which nevertheleſs, my father en⯑dured, rather than ſupplicate an unnatural and in⯑flexible parent: but my mother, foreſeeing the inconveniencies ſhe would be expoſed to, if ſhe muſt be delivered in this place (and her pregnan⯑cy was very far advanced) without communicat⯑ing her deſign to her huſband, went in diſguiſe to the houſe of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compaſ⯑ſion, and reconcile him to an event which could not otherwiſe be amended—She found means to deceive the ſervants, and was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of ſome matrimonial grievances, it being my grand⯑father's particular province to decide in all caſes of ſcandal. She was accordingly admitted into his preſence, where diſcovering herſelf, ſhe ſell at his ſeet, and in the moſt affecting manner, im⯑plored his forgiveneſs; at the ſame time, repre⯑ſenting the danger that threatned not only her life, but that of his own grandchild which was about to ſee the light.—He told her, he was ſorry that the indiſcretion of her and his ſon had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any aſſiſtance—That he had already imparted his thoughts on that ſub⯑ject to her huſband, and was ſurpriſed that they ſhould diſturb his peace with any further importu⯑nity.—This ſaid, he retired.—The violence of [5] my mother's affliction had ſuch an effect on her conſtitution, that ſhe was immediately ſeized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old maid-ſervant to whom ſhe was very dear, afford⯑ed her pity and aſſiſtance, at the hazard of in⯑curring my grandfather's diſpleaſure, ſhe and the innocent fruit of her womb muſt have fallen miſerable victims to his rigour and inhumanity.—By the friendſhip of this poor woman, ſhe was carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man-child, the ſtory of whoſe unfortunate birth, he himſelf now relates.—My father being informed of what had happened, flew to the em⯑braces of his darling ſpouſe, and while he loaded his off ſpring with paternal careſſes, could not forbear ſhedding a flood of tears, on behold⯑ing the dear partner of his heart (for whoſe eaſe he would have ſacrificed the treaſures of the eaſt) ſtretched upon a flock-bed, in a miſerable apart⯑ment, unable to protect her from the inclemen⯑cies of the weather.—It is not to be ſuppoſed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what paſſed, tho' he affected to know nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much ſurprized, when the ſon of his deceaſed eldeſt ſon, a pert boy, who lived with him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to preſerve no medium, but immediate⯑ly (on the third day after her delivery) ſent her a peremptory order to begone, and turned off the ſervant who had preſerved her life. This be⯑haviour ſo exaſperated my father, that he had recourſe to the moſt dreadful imprecations, and on his bare knees implored that heaven would renounce him, if ever he ſhould forget or for⯑give the barbarity of his fire.—The injuries [6] which this unhappy mother received from her removal in ſuch circumſtances, and the want of neceſſaries where ſhe lodged, together with her grief and anxiety of mind, ſoon threw her into a languiſhing diſorder which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was ſo affected with her death, that he remained ſix weeks deprived of his ſenſes; during which time, the people where he lodged, carried the infant to the old man, who relented ſo far, on hearing the melancholy ſtory of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable condition of his ſon, that he ſent the child to nurſe, and ordered my father to be carried home to his houſe, where he ſoon re⯑covered the uſe of his reaſon.—Whether this hard-hearted judge felt any remorſe for his cruel treatment of his ſon and daughter; or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would ſuffer in the neighbourhood; he profeſſed great ſorrow for his conduct to my father, whoſe de⯑lirium was ſucceeded by a profound melancholy and reſerve. At length he diſappeared, and not⯑withſtanding all imaginable inquiry, could never be heard of, which confirmed moſt people in the opinion of his having made away with himſelf in a fit of deſpair.—How I underſtood the parti⯑culars of my birth, will appear in the courſe of theſe memoirs.

CHAP. II.

THERE were not wanting ſome, who ſuſpected my uncles of being concerned in my father's fate, on the ſuppoſition that they would all ſhare in the patrimony deſtined for him: and this conjecture ſeemed ſupported by reflecting, that in all his calamities they never diſcovered the leaſt inclination to ſerve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father's reſentment, and ſtrength⯑ened his reſolution of leaving him to miſery and want.—But people of judgment treated this in⯑ſinuation as an idle chimera; becauſe had my re⯑lations been ſo wicked as to conſult their intereſt by committing ſuch an attrocious crime. the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whoſe life was another obſtacle to their expecta⯑tion.—Mean while, I grew apace, and as I ſtrongly reſembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent circumſtances could af⯑ford: but their favour was a weak reſource againſt the jealous enmity of my couſins; who, the more my infancy promiſed, con⯑ceived [8] the more implacable hatred againſt me; and before I was ſix years of age, had ſo effec⯑tually blockaded my grandfather, that I never ſaw him but by ſtealth; when I ſometimes made up to his chair as he fat to view his labourers in the field: on which occaſions, he would ſtroak my head, bid me be a good boy, and promiſe he would take care of me.—I was ſoon after ſent to ſchool at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind: but as he neither paid for my board, nor ſupplied me with clothes, books, and other neceſſaries I required, my con⯑dition was very ragged and contemptible, and the ſchoolmaſter, who through fear of my grand⯑father taught me gratis, gave himſelf no concern about the progreſs I made under his inſtruction.—In ſpite of all theſe difficulties and diſgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and as ſoon as I could write tolerably, peſtered my grandfather with letters to ſuch a degree, that he ſent for my maſter, and chid him ſevere⯑ly for beſtowing ſuch pains on my education, tel⯑ling him, that if ever I ſhould be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood ſhould lie on his head.—The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the diſpleaſure of his patron, aſſured his honour that the boy's ability was more owing to his own ge⯑nius and application, than to any inſtruction or encouragement he received; that, although he could not diveſt him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unleſs he would impower him to diſable his fingers, he ſhould endeavour, with G—d's help, to prevent his future improvement. And indeed, he punctually performed what he he had undertaken: for, on pretence that I had [9] wrote impertinent letters to my grandfather, he cauſed a board to be made with five holes in it, through which he thruſt the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and faſtened it by whip-cord to my wriſt, in ſuch a manner, that I was effec⯑tually debarr'd the uſe of my pen. But this re⯑ſtraint I was freed from in a few days, by an ac⯑cident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy, who taking upon him to inſult my poverty, I was ſo incenſed at this ungene⯑rous reproach, that with one ſtroke of my ma⯑chine, I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myſelf and ſchool-fellows, who left him bleed⯑ing on the ground, and ran to inform the maſter of what had happened. I was ſo ſeverely pu⯑niſhed for this treſpaſs, that, were I to live to the age of Methuſalem, the impreſſion it made on me would not be effaced; no more than the an⯑tipathy and horror I conceived for the mercileſs tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced, in all who ſaw me, the continual wants I was expoſed to, and my own haughty diſpoſition, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thouſand troubleſome adventures, by which I was at length enured to adverſity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly ſcourged for crimes I did not commit, becauſe having the character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of miſchief whoſe author lay unknown, was charged upon me.—I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of ſtealing gingerbread I ne⯑ver touched, and of abuſing old women I never ſaw.—Nay, a ſtammering carpenter had eloquence enough to perſuade my maſter, that I fired a [10] piſtol loaded with ſmall ſhot, into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witneſs, that I was a-bed faſt aſleep at the time when this outrage was committed.—I was flogged for having narrowly eſcaped drowning, by the ſinking of a ferry-boat in which I was paſſenger.—Another time for having recovered of a bruiſe occaſioned by a horſe and cart running over me.—A third time, for being bit by a baker's dog.—In ſhort, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the vengeance and ſympathy of this arbitrary pe⯑dagogue were the ſame. Far from being ſubdued by this inſernal uſage, my indignation triumphed over that ſlaviſh awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increaſed, the more I perceived the in⯑juſtice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our uſher, who had ſerved my fa⯑ther in his travels, I made a ſurpriſing progreſs in the claſſicks, writing and arithmetick; ſo that before I was twelve years old, I was confeſſedly the beſt ſcholar in the ſchool: This qualification, together with a boldneſs of temper, and ſtrength of make, which had ſubjected almoſt all my cotemporaries, gave me ſuch influence over them, that I began to form cabals againſt my perſecutor; and was in hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very ſhort time.—Being at the head of a faction conſiſting of thirty boys, moſt of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettal to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand ſcheme in execution: with this view we attacked a body of ſtout apprentices, who had taken poſſeſſion of a part of the ground allotted [11] to us, for the ſcene of our diverſions; and who were then playing at nine-pins on the ſpot: but I had the mortification to ſee my adherents routed in an inſtant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the bowl, which one of our adver⯑ſaries had detached in purſuit of us.—This diſ⯑comfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards, in frequent skirmiſhes which we maintained by throwing ſtones at a diſtance, wherein I received many wounds, the ſears of which ſtill remain. Our enemies were ſo haraſ⯑ſed and interrupted by theſe alarms, that they at laſt abandoned their conqueſt, and left us to the peace⯑able enjoyment of our own territories.—It would be endleſs to enumerate the exploits we performed in the courſe of this conſederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; inſomuch, that when different intereſts divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the aſſiſtance of Ro⯑derick Random (by which name I was known) to caſt the balance, and keep the oppoſite ſection in awe.—Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day, to preſent myſelf before my grandfather, to whom I ſeldom found acceſs, by reaſon of his being ſo cloſely beſieged by a numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themſelves, never failed to join againſt me, as the common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing elſe, notwithſtanding his grandfather's indul⯑gence, in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who at the ſame time performed the office of pariſh clerk. This young Acteon, who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to eve⯑ry [12] thing in diſtreſs, never ſet eyes on me, without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into ſome cottage or other, whither I generally fled for ſhelter. In this chriſtian amuſement, he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took ſuch opportunities to ingratiate himſelf with the riſing ſun, obſerving that the old gentleman, ac⯑cording to courſe of nature, had not long to live, being already on the verge of fourſcore.—The behaviour of this raſcally ſycophant incenſed me ſo much, that one day, when I was be⯑leagured by him and his hounds into a farmer's houſe, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent markſman) with a large pebble, which ſtruck out four of his fore⯑teeth, and effectually incapacitated him for doing the office of a clerk ever after.

CHAP. III.

ABOUT this time, my mother's only bro⯑ther, who had been long abroad, lieutenant of a man of war, arrived in his own country; where being informed of my condition, he came to ſee me, and out of his ſlender finances, not only ſupplied me with what neceſſaries I wanted for the preſent, but reſolved not to leave the [13] country, until he had prevailed on my grandfa⯑ther to ſettle ſomething handſome for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant not only of the judge's diſpoſition, but alſo unacquainted with the ways of men in general, to which his edu⯑cation on board had kept him an utter ſtranger.—He was a ſtrong built man, ſomewhat bandy⯑legged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which (you might eaſily perceive) had with⯑ſtood the moſt obſtinate aſſaults of the weather.—His dreſs conſiſted of a ſoldier's coat altered for him by the ſhip's taylor, a ſtripped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches japanned with pitch, clean grey worſted ſtockings, large ſilver buckles that covered three-fourths of his ſhoes, a ſilver⯑laced hat whoſe crown over-looked the brims a⯑bout an inch and a half, a black bob wig in the buckle, a check ſhirt, a ſilk handkerchief, an hanger with a braſs handle girded to his thigh by a tarniſhed laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm.—Thus equipt, he ſet out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent ap⯑pearance) for my grandfather's houſe, where we were ſaluted by Jowler and Caeſar, whom my couſin, young maſter, had let looſe at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of theſe curs, I was about to betake myſelf to my heels, when my uncle ſeizing me with one hand, brandiſhed his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caeſar ſprawling on the ground: but finding himſelf attacked at the ſame time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caeſar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheel'd about, and by a lucky ſtroke, ſevered Jowler's head from his bo⯑dy.—By this time, the young fox-hunter and [14] three ſervants armed with pitch-forks and flails were come to the aſſiſtance of the dogs, whom they found breathleſs upon the field. My couſin was ſo provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curſes and reproaches his an⯑ger could ſuggeſt.—Upon which my uncle ſtepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the ſight of whoſe bloody weapon, his antagoniſts fell back with precipitation; when he accoſted their leader thus:—‘"Lookée, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what I did was in my own deſence.—So you had beſt be civil, and let us ſhoot a-head, clear of you."’ Whether the young 'ſquire miſinterpreted my uncle's deſire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his uſual pitch of re⯑ſolution, I know not; but he ſnatched a flall from one of his followers, and came up with a ſhew of aſſaulting the lieutenant, who putting himſelf into a poſture of defence, proceeded thus:—‘"Lookée, you lubberly ſon of a w—e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your gingerbread⯑work.—I'll be foul of your quarter, d—n me."’ This declaration followed by a ſlouriſh of his hanger, ſeemed to check the progreſs of the young gentleman's choler, who, upon turn⯑ing about, perceived his attendants had ſlunk in⯑to the houſe, ſhut the gate, and left him to de⯑cide the contention by himſelf.—Here a parley enſued, which was introduced by my couſin's asking, ‘"Who the d—l are you?—What do you want?—Some ſcoundrel of a ſeaman (I ſup⯑poſe) who has deſerted and turned thief.—But don't think you ſhall eſcape, ſirrah,—I'll have [15] you hanged, you dog,—I will.—Your blood ſhall pay for that of my two hounds, you ra⯑gamuffin.—I would not have parted with them to ſave your whole generation from the gal⯑lows, you ruffian, you."—’ ‘"None of your jaw, you ſwab,—none of your jaw (replied my uncle) elſe I ſhall trim your laced jacket for you—I ſhall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy—I ſhall."—’So ſaying, he ſheathed his hanger and graſped his cudgel. Mean-while the people of the houſe being alarm'd, one of my female couſins opened a window, and aſked what was the matter?—‘"The matter! (anſwered the lieutenant) no great matter, young woman.—I have buſineſs with the old gentle⯑man, and this ſpark, belike, won't allow me to come along ſide of him, that's all."—’After a few minutes pauſe, we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's chamber, through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very ſignificant looks, as I paſſed along.—When we came into the judge's preſence, my uncle, after two or three ſea-bows, expreſſed himſelf in this manner:—‘"Your ſervant, your ſervant.—What chear, father? what chear?—I ſuppoſe you don't know me—may hap you don't.—My name is Tom Bowling,—and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither,—'tis like you mayn't.—He's new-rigged, i' faith;—his cloth don't ſhake in the wind ſo much as it wont to do.—'Tis my nephew, d'ye ſee, Roderick Random,—your own fleſh and blood, old gentleman. don't lag a ſtern, you dog, don't (pulling me forward)."’ My grandfather (who was laid⯑up with the gout) received this relation, after his [16] long abſence, with that civility and coldneſs which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to ſee him, and deſired him to ſit down.—‘"Thank ye, thank ye, ſir, I had as lief ſtand, (ſaid my uncle) for my own part, I deſire nothing of you; but if you have any conſcience at all, do ſomething for this poor boy, who has been uſed at a very unchriſtian rate.—Un⯑chriſtian do I call it?—I am ſure the Moors in Barbary, have more humanity than to leave their little ones to miſery and want.—I would fain know, why my ſiſter's ſon is more ne⯑glected than that there Fair-weather Jack,"’ (pointing to the young 'ſquire, who with the reſt of my couſins, had followed us into the room.) ‘"Is he not as near a-kin to you as the other?—Is not he much handſomer and better built than that great chucklehead?—Come, come, con⯑ſider, old gentleman, you are going in a ſhort time, to give an account of your evil actions.—Remember the wrongs you did his father; and make all the ſati [...]faction in your power, before it be too late.—The leaſt thing you can do, is to ſettle his father's portion on him."—’The young ladies, who thought themſelves too much concerned, to contain themſelves any long⯑er, ſet up their throats altogether againſt my protector, who ſtopped his ears with his fin⯑gers, and cried out, that all the devils in hell had broke looſe upon him.—‘"Scurvy companion,—ſawcy tarpawlin,—rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to preſcribe to grandpapa—His ſiſter's brat had been too well taken care of,—Grandpapa was too juſt not to make a diffe⯑rence between an unnatural rebellious ſon, and his dutiful loving children who took his advice [17] in all things;"’ and ſuch expreſſions, were le⯑velled againſt him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded ſilence.—He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he ſaid he would excuſe on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at ſchool ſeven or eight years, although he was informed he made no progreſs in his learning; but was ad⯑dicted to all manner of vice, which he the rather believed, becauſe he himſelf was witneſs to a barbarous piece of miſchief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain.—But however, he would ſee what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to ſome honeſt tradeſman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and be⯑have for the future, as became him.—The ho⯑neſt tar (whoſe pride and indignation boiled with⯑in him) anſwered my grandfather; that it was true he had ſent him to ſchool, but it had coſt him nothing, for he had never been at one ſhil⯑ling expence, to furniſh him with food, raiment, books, or other neceſſaries; ſo, that it was not to be much wondered at, if the boy made ſmall progreſs; and yet, whoever told him ſo, was guilty of a damn'd lie, for he was allowed by thoſe who underſtood thoſe matters, to be the beſt ſcholar of his age, in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half year's pay on the boy's head;—(with theſe words he pulled out his purſe, and challenged the company.)—Neither is he addicted to vice, as you affirm, but very much expoſed to ill uſage, by your neglect, on which occaſions, d'ye ſee, he never fails to ſhew his ſpirit, which has been miſrepreſented to you.—As for what [18] happened to your chaplain, I am only ſorry, that he did not knock out the ſcoundrel's brains, inſtead of his teeth.—By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Green⯑land,—that's all.—Thank you for your courteous offer, of binding the lad apprentice to a tradeſman, I ſuppoſe you would make a taylor of him—would you?—I had rather ſee him hang'd, d'ye ſee.—Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my boy,—let's tack about, i' faith,—while I have a ſhilling thou ſhan't want a teſter.—B'wye, old gentleman, you're bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill provided for the voyage.—Thus ended our viſit, and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curſes all the way againſt the old ſhark and the young fry that ſurrounded him.

CHAP. IV.

A FEW weeks after our firſt viſit, we were informed that the old judge, after a fit of thoughtfulneſs, which laſted three days, had ſent for a notary and made his will; that the diſtem⯑per had mounted from his legs to his ſtomach, and being conſcious of his approaching end, he had deſired to ſee all his deſcendants without ex⯑ception.—In obedience to this ſummons, my [19] uncle ſet out with me a ſecond time, to receive the laſt benediction of my grandfather; often repeating by the road, ‘"Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at laſt.—You ſhall ſee,—you ſhall ſee the effect of my admonition."—’When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bed-ſide, where we ſound him in his laſt agonies, ſupported by two of his grand-daughters, who ſat on each ſide of him, fobbing moſt piteouſly, and wiping away the froth and ſlaver as it ga⯑thered on his lips, which they frequently kiſſed with a ſhew of great anguiſh and affection.—I know not whether or not he perceived my uncle, who approached him with theſe words, ‘"What! he's not a weigh.—How fare ye,—how fare ye, old gentleman?—Lord have mercy upon your poor ſinful ſoul."—’But the dying man turned his ſunken eyes towards us,—when my uncle went on.—‘"Here's poor Rory come to ſee you before you die and receive your bleſ⯑ſing.—What man! don't deſpair,—you have been a great ſinner, 'tis true,—what then? There's a righteous judge above,—isn't there? He minds me no more than a porpuſs.—Yes, yes, he's a going,—the land crabs will have him, I ſee that;—his anchor's a peak, i' faith!"—’This homely conſolation ſcandalized the com⯑pany ſo much, and eſpecially the parſon, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room, where in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grand⯑father's deceaſe, by a diſmal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately haſtened, and found his heir, who had retired a little [20] before, into a cloſet under pretence of giving vent to his ſorrow, asking, with a countenance beſlub⯑bered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead?—‘"Dead! (ſays my uncle, looking at the body) ay, ay, I'll warrant him as dead as a herring.—Odd's fiſh! now my dream is out for all the world.—I thought I ſtood upon the Fore-caſtle, and ſaw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead ſhark that floated along⯑ſide, and the devil perching on our ſprit-fail⯑yard, in the likeneſs of a blue bear—who, d'ye ſee, jumped over-board upon the carcaſe, and carried it to the bottom in his claws."—’ ‘"Out upon thee, reprobate (cries the parſon) out upon thee, blaſphemous wretch!—Doſt thou think his honour's ſoul is in the poſſeſſion of Satan?"—’The clamour immediately aroſe, and my poor uncle, who was ſhouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and ſwear he would turn out for no man, till ſuch time as he knew who had a title to ſend him a-drift.—‘"None of your tricks upon travellers (ſaid he;) may hap, old buff has leſt my kinſman here, his heir;—If he has, it will be the better for his miſerable ſoul.—Odd's bob! I'd deſire no better news.—I'd ſoon make a clear ſhip, I warrant you."—’To avoid any farther diſturb⯑ance, one of my grandfather's executors, who was preſent, aſſured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew ſhould have all manner of juſtice; that a day ſhould be appointed, after the funeral, for examining the papers of the deceaſed, in preſence of all his re⯑lations; till ſuch time every desk and cabinet in the houſe ſhould remain cloſe ſealed; and that he was very welcome to be witneſs of this ceremony, [21] which was immediately performed to his ſatiſ⯑faction.—In the mean time, orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included: but my uncle would not ſuffer me to accept of it, until I ſhould be aſ⯑ſured whether or no I had reaſon to honour his memory ſo far.—During this interval, the con⯑jectures of people, with regard to the old gentle⯑man's will, were various: as it was well known, he had, beſides his landed eſtate, which was worth 700l. per annum, ſix or ſeven thouſand pounds at intereſt. Some imagined, that the whole real eſtate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my female couſins (five in num⯑ber) and me.—Others were of opinion, that as the reſt of his children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hun⯑dred pounds to each of his grand-daughters, and leave the bulk of the ſum to me, to atone for his unnatural uſage towards my father.—At length the important hour arrived, and the will was produced in the midſt of the expectants, whoſe looks and geſtures formed a groupe that would have been very entertaining to an uncon⯑cerned ſpectator.—But the reader can ſcarce con⯑ceive the aſtoniſhment and mortification that ap⯑peared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young 'ſquire ſole heir of all his grandfather's eſtate perſonal and real.—My uncle, who had liſtened with great attention, ſucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied theſe words of the attorney with a ſtare, and whew, that alarmed the whole aſſembly. The eldeſt and perteſt of my female competitors, who had been [22] always very officious about my grandfather's per⯑ſon, enquired with a faultering accent, and viſage as yellow as an orange, ‘"if there were no le⯑gacies?"’ ſhe was anſwered, ‘"none at all."—’Upon which ſhe fainted away.—The reſt, whoſe expectations (perhaps) were not ſo ſanguine, ſupported their diſappointment with more reſolu⯑tion; though not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at leaſt as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentle⯑man's death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for ſome time againſt the wainſcot, began: ‘"So there's no legacy, friend, ha!—here's an old Succubus;—but ſomebody's ſoul howls for it, d—n me!"—’The parſon of the pariſh, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghoſtly director of the old man, no ſooner heard this, than he cried out, ‘"Avaunt, unchriſtian reveler! avaunt! wilt thou not al⯑low the ſoul of his honour to reſt in the grave till the reſurrection?"—’But this zealous paſtor did not find himſelf ſo warmly ſeconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle againſt him, and accuſed him of hav⯑ing acted the part of a buſy-body with their grand⯑papa, whoſe ears he had moſt certainly abuſed by falſe ſtories to their prejudice, or elſe he would not have neglected them, in ſuch an unnatural manner.—The young 'ſquire was much diverted with this ſcene, and whiſpered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have ſhewn him glorious ſun, by hunting a black bad⯑ger (ſo he term'd the clergyman).—The ſurly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to reliſh this amuſement, replied, ‘"you and your dogs may be damned.—I ſuppoſe you'll find them [23] with your old dad, in the latitude of hell.—Come, Rory—about ſhip, my lad, we muſt ſteer another courſe, I think."—’and away we went.

CHAP. V.

ON our way back to the village, my uncle ſpoke not a word during the ſpace of a whole hour, but whiſtled with great vehemence, the tune of, Why ſhould we quarrel for riches, &c. his viſage being contracted all the while into a moſt formidable ſrown. At length his pace was increaſed to ſuch a degree, that I was often left behind a conſiderable way, which when he per⯑ceived, he would wait for me; and when I was almoſt up with him, call out in a ſurly tone, ‘"Bear a hand, damme!—muſt I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog."—’Then laying hold of me by the arm, haul me along, until his good nature (of which he had a good ſhare) and reflection, getting the better of his paſſion, he would ſay, ‘"Come, my boy, don't be caſt down,—the old raſcal is in hell,—that's ſome ſatisfaction;—you ſhall go to ſea with me, my lad.—A light heart and a thin pair of breeches, goes thro' the world, brave boys; as the ſong goes—eh!"—’Though this propoſal did [24] not at all ſuit my inclination, I was afraid of diſ⯑covering my averſion to it, leſt I ſhould diſoblige the only friend I had in the world; and he was ſo much a ſeaman, that he never dreamt I could have any objection to his deſign; conſequently, gave himſelf no trouble in conſulting my appro⯑bation. But this reſolution was ſoon dropt, at the advice of our uſher, who aſſured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thouſand pities to baulk my genius, which would certainly, one day, make my for⯑tune on ſhore, provided it received due cultiva⯑tion.—Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford it) to give me univer⯑ſity education; and accordingly, ſettled my board and other expences, at a town not many miles diſtant, famous for its colleges, whither we re⯑paired in a ſhort time.—But before the day of our departure, the ſchool-maſter, who no longer had the fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aſide all decency and reſtraint, and not only abuſed me in the groſſeſt language his rancour could ſuggeſt, as a wicked profligate, dull, beggarly miſcreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but alſo inveighed in the moſt bitter manner a⯑gainſt the memory of the judge (who by the bye had procured that ſettlement for him) hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman's ſoul was damn'd to all eternity, for his injuſtice in neglecting to pay for my learning.—This brutal behaviour, added to the ſufferings I had formerly undergone, made me think it high time to be revenged of this inſolent pedagogue. Hav⯑ing conſulted my adherents, I found them all ſtaunch in their promiſes to ſtand by me; and our ſcheme was this:—In the afternoon preceed⯑ing the day of departure for the univerſity, I [25] was to take the advantage of the uſher's go⯑ing out to make water (which he regularly did at four o'clock) and ſhut the great door, that he might not come to the aſſiſtance of his ſupe⯑rior. This being done, the aſſault was to be be⯑gun, by my advancing to the maſter and ſpitting in his face. I was to be ſeconded by two of the ſtrongeſt boys in the ſchool, who were devoted to me; their buſineſs was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laīd, and his bare poſteriors heartily flogged with his own birch, which we propoſed to wreſt from him in the ſtruggle; but if we ſhould find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the aſſiſtance of our competitors, who ſhould be ready to reinforce us, or oppoſe any thing that might be undertaken by the reſt of the boys for the maſter's relief. One of my principal aſ⯑ſiſtants was called Jeremy Gawky, ſon and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the ca⯑det of a family which had given ſhoemakers to the village time out of mind.—I had once ſaved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river where he was on the point of being drowned, and by the help of ſwimming, dragging him aſhore; I had often reſcued him from the clutches of thoſe whom his inſufferable arrogance had provoked, to a reſentment he was not able to ſuſtain;—and I had many times ſaved his reputation and poſteriors, by performing his exerciſes at ſchool; ſo that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular regard for me and my intereſts. The attachment of Strap, flowed from a voluntary, diſintereſted inclination, which had manifeſted itſelf on many occaſions in my behalf, having once rendered me [26] the ſame ſervice as I had afforded to Gawky, by ſaving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences I had committed, for which he ſuffered ſeverely, rather than I ſhould feel the the weight of the puniſhment I deſerved.—Theſe two champions were the more willing to engage in this enterprize, as they intended to leave the ſchool next day, as well as I; the firſt being or⯑dered by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.

In the mean time, my uncle being informed of my maſter's behaviour to me, was enraged be⯑yond all compoſition, and vowed revenge ſo heartily, that I could not refrain from telling him the ſcheme I had concerted, which he heard with great ſatisfaction, at every ſentence ſquirting out a mouthful of ſpittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he conſtantly chewed a large quid.—At laſt, pulling up his breeches, he cried, ‘"No, no, Z—ds! that won't do neither,—howſomever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad,—that I muſt ſay, i' faith!—but lookée, lookée, how doſt propoſe to get clear off?—won't the enemy give chace, my boy?—ay, ay, that he will, I warrant—and alarm the whole coaſt—ah! G—d help thee, more ſail than ballaſt, Rory.—Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me—I'll ſhew him the fore⯑top-ſail, I will.—If ſo be that your ſhip-mates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you ſhall ſee, you ſhall ſee; egad, I'll play him a ſalt-water trick—I'll bring him to the gang-way, and anoint him with a cat and nine tails,—he ſhall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he ſhall—and be left laſhed, to his medita⯑tions."—’We [27] were very proud of our aſ⯑ſociate, who immediately went to work, and pre⯑pared the inſtrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and ſent off, a day be⯑fore our attempt, and got horſes ready to be mounted, as ſoon as the affair ſhould be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, ſeizing the opportunity of the uſher's abſence, bolted in, ſecured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who bawled out ‘"Murder! Thieves!"—’with the voice of a ſtentor. Though I trembled all over like an aſpen⯑leaſ, I knew there was no time to be loſt, and accordingly got up, and ſummoned our aſſociates to my aſſiſtance.—Strap without any heſitation obeyed the ſignal, and ſeeing me leap upon the maſter's back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force, this dreadful adverſary was ſoon humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of an univerſal tre⯑pidation, haſtened to the ſcene of action, and in⯑ſulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole ſchool joined.—This noiſe a⯑larmed the uſher, who finding himſelf ſhut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by en⯑treaties, to procure admiſſion.—My uncle bid him have a little patience, and he would let him in preſently; but if he pretended to move from that place, it ſhould fare the worſe with the ſon of a b—ch his ſuperior, on whom he in⯑tended only to beſtow a little wholeſome chaſtife⯑ment, for his barbarous uſage of Rory, ‘"to which (ſaid he) you are no ſtranger."—’By this time we had dragged the criminal to a poſt, [28] to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpoſe, after having faſtened his hands behind his back, pulled down his breeches, and tucked up his garments and ſhirt, as far as they would go—In this ludicrous poſture he ſtood (to the no ſmall entertainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and ſhouted with great exultation at the novelty of the ſight) vent⯑ing bitter imprecations againſt the lieutenant, and reproaching his ſcholars with treachery and re⯑bellion: when the uſher was admitted, whom my uncle accoſted in this manner: ‘"Harkée, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honeſt man, d'ye ſee—and I have a reſpect for you—but for all that, we muſt for our own ſecurity (d'ye ſee) belay you for a ſhort time."—’With theſe words, he pulled out ſome fathoms of cord, which the honeſt man no ſooner ſaw, than he proteſted with great earneſtneſs, that he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the ſame time accuſing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling repreſenting, that it was in vain to reſiſt, and that he did not mean to uſe him with violence and indecency; but only to hinder him from raiſing the hue and cry againſt us, before we ſhould be out of their power; he allowed himſelf to be bound to his own desk, where he ſat a ſpectator of the puniſhment inflicted on his principal. My uncle having unbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him, that he propoſed to give him a little diſcipline for the good of his ſoul: which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and dexterity. This ſmart application to the pedant's withered pofte⯑riors, gave him ſuch exquiſite pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, curſed, blaſphemed, and [29] acted to the life, the part of a frantick bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himſelf ſufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in theſe words, ‘"Now, friend, you'll remember me the longeſt day you have to live—I have given you a leſſon, that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more ſympathy for the future—ſhout, boys, ſhout."—’This ceremony was no ſooner over, than my uncle propoſed they ſhould quit the ſchool, and convoy their old comrade Rory to a public houſe, a⯑bout a mile from the village, where he would treat them all.—This offer being joyfully em⯑braced, he addreſſed himſelf to Mr Syntax, and begged him to accompany us, which he refuſed with great diſdain, telling my benefactor, that he was not the man he took him to be—‘"Well, well, old ſurly (replied my uncle, ſhaking his hand) thou art an honeſt fellow notwithſtanding; and if ever I have the command of a ſhip, thou ſhalt be ſchool maſter, i' faith."’ So ſaying, he diſmiſſed the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to conſole one another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his promiſe.—We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten miles ſhort of the town where I was to re⯑main, at which we arrived next day, and I found I had no cauſe to complain of the accommodations provided for me; being boarded at the houſe of an apothecary, who had married a diſtant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle ſet out for his ſhip, after having ſettled the neceſ⯑ſary funds for my maintenance and education.

CHAP. VI.

AS I was now capable of reflection, I began to conſider my precarious ſituation; that I was utterly abandoned by thoſe whoſe duty it was to protect me; and that my ſole dependance was on the generoſity of one man, who was not only expoſed by his profeſſion, to continual dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but alſo (no doubt) ſubject to thoſe viciſſitudes of diſpoſition, which a change of for⯑tune uſually creates; or, which a better acquaint⯑ance with the world might produce:—for I al⯑ways aſcribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind.—Alarmed at theſe conſiderations, I re⯑ſolved to apply myſelf with great care to my ſtudies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: This I did with ſuch ſucceſs, that in the ſpace of three years, I underſtood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no ſtranger to moral and natural philoſophy: logick I made no account of; but above all things, I valued myſelf on my taſte in the Belle Lettre, [31] and a talent for poetry, which had already pro⯑duced ſome morceaus, that brought me a great deal of reputation. Theſe qualifications added to a good face and ſhape, acquired the eſteem and acquaintance of the moſt conſiderable people in town, and I had the ſatisfaction to find myſelf in ſome degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxi⯑cating piece of good fortune, to one of my a⯑morous complexion! which I obtained, or at leaſt preſerved, by gratifying their propenſity to ſcandal, in lampooning their rivals.—Two of my female couſins lived in this place, with their mother, after the death of their father, who left his whole fortune (which was conſiderable) equal⯑ly divided between them; ſo that if they were not the moſt beautiful, they were at leaſt the richeſt toaſts in town; and received daily the addreſſes of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country.—Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the moſt ſupercilious contempt, which I endeavoured to return by the moſt per⯑fect neglect, my character now attracted their notice ſo much, that I was given to underſtand, I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleaſed.—The reader will eaſily perceive, that this condeſcenſion either flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity ſubſervient to their malice, or at leaſt of ſcreening themſelves from the laſh of my reſentment, which they effectual⯑ly provoked.—I enjoyed this triumph with great rapture; and not only rejected their offer with diſdain, but, in all my performances, whether ſa⯑tire or panegyric, induſtriouſly avoided mention⯑ing their names, even while I celebrated thoſe of their intimates, which mortified their pride ex⯑ceedingly, and incenſed them to ſuch a degree, [32] that they rendered themſelves univerſally ridi⯑culous in ſatisfying their reſentment againſt me.—The firſt ſtroke of their revenge conſiſted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verſes a⯑gainſt me, the ſubject of which was my own po⯑verty, and the cataſtrophe of my unhappy parents; but beſides the badneſs of the compoſition (of which they themſelves were aſhamed) they did not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with thoſe misfortunes, which they and their relations had intailed upon me; and which con⯑ſequently, reflected much more diſhonour on them⯑ſelves, than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice.—Finding this plan miſcarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman againſt me, by telling him I had lam⯑pooned his miſtreſs; and ſo effectually ſucceeded in the quality of incendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to ſeize me next night, as I returned to my lodgings from a friend's houſe that I fre⯑quented; with this view, he waited in the ſtreet, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted his deſign of carrying me down to the river, in which he propoſed to have me hear⯑tily ducked, notwithſtanding the ſeverity of the weather, it being then about the middle of De⯑cember.—But this ſtratagem did not ſucceed; for, being appriſed of their ambuſh, I got home another way, and by the help of my landlord's apprentice, emptied a cloſe ſtool out of the gar⯑ret window, which did great execution upon them; and next day, occaſioned ſo much mirth at their expence, that they found themſelves un⯑der a neceſſity of leaving the town, until the ad⯑venture ſhould be entirely forgotten.—My couſins (though twice baffled in their expectation) [33] did not however, deſiſt from perſecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a poſſibility of forgiveneſs, by detecting their malice, and preventing its effects: neither would I have found them more humane, had I patiently ſubmit⯑ted to their rancour, and bore without murmuring the rigour of their unreaſonable hate; for, I have found by experience, that though ſmall favours may be acknowledged, and ſlight injuries atoned, there is no wretch ſo ungrateful as he, whom you have moſt generouſly obliged; and no ene⯑my ſo implacable, as thoſe who have done you moſt wrong.—Theſe good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourſe to a ſcheme which con⯑ſpired with a piece of bad news I ſoon after re⯑ceived, to give them all the ſatisfaction they de⯑ſired: this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confident, and prevail on him to betray the truſt I repoſed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my ſmall amours, which they publiſhed with ſuch exaggerations, that I ſuffered very much in the opinion of every body, and was utterly diſcarded, by the dear creatures whoſe names had been called in queſtion.—While I was buſied in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not only be re⯑venged on him, but alſo vindicate my character to my friends; I one day, perceived the looks of my landlady ſo altered, when I went home to dinner, that upon enquiring into the cauſe, ſhe ſcrewed up her mouth, and fixing her eyes on the ground, told me her huſband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one incloſed for me—ſhe was very ſorry for what had happened, both for my ſake, and his own—People ſhould be more cautious of their cnoduct—ſhe [34] was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into ſome misfortune or other.—As for her part, ſhe would be very ready to befriend me; but ſhe had a ſmall family of her own to maintain.—The world would do nothing for her if ſhe ſhould come to want—charity begins at home.—She wiſh⯑ed I had been bound to ſome ſubſtantial handicraft, ſuch as a weaver or ſhoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning fooliſh nonſenſe that would never bring me in a penny—but ſome folks are wiſe, and ſome are otherwiſe—I was liſtening to this myſterious diſcourſe, with great amazement, when her huſband entered, and without ſpeaking a ſyllable, put both the letters into my hand.—I received them trembling, and read what follows:

This letter (which with the other was dated from Port Lou's in Hiſpaniola) was no ſooner read, than the apothecary ſhaking his head, be⯑gan:—‘"I have a very great regard for Mr. [36] Bowling, that's certain,—and could be well content—but times are very hard.—There's no ſuch thingas money to be got—I believe 'tis all vaniſhed under-ground, for my part.—Be⯑ſides, I have been out of pocket already, hav⯑ing entertained you ſince the beginning of this month, without receiving a ſix-pence,—and G—d knows if ever I ſhall;—for I believe it will go hard with your uncle.—And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warn⯑ing, for I want your apartment for a new 'prentice, whom I expect from the country every hour.—So, I deſire you will this week provide yourſelf with another lodging."—’The indignation which this harangue inſpired, gave me ſpirits to ſupport my reverſe of fortune; and to tell him, I deſpiſed his mean, ſelfiſh diſ⯑poſition ſo much, that I would rather ſtarve than be beholden to him for one ſingle meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the laſt farthing of what I owed, and aſſured him, I would not ſleep another night under his roof.—This ſaid, I ſallied out, in a tranſport of rage and ſorrow, without knowing whither to fly for ſhelter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, and only three ſhillings in my purſe.—After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a ſmall bed-room at the rate of one ſhilling and ſix-pence per week, which I was obliged to pay per-advance, before the landlord would re⯑ceive me; hither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and aſſiſtance of a perſon who had on all occaſions, loaded me with careſſes, and made frequent offers of friendſhip, while I was under [37] no neceſſity of accepting them.—He received me with his wonted affability, and inſiſted on my breakfaſting with him, which I did not think fit to refuſe.—But when I communicated the occa⯑ſion of my viſit, he appeared ſo diſconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the miſery of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the moſt extenſive ſympathy and be⯑nevolence.—He did no leave me long under this miſtake; for recovering himſelf out of his con⯑fuſion, he told me, he was grieved at my misfor⯑tune, and deſired to know what had paſſed be⯑tween my landlord Mr. Potion and me. Where⯑upon I recounted the converſation; and when I repeated the anſwer I made to his ungenerous re⯑monſtrance with regard to my leaving his houſe, this pretended friend affected a ſtare, and ex⯑claimed, ‘"Is it poſſible you could behave ſo ill to the man who had treated you ſo kindly all along?"—’My ſurpriſe at hearing this, was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and I gave him to underſtand, with ſome warmth, that I did not imagine he would ſo unreaſonably eſpouſe the cauſe of a ſcoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every ſocial community.—This heat of mine, gave him all the advantage he de⯑ſired over me, and our diſcourſe (after much al⯑tercation) concluded in his deſiring never to ſee me again in that place; to which I yielded my conſent, aſſuring him, that had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never ſhould have had an opportunity to make that requeſt.—And thus we parted.

On my return, I met my old comrade 'ſquire Gawky, whom his father had ſent, ſome time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, [38] dancing, fencing; and to ſee the world. As I had lived with him, ſince his arrival, on the foot⯑ing of our old intimacy, I made no ſcruple of in⯑forming him of the lowneſs of my circumſtances, and asking a ſmall ſupply of money, to anſwer my preſent expence; upon which he pulled out an handful of half-pence with a ſhilling or two among them, and ſwore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter day; having loſt the greateſt part of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though this might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indif⯑ference; for he neither diſcovered any ſympathy for my miſhap, nor deſire of alleviating my diſ⯑treſs; and accordingly, I left him without utter⯑ing one word: But when I afterwards under⯑ſtood, that he was the perſon who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my couſins, to whom likewiſe he had carried the tidings of my forlorn ſituation, which afforded them great mat⯑ter of triumph and exultation, I determined with myſelf to call him to a ſevere account; for which purpoſe, I borrowed a ſword, and wrote a challenge, deſiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of puniſhing his perfidy, at the expence of his blood.—He accepted the invitation, and I betook myſelf to the field, though not without feeling conſiderable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in cold ſweats by the way;—but the deſire of revenge, the ſhame of retracting, and hope of conqueſt, conſpired to repel theſe unmanly ſymptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleaſed to find he had no mind to [39] meet me; becauſe now I ſhould have an oppor⯑tunity of expoſing his cowardice, diſplaying my own courage, and of beating him ſoundly where⯑ſoever I ſhould find him, without any dread of the conſequence.—Elevated with theſe ſuggeſ⯑tions, which entirely baniſhed all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having ſet out for the country in leſs than an hour after he had received my billet.—Whereupon, I was vain enough to have the whole ſtory inſerted in the news, although I was fain to ſell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for leſs than half-price, to defray the expence, and contribute to my ſubſiſtence.

CHAP. VII.

THE fumes of my reſentment being diſſipated, as well as the vanity of my ſucceſs, I found myſelf deſerted to all the horrors of ex⯑treme want, and avoided by mankind as a crea⯑ture of a different ſpecies, or rather as a ſolita⯑ry being, no ways comprehended within the ſcheme or protection of providence. My deſpair [40] had rendered me almoſt quite ſtupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman deſired to ſee me, at a certain publick houſe, whither imme⯑diately I repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab a ſurgeon in town, who was engaged with two more, in drinking a liquor called pop-in, compoſed by toſſing a quartern of brandy into a quart of ſmall beer.—Before I relate the occaſion of this meſſage, I believe it will not be diſagreeable to the reader, if I deſcribe the gentleman who ſent for me, and mention ſome circumſtances of his character and conduct, which may illuſtrate what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, a⯑bout five foot high, and ten round the belly; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion of a mulberry: his noſe reſem⯑bling a powder-horn, was ſwelled to an enor⯑mous ſize, and ſtudded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes reflected the rays in ſuch an oblique manner, that while he looked a per⯑ſon full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his ſhoe.—He had long entertained an implacable reſentment a⯑gainſt Potion, who, tho' a younger practitioner, had engroſſed more buſineſs than he, and once had the aſſurance to perform a cure, whereby he diſappointed and diſgraced the prognoſtic of the ſaid Crab.—This quarrel, which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by the inter⯑poſition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a poſſibility of reconciliation by the reſpective wives of the opponents, who, chan⯑cing to meet at a chriſtening, diſagreed about pre⯑cedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, [41] and were with great difficulty, by the goſſips, pre⯑vented from converting the occaſion of joy, into a ſeene of blood.

The difference between theſe rivals was in the height of rancour, when I was ſent for by Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have expec⯑ted from one of his diſpoſition; and after de⯑ſiring me to ſit, enquired into the particulars of my leaving the houſe of Potion; which when I had related, he ſaid with a malicious grin,—‘"Here's a ſneaking dog!—I always thought him a fellow without a ſoul, d—n me!—a canting ſcoundrel, who has crept into buſi⯑neſs by his hypocriſy, and kiſſing the a—ſe of every body."—’ ‘"Ay, ay, (ſays another) one might ſee with half an eye, that the raſcal has no honeſty in him, by his going ſo re⯑gulary to church."’ This ſentence was con⯑firmed by the third, who aſſured his com⯑panions, that Potion was never known to be diſguiſed in liquor but once, at a meeting of the godly, where he had diſtinguiſhed him⯑ſelf by an extempore prayer an hour long.—After this preamble, Crab addreſſed himſelf to me in theſe words, ‘"Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I'll do for you.—You may ſend your things to my houſe when you pleaſe.—I have given orders for your reception.—Z—ds! what does the booby ſtare at?—If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone and be d—n'd."—’I an⯑ſwered with a ſubmiſſive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, of which I would immediately avail myſelf, as ſoon as he ſhould [42] inform me, on what footing I ſhould be enter⯑tained.—‘"What footing (d—n my blood, cried he) d'ye expect to have a foot⯑man and couple of horſes kept for you?"—’No, Sir (I replied) my expectations are not quite ſo ſanguine.—That I may be as little bur⯑thenſome as poſſible, I would willingly ſerve in your ſhop, by which means I may ſave you the expence of a journey-man, or porter at leaſt, for I underſtand a little pharmacy, having em⯑ployed ſome of my leiſure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Potion: nei⯑ther am I altogether ignorant of ſurgery, which I have ſtudied with great pleaſure and applica⯑tion.—‘"O ho! you did (ſays Crab) Gen⯑tlemen, here is a compleat artiſt!—Stu⯑died ſurgery! what? in books I ſuppoſe.—I ſhall have you diſputing with me, one of theſe days, on points of my profeſſion.—You can already account for muſcular motion (I war⯑rant) and explain the myſtery of the brain and nerves—ha!—You are too learned for me, d—n me.—But let's hear no more of this ſtuff,—can you bleed and give a clyſter, ſpread a plaiſter and prepare a potion? an⯑ſwer me to that."—’Upon my anſwering him in the affirmative, he ſhook his head, telling me, he believed he ſhould have little good of me, for all my promiſes;—but however, he would take me in for the ſake of charity.—I was according⯑ly that very night admitted to his houſe, and had an apartment aſſigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithſtanding the mortification my pride ſuffered in this change of circumſtances. I was ſoon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me [43] in this manner: for beſides the gratification of his revenge, in expoſing the ſelfiſhneſs of his antagoniſt, in oppoſition to his own generoſity, which was all affectation, he had occaſion for a young man who underſtood ſomething of the profeſſion, to fill up the place of his eldeſt ap⯑prentice, lately dead, not without violent ſuſpi⯑cion of foul play from his maſter's brutality.—The knowledge of this, together with his daily behaviour to his wife, and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new ſituation with eaſe; however, as I did not per⯑ceive how I could beſtow myſelf to better ad⯑vantage, I reſolved to ſtudy Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with all the addreſs I was maſter of.—And it was not long before I found out a ſtrange peculiarity of humour, which governed his behaviour towards all his dependants.—I obſerved when he was pleaſed, he was ſuch a niggard of his ſatisfaction, that if his wife or ſervants betrayed the leaſt ſymptom of participation, he was offended to an inſupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they ſeldom failed to feel.—And when his indignation was rouſed, ſubmiſſion and ſoothing always exaſperated it beyond the bounds of rea⯑ſon and humanity.—I therefore purſued a contra⯑ry plan; and one day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy raga⯑muffin—I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, ſince I both underſtood, and performed my buſineſs as well as he could do for his ſoul: neither was it juſt to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was deſcended from a better family than any he could boaſt an alliance with. He gave tokens of great amaze⯑ment [44] at this aſſurance of mine, and ſhook his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical Although I was terribly ſtartled at his menacing looks and poſture, I yet had reflection enough left, to con⯑vince me, I had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute which muſt de⯑cide my future lot, in his ſervice; whereupon I ſnatched up the peſtle of a mortar, and ſwore if he offered to ſtrike me without cauſe, I would ſee whether his ſcull or my weapon was hardeſt.—He continued ſilent for ſome time, and at laſt broke forth into theſe ejaculations,—‘"This is fine uſage from a ſervant to a maſter,—very fine!—damnation!—but, no matter, you ſhall pay for this; you dog, you ſhall.—I'll do your buſineſs—yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift your hand againſt me."—’So ſaying, he retired and left me under dreadful apprehenſions, which vaniſhed intirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unuſual complacency, and treated me with a glaſs of punch after dinner.—By this conduct, I got the aſcendency over him in a ſhort time, and be⯑came ſo neceſſary to him, in managing his buſi⯑neſs while he was engaged at the bottle, that for⯑tune began to wear a kinder aſpect with regard to me; and I conſoled myſelf for the diſregard of my former acquaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a cloſe application to the du⯑ties of my employment, in which I ſucceeded be⯑yond my own expectation.—I was on very good terms with my maſter's wife, whoſe eſteem I ac⯑quired and cultivated, by repreſenting Mrs. Potion in the moſt ridiculous lights my ſatirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her ſome [45] chriſtian offices, when ſhe had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which ſhe had often times recourſe for conſolation, under the affliction ſhe ſuffered from a barbarous huſband.—In this man⯑ner I lived, without hearing the leaſt tidings of my uncle, for the ſpace of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being neither in a humour to reliſh, nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance: for the Nabal my maſter allowed me no wages; and the ſmall perquiſites of my ſtation ſcarce ſupplied me with the common neceſſaries of life.—I was no longer, a pert, unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popu⯑lar applauſe, and elevated with the extravagance of hope; my misfortunes had taught me how little the careſſes of the world during a man's proſperity, are to be valued by him; and how ſe⯑riouſly and expeditiouſly he ought to ſet himſelf a⯑bout making himſelf independent of them. My preſent appearance, therefore, was the leaſt of my care, which was wholly engroſſed in laying up a ſtock of inſtruction that might ſecure me a⯑gainſt the caprice of fortune for the future. I became ſuch a ſloven, and contracted ſuch an air of auſterity, that every body pronounced me creſt-fallen; and Gawky returned to town with⯑out running any risk from my reſentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and re⯑ſtrained by prudential reaſons, ſo effectually, that I never ſo much as thought of obtaining ſatisfac⯑tion for the injuries he had done me.—When I deemed myſelf ſufficiently maſter of my buſineſs, I began to caſt about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hopes of finding ſome proviſion, that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone: but, as this could [46] not be effected without a ſmall ſum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmoſt per⯑plexity how to raiſe it, well knowing, that Crab, for his own ſake, would never put me in a con⯑dition to leave him, when his intereſt was ſo much concerned in my ſtay.—But a ſmall acci⯑dent, which happened about this time, deter⯑mined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid ſervant, who de⯑clared her ſituation to me, aſſuring me at the ſame time, that I was the occaſion of it. Al⯑though I had no reaſon to queſtion the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of the fami⯑liarities which had paſſed between her maſter and her; of which availing myſelf, I repreſented to her the folly of laying the burthen at my door; when ſhe might diſpoſe of it to much greater ad⯑vantage with Mr. Crab: She liſtened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended ſucceſs of their mutual endeavour.—He was far from being over-joyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foreſaw might have very troubleſome conſequences; not that he dreaded any domeſ⯑tic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect ſubjection; but becauſe he knew it would furniſh his rival Potion with a handle for inſulting and undermining his reputa⯑tion, there being no ſcandal equal to that of un⯑cleanneſs, in the opinion of thoſe who inhabit that part of the iſland where he lived.—He there⯑fore took a reſolution worthy of himſelf, which was, to perſuade the girl, that ſhe was not with child, but only afflicted with a diſorder incident to young women, which he could eaſily remove: with this view (as he pretended) he pre⯑ſcribed for her ſuch medicines, as he thought [47] would infallibly procure abortion; but in this he was diſappointed, for the maid being advertiſed by me of his deſign, and at the ſame time well ſatiſ⯑fied with her own condition, abſolutely refuſed to follow his directions; and threatned to publiſh her ſituation to the world, if he did not imme⯑diately take ſome method of providing for the important occaſion, which ſhe expected in a few months.—It was not long before I gueſſed the reſult of his deliberation, by his addreſſing him⯑ſelf to me (one day) in this manner: ‘"I am ſurpriſed, that a young fellow like you, diſ⯑covers no inclination to puſh his fortune in the world.—By G—d, before I was of your age, I was broiling on the coaſt of Guinea.—Damme! what's to hinder you from profiting by the war, which will certainly be declared in a ſhort time againſt Spain?—You may eaſily get on board of a king's ſhip in quality of a ſurgeon's mate, where you will certainly ſee a great deal of practice, and ſtand a good chance of getting prize money."—’I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wiſhed for, and aſſured him I would follow his advice with pleaſure, if it was in my power; but that it was impoſſible for me, to embrace an opportunity of that kind, having no friend to advance a little money, to ſupply me with what neceſſaries I ſhould want, and defray the expences of my journey to London.—He told me, that few neceſſaries were required; and as for the expence of my journey, he would lend me mo⯑ney, not only for that purpoſe, but alſo to maintain me comfortably in London, until I ſhould procure a warrant for my proviſion aboard ſhip.—I gave him a thouſand thanks for his obliging offer (al⯑though I was very well apprized of his motive, [48] which was to make his chamber-maid lay the child to me after I was gone; and accordingly ſet out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune conſiſting of one ſuit of cloaths, half a dozen ruffled ſhirts, as many plain, two pair worſted ſtockings, as many thread; a caſe of pocket inſtruments, a ſmall edition of Horace, Wiſeman's ſurgery, and ten guineas in caſh; for which Crab took my bond, bearing 5 per cent. intereſt; at the ſame time giving me a letter to the member of parliament for our town, which he ſaid would do my buſineſs.

CHAP. VIII.

THERE is no ſuch convenience as a wag⯑gon in this country, and my finances were too weak to ſupport the expence of hiring a horſe; I determined therefore to ſet out with the carriers, who tranſport goods from one place to another on horſe-back, this I accordingly put in execu⯑tion, on the firſt day of November 1739, ſitting upon a pack-ſaddle between two baskets; one of which contained my goods in a knapſack. But by the time we arrived at Newcaſtle upon Tyne, I was ſo fatigued with the tediouſneſs of the [49] carriage, and benumbed with the coldneſs of the weather, that I reſolved to travel the reſt of my journey on ſoot, rather than proceed in ſuch a diſagreeable manner.

The hoſtler of the inn at which we put up, underſtanding I was bound for London, adviſed me to take my paſſage in a collier, which would be both cheap and expeditious, and withal much eaſier than to walk upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads, in the winter time; which he believed I had not ſtrength enough to perform.—I was almoſt perſuaded to take his advice, when, one day, ſtepping into a barber's ſhop to be ſhaved, the young man, while he la⯑thered my face, accoſted me thus: ‘"Sir, I pre⯑ſume you are a Scotchman."’ To which I an⯑ſwered in the affirmative.—‘"Pray (continued he) of what part of Scotland?"—’I no ſooner told him, than he diſcovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper lip, beſmeared my whole face with great agitation.—At which I was ſo offended, that ſtarting up, I aſked him what the d—I he meant by uſing me ſo?—He begged pardon, telling me his joy in meeting with a countryman, had oc⯑caſioned ſome confuſion in him; and craved my name.—But when I declared my name was Ran⯑dom he exclaimed in a rapture, ‘"How! Rory Random?"’ The ſame, I replied, looking at him with aſtoniſhment; ‘"What, cried he, don't you know your old ſchool-fellow, Hugh Strap?"’ At that inſtant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the tranſport of my joy, gave him back one half of the ſuds he had ſo laviſhly beſtowed on my countenance; ſo that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and fur⯑niſhed [50] a great deal of mirth to his maſter and ſhop-mates, who were witneſſes of this ſcene.—When our mutual careſſes were over, I ſat down again to be ſhaved, but the poor fellow's nerves were ſo diſcompoſed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could ſcarcely hold the razor, with which (nevertheleſs) he found means to cut me in three places, in as many ſtrokes. His maſter, perceiving his diſorder, bid another ſupply his place; and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to paſs the reſt of the day with me.—We retired immediately to my lodgings, where calling for ſome beer, I deſired to be in⯑formed of his adventures, which contained no⯑thing more, than that his maſter dying before his time was out, he had come to Newcaſtle about a year ago, in expectation of journey-work, a⯑long with three young fellows of his acquain⯑tance who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil maſter, with whom he intended to ſtay till the ſpring, at which time he propoſed to go to Lon⯑don, where he did not doubt of finding encou⯑ragement.—When I communicated to him my ſituation and deſign, he did not approve of my taking a paſſage by ſea, by reaſon of the danger of a winter voyage, which is very hazardous a⯑long that coaſt, as well as the precariouſneſs of the wind, which might poſſibly detain me a great while, to the no ſmall detriment of my fortune: whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me company, carry my baggage as well as his own, all the way; and if we ſhould find our⯑ſelves fatigued, it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road, either return-horſes or waggons, of which we might take the opportunity for a [51] very trifling expence.—I was ſo raviſhed at this propoſal, that I embraced him affectionately, and aſſured him he might command my purſe to the laſt farthing; but he gave me to underſtand, he had ſaved money ſufficient to anſwer his own oc⯑caſions; and that he had a friend in London, who would ſoon introduce him into buſineſs, in that capital; and might poſſibly have it in his power to ſerve me like wiſe.

Having concerted our plan and ſettled our affairs that night, we departed next morning by day⯑break, armed with a good cudgel each, my com⯑panion being charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knapſack, which he carried after the manner of ſoldiers on a march; and our money ſewed between the lining and waſtband of our breeches, except ſome looſe ſilver for our immediate expence on the road.—We travelled all day at a round pace, but being ignorant of the proper ſtages, we were benighted at a good diſ⯑tance from any inn, which compelled us to take up our lodging at a ſmall hedge ale-houſe, that ſtood by itſelf on a by-road, about half a mile from the high-way: There we found a pedlar of our own country, in whoſe company we regaled ourſelves with bacon and eggs and a glaſs of good ale, before a comfortable fire, converſing all the while very ſociably with the landlord and his daugh⯑ter, an hale buxome laſs, who entertained us with great good humour, and in whoſe affection I was vain enough to believe I had made ſome progreſs.—About eight a clock, we were all three, at our own deſire, ſhewn into an apartment, where were two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourſelves to reſt, and the pediar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a con⯑ſiderable [52] time extempore; ſearched into every cor⯑ner of the room, and faſtened the door on the inſide with a ſtrong iron ſcrew, which he carried about with him for that uſe.—I ſlept very ſound till midnight, when I was diſturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which ſhook under me with a continual tremor.—Alarmed at this phoenome⯑non, I jogged my companion, whom to my no ſmall amazement, I found drenched in ſweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me with a low faultering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman loaded with piſtols, in the next room; then, bidding me make as little noiſe as poſſible, he directed me to a ſmall chink in the board partition, through which I could ſee a thick ſet brawny ſellow, with a fierce countenance, ſitting at a table in company with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of piſtols before them.—I liſtened with great attention, and heard him ſay in a terrible tone: ‘"D—n that ſon of a b—h, Smack the coachman!—he has ſerved me a fine trick, indeed!—but d—tion ſeize me, if I don't make him repent it!—I'll teach the ſcoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he is under articles with me."—’Our landlady endeavoured to appeaſe this exaſperated robber, by ſaying, that he might poſſi⯑bly be miſtaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correſpondence with the other gentleman that rob⯑bed his coach,—and that if an accident had diſ⯑appointed him to day, he might ſoon find oppor⯑tunities enough to atone for his loſt trouble.—‘"I'll tell thee what, my dear Bett (replied he) I never had, nor never will, while my name is Rifle, have ſuch a glorious booty as I miſſed [53] to-day.—Z—ds! there was 400l. in caſh to recruit men for the king's ſervice, beſides the jewels, watches, ſwords, and money be⯑longing to the paſſengers;—had it been my fortune to have got clear off with ſo much treaſure, I would have purchaſed a commiſſion in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I would."—’ ‘"Well, well (cries Betty) we muſt truſt to providence for that;—but did you find nothing worth taking, which eſcaped the other adventurer?"—’ ‘"Not much, ſaith (ſaid the lover;) I gleaned a few things,—ſuch as a pair of pops, ſilver⯑mounted (here they are) I took them loaded out of the pockets of the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch, which he had concealed in his breeches.—I likewiſe found ten Portugal pieces in the ſhoes of a quaker, whom the ſpirit moved to revile me with great bitterneſs and devotion; but what I value myſelf moſtly for, is this here purchaſe, a gold ſnuff-box, my girl, with a young gentleman's picture on the inſide of the lid: which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's ſmock."—’Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar ſnored ſo loud, that the highwayman ſnatching his piſtols, ſtarted up, crying, ‘"Hell and d—n—n! I am betrayed,—who's that in the next room?"’ Mrs. Betty told him, he need not be uneaſy, there were only three poor wearied travellers, who, miſtaking the road, had taken up their lodging there, and were aſleep long ago.—‘"Travellers! ſays he, ſpies, you b—ch! but no matter—by G—d, I'll ſend them all to hell in an inſtant."—’He ac⯑cordingly run towards our door; when his ſweet⯑heart [54] interpoſing, aſſured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the leaſt cauſe of ſuſpicion; and the third was a Preſbyterian pedlar of the ſame nation, who had often lodged in the houſe before.—This declaration ſatisfied the thief, who ſwore he was glad there was a pedlar there, for he wanted ſome linen.—Then in a jovial manner, he put about the glaſs, mingling his diſcourſe to Betty, with careſſes and familiari⯑ties, that ſpoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the converſation which re⯑garded us, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay without ſenſe or motion, ſo that it was with great difficulty I perſuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the ped⯑lar, and inform him of what we had ſeen and heard—This itinerant merchant no ſooner felt ſomebody ſhaking him by the ſhoulder, than he ſtarted up, calling as loud as he could,—‘"Thieves, thieves!—L—d have mercy on us."’ Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his piſtols, and turned towards the door to kill the firſt man who ſhould enter; for he verily believed himſelf beſet; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, perſuaded him, that the poor pedlar dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his ſleep.—Mean⯑while my comrade had undeceived our fellow⯑lodger, and informed him of his reaſon for diſ⯑turbing him; upon which, getting up ſoftly he peeped through the hole, and was ſo terrified with what he ſaw, that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promiſed never to defraud a cuſtomer for the fu⯑ture [55] of the value of a half-penny, provided he might be reſcued from his preſent diſtreſs—Whether or not this diſburthening his conſcience afforded him any eaſe, I know not; but he ſlipt into bed again and lay very quiet until the rob⯑ber and his miſtreſs were aſleep, which he under⯑ſtood by their ſnoring in concert; then, riſing ſoft⯑ly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, and making it faſt to one end of it, opened the window with as little noiſe as poſſible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity; which having done, he moved gently to our bed⯑ſide, and bid us farewel, telling us, that as we run no riſk, we might take our reſt with great confidence, and in the morning aſſure the landlord that we knew nothing of his eſcape: then ſhak⯑ing us by the hands, and wiſhing us all manner of ſucceſs, he let himſelf drop from the window without any danger to the ground, which was not above one yard from his feet as he hung on the outſide. Although I did not think proper to ac⯑company him in his flight, I was not at all free from apprehenſion, when I reflected on what might be the effects of the highwayman's diſap⯑pointment, who certainly intended to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my com⯑panion at more eaſe in his mind, but on the con⯑trary ſo poſſeſſed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he ſolicited me ſtrongly to follow our coun⯑tryman's example, and ſo elude the fatal reſent⯑ment of that terrible adventurer, who would cer⯑tainly wreak his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement.—But I repreſented to him, the danger of giving Rifle cauſe to think we knew his profeſſion, by putting him in mind, that if ever he ſhould meet us again on the road (which [56] far from being impoſſible) he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his in⯑tereſt to put us out of the way.—I told him withal, the confidence I had in Betty's good-na⯑ture; in which he acquieſced, and during the remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unſuſpected in the morning.

It was no ſooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving the window open, cried out, ‘"Ods bobs! Sure you Scotchmen muſt have hot conſtitutions, to lie all night with the window open in ſuch cold weather!"—’I feigned to ſtart out of ſleep, and withdraw⯑ing the curtain, called, ‘"What's the matter?"’ When ſhe ſhewed me, I affected ſurprize, and ſaid, ‘"Bleſs me! the window was ſhut when we went to bed."—’ ‘"I'll be hanged, ſaid ſhe, if Sawny Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very ob⯑ſtropulous in his ſleep.—Sure I put a cham⯑ber-pot under his bed."—’With theſe words ſhe advanced to the bed in which he lay, and find⯑ing the ſheets cold, ſhe exclaimed, ‘"Good lack a daiſy! the rogue is fled!"—’ ‘"Fled (cried I, with a feigned amazement) G—d forbid!—Sure he has not robbed us."—’Then ſpring⯑ing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my looſe money into my hand; which hav⯑ing reckoned, I ſaid, Heaven be praiſed our mo⯑ney is all ſafe.—Strap, look to the knapſack.—He did ſo, and found all was right.—Upon which, we asked with ſeeming concern, if he had ſtole nothing belonging to the houſe.—‘"No, no, replied ſhe, he has ſtole nothing but his rec⯑koning;"’ which, it ſeems, this pious pedlar [57] had forgot to diſcharge in the midſt of his devotion.—Betty, after a moment's pauſe withdrew, and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no ſooner heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed and dreſſed, venting a thouſand execrations, and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he could ſet eyes on him again; ‘"For, ſaid he, the ſcoundrel has by this time raiſed the hue and cry againſt me."—’Having dreſſed himſelf in a hurry, he mounted his horſe, and for that time rid us of his company and a thou⯑ſand fears that were the conſequence of it.—While we were at breakfaſt, Betty endeavoured by all the cunning ſhe was miſtreſs of, to learn whether or no we ſuſpected our fellow-lodger, whom we ſaw take horſe; but as we were on our guard, we anſwered her ſly queſtions with a ſimplicity ſhe could not diſtruſt; when all of a ſudden, we heard the trampling of a horſe's feet at the door. This noiſe alarmed Strap ſo much, whoſe imagination was wholly engroſſed by the image of Rifle, that with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried out, ‘"O Lord! there's the highwayman returned!"—’Our landlady ſtar⯑tled at theſe words, ſaid, ‘"What highwayman, young man?—Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?"—’Though I was very much diſconcerted at this piece of indiſcretion in Strap, I had preſence of mind enough to tell her, we had met a horſe-man the day before, whom Strap had fooliſhly ſuppoſed to be a highwayman, be⯑cauſe he rode with piſtols; and that he was ter⯑rified at the ſound of a horſe's feet ever ſince.—She forced a ſmile at the ignorance and timorouſ⯑neſs of my comrade; but I could perceive, (not [58] without great concern) that this account was not at all ſatisfactory to her.

CHAP. IX.

AFTER having paid our ſcore, and taken leave of our hoſteſs, who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, bleſſing our ſelves that we had come off ſo well. We had not walked above five miles, when we obſerved a man on horſe-back galloping after us, whom we in a ſhort time recognized to be no other than this formidable hero who had already given us ſo much vexation.—He ſtopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was?—My aſto⯑niſhment had diſconcerted me ſo much, that I did not hear his queſtion, which he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remain⯑ed as mute as before.—Strap ſeeing my diſcom⯑poſure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable voice, theſe words: ‘"For Ch—ſt's ſake, have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle, we know you very well."—’ ‘"O ho! cried the thief, you do!—but by G—d, you never ſhall be evidence againſt me in this world, you dog!"—’So ſaying, he drew a [59] piſtol, and fired it at the unfortunate ſhaver, who fell flat upon the ground without ſpeaking one word.—My comrade's fate, and my own ſitua⯑tion, rivetted me to the place where I ſtood, de⯑prived of all ſenſe and reflection; ſo that I did not make the leaſt attempt either to run away, or de⯑precate the wrath of this barbarian, who ſnapped a ſecond piſtol at me; but before he had time to prime again, perceived a company of horſe-men coming up; whereupon he rode off, and left me ſtanding motionleſs as a ſtatue, in which poſture I was ſound by thoſe whoſe appearance had ſaved my life.—This company, which conſiſted of three men in livery, well armed, was headed by an of⯑ficer, who (as I afterwards learned) was the per⯑ſon from whom Rifle had taken the pocket piſtols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, aſſuring him, his non-reſiſtance was altogether owing to his conſideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the aſſiſtance of his Lordſhip's ſervants to go in queſt of the plunderer.—This holiday captain ſcampered up to me with great addreſs, and asked who fired the piſtol which he had heard.—As I had not yet recovered my reaſon, he, before I could anſwer, obſerved a body lying on the ground: at which ſight, his colour va⯑niſhed, and he pronounced with a faultering tongue, ‘"Gentlemen, here's murder committed I Let us alight."—’ ‘"No, no, ſaid one of his followers, let us rather purſue the murderer.—Which way went he, young man?"—’By this time, I had recollected myſelf ſo far as to tell them he could not be a quarter of a mile be⯑fore them; and beg one of them to aſſiſt me in conveying the corps of my friend to the next [60] houſe, in order to its being interred.—The captain foreſeeing that in caſe he purſued, he muſt ſoon come to action, began to curb his horſe, and give him the ſpur at the ſame time, which made the crea⯑ture rear up and ſnort in ſuch a manner, that he called out, his horſe was frightened and would not proceed; at the ſame time wheeling him round and round, ſtroaking his neck, whiſtling and wheedling him with ‘"Sirrah, ſirrah—gently, gently, &c."—’ ‘"Z—ds! (cries one of the ſervants) ſure my Lord's Sorrel is not reſty!"—’With theſe words, he beſtowed a laſh on his buttocks, and Sorrel diſdaining the rein, ſprung forward with the captain at a pace that would have ſoon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth (happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued their purſuit, without minding his ſituation in the leaſt.—Mean while one of the three who remained at my deſire, turning the Body of Strap to one ſide, in order to ſee the wound which had killed him, found him ſtill warm and breathing; whereupon I im⯑mediately let him blood, and ſaw him, with in⯑expreſſible joy, recover; having received no o⯑ther wound than what his ſear inflicted.—Having got him upon his legs, we walked toge⯑ther to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap being not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time after, the third ſervant returned with the captain's horſe and furniture, leaving himſelf to crawl after as well as he could. This Gentleman of the ſword upon his arrival, complained grievouſly of the bruiſe occaſioned by his fall; and on the recommendation of the ſer⯑vant, [61] who warranted my ability, I was em⯑ployed to bleed him, for which he rewarded me with half a crown.

The time between this and dinner, I paſſed in obſerving a game at cards, between two farmers, an exciſeman, and a young fellow in a ruſty gown and caſſock, who, as I afterwards underſtood, was curate of a neighbouring pariſh.—It was eaſy to perceive that the match was not equal; the two farmers being partners, having to do with a couple of ſharpers, who ſtript them of all their caſh in a very ſhort time.—But what ſurpriſed me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who ſeemed to ſuſpect foul play, in theſe words: ‘"D—n me, friend, d'ye queſtion my honour?"—’I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being an animal frequent in my own country; but I was ſcandalized at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he ſwore, and the baudy ſongs which he ſung.—At laſt, to make amends, in ſome ſort, for the damage he had done the unwary boo [...]s, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and promiſing to treat them with a dinner, began to play moſt melodiouſly, ſinging all the while in concert.—This good humour of the parſon inſpired the company with ſo much glee, that the farmers ſoon forgot their loſſes, and all hands went to dancing in the yard. While we were agreeably amuſed in this manner, our muſician ſpying a horſeman riding towards the inn, ſtopt all of a ſudden, crying out, ‘"Gad ſo! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there's our dog of a doctor coming into the inn."—’And immediately concealed his inſtrument, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the [62] vicar's bridle, and helped him off, enquiring very cordially into the ſtate of his health.—This roſy ſon of the church (who might be about the age of fifty) having alighted, and entruſted the curate with his horſe, ſtalked with great ſolemnity into the kitchen, where, ſitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; ſcarce deign⯑ing an anſwer to the ſubmiſſive queſtions of ſome preſent who knew him, about the welfare of his family.—While he indulged himſelf in this ſtate, amidſt a profound ſilence, the curate approaching him with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleaſed to honour us with his company at din⯑ner? To which he anſwered in the negative, ſaying, he had been to viſit 'ſquire Bumpkin, who had drank himſelf into a high fever at the laſt aſſizes; and that he had, on leaving his own houſe, told Betty he ſhould dine at home.—Ac⯑cordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he got up and moved towards the door with the fame dignity as when he entered; where his journeyman ſtood ready with his nag.—He had no ſooner mounted, than this facetious perſon, coming into the kitchen, began in this manner: ‘"There the old raſcal goes, and the D—l go with him.—You ſee how the world wags, gentlemen.—By G—d, this rogue of a vicar does not deſerve to live;—and yet he has two livings worth 400l. per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what? why truly, for 20l. a year.—I ſcorn to boaſt of my own qualifications, but—compari⯑ſons, you know, are odious.—I ſhould be glad to know how this ſwag-bellied doctor deſerves to be more at eaſe than me.—He can loll in his [63] elbow chair at home, indulge himſelf in the beſt of victuals and wine, and enjoy the con⯑verſation of Betty his houſe-keeper.—You underſtand me, gentlemen.—Betty is the doc⯑tor's poor kinſwoman, and a pretty girl ſhe is;—but no matter for that;—ay, and a dutiful girl to her parents, whom ſhe goes to ſee re⯑gularly every year, though I muſt own I could never learn in what county they live.—My ſervice t'ye gentlemen."—’By this time din⯑ner being ready, I waked my companion, and we eat all together with great chearfulneſs and ſa⯑tisfaction. When our meal was ended, and every man's ſhare of the reckoning adjuſted, the cu⯑rate went out on pretence of ſome neceſſary oc⯑caſion, and mounting his horſe, left the two far⯑mers to ſatisfy the hoſt in the beſt manner they could.—We were no ſooner informed of this piece of fineſſe, then the exciſeman who had been ſilent hitherto, began with a malicious grin, ‘"Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shufle,—I could not help ſmiling, when he talked of treating.—You muſt know, this is a very curious fellow.—He picked up ſome ſcraps of learning while he ſerved young lord Trifle at the univerſity.—But what he moſt excells in, is pimping.—No man knows his talents better than I, for I was valet de chambre to 'ſquire Tattle, an inti⯑mate companion of Shuffle's lord.—He got himſelf into a ſcrape, by pawning ſome of his lordſhip's cloaths, on which account he was turned away; but as he was acquainted with ſome particular circumſtances of my lord's con⯑duct, he did not care to exaſperate him too much, and ſo made intereſt for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy [64] which he now enjoys.—However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in ſpite of ſuch a ſmall allowance.—You hear he plays a good ſtick, and is really diverting com⯑pany—this makes him agreeable wherever he goes;—and as for playing at cards, there is not a man within three counties a match for him;—the truth is, he is a damnable cheat, and can ſhift a card with ſuch addreſs, that it is impoſſible to diſcover him."—’At this he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked him, why he had not juſtice enough to acquaint them with theſe particulars before they engaged in play?—The exciſeman replied without any heſi⯑tation, that it was none of his buſineſs to inter⯑meddle between man and man; beſides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's charac⯑ter, which was notorious to the whole country.—This did not ſatisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and aſſiſting the curate's knavery, and inſiſted on having his ſhare of the winning returned; which the exciſeman as poſitively re⯑fuſed, affirming, that whatever ſlights Shuffle might practiſe on other occaſions, he was very certain, that he had play'd on the ſquare with them, and would anſwer it before any bench in chriſtendom; ſo ſaying, he got up, and hav⯑ing paid his reckoning, ſneaked off. The land⯑lord thruſting his neck into the paſſage, to ſee if he was gone, ſhook his head, ſaying, ‘"Ah! Lord help us! if every ſinner was to have his deſerts.—Well, we victuallers muſt not diſ⯑oblige the exciſemen.—But, I know what,—if parſon Shuffle and he were weighed together, a ſtraw thrown into either ſcale would make [65] the ballance kick the beam.—But, maſters, this is under the roſe, continued Boniface with a whiſper."’

CHAP. X.

STRAP and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a croud on the road, coming towards us, ſhouting and hollowing all the way. As it approached, we could diſcern a man on horſe-back in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we ſoon knew to be Rifle.—This highwayman not being ſo well mounted as the two ſervants who went in purſuit of him, was ſoon overtaken, and after having diſcharged his piſtols, made priſoner without any further oppoſition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidſt the acclamations of the country people, to a juſtice of peace in a neighbouring village, but ſtopt at our inn to join their com⯑panion and take refreſhment. When Rifle was diſmounted, and placed in the yard, within a cir⯑cle of peaſants armed with pitch-forks, I was amazed to ſee what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours ago, [66] filled me with ſo much terror and confuſion.—My companion was ſo much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance, that going up to the thief, he preſented his clenched fiſts to his noſe, and declared, that he would either cudgel or box with the priſoner for a guinea, which he im⯑mediately produced; and began to ſtrip—but was diſſuaded from this adventure by me, who repreſented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of juſtice, which would, no doubt, give us all ſatisfaction enough.—But what made me repent of our impertinent curioſity, was our being detained by the captors, as evidence againſt him, when we were juſt going to ſet forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the ſame road that we propoſed.—About the twilight we arrived at the place of our deſtination, but as the juſtice was gone to viſit a gentleman in the country, with whom he would probably ſtay all night, the rob⯑ber was confined in an empty garret three ſtories high, from which it ſeemed impoſſible for him to eſcape: this, nevertheleſs, was the caſe; for next morning, when they went up ſtairs, to bring him before the juſtice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the leads, from whence he continued his rout along the tops of the adjoin⯑ing houſes, and got into another garret window, where he ſculked, until the family were aſleep, at which time he ventured down ſtairs, and let himſelf out by the ſtreet door, which was found open. This event was a great diſappointment to thoſe that ap⯑prehended him, who were fluſhed with hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey without any further moleſtation.—Reſolving to make up for the ſmall [67] progreſs we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and before night got to a market-town twenty miles from the place from whence we ſet out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice.—Here having taken up our lodging at an inn, I found myſelf ſo fa⯑tigued, that I began to deſpair of performing our journey on foot, and deſired Strap to enquire if there was any waggon, return-horſes, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart for London to-morrow or next day.—He was informed, that the waggon from Newcaſtle for London had halted here two nights ago, and that it would be an eaſy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at fartheſt the day after the next.—This piece of news gave us ſome ſatisfaction, and after making a hearty ſupper on haſhed mutton, we were ſhewn to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honeſt gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well diſpenſed with his company, we were glad to ſubmit to this diſpoſition, as there was not another bed empty in the houſe; and accord⯑ingly went to reſt, after having ſecured our baggage under the bolſter. About two or three a-clock in the morning, I was waked out of a very profound ſleep, by a dreadful noiſe in the cham⯑ber, which did not fail to throw me into an a⯑gony of conſternation, when I heard theſe words pronounced with a terrible voice.—‘"Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out preſently."—’This dreadful ſalutation had no ſooner reached the ears of Strap, than ſtarting out of bed, he run againſt ſome body in the dark, [68] and overturned him in an inſtant, at the ſame time bawling out, ‘"Fire! murder! fire!’ which in a moment alarmed the whole houſe, and fil⯑led our chamber with a croud of naked people.—When lights were brought, the occaſion of all this diſturbance ſoon appeared; which was no other than our fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor ſcratching his head, with a look teſtifying the utmoſt aſtoniſhment, at the concourſe of apparitions that ſurrounded him.—This honeſt gentleman was, it ſeems, a recruiting ſerjeant, who having liſted two country fellows over-night, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along him.—This made ſuch an impreſſion on his imagination, that he got up in his ſleep, and expreſſed himſelf as above.—When our ap⯑prehenſion of danger vaniſhed, the company be⯑held one another with great ſurprize and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady with nothing on her but her ſhift and a large pair of buckskin breeches with the backſide before, which ſhe had ſlipt on in the hurry, and her huſband with her petticoat about his ſhoulders: one had wrapt himſelf in a blan⯑ket, another was covered with a ſheet, and the drummer who had given his only ſhirt to be waſhed, appeared in querpo with the bolſter rolled about his middle.—When this affair was diſ⯑cuſſed, every body retired to his own apartment, the ſerjeant ſlipt into bed, and my companion and I ſlept without any further diſturbance till the morning, when we got up, went to breakfaſt, paid our reckoning, and ſet forward in expecta⯑tion of overtaking the waggon; in which, how⯑ever, we were diſappointed that day. As we [69] exerted ourſelves more than uſual, I found myſelf quite ſpent with fatigue, when we entered a ſmall village in the twilight. We enquired for a publick houſe, and were directed to one of a very ſorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who ſeemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey hair, roſe from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchin, and with a chearful countenance accoſted us in theſe words: ‘"Salvete Pueri—ingredimini."—’I was not a lit⯑tle pleaſed to hear our hoſt ſpeak Latin, becauſe I was in hopes of recommending myſelf to him by my knowledge in that language; I therefore an⯑ſwered without heſitation,—Diſſolve frigus, ligna ſuper foco.—large reponens.—I had no ſooner pro⯑nounced theſe words, than the old gentleman run⯑ing towards me, ſhook me by the hand, crying, ‘"—Fili mi dilectiſſime! unde venis!—a ſuperis, ni fallor?"—’in ſhort, finding we were both read in the claſſicks, he did not know how to teſtify his regard, but ordered his daughter, a jolly roſy⯑cheeked damſel, who was his ſole domeſtic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum.—repeating from Horace at the ſame time, ‘"Deprome quadrimum ſabinâ, O thaliarche, merum diotâ."’ This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the uſe of himſelf and friends.—In the courſe of our converſation, which was interlarded with ſcraps of Latin, we underſtood that this facetious perſon was a ſchool-maſter, whoſe income being ſmall, he was fain to keep a glaſs of good liquor for the entertainment of paſſengers, by which he made ſhift to make the two ends of the year meet.—‘"I am this day, ſaid he, the happieſt old fellow in his majeſty's [70] dominions.—My wife, reſt her ſoul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week;—but the two chief pleaſures of my life are theſe (pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay one the table.) I am old, 'tis true,—what then? the more reaſon I ſhould enjoy the ſmall ſhare of life that re⯑mains, as my friend Flaccus adviſes:—Tu ne quaeſieris ſcire (nefas.) Quem, mihi quem tibi finem dii dederint—Carpe diem quam minimum credula poſtero."—’As he was very inquiſitive about our affairs, we made no ſcruple of acquainting him with our ſituation, which when he had learned, he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no ſtranger to the deceits of mankind.—In the mean time he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for ſupper, for he was re⯑ſolved this night to regale his friends—per⯑mittens divis caetera.—While our entertainment was preparing, our hoſt recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearſe. When we had fared ſumptuouſly and drank ſeveral bottles of his quadrimum, I expreſſed a deſire of going to reſt, which was with ſome difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we ſhould overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, there being only four paſſengers as yet in that convenience.—Before my comrade and I fell aſleep we had ſome converſation about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap ſuch an idea of his benevolence, that he was poſitive we ſhould pay nothing for our lodging and en⯑tertainment.—‘"Don't you obſerve, ſaid he, [71] that he has conceived a particular affection for us,—nay, even treated us at ſupper with extraordinary fare, which, to be ſure, we ſhould not of ourſelves, have called for?"—’I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me ſuſpend my belief till to-morrow morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfaſted with our hoſt and his daughter, on haſty-pudding and ale, and deſired to know what we had to pay.—‘"Biddy will let you know, gentlemen, ſaid he, for I never mind theſe matters.—Money-matters are beneath the concern of one who lives on the Horati⯑an plan.—Creſcentem ſequitur cura pecuniam."’ Mean while Biddy having conſulted a ſlate that hung in a corner, told us, our reckoning came to 8s. 7d.—‘"Eight ſhillings and ſeven pence! cried Strap, 'tis impoſſible—you muſt be miſ⯑taken, young woman."—’ ‘"Reckon again, child, (ſays her father, very deliberately) perhaps you have miſcounted."—’ ‘"No indeed, father, (ſhe replied) I know my buſineſs better."—’I could contain my indignation no longer, but ſaid it was a very unconſcionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering ‘"Ay, ay, let us ſee the particulars,—that's but reaſonable."—’And taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following Items:

[72] As he had not the appearance of a common pu⯑blican, and had raiſed a ſort of veneration in me by his demeanor the preceding night, it was not in my power to unbraid him as he deſerved; therefore I contented myſelf with ſaying, I was ſure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He anſwered, ‘"I was a but young man and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whoſe only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies."—’My fellow-traveller could not ſo eaſily put up with this impoſition; but ſwore he ſhould either take one third of the money, or go without.—While we were engaged in this diſ⯑pute, I perceived the daughter go out, and con⯑jecturing the occaſion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no ſooner done, than Biddy returned with two ſtout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught; but in reality to frighten us into com⯑pliance.—Juſt as we departed, Strap, who was half diſtracted on account of this piece of expence, went up to the ſchool-maſter, and grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphaſis; ‘"Sem⯑per avarus eget."—’To which the pedant replied, with a malicious ſmile;—‘"Animum rege, qui, niſi paret, imperat."’

CHAP. XI.

WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being engroſſed by the knavery of the world, to which I muſt be daily expoſed; and the contemplation of my finances, which began ſenſibly to diminiſh.—At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addreſſed me thus:—‘"Well, fools and their money are ſoon parted.—If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint ſhould have been damn'd before he had got more than the third of his demand.—'Tis a ſure ſign you came eaſi⯑ly by your money, when you ſquander it away in this manner.—Ah! God help you, how many briſly beards muſt I have mowed before I earned 4 ſhillings and three pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs?—How many days have I ſat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp'd, and my noſe as blue as the ſign of the peri⯑wig that hung over the door?—What the devil was you afraid of? I would have en⯑gaged to box with any one of thoſe fellows who came in, for a guinea.—I'm ſure I have beat ſtouter men than either of them."—’And indeed, my companion would have fought [74] any body, when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal averſion to fire arms and all in⯑ſtruments of death. In order to appeaſe him, I aſſured him, no part of this extraordinary ex⯑pence ſhould fall upon his ſhoulders; at which he was affronted, and told me, he would have me to know, that although he was a poor barber's boy, he had a ſoul to ſpend his money with the beſt 'ſquire of the land.—Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreſhment, we deſcried towards the evening, to our inexpreſ⯑ſible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and by that time we came up with it, were both of us ſo weary, that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile further.—We therefore bar⯑gained with the driver, whoſe name was Joey, to give us a caſt to the next ſtage for a ſhilling; at which place we would meet the maſter of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the reſt of the journey.

Accordingly the convenience ſtopt, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted firſt; but juſt as he was getting in, a tremendous voice aſſailed his ears in theſe words: ‘"God's fury! there ſhall no paſſengers come here."—’The poor ſhaver was ſo diſconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he deſcended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as paper.—Joey per⯑ceiving our aſtoniſhment, called with an arch ſneer, ‘"Waunds, captain! whay woan't yau ſooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a pen⯑ny?—Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop,—never moind the coptain,—I'ſe not [75] afear'd of the coptain."—’This was not encou⯑ragement ſufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the ſame voice muttering like diſ⯑tant thunder: ‘"By G—d I won't be uſed ſo, d—n—n ſeize me if I am!"—’However I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the ſtraw, which I immediately took poſſeſſion of, without being able to diſcern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapſack on his back, chanced to take the other ſide, and by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the ſtomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a moſt dreadful manner: ‘"Blood and thunder! where's my ſword?"—’At theſe words, my frighted comrade ſtarted up, and at one ſpring, bounced againſt me with ſuch force, that I thought the ſuppoſed ſon of Anak intended to ſmother me.—In the mean time a female voice cried out, ‘"Bleſs me! what is the matter, my dear?"’ ‘"The matter, replied the captain, damn my blood! my guts are al⯑moſt ſqueezed out by that Scotchman's hump."’ Strap trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had hap⯑pened upon the jolting of the waggon.—The woman who ſpoke before, went on: ‘"Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault—we may thank our⯑ſelves for all the inconveniencies we meet with.—I thank God, I never travelled ſo before,—I'm ſure if my lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not ſleep this night for vexation.—I wiſh to God we had writ for the chariot,—I know we ſhall never be forgiven."’ ‘"Come, come, my dear (replied the captain) [76] it don't ſignify fretting now,—we ſhall laugh it over as a frolick.—I hope you will not ſuf⯑fer in your health.—I ſhall make my lord ve⯑ry merry with our adventures in the Dili⯑gence."—’This diſcourſe gave me ſuch a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durſt not venture to join in the converſation; but im⯑mediately after, another female voice begins: ‘"Some people give themſelves a great many needleſs airs—better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now.—Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots with three footmen behind them, without making ſo much fuſs about it.—What then? we are now all upon a footing, there⯑fore let us be ſociable and merry.—What do you ſay, Iſaac? Is'n't this a good motion, you doting rogue?—Speak, you old cent. per cent. fornicator.—What deſperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Iſaac, poſitively you ſhall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf; grow honeſt, and live like a gentleman.—In the mean time, give me a kiſs, you old fumbler."—’Theſe words, accompanied with a hearty ſmack, enlivened the perſon to whom they were addreſſed, to ſuch a degree, that he cried in tranſport, tho' with a quavering voice, ‘"Ah! you wanton baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggiſh girl, he, he, he."—’This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almoſt ſuffocated the poor uſurer (ſuch, we afterwards found, was the pro⯑feſſion of this our fellow-traveller.)—About this time, I fell aſleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till ſuch time as we arrived at the inn where we put up.—Here, having got out of the waggon [77] firſt, I had an opportunity of viewing the paſſen⯑gers in order as they entered.—The firſt who ap⯑peared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a ſilver-laced hat on her head, inſtead of a cap, a blue ſtuff riding ſuit trimmed with ſilver, very much tarniſhed, and a whip in her hand.—After her, came limping, an old man with a worſted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad brimmed hat ſlouched over it, an old ruſty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown ſurtout, that covered a thread⯑bare coat and waſte-coat, and, as we afterwards diſcerned, a dirty flannel jacket.—His eyes were hollow, bleared and gummy; his face was ſhri⯑velled into a thouſand wrinkles, his gums were deſtitute of teeth, his noſe ſharp and droop⯑ing, his chin peeked and prominent, ſo that when he mumped or ſpoke, they approached one ano⯑ther like a pair of nut-crackers; he ſupported him⯑ſelf on an ivory-headed cane, and his whole fi⯑gure was a juſt emblem of winter, famine and a⯑varice.—But how was I ſurprized, when I beheld the formidable captain leading in his wife; in the ſhape of a little, thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long, withered viſage, very much reſembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which, two little grey eyes peeped: He wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I ſuppoſe, was the occaſion of a baldneſs that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the ſize and cock of Piſtol's.—Having laid aſide his great coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: He was about five foot and three inches high, ſixteen inches of [78] which went to his face and long ſcraggy neck; his thighs were about ſix inches in length, his legs reſembling ſpindles or drum-ſticks, two feet and an half, and his body, which put me in mind of extenſion without ſubſtance, engroſſed the re⯑mainder;—ſo that on the whole, he appeared like a ſpider or graſhopper erect,—and was almoſt a vox & preterca nihil.—His dreſs conſiſted in a frock of what is called bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an Huſſar waiſtcoat, ſcarlet breeches reaching half way down his thigh, worſted ſtockings rolled up al⯑moſt to his groin, and ſhoes with wooden heels at leaſt two inches high; he carried a ſword very near as long as himſelf in one hand, and in the other conducted his lady, who ſeemed to be a woman of his own age, and ſtill retained ſome remains of an agreeable perſon; but ſo ridicu⯑louſly affected, that had I then known as much of the world as I do now, I might have eaſily perceived in her, the deplorable vanity and ſe⯑cond-hand airs of a lady's woman.—We were all aſſembled in the kitchen, when captain Weazel (for that was his name) deſired a room with a fire for himſelf and ſpouſe; and told the landlord, they would ſup by themſelves.—The inn-keeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by themſelves; and as for ſupping, he had prepared victuals for the paſſengers in the waggon without reſpect of perſons, but if he could pre⯑vail on the reſt to let him have his choice in a ſeparate manner, with all his heart: This was no ſooner ſaid, than all of us declared againſt the propoſal, and miſs Jenny (our other female paſ⯑ſenger) obſerved, that if captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to ſup by themſelves, they might [79] wait until we ſhould have done.—At this, the captain put on a martial frown and looked very big, without ſpeaking; while his yoke-fel⯑low, with a diſdainful toſs of her noſe, muttered ſomething about ‘"Creature;"—’which miſs Jen⯑ny over-hearing, ſtept up to her, ſaying, ‘"None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail;—creature quotha,—I'll aſſure you,—No ſuch creature as you neither—no ten pound ſneaker—no quality coupler."—’Here the captain inter⯑poſed with a ‘"Damme, madam, what d'ye mean by that?"—’ ‘"Damn you, ſir, who are you? (replied miſs Jenny) who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-ſcraping, pimp⯑ing curler?—'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine paſs, when ſuch fellows as you get com⯑miſſions.—What, I ſuppoſe you think I don't know you?—By G—d, you and your help⯑mate are well met,—a caſt-off miſtreſs, and a bald valet de chambre are well yoked together. Blood and wounds! (cried Weazel) d'ye queſtion the honour of my wife, madam?—Hell and dam⯑nation! No man in England durſt ſay ſo much,—I would flea him, carbonado him! Fury and deſtruction! I would have his liver for my ſupper."—’So ſaying, he drew his ſword, and flouriſhed with it, to the great terror of Strap: while miſs Jenny ſnapping her fingers, told him, ſhe did not value his reſentment a f—t.—In the midſt of this quarrel, the maſter of the waggon alighted, who underſtanding the cauſe of it, and fearing the captain and his lady would take ſo much umbrage, as to leave his carriage, was at great pains to have every thing made up, which he at laſt accompliſhed, and we ſat down to ſupper all together. At bed⯑time [80] we were ſhewn to our apartments. The old uſurer, Strap and I, were conducted to one room; the captain, his wife, and miſs Jenny to another.—About midnight, my companion's bowels being diſordered, he got up, in order to go backward; in his return, miſtaking one door for another, he entered Weazel's cham⯑ber, and without any heſitation went to bed to his wife, who was faſt aſleep; the captain being at another end of the room, groping for ſome empty veſſel, his own chamber-pot being leaky: As he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went toward his own bed, after having ſound a con⯑venience; but no ſooner did he feel a rough head with a cotton night-cap on it, than it came into his mind, that he was got to miſs Jenny's bed inſtead of his own, and that the head he felt, was that of ſome gallant, with whom ſhe had made an aſſignation.—Full of this conjecture, and ſcan⯑dalized at the proſtitution of his apartment, he ſnatched up the veſſel he had juſt before filled, and emptied it at once on the aſtoniſhed barber and his own wife, who waking at that inſtant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not on⯑ly alarmed the huſband beyond meaſure, but frightened poor Strap almoſt out of his ſenſes; for he verily believed himſelf bewitched; eſpe⯑cially when the incenſed captain ſeized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durſt have the preſumption to attempt the chaſtity of his wife.—Poor Strap was ſo a⯑mazed and confounded, that he could ſay nothing, but,—‘"I take God to witneſs ſhe's a virgin for me."—’Mrs. Weazel enraged to find herſelf in ſuch a pickle, through the precipitation of her huſband, got up in her ſhift, and with the heel [81] of her ſhoe, which ſhe found at the bed-ſide, belaboured the captain's bald pate, till he cried ‘"Murder."—’ ‘"I'll teach you to empty your ſtink-pots on me, (cried ſhe) you pitiful, hop o' my thumb coxcomb.—What? I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath.—Was it for this I condeſcended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, ſapleſs twig?"—’The noiſe occaſioned by this adventure, had brought the maſter of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that paſſed, with great ſatisfaction. In the mean time we were alarmed with the cry of ‘"Rape! Murder! Rape!"’ which miſs Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.—‘"O! you vile, abominable old villain, (ſaid ſhe) would you rob me of my virtue?—But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will!—help! for heaven's ſake! help!—I ſhall be raviſhed! ruined! help!"—’Some ſervants of the inn hearing this cry, came running up ſtairs with lights, and ſuch weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting ſcene.—In one corner ſtood the poor captain ſhivering in his ſhirt, which was all torn to rags; with a woful viſage, ſcratched all over by his wiſe, who had by this time wrapt the covering about her, and ſat crying on the ſide of her bed—In the other end, lay the old uſurer ſprawling on miſs Jenny's bed, with nothing on him but his flannel jacket over his ſhirt, and his tawny meagre limbs expoſed to the air; while ſhe held him faſt by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations.—When we asked what was the matter, ſhe af⯑fected to weep, and told us, ſhe was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her ſleep, and [82] bid us take notice of what we ſaw, for ſhe intend⯑ed to make uſe of our evidence againſt him.—The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged for Chriſt's ſake to be releaſed; which was no ſooner done, than he proteſted ſhe was no woman, but a devil incarnate—that ſhe had firſt ſeduced his fleſh to rebel, and then be⯑trayed him.—‘"Yes, cockatrice (continued he, with a faultering voice) thou knoweſt thou did'ſt ſpread this ſnare for me—but thou ſhalt not ſucceed—for I will hang myſelf before thou ſhalt get a farthing of me."—’So ſay⯑ing, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way.—We then advanced to the captain, who told us, ‘"Gentlemen, here has been a damn'd miſtake; but I'll be revenged on him who was the occaſion of it.—That Scotchman who carries the knapſack ſhall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel.—My dear, I ask you ten thouſand pardons; you are ſenſible I could mean no harm to you."—’ ‘"I know not what you meant (replied ſhe, ſobbing) but I know I have got enough to ſend me to my grave."—’At length they were reconciled.—The wife was complimented with a ſhare of miſs Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed) and the maſter of the waggon invited Weazel to ſleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having got away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at logger-heads.

CHAP. XII.

NEXT morning, I agreed to give the maſ⯑ter of the waggon ten ſhillings for my paſſage to London, provided Strap ſhould be al⯑lowed to take my place when I ſhould be diſ⯑poſed to walk.—At the ſame time I deſired him to appeaſe the incenſed captain, who by this time had got into the kitchen, with a drawn ſword in his hand, and threatned with many oaths, to ſacrifice the villain, who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpoſe for the maſter to explain the miſtake, and aſſure him of the poor lad's innocence, who ſtood trembling behind me all the while: the more ſubmiſſion that appeared in Strap, the more implacable ſeemed the reſent⯑ment of Weazel, who ſwore he muſt either fight him, or he would inſtantly put him to death.—I was extremely provoked at this inſolence, and told him, it could not be ſuppoſed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the ſword at his own [84] weapon; but I was perſuaded he would wreſtle or box with him.—To which propoſal Strap im⯑mediately gave aſſent, by ſaying, he would box with him for a guinea.—Weazel replied with a look of diſdain, it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himſelf on a footing, in any reſpect, with ſuch a fellow as Strap.—‘"Ods bodikins! (cries Joey) ſure coptain, yaw wauld not coommit moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make attoonement for his offence; and an that woant't ſatisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly.—An yaw woan't box, I dare ſay, he will coodgel with yaw.—Woan't yaw, my lad?"—’Strap, after ſome heſitation, anſwered, ‘"Ye—yes, I'll cudgel with him."—’But this expedient being alſo rejected by the captain, I began to ſmell his character, and tipping Strap the wink, told the company, that I had always heard it ſaid, the perſon who receives a challenge ſhould have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promiſe on the head of my companion, that he would even fight captain Weazel at ſharps; but it ſhould be with ſuch ſharps as Strap was beſt acquainted with, namely razors—At my mentioning razors, I could per⯑ceive the captain's colour to change, while Strap pulling me by the ſleeve, whiſpered with great eagerneſs;—‘"No, no, no; for the love of God, don't make any ſuch bargain."—’At length, Weazel recovered himſelf, turned to⯑wards me, and with a ferocious countenance, asked, ‘"Who the devil are you?—will you fight me?"’ With theſe words, putting him⯑ſelf in a poſture, I was grievouſly alarmed at [85] ſeeing the point of a ſword within half a foot of my breaſt; and ſpringing to one ſide, ſnatched up a ſpit that ſtood in the chimney corner, with which I kept my formidable adverſary at bay, who made a great many half longes, skipping backward every time, till at laſt I got him pinned up in a corner, to the no ſmall diverſion of the company. While he was in this ſitua⯑tion, his wife entered, and ſeeing her husband in theſe dangerous circumſtances, uttered a dread⯑ful ſcream, and ſwooned: Upon this, Weazel de⯑manded a ceſſation, which was immediately granted; and after his lady had recovered, was contented with the ſubmiſſion of Strap, who fal⯑ling on his knees before him, proteſted the inno⯑cence of his intention, and asked pardon for the miſtake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodſhed, we went to breakfaſt, but miſſed two of our company, to wit, miſs Jenny and the uſurer. As for the firſt, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that ſhe had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when ſhe got up this morning, miſs Jenny was ſo much indiſ⯑poſed, that ſhe could not proceed on her journey.—At this moment, a meſſage came from her to the maſter of the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all.—She told him in a lamentable tone, that ſhe was afraid of a miſcarriage owing to the fright ſhe received laſt night, from the brutality of Iſaac; and as the e⯑vent was uncertain, deſired the uſurer might be detained to anſwer for the conſequence—Accord⯑ingly this ancient Tarquin was found in the wag⯑gon, whither he had retired to avoid the ſhame of laſt night's diſgrace; and brought by force into her preſence.—He no ſooner appeared, than [86] ſhe began to weep and ſigh moſt piteouſly, and told us, if ſhe died, ſhe would leave her blood upon the head of that raviſher.—Poor Iſaac, turning up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machi⯑nations of that Jezabel; and aſſured us with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her, was the reſult of her own invitation.—The wag⯑goner underſtanding the caſe, adviſed Iſaac to make it up, by giving her a ſum of money, to which he replied with great vehemence, ‘"A ſum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!"—’ ‘"O! 'tis very well, (ſaid miſs Jenny) I ſee it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his, by fair means.—Joey, be ſo good as to go to the Juſtice, and tell him there is a ſick perſon here, who wants to ſee him on an affair of conſequence."—’At the name of juſtice, Iſaac trembling like an aſpen-leaf, and bidding Joey ſtay, asked with a faultering voice, ‘"what ſhe would have?"’ She told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpoſe, ſhe would be ſatisfied with a ſmall matter.—And though the damage ſhe might ſuſtain in her health, might be irreparable, ſhe would give him a releaſe for an hundred guineas.—‘"An hundred guineas! (cried he in an extaſy) an hundred furies!—Where ſhould a poor old wretch like me, have an hundred guineas? if I had ſo much money, d'ye think I would be found travelling in a waggon, at this ſeaſon of the year?"—’ ‘"Come, come, (replied Jenny) None of your miſerly artifice here.—You think I don't know Iſaac Rapine the mo⯑ney-broker in the Minories.—Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had from me and my acquaintance which was never re⯑deemed."—’ [87] Iſaac finding it was in vain to diſ⯑guiſe himſelf, offered twenty ſhillings for a diſ⯑charge, which ſhe abſolutely refuſed under fifty pounds: At laſt, however, ſhe was brought down to five, which he paid with great reluctancy, ra⯑ther than be proſecuted for a rape.—After which this ſick perſon made ſhift to get into the wag⯑gon, and we ſet forwards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey's horſe, the driver himſelf chuſing to walk.—This morning and forenoon we were entertained with an ac⯑count of the valour of captain Weazel, who told us of his having once knocked down a ſoldier that made game of him; of tweaking a drawer by the noſe, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork; and of his ſending a chal⯑lenge to a cheeſe-monger, who had the pre⯑ſumption to be his rival,—for the truth of which he appealed to his wife.—She con⯑firmed whatever he ſaid, and obſerved ſuch a thing happened that day, ‘"I received a love⯑letter from 'ſquire Gobble;—and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiouſly ſick that very night with eating ortolans, when my lord Diddle took notice of my com⯑plexion's being altered, and my lady was ſo alarmed, that ſhe had well nigh fainted."—’ ‘"Yes, my dear, (replied the captain) you know, my lord ſaid to me, with a ſneer,"—’ ‘"Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding."—’ ‘"And I anſwered cavalierly, My lord, I wiſh I could return the compliment.—Upon which the whole company broke out into an immode⯑rate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartée dearly, came round and buſſed me."—’We travelled in this manner five days, [88] without interruption or meeting any thing worth notice: Miſs Jenny (who ſoon recovered her ſpirits) entertaining us every day with diverting ſongs, of which ſhe could ſing a great number; and rallying her old gallant, who notwithſtand⯑ing could never be reconciled to her.—On the ſixth day, while we were about to ſit down to dinner, the inn-keeper came and told us, that three gentlemen juſt arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment, altho' he had informed them that they were beſpoke by the paſſengers in the waggon. To which they had replied, ‘"The paſſengers in the waggon might be damn'd—their betters muſt be ſerved before them,—they ſuppoſed it would be no hardſhip on ſuch travellers to dine upon bread and cheeſe for one day."—’This was a terrible diſappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when miſs Jenny propoſe that captain Weazel, being by profeſſion a ſoldier, ought in this caſe to protect and pre⯑vent us from being inſulted.—But the captain ex⯑cuſed himſelf, ſaying, he would not for the world be known to have travelled in a waggon; ſwearing at the ſame time, th [...] [...] he appear with honour, they ſhould eat his ſword ſooner than his proviſion.—Upon this declaration, miſs Jenny ſnatching his ſword drew it, and run im⯑mediately to the kitchin, where ſhe threatned to put the cook to death, if he did not ſend the vic⯑tuals into our chamber immediately.—The noiſe ſhe made, brought the three ſtrangers down, one of whom no ſooner perceived her, than he cried out, ‘"Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?"—’ ‘"My dear Jack Rattle! (replied ſhe, running into his arms) [89] is it you?—Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I ſhall dine with you."—’They conſented to this, with a grat deal of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey underſtanding the whole affair, entered the kitchin with a pitchfork in his hand, ſwore he would be the death of any man who ſhould pretend to ſeize the vic⯑tuals prepared for the waggon.—This menace had like to have produced fatal conſequences; the three ſtrangers drawing their ſwords, and be⯑ing joined by their ſervants, and we ranging our⯑ſelves on the ſide of Joey; when the landlord interpoſing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the ſtrangers; and we ſat down at table without any further moleſtation.—In the afternoon, I choſe to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.—Having entered into converſation with this driver, I ſoon found him to be a merry, fa⯑cetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch: He informed me, that miſs Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the ſtage-coach from London to Newcaſtle, where he had been arreſted for debt, and was now in priſon; upon which ſhe was fain to return to her former way of life, in the manner we found her.—He told me likewiſe, that one of the gentlemen's ſervants, whom we left at the inn, having acci⯑dentally ſeen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with ſome particulars of his character, as follows: That he had ſerved my lord Frizzle in quality of valet de chambre many years; while he lived ſeparate from his lady: But upon their reconciliation, ſhe expreſly in⯑ſiſted [90] upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept: whereupon his lord⯑ſhip, to get rid of them both with a good grace, propoſed that he ſhould marry his miſtreſs, and he would procure a commiſſion for him in the army; this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordſhip's intereſt, enſign in—'s regiment, I found he and I had the ſame ſentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which we reſolved to put to the trial, by alarming the paſſengers with the cry of, ‘"an highwayman!"’ as ſoon as we ſhould diſcover an horſeman appear. This we put in practice towards the dusk, when we de⯑ſcried a man on horſeback approaching us. Joey had no ſooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we ſhould be all robbed, than a general conſternation aroſe: Strap jumped out of the waggon and hid himſelf be⯑hind a hedge. The uſurer put forth ejaculations, and made a ruſtling among the ſtraw, which made us conjecture he had hid ſomething un⯑der it. Mrs. Weazel wringing her hands, uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to our great amazement, began to ſnore; but this artifice did not ſucceed; for miſs Jenny, ſhaking him by the ſhoulder, bawl'd out, ‘"'Sdeath! captain, is this a time to ſnore, when we are going to be robbed?—Get up for ſhame, and behave like a ſoldier and a man of honour."—’Weazel pretended to be in a great paſſion for being diſ⯑turbed, and ſwore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England ſurrounded him.—‘"D—n my blood! what are you afraid of (continued he;")’ at the ſame time trembling with ſuch agitation, that the whole carriage ſhook.—This ſingular piece of behaviour incenſed [91] miſs Ramper ſo much, that ſhe cried out, ‘"D—n your pitiful ſoul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was drummed out of a regi⯑ment.—Stop the waggon, Joey—let me get out, and by G—d, if I have rhetorick enough, the thief ſhall not only take your purſe, but your skin alſo."—’So ſaying, ſhe leapt out with great agility.—By this time the horſeman came up with us, and happened to be a gentle⯑man's ſervant well known to Joey, who commu⯑nicated our ſcheme, and deſired him to carry it on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and queſtioning thoſe within it.—The ſtranger conſenting for the ſake of diverſion, approached it, and in a terrible tone, demanded, ‘"Who have you got here?"—’Iſaac replied with a lamentable voice, ‘"Here is a poor miſerable ſin⯑ner, who has got a ſmall family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but theſe fifteen ſhillings, which if you rob me of, we muſt all ſtarve together."—’ ‘"Who's that ſobbing in the other corner?" (ſaid the ſup⯑poſed highwayman.)’ ‘"A poor unfortunate wo⯑man, (anſwered Mrs. Weazel) upon whom I beg you for Chriſt's ſake, to have compaſſi⯑on."—’ ‘"Are you maid or wife?" (ſaid he)—’ ‘"Wife to my ſorrow," (cried ſhe.)—’ ‘"Who, or where is your huſband?" (continued he.)—’ ‘"My huſband, (replied Mrs. Weazel) is an officer in the army, and was left ſick at the laſt inn where we dined."—’ ‘"You muſt be miſtaken, madam, (ſaid he) for I myſelf ſaw him get into the waggon this afternoon;—But pray what ſmell is that? Sure your lap⯑dog has befoul'd himſelf;—let me catch hold of the naſty cur, I'll teach him better man⯑ners."—’ [92] Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him from under his wife's pet⯑ticoats where he had concealed himſelf.—The poor trembling captain being detected in this in⯑glorious ſituation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of ſleep, cried, ‘"What's the mat⯑ter?—What's the matter?"—’ ‘"The matter is not much, (anſwered the horſeman) I only called in, to enquire after your health, and ſo adieu, moſt noble captain."—’Having ſaid this, he clapped ſpurs to his horſe, and was out of ſight in a moment.—It was ſome time before Weazel could recollect himſelf, but at length, re-aſſuming the big look, he ſaid, ‘"Damn the fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask how his lord and lady do?—Don't you remember Tom, my dear?"’x addreſſing himſelf to his wife.—‘"Yes, (replied ſhe) I think I do remember ſomething of the fellow,—but you know I ſeldom converſe with people of his ſtation."—’ ‘"Hoy day! (cried Joey) do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?"—’ ‘"Know him, (ſaid Weazel) many a time has he filled a glaſs of Burgundy for me, at my lord Trip⯑pit's table."—’ ‘"And what may his neame be, coptain," (ſaid Joey.)’ ‘"His name!—his name (replied Weazel) is Tom Rinſer.—’ ‘"Waunds! (cried Joey) a has changed his true neame then! for I'ſe lay any wager he was chriſtened John Trotter."—’This obſerva⯑tion raiſed the laugh againſt the captain, who ſeemed very much diſconcerted; when Iſaac broke ſilence, and ſaid, ‘"It was no matter who or what he was, ſince he had not proved the robber we ſuſpected.—And that we ought to bleſs God for our narrow eſcape."—’ ‘"Bleſs [93] God, (ſaid Weazel) bleſs the devil! for what? had he been a highwayman, I ſhould have eat his blood, body and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this Diligence."—’ ‘"Ha, ha, ha! (cried miſs Jenny) I believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain."—’The uſurer was ſo pleaſed at the event of this ad⯑venture, that he could not refrain from being ſe⯑vere, and took notice that captain Weazel ſeemed to be a good Chriſtian, for he had armed himſelf with patience and reſignation, inſtead of carnal weapons; and worked out his ſalvation with fear and trembling.—This piece of ſatire occaſioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expence, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatned to cut Iſaac's throat;—which the uſurer taking hold of, ſaid, ‘"Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witneſs, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer.—I'll have him bound over to the peace."’ This ſecond ſneer, procured another laugh againſt him, and he remained creſt-fallen during the remaining part of our journey.

CHAP. XIII.

WE arrived at our inn, ſupped and went to bed; but Strap's diſtemper continuing, he was obliged to get up in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpoſe, he went down to the houſe of office; whence in a ſhort time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair ſtanding on end, and a look betokening horror and aſtoniſhment. Without ſpeaking a word, he ſet down the light, and jumped into bed be⯑hind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence.—When I aſked him what was the mat⯑ter? he replied, with a broken accent, ‘"God have mercy on us! I have ſeen the devil."—’Though my prejudice was not quite ſo ſtrong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclama⯑tion, and much more ſo, when I heard the ſound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling cloſe to me, uttering theſe words, [95] Chriſt have mercy upon us! there he comes.—At that inſtant, a monſtrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at its feet, and made directly towards our bed.—As this creature is reckoned in our country, a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and in a vio⯑lent fright, ſhrunk my head under the bed-cloaths.—This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and after giving us ſeveral ſevere dabbs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vaniſhed. Strap and I recommended ourſelves to the pro⯑tection of heaven with great devotion, and when we no longer heard the noiſe, ventured to peep up and take breath.—But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our ſenſes. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance, that did not ſavour of this world: and his dreſs conſiſted of a brown ſtuff coat, buttoned behind, and at the wriſts, and an odd-faſhioned cap of the ſame ſtuff upon his head.—I was ſo amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from ſuch a ghaſtly object, but lay motionleſs, and ſaw him come ſtreight up to me: when he got to the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried with a voice that did not ſeem to be⯑long to a human creature, ‘"Where is Ralph?"’ I made no reply; upon which, he repeated in an accent ſtill more preternatural; ‘"Where is Ralpho?"—’He had no ſooner pronounced theſe words, than I heard the ſound of the bells at a diſtance; which the apparition having liſtened to, tript away, and left me almoſt petrified with [96] fear. It was a good while before I could recover myſelf ſo far as to ſpeak: and when at length I turned about to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not laſt long.—When he came to himſelf, I aſked his opinion of what had happened; and he aſſured me, that the firſt muſt certainly be the ſoul of ſome perſon damned, which appeared by the chains about its legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigneſs of a horſe, and the ſound of ſmall morris bells to the clanking of maſſy chains)—As for the old man, he took it to be the ſpirit of ſomebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted it to torment the aſſaſſin in the ſhape of a raven, and that Rapho was the name of the ſaid murderer.—Although I had not much faith in his interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any ſleep; and in all my future adventures, never paſſed a night ſo ill.—In the morning, Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old man was the landlord's father, who had turned idiot ſome years ago, and diverted himſelf with a tame ra⯑ven, which, it ſeems, had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had in⯑quired after it, under the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the re⯑maining part of our journey, which continued ſix or ſeven days longer: At length we entered the great city, and lodged all night at the inn, where the waggon halted.—Next morning, all the paſſengers parted different ways; while my com⯑panion and I ſallied out to enquire for the member of parliament to whom I had a letter of recom⯑mendation [97] from Mr. Crab. As we had diſ⯑charged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage, and marched behind me in the ſtreet with the knapſack on his back, as uſual, ſo that we made a very whimſical appearance.—I had dreſſed myſelf to the greateſt advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled ſhirt, my beſt thread ſtockings, my hair (which was of the deepeſt red) hung down upon my ſhoulders, as lank and ſtreight as a pound of candles; and the ſkirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waiſtcoat and breeches were of the ſame piece, and cut in the ſame taſte; my hat very much reſembled a Barber's baſon in the ſhallow⯑neſs of the crown and narrowneſs of the brims. Strap was habited in a much leſs aukward man⯑ner than me; but a ſhort crop eared wig that very much reſembled Scrub's in the play, and the knapſack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz, occaſioned by a long chin, an hook noſe, and high cheek bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit ſubject of mirth and plea⯑ſantry. As we walked along, Strap, at my de⯑ſire, enquired of a carman whom we met, where⯑abouts Mr. Cringer lived;—and was anſwered by a ſtare accompanied with the word, ‘"Anan!"’ Upon which I came up in order to explain the queſtion, but had the misfortune to be unintelli⯑gible likewiſe, the carman damning us for a louſy Scotch guard, and whipping up his horſes with a ‘"Gee ho!"’ which nettled me to the quick, and rouſed the indignation of Strap ſo far, that after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing.—While we were deliberating what was next to be done, an hack⯑ney coachman driving ſoftly along, and perceiving [98] us ſtanding by the kennel, came up cloſe to us, and calling, ‘"A coach, maſter!"’ by a dexte⯑rous management of the reins, made his horſes ſtumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud.—After which, he drove on, applauding himſelf with a hearty laugh, in which ſeveral people joined, to my great mortification; but one more compaſſionate than the reſt ſeeing us ſtrangers, adviſed me to go into an ale-houſe, and dry my⯑ſelf. I thanked him for his advice, which I im⯑mediately complied with; and going into the houſe he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and ſat down by the fire in a public room, where we cleaned ourſelves as well as we could—In the mean time, a wag who ſat in a box, ſmoaking his pipe, underſtanding by our dialect who we were, came up to me, and, with a very grave countenance, aſked me, how long I had been caught? As I did not know the meaning of his queſtion, I made no anſwer; and he went on, ſaying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the ſame time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the reſt of the company, which ſeemed highly entertained with his wit.—I was incenſed at this uſage, but afraid of reſenting it, becauſe I happened to be in a ſtrange place, and perceived the perſon who ſpoke to me, was a brawny fellow, for whom I was by no means a match. However, Strap ha⯑ving either more courage or leſs caution, could not put up with the inſults that I ſuffered; but told him with a peremptory tone, ‘"He was an uncivil fellow, for making ſo free with his bet⯑ters."—’Whereupon, the wit going toward him, aſked, ‘"What he had got in his knap⯑ſack?"’ Is it oat-meal or brimſtone, Sawney? [99] (ſaid he) ſeizing him by the chin, which he ſhook to the inexpreſſible diverſion of all preſent.—My companion feeling himſelf aſſaulted in ſuch an op⯑probrious manner, diſengaged himſelf in a trice, and lent his antagoniſt ſuch a box on the ear, as made him ſtagger to the other ſide of the room; and in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants.—Seeing Strap beginning to ſtrip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which baniſhed all other thoughts, I undreſſed myſelf to the skin in an inſtant, and declared, that as the affront that occaſioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myſelf; upon which one or two cried out, ‘"That's a brave Scotch boy; you ſhall have fair play, by G—d."’ This gave me freſh ſpirits, and going up to my adver⯑ſary, who by his pale countenance, did not ſeem much inclined to the battle, I ſtruck him ſo hard on the ſtomach that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Here I attempted to get a-top of him in order to improve my ſucceſs, ac⯑cording to the manner of my own country; but was reſtrained by the ſpectators, one of whom endeavoured to raiſe up my opponent, but in vain; for he proteſted he would not fight, not being quite recovered of a late illneſs.—I was very well pleaſed with this excuſe, and immediately dreſſed myſelf, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as did alſo my com⯑rade Strap, who ſhook me by the hand and wiſhed me joy of the victory.—After having drank our pot, and dried our cloaths, we enquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer the member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined, he muſt be [100] every bit as conſpicuous here, as in the borough he repreſented; but he told us we might poſſibly hear of him as we paſſed along.—Whereupon we betook ourſelves to the ſtreet, where, ſeeing a footman ſtanding at a door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived.—This member of the party-coloured ſraternity, ſurveying us both very minutely, ſaid he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bid us turn down the firſt ſtreet on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which we would obſerve a lane, through which we muſt paſs, and at the other end we ſhould find an alley that leads to another ſtreet, where we ſhould ſee the ſign of the thiſtle and three pedlars, and there he lodged.—We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this perſon to be an honeſt friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquieſced, aſcribing his good manners to the company he daily ſaw in the houſe where he ſerved.—We followed his di⯑rections punctually, in turning to the left and to the right, and to the left again; but inſtead of ſeeing a lane before us, we found ourſelves at the ſide of the river, which perplexed us not a little; and my fellow traveller ventured to pro⯑nounce, that we had certainly miſſed our way.—By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a ſm [...]ll ſnuff-ſhop hard by, encouraged by the ſign of the highlander, where I found, to my inexpreſſible ſatisfaction, the ſhop-keeper my countryman.—He was no ſooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had re⯑ceived [101] from the footman, than he informed us we had been impoſed upon, telling us, that Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town; and that it would be to no purpoſe for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the Houſe.—I then asked him if he could recommend us to a lodging, which he readily did, by giving us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler's ſhop not far from St. Martin's Lane; here we hired a bed-room, up two pair of ſtairs, at the rate of 2s. per week, ſo very ſmall, that when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that be⯑longed to the apartment, and uſe the bedſtead by way of chairs.—About dinner-time, our land⯑lord asked us how we propoſed to live, to which we anſwered, that we would be directed by him.—‘"Well then (ſays he) there are two ways of eating in this town, for people of your con⯑dition; the one more creditable and expenſive than the other: the firſt, is to dine at an eat⯑ing-houſe frequented by well dreſſed people only, and the other is called diving, practiſed by thoſe who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally."—’I gave him to underſtand that provided the laſt was not infamous, it would ſuit much better with our circumſtances than the o⯑ther.—‘"Infamous (cried he) God forbid, there are many creditable people, and rich people, ay and fine people, that dive every day.—I have ſeen many a pretty gentleman bedaubed all over with lace, dine in that manner, very comfor⯑tably for three pence half-penny, and go after⯑wards to the coffee-houſe, where he made a figure with the beſt lord in the land;—but [102] your own eyes ſhall bear witneſs.—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you."—’He accordingly carried us to a certain lane, where ſtopping, he bid us obſerve him, and do as he did, and walking a few paces, dived into a cellar and diſappeared in an inſtant.—I followed his example, and deſcended very ſucceſsfully, where I found myſelf in the middle of a cook's ſhop, almoſt ſuffocated with the ſteams of boil'd beef, and ſurrounded by a company conſiſting chiefly of hackney-coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board wages; who ſat eating ſhin of beef, tripe, cow-heel or ſauſages, at ſeparate boards, covered with cloths, which turned my ſtomach.—While I ſtood in a⯑maze, undetermined whether to ſit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his deſcent miſſing one of the ſteps, tumbled headlong into this in⯑fernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as ſhe was carrying a porringer of ſoup to one of the gueſts: In her fall, ſhe daſhed the whole meſs againſt the legs of a drummer belonging to the foot guards, who happened to be in her way, and ſcalded him ſo miſerably, that he ſtarted up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of exe⯑crations that made my hair ſtand on end. While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar to himſelf, the cook got up, and after a hearty curſe on the poor author of this miſchance, who lay under the table ſcratching his rump with a woful countenance, emptied a ſalt⯑ſeller in her hand, and ſtripping down the pa⯑tient's ſtocking which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the ſore.—This poultice was ſcarce laid on, when the drummer, who had [103] begun to abate of his exclamation, broke forth into ſuch a hideous yell, as made the whole com⯑pany tremble; then ſeizing a pewter pint-pot that ſtood by him, ſqueezed the ſides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the ſame time with a moſt horrible grin. Gueſſing the cauſe of this violent tranſport, I bid the woman waſh off the ſalt, and bathe the part with oil, which ſhe did, and procured him immediate eaſe. But here another difficulty oc⯑curred, which was no other than the landlady's inſiſting on his paying for the pot he had ren⯑dered uſeleſs; he ſwore he would pay for nothing but what he had eat, and bid her be thankful for his moderation, or elſe he would proſecute her for damages.—Strap foreſeeing it would all land at him, promiſed to ſatisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer with, which entirely appeaſed him, and compoſed all animoſities. After this our landlord and we ſat down at a board, and dined upon ſhin of beef moſt deliciouſly; our reckoning amounting to two pence halfpenny each, bread and ſmall beer included.

CHAP. XIV.

IN the afternoon, my companion propoſed to to call at his friend's houſe, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and were ſo lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years ago, kept a ſchool in town, where he taught the Latin, French and Italian languages; but what he chief⯑ly profeſſed was the pronounciation of the Engliſh tongue, after a method more ſpeedy and uncom⯑mon than any practiſed heretofore; and indeed if his ſcholars ſpoke like their maſter, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle; for although I could eaſily underſtand every word of what I had heard hitherto ſince I entered Eng⯑land, three parts in four of his dialect were as un⯑intelligible to me, as if he had ſpoke in Arabick or Iriſh.—He was a middle-ſized man, and ſtooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was very much pitted with the ſmall-pox, his eyes blear'd, and his mouth ex⯑tended from ear to ear.—He was dreſſed in a [105] night-gown of plaid, faſtened about his middle with a ſerjeant's old ſaſh, and a tie-perriwig with a fore-top three inches high, in the faſhion of king Charles the ſecond's reign.—After he had received Strap (who was related to him) very courteouſly, he enquired of him, who I was: and being informed, took me by the hand, telling me, he was at ſchool with my father.—When he underſtood my ſituation, he aſſured me that he would do me all the ſervice in his power, both by his advice and otherwiſe; and while he ſpoke theſe words, he eyed me with great attention, walking round me ſeveral times, and muttering, ‘"O Ch—ſt! O Ch—ſt! fat a ſaight is here?"—’I ſoon gueſſed the reaſon of of his ejaculation, and ſaid, ‘"I ſuppoſe, ſir, you are not pleaſed with my dreſs."—’ ‘"Dreſs, (anſwered he) you may caal it fat you pleaſe, in your country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a maſquerade here.—No chriſtian will admit ſuch a figure into his hawſe.—Upon my con⯑ſcience! I wonder the dogs did not hunt you.—Did you paſs through St. James's market?—God bleſs my eye-ſaight! you look like a couſin-german of Ouran Outang."—’I began to be a little ſerious at this diſcourſe, and asked him, if he thought I ſhould obtain entrance to⯑morrow at the houſe Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended, for an introduction into buſi⯑neſs.—‘"Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer (replied he, ſcratching his cheek) may be a very honeſt gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary; but is your ſole dependance upon him?—Who recommended you to him?"—’I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes; at which he ſtared at me, and re⯑peated, [106] ‘"O Ch—ſt!"—’I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would aſſiſt me with his advice; which he pro⯑miſed to do very frankly; and as a ſpecimen, di⯑rected us to a perriwig ware-houſe, in the neigh⯑bourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying ſtrong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer, till I had parted with theſe carroty locks, which (he ſaid) were ſufficient to beget an antipathy againſt me, in all mankind.—And as we were going to purſue this advice, he called me back, and bid me be ſure to deliver my let⯑ter into Mr. Cringer's own hand.—As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend, who (it ſeems) had aſſured him, he would in a day or two provide for him, with ſome good maſter; and ‘"now (ſays he) you ſhall ſee how I will fit you with a wig—There's ne'er a barber in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a penny-weight of dead hair upon me."—’And indeed this zealous adherent did wrangle ſo long with the merchant, that he was deſired twenty times to leave the ſhop, and ſee if he could get one cheaper elſewhere. At length I made choice of a good handſome bob, for which I paid fifteen ſhillings; and returned to our lodging, where Strap, in a moment, rid me of that hair which had given the ſchool-maſter ſo much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all his dependants, he himſelf be⯑ing obliged to attend the levee of my lord Ter⯑rier, at break of day; becauſe his lordſhip made one at the miniſter's between eight and nine a⯑clock.—When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, [107] Strap, to give me an inſtance of his politeneſs, run to the knocker, which he employed ſo loud and ſo long, that he alarmed the whole ſtreet; and a window opening up two pair of ſtairs in the next houſe, a chamber-pot was diſcharged upon him ſo ſucceſsfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at ſome diſtance, eſcaped the unſavoury deluge.—In the mean time, a footman opening the door, and ſee⯑in no body in the ſtreet but us, asked with a ſtern countenance, if it was I who made ſuch a damned noiſe, and what I wanted.—I told him I had buſineſs with his maſter, whom I deſired to ſee.—Upon which, he clapt the door in my face, telling me, I muſt learn better manners be⯑fore I could have acceſs to his maſter. Vexed at this diſappointment, I turned my reſentment againſt Strap, whom I ſharply reprimanded for his preſumption; but he not in the leaſt regard⯑ing what I ſaid, wrung the urine out of his per⯑riwig, and lifting up a large ſtone, flung it with ſuch force againſt the ſtreet-door of that houſe from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could.—Indeed there was no time for deliberation; I therefore purſued him with all the ſpeed I could exert, until we found ourſelves, about the dawn, in a ſtreet we did not know. Here as we wan⯑dered along, gaping about, a very decent ſort of a man, paſſing by me, ſtopped of a ſudden, and took up ſomething, which having examined, he turned, and preſented it to me with theſe words, ‘"Sir, you have dropt half a crown."—’I was not a little ſurprized at this inſtance of honeſty, and told him, it did not belong to me; but he [108] bid me recollect and ſee if all my money was ſafe, upon which I pulled out my purſe (for I had bought one ſince I came to town) and reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas, ſeven ſhillings and two pence, I aſſured him I had loſt nothing.—‘"Well then, (ſays he) ſo much the better,—this is God⯑ſend—and as you two were preſent when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal ſhares with me."—’I was aſtoniſhed at theſe words, and looked upon this perſon to be a prodigy of integrity, but abſolutely refuſed any part of the ſum.—‘"Come, gentlemen, (ſaid he) you are too modeſt—I ſee you are ſtrangers—but you ſhall give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning."—’I would have declined this invitation, but Strap whiſpered to me, that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied.—‘"Where ſhall we go? (ſaid the ſtranger) I am quite ignorant of this part of the town."—’I informed him that we were in the ſame ſituation: Upon which he propoſed to go into the firſt public houſe we ſhould find open. As we walked together, he began in this manner:—‘"I find by your tongues you are come from Scotland, gentlemen.—My grandmother by the father's ſide was of your country, which has prepoſſeſſed me ſo much in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms.—The Scots are a very brave people.—There is ſcarce a great family in the king⯑dom, that cannot boaſt of ſome exploits per⯑formed by its anceſtors many hundred years ago.—There's your Douglaſſes, Gordons, Campbels, Hamiltons.—We have no ſuch an⯑cient families here in England.—Then you [109] are all very well educated.—I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as well as if they had been his mother tongue—And for honeſty—I once had a ſervant, his name was Gregory Macgregor, I would have truſted him with untold gold."—’This eulogium on my native country, gained my affection ſo ſtrong⯑ly, that I believe I could have gone to death to ſerve the author; and Strap's eyes ſwam in tears. At length, as we paſſed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public houſe, which we en⯑tered; and found a man ſitting by the fire, ſmoaking a pipe with a pint of purl before him.—Our new acquaintance asked us, if ever we had drank egg flip; to which we anſwering in the negative, he aſſured us of a regale, and or⯑dered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the ſame time. We found this com⯑poſition very palatable, and drank heartily; the converſation (which was introduced by the gen⯑tleman) turning upon the ſnares that young unexperienced people are expoſed to in this me⯑tropolis.—He deſcribed a thouſand cheats that are daily practiſed upon the ignorant and unwary; and warned us of them with ſo much good-na⯑ture and concern, that we bleſſed the opportunity which threw us into his way.—After we had put the cann about for ſome time, our new friend be⯑gan to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a ſick perſon; and propoſed we ſhould have recourſe to ſome diverſion to keep him awake.—‘"Suppoſe (ſaid he) we ſhould take a hand at whiſt for paſtime—But let me ſee, that won't do, there's only three of us; and I cannot play at any other game—The truth is, I ſel⯑dom or never play, but out of complaiſance, [110] or at ſuch a time as this, when I am in dan⯑ger of falling aſleep."—’Although I had no great inclination for gaming, I felt no averſion to paſs an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap underſtood as much of the matter as I, made no ſcruple of ſaying, ‘"I wiſh we could find a fourth hand."—’While we were in this perplexity, the perſon whom we found at our entrance, overhearing our diſcourſe, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accoſted us thus: ‘"Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you ſee, (ſhaking the aſhes into the fire) and rather than you ſhould be baulked, I don't care if I take a hand with you, for a trifle,—but remember I won't play for any thing of conſequence."—’We accepted his profer with pleaſure; and having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him, againſt our friend and Strap, for three pence a game.—We were ſo ſucceſsful, that in a ſhort time I was half a crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the ſtreet obſerving he had no luck to-day, propoſed to leave off, or change partners.—By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune, and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two ſtrangers plaid but indifferently: there⯑fore I voted for giving him his revenge, with which he complied after ſome intreaty, and cut⯑ting again, Strap and I (to our mutual ſatisfac⯑tion) happened to be partners.—My good for⯑tune attended me ſtill, and in leſs than an hour, we had got thirty ſhillings of their money; for as they loſt, they grew the keener and doubled ſtakes every time. At laſt the inconſtant god⯑deſs began to veer about, and we were very ſoon ſtript of all our gains, and about forty ſhillings [111] of our own money. This mortified me extreme⯑ly, and had a viſible effect on the muſcles of Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagoniſts perceiving our condition, kindly per⯑mitted us to retrieve our loſs, and conſole our⯑ſelves with a new acquiſition.—Then my com⯑panion wiſely ſuggeſted it was time to begone; upon which, the perſon who had joined us in the houſe began to curſe the cards; and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of our ſucceſs being owing to our good play.—This inſinuation nettled me ſo much, that I challenged him to continue the game for a crown; and he was with difficulty perſuaded to accept the invitation.—This con⯑teſt ended in leſs than an hour, to my inexpreſſible affliction, who loſt every ſhilling of my own money, Strap abſolutely refuſing to ſupply me with a ſix-pence.—The gentleman, at whoſe re⯑queſt we had come in, perceiving by my diſcon⯑ſolate looks the ſituation of my heart, which well nigh burſted with grief and reſentment, when the other ſtranger got up, and went away with my money; began in this manner: ‘"I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my power.—But what in the name of goodneſs could provoke you to tempt your fate ſo long? It is always a maxim with gameſters to purſue ſucceſs as far as it will go, and to ſtop whenever fortune ſhifts about.—You are a young man, and your paſ⯑ſions too impetuous; you muſt learn to go⯑vern them better:—However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longeſt day you have to live.—As for the fellow who has got [112] your money, I don't half like him—Did not you obſerve me tip you the wink, to leave off in time?"—’I anſwered, No. ‘"No, (con⯑tinued he) you was too eager to mind any thing but the game.—But, harkee, (ſaid he, in a whiſper) are you ſatisfied of that young man's honeſty? his looks are a little ſuſpicious;—but I may be miſtaken;—he made a great many grimaces while he ſtood behind you;—this is a very wicked town."—’I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's inte⯑grity, and that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtleſs owing to his anxiety at my loſs.—‘"O ho! if that be the caſe, I ask his pardon.—Landlord, ſee what's to pay."—’The rec⯑koning came to eighteen pence, which having diſcharged, the gentleman ſhook us both by the hand, and ſaying he ſhould be very glad to ſee us again, departed.

CHAP. XV.

IN our way to our lodging, after a profound ſilence on both ſides, Strap with a hideous groan obſerved, that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this I made no reply, and he went on: ‘"God ſend us well out of this place, we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thouſand misfortunes.—We have been jeered, reproached, buffetted, piſſed upon, and at laſt ſtript of our money; and I ſuppoſe by and by we ſhall be ſtript of our skins.—Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly; Solomon ſays, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wiſe. Ah! God help us, an ounce of pru⯑dence is worth a pound of gold."’ This was no time for him to tamper with my diſpoſition, already mad with my loſs, and inflamed with re⯑ſentment [114] againſt him, who had refuſed me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore, turned towards him with a ſtern countenance, and asked him, ‘"Who he called fool!"’ Being altogether unaccuſtomed with ſuch looks from me, he ſtood ſtill and ſtared in my face for ſome time; then, with ſome confuſion, uttered ‘"Fool!—I called no body fool but myſelf;—I am ſure, I am the greateſt fool of the two, for being ſo much concerned at other people's misfortunes;—but Nemo omnibus horis ſapit.—that's all—that's all."—’Upon which a ſilence enſued that brought us to our lodging, where I threw my⯑ſelf into the bed in an agony of deſpair, reſolv⯑ing to periſh for want, rather than apply to my companion or any other body for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whoſe heart bled within him at my diſtreſs, after ſome pauſe, came to the bed-ſide, and putting a leather purſe into my hand, burſt into tears, crying, ‘"I know what you think: but I ſcorn your thoughts.—There's all I have in the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you be⯑fore that be done—if not, I'll beg for you, ſteal for you, go through the wide world with you, and ſtarve with you, for though I be a poor cobler's ſon, I am no ſcout."—’I was ſo touched with the generous paſſion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping alſo, and we mingled our tears together for ſome time.—Upon examining the purſe, I found in it two half guineas and half a crown, which I would have returned to him, ſaying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but he abſolute⯑ly refuſed my propoſal, and told me, it was more reaſonable and decent that he ſhould depend upon [115] me who was a gentleman, than that I ſhould be controuled by him.

After this friendly conteſt was over, and our minds more at eaſe, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced: He no ſooner heard the ſtory, than he aſſured us we had been grievouſly impoſed upon by a couple of ſharpers, who were aſſociates; and that this po⯑lite, honeſt, friendly, humane perſon, who had treated us ſo civilly, was no other than a raſcally money-dropper, who made it his buſineſs to de⯑coy ſtrangers in that manner, to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two was always waiting to aſſiſt in pillaging the prey they had run down.—Here the good man recounted a great many ſtories of people who had been ſe⯑duced, cheated, pilfered, beat,—nay, even murdered by ſuch villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedneſs of mankind, and Strap liſting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from ſcenes of ſuch iniquity; for ſurely the devil had ſet up his throne in London.—Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he ſhook his head, and told us, we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a m—b—r of p—m—t without a bribe: that the ſervant was commonly infected with the maſter's diſeaſe, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters.—He there⯑fore adviſed me to give the footman a ſhilling the next time I deſired admittance to my patron, or elſe I ſhould ſcarce find an opportunity to de⯑liver my letter. Accordingly, next morning, [116] when the door was opened, I ſlipt a ſhilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his maſter.—I found the good effects of my libera⯑lity; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand, deſired me to wait in a kind of paſſage, for an anſwer. In this place I continued ſtanding three quarters of an hour, during which time I ſaw a great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scot⯑land, paſs and repaſs, with an air of familiarity in their way to and from the audience chamber: while I was fain to ſtand ſhivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they might not perceive the lowneſs of my condition.—At length, Mr. Cringer came out to ſee a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than 'ſquire Gawky, dreſſed in a very gay ſuit of cloaths: At parting Mr. Cringer ſhook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleaſure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands: when he underſtood I was the perſon who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which however, he pretended he could not do, till he had conſulted the letter again; to ſave him that trouble, I told him my name was Random.—Upon which he went on, ‘"Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I think I remember the name;"’ and very well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer had many a time rode before my grand⯑father's cloak-bag, in quality of footman.—‘"Well, (ſays he) you propoſe to go on board a man of war, as ſurgeon's mate."’ To which I replied by a low bow. ‘"I believe it will be a difficult matter (continued he) to procure a [117] warrant, there being already ſuch a ſwarm of Scotch ſurgeons at the navy office, in expecta⯑tion of the next vacancy, that the commiſſi⯑oners are afraid of being torn in pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect them.—However, ſome ſhips will ſoon be put in commiſſion, and then we ſhall ſee what's to be done."—’So ſaying, he left me, exceed⯑ingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upſtart, proud, mean member, who (I imagined) would have thought it an happineſs to have it in his power to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was ſurprized with the agree⯑able news of Strap's being employed on the re⯑commendation of his friend the ſchool-maſter, by a perriwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five ſhillings per week, beſides bed and board.—I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levée of Mr. Cringer, dur⯑ing a fortnight, in which time I became acquaint⯑ed with a young fellow of my own country and profeſſion, who alſo depended on the mem⯑ber's intereſt; but was treated with much more reſpect than I, both by the ſervants and maſter, being often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire, for the convenience of the better ſort of thoſe who waited for him.—Thither I was never permitted to penetrate on account of my appearance, which was not at all faſhionable; but was obliged to ſtand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the firſt opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door, to ſpeak with him.—One day, while I enjoyed this occaſion, a perſon was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no [118] ſooner ſaw, then running towards him, he ſaluted him with a bow to the very ground, and after⯑wards ſhaking him by the hand with great hearti⯑neſs and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly how Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies did; then, after a whiſper which continued ſome minutes, wherein I over-heard the word Honour repeated ſeveral times with great emphaſis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a perſon whoſe advice and aſſiſtance I might depend upon, and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me, I needed not give myſelf the trouble to call at his houſe any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my buſineſs for me. At that inſtant my fellow dependant coming out after me, over-heard the diſcourſe of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the ſtreet, accoſted me very civilly, which I looked upon as no ſmall honour, conſidering the figure he made; for he was dreſſed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green ſilk waiſtcoat trim⯑med with gold, black velvet breeches, white ſilk ſtockings, ſilver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a ſpen⯑cer wig, and a ſilver hilted hanger, with a fine clouded cane in his hand.—‘"I perceive (ſays he) you are but lately come from Scotland:—pray what may your buſineſs with Mr. Cringer be?—I ſuppoſe it is no ſecret—and I may poſſibly give you ſome advice that will be ſerviceable; for I have been ſurgeon's ſecond mate on board of a ſeventy-gun ſhip, and conſequently know a good deal of the world."—’I made no ſcruple to diſcloſe my ſituation, which when he had learned, he ſhook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in the ſame circumſtances about a year ago; that he had relied on Cringer's pro⯑miſes [119] ſo long, that his money (which was conſi⯑derable) as well as his credit, was quite exhauſted; and when he wrote to his relations for a freſh ſup⯑ply, inſtead of money, he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow: That after he had waited at the Navy-Office many months for a warrant, to no pur⯑poſe, he was fain to pawn ſome of his cloaths, which raiſed him a ſmall ſum, wherewith he bribed the ſ—t—y, who ſoon procured a warrant for him, notwithſtanding he had affirmed the ſame day, that there was not one vacancy.—That he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the end of which the ſhip was put out of commiſſion, and the company to be paid off in Broad-ſtreet the very next day.—That his relations being reconcil'd to him, had charg'd him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter, that his intereſt alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command, he came to his levee every morning as I ſaw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful ſcoundrel—In concluſion, he aſked me if I had yet paſſed at Surgeon's-Hall? To which I anſwered, I did not ſo much as know it was neceſſary—‘"Neceſſary! (cried he) O lord, O lord! I find I muſt inſtruct you—come along with me, and I'll give you ſome information about that matter."—’So ſaying, he carried me into an ale-houſe, where he called for ſome beer and bread and cheeſe, on which we break⯑faſted. While we ſat in this place, he told me I muſt firſt go to the Navy-Office, and write to the board, deſiring them to order a letter for me to the Surgeon's-Hall, that I may be examined touching my ſkill in ſurgery: That the Surgeons, [120] after having examined me, would give me my qualification ſealed up in form of a letter directed to the commiſſioners, which qualification I muſt deliver to the ſecretary of the board, who would open it in my preſence, and read the contents. After which, I muſt employ my intereſt to be provided for as ſoon as poſſible—That the ex⯑pence of his qualification for ſecond mate of a third rate, amounted to thirteen ſhillings, exclu⯑ſive of the warrant, which coſt him half a guinea and half a crown, beſides the preſent to the ſecre⯑tary, which conſiſted of a three pound twelve piece.—This calculation was like a thunder-bolt to me, whoſe whole fortune did not amount to twelve ſhillings—I accordingly made him ac⯑quainted with this part of my diſtreſs, after hav⯑ing thanked him for his information and advice.—He condoled with me on this occaſion; but bid me be of good chear, for he had conceived a friendſhip for me, and would make all things eaſy.—'Tis true he was run out at preſent, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiv⯑ing a conſiderable ſum; of which he would lend me what would be ſufficient to anſwer my exi⯑gences. This frank declaration pleaſed me ſo much, that I pulled out my purſe and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleaſed for pocket expence until he ſhould receive his own money.—With a good deal of preſſing he was prevailed upon to take five ſhillings, telling me that he might have what money he pleaſed at any time, for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me, he would deſer his going thither till to-morrow, when I ſhould go along with him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myſelf, without a ſervile dependance [121] on that raſcal Cringer, much leſs on the louſy taylor to whom I heard him turn you over.—‘"How (cried I) is Mr. Staytape a taylor?"—’ ‘"No leſs, I'll aſſure you (anſwer'd he) and I confeſs, more likely to ſerve you than the member: For provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich cloaths as you pleaſe."—’I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and ſo incens'd at Cringer's uſage, that I would never ſet my foot within his door again.—After a good deal more converſa⯑tion, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to meet next day at the ſame place, in order to ſet out for the city.—I went immediately to Strap, and related every thing which had happen'd, but he did not at all approve of my being ſo forward to lend money to a ſtranger, eſpecially as we had been already ſo much impos'd upon by appearances. ‘"How⯑ever, (ſaid he) if you are ſure he is a Scotch⯑man, I believe you are ſafe."’

CHAP. XVI.

IN the morning I got up and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain; and was ſo exaſperated againſt him for breaking his appointment, that I ſet out for the city by myſelf, in hopes of finding the villain, and being reveng'd on him for his perfidy.—At length I found myſelf at the Navy-Office, which I en⯑tered, and ſaw crowds of young fellows walking below; many of whom made no better appear⯑ance than myſelf—I conſulted the phyſiognomy of each, and at laſt made up to one whoſe counte⯑nance I lik'd; and aſk'd, if he could inſtruct me in the form of the letter which was to be ſent to the board, to obtain an order for examination: He anſwered me in broad Scotch, that he would ſhew me the copy of what he had wrote for him⯑ſelf, [123] by the direction of another who knew the form: And accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my peruſal; and told me, that if I was ex⯑peditious, I might ſend it in to the board before dinner, for they did no buſineſs in the afternoon. He then went with me to a coffee-houſe hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was imme⯑diately delivered to the meſſenger; who told me, I might expect an order to-morrow about the ſame time.—Having tranſacted this piece of buſi⯑neſs, my mind was a good deal compos'd; and as I had met with ſo much civility from this ſtranger, I deſired further acquaintance with him, fully reſolved however, not to be deceived by him ſo much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau—He agreed to dine with me at the cook's ſhop which I frequented; and on our way thither, carried me to 'Change, where I was in ſome hopes of finding Mr. Jackſon (for that was the name of the perſon who had broke his appoint⯑ment)—I ſought him there to no purpoſe, and on our way to the other end of the town, im⯑parted to my companion his behaviour towards me: Upon which, he gave me to underſtand, that he was no ſtranger to the name of beau Jack⯑ſon (ſo he was called at the Navy-Office) altho' he did not know him perſonally; that he had the character of a good-natur'd careleſs fellow, who made no ſcruple of borrowing from any body that would lend; that moſt people who knew him, believed he had a good enough principle at the bottom; but his extravagance was ſuch, he would probably never have it in his power to manifeſt the honeſty of his intention.—This account made me ſweat for my five ſhillings, which I nevertheleſs did not altogether deſpair of recovering, provided [124] I could find out the debtor.—This young man likewiſe added another circumſtance of 'Squire Jack⯑ſon's hiſtory, which was, that being deſtitute of all means to equip him for ſea, when he receiv'd his laſt warrant, he had been recommended to a perſon who lent him a little money, after he had ſigned a will and power, entitling that perſon to lift his wages when they ſhould become due, as alſo to inherit his effects in caſe of his death.—That he was ſtill under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced him ſmall ſums from time to time upon this ſecurity, at the rate of 50 per cent. But at preſent his credit was very low, becauſe his funds would do little more than pay what he had already receiv'd; this moderate intereſt included.—After the ſtranger (whoſe name was Thomſon) had entertain'd me with this ac⯑count of Jackſon, he inform'd me, that he him⯑ſelf had paſſed for a third mate of a third rate, about four months ago; ſince which time, he had conſtantly attended at the Navy-Office, in hopes of a warrant, having been aſſur'd from the beginning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commiſſioners to whom the member recom⯑mended him, that he ſhould be put into the firſt vacancy; notwithſtanding which promiſe, he had had the mortification to ſee ſix or ſeven appointed in the ſame ſtation almoſt every week—that now being utterly impoveriſh'd, his ſole hope conſiſted in the promiſe of a friend lately come to town, to lend him a ſmall matter, for a preſent to the ſ—t—y; without which he was perſuaded he might wait a thouſand years to no purpoſe.—I conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the ſimilitude of our fortunes: We ſpent the whole day toge⯑ther; [125] and as he lived at Wapping. I deſir'd him to take a ſhare of my bed.—Next day we re⯑turned to the Navy-Office, where, after being called before the board and queſtion'd about the place of my nativity and education, they order'd a letter to be made out for me, which, upon pay⯑ing half a crown to the clerk, I receiv'd, and de⯑liver'd into the hands of the clerk at Surgeon's-Hall, together with a ſhilling for his trouble in regiſtering my name.—By this time my whole ſtock was diminiſhed to two ſhillings, and I ſaw not the leaſt proſpect of relief, even for preſent ſubſiſtence, much leſs to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeon's-Hall for my examination, which was to happen in a fortnight.—In this ſtate of perplexity, I conſulted Strap, who aſſured me, he would pawn every thing he had in the world, even to his razors, before I ſhould want: but this I abſolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thou⯑ſand times rather liſt for a ſoldier, of which I had ſome thoughts, than be any longer a burthen to him.—At the word ſoldier, he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees, I would think no more of that ſcheme. ‘"God preſerve us all in our right wits! (cried he) would you turn ſoldier, and perhaps be ſent abroad againſt the Spaniards, where you muſt ſtand and be ſhot at like a woodcock?—Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcaſs! and let me die in a bed like a chriſtian, as all my fore-fathers have done.—What ſignifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not content—And in the next, there is no reſpect of per⯑ſons. Better be a poor honeſt Barber with a good conſcience, and time to repent of my ſins upon my death bed, than be cut off [126] (God bleſs us) by a muſket ſhot, as it were in the very flower of one's age, in the purſuit of riches and fame.—What ſignifies riches (my dear friend!) do they not make unto themſelves wings, as the wiſe-man ſaith; and does not Horace obſerve, ‘"Non domus aut fundus, non aeris accrvus aut duri Aegroto domini deduxit corpore febrem, non animo curas.—’I could moreover mention many other ſay⯑ings in contempt of riches, both from the bible and other good books; but as I know you are not very fond of theſe things, I ſhall only aſſure you, that if you take on to be a ſoldier, I will do the ſame; and then if we ſhould both be ſlain, you will not only have your own blood to anſwer for, but mine alſo: And peradventure the lives of all thoſe whom we ſhall kill in battle.—Therefore I pray you, conſider whether you will ſit down contented with ſmall things, and ſhare the fruits of my induſtry in peace, 'till providence ſhall ſend better tidings; or by your deſpair, plunge both our ſouls and bodies into everlaſt⯑ing perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid."—’I could not help ſmiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earneſtneſs, the tears ſtanding in his eyes all the time; and promiſed to do nothing of that ſort without his conſent and concurrence.—He was much comforted with this declaration; and told me, in a few days he ſhould receive a week's wages which ſhould be at my ſervice, but adviſed me in the mean time, to go in queſt of Jackſon, and recover, if poſſible, what he had borrow'd of me.—I accordingly trudg'd about from one end of the town to the other, for ſeveral days, with⯑out [127] being able to learn any thing certain concern⯑ing him: And, one day, being extreamly hungry and allur'd by the ſteams that regal'd my noſtrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an in⯑tention to gratify my appetite with two-penny worth of beef; when, to my no ſmall ſurprize, I found Mr. Jackſon ſitting at dinner with a foot⯑man—He no ſooner perceiv'd me than he got up, and ſhook me by the hand, ſaying, ‘"He was glad to ſee me, for he intended to have call'd at my lodgings in the afternoon."—’I was ſo well pleas'd with this rencounter, and the apolo⯑gies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my reſentment, and ſat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only re⯑covering my own money before we ſhould part, but alſo reaping the benefit of his promiſe to lend me wherewithal to paſs examination; and this my ſanguine complexion ſuggeſted, notwithſtand⯑ing the account Thompſon gave me of him, ought to have taught me better.—When we had feaſted ſumptuouſly, he took his leave of the foot⯑man, and adjourned with me to an ale-houſe hard by, where after ſhaking me by the hand again, he began thus, ‘"I ſuppoſe you think me a ſad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confeſs that appear⯑ances are againſt me—but I dare ſay you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed, was owing to a peremptory meſſage, I receiv'd from a cer⯑tain lady, whom—harkee (but this is a great ſecret) I am to marry very ſoon—You think this ſtrange perhaps, but it is not leſs true for all that—a five thouſand pounder, I'll aſſure you, beſides expectations—For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can [128] ſee engaging about me—but a whim you know,—and then one would not baulk one's good fortune—You ſaw that footman who din'd with us—he's one of the honeſteſt fel⯑lows that ever wore livery—You muſt know, it was by his means, I was introduced to her, for he made me firſt acquainted with her wo⯑man, who is his miſtreſs—ay, many a crown has he and his ſweet-heart had of my money—but what of that! things are now brought to a bearing.—I have—(come a little this way) I have propos'd marriage, and the day is fix'd—ſhe's a charming creature! and writes like an angel—O lord! ſhe can repeat all the Engliſh tragedies as well as e'er a player in Drury-Lane; and indeed is ſo fond of plays, that to be near the ſtage, ſhe has taken lodg⯑ings in a court hard by the theatre—But you ſhall ſee—you ſhall ſee—here's the laſt letter ſhe ſent me."—’With theſe words he put it into my hand, and I read (to the beſt of my re⯑membrance as follows:

[129] While I was reading, he ſeemed to be in an ex⯑taſy, rubbing his hands, and burſting out into fits of laughter; at laſt he caught hold of my hand, and ſqueezing it, cried out, ‘"There is ſtile for you! what do you think of this billet doux?"’ I anſwer'd, ‘"It might be ſublime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my compre⯑henſion."—’ ‘"O ho! (ſaid he) I believe it is—both tender and ſublime—ſhe's a divine creature! and ſo doats upon me!—Let me ſee—what ſhall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands?—In the firſt place I ſhall do for you—I'm a man of few words—but, ſay no more—that's deter⯑min'd—Whether would you adviſe me to pur⯑chaſe ſome poſt, by which I may riſe in the ſtate; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?"’ I gave my opinion without heſitation, that he could not do better than buy an eſtate and improve it; eſ⯑pecially ſince he had already ſeen ſo much of the world. Then I launch'd out into the praiſes of a country life, as deſcrib'd by the poets whoſe works I had read—He ſeem'd to reliſh my ad⯑vice, but withal told me, that although he had ſeen a great deal of the world both at land and ſea, having cruiz'd three whole months in the channel, yet he ſhould not be ſatisfied until he had viſited France, which he propos'd to do before he ſhould ſettle; and to carry his wife along with him.—I had nothing to object to his propoſal; and aſk'd him, how ſoon he hop'd to be happy.—‘"As to that (replied he) nothing obſtructs my happi⯑neſs, but the want of a little ready caſh—for you muſt know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two; and I [130] unfortunately miſſed my pay at Broad-ſtreet, by being detain'd too long by the dear char⯑mer—but there will be a recal at Chatham next week, whither the ſhip's books are ſent, and I have commiſſion'd a friend in that place to receive the money."—’ ‘"If that be all (ſaid I) there's no great harm in deferring your mar⯑riage a few days."—’ ‘"Yes, faith! but there is (replied he) you don't know how many ri⯑vals I have, who would take all advantages a⯑gainſt me—I would not baulk the impatience of her paſſion for the world—the leaſt appear⯑ance of coldneſs and indifference would ruin all: and ſuch offers don't occur every day."’ I acquieſc'd in this obſervation, and enquir'd how he intended to proceed: At this he rubb'd his chin, and ſaid, ‘"Why, truly I muſt be oblig'd to ſome friend or other—do you know no⯑body that would lend me a ſmall ſum for a day or two?"—’I aſſur'd him, I was ſuch an ut⯑ter ſtranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea, if my life depended upon it.—‘"No (ſaid he) that's hard—that's hard—I wiſh I had any thing to pawn upon my ſoul! you have got excellent linen (feeling the ſleeve of my ſhirt) how many ſhirts of that kind have you got?"—’I anſwer'd, ‘"ſix ruffled and ſix plain."—’At which [...] teſtified great ſurprize, and ſwore that no gentleman ought to have more than four—‘"How many d'ye think I have got (continued he;) but this and another as I hope to be ſav'd!—I dare ſay we ſhall be able to raiſe a good firm out of your ſuper⯑fluity—let me ſee—let me ſee—each of theſe ſhirts are worth eighteen ſhillings at a mode⯑rate computation—now ſuppoſe we pawn them [131] for half price—eight times eight is ſixty-four, that's three pound four—z—ds! it will do—give me your hand."—’ ‘"Softly, ſoftly, Mr. Jackſon (ſaid I) don't diſpoſe of my linen without my conſent: firſt pay me the crown you owe me, and then we ſhall talk of other matters."—’He proteſted he had not above one ſhilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the firſt money raiſed from the ſhirts—This piece of aſſurance incenſed me ſo much, that I ſwore I would not part with him until I had received ſatisfaction for what I had lent him, and as for the ſhirts I would not pawn one of them to ſave him from the gallows.—At this expreſſion he laughed aloud, and then com⯑plained, it was damned hard, that I ſhould refuſe him a trifle, that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune, but mine alſo.—‘"You talk of pawning my ſhirts (ſaid I) what would you think of ſelling this hanger, Mr. Jackſon? I believe it would fetch a good round ſum."—’ ‘"No, hang it (ſaid he) I can't appear decently without my hanger, or by G—d it ſhould go."—’However, ſeeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and ſhewing me the ſign of three blue balls, deſired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two guineas.—This office I would by no means have performed, had I ſeen any likelihood of having my money otherwiſe; but not willing, out of a piece of falſe delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I ſhould, perhaps, ever have, I ventured into a pawn-broker's ſhop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams.—‘"Two guineas, (ſaid the pawn-broker, looking at the hanger) [132] this piece of goods has been here ſeveral times before, for thirty ſhillings; however, ſince I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he ſhall have what he wants;"’ and accordingly he paid me the money, which I car⯑ried to the houſe where I had left Jackſon, and calling for change, I counted out to him ſeven and thirty ſhillings, reſerving the other five for myſelf.—After looking at the money ſome time, he ſaid, ‘"D—n it! it don't ſignify—this won't do my buſineſs; ſo you may as well take half a guinea or a whole one, as the five ſhil⯑lings you have kept."—’I thanked him kindly, but refuſed to accept of any more than was my due, becauſe I had no proſpect of repaying it.—Upon which he ſtared in my face, and told me, I was exceſſively raw, or I would not talk in that manner.—‘"Blood! (cried he) I have a ve⯑ry bad opinion of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend, when he's in want—'tis the ſign of a ſpeaking ſpirit.—Come, come, Random, give me back the five ſhil⯑lings, and take this half guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will; if not, d—n me, if ever I aſk it."—’When I reflected on my preſent neceſſity, I ſuffered myſelf to be perſuaded, and after making my acknow⯑ledgments to Mr. Jackſon, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning: and at night, imparted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, ſaying, ‘"I told you, if he was a Scotchman you was ſafe enough—and who knows but this marriage may make us all.—You have heard, I ſuppoſe, as how a country⯑man [133] of ours, a journeyman baker, run away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach—Ecod! I ſay nothing; but yeſterday morning as I was ſhaving a gentle⯑man at his own houſe, there was a young lady in the room—a fine buxom wench, i' faith! and ſhe threw ſo many ſheep's eyes at a certain perſon, whom I ſhall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand ſh—ſh—ſhook ſo much that I ſliced a piece of ſkin off the gentleman's noſe; whereby he ſwore a deadly oath, and was going to horſewhip me, when ſhe prevented him, and made my peace.—Omen haud malum! Is not a journeyman barber as good as a jour⯑neyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uſes flour for the belly, and the barber uſes it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly, ſo is a barber more noble than a baker—for what's the belly without the head?—Beſides, I am told he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both: And moreover ſpeak Latin.—But I will ſay no more, for I deſpiſe vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity."—’With theſe words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle's end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found he had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dreſs become a very ſmart ſhaver.—I congratulated him on his proſpect with a ſatirical ſmile, which he underſtood very well; and ſhaking his head, obſerved I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in ſpite of my incredulity.

CHAP. XVII.

WITH the aſſiſtance of this faithful adhe⯑rent, who gave me almoſt all the money he earned, I preſerved my half guinea entire, till the day of examination, when I went with a trembling heart to Surgeon's-hall, in order to undergo that ceremony.—Among a croud of young fellows who walked in the outward hall. I perceived Mr. Jackſon, to whom I immediately went up, and enquiring into the ſtate of his a⯑mour, underſtood it was ſtill undetermined by reaſon of his friend's abſence, and the delay of the recal at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a concluſion.—I then asked what his buſineſs was in this place; to which he replied, he was reſolved to have two-ſtrings to his bow, that in caſe the one [...]iled he might uſe the other; and with this view, he was to paſs that night for a higher qualification.—At that inſtant [136] a young fellow came out from the place of exa⯑mination, with a pale countenance, his lip qui⯑vering, and his looks as wild as if he had ſeen a ghoſt.—He no ſooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmoſt eagerneſs to know what reception he had met with; which (after ſome pauſe) he deſcribed, recounting all the queſtions they had asked, with the anſwers he made. In this manner, we obliged no leſs than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was paſt, they did with pleaſure, before it fell to my lot: At length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble, as much as if it had been the laſt trumpet: However, there was no remedy, I was conducted into a large hall, where I ſaw about a dozen of grim faces ſitting at a long table. One of whom bid me come forward in ſuch an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my ſenſes.—The firſt queſtion he put to me was, ‘"Where was you born?"’ To which I anſwered, In Scotland.—‘"In Scotland (ſaid he) I know that very well—we have ſcarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotch⯑men have overſpread us of late as the locuſts did Egypt:—I ask you in what part of Scot⯑land was you born?"—’I named the place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: He then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I ſerved my time, with the term of my apprenticeſhip; and when I had in⯑formed him that I ſerved three years only, he fell into a violent paſſion; ſwore it was a ſhame and a ſcandal to ſend ſuch raw boys into the world as ſurgeons; that it was great preſumption in me, and an affront upon the Engliſh, to pretend to [136] ſufficient skill in my buſineſs, having ſerved ſo ſhort a time, when every apprentice in England was bound ſeven years at leaſt;—that my friends had done better if they had made me a weaver or ſhoemaker, but their pride would have me a gentleman (he ſuppoſed) at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the neceſſary education.—This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my ſpirits, but on the contrary, re⯑duced me to ſuch a ſituation that I was ſcarce able to ſtand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman, who ſat oppoſite to me, with a skull before him, he ſaid Mr. Snarler was too ſevere upon the young man; and turning towards me, told me, I need not be afraid, for no body would do me any harm; then bidding me take time to recollect myſelf, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well ſa⯑tisfied with my anſwers.—The next perſon who queſtioned me was a wag, who began by asking me if I had ever ſeen amputation performed; to which I replying in the affirmative, he ſhook his head and ſaid, ‘"What! upon a dead ſubject, I ſuppoſe? If (continued he) during an en⯑gagement at ſea, a man ſhould be brought to you with his head ſhot off, how would you behave?"—’After ſome heſitation, I owned, ſuch a caſe had never come under my obſerva⯑tion; neither did I remember to have ſeen any method of cure propoſed for ſuch an accident, in any of the ſyſtems of ſurgery I had peruſed. Whether it was owing to the ſimplicity of my anſwer, or the archneſs of the queſtion, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to ſmile, except Mr. Snarler, who ſeemed to have very little of the animal riſibile in his conſtitution. [137] —The facetious member, encouraged by the ſuc⯑ceſs of his laſt joke, went on thus: ‘"Suppoſe you was called to a patient of a plethoric ha⯑bit, who had been bruiſed by a fall, what would you do?"’ I anſwered, I would bleed him immediately. ‘"What, (ſaid he) before you tied up his arm?"—’But this ſtroke of wit not anſwering his expectation, he deſired me to advance to the gentleman who ſat next him; and who with a pert air, aſked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the inteſtines.—I repeated the method of cure as it is preſcribed by the beſt chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then ſaid with a ſupercilious ſmile. ‘"So, you think with ſuch treatment the patient might recover?"—’I told him I ſaw nothing to make me think otherwiſe.—‘"That may be (reſumed he) I won't anſwer for your foreſight;—but did you ever know a caſe of this kind ſucceed?"’ I acknowledged I did not; and was about to tell him I had never ſeen a wounded inteſtine; but he ſtopt me, by ſaying with ſome precipitation, ‘"Nor never will.—I affirm, that all wounds of the inteſtines, whether great or ſmall, are mortal."—’ ‘"Pardon me, bro⯑ther (ſays the fat gentleman) there is very good authority"—’Here he was interrupted by the other, with ‘"Sir, excuſe me, I deſpiſe all authority.—Nullius in verba.—I ſtand upon my own bottom."—’ ‘"But Sir, Sir, (replied his antagoniſt) the reaſon of the thing ſhews"—’ ‘"A fig for reaſon (cried this ſufficient mem⯑ber) I laugh at reaſon, give me ocular de⯑monſtration."—’The corpulent gentleman be⯑gan to wax warm, and obſerved that no man ac⯑quainted with the anatomy of the parts, would [138] advance ſuch an extravagant aſſertion.—This inuendo enraged the other ſo much, that he ſtarted up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: ‘"What Sir! do you queſtion my knowledge in anato⯑my?"—’By this time, all the examiners had eſpouſed the opinion of one or other of the diſ⯑putants, and raiſed their voices all together, when the chairman commanded ſilence and ordered me to withdraw. In leſs than a quarter of an hour, I was called in again, and received my qualifica⯑tion ſealed up, and was ordered to pay five ſhil⯑lings.—I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and ſtood ſome time, until one of them bid me begone; to this I replied, I will, when I have got my change; upon which another threw me five ſhillings and ſix-pence, ſaying, I would not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three ſhillings and ſix-pence to the beadles, and a ſhilling to an old woman who ſwept the hall: This diſburſement ſunk my finances to thirteen pence half-penny, with which I was ſneaking off, when Jackſon perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him and he would ac⯑company me to the other end of the town, as ſoon as his examination ſhould be over. I could not refuſe this to a perſon that was ſo much my friend; but I was aſtoniſhed at the change of his dreſs, which was varied in half an hour from what I have already deſcribed, to a very groteſque faſhion.—His head was covered with an old ſmoaked tye-wig that did not boaſt one crooked hair, and a ſloutched hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-ſweeper or a duſt-man;—his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twiſted, and [139] fixed in the button-hole of a ſhabby great coat that wrapped up his whole body; his white ſilk ſtockings were converted into black worſted hoſe; and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting.—When I expreſſed my ſurprize at this metamor⯑phoſis, he laughed, and told me, it was done by the advice and aſſiſtance of a friend who lived over the way, and would certainly produce ſome⯑thing very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting reſpect. I applauded his ſagacity, and waited with impatience, for the effects of it. At length he was called in, but whether the od⯑neſs of his appearance excited a curioſity more than uſual in the board, or his behaviour was not ſuitable to his figure, I know not, he was diſ⯑covered to be an impoſtor, and put into the hands of the beadle, in order to be ſent to Bridewell. So that inſtead of ſeeing him come out with a chearful countenance, and a ſurgeon's qualifi⯑cation in his hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall as a priſoner; and was very much alarmed and anxious to know the occaſion; when he called with a lamentable voice and pite⯑ous aſpect, to me, and ſome others who knew him; ‘"For God's ſake, gentlemen, bear wit⯑neſs that I am the ſame individual John Jack⯑ſon, who ſerved as ſurgeon's ſecond mate on board the Elizabeth, or elſe I ſhall go to Bride⯑well."—’It would have been impoſſible for the moſt auſtere hermit that ever lived, to have re⯑frained from laughing at his appearance and ad⯑dreſs; we therefore indulged ourſelves a good while at his expence, and afterwards pleaded his cauſe ſo effectually with the beadle, who was [140] gratified with half a crown, that the priſoner was diſmiſſed; and in a few moments reſumed his former gaiety;—ſwearing, ſince the board had refuſed his money, he would ſpend it every ſhil⯑ling before he went to bed in treating his friends; at the ſame time inviting us all to favour him with our company.—It was now ten o' clock at night, and as I had a great way to walk in a town where I was a ſtranger, I was prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, which he faithful⯑ly promiſed.—He carried us to his friend's houſe, who kept a tavern over the way, where we re⯑mained drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely fro⯑lickſome: I, in particular was ſo much elevated, that nothing would ſerve me but a wench, at which Jackſon expreſſed much joy, and aſſured me I ſhould have my deſire before we parted.—Accordingly, when he had paid the reckon⯑ing we ſallied out, roaring and ſinging; and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where I immediately attached my⯑ſelf to a fair one, with whom I propoſed to ſpend the remaining part of the night; but ſhe not re⯑liſhing my appearance, refuſed to grant my re⯑queſt before I had made her an acknowledgment, which not ſuiting my circumſtances we broke off our correſpondence, to my no ſmall mortifi⯑cation and reſentment, becauſe I thought the mercenary creature had not done juſtice to my merit.—In the mean time, Mr. Jackſon's dreſs had attracted the inclinations and aſſiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with careſſes, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them; till at length, notwith⯑ſtanding [141] the ſprightly ſallies of theſe charmers, ſleep began to exert his power over us all: and our conductor called, ‘"To pay."’ When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve ſhillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have ſaved himſelf the trouble, for his purſe was gone.—This accident diſconcerted him a good deal at firſt, but after ſome recollection he ſeized the two Dulcineas, who ſat by him, one in each hand; and ſwore if they did not immediately reſtore his money, he would charge a conſtable with them.—The good lady at the bar ſeeing what paſſed, whiſpered ſomething to the drawer, who went out; and then with great compoſure, aſked what was the matter?—Jackſon told her he was robbed, and if ſhe refuſed him ſatisfac⯑tion, he would have her and her whores com⯑mitted to Bridewell.—‘"Robbed (cried ſhe) robbed, in my houſe! gentlemen and ladies I take you all to witneſs, this perſon has ſcan⯑dalized my reputation."—’At that inſtant, ſee⯑ing the conſtable and watch enter, ſhe went on, ‘"What! you muſt not only endeavour by your falſe aſperſions to ruin my character; but even commit an aſſault againſt my family? Mr. Con⯑ſtable, I charge you with this uncivil perſon, who has been guilty of a riot here, I ſhall take care and bring an action againſt him for deſamation."—’While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite ſo⯑ber, the lady whoſe favours I had ſolicited, be⯑ing piqued at ſome repartee that paſſed between us, cried, ‘"They are all concerned;"’ and deſired the conſtable to take us all into cuſtody, which was performed inſtantly, to the utter aſtoniſh⯑ment and deſpair of us all, except Jackſon, who [142] having been often in ſuch ſcrapes was very little concerned, and charged the conſtable in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy: Upon which we were carried all together priſoners to the round-houſe; where Jackſon (after a word of comfort to us) informed the conſtable of his be⯑ing robbed, to which he ſaid he would ſwear next morning before the juſtice.—‘"Ay, ay, (ſays the bawd) we ſhall ſee whoſe oath will moſt ſignify."—’In a little time the conſtable calling Jackſon into another room, ſpoke to him thus: ‘"I perceive that you and your company are ſtrangers, and am very ſorry for your be⯑ing involved in ſuch an ugly buſineſs as this is, I have known this woman a great while; ſhe has kept a notorious houſe in the neighbour⯑hood theſe many years; and although often complained of as a nuiſance, ſtill eſcapes thro' her intereſt with the J—t—ces, to whom ſhe and all of her employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection.—As ſhe charged me with you firſt, her complaint will have the preference, and ſhe can procure evidence to ſwear whatever ſhe ſhall pleaſe to deſire them. So that, unleſs you make it up before morning, you and your companions may think your⯑ſelves happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bridewell.—Nay, if ſhe ſhould ſwear a rob⯑bery or aſſault againſt you, you will be com⯑mitted to Newgate, and tried next ſeſſions at the Old-Baily for your life."’ This laſt piece of information had ſuch an effect upon Jackſon, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be reſtored: The conſtable told him, that inſtead of reſtoring what they had ſtol'n, he was pretty certain, it would coſt him ſome more be⯑fore [143] they would come to any compoſition.—But however, he had compaſſion on him, and would, if he pleaſed, ſound them about a mutual releaſe.—The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendſhip, and returned to us, where he acquaint⯑ed us with the ſubſtance of this dialogue; while the conſtable deſiring to ſpeak in private with our adver⯑ſary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded our cauſe ſo effectually, that ſhe condeſcended to make him umpire: He accordingly propoſed an arbitration, to which we gave our aſſent; and he fined each party in three ſhillings to be laid out in a bowl or punch, wherein we drowned all animoſities, to the inexpreſſible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in the ſtate of the damned ever ſince Jackſon mentioned Bridewell and New⯑gate.—By the time we had finiſhed our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my laſt ſhilling, it was morning; and I propoſed to move homeward, when the conſtable gave me to un⯑derſtand, he could diſcharge no priſoners but by order of the juſtice, before whom we muſt ap⯑pear.—This renewed my regret, and I courſed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackſon's invi⯑tation.—About nine a-clock we were eſcorted to the houſe of a certain juſtice not many miles diſtant from Covent-Garden; who no ſooner ſaw the conſtable enter with a train of priſoners at his heels, than he ſaluted him as follows: ‘"So, Mr. Conſtable, you are a diligent man—what den of rogues have you been ſcouring?"’ Then looking at us, who appeared with a dejected air, he continued, ‘"Ay, ay, thieves, I ſee—old offenders—O your humble ſervant, Mrs. Har⯑ridan! I ſuppoſe theſe fellows have been taken robbing your houſe—yes, yes, here's an old [144] acquaintance of mine—you have uſed expe⯑dition (ſaid he to me) in returning from tranſ⯑portation; but we ſhall ſave you that trouble for the future—the ſurgeons will fetch you from your next tranſportation at their expence."’ I aſſured his worſhip he was miſtaken in me, for he had never ſeen me in his life before.—To this he replied, ‘"How, you impudent raſcal, dare you ſay ſo to my face? Do you think I am to be impoſed upon by that northern accent which you have aſſumed? but it ſhan't avail you—you ſhall find me too far north for you.—Here, clerk, write this fellow's mittimus—His name is Patrick Gaghagan."—’Here Mr. Jackſon interpoſed, and told him, I was a Scotch⯑man lately come to town, deſcended of a good family, and that my name was Random.—The juſtice looked upon this declaration as an out⯑rage againſt his memory, on which he valued himſelf much; and ſtrutting up to Jackſon, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his ſides, and ſaid, ‘"Who are you, Sir?—Do you give me the lie?—Take notice, gentlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench—but I'll lay you faſt, ſirrah, I will—for not⯑withſtanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon."—’My friend was ſo much abaſhed at this menace, which was thun⯑dered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained ſpeechleſs—This his wor⯑ſhip took for a ſymptom of guilt, and to com⯑pleat the diſcovery continued his threats.—‘"Now, I am convinced you are a thief,—your face diſcovers it—you tremble all over—your conſcience won't lie ſtill—you will be hang'd, [145] ſirrah (raiſing his voice) you will be hanged, and happy had it been for the world, as well as your own miſerable ſoul, if you had been detected and cut off in the beginning of your career.—Come hither, clerk, and take this man's confeſſion."—’I was in an agony of conſternation, when the conſtable going into a⯑nother room with his worſhip, acquainted him with the truth of the ſtory: upon which he re⯑turned with a ſmiling countenance, and addreſſing himſelf to us all, ſaid, it was always his way to terrify young people, when they came before him, that his threats might make a ſtrong impreſſion on their minds, and deterr them from engaging in ſcenes of riot and debauchery which common⯑ly ended before the judge.—Thus having cloaked his own want of diſcernment, under the diſguiſe of paternal care, we were diſmiſſed, and I found myſelf as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted from off my breaſt.

CHAP. XVIII.

I Would willingly have gone home to ſleep, but was told by my companions, that we muſt deliver our letters of qualification at the navy⯑office before one a-clock; upon which we re⯑paired thither, and gave them to the ſ—t—y, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleaſed to find myſelf qualified for ſecond mate of a third rate. When he had ſtuck them all together on a file, one of our company aſked if there were any vacancies; to which he anſwered, No. Then I ventured to enquire if any ſhips were to be put in commiſſion ſoon.—At which he ſurveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and puſh⯑ing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us one word.—We went down ſtairs and conferred together on our expectations, when I underſtood that each of them had been recom⯑mended to one or other of the commiſſioners; and each of them promiſed the firſt vacancy that [147] ſhould fall; but that none of them relied ſolely upon that intereſt, without a preſent to the ſ—t—y, with whom the c—mm—rs went ſnacks.—For which reaſon each had provided a ſmall purſe; and I was aſked what I propoſed to give?—This was a vexatious queſtion to me, who (ſo far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous ſ—t—y) had not wherewithal to buy me a dinner.—I therefore anſwered, I had not deter⯑mined yet what to give; and ſneaked off towards my own lodging, curſing my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterneſs againſt the barbarity of my grandfather, and the ſordid a⯑varice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.—Full of theſe diſagree⯑able reflections, I arrived at the houſe where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great an⯑xiety on my account; for this honeſt man believed I had met with ſome diſmal accident, and that he ſhould never ſee me again.—Strap, who had been to ſee me in the morning, underſtand⯑ing I had been abroad all night, was almoſt diſ⯑tracted, and after having obtained leave of his maſter, had gone in queſt of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adven⯑ture, I told him, I had met an acquaintance at Surgeon's-hall, with whom I ſpent the evening and night, but being very much infeſted by bugs, I had not ſlept much, and therefore intended to take a little repoſe: ſo ſaying, I went to bed and deſired to be awakened if Strap happened to come while I ſhould be aſleep.—I was accordingly rouſed by my friend himſelf, who entered my chamber about three a-clock in the afternoon; and preſented a figure to my eyes, that I could [148] ſcarce believe real.—In ſhort, this affectionate ſhaver, ſetting out towards Surgeon's-hall, had enquired for me there to no purpoſe; from thence he found his way to the navy-office, where he he could hear no tidings of me, becauſe I was unknown to every body then preſent; he after⯑wards went upon Change in hopes of ſeeing me upon the Scotch walk; but without any ſucceſs: At laſt, being almoſt in diſpair of finding me, he reſolved to aſk every body he met in the ſtreet, if perchance any one could give him information about me: and actually put his reſolution in prac⯑tice, in ſpite of the ſcoffs, curſes and reproaches with which he was anſwered; until a blackſmith's 'prentice, ſeeing him ſtop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his queſtion, for which he received a hearty curſe, called to him, and aſked if the perſon he enquired after was not a Scotchman?—Strap replied with great eager⯑neſs, ‘"Yes, and had on a brown coat with long ſkirts."—’ ‘"The ſame (ſaid the black⯑ſmith) I ſaw him paſs about an hour ago."—’ ‘"Did you ſo? (cried Strap, rubbing his hands) Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?"—’ ‘"Towards Tyburn in a cart, (ſaid he) if you make good ſpeed, you may get thither time enough to ſee him hanged."—’This piece of wit incenſed my friend to ſuch a degree, that he called the blackſmith ſcoundrel, and proteſted he would fight him for half a far⯑thing—‘"No, no, (ſaid the other, ſtripping) I'll have none of your money—you Scotch⯑men ſeldom carry any about you—but I'll fight you for love."—’There was a ring imme⯑diately formed by the mob; and Strap finding he could not get off honourably without fighting, [149] at the ſame time burning with reſentment againſt his adverſary, quitted his cloaths to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the ſide of Strap, who in a few mi⯑nutes exhauſted his breach and ſpirits on his pa⯑tient antagoniſt, who ſuſtained the aſſault with great coolneſs, till finding the barber quite ſpent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with ſuch intereſt, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard ſtones, gave out, and allowed the blackſmith to be the better man.—The victory being thus decided, it was propoſed to adjourn to a cellar hard by and drink friends.—But when my friend began to gather up his cloaths, he per⯑ceived that ſome honeſt perſon or other had made free with his ſhirt, neckcloath, hat and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and waiſtcoat would have met with the ſame fate, had they been worth the ſtealing.—It was in vain for him to make a noiſe, which only yielded mirth to the ſpectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accompliſhed with much dif⯑ficulty, and appeared before me, all beſmeared with blood and dirt.—Notwithſtanding this miſ⯑fortune, ſuch was his tranſport at finding me ſafe and ſound, that he had almoſt ſtifled and ſtunk me to death with his embraces.—After he had cleaned himſelf and put on one of my ſhirts, and a woolen night-cape inſtead of hat and wig; I recounted to him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an obſer⯑vation which was often in his mouth, viz. ‘"London is the devil's drawing room."—’As neither of us had dined, he deſired me to get up, and the milk-woman coming round at that in⯑ſtant, [150] he went down ſtairs and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a com⯑fortable meal. He then ſhared his money with me, which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the ſchool-maſter.

He was no ſooner gone, than I began to con⯑ſider my ſituation with great uneaſineſs, and revol⯑ved all the ſchemes my imagination could ſuggeſt, in order to chuſe and purſue ſome one that would procure me bread; for it is impoſſible to expreſs the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miſerable dependance in which I lived, at the expence of a poor barber's boy.—My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of ſucceeding at the navy-office, I came to a reſolution of enliſting in the foot guards next day, coute qui coute.—This ex⯑travagant deſign, by flattering my diſpoſition, gave great ſatisfaction, and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie.—The ſchool-maſter had made him a preſent of the tye-wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whoſe brims would have overſhadowed a Coloſſus.—Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the duſk, he did not chuſe to entertain the mob by day; there⯑fore went to work immediately and reduced them both to a moderate ſize. While he was employed in this manner, he addreſſed me thus:—‘"To be ſure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentle⯑man, and have a great deal of learning—and indeed look like a gentleman, for as to perſon you may hold up your head with the beſt of them.—On the other hand, I am a poor, but honeſt cobler's ſon—my mother was as in⯑duſtrious [151] a woman as ever broke bread, 'till ſuch time as ſhe took to drinking, which you very well know—but every body has failings—humanum eſt errare.—Now for myſelf I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made, and underſtand ſome Latin, and have a ſmat⯑tering of Greek—but what of that? perhaps I might alſo ſay that I know a little of the world—but that is not to the purpoſe—though you be gentle and I ſimple, it does not follow but that I who am ſimple may do a good office to you who are gentle.—Now this is the caſe—my kinſman the ſchool-maſter—perhaps you did not know, how nearly he is related to me—I'll ſatisfy you in that pre⯑ſently—his mother and my grandfather's ſiſter's nephew—no, that's not it—my grandfather's brother's daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree—but this I know, he and I are couſins ſeven times removed."—’My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I inter⯑rupted him at this place, with, ‘"D—n your relation and pedigree,—if the ſchool-maſter or you can be of any advantage to me, why don't you tell it, without all this preamble."—’When I pronounced theſe words with ſome vehemence, Strap looked at me for ſome time with a grave countenance, and then went on: ‘"Surely, our pedigree is not to be d—n'd, becauſe it is not ſo noble as yours.—I am very ſorry to ſee ſuch an alteration in your temper of late—you was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us) plaid ſo many unlucky tricks, while we were at [152] ſchool;—but I will no longer detain you in ſuſpence, becauſe (doubtleſs) nothing is more uneaſy than doubt—dubio procul dubio nil du⯑bius.—My friend, or relation, or which you will, or both, the ſchool-maſter, being inform⯑ed of the regard I have for you—for you may be ſure, I did not fail to let him know your good qualities—by the by, he has undertaken to teach you the pronounciation of the Engliſh⯑tongue, without which (he ſays) you will be unfit for buſineſs in this country.—I ſay, my relation has ſpoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation, you may have fifteen pounds per year, bed and board, whenever you pleaſe."—’I was too much intereſted in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but jumping up, I inſiſted on Strap's accompany⯑ing me immediately to the houſe of his friend, that I might not loſe this opportunity through the leaſt delay or neglect on my part.—We were informed that the ſchool-maſter was in company at a public houſe in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very individual apothecary in queſtion. When he was called to the door at our deſire, and obſerved my impatience, he broke out in his uſual term of admiration: ‘"O Ch—ſt! I ſuppoſe when you heard of this offer, you did not take leiſure enough to come down ſtairs, but leapt out of the window; did you overturn no porter nor oyſter-woman in your way?—It was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out againſt ſome poſt in your career.—O' my conſcience! I believe had I been in the inmoſt receſſes of my habitation,—the very penetralia,—even in [153] bed with my wife; your eagerneſs would have ſurmounted bolts, bars, decency and every thing.—The den of Cacus, or Sancti ſancto⯑rum could not have hid me from you. But come along, the gentleman of whom I ſpoke is in the houſe, I will preſent you to him forthwith."—’When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people ſmoaking, one of whom the ſchool-maſter accoſted thus:—‘"Mr: Lavement, here is the young man of whom I ſpoke to you."—’The apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead a⯑bout an inch high, a noſe turned up at the end, large check bones that helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag of looſe ſkin hanging down on each ſide in wrinkles, like the alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth ſo accuſtomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a ſyllable without diſcover⯑ing the remains of his teeth, which conſiſted of four yellow fangs, not improperly by anatomiſts, called canine.—This perſon (I ſay) after having eyed me ſometime; ſaid, ‘"Oho, 'tis ver well, Monſ. Concordance;—yong man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre.—and come to mine houſe to-marrow morning, Monſ. Concordance vil ſhew you de way."—’Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room, could hear him ſay, Ma foy! ce'ſt un beau garçon, ce'ſt un galliard.—As I had by my own applica⯑tion while I ſerved Crab, acquired the French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, and underſtand any thing that oc⯑curred in converſation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new maſter, that he and his family, whom I ſuppoſed to be of the ſame coun⯑try, [154] not being on the reſerve before me, might poſſibly diſcover ſomething in diſcourſe, which would either yield me amuſement or advantage.—Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary's houſe, where the bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apart⯑ment for me immediately.—But before I entered upon buſineſs, the ſchool-maſter recommended me to his taylor who gave me credit for a ſuit of cloaths to be paid out of the firſt moiety of my wages, and they were begun that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with a new hat, on the ſame terms; ſo that in a few days, I hoped to make a very faſhionable appearance.—In the mean time, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of ſtairs, furniſhed with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, an earthen cham⯑ber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of candle⯑ſtick, and a triangular piece of glaſs inſtead of a mirrour; the reſt of its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the ſervant of an Iriſh captain, who lodged in the firſt floor.

CHAP. XIX.

NEXT day, while I was at work in the ſhop, a bouncing damſel well dreſſed came in, on pretence of finding a vial for ſome uſe or other; and taking an opportunity when ſhe thought I did not mind her, of obſerving me nar⯑rowly, went away with a ſilent look of diſdain—I eaſily gueſſed her ſentiments, and my pride took the reſolution of entertaining the ſame indif⯑ference and neglect towards her—At dinner, the maids with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to underſtand that this was my maſter's only daughter, who would have a very handſome for⯑tune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addreſſes to her—that ſhe had been twice on the brink of marriage, but diſappointed by the ſtingineſs of her father, who refuſed to part with a ſhilling as long as he ſhould live—for which reaſon the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial ve⯑neration that might be expected: In particular, ſhe harbour'd the moſt perfect hatred for his coun⯑trymen, in which diſpoſition her mother join'd, who was an Engliſh woman; and by the hints [156] they dropp'd, I learn'd the grey mare was the better horſe—that ſhe was a matron of a high ſpi⯑rit, which was often manifeſted at the expence of her dependants: That ſhe lov'd diverſions; and look'd upon miſs as her rival in all parties; which was indeed the true cauſe of her diſappoint⯑ments; for had the mother been hearty in her in⯑tereſt, the father would not have ventur'd to re⯑fuſe her demands.—Over and above this intelli⯑gence, I of myſelf, ſoon made more diſcoveries; Mr. Lavement's ſignificant grins at his wife, while ſhe look'd another way, convinc'd me that he was not at all content with his lot: And his behaviour in preſence of the captain, made me believe his chief torment was jealouſy.—As for my own part, I was conſider'd in no other light than that of a menial ſervant, and had been already ſix days in the houſe without being ho⯑nour'd with one word from either mother or daughter, the latter (as I underſtood from the maids) having at table one day, expreſſed ſome ſurprize that her papa ſhould entertain ſuch an aukward, mean-looking journeyman.—I was net⯑tled at this piece of information, and next ſunday, (it being my turn to take my diverſion) dreſſed myſelf in my new cloaths to the greateſt advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.—After having ſpent moſt part of the day in com⯑pany with Strap and ſome of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miſs, who not knowing me, dropt a low cour⯑teſy as I advanced, which I returned with a pro⯑found bow, and ſhut the door—By that time I had turn'd about, ſhe had perceiv'd her miſtake, and chang'd colour, but did not withdraw. The paſ⯑ſage being narrow, I could not get away with⯑out [157] joſtling her; ſo, I was forc'd to remain where I was, with my eyes fix'd on the ground, and my face glowing with bluſhes—At length her vanity coming to her aſſiſtance, ſhe went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word ‘"crea⯑ture:"’ From this day forward, ſhe came into the ſhop fifty times every day, upon various pre⯑tences, and put in practice ſo many ridiculous airs, that I could eaſily perceive her opinion of me was chang'd, and that ſhe did not think me alto⯑gether an unworthy conqueſt—But my heart was ſo ſteel'd againſt her charms by pride and reſent⯑ment, which were two chief ingredients in my diſpoſition, that I remain'd inſenſible to all her arts; and notwithſtanding ſome advances ſhe made, could not be prevail'd upon to yield her the leaſt attention—This neglect ſoon baniſh'd all the favourable impreſſions ſhe felt for me, and the rage of a ſlighted woman took place in her heart; which ſhe manifeſted not only in all the ſuggeſ⯑tions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but alſo in procuring for me ſuch ſervile employments, as ſhe hoped, would ſufficiently humble my ſpirit. One day in parti⯑cular, ſhe order'd me to bruſh my maſter's coat, but I refuſing, a ſmart dialogue enſued, which ended in her burſting into tears of rage; when her mother interpoſing, and examining into the merits of the cauſe, determin'd it in my favour; and this good office I ow'd not to any eſteem or conſideration ſhe had for me, but ſolely to the de⯑ſire or mortifying her daughter, who on this oc⯑caſion obſerv'd, that let people be never ſo much in the right, there were ſome folks who would never do them juſtice; but to be ſure, they had their reaſon for it, which ſome people were not [158] ignorant of, although they deſpiſed their little arts.—This inſinuation of ſome people and ſome folks, put me upon obſerving the behavuiour of my miſtreſs more narrowly for the future; and it was not long before I had reaſon to believe that ſhe look'd upon her daughter as a rival in the af⯑fections of captain Odonnell, who lodged in the houſe.—In the mean time my induſtry and know⯑ledge gain'd me the good will of my maſter, who would often ſay in French, ‘"Mardy! c'eſt un bon Garçon."’ He had a great deal of buſi⯑neſs; but as he was moſtly employ'd among his fellow refugees, his profits were ſmall.—However, his expence for medicines was not great, he be⯑ing the moſt expert man at a ſuccedaneum, of any apothecary in London, ſo that I have been ſometimes amaz'd to ſee him without the leaſt heſitation, make up a phyſician's preſcription, though he had not in his ſhop one medicine mention'd in it.—Oyſter-ſhells he could convert into crab's eyes; common oil into oil of ſweet almonds; ſyrup of ſugar into balſamic ſyrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamomi; turpentine into capivi; and a hundred more coſtly prepara⯑tions were produc'd in an inſtant, from the cheapeſt and courſeſt drugs of the materia medica: And when any common thing was order'd for a patient, he always took care to diſguiſe it in co⯑lour or taſte, or both, in ſuch a manner, as that it could not poſſibly be known.—For which pur⯑poſe, cochineal and oil of cloves were of great ſervice among many noſtrums which he poſſeſs'd; there was one for the venereal diſeaſe, that brought him a good deal of money; and this he conceal'd ſo artfully from me, that I could never learn its compoſition: But during the eight months I ſtay'd [159] in his ſervice, he was ſo unfortunate in the uſe of it, that three parts in four of thoſe who took it, were fain to confirm the cure with a ſalivation under the direction of another doctor.—This bad ſucceſs, in all appearance, attach'd him the more to his ſpecifick; and before I left him, I may venture to ſay, he would have ſooner renounc'd the Trinity (notwithſtanding his being a good Huegonot) than his confidence in the never-ſail⯑ing power of this remedy.—Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once, to introduce a vege⯑table diet into his family, by launching out into the praiſe of it, and decrying the uſe of fleſh, both as a Phyſician and Philoſopher; but all his rheto⯑ric could not make one proſelyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his boſom declared againſt the propoſal.—Whether it was owing to the little re⯑gard ſhe paid to her huſband's admonition in this particular, or to the natural warmth of her con⯑ſtitution, I know not; but this lady's paſſions be⯑came every day more and more violent, till at laſt ſhe look'd upon decency as an unneceſſary reſtraint; and one afternoon, when her huſband was abroad, and her daughter viſiting, order'd me to call a hackney coach, in which ſhe and the captain drove off towards Covent-Garden.—Miſs came home in the evening, and ſupping at her uſual hour, went to bed.—About eleven a clock my maſter enter'd, and aſk'd if his wife was gone to ſleep: Upon which I told him, my miſtreſs went out in the afternoon, and was not yet re⯑turn'd.—This was like a clap of thunder to the poor Apothecary, who ſtarting back, cried ‘"Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me?—My wife not, at home!"—’At that inſtant a patient's ſer⯑vant arriv'd with a preſcription for a draught, [160] which my maſter taking, went into the ſhop to make it up himſelf.—While he rubb'd the ingre⯑dients in a glaſs mortar, he enquir'd of me, whe⯑ther or no his wife went out alone; and no ſooner heard that ſhe was in company with the captain, than with one blow he ſplit the mortar into a thouſand pieces, and grinning like the head of a baſs viol, exclaim'd, ‘"Ah traitreſſe!"—’It would have been impoſſible for me to have pre⯑ſerv'd my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily reliev'd by a rap at the door, which I open'd, and perceiv'd my miſtreſs coming out of a coach; ſhe flounc'd immediately into the ſhop, and addreſſed her huſband thus: ‘"I ſuppoſe you thought I was loſt, my dear—Captain Odonnell has been ſo good as to treat me with a play."—’ ‘"Play—play (replied he) Oho! yes by gar, I believe ver prettie play."—’ ‘"Bleſs me! (ſaid ſhe) what's the matter?"—’ ‘"Vat de matter? (cried he, forgetting all his former com⯑plaiſance) by gar, you be one damn dog's wife—ventre bleu! me vill ſhow you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le capitaine Odonnell be one."—’Here the captain, who had been all the while at the door diſcharging the coach, entering, ſaid with a terri⯑ble voice, ‘"D—mme! what am I?"—’Mr. Lavement changing his tone, immediately ſaluted him with, ‘"Oh ſerviteur monſieur le capitaine, vous etes un galant homme—ma femme eſt fort obligée."—’Then turning about towards me, pronounc'd with a low voice, ‘"Et diablement obligeante ſans doute."—’ ‘"Harkee, Mr. Lave⯑ment, (ſaid the captain) I am a man of ho⯑nour, and I believe you are too much of a gen⯑tleman to be offended at the civility I ſhew your [161] wife."—’This declaration had ſuch an effect on the apothecary, that he reſum'd all the politeſſe of a Frenchman; and with the ut⯑moſt proſtration of compliment, aſſur'd the cap⯑tain that he was perfectly ſatisfied with the honour he had done his wife.—Matters being thus com⯑pos'd, every body went to reſt.—Next day I perceiv'd thro' a glaſs door that open'd from the ſhop into a parlour, the captain talking earneſtly to miſs, who heard him with a look that expreſſed anger mingled with ſcorn; which however he at laſt found means to mollify, and ſeal'd his re⯑conciliation with a kiſs.—This ſoon convinc'd me of the occaſion of the quarrel; but notwithſtand⯑ing all my vigilance, I could never diſcover any other commerce between them.—In the mean while, I had reaſon to believe I had inſpir'd one of the maids with tender ſentiments for me; and one night when I thought every other perſon in the houſe aſleep, I took the opportunity of the other maid's abſence (for ſhe had got leave to go and viſit her ſick father who liv'd at Richmond) to avail myſelf of my conqueſt: Accordingly I got up, and (naked as I was) explor'd my way in the dark, to the garret where ſhe lay.—I was ra⯑viſh'd to find the door open, and moved ſoftly to her bed-ſide, tranſported with the hope of com⯑pleating my wiſhes.—But what horrors of jea⯑louſy and diſappointment did I feel, when I found her aſleep, faſt locked in the arms of a man, whom I eaſily gueſſed to be no other than the captain's ſervant! I was upon the point of doing ſome raſh thing, when the noiſe of a rat ſcratch⯑ing behind the wainſcoat, put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in ſafety.—Whether this alarm had diſorder'd my mind, [162] or that I was led aſtray by the power of deſtiny, I know not; but inſtead of turning to the left when I deſcended to the ſecond ſtory, I perſu'd the contrary courſe, and miſtook the young lady's bed-chamber for my own. I did not perceive my miſtake before I had run againſt the bed poſts; and then it was not in my power to retreat undiſ⯑cover'd: for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, and with a ſoft voice, bid me make leſs noiſe leſt the Scotch-booby in the next room ſhould over-hear us. This hint was ſufficient to inform me of the nature of the aſſignation; and as my paſſions, at any time high, were then in a ſtate of exaltation, I was reſolved to profit by my good fortune.—Without any more ceremony therefore, I made bold to ſlip into bed to this char⯑mer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could deſire.—Our converſation was very ſpar⯑ing on my part, but ſhe upbraided the perſon whom I repreſented, with his jealouſy of me, whom ſhe handled ſo roughly, that my reſent⯑ment had well nigh occaſion'd a diſcovery more than once; but I was conſoled for her hatred of me, by underſtanding from her own mouth, that it was now high time to ſalve her reputation by matrimony; for ſhe had reaſon to fear ſhe could not much longer conceal the effects of their mu⯑tual intercourſe.—While I was meditating an an⯑ſwer to this propoſal, I heard a noiſe in my room, like ſomething heavy falling down upon the floor: Upon which, I ſtarted up, and creeping to the door of my chamber, obſerv'd by moon-light, the ſhadow of a man groping his way out; where⯑upon, I retir'd to one ſide to let him paſs, and ſaw him go down ſtairs as expeditiouſly as he could.—It was an eaſy matter to divine that this [163] was the captain, who having over-ſlept himſelf, had got up at laſt to keep his aſſignation; and finding my door open, had enter'd into my apartment inſtead of that of his miſtreſs, where I ſupplied his place.—But finding his miſtake, by falling over my chair, was afraid the noiſe might alarm the family, and for that reaſon made off, delay⯑ing the gratification of his deſire till another op⯑portunity.—By this time, I was ſatisfied; and inſtead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own caſtle, which I for⯑tified by bolting the door; and in the congratula⯑tion of my own happineſs fell aſleep.—But the truth of this adventure could not be long conceal'd from my young miſtreſs, who next day came to an eclairciſement with the captain, upon his la⯑menting his laſt night's diſappointment, and beg⯑ging pardon for the noiſe he had made.—Their mutual chagrin, when they came to the know⯑ledge of what had happen'd, may be eaſily con⯑jectur'd, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other; for ſhe was conſcious of having not only betray'd to me the ſecrets of her com⯑merce with him; but alſo, of having incenſed me by the freedoms ſhe had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation.—On the other hand, his jealouſy ſuggeſted, that her ſorrow was all artifice; and that I had ſupplied his place with her own privity and conſent.—That ſuch was the ſituation of their thoughts, will appear in the ſequel—for that very day ſhe came into the ſhop where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, ſwimming in tears, upon me, ſigh'd moſt piteouſly: But I was proof againſt her diſtreſs, by recollecting the epithets with which ſhe had honour'd me the night before; and believing that the good reception I en⯑joy'd [164] was deſtin'd for another. I therefore took no notice of her affliction; and ſhe had the mor⯑tification to find her diſdain return'd four-fold.—However, from thenceforward ſhe thought pro⯑per to uſe me with more complaiſance than uſual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publiſh her ſhame.—By theſe means my life became much more agreeable (though I never could prevail upon myſelf to repeat my nocturnal viſit) and as I every day improv'd in my know⯑ledge of the town, I ſhook off my aukward air by degrees, and acquir'd the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAP. XX.

ONE night about twelve a clock, as I return'd from viſiting a patient at Chelſea, I receiv'd a blow on my head from an unſeen hand, that ſtretch'd me ſenſeleſs on the ground; and was left for dead, with three ſtabs of a ſword in my body.—The groans I utter'd when I recover'd the uſe of my reaſon, alarm'd the people of a ſolitary ale-houſe, that ſtood near the ſpot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me [165] in, and ſend for a ſurgeon who dreſſed my wounds, and aſſur'd me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the ſkin and muſcles of one ſide of my belly, in ſuch a manner, that (doubtleſs) the aſſaſſin imagin'd he had run me through the entrails.—The ſecond ſlanted along one of my ribs, and the laſt, which was intended for the Coup de Grace, being directed to my heart, the ſword ſnapt upon my breaſt bone, and the point remain'd ſticking in the ſkin.—When I re⯑flected upon this event, I could not perſuade my⯑ſelf, that I had been aſſaulted by a common foot⯑pad; becauſe it is not uſual for ſuch people to murder thoſe they rob, eſpecially when they meet with no reſiſtance; and I found my money and every thing elſe about me (but my carcaſe) ſafe. I concluded therefore, that I muſt either have been miſtaken for another, or oblig'd to the private re⯑ſentment of ſome ſecret enemy for what had hap⯑pened; and as I could remember no-body who had the leaſt cauſe of complaint againſt me, ex⯑cept captain Odonnell and my maſter's daughter, my ſuſpicion ſettled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the ſooner ar⯑rive at confirmation.—With this view, I went home in a chair about ten a clock in the morning; and as the chairmen ſupported me into the houſe, met the captain in the paſſage; who no ſooner ſaw me, than he ſtarted back, and gave evident ſigns of guilty confuſion, which he would have accounted for from the ſurprize occaſion'd by ſeeing me in ſuch a condition.—My maſter hav⯑ing heard my ſtory, condoled me with a good deal of ſympathy, and when he underſtood my wounds were not dangerous, order'd me to be carried up ſtairs to bed; though not without ſome [166] oppoſition from his wife, who was of opinion, it would be better for me to go to an hoſpital, where I ſhould be more carefully attended.—My medi⯑tation was employ'd in concerting with myſelf ſome method of revenge againſt 'Squire Odonnell and his enamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my misfortune; when miſs (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber; and ſaying, ſhe was ſorry for the accident that had befallen me, aſked me if I ſuſpected any body to be the aſſaſſin: Upon which I fixed my eyes ſtedfaſtly upon her, and anſwer'd, ‘"Yes."—’She diſcover'd no ſymptom of confuſion; but re⯑plied haſtily, ‘"If that be the caſe, why don't you take out a warrant to have him appre⯑hended?—It will coſt but a trifle—if you have no money, I'll lend you."—’This frankneſs not only cur'd me of my ſuſpicion with reſpect to her; but even ſtagger'd my belief in regard to the captain, of whoſe guilt I reſolv'd to have farther proofs, before I enterpriz'd any thing in the way of revenge.—I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which however I had no oc⯑caſion to accept, being determin'd to do nothing raſhly: For though I could plainly perceive the perſon who attacked me, to be a ſoldier whoſe face I thought was familiar to me, I could not ſwear with a ſafe conſcience to any particular man; and granting I could, my proſecution of him would not much avail.—This I pretended, leſt the captain hearing from her, that I knew the perſon who wounded me, might think pro⯑per to withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite him.—In two days I was up, and able to do a little buſineſs, ſo that Mr. Lavement made ſhift to carry on his practice, without hiring ano⯑ther [167] journeyman in my room.—The firſt thing I attempted towards a certain diſcovery of my ſecret enemy, was to get into Odonnell's apart⯑ment, while he was abroad in an undreſs, and examine his ſword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found ſticking in my body; and found it anſwer'd the fractur'd part exactly.—There was now no room left for doubt; and all that remain'd, was to fix upon a ſcheme of revenge, which almoſt ſolely engroſſed my thoughts during the ſpace of eight nights and days.—Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the ſame manner as he had prac⯑tiſed upon me, and kill him outright.—But this my honour oppos'd, as a piece of barbarous cow⯑ardice, in which he was not to be imitated.—At other times, I entertain'd thoughts of de⯑manding ſatisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking, by conſidering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did not intitle him to ſuch eaſy terms.—At laſt I determin'd to pur⯑ſue a middle courſe; and actually put my deſign in execution after this manner.—Having ſecured the aſſiſtance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon; we provided our⯑ſelves in diſguiſes, and I cauſed the following let⯑ter to be deliver'd to him by one of our aſſociates in livery, one Sunday evening.

This letter was ſigned with the name of [an apothecary's wife, who lived in Chelſea, of whom I had heard Odonnell was an admirer.—Every thing ſucceeded to our wiſh.—The amor⯑ous hero haſtened towards the place of aſſigna⯑nation; and was encountered by us in the very place where he had aſſaulted me.—We ruſhed upon him all at once, ſecured his ſword, ſtript off his cloaths even to the ſkin, which we ſcourged with nettles till he was bliſtered from head to foot, notwithſtanding all the eloquence of his tears and ſupplications. When I was ſatisfied with the ſtripes I had beſtowed, we carried off his cloaths, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him ſtark naked, to find his way home in the beſt manner he could, while I took care to be there before him.—I afterwards un⯑derſtood that in his way to the lodgings of a friend, who lived in the ſkirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the Round-houſe, from whence he ſent for cloaths to his lodgings; and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was ſo ſore and ſwelled that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel.—He was treated with the utmoſt tenderneſs by my miſtreſs and her daugh⯑ter, [169] who vied one with the other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himſelf could not forbear expreſſing his joy, by ſeveral malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent to anoint him with.—As to myſelf, no body can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of ſeeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adverſary, by the ſores and ulcers I had been the cauſe of; and indeed I not only enjoyed the ſatisfaction of hav⯑ing flead him alive, but another alſo which I had not foreſeen.—The ſtory of his being attack⯑ed and ſtript in ſuch a place, having been inſerted in the news, gave information to thoſe who found his cloaths next day, whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved every thing he had loſt, except a few letters, among which was that which I had wrote to him in the name of the apothecary's wife.—This and the others, which (it ſeems) were all on the ſubject of love, (for this Hibernian hero was one of thoſe people who are called fortune-hunters) fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the ſcandal ſhe has publiſhed; who, after having em⯑belliſhed them with ſome ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print.—I was very much ſhocked on reflecting, that I might poſſibly be the occaſion of a whole family's unhappineſs, on account of the letter I had writ⯑ten; but was eaſed of that apprehenſion, when I underſtood that the Chelſea apothecary had com⯑menced a law-ſuit againſt the printer for defama⯑tion; and looked upon the whole as a piece of for⯑gery, committed by the author, who had diſap⯑peared.—But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies ſeemed to entertain a [170] different idea of it; for, as ſoon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their pa⯑tient conſiderably diminiſh, until at laſt it ended in total neglect.—It was impoſſible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occaſion of it; but as he was conſcious to him⯑ſelf of having deſerved worſe than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off ſo cheaply, and contented himſelf with muttering curſes and threats againſt the apothecary, who (as he imagined) having got an inkling of the appoint⯑ment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner deſcribed.—By that time he had got a new ſcarf ſkin, his character was become ſo notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp; which he performed one night with⯑out beat of drum, after having robbed his own ſervant of every thing that belonged to him ex⯑cept the cloaths he had on his back.—A few days after he diſappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own ſecurity, took into cuſtody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it was very heavy, made no queſtion of the contents being ſufficient to indemnify him for what Odonnel owed in lodging.—But a month being elapſed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer; and my maſter being impatient to know what the trunk contained; he ordered me to break it open in his preſence, which I performed with the peſtle of our great mortar, and diſcovered, to his inexpreſ⯑ſible aſtoniſhment and mortification, a heap of ſtones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre, and at the ſame time aſſured me, that whatever advantage he [171] might propoſe to himſelf from this proſpect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me; ſo much was he attached to my fortune.—In ſpite of all the obligations I owed this poor honeſt fellow, ingratitude is ſo natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his ac⯑quaintance; and now, that I had contracted other friendſhips which appeared more creditable, I was even aſhamed to ſee a journey man barber enquiring after me with the familiarity of a com⯑panion.—I therefore, on pretence of conſulting his welfare, inſiſted upon his accepting the propoſal, which he at laſt determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days took his leave of me, ſhedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion.—I now be⯑gan to look upon myſelf as a gentleman in reality; learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I had cured of a faſhionable diſtemper; frequented plays during the holidays; became the oracle of an ale-houſe, where every diſpute was referred to my deciſion; and at length contracted an acquain⯑tance with a young lady, who found means to make a conqueſt of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and ſolicitation, to give me a promiſe of marriage.—As this beau⯑tiful creature paſſed for a rich heireſs, I bleſſed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wiſhes, by matrimony; when one morning, I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where to my utter confuſion I found her in bed with a man.—Heaven gave me patience and preſence of mind enough to withdraw immediately; and I thanked my ſtars a thouſand times for the happy [172] diſcovery, by which I reſolved to profit ſo much, as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.

CHAP. XXI.

WHILE I enjoyed myſelf at large in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his firſt floor to my countryman and acquaintance 'Squire Gawky, who by this time had got a lieu⯑tenancy in the army, and ſuch a martial ferocity in his appearance, that I was afraid he would re⯑member what had happened between us in Scot⯑land, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe ſo, he betrayed not the leaſt ſymptom of recognition at ſight of me, and I remained quite cured of my apprehenſion; though I had occa⯑ſion not long after to be convinced, that howſo⯑ever his externals might be altered, he was at [173] bottom the ſame individual Gawky whom I have already deſcribed.—For coming home late one night from the houſe of a patient, I heard a noiſe in the ſtreet, and as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in cuſtody of three watchmen. The pri⯑ſoners, who ſeemed to be miſerably disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loſs of their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented moſt pi⯑teouſly, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman refuſed, alledging that one of his companions was wounded grievouſly, and that he muſt ſtand to the conſequence.—My prejudice in favour of my native country was ſo ſtrong, that I could not bear to ſee any body belonging to it in diſtreſs, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the perſon for whom I was chiefly concerned.—He no ſooner ſound himſelf diſengaged, than he betook himſelf to his heels, and left me to maintain the diſpute as I ſhould think proper; and indeed I came off but ſcurvily, for before I could avail myſelf of my ſpeed, I received a blow on the eye, from one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the uſe of that organ; however, I made ſhift to get home, where I was informed of captain Gawky's being robb'd and abuſed by a company of foot-pads; and was ordered by my maſter to prepare an emollient glyſter and paregorick draught, in order to allay and compoſe the ferment of his ſpirits, occaſioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.—When I enquired into the particulars of this adventure, and under⯑ſtood by the ſervant, that he came in juſt before [174] me, without hat and wig, I made no ſcruple of believing him to be the perſon I had releaſed, and was confirmed in that belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had been ſo long a ſtranger. My eye being conſide⯑rably ſwelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterpriſe without curſing my own fol⯑ly, and even reſolving to declare the truth of the whole ſtory, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch, for whom I had ſuffered: Ac⯑cordingly, next day, after he had told, in pre⯑ſence of my maſter, his wife and daughter, who came to viſit him, a thouſand lies concerning the proweſs he had ſhewn in making his eſcape, I ventured to explain the myſtery, and calling in the evidence of my contuſed eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude.—Gawky was ſo aſto⯑niſhed at this diſcourſe, that he could not anſwer one word; and the reſt of the company ſtared at one another; till at length my miſtreſs repre⯑manded me for my inſolent behaviour, and threa⯑tened to turn me away for my preſumption.—Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himſelf) obſerved, as the young man might have miſtaken another perſon for him, he could forgive his in⯑ſinuations, more eſpecially as he ſeemed to have ſuffered for his civility; but adviſed me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publiſh them to the prejudice of any man.—Miſs applauded the captain's ge⯑neroſity in pardoning one who had ſo villainouſly aſperſed him, and I began to imagine her praiſe was not at all diſintereſted.—But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration, or leſs par⯑tiality than his wife and daughter, differed from them in his ſentiments of the matter, and ex⯑preſſed [175] himſelf to me in the ſhop in this manner: ‘"Ah mon pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine vife and dater be diablement ſage, and Monſ. le capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!"—’This elogium on his wife and daughter, though meant ironically by him, was nevertheleſs literally juſt; for by eſpouſing the cauſe of Gawky, the one o⯑bliged a valuable lodger, and the other ac⯑quired a huſband at a juncture, when one was abſolutely neceſſary; for the young lady finding the effects of her correſpondence with Odonnel becoming plainer and plainer every day, inſi⯑nuated herſelf ſo artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in leſs than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were coupled; from thence re⯑moved to a bagnio, where the marriage was con⯑ſummated; and in the morning came home, where they aſked her father's and mother's bleſ⯑ſing.—The prudent parents, notwithſtanding the precipitation with which it was carried on, did not think fit to refuſe their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleaſed to find his daughter married to a young man of a good proſpect, who had not mentioned to him one ſyllable on the ar⯑ticle of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in her gallants, and a ſpy upon her pleaſures.—Nor was I without ſelf-enjoyment at this event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipation.—But I little dream'd what a ſtorm of miſchief was brewing againſt me, whilſt I thus indulged my⯑ſelf.—Whatever face Gawkey put on the matter, my diſcovery of the adventure before related, [176] and the reproaches I vented againſt him, had ſtung him to the ſoul, and cheriſhed the ſeeds of emnity ſo ſtrongly in his breaſt, that he (it ſeems) imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as deſirous as he to compaſs the ruin of one that not only ſlighted her careſſes, but was able on any occaſion to diſcover particulars not at all advan⯑tageous to her character, readily joined in a con⯑ſpiracy againſt me, which (had it taken effect as they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.

My maſter having ſeveral times miſſed large quantities of medicines of which I could give no account, at laſt loſt all patience, and in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own uſe. As I could only oppoſe my ſingle aſ⯑ſeveration to this ſuſpicion, he told me one day, ‘"By gar, your vord not be give me de ſatisfac⯑tion—me find neceſſaire to chercher for my medicine, pardonnez moy—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure."—’Then raiſing his voice to conceal the fright he was in, leſt I ſhould make any oppoſition, he went on, ‘"Oui, foutre, I charge you rendrer le clef of your coffre—moi—ſi, moi qui vous parle."—’I was fired with ſo much reſentment and diſdain at this accuſation, that I burſt into tears, which he took for a ſign of guilt; and pulling out my key, told him he might ſatiſ⯑fy himſelf immediately, though he would not find it ſo eaſy to ſatisfy me for the injury my re⯑putation had ſuffered from his unjuſt ſuſpicion.—He took the key and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family; ſaying, ‘"He bien, nous verrons—nous verrons."—’But what was my horror and amazement, when opening my [177] cheſt, I ſaw them pull out an handful of the very things that were miſſing, and heard him pronounce, ‘"Ah ha! vous etes bien venues—mardie, Monſ. Roderique, you be fort innocent!"—’I had not power to utter one word in my own vindica⯑tion, but ſtood motionleſs and ſilent, while every body preſent made their reſpective remarks on what appeared againſt me.—The ſervants ſaid, they were ſorry for my misfortune, and went a⯑way repeating, ‘"Who would have thought it!"’ My miſtreſs took occaſion from this to rail againſt the practice of employing ſtrangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having obſerved that ſhe never had a good opinion of my fidelity, propoſed to have me carried before the juſtice and commit⯑ted to Newgate immediately. Her huſband was actually upon the ſtairs in his way for a conſtable, when Mr. Lavement, knowing the coſt and trouble of a proſecution to which he muſt bind himſelf, and at the ſame time dreading leſt ſome particulars of my confeſſion might affect his practice, called out, ‘"Reſtez mon fils! reſtez, it be veritablement one grand crime wich dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peutetre de good God give him de penitence, and me vil not have upon mine head de blood of one ſinner."—’The captain and his lady uſed all the chriſtian argu⯑ments their zeal could ſuggeſt, to prevail on the apothecary to purſue me to deſtruction, and re⯑preſented the injuſtice he did to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain eſcape, who would not ſail of doing more miſ⯑chief in the world, when he ſhould reflect on his coming off ſo eaſily now;—but their eloquence made no impreſſion on my maſter, who turning to me, ſaid, ‘"Go, miſerable, go from mine [178] houſe, quick, quick—and make reparation for your mauvaiſe actions."—’By this time my in⯑dignation had rouſed me from the ſtupefaction in which I had hitherto remained, and I began in this manner: ‘"Sir, appearances, I own, con⯑demn me; but you are impoſed upon as much as I am abuſed—I have fallen a ſacrifice to the rancour of that ſcoundrel (pointing to Gawky) who has found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might blaſt my reputation, and accompliſh my deſtruction.—His hatred of me is owing to a conſciouſneſs of having wronged me in my own country; for which he in a cowardly manner refuſed me the ſatisfaction of a gentle⯑man;—he knows moreover, that I am no ſtranger to his daſtardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before;—and he is unwilling that ſuch a teſtimony of his in⯑gratitude and puſilanimity ſhould live upon the earth; for this reaſon he is guilty of the moſt infernal malice to bring about my ruin.—And I am afraid, madam, (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too eaſily entered into the ſentiments of your huſband—I have often found you my enemy; and am well acquainted with the occaſion of your being ſo, which I don't at preſent think proper to declare;—but I would not adviſe you, for your own ſake, to drive me to extremity."’ This addreſs enraged her ſo much, that with a face as red as ſcarlet, and the eyes of a fury, ſhe ſtrutted up to me, and putting her hands in her ſides, ſpit in my face, ſaying, I was a ſcandalous villain, but ſhe defied my malice; and that unleſs her papa would pro⯑ſecute me like a thief as I was, ſhe would not [179] ſtay another night under his roof.—At the ſame time, Gawky aſſuming a big look, told me, he ſcorned what lies I could invent againſt him; but that if I pretended to aſperſe his wife, he would put me to death, by G—d.—To this I anſwered, ‘"I wiſh to God I could meet with thee in a deſart, that I might have an oppor⯑tunity of revenging thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of ſuch a raſcal—What hinders me this moment (ſaid I, ſeizing an old bottle that ſtood by) from doing myſelf that juſtice?"’ I had no ſooner armed myſelf in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in law retired in ſuch a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and rolled together down ſtairs; while my miſtreſs ſwooned away with fear; and her daughter aſked if I intended to murder her.—I gave her to underſtand that nothing was farther from my intention; that I would leave her to the ſtings of her own conſcience; but was firm⯑ly reſolved to ſlit her huſband's noſe, whenever fortune ſhould offer a convenient opportunity.—Then going down ſtairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the peſtle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his ſword puſhing him forward.—I demanded a parley, and having aſſured them of my pacific diſpoſition; Gawky exclaimed, ‘"Ah! villain! you have killed my dear wife."—’And the apothecary cried, ‘"Ah! coquin! vere is my child?"—’ ‘"The lady (ſaid I) is above ſtairs, unhurt by me, and will a few months hence (I believe) reward your concern."—’Here ſhe called to them herſelf, and deſired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themſelves no farther about him.—To which her father conſented, obſerving never⯑theleſs, [180] that my converſation was fort myſterieux.—Finding it impoſſible to vindicate my innocence, I left the houſe immediately, and went to the ſchoolmaſter, with an intention of clearing my⯑ſelf to him, and aſking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but to my inexpreſſible vexa⯑tion, was told he was gone to the country, where he would ſtay two or three days.—I returned with a deſign of conſulting ſome acquaintance I had acquired in my maſter's neighbourhood; but my ſtory had taken air, through the officiouſneſs of the ſervants, and not one of my friends would vouchſafe me a hearing.—Thus I found myſelf, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more de⯑plorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was with⯑out blemiſh, and my health unimpaired till now;—but at preſent my good name was loſt, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body infected by a diſtemper contracted in the courſe of an amour; and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and aſſiſtance, abſent I knew not where.

The firſt reſolution I could take in this melan⯑choly conjuncture, was to remove my cloaths to the houſe of the perſon with whom I had formerly lodg'd; there I remained two days, in hopes of getting ano⯑ther place, by the intereſt of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindi⯑cate my character;—but in this I reckoned with⯑out my hoſt, for Lavement took care to be before⯑hand with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the ſchoolmaſter, I found him ſo prepoſſeſſed againſt me, that he would ſcarce bear me to an end; but when I had finiſhed my juſtification, ſhook his head, and beginning with his [181] uſual exclamation, ‘"O Ch—ſt! ſaid, that won't go down with me.—I am very ſorry I ſhould have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but however ſhall be more cautious for the fu⯑ture—I will truſt no man from henceforward—no, not my father who begat me—nor the brother who lay with me in my mother's womb—ſhould the genius of truth appear I would queſtion its veracity; and if Daniel would riſe from the dead I ſhould think him an impoſtor."—’I told him, that one day, it was poſſible, he might be convinced of the injury I had ſuffered, and repent of his premature de⯑termination.—To which he anſwered the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with joy; ‘"but till that ſhall happen (continued he) I muſt beg to have no manner of con⯑nection with you—my reputation is at ſtake—O my good God! I ſhall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will ſay Jonathan Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I paſs along; and the cinder wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin—I ſhall be notorious—the very butt of ſlander, and cloaca of infamy."—’I was not in an humour to reliſh the climax of expreſſions upon which this gentleman valued himſelf in all his diſcourſes; but without any ceremony took my leave, curſed with every ſentiment of horror, which my ſitua⯑tion could ſuggeſt.—I conſidered, however, in the intervals of my deſpondence, that I muſt in ſome ſhape ſuit my expence to my calamitous circumſtances; and with that view hired an a⯑partment in a garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine-pence per week.—In this place I reſolved [182] to perform my own cure, having firſt pawned three ſhirts to purchaſe medicines and ſupport for the occaſion.

One day when I ſat in this ſolitary retreat, muſing upon the unhappineſs of my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that iſſued from a chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately run, and ſound a woman ſtretched on a miſerable truckle bed, without any viſible ſigns of life. Having applied a ſmelling bottle to her noſe, the blood began to reviſit her cheeks, and ſhe opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what were the emo⯑tions of my ſoul, when I diſcovered her to be the ſame individual lady, who had triumphed over my heart, and to whoſe fate I had almoſt been inſeparably joined! Her deplorable ſituation filled my breaſt with compaſſion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her embrace; ſhe knew me immediately, and ſtrain⯑ing me gently in her arms, ſhed a torrent of tears, which I could not help encreaſing: At length, caſting a languiſhing look at me, ſhe pronounced with a feeble voice, ‘"Dear Mr. Random, I do not deſerve this concern at your hands—I am a vile creature, who had a baſe deſign upon your perſon—ſuffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miſerable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours."—’I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all the injury ſhe had deſigned for me; and that although my circum⯑ſtances were extremely low, I would ſhare my laſt farthing with her.—In the mean time, begged to know the immediate cauſe of that fit from which ſhe had juſt recovered, and I would endeavour by my ſkill to prevent any more ſuch attacks.— [183] She ſeemed very much affected with what I ſaid, took my hand and preſſed it to her lips, ſaying, ‘"You are too generous! I wiſh I could live to expreſs my gratitude—but alas! I periſh for want."—’Then ſhutting her eyes, relapſed into another ſwoon.—Such extremity of diſtreſs muſt have waked the moſt obdurate heart to ſympathy and compaſſion: What effect then muſt it have on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender paſſion? I ran down ſtairs and ſent my landlady to a chymiſt's ſhop for ſome cinnamon-water, while I returning to this unfortunate creature's chamber, uſed all the means in my power to bring her to herſelf, which with much difficulty I accompliſhed, and made her drink a glaſs of the cordial to recruit her ſpirits; then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toaſt, which hav⯑ing taken, ſhe found herſelf thoroughly revived, and informed me, that ſhe had not taſted food for eight and forty hours before.—As I was impatient to know the occaſion and nature of her calamity, ſhe gave me to underſtand that ſhe was a woman of the town by profeſſion—that in the courſe of her adventures, ſhe found herſelf dangerouſly in⯑fected with a diſtemper to which all of her claſs are particularly ſubject;—that her malady gaining ground every day, ſhe was become loathſome to herſelf as well as to every one elſe, when ſhe re⯑ſolved to retire to ſome obſcure corner, where ſhe might be cured with as little noiſe and ex⯑pence as poſſible;—that ſhe had accordingly choſen this place of retreat, and put herſelf into the hands of an advertiſing doctor, who having ſleeced her of all the money ſhe had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worſe condition than that in which he found her;—that except the [184] cloaths on her back, ſhe had pawned or ſold eve⯑ry thing that belonged to her, to ſatisfy that ra⯑pacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who ſtill perſiſted in her threats to turn her out into the ſtreet.—After having moralized upon theſe particulars, I propoſed that ſhe ſhould lodge in the ſame room with me, which would ſave ſome money; and aſſured her I would myſelf undertake her cure as well as my own, during which ſhe ſhould partake of all the conveniencies I could afford to myſelf.—She embraced my of⯑fer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I be⯑gan to put it in practice immediately.—I found to my great ſatisfaction, in her, not only an a⯑greeable companion, whoſe converſation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but alſo a careful nurſe, who ſerved me with the utmoſt fidelity and af⯑fection. One day, while I teſtified my ſurpriſe that a woman of her beauty, good ſenſe, and education (for ſhe had a large portion of each) could be reduced to ſuch an infamous and miſera⯑ble way of life as that of a proſtitute; ſhe an⯑ſwered with a ſigh, ‘"Theſe very advantages were the cauſe of my undoing."—’This re⯑markable reply inflamed my curioſity to ſuch a degree, that I begged ſhe would favour me with the particulars of her ſtory, and ſhe complied in theſe words.

CHAP. XXII.

MY father was an eminent merchant in the city, who having, in the courſe of trade, ſuf⯑fered very conſiderable loſſes, retired in his old age with his wife to a ſmall eſtate in the country, which he had purchaſed with the remains of his fortune.—At that time I being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of educa⯑tion; boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Preſbyterian, and who confined me ſo cloſely to what ſhe called the duties of religion, that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by de⯑grees conceived an averſion for the good books ſhe daily recommended to my peruſal. As I in⯑creaſed in age, and appeared with a perſon not diſagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquain⯑tance among my own ſex; one of whom, after having lamented the reſtraint I was under from the narrowneſs of my aunt's ſentiments, told me, I muſt now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, and learn to think for myſelf;—for which purpoſe ſhe adviſed me to read Locke, Shaftſbury, Tin⯑dal, Hobbs, and all the books that are remarka⯑ble for their deviation from the old way of think⯑ing, and by comparing one with another, I would ſoon be able to form a ſyſtem of my own.—I followed her advice, and whether it was ow⯑ing to my prepoſſeſſion againſt what I had for⯑merly [186] read, or the clearneſs of argument in theſe my new inſtructors, I know not, but I ſtudied them with pleaſure, and in a ſhort time became a profeſſed Free-thinker. Proud of my new im⯑provement, I argued in all companies, and that with ſuch ſucceſs, that I ſoon acquired the repu⯑tation of a philoſopher, and few people durſt un⯑dertake me in a diſpute.—I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proſelyte to my opinion; but ſhe no ſooner perceived my drift, than taking the alarm, ſhe wrote to my father an account of my hereſy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my ſoul, to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted ſuch ſin⯑ful principles: Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and by his command, gave him a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find ſo unreaſonable as they had been re⯑preſented.—Finding myſelf ſuddenly deprived of the company and pleaſures of the town, I grew melancholy, and it was ſome time before I could reliſh my ſituation.—But ſolitude became every day more and more familiar to me, and I con⯑ſoled myſelf in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at ſuch times as were not em⯑ployed in the management of the family, (for my mother had been dead three years) in viſit⯑ing, or ſome other party of rural diverſion.—Having more imagination than judgment, I ad⯑dicted myſelf too much to poetry and romance; and in ſhort was looked upon as a very extraor⯑dinary perſon by every body in the country where I reſided.—I had one evening ſtrayed with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered on [187] the high road, at a little diſtance from my fa⯑ther's houſe; when a certain drunken 'ſquire, riding by, perceived me, and crying, ‘"Z—ds! there's a charming creature!"’ alighted in a moment, catched me in his arms, and treated me ſo rudely, that I ſhrieked as loud as I could, and in the mean time oppoſed his violence with all the ſtrength that rage and reſentment could inſpire.—During this ſtruggle, another horſeman came up, who ſeeing a lady ſo unworthily uſed, diſmounted and flew to my aſſiſtance.—My ra⯑viſher, mad with diſappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horſe, drew a piſtol from the ſaddle and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and with the butt end of his whip, laid him proſtrate on the ground, before he could uſe the other, which his antagoniſt immediately ſeized, and clapping to the 'ſquire's breaſt, threatned to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery: Upon this I interpoſed and begged his life, which was granted to my requeſt, after he had aſked pardon, and ſwore his intention was only to ob⯑tain a kiſs.—However, my defender thought pro⯑per to unload the other piſtol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty.—This courteous ſtranger conducted me home, where my father having learned the ſignal ſervice he had done me, loaded him with careſſes, and inſiſted on his lodging that night at our houſe.—If the obligation he had conferred upon me juſtly in⯑ſpired me with ſentiments of gratitude, his ap⯑pearance and converſation ſeemed to intitle him to ſomewhat more.—He was about the age of two and twenty, among the talleſt of the middle⯑ſize; [188] had cheſnut coloured hair which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high poliſhed fore-head, a noſe inclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as ſnow, and a certain openneſs of countenance,—but what need I deſcribe any more particulars of his per⯑ſon? I hope you will do me the juſtice to believe I do not flatter, when I ſay he was the exact re⯑ſemblance of you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his family and pedigree, I ſhould have made no ſcruple of concluding him your brother.—He ſpoke little, and ſeemed to have no reſerve, for what he ſaid was ingenuous, ſenſible, and uncommon.—In ſhort (ſaid ſhe, burſting in⯑to tears) he was formed for the ruin of our ſex.—His behaviour was modeſt and reſpectful, but his looks were ſo ſignificant that I could eaſily obſerve, he ſecretly bleſſed the occaſion that intro⯑duced him to my acquaintance.—We learned from his diſcourſe that he was eldeſt ſon of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whoſe name we were no ſtrangers; that he had been to viſit an acquaintance in the country, from whoſe houſe he was returning home, when my ſhrieks brought him to my reſcue.—All night long my imagination formed a thouſand ridi⯑culous expectations: There was ſo much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to the relief of a damſel in diſtreſs, with whom he im⯑mediately became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon myſelf as a princeſs in ſome re⯑gion of romance, who being delivered from the power of a brutal giant or ſatyr by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to [189] him without reſerve. In vain did I endeavour to chaſtiſe theſe fooliſh conceits by reflexions more reaſonable and ſevere: The amuſing images took full poſſeſſion of my mind, and my dreams repre⯑ſented my hero ſighing at my feet, in the lan⯑guage of a deſpairing lover.—Next morning after breakfaſt he took his leave, when my father beg⯑ged the favour of a further acquaintance with him; to which he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me ſo full of eloquence and tenderneſs, that my whole ſoul received the ſoft impreſſion.—In a ſhort time he repeated his vi⯑ſit; and as a recital of the particular ſteps he pur⯑ſued to ruin me, would be too tedious and im⯑pertinent, let it ſuffice to ſay, he made it his buſineſs to inſinuate himſelf into my eſteem, by convincing me of his own good ſenſe, and at the ſame time flattering my underſtanding: This he performed in the moſt artful manner, by ſeeming to contradict me often through miſapprehenſion, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myſelf, the more to my own honour.—Having thus ſecured my good opinion, he be⯑gan to give me ſome tokens of a particular paſ⯑ſion founded on a veneration for the qualities of my mind, and as an accidental ornament, ad⯑mir'd the beauties of my perſon; till at length, being fully perſuaded of his conqueſt, he choſe a a proper ſeaſon for the theme, and diſclos'd his love in terms ſo ardent and ſincere, that it was impoſſible for me to diſguiſe the ſentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with the moſt lively tranſport. After this mutual declara⯑tion, we contrived to meet more frequently, which we did in private interviews, where we enjoy'd the converſation of one another, in all [190] the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope, that reciprocal adoration can inſpire.—He profeſ⯑ſed his honourable intentions, of which I made no queſtion, lamented the avaritious diſpoſition of his father, who had deſtin'd him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with ſuch an appearance of candour and devotion, that I be⯑came a dupe to his deceit, and in an evil hour crowned his eager deſire with full poſſeſſion.—Curſed be the day on which I gave away my in⯑nocence and peace, for a momentary gratifica⯑tion which has entailed upon me ſuch miſery and horror! curſed be my beauty that firſt attracted the attention of the ſeducer! curſed be my edu⯑cation, that by refining my ſentiments, made my heart the more ſuſceptible! curſed be my good ſenſe that fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, no body would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my perſon would not have atoned for the coarſeneſs of my converſation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been ſo diffuſed, that I ſhould never have liſtened to the enchantments of one alone.

But to return to my unfortunate ſtory; we gave a looſe to guilty pleaſure, which for ſome months baniſhed every other concern.—But by degrees, his viſits became leſs frequent, and his behaviour leſs warm: I perceived his coldneſs, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I inſiſted upon the performance of his promiſe to eſpouſe me, that whatever ſhould happen, my reputation might be ſafe: He ſeemed to acquieſce in my propoſal, and leſt me on pre⯑tence [191] of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock.—But alas! the In⯑conſtant had no intention to return: I waited a whole week with the utmoſt impatience; ſometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing excuſes for him, and condemning my⯑ſelf for harbouring the leaſt ſuſpicion of his faith.—At length, I underſtood from a gentleman who dined at our houſe, that this perfidious wretch was on the point of ſetting out for Lon⯑don with his bride, to buy cloaths for their ap⯑proaching nuptials.—This information diſtracted me! the more ſo, as I found myſelf ſome months gone with child, and reflected, that it would be impoſſible to conceal my diſgrace, which would not only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, but alſo bring the grey hairs of an in⯑dulgent parent with ſorrow to the grave. Rage took poſſeſſion of my ſoul; I denounced a thouſand imprecations, and formed as many ſchemes of revenge againſt the traitor who had undone me! then my reſentment would ſubſide to ſilent ſorrow: I recalled the tranquility I had loſt, I wept over my infatuation, and ſometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favoura⯑ble circumſtances of his character, repeat the vows he made, aſcribe his abſence to the vigi⯑lance of a ſuſpicious father, who compelled him to a match his ſoul abhorred, and comfort my⯑ſelf with the expectation of ſeeing him before the thing ſhould be brought to any terms of a⯑greement.—But how vain was my imagination? The villain left me without remorſe, and in a few days the news of his marriage ſpread all over the country.—My horror was then inconceivable! [192] and had not the deſire of revenge diverted the re⯑ſolution, I ſhould infallibly have put an end to my miſerable life.—My father obſerved the ſymp⯑toms of my deſpair; and though I have good reaſon to believe, he gueſſed the cauſe, was at a great deal of pains to ſeem ignorant of my afflic⯑tion, while he endeavoured with paternal fond⯑neſs to alleviate my diſtreſs. I ſaw his concern, which increaſed my anguiſh, and raiſed my fury againſt the author of my calamity, to an impla⯑cable degree. Having furniſhed myſelf with a little money, I made an elopement from this un⯑happy parent in the night-time, and about break of day, arrived at a ſmall town from whence a ſtage-coach ſet out for London, in which I em⯑barked, and next day alighted in town; the ſpirit of revenge having ſupported me all the way a⯑gainſt every other reflection.—My firſt care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myſelf very retired, having aſſumed a feigned name, that my character and ſituation might be the better con⯑cealed.—It was not long before I found out the houſe of my raviſher, whither I immediately repaired in a tranſport of rage, determined to act ſome deſperate deed for the ſatisfaction of my de⯑ſpair, though the hurry of my ſpirits would not permit me to concert or reſolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded admiſſion to Lothario (ſo let me call him) I was deſired to ſend up my name and buſineſs; but this I refuſed, telling the porter I had buſineſs for his maſter's private ear: Upon which I was conducted into a parlour un⯑til he ſhould be informed of my requeſt.—There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a ſervant entered and told me his maſter was engaged with company, and begged to be [193] excuſed at that time.—My temper could hold out no longer: I pulled a poignard from my boſom where I had concealed it, and ruſhing out, flew up ſtairs like a fury, exclaiming, ‘"Where is this perfidious villain! could I once plunge this dagger into his falſe heart, I would then die ſatisfied."—’The noiſe I made alarmed not only the ſervants, but the company alſo, who hearing my threats, came forwards to the ſtair-caſe to ſee what was the matter. By this time I was ſeized, diſarmed, and with-held by two footmen; in this ſituation I felt the moſt exquiſite torture in be⯑holding my undoer approach with his young wife; I could not endure the ſight, was deprived of my ſenſes, and fell into a ſevere fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I re⯑covered the uſe of reflection, found myſelf on a bed in a paultry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who aſked a thouſand imper⯑tinent queſtions relating to my condition; and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confuſion; that Lothario af⯑firmed I was mad, and pretended to have me ſent to Bedlam; but my lady perſuaded herſelf there was more in my conduct than he cared ſhould be known, and had taken to her bed on bare ſuſpicion, having firſt ordered that I ſhould be narrowly looked to.—I heard all ſhe ſaid without making any other reply, than deſiring ſhe would do me the favour to call a chair; but this (ſhe told me) could not be done without her maſter's conſent, which, however, was eaſily procured, and I was conveyed to my own lodging in a ſtate of mind that baffles all deſcription. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miſcarriage; and I believe it is well for my [194] conſcience that heaven thus diſpoſed of my burden; for let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to ſacrifice the little innocent to my reſentment of the wrongs done me by the father.

After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm; when one day, my landlady informed me that there was a gen⯑tleman below who deſired to ſee me, having ſomething of conſequence to impart, which he was ſure would contribute to my peace of mind.—I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thouſand ways; and before I came to any determination he en⯑tered my room, with an apology for intruding upon me againſt my knowledge or conſent.—I ſurveyed him ſome time, but could not remember to have ſeen him before; then with a faultering accent, demanded what was his buſineſs with me?—Upon which, he deſired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating ſomething that would conduce to my ſatisfaction and repoſe. As I thought my⯑ſelf ſufficiently guarded againſt any violence, I granted his requeſt, and bid the woman with⯑draw.—The ſtranger then advancing, gave me to underſtand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my ſtory, having been informed of them from Lothario's own mouth—that from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a deteſtation for the author of them; which had of late been increaſed and inflamed to a deſire of revenge, by a piece of diſhonourable conduct towards him—that hearing of my melancholy ſituation, he had come with an intention of offering his aſ⯑ſiſtance [195] and comfort, and was ready to eſpouſe my quarrel and forthwith take vengeance on my ſeducer, provided I would grant him one conſi⯑deration, which (he hoped) I ſhould ſee no rea⯑ſon to refuſe.—Had all the artifice of hell been employed in compoſing a perſuaſive, it could not have had a more inſtantaneous or favourable effect than this diſcourſe had upon me.—I was tranſported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my companion in my arms, and vowed that if he would make good his promiſe, my ſoul and body ſhould be at his diſpoſal.—The contract was made; he devoted himſelf to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of his death before morning.—Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and aſſured me my perfidious lover was no more; that although he was not entitled to ſuch an honourable pro⯑ceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery to⯑wards me, for whom (he told him) his ſword was drawn, and after a few paſſes, left him wel⯑tering in his blood.—I was ſo ſavaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this ad⯑venture, made him repeat the particulars, feaſted my eyes with the blood that remained on his cloaths and ſword, and yielded up my body as a recompence for the ſervice he had done me. My imagination was ſo engroſſed by theſe ideas, that in my ſleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled and bloody, blamed my raſhneſs, proteſted his innocence, and pleaded his own cauſe ſo pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a ſit of horror and remorſe.—My bed-fellow endeavoured to ſoo [...] [196] conſole, and perſuade me that I had but barely done juſtice to myſelf.—I dropt aſleep again, and the ſame apparition recurred to my fancy.—In ſhort, I paſſed the night in great miſery, and looked upon my avenger with ſuch abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my averſion, he inſinuated there was ſtill a poſſibility of Lotha⯑rio's recovery; it was true, be left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.—At theſe words I ſtarted up, bid him fly for intelligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario's ſafety, at leaſt conſult his own and never return, for I was reſolved to ſurrender myſelf to juſtice, and declare all that I knew of the affair, that, if poſſible, I might expiate my own guilt, by in⯑curring the rigours of a ſincere repentance and ig⯑nominious death.—He very coolly repreſented the unreaſonableneſs of my prejudice againſt him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inſpired, and honour juſtified;—that now he had at the riſk of his life, been ſubſervient to my re⯑venge, I was about to diſcard him as an in⯑famous agent occaſionally neceſſary: and that even if he ſhould be ſo lucky as to bring news of Lothario's ſafety, it was probable my former re⯑ſentment might revive, and I would upbraid him with having failed in his undertaking.—I aſſured him that, on the contrary, he would be dearer to me than ever, as I ſhould be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour, than on thoſe of a mercenary aſſaſſin, and ſcorned to take away the life of an adverſary (how inve⯑terate ſoever) which fortune had put in his power.—‘"Well then, madam, (ſaid he) whatever may have happened, I ſhall find it no difficult matter [197] to ſatisfy you in that."—’And took his leave, in order to enquire into the conſequences of his duel.—I was now more ſenſible than ever of the degrees of guilt and miſery; all the affliction I had ſuffered hitherto was owing to my own cre⯑dulity and weakneſs, and my conſcience could only accuſe me of venal crimes; but now that I looked upon myſelf as a murderer, it is impoſſible to expreſs the terrors of my imagination, which was inceſſantly haunted by the image of the de⯑ceaſed, and my boſom ſtung with the moſt ex⯑quiſite agonies, of which I ſaw no end.—At length, Horatio (for ſo I ſhall call my keeper) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing theſe words.

Being well acquainted with his hand, I had no reaſon to ſuſpect an impoſition in this letter, which I read over and over with a tranſport of joy, and careſſed Horatio ſo much, that he ap⯑peared the happieſt men alive. Thus was I won from deſpair by the menaces of a greater misfor⯑tune [198] than that which depreſſed me.—Griefs are like uſurpers, the moſt powerful depoſes all the reſt—But my raptures were not laſting—that very letter which in a manner re-eſtabliſhed my tranquility, in a little time baniſhed my peace.—His unjuſt reproaches, while they waked my reſentment, recalled my former happineſs, and filled my ſoul with rage and ſorrow.—Horatio, perceiving the ſituation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amuſements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could de⯑ſire; introduced into the company of other kept⯑miſtreſles, by whom an uncommon deference was paid me; and I began to loſe all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view with all its intereſting cir⯑cumſtances.—Diverting myſelf one day with ſome news papers, which I had not before pe⯑ruſed, the following advertiſement attracted my attention.

‘"WHEREAS a young gentlewoman diſ⯑appeared from her father's houſe, in the county of—, about the end of Septem⯑ber, on account (as is ſuppoſed) of ſome un⯑eaſineſs of mind, and has not been as yet heard of; whoever will give an information about her, to Mr.—of Gray's-Inn, ſhall be handſomely rewarded; or if ſhe will return to the arms of her diſconſolate parent, ſhe will be received with the utmoſt tenderneſs, whatever reaſons ſhe may have to think other⯑wiſe, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, already weighed down almoſt to the grave with age and ſorrow."’

[199] This pathetic remonſtrance had ſuch an ef⯑fect on me, that I was fully reſolved to return like the prodigal ſon, and implore the forgiveneſs of him who gave me life; but alas! upon inqui⯑ry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my abſence to his laſt hour, having left his fortune to a ſtranger as a mark of his reſentment of my unkind and undu⯑tiful behaviour.—Penetrated with remorſe on this occaſion, I ſunk into the moſt profound melan⯑choly, and conſidered myſelf as the immediate cauſe of his death.—I loſt all reliſh for company, and indeed moſt of my acquaintances no ſooner perceived my change of temper, than they aban⯑doned me. Horatio, diſguſted at my inſenſibility, or (which is more probable) cloyed with poſſeſ⯑ſion, became colder and colder every day, till at laſt he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct; or ſecuring me againſt the miſeries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, conſidering the ſhare he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned that the quar⯑rel between Lothario and him, was a ſtory trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my perſon, which, it ſeems, he luſted after, upon ſeeing me at the houſe of my ſeducer.—Reduced to this extremity, I curſed my own ſimplicity, uttered horrid imprecations againſt the treachery of Ho⯑ratio; and as I became every day more and more familiarized to the loſs of innocence, reſolved to be revenged on the ſex in general, by practiſing their own arts upon themſelves.—Nor was an op⯑portunity long wanting: An old gentlewoman, under pretence of ſympathizing, viſited me, and after having condoled with me on my miſ⯑fortunes, [200] and profeſſed a diſintereſted friendſhip, began to diſplay the art of her occupation, in en⯑comiums on my beauty, and invectives againſt the wretch who had forſaken me; inſinuating withal that it would be my own fault if I did not ſtill make my fortune by the extraordinary qua⯑lifications with which nature had endowed me.—I ſoon underſtood her drift, and gave her ſuch encouragement to explain herſelf, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide the profits of my proſtitution, accruing from ſuch gallants as ſhe ſhould introduce to my acquaintance. The firſt ſtroke of my diſſimulation, was practiſed upon a certain J—ge, to whom I was recommended by this matron, as an innocent creature juſt arrived from the country; he was ſo tranſported with my appearance and feigned ſimplicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the poſſeſſion of me for one night only, during which I behaved in ſuch a manner, as to make him perfectly well pleaſed with his purchaſe.

CHAP. XXIII.

HER ſtory was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no ſooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows ruſhed in, one of whom accoſted my fellow lodger thus:—‘"Madam, your ſervant—you muſt do me the favour to come along with me—I have got a writ againſt you."—’While the bailif (for ſo he was) ſpoke thus, his followers ſurrounded the priſoner, and began to handle her very roughly.—This treatment incenſed me ſo much, that I ſnatched up the poker, and would certainly have uſed it in defence of the lady, without any re⯑gard to the ſtrength and number of her adverſaries, had not ſhe begged me with a compoſure of countenance, for which I could not account, to uſe no violence in her behalf, which could be of no ſervice to her, but might be very detrimental [202] to myſelf.—Then turning to the leader of this formidable troop, ſhe deſired to ſee the warrant, and having peruſed it, ſaid with a faultering voice, ‘"I am not the perſon whoſe name is here men⯑tioned; arreſt me at your peril."—’ ‘"Ay, ay, Madam, (replied the catch-pole) we ſhall prove your identity.—In the mean time, whether will you be pleaſed to be carried to my houſe or to Jail?"—’ ‘"If I muſt be confined (ſaid ſhe) I would rather have your houſe for a pri⯑ſon than a common Jail."—’ ‘"Well, well, (anſwered he) if you have money enough in your pocket, you ſhall be entertained like a princeſs."—’But when ſhe acquainted him with her poverty, he ſwore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach to carry her to the Marſhalſea at once.—While this was a doing ſhe took me aſide, and bid me be under no concern on her account, for ſhe knew how to extricate herſelf from this difficulty very ſoon, and perhaps gain ſomething by the occaſion.—Although her diſcourſe was a myſte⯑ry to me, I was very well pleaſed with her aſſu⯑rance, and when the coach came to the door, of⯑fered to accompany her to priſon, to which, after much intreaty, ſhe conſented.—When we arrived at the gate of the Marſhalſea, our conductor a⯑lighted, and having demanded entrance, preſent⯑ed the writ to the turnkey, who no ſooner per⯑ceived the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he cried, ‘"Ah ha! my old acquaintance Bett! I'm glad to ſee thee with all my heart."—’So ſaying he opened the coach door, and helped her to diſ⯑mount; but when he obſerved her face, he ſtarted back, ſaying, ‘"Z—ds! who have we got here?"—’The bailif, alarmed at this inter⯑rogation, [203] cried with ſome emotion, ‘"Who the devil ſhould it be, but the priſoner Elizabeth Cary?"’ The turnkey replied, ‘"That Eli⯑zabeth Cary!—I'll be damned if that's Eliza⯑beth Cary, more than my grandmother.—D—n my blood, I know Bett Cary as well as if I had made her."—’Here the lady thought fit to interpoſe, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at firſt, he might have ſaved himſelf and her a great deal of trouble.—‘"It may be ſo (anſwered he) but by G—d, I'll have further evidence that you are not the perſon before you and I part."—’ ‘"Yes, yes, (ſaid ſhe) you ſhall have further evidence to your coſt."—’Upon this we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, and requeſt them to come to her immediately: I found them together at a houſe in Bridges's ſtreet, Drury-lane, and as they were luckily unengaged, they ſet out with me in a hack⯑ney-coach without heſitation, after I had related the circumſtances of the affair, which flattered them with hopes of ſeeing a bailif trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between the whores and bailifs, as that ſubſiſting between mice and cats.—Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the priſoner very affec⯑tionately by the name of Nancy Williams; and aſked how long ſhe had been nabb'd, and for what?—On hearing the particulars of her adven⯑ture repeated, they offered to ſwear before a juſtice of peace that ſhe was not the perſon men⯑tioned in the writ whom it ſeems, they all knew; but the bailif, who by this time was convinced of [...], told them he would not [204] put them to that trouble.—‘"Ladies (ſaid he) there's no harm done—you ſhall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends."—’This propoſal was not at all reliſhed by the ſiſterhood; and miſs Williams told him: Sure he did not imagine her ſuch a fool as to be ſatisfied with a paultry glaſs of ſour wine.—Here the turnkey interrupted her, by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as ever was tipped over tongue.—‘"Well (con⯑tinued ſhe) that may be—but was it the beſt of champaign, it is no recompence for the da⯑mage I have ſuffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail—At this rate no innocent perſon is ſafe, ſince any officer of juſtice, out of malice, private pique, or miſtake, may injure and oppreſs the ſubject with impunity—but, thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not ſuffer ſuch inſults to paſs unpuniſhed, and I know very well how to procure redreſs."—’Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailif's name) finding he had to deal with one who would not be impoſed upon, began to look very ſullen and perplexed, and leaning his fore-head on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himſelf, which laſted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curſes againſt the old b—ch our landlady (as he called her) for having miſin⯑formed him.—After much wrangling and ſwear⯑ing, the matter was referred to the deciſion of the turnkey, who calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailif in all the liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas for the uſe of the plaintif.—The money was imme⯑diately depoſited; miſs Williams gratified the two [205] evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loſs, yet pleaſed in the main, for having ſo cheaply got clear of a bu⯑ſineſs that might have coſt him ten times the ſum, and his place to boot.—This guinea was a very ſeaſonable relief to us, who were reduced to great neceſſity, ſix of my ſhirts and almoſt all my cloaths, except thoſe on my back, being either pawned or ſold for our maintenance before this happened.—As we reſented the behaviour of our landlandy, our firſt care was to provide ourſelves with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an intention to keep ourſelves as retired as poſſible until our cure ſhould be compleated.—When we were fixed in our new habitation, I intreated her to finiſh the ſtory of her Life, which ſhe purſued in this manner:

The ſucceſs of our experiment on the J—ge, encouraged us to practice the ſame deceit on o⯑thers, and my virginity was five times ſold to good purpoſe; but this harveſt laſted not long, my character taking air, and my directreſs de⯑ſerting me for ſome new game. Whereupon I took lodgings near Charing croſs, at two guineas per week, and began to entertain company in a public manner:—But my income being too ſmall to defray my expence, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would ſhare my profits with them.—Accordingly, I was almoſt every night engaged with company, among whom I was ex⯑poſed to every mortification, danger and abuſe that flow from drunkenneſs, brutality and diſeaſe. [] —How miſerable is the condition of a courtezan, whoſe buſineſs it is to ſooth, ſuffer, and obey the dictates of rage, inſolence and luſt!—As my ſpi⯑rit was not ſufficiently humbled to the will, not my temper calculated for the converſation of my gallants, it was impoſſible for me to overcome an averſion I felt for my profeſſion, which mani⯑feſted itſelf in a ſettled gloom on my countenance, and diſguſted theſe ſons of mirth and riot ſo much, that I was frequently uſed in a ſhocking manner, and kicked down ſtairs with diſgrace.—The meſ⯑ſengers ſeeing me diſagrecable to their benefactors and employers, ſeldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find myſelf almoſt totally neglected. To contribute towards my ſupport, I was fain to ſell my watch, rings, trinkets, with the beſt part of my cloaths; and I was one evening muſing by myſelf, on the miſery before me, when I re⯑ceived a meſſage from a bagnio, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dreſſed like an officer, with whom I ſupped tête a tête, in a ſumptuous manner, and after drink⯑ing a hearty glaſs of champaign, went to bed.—In the morning when I awoke I found my gallant had got up, and drawing aſ [...] the curtain, could not perceive him in the room; this gave me ſome uneaſineſs, but [...] he might have retired on ſome neceſſary oc⯑caſion, I waited a full hour for his return: and then in the greateſt perplexity got up, and rung the bell.—When the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and deſired admittance, which I granted, after obſerving with great ſur⯑prize that the key remained on the inſide, as when we went to bed. I no ſooner enquired for the captain, than the fellow ſtaring with a diſ⯑tracted [207] look, cried, ‘"How, madam! is he not a-bed?"’ And when he was ſatisfied as to that, run into a cloſet adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open.—Through this the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a court and eſcaped; leav⯑ing me to be anſwerable, not only for the rec⯑koning, but alſo for a large ſilver tankard and poſſet-bowl, which he had carried off with him.—It is impoſſible to deſcribe the conſternation I was under, when I ſaw myſelf detained as a thief's accomplice (for I was looked upon in that light) and carried before a juſtice, who miſtaking my confuſion for a ſign of guilt, committed me after a ſhort examination to Bridewell, having adviſed me, as the only means to ſave my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate.—I now concluded, the vengeance of heaven had over⯑taken me, and that I muſt ſoon finiſh my carreer by an ignominious death.—This reflection ſunk ſo deep into my ſoul, that I was for ſome days deprived of my reaſon, and actually believed my⯑ſelf in hell, tormented by fiends: Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that conjecture; for of all the ſcenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches neareſt the idea I had always entertained of the infernal regions.—Here I ſaw nothing but rage, anguiſh and im⯑piety; and heard nothing but groans, curſes and blaſphemy.—In the midſt of this helliſh crew, I was ſubjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who impoſed upon me taſks that I could not poſſibly perform, and then puniſhed my incapacity with the utmoſt rigour and inhumanity. I was often whipt into a ſwoon, and laſhed out of it, during which miſerable intervals, I was robbed by my [208] fellow-priſoners of every thing about me, even to my cape, ſhoes and ſtockings: I was not only deſtitute of neceſſaries, but even of food, ſo that my wretchedneſs was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my ſituation, would grant me the leaſt ſuccour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft; and my landlord refuſed to part with ſome of my own cloaths which I ſent for, becauſe I was indebted to him for a week's lodging.—Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew deſperate, and reſolved to put an end to my grievances and life together; for this purpoſe I got up in the middle of the night, when I thought every body round me aſleep, and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that ſupported the ſcales on which the hemp is weighed, I ſtood upon a chair and making a nooſe on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myſelf, but before I could adjuſt the knot, I was ſurpriſed and prevented by two women who had been awake all the while, and ſuſpected my deſign.—In the morning my attempt was publiſhed among the priſoners, and puniſhed with thirty ſtripes, the pain of which co-operating with my diſap⯑pointment and diſgrace, bereft me of my ſenſes and threw me into an extaſy of madneſs, where⯑in I tore the fleſh from my bones with my teeth, and daſhed my head againſt the pavement.—So that they were obliged to ſet a watch over me, to reſtrain me from doing further miſchief to myſelf and others.—This fit of phrenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and ſullen; but as the deſire of making away with myſelf ſtill re⯑mained, I came to a determination of ſtarving myſelf to death, and with that view refuſed all ſuſtenance. [209] Whether it was owing to the want of oppoſition, or to the weakneſs of nature, I know not, but on the ſecond day of my faſt, I found my re⯑ſolution conſiderably impaired, and the calls of hunger almoſt inſupportable.—At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the priſon, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; ſhe was then on the ſame footing as I was, but afterwards quarreling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her ſcheme of life, and ſet up a coffee-houſe among the hundreds of Drury, where ſhe entertained gentlemen with claret, ar⯑rack and the choice of half a dozen damſels, who lived in her houſe. This ſerviceable ma⯑tron, having neglected to gratify a certain j—ce for the connivance ſhe enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter ſeſſions, in conſequence of which her bevy was diſperſed and herſelf committed to Bridewell.—She had not been long there, before ſhe learned my diſaſter, and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolance, enquired into the particulars of my fate: While we were en⯑gaged in diſcourſe together, the maſter coming up, told me that the fellow on whoſe account I had ſuffered was taken, that he had confeſſed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the af⯑fair; for which reaſon he, the maſter, had orders to diſcharge me, and that I was from that mo⯑ment free. This piece of news ſoon baniſhed all thoughts of death, and had ſuch an inſtan⯑taneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then preſent) hoping to find her account in me, very generouſly offered to furniſh me with what neceſſaries I wanted, and take me into her own houſe, as ſoon as ſhe could [210] compromiſe matters with the j—ces.—The con⯑ditions of her offer, were, that I ſhould pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a rea⯑ſonable conſideration beſides for the uſe of ſuch cloaths and ornaments as ſhe ſhould ſupply me with, to be deducted from the firſt profits of my embraces.—Theſe were hard terms; but not be rejected by one who was turned out helpleſs and naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or aſſiſt her.—I therefore embraced her propoſal, and ſhe being bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conſcious of having formerly diſ⯑guſted my admirers by my reſerved and haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that diſpoſition, and the ſudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of ſpirits, I appeared in the moſt winning and gay manner I could aſſume. Having the advantage of a good voice and educa⯑tion over moſt of my rivals, I exerted my ta⯑lents to the uttermoſt, and ſoon became the fa⯑vourite with all company.—This ſucceſs alarmed the pride and jealouſy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of being eclipſed: She therefore made a merit of her envy, and whiſpered about among her cuſtomers that I was unſound.—There needed no more to ruin my re⯑putation and blaſt my proſperity; every body ſhunned me with marks of averſion and diſdain, and in a very ſhort time I was as ſolitary as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to ſatisfy my malicious landlady, who having purpoſely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ againſt me, and I was arreſted in her own houſe.—Though the room was crouded with people, when the bailif [211] entered, not one of them had compaſſion enough to attempt to molify my proſecutrix, far leſs to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears, and one of them bid me be of good cheer, for I ſhould not want admirers in Newgate. At that inſtant a ſea lieutenant came in, and ſeeing my plight, began to enquire into the circumſtances of my misfortune, when this wit adviſed him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ſhip.—‘"A fire-ſhip! (replied the ſailor) more like a poor galley in diſtreſs that has been boarded by ſuch a fire-ſhip as you; if ſo be that be the caſe, ſhe ſtands in more need of aſſiſtance.—Harkee, my girl, how far have you over-run the conſtable?"—’I told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, beſides the expence of the writ.—‘"An that be all (ſaid he) you ſhan't go to the bil⯑boes this bout."—’And taking out his purſe, paid the money, diſcharged the bailif, and telling me, I had got into the wrong port, adviſed me to ſeek out a more convenient harbour, where I could be ſafely hove down, for which purpoſe he made me a preſent of five guineas more.—I was ſo touched with this ſingular piece of generoſity, that for ſome time I had not power to thank him.—However, as ſoon as I had recollected myſelf, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my diſaſter, and convinced him of the falſe⯑hood of what was reported to my prejudice ſo effectually, that he from that moment attached himſelf to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to ſea, where he periſhed in a ſtorm.

Having loſt my benefactor, and almoſt con⯑ſumed the remains of his bounty, I ſaw myſelf [212] in danger of relapſing into my former neceſſity, and began to be very uneaſy at the proſpect of bailifs and jails;—when one of the ſiſterhood, a little ſtale, adviſed me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was unknown, and paſs for an heireſs, which might entrap ſome body to be my huſband, who would poſſibly be able to allow me an handſome maintenance, or at wont ſcreen me from the dread and danger of a priſon, by becoming liable for whatever debts I ſhould contract.—I approved of this ſcheme, towards the execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of my maid; with the proviſo, that ſhe ſhould be reimburſed and handſomely conſidered out of the profits of my ſucceſs.—She was imme⯑diately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park-ſtreet, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and my own.—I made my firſt appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with ſilver; and my maid acted her part ſo artfully, that in a day or two, my fame was ſpread all over the neighbourhood, and I was ſaid to be a rich heireſs juſt arrived from the country.—This re⯑port brought a ſwarm of gay young fellows about me; but I ſoon found them out to be all indigent adventurers like myſelf, who crouded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune.—I maintained, however, the appear⯑ance of wealth as long as poſſible, in hopes of gaining ſome admirer more for my purpoſe; and at length, I attracted the regard of one who would have ſatisfied my wiſhes, and managed matters ſo well, that a day was actually fixed for our nuptials: In the interim, he begged leave to [213] introduce an intimate friend to me, which requeſt as I could not refuſe, I had the extreme morti⯑fication and ſurprize, to ſee next night, in that friend, my old keeper Horatio, who no ſooner beheld me than he changed colour; but had pre⯑ſence of mind enough to advance and ſalute me, bidding me (with a low voice) be under no appre⯑henſion, for he would not expoſe me.—In ſpite of this aſſurance, I could not recover myſelf ſo far, as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a ſevere head-ach, to the no ſmall concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tendereſt manner, and went off with his friend.

Having imparted my ſituation to my companion, ſhe found it high time for us to decamp, and that without any noiſe, becauſe we were not only in⯑debted to our landlady, but alſo to ſeveral tradeſmen in the neighbourhood.—Our retreat (therefore) was concerted and executed in this manner: Hav⯑ing packed up all our cloaths and moveables in ſmall parcels, ſhe (on pretence of fetching cor⯑dials for me) carried them at ſeveral times, to the houſe of an acquaintance, where ſhe likewiſe pro⯑cured a lodging, to which we retired, in the middle of the night, opening the ſtreet door, when every other body in the houſe was aſleep.—I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and ac⯑cordingly ſpread my nets among trades people; but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions; till at laſt I became ac⯑quainted with you, on whom I practiſed all my dexterity; not that I believed you had any for⯑tune or expectation of one, but that I might transfer the burthen of ſuch debts as I had incurred or could contract, from myſelf to another, and at the ſame time, avenge myſelf of your ſex, by [214] rendering miſerable, one who bore ſuch reſem⯑blance to the wretch who ruined me;—but hea⯑ven preſerved you from my ſnares, by the diſ⯑covery you made, which was owing to the ne⯑gligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked, when ſhe went to buy ſugar for break⯑faſt.—The perſon in bed with me, was a gentle⯑man whom I had allured the night before, as he walked homeward pretty much elevated with li⯑quor; for by this time, my condition was ſo low, that I was forced to turn out, in the twilight, to the ſtreets in hopes of prey.—When I found my⯑ſelf detected and forſaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging and dwell two pair of ſtairs higher than before: My companion being diſap⯑pointed in her expectations, left me, to trade upon her own bottom, and I had no other reſource, than to venture forth like the owls, in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable ſubſiſtence. I have often ſauntered between Ludgate-hill and Charing-croſs, a whole winter-night, expoſed not only to the inclemency of the weather, but like⯑wiſe to the rage of hunger and thirſt, without being ſo happy as to meet with one cully; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable, draggled condition, ſneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and ſorrows in ſleep.—When I lighted on ſome rake or tradeſman reeling home drunk, I frequently ſuffered the moſt brutal treatment, in ſpite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour, tho' my ſoul was ſtung with reſent⯑ment and diſdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction.—In the courſe of theſe nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the diſeaſe, that in a ſhort time render'd me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, where [215] your benevolence reſcued me from the jaws of death.

So much candour and good ſenſe appeared in this lady's narration, that I made no ſcruple of believing every ſyllable of what ſhe ſaid; and expreſſed my aſtoniſhment at the variety of miſe⯑ries ſhe had undergone, in ſo little time; for all her misfortunes had happened within the compaſs of two years.—I compared her ſituation with my own, and found it a thouſand times more wretch⯑ed: I had endured hardſhips, 'tis true; my whole life had been a ſeries of ſuch, and when I looked forward, the proſpect was not much bettered—but then, they were become habitual to me, and conſequently, I could bear them with leſs difficulty—If one ſcheme of life ſhould not ſucceed, I could have recourſe to another, and ſo to a third, veering about to a thouſand different ſhifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character, beyond a power of re⯑trieving it, or ſubjecting myſelf wholly to the ca⯑price and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, ſhe had known and reliſhed the ſweets of proſperity, ſhe had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which her ſex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of hope, entertained herſelf with the view of uninterrupted happineſs thro' the whole ſcene of life—How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable muſt her re⯑verſe of fortune be! a reverſe, that not only robbs her of theſe external comforts, and plunges her into all the miſeries of want, but alſo murthers her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curſe of eternal infamy!—Of all profeſſions I pro⯑nounced [216] that of a courtezan the moſt deplorable, and her of all courtezans the moſt unhappy.—She allowed my obſervation to be juſt in the main, but at the ſame time, affirmed, that notwithſtand⯑ing the diſgraces which had fallen to her ſhare, ſhe had not been ſo unlucky in the condition of a proſtitute as many others of the ſame community.—‘"I have often ſeen (ſaid ſhe) while I ſtrolled about the ſtreets at mid-night, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, hud⯑dled together like ſwine, in the corner of a dark alley; ſome of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dreſs."—’And indeed the gradation is eaſily conceived; the moſt faſhionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion, as one in a much humbler ſphere; ſhe infects her admirers, her ſituation is publick, ſhe is avoided, neglected, unable to ſupport her uſual appearance, which however ſhe ſtrives to maintain as long as poſſible; her credit fails, ſhe is obliged to retrench and become a night-walker, her malady gains ground, ſhe tampers with her conſtitution and ruins it; her complexion fades, ſhe grows nauſe⯑ous to every body, finds herſelf reduced to a ſtarv⯑ing condition, is tempted to pick pockets, is de⯑tected, committed to Newgate, where ſhe re⯑mains in a miſerable condition, 'till ſhe is diſ⯑charged becauſe the plaintiff appears not to proſe⯑cute her. No body will afford her lodging, the ſymptoms of her diſtemper are grown outrageous, ſhe ſues to be admitted into an hoſpital, where ſhe is cured at the expence of her noſe; ſhe is turned out naked into the ſtreets, depends upon the ad⯑dreſſes of the canaille, is fain to allay the rage of [217] hunger and cold with gin, degenerates into a ſtate of brutal inſenſibility, rots and dies upon a dung⯑hill.—Miſerable wretch that I am! perhaps the ſame horrors are decreed for me!—‘"No (cried ſhe after ſome pauſe) I ſhall never live to ſuch extremity of diſtreſs! my own hand ſhall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!"—’Her condition filled me with ſympathy and compaſſion; I revered her qua⯑lifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal; and attended her with ſuch care and ſuc⯑ceſs, that in leſs than two months, her health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-eſtabliſhed.—As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice; a thouſand different projects were formed, which upon further canvaſſing ap⯑peared impracticable.—We would have gladly gone to ſervice; but who would take us in without recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which ſhe intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the firſt money ſhe ſhould earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to ſome village at a good diſtance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a freſh girl for ſer⯑vice; by which means, ſhe might be provided for in a manner much more ſuitable to her inclination, than her preſent way of life.

CHAP. XXIV.

I Applauded the reſolution of Miſs Williams, who a few days after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had wit⯑neſſed in her behalf at the Marſhalſea; and who ſince that time had got credit with a wine mer⯑chant, whoſe favourite ſhe was, to ſet up a con⯑venient houſe of her own.—Thither my fellow lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me, with a torrent of tears, and a thouſand proteſta⯑tions of eternal gratitude; aſſuring me, ſhe would remain in this new ſituation no longer than till ſhe ſhould pick up money ſufficient to put her other deſign in execution.

As for my own part, I ſaw no reſource but the army or navy, between which I heſitated ſo long, that I found myſelf reduced to a ſtarving con⯑dition.—My ſpirit began to accommodate itſelf to my beggarly fate, and I became ſo mean, as to [219] go down towards Wapping, with an intention to enquire for an old ſchool-fellow of mine, who (I underſtood) had got the command of a ſmall coaſting veſſel, then in the river, and implore his aſſiſtance.—But my deſtiny prevented this ab⯑ject piece of behaviour; for as I croſſed Tower⯑wharf, a ſquat tawny fellow, with a hanger by his ſide, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling, ‘"Yo, ho! brother, you muſt come along with me."—’As I did not like his appearance, inſtead of anſwering his ſalutation, I quickened my pace in hopes of ridding myſelf of his company; which he perceiving, whiſtled a⯑loud, and immediately another ſailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar and began to drag me along.—Not being of a humour to reliſh ſuch treatment, I diſengaged myſelf of the aſſailant, and with one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionleſs on the ground: and perceiv⯑ing myſelf ſurrounded in a trice, by ten or a dozen more, exerted myſelf with ſuch dexterity and ſucceſs, that ſome of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlaſſes; and after an obſtinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on the head, and another on my left cheek, I was diſarmed, taken priſoner, and car⯑ried on board a preſſing tender; where, after be⯑ing pinioned like a malefactor, I was thruſt down into the hold, among a parcel of miſerable wretches, the ſight of whom well nigh diſtracted me.—As the commanding officer had not huma⯑nity enough to order my wounds to be dreſſed, and I could not uſe my own hands, I deſired one of my fellow-captives who was unſettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket and tie it round my head to ſtop the bleeding. He pulled out my [220] handkerchief ('tis true) but inſtead of applying it to the uſe for which I deſigned it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and with aſtoniſhing compoſure, ſold it before my face to a bum-boat⯑womanA bum boat-woman, is one who ſells bread, cheeſe, greens, liquor, and freſh proviſion to the ſailors, in a ſmall boat that lies along-ſide of the ſhip. then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions, regardleſs of my circumſtance and intreaties.

I complained bitterly of this robbery, to the midſhipman on deck, telling him at the ſame time, that unleſs my hurts were dreſſed, I ſhould bleed to death. But compaſſion was a weakneſs of which no man could juſtly accuſe this perſon, who ſquirting a mouthful of diſſolved tobacco upon me, through the gratings, told me, ‘"I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be damned."—’Finding there was no other reme⯑dy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this uſage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter ſeaſon.—In the mean time, loſs of blood, vexation and want of food, contributed, with the noiſome ſtench of the place, to throw me into a ſwoon; out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the noſe, adminiſtred by the tar who ſtood centinel over us, who at the ſame time regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put on board of the Thunder next day, where I would be freed from handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor.—I no ſooner heard him name the Thunder, than I aſked, if he had belonged to that ſhip long; and he giving me to underſtand, he had belonged to her five years, [221] I enquired if he knew lieutenant Bowling?—‘"Know lieutenant Bowling (ſaid he)—odds my life! and that I do;—and a good ſeaman he is, as ever ſtept upon forecaſtle,—and a brave fellow as ever crackt biſket;—none of your Guinea pigs,—nor your freſh-water, wiſhy waſhy, fair-weather fowls.—Many a taught gale of wind has honeſt Tom Bowling and I weathered together.—Here's his health with all my heart, where-ever he is, a-loft or a⯑low—in heaven or in hell—all's one for that—he needs not be aſhamed to ſhew him⯑ſelf."—’I was ſo much affected with this elo⯑gium, that I could not refrain from telling him, I was lieutenant Bowling's kinſman; at which he expreſſed an inclination to ſerve me, and when he was relieved brought ſome cold boiled beef in a platter and biſcuit, on which we ſupped plenti⯑fully, and afterwards drank another can of flip to⯑gether. While we were thus engaged, he re⯑counted a great many exploits of my uncle, who (I found) was very much beloved by the ſhip's company, and pitied for the misfortune that hap⯑pened to him in Hiſpaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not ſo great as I imagined; for captain Oakhum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time, com⯑manded the ſhip. Having by accident, in my pocket my uncle's letter written from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whoſe name was Jack Rattlin) for his peruſal; but honeſt Jack told me frankly, he could not read, and deſired to know the contents, which I immediately com⯑municated: When he heard that part of it, in which, he ſays, he had wrote to his landlord in Deal; he cried, ‘"Body o' me! that was old [222] Ben. Block,—he was dead before the letter came to hand.—Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, lieutenant Bowling would have had no occaſion to ſculk ſo long.—Honeſt Ben was the firſt man that taught him to hand, reef and ſteer.—Well, well, we muſt all die, that's certain,—we muſt all come to port ſooner or later,—at ſea or on ſhore; we muſt be faſt moored one day,—death's like the beſt bower anchor, as the ſaying is, it will bring us all up."—’I could not but ſignify my appro⯑bation of the juſtneſs of Jack's reflections; and enquired into the occaſion of the quarrel between captain Oakhum and my uncle, which he ex⯑plained in this manner.—‘"Captain Oakhum, to be ſure, is a good man enough,—beſides, he's my commander;—but what's that to me!—I do my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's end.—Now the report goes, as how he is a lord's, or baron knight's brother, where⯑by (d'ye ſee me) he carries a ſtrait arm, and keeps a loof from his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in Tuberoon bay, lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always kept a good-look out, he made (d'ye ſee) three lights in the offing, where⯑by he run down to the great cabbin for or⯑ders, and found the captain aſleep;—where⯑upon he waked him, which put him in a main high paſſion, and he ſwore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him louſy Scotch ſon of a whore, (for I being then centinel in the ſteerage, heard all) and ſwab and ſwabbard, whereby the lieutenant returned the ſalute, and they jawed together fore and [223] aft a good ſpell, till at laſt the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he told the captain, that if he was not his commander, he would heave him over-board, and demand⯑ed ſatisfaction a-ſhore, whereby in the morn⯑ing watch, the captain went aſhore in the pin⯑nace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter a-ſhore; and ſo they, leaving the boats crews on their oars, went away together; and ſo (d'ye ſee) in leſs than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and ſo brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in leſs than ſix weeks. But the lieutenant clapt on all the ſail he could bear, and had got far enough a-head before we knew any thing of the matter; ſo that we could never after get ſight of him, for which we were not ſorry, becauſe the cap⯑tain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have done him a miſchief;—for he afterwards cauſed him to be run on the ſhips books, whereby he loſt all his pay, and if he ſhould be taken, would be tried as a deſerter."’

This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had ſubjected me to ſuch a commander. How⯑ever, making a virtue of neceſſity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day was with the other preſſed men put on board of the Thunder lying at the Nore.—When we came along-ſide, the mate who guarded us thither, ordered my hand-cuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the eaſier; which being perceived by ſome [224] of the company who ſtood upon the gangboards to ſee us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was buſied in doing this friendly office for me; ‘"Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us already?"’ Another obſerving my wounds, which ſtill re⯑mained expoſed to the air, told me, my ſeams were uncaulked, and that I muſt be new payed.—A third, ſeeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into diſtinct cords, took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, inſtead of my ſide.—A fourth aſked me, if I could not keep my yards ſquare without iron braces? and in ſhort, a thouſand witticiſms of the ſame nature, were paſſed upon me, before I could get up the ſhip's ſide.—After we had been all entered upon the books, I enquired at one of my ſhip-mates where the ſurgeon was, that I might have my wounds dreſſed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ſhip carried eighty guns) in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the ſame midſhipman who had uſed me ſo barbarouſly in the tender: He ſeeing me free from my chains, aſked, with an inſolent air, who had releaſed me? To this I fooliſhly anſwered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the ſtate of my thoughts; ‘"Whoever did it, I am per⯑ſuaded did not conſult you in the affair."—’I had no ſooner uttered theſe words, than he cried, ‘"D—n you, you ſaucy ſon of a b—ch, I'll teach you to talk ſo to your officer."—’So ſaying, he beſtowed on me ſeveral ſevere ſtripes, with a ſupple Jack he had in his hand; and going to the commanding officer, made ſuch a report of me, that I was immediately put in irons by [225] the maſter at arms, and a centinel placed over me.—Honeſt Rattlin, as ſoon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and adminiſtred all the conſolation he could, and then went to the ſur⯑geon in my behalf, who ſent one of his mates to dreſs my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomſon, with whom I be⯑came acquainted at the Navy-office, as before mentioned. If I knew him at firſt ſight, it was not ſo eaſy for him to recognize me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the miſery I had undergone.—Unknown as I was to him, he ſurveyed me with looks of compaſſion, and hand⯑led my ſores with great tenderneſs. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I aſked him if my misfortunes had diſquiſed me ſo much, that he could not recollect my face? Upon this he obſerved me with great earneſtneſs for ſome time, and at length, proteſted he could not recollect one feature of my coun⯑tenance.—To keep him no longer in ſuſpence, I told him my name; which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and profeſſed his ſor⯑row in ſeeing me in ſuch a diſagreeable ſituation. I made him acquainted with my ſtory, and when he heard how inhumanly I had been uſed in the tender, he left me abruptly, aſſuring me, I ſhould ſee him again ſoon. I had ſcarce time to wonder at his ſudden departure, when the maſter at arms came to the place of my confinement, and bid me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the firſt lieutenant, who com⯑manded the ſhip in the abſence of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in the ten⯑der from my friend the midſhipman, who was preſent to confront me.—I recounted the parti⯑culars [226] of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but ſince my being on board the ſhip, part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great de⯑votion for my oppreſſor, I was diſcharged from confinement to make way for him, who was de⯑livered to the maſter at arms to take his turn in the Bilboes.—And this was not the only ſatisfac⯑tion I enjoyed, for I was, at the requeſt of the ſurgeon, exempted from all other duty, than that of aſſiſting his mates in making and adminiſtring medicines to the ſick.—This good office I owed to the friendſhip of Mr. Thomſon, who had re⯑preſented me in ſuch a favourable light to the ſurgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant, to ſupply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead.—When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thomſon carried me down to the cock⯑pit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the ſurgeon's mates: And when he had ſhewn me their birth (as he called it) I was filled with aſtoniſh⯑ment and horror.—We deſcended by divers ladders to a ſpace as dark as a dungeon, which I underſtood was immerſed ſeveral feet under water, being immediately above the hold: I had no ſooner ap⯑proached this diſmal gulph, than my noſe was ſa⯑luted with an intolerable ſtench of putrified cheeſe, and rancid butter, that iſſued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, reſembling a chandler's ſhop, where, by the faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale meagre countenance, ſitting behind a kind of deſk, having ſpectacles on his noſe, and a pen in his hand.—This (I learned of Mr. Thomſon) was the ſhip's ſteward, who ſat there to diſtribute proviſion to the ſeveral meſſes, and to mark [227] what each received.—He therefore preſented my name to him, and deſired I might be entered in his meſs; then taking a light in his hand, con⯑ducted me to the place of his reſidence, which was a ſquare of about ſix feet, ſurrounded with the medicine cheſt, that of the firſt mate, his own, and a board by way of table faſtened to the mizen-maſt it was alſo encloſed with canvas nailed round to the beams of the ſhip, to ſcreen us from the cold, as well as the view of the mid⯑ſhipmen and quarter-maſters, who lodged within the cable tiers on each ſide of us: In this gloomy manſion, he entertained me with ſome cold ſalt pork, which he brought from a ſort of locker, fixed above the table; and calling for the boy of the meſs, ſent him for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.—By this time I began to recover my ſpirits, which had been exceedingly depreſſed with the appear⯑ance of every thing about me, and could no longer refrain from aſking the particulars of Mr. Thomſon's fortune, ſince I had ſeen him in London.—He told me, that being diſappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to gra⯑tify the rapacious ſ—t—ry at the Navy-office, he found himſelf utterly unable to ſubſiſt any longer in town, and had actually offered his ſer⯑vice, in quality of mate, to the ſurgeon of a merchant's ſhip bound to Guinea on the ſlaving trade; when one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had ſome acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him, that he had ſeen a wa rant made out in his name at the Navy-office, for ſurgeon's ſecond mate of a third rate: This unexpected piece of good news he could ſcarcely believe to be true; more eſpecially, as he had [228] been found qualified at Surgeon's-hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to himſelf, he went thither to be aſſured, and actually found it ſo: Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths adminiſtred immediately.—That very afternoon, he went to Graveſend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-coach for Rocheſter; next morning got on board the Thunder, for which he was appointed, then ly⯑ing in the harbour at Chatham; and the ſame day was muſtered by the clerk of the checque.—And well it was for him, that ſuch expedi⯑tion was uſed; for in leſs then twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thomſon came on board, affirming that he was the perſon for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an impoſtor.—My friend was grievouſly a⯑larmed at this accident; the more ſo, as his nameſake had very much the advantage over him, both in aſſurance and dreſs.—However, to acquit himſelf of the ſuſpicion of impoſture, he pro⯑duced ſeveral letters written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that his indentures were in his box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all preſent, that he had not aſ⯑ſumed a name which did not belong to him.—His competitor enraged, that they ſhould heſitate in doing him juſtice (for to be ſure, the warrant had been deſigned for him) behaved with ſo much indecent heat, that the commanding officer, (who was the ſame gentleman I had ſeen) and the ſurgeon, were offended at his preſumption, and making a point of it with their friends in town, in leſs than a week got the firſt confirmed in his ſtation.—‘"I have been on board (ſaid he) ever ſince, and as [229] this way of life is become familiar to me, have no cauſe to complain of my ſituation.—The ſurgeon is a good-natured indolent man; the firſt mate (who is now on ſhore on duty) is indeed a little proud and cholerick, as all Welchmen are, but in the main, a friendly honeſt fellow.—The lieutenants I have no con⯑cern with; and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a ſurgeon's mate, even by ſight."’

CHAP. XXV.

WHILE he was thus diſcourſing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder, pronounce with great vehemence, in a ſtrange dialect, ‘"The devil and his dam blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I go to him be⯑fore there is ſomething in my belly;—let his noſe be as yellow as a ſaffron, or as plue as a pell (look you) or as green as a leek, 'tis all one."—’To this ſomebody anſwered, ‘"So it ſeems my poor meſs-mate muſt part his cable for want of a little aſſiſtance.—His fore-top-ſail is looſe already; and beſides, the doctor or⯑dered you to overhaul him;—but I ſee, you don't mind what your maſter ſays."—’Here he [230] was interrupted with, ‘"Splutter and vons! you louſy tog, who do you call my maſter? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and my education, and my abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any gentleman's (no diſparagement to him) in the whole world—Got pleſs my ſoul! does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horſe, or an aſs, or a goat, to trudge back⯑wards and forwards, and upwards and down⯑wards, and by ſea and by land, at his will and pleaſures?—Go your ways, you rapſcallion, and tell doctor Atkins, that I deſire and re⯑queſt, that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order ſomething for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will ſee him take it by and by, when my craving ſtomach is ſatisfied, look you."—’At this the other went away, ſay⯑ing, that if they would ſerve him ſo, when he was a dying, by G—d, he'd be foul of them in the other world.—Here Mr. Thomſon let me know that the perſon we heard, was Mr. Mor⯑gan the firſt mate, who was juſt come on board from the hoſpital, where he had been with ſick people.—At the ſame time, I ſaw him come into the birth.—He was a ſhort thick man, with a face garniſhed with pimples, a ſnub noſe turned up at the end, an exceſſive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, ſurrounded with ſkin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles.—My friend immediately made him acquainted with my caſe; when he re⯑garded me with a very lofty look, but without ſpeaking, ſet down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great paſſion, ‘"Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am [231] a chriſtian!"’ Thomſon then gave him to underſtand, that as I had been brought on board half famiſhed, he could do no leſs than enter⯑tain me with what was in the locker; and the rather, as he had bid the ſteward enter me in the meſs.—Whether this diſappointment made Mr. Morgan more peeviſh than uſual, or he really thought himſelf too little regarded by his fellow⯑mate, I know not, but after ſome pauſe, he went on in this manner—‘"Mr. Thomſon, per⯑haps you do not uſe me with all the good manners, and complaiſance, and reſpect (look you) that becomes you, becauſe you have not vouchſafed to adviſe with me in this af⯑fair.—I have, in my time (look you) been a man of ſome weight, and ſubſtance, and conſideration, and have kept houſe and home, and paid ſcot and lot, and the king's taxes; ay, and maintained a family to boot.—And moreover, alſo, I am your ſenior, and your elder, and your petter, Mr. Thomſon."—’ ‘"My elder I'll allow you to be, but not my better (cried Thomſon, with ſome heat.)"—’ ‘"Cot is my ſaviour, and witneſs too (ſaid Mor⯑gan, with great vehemence) that I am more elder, and therefore more petter by many years than you."—’Fearing this diſpute might be at⯑tended with ſome bad conſequence, I interpoſed, and told Mr. Morgan, I was very ſorry for hav⯑ing been the occaſion of any difference between him and the ſecond mate; and that rather than cauſe the leaſt breach in their good underſtanding, I would eat my allowance by myſelf, or ſeek ad⯑miſſion into ſome other company.—But Thomſon, with more ſpirit than diſcretion (as I thought) inſiſted upon my remaining where he had ap⯑pointed [232] me; and obſerved that no man poſſeſſed of generoſity and compaſſion, would have any objection to it, conſidering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late ſo unjuſtly undergone.—This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who proteſted with great earneſt⯑neſs, that he had no objection to my being re⯑ceived in the meſs; but only complained, that the ceremony of aſking his conſent was not ob⯑ſerved. ‘"As for a ſhentleman in diſtreſs (ſaid he, ſhaking me by the hand) I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: For Got help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack."—’And as I afterwards learned, in ſo ſaying he ſpoke no more than what was true; for he had been once ſettled in a very good ſitua⯑tion in Glamorganſhire, and was ruined by being ſecurity for an acquaintance.—All differences being compoſed, he united his bundle, which conſiſted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheſhire-cheeſe wrapt up in a handker⯑chief; and taking ſome biſcuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to a ſhare of the repaſt.—When he had fed heartily on this homely fare, he filled a large cup made of a cocoa-nut-ſhell, with brandy, and drinking it off, told us, ‘"Prandy was the beſt menſtruum for onion and ſheeſe."—’His hunger being ap⯑peaſed, he began to ſhew a great deal of good hu⯑mour; and being inquiſitive about my birth, no ſooner underſtood that I was deſcended of a good family, then he diſcovered a particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedi⯑gree in a direct line from the famous Caractacus king of the Britons, who was firſt the priſoner and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caeſar.— [233] Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linnen, he made me a preſent of two good ruffled ſhirts, which with two of check Mr. Thomſon gave me, enabled me to appear with decency.—Mean while the ſailor, whom Mr. Morgan had ſent to the doctor, brought a pre⯑ſcription for his meſs-mate, which when Mr. Welchman had read, he got up to prepare it, and aſked if the man was "Tead or alive."—‘"Dead! (replied Jack) if he was dead he would have no occaſion for doctor's ſtuff.—No, thank God, death has'n't as yet boarded him, but they have been yard arm and yard arm theſe three glaſſes."—’ ‘"Are his eyes open? (continued the mate.)"—’ ‘"His ſtarboard eye (ſaid the ſailor) is open, but faſt jamm'd in his head; and the haulyards of his under⯑jaw are given way."—’ ‘"Paſſion of my heart! (cried Morgan) the man is as pad as one would deſire in a ſummer's day!—Did you feel his pulſes?’ To this, the other re⯑plied with ‘"Anan?"—’Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earneſtneſs and humanity, or⯑dered the tar to run to his meſs-mate and keep him alive till he ſhould come with the medicine, ‘"and then (ſaid he) you ſhall peradventure, pehold what you ſhall ſee."—’The poor fellow with great ſimplicity ran to the place where the ſick man lay, but in leſs than a minute, returned with a woful countenance, and told us his comrade had ſtruck. Morgan hearing this, exclaimed, ‘"Mercy upon my ſalfation! why did you not ſtop him till I came?"—’ ‘"Stop him (ſaid the other) I hailed him ſeveral times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got poſſeſſion of his cloſe quarters; ſo that he did not mind me."—’ [234] ‘"Well, well, (ſaid he) we all owe heaven a Teath.—Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning, look you, and repent of your miſteets."—’So ſaying, he puſhed the ſeamen out of the birth.

While he entertained us with reflections ſuit⯑able to this event, we heard the boatſwain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our meſs, run to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying, ‘"Scaldings,"’ all the way as he came.—The cloath, conſiſting of a piece of an old ſail, was inſtantly laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour, I could with difficulty diſcern to be metal, and as many ſpoons of the ſame compoſi⯑tion, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other in the lip. Mr. Morgan himſelf enriched this meſs with a lump of ſalt butter, ſcooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions ſhorn, with ſome pounded pepper.—I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this diſh, of which, nevertheleſs, my meſs-mates eat heartily, adviſing me to follow their example, as it was banyan day, and we could have no meat till next noon.—But I had already laid in ſufficient for the occaſion; and therefore deſired to be excuſed; expreſſing a curioſity to know the meaning of banyan day.—They tole me, that on Mondays, Wedneſdays and Fridays, the ſhip's com⯑pany had no allowance of meat, and that theſe meagre days were called banyan days, the reaſon of which they did not know; but I have ſince learned they take their denomination from a ſect of de⯑votees in ſome parts of the Eaſt Indies, who ne⯑ver taſte fleſh.

[235] After dinner, Thomſon led me round the ſhip' ſhewed me the different parts, deſcribed their uſes, and as far as he could, made me acquainted with the particulars of the diſcipline and oecono⯑my practiſed on board.—He then demanded of the boatſwain, an hammock for me, which was ſlung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and as I had no bed-Cloaths, procured credit for me with the purſer, for a matraſs and two blankets.—At ſeven a-clock in the evening, Morgan viſited the ſick, and having ordered what was proper for each, I aſſiſted Thomſon in making up his preſcriptions: But when I followed him with the medicines into the ſick birth or hoſpital, and ob⯑ſerved the ſituation of the patients, I was much leſs ſurpriſed to find people die on board, than aſtoniſhed to find any body recover.—Here I ſaw about fifty miſerable diſtempered wretches, ſuſpended in rows, ſo huddled one upon another, that not more than fourteen inches of ſpace was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of freſh air; breathing no⯑thing but a noiſome atmoſphere of the morbid ſteams exhaling from their own excrements and diſeaſed bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that ſurrounded them, and deſtitute of every convenience neceſſary for people in that helpleſs condition.

CHAP. XXVI.

I Could not comprehend how it was poſſible for the attendants to come near thoſe who hung on the inſide towards the ſides of the ſhip, in order to aſſiſt them, as they ſeemed barrica⯑doed by thoſe who lay on the outſide, and en⯑tirely out of the reach of all viſitation.—Much leſs could I conjecture how my friend Thomſon would be able to adminiſter clyſters, that were ordered for ſome in that ſituation.—When I ſaw him thruſt his wig in his pocket, and ſtrip him⯑ſelf to his waiſtcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours, under the hammocks of the ſick, and forcing up his bare pate between two, kept them aſunder with one ſhoulder, until he had done his duty.—Eager to learn the ſervice, I deſired he would give me leave to perform the next opera⯑tion of that kind; he conſenting, I undreſſed myſelf after his example, and crawling along, the ſhip happened to roll, which alarmed me; [237] I laid hold of the firſt thing that came within my graſp, with ſuch violence, that I overturned it, and ſoon found by the ſmell that iſſued upon me, I had not unlocked a box of the moſt deli⯑cious perfume; it was well for me that my noſtrils was none of the moſt delicate, elſe I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffuſed itſelf all over the ſhip to the ut⯑ter diſcompoſure of every body who tarried on the ſame deck;—neither was the conſequence of this diſgrace confined to my ſenſe of ſmelling only, for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear alto⯑gether diſconcerted in this my coup d'eſſai, I got up, and puſhing my head with great force be⯑tween two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greateſt reſiſtance was, I made an opening in⯑deed, but not underſtanding the knack of dexter⯑ouſly turning my ſhoulder to maintain my advan⯑tage, I had the mortification to find myſelf ſtuck up as it were in a pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on each ſide of my neck, ſo that I was in danger of ſtrangulation.—While I remained in this defenceleſs poſture, one of the ſick men, rendered peeviſh by his diſtemper, was ſo enraged at the ſmell I had oc⯑caſioned, and the rude ſhock he had received from me in my elevation, that with many bitter reproaches, he ſeized me by the noſe, which he tweaked ſo unmercifully that I roared with an⯑guiſh. Thomſon perceiving my condition, or⯑dered one of the waiters to my aſſiſtance, who with much difficulty diſengaged me from this em⯑barras, and hindered me from taking vengeance of the ſick man, whoſe indiſpoſition would not [238] have ſcreened him from the effects of my indig⯑nation.

After having made an end of our miniſtry for that time, we deſcended to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened, with a homely proverb, which I do not chuſe to repeat.—When we had got half way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he ſaw us, having intelli⯑gence by his noſe, of the approach of ſomething extraordinary, cried, ‘"Cot have mercy upon my ſenſes! I pelieve the enemy has poarded us in a ſtink-pot!"’ Then directing his diſcourſe to the ſteward, from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him ſeverely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, threatned to ſmoak him like a padger with ſulphur, if ever he ſhould preſume to offend his neighbours with ſuch ſmells, for the future: The ſteward, conſcious of his own innocence, replied with ſome warmth, ‘"I know of no ſmells but thoſe of your own making."—’This repartee introduced a ſmart dialogue, in which the Welch⯑man undertook to prove, that though the ſtench he complained of, did not flow from the ſteward's own body, he was nevertheleſs the author of it, by ſerving out damaged proviſions to the ſhip's company; and in particular, putrified cheeſe, from the uſe of which only, he affirmed, ſuch unſavoury ſteams could ariſe.—Then he launched cut into praiſes of good cheeſe, of which he gave the analyſis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practiſed to make and preſerve it; and concluded with obſerving, that in yielding good cheeſe, the county of Gla⯑morgan might vie with Cheſhire itſelf, and was much ſuperior to it in the produce of goats and [239] putter.—I gathered from this converſation, that if I went into the birth in my preſent pickle, I ſhould be no welcome gueſt, and therefore de⯑ſired Mr. Thomſon to go before, and repreſent my calamity; at which the firſt mate expreſſing ſome concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable tire, and by the main hatchway, to avoid encountering with me; deſiring me to clean myſelf as ſoon as poſſible, for he intended to regale himſelf with a diſh of ſalmagundy and a pipe.—Accordingly, I ſet about this diſagreeable buſineſs, and ſoon found I had more cauſes of complaint than I at firſt imagined: For I perceived ſome gueſts had honoured me with their company, whoſe viſit I did not at all think ſeaſonable; neither did they ſeem inclined to leave me in a hurry, being in poſſeſſion of my chief quarters, where they fed without reſerve at the expence of my blood.—But conſidering it would be much eaſier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the infancy of their ſettlement, than after they ſhould be multiplied and naturalized to the ſoil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent ſuch misfortunes, went always cloſs ſhaved, and made the boy of our meſs cut off my hair, which had been growing ſince I leſt the ſervice of Lavement. The ſecond mate lent me an old bob wig to ſupply the loſs of that covering. This affair being ended, and every thing ad⯑juſted in the beſt manner my circumſtances would permit, the deſcendant of Caractacus re⯑turned, and ordering the boy to bring a piece of ſalt beef from the brine, cut off a ſlice and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which ſeaſoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and ſalt, he brought it into a conſiſtence [240] with oil and vinegar.—Then taſting the diſh, aſſured us, it was the beſt ſalmagundie, that ever he made, and recommended it to our palate with ſuch heartineſs, that I could not help doing ho⯑nour to his preparation. But I had no ſooner ſwallowed a mouthful, than I thought my entrails were ſcorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of ſmall beer, to allay the heat it occaſioned.—Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having ſmoaked a couple of pipes, and ſupplied the moiſture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to ad⯑moniſh me, that it was high time to repair by ſleep the injury I had ſuffered from want of reſt the preceeding night; which being perceived by my companions, whoſe time of repoſe was by this time arrived, they propoſed we ſhould turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the out⯑ſide of our birth, were immediately unlaſhed, and I beheld each of my meſs-mates ſpring with great agility into his reſpective neſt, where they ſeemed to lie concealed, very much at their eaſe.—But it was ſome time before I could pre⯑vail upon myſelf to truſt my carcaſe at ſuch a diſtance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I ſhould be apt, on the leaſt motion in my ſleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I ſuffered myſelf, however, to be perſuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw myſelf quite over, with ſuch vio⯑lence, that had I not luckily got hold of Thom⯑ſon's hammock, I ſhould have pitched upon my head on the other ſide, and in all likelihood fractured my ſcull.—After ſome fruitleſs efforts, I ſucceeded at laſt; but the apprehenſion of the [241] jeopardy in which I believed myſelf, withſtood all the attacks of ſleep, till towards the morning⯑watch, when in ſpite of my fears, I was over-pow⯑ered with ſlumber: tho' I did not long enjoy this comfortable ſituation; being arrouſed with a noiſe ſo loud and ſhrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burſt by it; this was followed by a dreadful ſummons pronounced by a hoarſe voice, which I could not underſtand. While I was de⯑bating with myſelf whether or not I ſhould wake my companion, and enquire into the occaſion of this diſturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-maſters, who paſſed by me with a lanthorn in his hand, that the noiſe which alarmed me, was occaſioned by the boatſwain's mates who cal⯑led up the larboard watch, and that I muſt lay my account with ſuch interruption every morning at the ſame hour.—Being now more aſſured of of my ſafety, I addreſſed myſelf again to reſt, and ſlept till eight a-clock, when getting up, and breakfaſting with my comrades, on biſcuit and brandy, the ſick were viſited and aſſiſted as be⯑fore; after which my good friend Thomſon ex⯑plained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a ſtranger.—At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the meſs went round all the decks, ringing a ſmall hand-bell, and in rhimes compoſed for the occaſion, inviting all thoſe who had ſores to repair before the maſt, where one of the doctor's mates attended, with applications to dreſs them.

CHAP. XXVII.

WHILE I was buſied with my friend in this practice, the doctor chanced to paſs by the place where we were, and ſtopping to ob⯑ſerve me, appeared very well ſatisfied with my method of application; and afterwards ſent for me to his cabbin, where, having examined me touching my ſkill in ſurgery, and the particulars of my fortune, intereſted himſelf ſo far in my be⯑half, as to promiſe his aſſiſtance in procuring a warrant for me, ſeeing I had been already found qualified at Surgeon's hall, for the ſtation I now filled on board; and this he the more cordially engaged in, when he underſtood I was nephew to lieutenant Bowlin [...] for whom he expreſſed a [243] particular regard.—In the mean time, I could learn from his diſcourſe, that he did not intend to go to ſea again with captain Oakhum, hav⯑ing, as he thought, been indifferently uſed by him during the laſt voyage.

While I lived tollerably eaſy, in expectation of preferment, I was not altogether without morti⯑fications, which I not only ſuffered from the rude inſults of the ſailors, and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly Boy; but alſo from the diſpoſition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often very troubleſome with his pride, which expected a good deal of ſubmiſſion from me, and delighted in re⯑capitulating the favours I had received at his hands.

About ſix weeks after my arrival on board, the ſurgeon bidding me follow him into his cabbin, preſented a warrant to me, by which I was ap⯑pointed ſurgeon's third mate on board the Thun⯑der.—This he had procured by his intereſt at the Navy-office; as alſo another for himſelf, by vir⯑tue of which he was removed into a ſecond rate. I acknowledged his kindneſs in the ſtrongeſt terms my gratitude could ſuggeſt, and profeſſed my ſorrow at the proſpect of loſing ſuch a valu⯑able friend, to whom I hoped to have recom⯑mended myſelf ſtill further, by my reſpectful and diligent behaviour.—But his generoſity reſted not here;—for, before he left the ſhip, he made me a preſent of a cheſt and ſome cloaths, that en⯑abled me to ſupport the rank to which he had raiſed me.—I found my ſpirit revive with my good fortune; and now I was an officer, reſolved to maintain the dignity of my ſtation, againſt all oppoſition or affronts; nor was it long before I [244] had occaſion to exert my reſolution; my old ene⯑my the midſhipman (whoſe name was Crampley) entertaining an implacable animoſity againſt me, for the diſgrace he had ſuffered on my account, had ſince that time taken all opportunities of re⯑viling and ridiculing me, when I was not intitled to retort his bad uſage.—And even after I had been rated on the books, and muſtered as ſurgeon's mate, did not think fit to reſtrain his inſolence.—In particular, being one day preſent, while I dreſſed a wound in a ſailor's leg, he began to ſing a ſong, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore ſignified my reſentment, by obſerving, that the Scots al⯑ways laid their account in finding enemies among the ignorant, inſignificant and malicious.—This unexpected piece of aſſurance enraged him to ſuch a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demoliſhed my cheek⯑bone; I was not ſlow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very ſerious, when by ac⯑cident Mr. Morgan, and one of the maſter's mates, coming that way, interpoſed, and inquiring into the cauſe, endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exaſperated to the uttermoſt, and bent againſt accommodation, they adviſed us, either to leave our difference undecided till we ſhould have an opportunity of terminating it on ſhore, like gentlemen, or elſe chuſe a proper place on board, and bring it to an iſſue by boxing. This laſt expedient was greedily embraced; and being forthwith conducted to the ground propoſed, we ſtript in a moment, and began a very furious conteſt, in which I ſoon found myſelf inferior to my antagoniſt, not ſo much in ſtrength and a⯑gility, as in ſkill, which he had acquired in the [245] ſchool at Hockley in the Hole and Tottenham-Court.—Many croſs-buttocks did I ſuſtain, and pegs on the ſtomach without number, till at laſt, my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour waſted, I grew deſperate, and collecting all my ſpirits in one effort, threw in at once head, hands, and feet with ſuch violence, that I drove my antagoniſt three paces backward into the main hatch-way, down which he fell, and pitching upon his head and right ſhoulder, remained without ſenſe and motion.—Morgan looking down, and ſeeing him lie in that condition, cried, ‘"Upon my conſcience, as I am a Chriſtian ſinner (look you) I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witneſs that there was no treachery in the caſe, and that he has ſuffered by the chance of war."—’So ſaying, he de⯑ſcended to the deck below, to examine into the ſituation of my adverſary; and left me very little pleaſed with my victory, as I found myſelf not only terribly bruiſed, but likewiſe in danger of being called to account for the death of Cramp⯑ley: But this fear vaniſhed when my fellow-mate, having by bleeding him in the juglar, brought him to himſelf, and aſſured himſelf of the ſtate of his body, called up to me, to be under no con⯑cern, for the midſhipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri, as one would deſire to ſee on a ſummer's day.—Upon this information, I crawled down to the cockpit, and acquainted Thomſon with the affair, who, providing himſelf with bandages, &c. ne⯑ceſſary for the occaſion, went up to aſſiſt Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the diſlocation.—When this was ſucceſsfully performed, they wiſhed me joy of the event of the combat; and the [246] Welchman, after obſerving, that in all likelihood, the ancient Scots and Britons were the ſame peo⯑ple, bid me ‘"Praiſe Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and ſtrength in my limbs to ſupport it."—’I acquired ſuch reputation by this recounter (which laſted twenty minutes) that every body became more cautious of his behaviour towards me; though Crampley with his arm in a ſling, talked very high, and threatened to ſeize the firſt opportunity of retrieving on ſhore, the honour he had loſt by an accident, from which I could juſtly claim no merit.

About this time, captain Oakhum, having re⯑ceived ſailing orders, came on board, and brought along with him a ſurgeon of his own country, who ſoon made us ſenſible of the loſs we ſuffered in the departure of doctor Atkins; being groſsly ignorant, and intolerably aſſuming, falſe, vindic⯑tive, and unforgiving; a mercileſs tyrant to his inferiors, an abject ſycophant to thoſe above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our firſt mate, according to cuſtom, went to wait on him with a ſick liſt, which when this grim commander had peruſed, he cried with a ſtern countenance, ‘"Blood and oons! ſixty-one ſick people on board of my ſhip!—Harkee you, ſir, I'll have no ſick in my ſhip, by G—d."’ The Welchman replied, he ſhould be very glad to find no ſick people on board; but while it was otherwiſe, he did no more than his duty in preſenting him with a liſt.—‘"You and your liſt may be d—n'd, (ſaid the captain, throwing it at him) I ſay, there ſhall be no ſick in this ſhip while I have the command of her."—’Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treatment, told him, his indignation ought to be directed [247] to Got Almighty, who viſited his people with diſtempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The Baſhaw not being uſed to ſuch behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this ſatirical in⯑ſinuation, and ſtamping with his foot, called him inſolent ſcoundrel, threatning to have him pi⯑nioned to the deck, if he ſhould preſume to ut⯑ter another ſyllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, diſdained to be reſtricted by ſuch a command, and began to manifeſt itſelf in, ‘"Captain Oakoum, I am a ſhentleman of birth and parentage (look you) and peradven⯑ture, I am moreover—."’ Here his har⯑rangue was broke off by the captain's ſteward, who being Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabbin before he had time to exaſperate his maſter to a greater degree, which would certainly have been the caſe; for the in⯑dignant Welchman, could hardly be hindered by his friend's arguments and intreaties, from re⯑entering the preſence chamber, and defying cap⯑tain Oakhum to his teeth.—He was, however, ap⯑peaſed at length, and came down to the birth, where finding Thomſon and me at work prepar⯑ing medicines, he bid us leave off our lapour and go to play, for the captain, by his ſole word and power and command, had driven ſickneſs a pegging to the tevil, and there was no more ma⯑lady on poard. So ſaying, he drank off a gill of brandy, ſighed grievouſly three times, poured forth an ejaculation of ‘"Got pleſs my heart, liver, and lungs!"’ and then began to ſing a Welch ſong with great earneſtneſs of viſage, voice and geſture.—I could not conceive the meaning of this ſingular phaenomenon, and ſaw by the looks of Thomſon, who at the ſame time, ſhook his head, that he [248] ſuſpected poor Cadwallader's brains were unſettled. He perceiving our amazement, told us, he would explain the myſtery; but at the ſame time, bid us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man and widower, almoſt forty years, and in all that time, there was no man nor mo⯑ther's ſon in the whole world, who durſt uſe him ſo ill as captain Oakhum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that paſſed be⯑tween them, as I have already related it; and had no ſooner finiſhed this narration, than he re⯑ceived a meſſage from the ſurgeon, to bring the ſick-liſt to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed.—This inhuman order ſhocked us extreme⯑ly, as we knew it would be impoſſible to carry ſome of them on the deck, without immi⯑nent danger of their lives; but as we likewiſe knew it would be to no purpoſe for us to remon⯑ſtrate againſt it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to ſee this extraordinary muſter; Morgan obſerving by the way, that the captain was going to ſend to the other world, a great many evidences to teſtify againſt himſelf.—When we appeared upon deck, the captain bid the doctor, who ſtood bowing at his right hand, look at theſe lazy, lubberly ſons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board, but to eat the king's pro⯑viſion, and encourage idleneſs in the ſkulkers.—The ſurgeon grinned approbation, and taking the liſt, began to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed.—The firſt who came under his cognizance, was a poor fellow juſt freed of a fever, which had weakened him ſo much, that he could hardly ſtand.—Mr. Mackſhane (for that was the doctor's name) [249] having felt his pulſe, proteſted he was as well as any man in the world; and the captain delivered him over to the boatſwain's mate, with orders that he ſhould receive a round dozen at the gang⯑way immediately, for counterfeiting himſelf ſick when he was not;—but before the diſcipline could be executed, the man dropt down on the deck, and had well nigh periſhed under the hands of the executioner.—The next patient to be conſidered, laboured under a quartan ague, and being then, in his interval of health, diſcovered no other ſymptoms of diſtemper, than a pale meagre countenance, and emaciated body; upon which, he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatſwain;—but being reſolved to diſ⯑grace the doctor, died upon the forecaſtle next day, during his cold fit.—The third complained of a pleuretic ſtitch, and ſpitting of blood, for which doctor Mackſhane preſcribed exerciſe at the pump to promote expectoration; but whether this was improper for one in his ſituation, or that it was uſed to exceſs, I know not, but in leſs than half an hour, he was ſuffocated with a de⯑luge of blood that iſſued from his lungs.—A fourth, with much difficulty climbed to the quar⯑ter-deck, being loaded with a monſtrous aſcites or dropſy, that invaded his cheſt ſo much, he could ſcarce fetch his breath; but his diſeaſe be⯑ing interpreted into fat, occaſioned by idleneſs and exceſs of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perſpiration and enlarge his cheſt, to go aloft immediately: It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch, to alledge his utter incapacity, the boatſwain's driver was commanded to whip him up with a cat and nine tails: The ſmart of this application made him exert himſelf ſo much, that [250] he actually arrived at the foot-hook-ſhrouds, but when the enormous weight of his body had no⯑thing elſe to ſupport it than his weakened arms, either out of ſpite or neceſſity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into the ſea, where he muſt have been drowned, had not a ſailor who was in a boat along-ſide, ſaved his life, by keeping him a⯑float, till he was hoiſted on board by a tackle—It would be tedious and diſagreeable to deſcribe the fate of every miſerable object that ſuffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and ſurgeon, who ſo wantonly ſacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they ſuffered in the way.—Some gave up the ghoſt in the preſence of their inſpec⯑tors; and others, who were ordered to their du⯑ty, languiſhed a few days at work, among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony.—On the whole, the number of ſick was reduced to leſs than a dozen; and the authors of this re⯑duction were applauding themſelves for the ſer⯑vice they had done to their king and country, when the boatſwain's mate informed his honour, that there was a man below laſhed to his ham⯑mock by the direction of the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard to be releaſed; affirming, he had been ſo maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore to him, and that he was as much in his ſenſes as any man aboard.—The captain hearing this, darted a ſevere look at the Welchman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately: Upon which, Morgan proteſted with great fervency, that the perſon in queſtion was as mad as a March-hare; and begged for the the love of Got, they would at leaſt keep his [251] arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing miſchief.—This requeſt the com⯑mander granted for his own ſake, and the patient was produced, who inſiſted upon his being in his right wits with ſuch calmneſs and ſtrength of ar⯑gument, that every body preſent was inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no truſting to appearances; for he himſelf had been ſo much impoſed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared, he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down and almoſt ſtrangled.—To this the man anſwered, that the witneſs was a creature of Morgan's, and was ſuborned to give his teſtimony againſt him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by diſcovering to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-ſhop in Rag-Fair.—This anecdote produced a laugh at the expence of the Welchman, who ſhaking his head with ſome emotion, ſaid, ‘"Ay, ay, 'tis no matter.—Got knows, 'tis an arrant falſhood."—’Captain Oakhum, without any further heſitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the ſame time, threatening to make Morgan exchange ſituations with him for his ſpite; but the Briton no ſooner heard the deciſion in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizzen-ſhrouds, crying to Thom⯑ſon and me to get out of his reach, for we ſhould ſee him play the tevil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to diſregard this caution, and accord⯑ingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as ſoon as he was releaſed) fly at the [252] captain like a fury, crying, ‘"I'll let you know, you ſcoundrel, that I am commander of this veſſel"—’and pummel him without mercy. The ſurgeon, who went to the aſſiſtance of his patron, ſhared the ſame fate; and it was with the utmoſt difficulty, that he was maſtered at laſt, after having done great execution among thoſe who oppoſed him.

CHAP. XXVIII.

THE captain was carried into his cabbin, ſo enraged with the treatment he had received, that he ordered the ſellow to be brought before him, that he might have the pleaſure of piſtol⯑ing him with his own hand; and would certainly [253] have ſatisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the firſt lieutenant remonſtrated againſt it, by obſerving that in all appearance, the fel⯑low was not mad but deſperate; that he had been hired by ſome enemy of the captain to aſ⯑ſaſſinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would ſift the affair to the bot⯑tom, by which, important diſcoveries might be made, and then ſentence the criminal to a death adequate to his demerits.—This ſuggeſtion, im⯑probable as it was, had the deſired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the me⯑ridian of his intellects; more eſpecially, as doc⯑tor Mackſhane eſpouſed this opinion, in conſe⯑quence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad.—Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help diſcovering by his countenance, the pleaſure he enjoyed on this occaſion; and while he bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation, ventured to aſk him, Whether he thought there were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiſer in containing this ſally, which his patient careful⯑ly laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a more fit ſeaſon.—Mean while we weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the mad⯑man, who was treated as a priſoner, took an op⯑portunity, while the centinel attended him at the head, to leap over-board, and fruſtrate the revenge of the captain.—We ſtaid not long at the downs, but took the benefit of the firſt eaſterly wind to go round to Spithead; where having re⯑ceived on board proviſions for ſix months, we ſailed from St. Helens, in the grand fleet bound [254] for the Weſt-Indies on the ever memorable ex⯑pedition of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification, I ſaw myſelf on the point of being tranſported to ſuch a diſtant and unhealthy climate, deſtitute of every convenience that could render ſuch a voyage ſup⯑portable; and under the dominion of an arbitra⯑ry tyrant, whoſe command was almoſt intolera⯑ble: However, as theſe complaints were common to a great many on board, I reſolved to ſubmit pa⯑tiently to my fate, and contrive to make my⯑ſelf as eaſy as the nature of the caſe would allow.—We got out of the channel with a proſperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the weſtward of the Lizard: But this ſtate of inaction did not laſt long; for next night our main-top-ſail was ſplit by the wind, which in the morning encreaſed to a hur⯑ricane.—I was wakened by a moſt horrible din, occaſioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks above, the creaking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the ſhrouds, the confuſed noiſe of the ſhip's crew, the pipes of the boatſwain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain⯑pumps.—Morgan, who had never been at ſea be⯑fore, turned out in a great hurry, crying, ‘"Got have mercy and compaſſion upon us! I believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the d—ned!"—’while poor Thomſon lay quaking in his hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our ſafety.—I got out of bed and joined the Welchman, with whom (after having fortified ourſelves with brandy) I went above; but if my ſenſe of hearing was ſtartled before, how muſt my ſight be appalled in beholding the [255] effects of the ſtorm? The ſea was ſwelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of which our ſhip ſometimes hung, as if it was about to be precipitated to the abyſs below! Sometimes we ſunk between two waves that roſe on each ſide higher than our topmaſt head, and threatned by daſhing together, to overwhelm us in a mo⯑ment! Of all our fleet, conſiſting of a hundred and fifty ſail, ſcarce twelve appeared, and theſe driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the tem⯑peſt. At length the maſts of one of them gave way, and tumbled over-board with a hideous craſh! Nor was the proſpect in our own ſhip much more agreeable;—a number of officers and ſailors run backward and forward with diſtraction in their looks, hollowing to one another, and unknowing what they ſhould attend to firſt. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the ſails that were ſplit into a thouſand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl thoſe which were yet whole, while the maſts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have ſhivered into innumerable ſplinters!—While I conſidered this ſcene with equal ter⯑ror and aſtoniſhment, one of the main-braces broke, by the ſhock whereof two ſailors were flung from the yard's arm into the ſea, where they periſhed, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the expence of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his aſſiſt⯑ance, and found a ſplinter of the ſhin-bone thruſt by the violence of the fall through the ſkin: As this was a caſe of too great conſequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor, I went down to his cabin, to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dreſſings, which [256] we always kept ready prepared.—I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees, before ſomething that very much reſembled a crucifix; but this I will not inſiſt upon, that I may not ſeem too much a ſlave to common re⯑port, which indeed aſſiſted my conjecture on this occaſion, by repreſenting doctor Mackſhane as a member of the church of Rome.—Be this as it will, he got up in a ſort of confuſion, occaſioned (I ſuppoſe) by his being diſturbed in his devotion, and in a trice, ſnatched the object of my ſuſpicion from my ſight.—After making an apology for my intruſion, I acquainted him with the ſituation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to viſit him on deck where he lay; he bid me deſire the boatſwain to order ſome of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, and in the mean time he would direct Thomſon in getting ready the dreſſings.—When I ſignified to the boatſwain the doctor's deſire, he ſwore a terrible oath, that he could not ſpare one man from the deck, becauſe he expected the maſts would go by the board every minute.—This piece of infor⯑mation did not at all contribute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the aſſiſtance of Morgan, I ſupported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackſhane, after much intreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thomſon with a boxful of dreſſings, and his own ſervant, who carried a whole ſet of capital inſtruments.—He examined the fracture and the wound, and concluding from a livid colour extending itſelf upon the limb, that a mortification would enſue, reſolved to amputate the leg immediately.—This was a dreadful ſen⯑tence [257] to the patient, who recruiting himſelf with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance, ‘"What! is there no remedy, doctor? muſt I be dock'd? can't you ſplice it?"—’ ‘"Aſſuredly, doctor Mackſhane (ſaid the firſt mate) with ſubmiſſion, and deference, and veneration to your ſuperior abilities, and opportunities, and ſtations (look you) I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that there is no occaſion nor neceſſity to ſmite off this poor man's leg."—’ ‘"God almighty bleſs you, dear Welchman! (cried Rattlin) may you have fair wind and weather whereſoever you're bound, and come to an anchor in the road of heaven at laſt."—’Mackſhane, very much in⯑cenſed at his mate's differing in opinion from him ſo openly, anſwered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tour⯑niquet.—At the ſight of which, Jack ſtarting up, cried, ‘"Avaſt, avaſt! d—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore!—Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand towards ſaving of my precious limb? Odd's heart, if lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not ſuffer Jack Rattlin's leg to be be chopped off like a piece of old junk."—’This pathetic addreſs to me, joined to my incli⯑nation to ſerve my honeſt friend, and the reaſons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myſelf of the firſt mate's opinion, and affirm that the pre⯑ternatural colour of the ſkin, was owing to an inflammation occaſioned by a contuſion, and com⯑mon in all ſuch caſes, without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a [258] great opinion of my ſkill, manifeſtly exulted in my fellowſhip, and aſked Thomſon's ſentiments of the matter, in hopes of ſtrengthening our aſſo⯑ciation with him too; but he being of a meek diſpoſition, and either dreading the enmity of the ſurgeon, or ſpeaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a modeſt manner, eſpouſed the opinion of Mackſhane, who by this time, having conſulted with himſelf, determined to act in ſuch a manner, as to ſcreen himſelf from cenſure; and at the ſame time revenge himſelf on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him.—With this view, he demanded to know if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril; that is, be anſwerable for the conſequence.—To this Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of Got alone; and it would be great preſump⯑tion in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his maker, no more than the doc⯑tor could promiſe to cure all the ſick to whom he adminiſtered his aſſiſtance; but if the patient would put himſelf under our direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his diſtemper to a ſa⯑vourable iſſue, to which, at preſent, we ſaw no obſtruction.—I ſignified my concurrence; and Rattlin was ſo over-joyed, that ſhaking us both by the hands, he ſwore no body elſe ſhould touch him, and if he died, his blood ſhould be upon his own head.—Mr. Mackſhane, flattering him⯑ſelf with the proſpect of our miſcarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we ſhould think proper; accordingly, having ſawed off part of the ſplinter that ſtuck through the ſkin, we re⯑duced the fracture, dreſſed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, ſecundum artem.—Every thing ſucceeded ac⯑cording [259] to our wiſh, and we had the ſatisfaction, of not only preſerving the poor fellow's leg, but likewiſe of rendering the doctor contemptible a⯑mong the ſhip's company, who had all their eyes on us during the courſe of this cure, which was compleated in ſix weeks.

CHAP. XXIX.

IN the mean time, the ſtorm ſubſided into a briſk gale, that carried us into the warm lati⯑tudes, where the weather became intolerable and the crew very ſickly.—The doctor left nothing [260] unattempted towards the completion of his ven⯑geance againſt the Welchman and me. He went among the ſick under pretence of enquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but finding himſelf fruſtrated in that expectation, by the good-will we had procured from the patients by our dili⯑gence and humanity, he took the reſolution of liſtening to our converſation, by hiding himſelf behind the canvas that ſurrounded our birth; here too he was detected by the boy of our meſs, who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large bone of ſalt-beef, Morgan diſcerned ſomething ſtir againſt our hangings, which immediately in⯑terpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could evident⯑ly perceive ſome body ſtanding; upon which, I ſnatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, ſaying, ‘"Whoever you are, take that for your curioſity."—’It had the deſired effect, for we heard the liſtener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabbin.—I ap⯑plauded myſelf much for this feat, which turned out one of the moſt unlucky exploits of my life, Mackſhane from that night marking me out for deſtruction.—About a week thereafter, as I was going my rounds among the ſick, I was taken pri⯑ſoner, and carried to the poop by the maſter at arms, where I was loaded with irons, and ſtapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a ſpy on board, and had conſpired againſt the captain's life.—How ridiculous ſoever this imputation was, I did not fail to ſuffer by it all the rigour that could be ſhewn to the worſt of criminals, being expoſed in this miſerable condition to the ſcorch⯑ing [261] heat of the ſun by day, and the unwholeſome damps by night, during the ſpace of twelve days, in which time I was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability of my charge.—I had no ſooner recovered the uſe of my reflec⯑tion, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I ſent for Thomſon, who, after condoling with me on the occaſion, hinted to me, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given in an information againſt me to the captain, in conſequence of which I was arreſted, and all my papers ſeized.—While I was curſing my capricious fate, I ſaw Morgan aſcend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him ſit down by me, that he might be pinioned in the ſame machine.—Notwithſtanding my ſi⯑tuation, I could ſcarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow priſoner, who, without ſpeaking one word, allowed his ſeet to be incloſed in the rings provided for that purpoſe; but when they pretended to faſten him on his back, he grew outragious, and drawing a large cuteau from his ſide-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the firſt man who ſhould approach him, in order to treat him in ſuch an unworthy manner.—They were preparing to uſe him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter⯑deck, called up to them to let him remain as he was.—He then crept towards me, and taking me by the hand, bid me ‘"put my truſt in Got."—’And looking at Thomſon, who ſat by us trembling, with a pale viſage, told him, there were two more rings for his feet, and he ſhould be glad to find him in ſuch good company.—But it was not the intention of our adverſary to include the ſecond mate in our fate: Him he ex⯑cepted [262] to be his drudge in attending the ſick, and if poſſible, his evidence againſt us: With this view he ſounded him afar off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, he harraſſed him ſo much out of ſpite, that in a ſhort time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow-priſoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the admiral diſ⯑covered four ſail of ſhips to leeward, and made ſignal for our ſhip and four more to chace: Here⯑upon, every thing was cleared for an engagement, and Mackſhane foreſeeing he would have occa⯑ſion for more aſſiſtants than one, obtained Mor⯑gan's liberty; while I was left in this deplorable poſture to the chance of battle.—It was almoſt dark when we came up with the ſternmoſt chace, which we hailed, and enquired who they were; they gave us to underſtand they were French men of war, upon which captain Oakhum com⯑manded them to ſend their boat on board of him; but they refuſed, telling him, if he had any buſineſs with them, to come on board of their ſhip: He then threatned to pour in a broad-ſide upon them, which they promiſed to return.—Both ſides were as good as their word, and the engagement began with great fury.—The reader may gueſs how I paſſed my time, lying in this helpleſs ſituation, amidſt the terrors of a ſea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut aſunder or daſhed in pieces by the enemy's ſhot! I en⯑deavoured to compoſe myſelf as much as poſſible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more expoſed than thoſe who were ſtationed about me; but when I beheld them employed without inter⯑miſſion, in annoying the foe, and encouraged by the ſociety and behaviour of one another, I [263] could eaſily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine: However, I concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of Marines, who ſtood near me, be⯑ing ſhot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well-nigh blinded with brains.—I could contain myſelf no longer, but began to bellow with all the ſtrength of my lungs; when a drummer coming towards me, aſked if I was wounded; and before I could anſwer, re⯑ceived a great ſhot in his belly which tore out his intrails, and he fell flat on my breaſt.—This acci⯑dent entirely bereft me of all diſcretion: I re⯑doubled my cries, which were drowned in the noiſe of the battle; and finding myſelf diſregard⯑ed, loſt all patience and became frantick; vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my ſpirits being quite exhauſted, I remained quiet and in⯑ſenſible of the load that oppreſſed me.—The en⯑gagement laſted till broad day, when captain Oakhum, finding he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be undeceived by ſeeing their colours; and hail⯑ing the ſhip with whom he had fought all night, proteſted he believed them Spaniards, and the guns being ſilenced on each ſide, ordered the barge to be hoiſted out, and went on board of the French commodore.—Our loſs amounted to ten killed and eighteen wounded, moſt part of whom afterwards died.—My fellow-mates had no ſooner diſpatched their buſineſs in the cockpit, than full of friendly concern, they came to viſit me.—Morgan aſcending firſt, and ſeeing my face almoſt covered with brains and blood, con⯑cluded I was no longer a man for this world; and calling to Thomſon with great emotion, bid him [264] come up and take his laſt farewel of his comrade and countryman, who was poſting to a petter place, where there were no Mackſhanes nor Oak⯑hums to aſperſe and torment him.—‘"No (ſaid he, taking me by the hand) you are going to a country where there is more reſpect ſhewn to unfortunate ſhentlemen, and where you will have the ſatisfaction of peholding your adver⯑ſaries toſſing upon pillows of purning prim⯑ſtone."—’Thomſon alarmed at this apoſtrophe, made haſte to the place where I lay, and ſitting down by me, with tears in his eyes, enquired into the nature of my calamity.—By this time I had recollected myſelf ſo far as to be able to converſe rationally with my friends, whom, to their great ſatisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehenſion of my being mortally wounded.—After I had got myſelf diſ⯑engaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreſhment which my friends brought along with them, we entered into diſ⯑courſe upon the hardſhips we ſuſtained, and ſpoke very freely of the authors of our miſery; which being over-heard by the centinel who guarded me, he was no ſooner relieved, than he reported to the captain every ſyllable of our converſation, according to the orders he had received: The ef⯑fects of this ſoon appeared in the arrival of the maſter at arms, who replaced Morgan in his former ſtation; and gave the ſecond mate a caution to keep a ſtrict guard over his tongue, if he did not chuſe to accompany us in our confinement.—Thomſon foreſeeing that the whole ſlavery of at⯑tending and dreſſing the ſick and wounded, muſt now fall upon his ſhoulders, as well as the ill uſage of Mackſhane, grew deſperate at the pro⯑ſpect, [265] and though I never heard him ſwear be⯑fore, imprecated dreadful curſes on the heads of his oppreſſors, declaring, that he would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under the power of ſuch barbarians.—I was not a little ſtartled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alle⯑viate his complaints, by repreſenting the ſubject of my own, with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which compariſon he might ſee the balance of misfortune lay on my ſide, and take an example from me of fortitude and ſubmiſſion, till ſuch time as we could procure redreſs, which (I hoped) was not far off, con⯑ſidering, that we ſhould probably be in a har⯑bour in leſs than three days, where we ſhould have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral.—The Welchman joined in my re⯑monſtrances, and was at great pains to demon⯑ſtrate, that it was every man's duty as well as intereſt to reſign himſelf to the divine will, and look upon himſelf as a centinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his poſt before he is relieved.—Thomſon liſtened attentively to what we ſaid, and at laſt, ſhedding a flood of tears, ſhook his head, and left us, without mak⯑ing any reply.—About eleven at night, he came to ſee us again, with a ſettled gloom on his coun⯑tenance, and gave us to underſtand, that he had undergone exceſſive toil ſince he ſaw us, and in recompence, had been groſly abuſed by the doc⯑tor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a deſign of taking away his life and that of the captain. After ſome time ſpent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and ſqueezing me by the hand with an uncommon fervour, cried, ‘"God bleſs you both,"’ and left us to wonder at his [266] ſingular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make an impreſſion on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of viſitation [...]ame round, this unhappy young man was a miſ⯑ſing, and after ſtrick ſearch, ſuppoſed to have gone over-board in the night; which was certain⯑ly the caſe.

CHAP. XXX.

THE news of this event affected my fellow-priſoner and me extremely, as our unfor⯑tunate companion had juſtly acquired by his ami⯑able diſpoſition, the love and eſteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occaſion of it.—This aban⯑doned miſcreant did not diſcover the leaſt ſymp⯑tom of concern for Thomſon's death, although he muſt be conſcious to himſelf, of having driven him by ill uſage to that fatal reſolution; but de⯑ſired the captain to ſet Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was ſent up to unfetter him; when he proteſted he would not be releaſed until he ſhould know for what he was confined; nor [267] would he be a tennis-ball, nor a ſhittle-cock, nor a trudge, nor a ſcullion to any captain under the ſun.—Oakhum finding him obſtinate, and fear⯑ing it would not be in his power to exerciſe his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to ſhew ſome appearance of juſtice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him, on the quarter-deck, where he ſat in ſtate, with his clerk on one ſide, and his counſellor Mackſhane on the other.—When we approached, he ho⯑noured us with this ſalutation: ‘"So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but d—n my blood, I have too much good nature, in allowing ſuch dogs as you to make your defence."—’ ‘"Captain Oaghum, (ſaid my fellow-ſufferer) certainly it is in your power (Got help the while) to tuck us all up at your will, and deſire, and pleaſures.—And perhaps it would be petter for ſome of us to be tucked up, than undergo the miſeries to which we have been expoſed.—So may the farmer hang his kids for his diverſion, and a⯑muſement, and mirth; but there is ſuch a thing as juſtice, if not upon earth, ſurely in heaven, that will puniſh with fire and primſtone all thoſe who take away the lives of innocent people out of wantonneſs and parparity (look you.)—In the mean time, I ſhall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and ſee the perſon who accuſes me."—’ ‘"That you ſhall (ſaid the captain) here doctor, what have you to ſay?"—’Mackſhane ſtepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order to clear his [268] throat, and before he began, Morgan accoſted him thus: ‘"Doctor Mackſhane, look in my face—look in the face of an honeſt man, who abhorrs a falſe-witneſs as he abhorrs the tevil, and Got be judge between you and me."—’The doctor not minding this conjuration, made the following ſpeech, as near as I can remem⯑ber:—‘"I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be ſure what you ſay is juſt, in regard to an honeſt man; and if ſo be it appears as how you are an honeſt man, then it is my opinion, that you deſerve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, captain Oak⯑hum is reſolved for to do every body juſtice.—As for my own part, all that I have to alledge, is that I have been informed, you have ſpoken diſreſpectful words againſt your captain, who to be ſure, is the moſt honourable and gene⯑rous commander in the king's ſervice, without aſparagement or acceptation of man, woman or child."—’Having uttered this elegant har⯑rangue, on which he ſeemed to plume himſelf, Morgan replied, ‘"I do partly gueſs, and con⯑ceive, and underſtand your meaning, which I wiſh could be more explicite: But however, I do ſuppoſe, I am not to be condemned upon bare hear-ſay; or if I am convicted of ſpeak⯑ing diſreſpectfully of captain Oakhum, I hope there is no treaſon in my words."—’ ‘"But there's mutiny, by G—d, and that's death by the articles of war (cried Oakhum.)—In the mean time, let the witneſſes be called."—’Hereupon Mackſhane's ſervant appeared, and the boy of our meſs, whom they had ſeduced and tu⯑tored for the purpoſe.—The firſt declared, that Morgan, as he deſcended the cockpit ladder, [269] one day, curſed the captain and called him a ſa⯑vage beaſt, ſaying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind.—‘"This (ſaid the clerk) is a ſtrong preſumption of a deſign formed againſt the captain's life.—For why? It preſuppoſes malice afore-thought, and a cri⯑minal intention a priori."—’ ‘"Right (ſaid the captain to this miſerable grub, who had been an attorney's boy) you ſhall have law enough, here's Cook and Littlejohn for it."’ This evi⯑dence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the firſt mate ſay, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the ſurgeon had no more brains than an aſs.—Then the centinel who heard our diſcourſe on the poop was exa⯑mined, and informed the court that the Welch⯑man aſſured me, that captain Oakhum and doctor Mackſhane would toſs upon billows of burning brimſtone in hell for their barbarity.—The clerk obſerved, that here was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former ſuſpicion of a con⯑ſpiracy againſt the life of captain Oakhum; for, becauſe, how could Morgan ſo poſitively pro⯑nounce that the captain and ſurgeon would be damned, unleſs he had intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent?—This ſage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, ‘"What have you to ſay to this, Taffy? you ſeem to be taken all a-back, brother, hah!"—’Mor⯑gan was too much of a gentleman to diſown the text, although he abſolutely denied the truth of the comment: Upon which the captain, ſtrut⯑ting up to him, with a ferocious countenance, ſaid, ‘"So, Mr. Son-of-a-b—ch, you confeſs you honoured me with the names of bear and [270] beaſt, and pronounced my damnation! D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you brought to a court-martial and hanged, you dog."—’Here Mackſhane having occaſion for an aſſiſtant, interpoſed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his wonted goodneſs, upon condition that he the delinquent ſhould make ſuch ſubmiſſion as the nature of his miſdemeanour demanded.—Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occaſion, would have made no ſubmiſſion to the Great Mogul, ſurrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknow⯑ledged himſelf in the wrong for having called the image of Got, a beaſt, ‘"but (ſaid he) I ſpoke by metaphor, and parable, and compariſon, and types; as we ſignify meekneſs by a lamb, letchery by a goat, and craftineſs by a fox; ſo we liken ignorance to an aſs, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tyger;—therefore I made theſe ſimilies to expreſs my ſentiments (look you) and what I ſaid, before Got, I will not unſay before man nor peaſt neither."—’Oakhum was ſo provoked at this inſolence (as he termed it) that he ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his clerk to proceed in the examination of me.—The firſt queſtion put to me, was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland. ‘"The north of Ireland more liker (cried the cap⯑tain) but we ſhall bring you up preſently."—’He then aſked what religion I profeſſed; and when I anſwered, ‘"The proteſtant,"’ ſwore I was as arrant a Roman as ever went to maſs.—‘"Come, come, clerk (continued he) catechiſe him a little on this ſubject."—’But before I re⯑late the particulars of the clerk's enquiries, it will [271] not be amiſs to inform the reader that our com⯑mander himſelf was an Hibernian, and, if not ſhrewdly belied, a Roman Catholick to boot.—‘"You ſay you are a proteſtant (ſaid the clerk) make the ſign of the croſs with your fingers, ſo, and ſwear upon it, to that affirmation."—’When I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain cried with ſome emotion, ‘"No, no, damme! I'll have no profanation neither.—But go on with your interrogations."—’ ‘"Well then (proceeded my examiner) how many ſacraments are there?"—’To which I replied, ‘"Two."—’ ‘"What are they? (ſaid he.)"’ I anſwered, ‘"Baptiſm and the Lord's Supper."—’ ‘"And ſo you would explode confirmation and marriage altogether? (ſaid Oakhum) I thought this fellow was a rank Roman."—’The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not relrain from bluſhing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by obſerving, that theſe decoys would not do with me who ſeemed to be an old offender.—He went on, with aſking if I believed in tranſubſtantiation; but I treated the notion of the real preſence with ſuch diſreſpect that his patron was ſcandalized at my impiety, and com⯑manded him to proceed to the plot.—Whereupon this miſerable pettifogger told me, there was great reaſon to ſuſpect me of being a ſpy on board; and that I had entered into a conſpiracy with Thomſon and others not yet detected, againſt the life of captain Oakhum.—To ſupport which ac⯑cuſation, they adduced the teſtimony of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceaſed Thomſon and me whiſpering together, and could diſtinguiſh the words, ‘"Oakhum, raſcal, poiſon, piſtol,"’ by which it appeared, we did intend [272] to uſe ſiniſter means to accompliſh his deſtruction. That the death of Thomſon ſeemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the ſtings of remorſe, for being engaged in ſuch a horrid con⯑federacy, or fearing a diſcovery, by which he muſt have infallibly ſuffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own exiſtence.—But what eſtabliſhed the truth of the whole, was a book in cypher found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his cheſt, after his diſ⯑appearance: This, he obſerved, was a preſump⯑tion very near proof poſitive, and would deter⯑mine any jury in chriſtendom to find me guilty.—In my own defence, I alledged that I had been dragged on board at firſt very much againſt my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of ſome people now in the ſhip; conſequently could have no deſign of becoming ſpy at that time; and ever ſince had been entirely out of the reach of any correſpondence that could juſtly intail that ſuſpicion upon me;—and as for conſpiring a⯑gainſt my captain's life, it could not be ſuppoſed that any man in his right wits would harbour the leaſt thought of ſuch an undertaking, which he could not poſſibly perform without certain infamy and ruin to himſelf, even if he had all the incli⯑nation in the world.—That allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which I affirmed was falſe and malicious) nothing concluſive could be gathered from a few incoherent words: Neither was the fate of Mr. Thomſon a circumſtance more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket, a letter which too well explained that myſtery, in a very different manner from that which was ſup⯑poſed: With theſe words I produced the follow⯑ing letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to me the [273] very day after Thomſon diſappeared; and told me it was committed to his care by the deceaſed, who made him promiſe not to deliver it ſooner. The clerk taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were theſe:

This letter was no ſooner read, than Mack⯑ſhane, in a tranſport of rage, ſnatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thouſand pieces, ſaying, it was a villainous forgery, con⯑trived and executed by myſelf.—The captain and clerk declared themſelves of the ſame opinion, [274] notwithſtanding I inſiſted on having the remains of it compared to other writings of Thomſon, which they had in poſſeſſion; and I was ordered to anſwer the laſt article of my accuſation, name⯑ly, the book of cyphers found among my papers.—‘"That is eaſily done (ſaid I.) What you are pleaſed to call cyphers, are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amuſe⯑ment, I kept a diary of every thing remarka⯑ble that has occurred to my obſervation ſince the beginning of the voyage, till the day on which I was put in irons; and the ſame me⯑thod, was practiſed by Mr. Thomſon who copied mine."—’ ‘"A very likely ſtory! (cried Mackſhane) what occaſion was there for uſing Greek characters, if you were not afraid of diſcovering what you had wrote?—but, what d'ye talk of Greek characters?—D'ye think I am ſo ignorant of the Greek language, as not to diſtinguiſh its letters from theſe, which are no more Greek than Chineſe? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country."’ So ſaying, with an unparalleled effronterie, he repeated ſome gibberiſh, which by the ſound ſeemed to be Iriſh, and made it paſs for Greek with the captain, who looking at me with a contemptible ſneer, exclaimed, ‘"Ah ha! have you caught a tartar?"’ I could not help ſmiling at the conſummate aſſurance of this Hiber⯑nian, and offered to refer the diſpute to any body on board, who underſtood the Greek alphabet: Upon which Morgan was brought back, and be⯑ing made acquainted with the affair, took the book and read a whole page in Engliſh, with⯑out heſitation, deciding the controverſy in my [275] favour.—The doctor was ſo far from being out of countenance at this, that he affirmed Morgan was in the ſecret, and repeated from his own in⯑vention.—Oakhum ſaid, ‘"Ay, ay, I ſee they are both in a ſtory,"’ and diſmiſſed my fellow⯑mate to his cock-loft, although I propoſed that he and I ſhould read and tranſlate ſeparately, any chapter or verſe in the Greek-teſtament in his poſſeſſion, by which it would appear whether we or the ſurgeon ſpoke truth.—Not being en⯑dued with eloquence enough to convince the captain that there could be no juggle nor confe⯑deracy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by ſome unconcerned perſon on board, who un⯑derſtood Greek: Accordingly the whole ſhip's company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, that if any of them could ſpeak Greek, he or they ſo qualified, ſhould aſcend the quarter-deck immediately.—After ſome pauſe two fore-maſt-men came up and profeſſed their ſkill in that language, which (they ſaid) they acquired during ſeveral voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the ſame degree of ignorance, but pretended to ſpeak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and addreſſing himſelf to me, pronounced ſome ſentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not underſtand.—I aſſerted that the modern Greek was as different from that ſpoke and written by the ancients, as the Engliſh uſed now from the old Saxon ſpoke in the time of Hengiſt; and as I had only learned the true original tongue, in [276] which Homer, Pindar, the evangeliſts and other Great men of antiquity wrote, it could not be ſuppoſed that I ſhould know any thing of an imperfect Gothic dialect that roſe on the ruins of the former, and ſcarce retained any traces of the old expreſſion.—But if doctor Mackſhane, who pretended to be maſter of the Greek language, could maintain a converſation with theſe ſeamen, I would retract what I had ſaid, and be content to ſuffer any puniſhment he ſhould think proper to inflict.—I had no ſooner uttered theſe words, than the ſurgeon knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accoſted him in Iriſh, and was anſwered in the ſame brogue; then a dialogue enſued between them, which they affirmed to be Greek, after having ſecured the ſe⯑crecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea from his companion, be⯑fore they would venture to aſſert ſuch an intrepid falſhood.—‘"I thought (ſaid Oakhum) we ſhould diſcover the impoſture at laſt,—Let the raſcal be carried back to his confinement.—I find he muſt dangle."—’Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a court ſo preju⯑diced with ſpite, and fortified with ignorance againſt truth, I ſuffered myſelf to be recon⯑ducted peaceably to my fellow-priſoner, who hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan; and not daring to diſburthen his thoughts to me by ſpeech, leſt he might be overheard by the centinel, burſt forth into a Welch ſong, which he accompanied with a thouſand contor⯑tions of face and violent geſtures of body.

CHAP. XXXI.

MEAN while, a quarrel happening be⯑tween the two modern Greeks, the one to be revenged of the other, came and diſcovered to us the myſtery of Mackſhane's dia⯑logue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was ſenſible that (now we were in ſight of Ja⯑maica) we ſhould have an opportunity of clear⯑ing ourſelves before a court-martial, and at the ſame time, of making his malice and ignorance conſpicuous, he interceeded for us with the cap⯑tain ſo effectually, that in a few hours we were ſet at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty.—This was a happy event for me, my whole body being bliſtered by the ſun, and my limbs benumbed for want of motion: But I could not perſuade the Welchman to accept of this in⯑dulgence, [278] he perſiſting in his obſtinacy to remain in irons until he ſhould be diſcharged by a court⯑martial, which he believed would alſo do him juſtice on his enemies; at length, I repreſented to him the precarious iſſue of a trial, the power and intereſt of his adverſaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his reſent⯑ment with his own hands upon Mackſhane after our return to England: This laſt argument had more weight with him than all the reſt, and pre⯑vailed upon him to repair with me to the cock⯑pit, which I no ſooner entered, than the idea of my departed friend preſented itſelf to my re⯑membrance, and filled my eyes with tears.—We diſcharged from our meſs the boy who had acted ſo perfidiouſly, notwithſtanding his tears, in⯑treaties, and profeſſions of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confeſſed that the ſurgeon had bribed him to give evidence a⯑gainſt us, with a pair of ſtockings and a couple of old check ſhirts, which his ſervant had ſince plundered him of.

The keys of our cheſts and lockers being ſent to us by the doctor, we detained the meſſenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate finding all his Cheſhire cheeſe con⯑ſumed to a cruſt, his brandy exhauſted, and his onions gone, was ſeized with a fit of choler, which he diſcharged on Mackſhane's man in oaths and execrations, threatning to proſecute him as a thief.—The fellow ſwore in his turn that he never had the keys in his poſſeſſion till that time, when he received them from his maſter, with orders to deliver them to us.—‘"As Got is my judge (cried Morgan) and my ſalfation, and my witneſs, whoſoever has pilfered my proviſions, [279] is a louſy, beggarly, raſcally knave! and by the ſoul of my grandſire! I will impeach, and accuſe, and indict him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is."—’Had this happened at ſea where we could not repair the loſs, in all probability, this deſcendant of Cadwallader would have loſt his wits entirely: but when I obſerved, how eaſy it would be to make up for this paultry misfortune, he became more calm, and recon⯑ciled himſelf to the occaſion.—A little while after, the ſurgeon came into the birth, under pretence of taking ſomething out of the medicine-cheſt, and with a ſmiling aſpect, wiſhed us joy of our deliverance, which (he ſaid) he had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very juſtly incenſed at our behaviour; but he (the doctor) had paſſed his word for our conduct in time to come, and he hoped we ſhould give him no cauſe to repent of his kindneſs.—He expected (no doubt) an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of ſervice, as well as a general amneſty of what was paſt; but he had to do with people who were not quite ſo apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our ca⯑lamity was occaſioned by his malice; I therefore ſat ſilent while my companion anſwered, ‘"Ay, ay, 'tis no matter—Got knows the heart—there is a time for all things, as the wiſe man ſaith, there is a time for throwing away ſtones, and a time to gather them up again."—’He ſeemed to be diſconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering ſomething about ‘"In⯑gratitude"’ and ‘"Fellows,"’ which we did not think fit to take any notice of.

[280] Our fleet having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a month in the harbour of Port-Royal in Jamaica, during which time ſomething of conſequence was certainly tranſacted, notwithſtanding the inſinuations of ſome who af⯑firmed we had no buſineſs at all in that place—that in order to take the advantage of the ſeaſon proper for our enterprize, the Weſt-Indian ſqua⯑dron, which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the weſt end of Hi⯑ſpaniola with neceſſary ſtores and refreſhments, from whence we could have ſailed directly to Carthagena, before the enemy could put them⯑ſelves in a good poſture of defence, or indeed have an inkling of our deſign. Be this as it will, we ſailed from Jamaica, and in ten days or a fortnight, beat up againſt the wind as far as the iſle of Vache, with an intention, as was ſaid, to attack the French fleet, then ſuppoſed to be lying near that place; but before we arrived they had ſailed for Europe, having firſt diſpatched an advice-boat to Carthagena with an account of our being in theſe ſeas, as alſo of our ſtrength and deſtination.—We loitered here ſome days longer, taking in wood, and brackiſh water, in the uſe whereof, however, our admiral ſeemed to conſult the health of the men, by reſtricting each to a quart a day.—At length we ſet ſail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Cartha⯑gena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our eaſe ten days longer.—Here again, certain malicious people take occaſion to blame the con⯑duct of their ſuperiors, by ſaying, this was not only throwing away time, which was very preci⯑ous conſidering the approach of the rainy ſeaſon, but alſo giving the Spaniards time to recollect [281] themſelves, and recover from the conſternation they were thrown into at the approach of an Engliſh fleet, at leaſt three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would aſcribe this delay to the ge⯑neroſity of our chiefs, who ſcorned to take any advantage that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At laſt, however, we weighed, and anchored again ſomewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, where we made ſhift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in deſpite of the ene⯑my's ſhot, which knocked a good many of them on the head.—This piece of conduct in chuſing a camp under the walls of an enemy's fortifica⯑tion, which I believe never happened before, was practiſed, I preſume, with a view of accuſ⯑toming the ſoldiers to ſtand fire, who were not as yet much uſed to diſcipline, moſt of them hav⯑ing been taken from the plough-tail a few months before.—This again has furniſhed matter for cen⯑ſure againſt the Miniſtry, for ſending a few raw recruits on ſuch an important enterprize, while ſo many veteran regiments lay inactive at home: But ſurely our governours had their reaſons for ſo doing, which poſſibly may be diſcloſed with o⯑ther ſecrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to riſk their beſt troops on ſuch deſperate ſervice; or, may be the colonels and field officers of the old corps, who, generally ſpeaking, enjoyed their com⯑miſſions as ſine-cures or penſions, for ſome do⯑meſtick ſervices tendered to the court, refuſed to embark in ſuch a dangerous and precarious under⯑taking; for which, no doubt, they are to be much commended.

CHAP. XXXII.

OUR forces being landed and ſtationed as I have already mentioned, ſet about erecting a faſchine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy, and in ſomething more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as poſſible, it was determined in a council of war, that five of our largeſt ſhips ſhould attack the fort on one ſide, while the battery plyed it on the other, ſtrength⯑ened with two mortars, and twenty-four co⯑horns.

Accordingly, the ſignal for our ſhip to engage, among others, was hoiſted, we being advertiſed the night before, to make every thing clear for that purpoſe: and in ſo doing, a difference hap⯑pened between captain Oakhum and his well-be⯑loved couſin and counſellor Mackſhane, which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture.—The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy's ſhot in the [283] cockpit than in the center of the earth, was lately informed that a ſurgeon's mate had been killed in that place, by a cannon-ball from two ſmall forts, that were deſtroyed before the diſembarkation of our ſoldiers; and therefore inſiſted upon having a platform raiſed for the convenience of the ſick and wounded, in the after-hold, where he deemed himſelf more ſecure than on the deck above.—The captain, offended at this extraordinary propoſal, accuſed him of puſilanimity, and told him there was no room in the hold for ſuch an occaſion; or if there was, he could not expect to be in⯑dulged more than the reſt of the ſurgeons of the navy, who uſed the cockpit for that purpoſe: Fear rendering Mackſhane obſtinate, he perſiſted in his demand, and ſhewed his inſtructions, by which it was authoriſed: The captain ſwore theſe inſtructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at ſea; but was obliged to comply, and ſent for the carpenter to give him orders about it: But before any ſuch meaſure could be taken, our ſignal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to truſt his carcaſe in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were buſy in put⯑ting our inſtruments and dreſſings in order.

Our ſhip, with the others deſtined for this ſer⯑vice, immediately weighed, and in leſs than half an hour came to an anchor before the caſtle of Bocca Chica, with a ſpring upon our cable.—The cannonading (which indeed was terrible!) began. The ſurgeon, after having croſſed himſelf, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purſer, who were ſtationed with us, in quality of aſ⯑ſiſtants, followed his example, while the Welch⯑man and I ſat upon a cheſt looking at one ano⯑ther with great diſcompoſure, ſcarce able to re⯑frain [284] from the like proſtration.—And that the rea⯑der may know, it was not a common occaſion that alarmed us thus, I muſt inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that aſtoniſhed us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from Bocca Chica mount⯑ing eighty-four great guns, beſide a mortar and ſmall arms; from fort St. Joſeph, mounting thirty-ſix; from two faſchine batteries, mounting twenty; and from four men of war, mounting ſixty-four guns each.—This was anſwered by us, from our land battery, mounting twenty-one cannon; our bomb battery, mounting two mor⯑tars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five men of war, two of eighty, and three of ſeventy guns, which fired without intermiſſion.—We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the ſailors brought another on his back to the cockpit, where he toſſed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without ſpeaking a word; Morgan immediately examined the condition of the wounded man, and cried, ‘"As I ſhall an⯑ſwer now, the man is as tead as my great⯑grandfather."—’ ‘"Dead (ſaid his comrade) he may be dead now, for ought I know, but I'll be d—mn'd if he was not alive when I took him up."—’So ſaying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I bid him carry the body a⯑long with him and throw it over-board.—‘"D—n the body! (ſaid he) I think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own."—’My fellow-mate ſnatching up the amputation knife, purſued him half-way up the cockpit ladder, cry⯑ing, ‘"You louſy raſcal, is this the church-yard, or the charnel-houſe, or the ſepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ſhip?"—’ but was ſtopt in his [285] carreer by one calling, ‘"Yo ho, avaſt there—ſcaldings."—’ ‘"Scaldings! (anſwered Morgan) Got knows 'tis hot enough indeed:—who are you?"—’ ‘"Here's one (replied the voice.")’ and I immediately knew it to be that of my honeſt friend Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be dock'd at laſt, and diſcovered the remains of one hand which had been ſhattered to pieces with grape ſhot.—I lamented with unfeigned ſor⯑row his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, obſerving, that every ſhot had its commiſſion: It was well it did not take him in the head; or if it had, what then? he ſhould have died bravely, fighting for his king and country: Death was a debt which every man owed, and muſt pay now as well as ano⯑ther time.—I was much pleaſed and edified with the maxims of this ſea-philoſopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without ſhrink⯑ing; the operation being performed (at his re⯑queſt) by me, after Mackſhane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there was a neceſſity for his loſing the limb.—While I was employed in dreſſing the ſtump, I aſked Jack's opinion of the battle, who ſhaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we ſhould do no good; ‘"For why, becauſe inſtead of dropping anchor cloſe under ſhore, where we ſhould have had to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and expoſed ourſelves to the whole fire of the enemy from their ſhipping and fort St. Joſeph, as well as from the caſtle we intended to ca⯑nonade; that beſides, we lay at too great a diſtance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of our ſhot did not take place; for [286] there was ſcarce any body on board, who un⯑derſtood the pointing of a gun.—Ah! God help us! (continued he) if your kinſman lieu⯑tenant Bowling had been here, we ſhould have had other-gueſs-work."—’By this time our pa⯑tients had increaſed to ſuch a degree, that we did not know which to begin with; and the firſt mate plainly told the ſurgeon, that if he did not get up immediately, and perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his warrant.—This ef⯑fectually rouſed Mackſhane, who was never [...]eaf to an argument in which he thought his intereſt was concerned; he therefore roſe up, and in order to ſtrengthen his reſolution, had recourſe more than once to a caſe-bottle of rum which he freely communicated to the chaplain and purſer, who had as much need of ſuch extraordinary inſpira⯑tion as himſelf: Being thus ſupported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy.—The fumes of the liquor mount⯑ing into the parſon's brain, conſpired with his former agitation of ſpirits, to make him quite de⯑lirious; he ſtript himſelf to the ſkin, and be⯑ſmearing his body with blood, could ſcarce be with-held from running upon deck in that con⯑dition. Jack Rattlin, ſcandalized at this deport⯑ment, endeavoured to allay his tranſports with rea⯑ſon; but finding all he ſaid ineffectual, and great confuſion occaſioned by his frolicks, he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in that ſtate of humiliation.—But it was not in the power of rum to elevate the purſer, who ſat on the floor wringing his hands, and curſing the hour in which he left his peaceable profeſſion of a brewer in Rocheſter, to engage in [287] ſuch a life of terror and diſquiet.—While we di⯑verted ourſelves at the expence of this poor devil, a ſhot happened to take us between wind and water, and its courſe being through the purſer's ſtore-room, made a terrible havock and noiſe a⯑mong the jars and bottles in its way, and diſcon⯑certed Mackſhane ſo much, that he dropt his ſcalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noſter aloud; the purſer fell backward and lay without ſenſe or motion; and the chaplain grew ſo outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand, could not keep him under; ſo that we were o⯑bliged to confine him in the ſurgeon's cabbin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thouſand ex⯑travagancies.—Much about this time, my old an⯑tagoniſt Crampley came down, with expreſs or⯑ders (as he ſaid) to bring me up to the quarter⯑deck, to dreſs a ſlight wound the captain had re⯑ceived by a ſplinter. His reaſon for honouring me in particular with this piece of ſervice, being that in caſe I ſhould be killed or diſabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be of leſs conſequence to the ſhip's company, than that of the doctor or his firſt mate.—At another time, perhaps, I might have diſputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the leaſt regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was reſolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he, to ex⯑poſe myſelf to danger.—With this view, I pro⯑vided myſelf with dreſſings, and followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a moſt infernal ſcene of ſlaughter, fire, ſmoak, and up⯑roar! Captain Oakhum, who leaned againſt the mizen maſt, no ſooner [...] me approach in my ſhirt, with the ſleeves t [...]ed up to my arm-pits, [288] and my hands dyed with blood, than he ſignified his diſpleaſure by a frown, and aſked why the doctor himſelf did not come? I told him Crampley had ſingled me out, as if by his expreſs command; at which he ſeemed ſurprized, and threatened to puniſh the midſhipman for his preſumption, after the engagement: In the mean time, I was ſent back to my ſtation, and ordered to tell Mackſhane, that the captain expected him immediately.—I got ſafe back and delivered up my commiſſion to the doctor, who flatly refuſed to quit the poſt aſſigned to him by his inſtructions. Hereupon, Morgan, who (I believe) was jealous of my reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and aſcended with great intrepidity.—The captain finding the ſurgeon obſtinate, ſuf⯑fered himſelf to be dreſſed, and ſwore he would confine Mackſhane as ſoon as that ſervice ſhould be over.

CHAP. XXXIII.

HAVING cannonaded the fort, during the ſpace of four hours, we were all ordered to ſlip our cables, and ſheer off; but next day the engagement was renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the ene⯑my's fire from Bocca Chica ſlackened, and to⯑wards evening was quite ſilenced.—A breach be⯑ing made on the other ſide, by our land-battery, large enough to admit a middle ſized baboon, [290] provided he could find means to climb up to it; our general propoſed to give the aſſault that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that duty: Providence ſtood our friend upon this occaſion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by reſolute men, to the day of judgment againſt all the force we could exert in the attack.—And while our ſoldiers took poſſeſſion of the enemy's ram⯑parts, without reſiſtance, the ſame good luck at⯑tended a body of ſailors, who made themſelves maſters of fort St. Joſeph, the faſchine batteries, and one Spaniſh man of war; the other three being burnt or ſunk by the foe, that they might not fall into our hands.—The taking of theſe forts, in the ſtrength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided, made us maſters of the outward harbour, and occaſioned great joy among us; as we laid our accounts with finding little or no op⯑poſition from the town: And indeed, if a few great ſhips had ſailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confuſion and deſpair that our unexpected ſucceſs had produced among them, it is not impoſſible that we might have finiſhed the affair to our ſatisfaction, without any more blood-ſhed: but this our Heroes diſdained, as a barbarous inſult over the enemy's diſtreſs; and gave them all the reſpite they could deſire, in order to recollect themſelves.—In the mean time, Mackſhane taking the advantage of this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cauſe ſo effectually, that he was re-eſta⯑bliſhed in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me, during the action.—But of all the [291] conſequences of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of freſh water, after we had languiſhed five weeks on the allowance of a pur⯑ſer's quart per diem for each man, in the Torrid Zone, where the ſun was vertical, and the ex⯑pence of bodily fluid ſo great, that a gallon of liquor could ſcarce ſupply the waſte of twenty⯑four hours; eſpecially, as our proviſion conſiſted of putrid ſalt beef, to which the ſailors gave the name of Iriſh horſe; ſalt pork of New England, which though neither fiſh nor fleſh, ſavoured of both; bread from the ſame country, every biſcuit whereof, like a piece of clock work, moved by its own internal impulſe, occaſioned by the my⯑riads of inſects that dwelt within it; and butter ſerved out by the gill, that taſted like train-oil thickened with ſalt. Inſtead of ſmall-beer, each man was allowed three half quarterns of brandy or rum, which was diſtributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his water, without either ſugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which reaſon this compoſition, was by the ſailors not unaptly ſtiled Neceſſity. Nor was this limitation of ſimple element owing to a ſcarcity of it on board, there being at this time water enough in the ſhip for a voyage of ſix months, at the rate of half a gallon per day to each man: But this faſt muſt (I ſuppoſe) have been injoined by way of pennance on the ſhip's company for their ſins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more reſolute and regard⯑leſs of danger. How ſimply then do thoſe peo⯑ple argue, who aſcribe the great mortality among us, to our bad proviſion and want of water; [292] and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been ſaved, if the uſeleſs tranſports had been employed in fetching freſh ſtock, turtle, fruit, and other refreſhments, from Jamaica and other adjacent iſlands, for the uſe of the army and fleet! ſeeing, it is to be hoped, that thoſe who died went to a better place, and thoſe who ſur⯑vived were the more eaſily maintained.—After all, a ſufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country maſtifs, which ſhut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads cruſhed for their valour.

But to return to my narration: After having put garriſons into the forts we had taken, and re-imbarked our ſoldiers and artillery, which de⯑tained us more than a week, we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one ſide, and a ſmall re⯑doubt on the other, both of which were deſerted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by ſeveral old galleons that the enemy had ſunk in the channel.—We made ſhift, however, to open a paſſage for ſome ſhips of war, that favoured the ſecond landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint reſiſtance from a body of Spaniards, who oppoſed their diſembarka⯑tion, they encamped with a deſign of beſieging the caſtle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city: Whether our renowned general had no body in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he truſted in⯑tirely to the fame of his arms, I ſhall not deter⯑mine; but certain it is, a reſolution was taken in [293] a council of war, to attack the place with muſ⯑quetry only, which was put in execution, and ſucceeded accordingly; the enemy giving them ſuch an hearty reception, that the greateſt part of the detachment took up their everlaſting re⯑ſidence on the ſpot.—Our chief not reliſhing this kind of complaiſance in the Spaniards, was wiſe enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight thouſand able men landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for ſervice.—The ſick and wounded were ſqueezed into certain veſſels, which thence obtained the name of hoſ⯑pital ſhips, though methinks they ſcarce deſerved ſuch a creditable title, ſeeing none of them could boaſt of either ſurgeon, nurſe or cook; and the ſpace between decks was ſo confined, that the miſerable patients had not room to ſit upright in their beds. Their wounds and ſtumps being ne⯑glected, contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amid the cor⯑ruption of their ſores. This inhuman diſregard was imputed to the ſcarcity of ſurgeons; though it is well known, that every great ſhip in the fleet could have ſpared one at leaſt for this duty, which would have been more than ſufficient to remove this ſhocking inconvenience: But, per⯑haps, the general was too much of a gentleman to aſk a favour of this kind from his fellow-chief, who on the other hand, would not derogate ſo far from his own dignity, as to offer ſuch aſſiſtance unaſked; for I may venture to affirm, that by this time, the Daemon of diſcord with her ſooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our coun⯑ſels; and it might be ſaid of theſe great men, [294] (I hope they will pardon the compariſon) as of Caeſar and Pompey, the one could not brook a ſuperior, and the other was impatient of an e⯑qual: So that between the pride of one, and inſolence of another, the enterprize miſcarried, according to the proverb, ‘"Between two ſtools the backſide falls to the ground."—’Not that I would be thought to liken any publick concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, al⯑though I might with truth aſſert, if I durſt uſe ſuch a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang an a—ſe at its diſappointment on this occaſion; nei⯑ther would I preſume to compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any ſuch wooden conveni⯑ence as a joint-ſtool or a cloſe-ſtool; but only ſignify by this ſimile, the miſtake the people com⯑mitted in truſting to the union of two inſtruments that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the Spaniſh men of war we had taken, to be mounted with ſixteen guns, and manned with detachments from our great ſhips, in order to batter the town; accord⯑ingly, ſhe was towed into the inner harbour in the night-time, and moored within half a mile of the walls, againſt which ſhe began to fire at day⯑break; and continued about four hours expoſed to the oppoſition of at leaſt forty pieces of can⯑non, which at length obliged our men to ſet her on fire, and get off as well as they could, in their boats.—This piece of conduct afforded mat⯑ter of ſpeculation to all the wits, either in the army or the navy, who were at laſt fain to ac⯑knowledge it a ſtroke of policy above their com⯑prehenſion.—Some entertained ſuch an irreve⯑rent [295] opinion of the admiral's underſtanding, as to think he expected the town would ſurrender to his floating battery of ſixteen guns: Others imagined his ſole intention was to try the ene⯑my's ſtrength, by which he would be able to compute the number of great ſhips that would be neceſſary to bring the Spaniards to a capitula⯑tion: But this laſt conjecture ſoon appeared groundleſs, in as much as no ſhips of any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that ſer⯑vice.—A third ſort ſwore, that no other cauſe could be aſſigned for this undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the wind⯑mill. A fourth claſs (and that the moſt nume⯑rous, though without doubt, compoſed of the ſanguine and malicious) plainly taxed this com⯑mander with want of honeſty as well as ſenſe; and alledged that he ought to have ſacrificed pri⯑vate pique to the intereſt of his country; that where the lives of ſo many brave fellow citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, without being ſollicited or even de⯑ſired, towards their preſervation and advantage; that if his arguments could not diſſuade him from a deſperate enterprize, it was his duty to render it as practicable as poſſible, without running ex⯑treme hazard; that this could have been done, with a good proſpect of ſucceſs, by ordering five or ſix large ſhips to batter the town while the land forces ſtormed the caſtle, by this means, a conſiderable diverſion would have been made in favour of thoſe troops, who in their march to the aſſault and in the retreat, ſuffered much more from the town than from the caſtle; that the in⯑habitants ſeeing themſelves vigorouſly attacked on [296] all hands, would have been divided, diſtracted and confuſed, and in all probability, unable to reſiſt the aſſailants.—But all theſe ſuggeſtions ſurely proceed from ignorance and malevolence, or elſe the admiral would not have found it ſuch an eaſy mat⯑ter, at his return to England, to juſtify his conduct to a miniſtry at once ſo upright and diſcerning.—True it is, that thoſe who undertook to vindicate him on the ſpot, aſſerted, there was not water enough for our great ſhips near the town; tho' this was a little unfortunately urged, becauſe there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the ſoundings of the har⯑bour, who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty gun ſhips to lye a-breaſt in, almoſt up at the very walls.—The diſappointments we ſuf⯑fered, occaſioned an univerſal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the pro⯑ſpect of what muſt inevitably happen, if we re⯑mained much longer in this place.—Such was the oeconomy in ſome ſhips, that, rather than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their comman⯑ders ordered their men to throw the bodies over⯑board, many withouteither ballaſt or winding-ſheet; ſo that numbers of human carcaſſes floated in the harbour, until they were devoured by ſharks and carrion crows; which afforded no agreeable ſpec⯑tacle to thoſe who ſurvived.—At the ſame time the wet ſeaſon began, during which, a deluge of rain falls from the riſing to the ſetting of the ſun, without intermiſſion; and that no ſooner ceaſes, than it begins to thunder and lighten with ſuch continual flaſhing, that one can ſee to read a very ſmall print by the illumination.

CHAP. XXXIV.

THE change of the atmoſphere, occaſioned by this phoenomenon, conſpired with the ſtench that ſurrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own conſtitutions impoveriſhed by bad pro⯑viſion, and our deſpair, to introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with ſuch violence that three fourths of thoſe whom it invaded, died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their ſkin, being by the extreme putrefaction of their juices, changed into that of ſoot.

Our conductors finding things in this ſituation, perceived it was high time to relinquiſh our con⯑queſts, which we did, after having rendered their [298] artillery uſeleſs and blown up their walls with gun-powder.—Juſt as we ſailed from Bocca Chica on our return to Jamaica, I found myſelf threa⯑tened with the ſymptoms of this terrible diſtemper; and knowing very well that I ſtood no chance for my life, if I ſhould be obliged to lie in the cockpit, which by this time, was grown intolerable even to people in health, by reaſon of the heat and unwholſome ſmell of decayed proviſion; I wrote a petition to the captain repreſenting my caſe, and humbly imploring his permiſſion to lie among the ſoldiers in the middle-deck, for the benefit of the air: But I might have ſpared myſelf the trouble; for this humane commander refuſed my requeſt, and ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the ſurgeon's mates, or elſe be contented to lie in the hoſpital, which, by the bye, was three degrees more offenſive and more ſuffocating than our own birth below.—Another in my condition, perhaps, would have ſubmitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of periſhing ſo pitifully, after I had weathered ſo many gales of hard for⯑tune: I therefore, without minding Oakhum's injunction, prevailed upon the ſoldiers (whoſe good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated myſelf upon my comfortable ſituation, which Crampley no ſooner underſtood, than he ſignified to the captain, my contempt of his orders; and was inveſted with power to turn me down again into my proper habitation.—This barbarous piece of revenge, incenſed me ſo much againſt the author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a ſevere account, if ever it ſhould be in [299] my power; and the agitation of my ſpirits in⯑creaſed my fever to a violent degree.—While I lay gaſping for breath in this infernal abode, I was viſited by a ſerjeant, the bones of whoſe noſe I had reduced and ſet to rights, after they had been demoliſhed by a ſplinter during our laſt en⯑gagement: He being informed of my condition, offered me the uſe of his birth in the middle⯑deck, which was incloſed with canvas and well⯑aired by a port-hole that remained open within it.—I embraced this propoſal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illneſs laſted, with the utmoſt tenderneſs and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for himſelf than a hen⯑coop, during the whole paſſage—Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithſtanding of which, my malady gained ground, and at length my life was deſpaired of, though I never loſt hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to ſee, from my cabbin window, ſix or ſeven thrown over-board every day, who died of the ſame diſ⯑temper. This confidence, I am perſuaded, con⯑duced a good deal to the preſervation of my life, eſpecially, when joined to another reſolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuſe all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the diſeaſe, and inſtead of reſiſting putrefaction, pro⯑moted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid.—When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphore⯑tic boluſes, I put them in my mouth, 'tis true, but without any intention of ſwallowing them; and when he went away, ſpit them out, and waſhed my mouth with water-gruel: I ſeemingly com⯑plied in this manner, that I might not affront the [300] blood of Caractacus, by a refuſal which might have intimated a diffidence of his phyſical capa⯑city; for he acted as my phyſician; doctor Mac⯑ſhane never once enquiring about me, or even knowing where I was.—When my diſtemper was at the height, Morgan thought my caſe deſ⯑perate, and after having applied a bliſter to the nape of my neck, ſqueezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, recommend my⯑ſelf to Got and my reteemer; then taking his leave, deſired the chaplain to come and admini⯑ſter ſome ſpiritual conſolation to me; but before he arrived, I had made ſhift to rid myſelf of the troubleſome application the Welchman had be⯑ſtowed on my back.—The parſon having felt my pulſe, enquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: ‘"Mr. Ran⯑dom, God out of his infinite mercy hath been pleaſed to viſit you with a dreadful diſtemper, the iſſue of which no man knows.—You may be permitted to recover, and live many days on the face of the earth: and, which is more probable, you may be taken away and cut off in the flower of your youth: It is incumbent on you, there⯑fore, to prepare for the great change, by repent⯑ing ſincerely of your ſins; of this there cannot be a greater ſign, than an ingen'ous confeſſion, which I conjure you to make, without heſita⯑ton or mental reſervation; and when I am convinced of your ſincerity, I will then give you ſuch comfort as the ſituation of your ſoul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberleſs tranſgreſſions, to which youth is ſubject, as ſwearing, drunkenneſs, whoredom, and adultery; tell me therefore, with⯑out [301] reſerve, the particulars of each, eſpecially of the laſt, that I may be acquainted with the true ſtate of your conſcience: For no phyſician will preſcribe for his patient until he knows the circumſtances of his diſeaſe."’ As I was not under any apprehenſions of death, I could not help ſmiling at the doctor's inquiſitive remon⯑ſtrance, which I told him ſavoured more of the Roman than of the Proteſtant church, in recom⯑mending auricular confeſſion, a thing, in my opi⯑nion, not at all neceſſary to ſalvation, and which, for that reaſon, I declined.—This reply diſcon⯑certed him a little; however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned diſtinctions be⯑tween what was abſolutely neceſſary, and what was only convenient; then proceeded to aſk what religion I profeſſed: I anſwered, that I had not as yet conſidered the difference of religions, con⯑ſequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a Preſbyterian.—At this word the chaplain diſcovered great aſtoniſhment, and ſaid, he could not comprehend how a Preſ⯑byterian was entitled to any poſt under the En⯑gliſh government.—Then he aſked if I had ever received the Sacrament, or taken the oaths; to which I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, aſſured me he could do me no ſervice, wiſhed I might not be in a ſtate of reprobation; and returned to his meſs-mates, who were mak⯑ing merry in the ward-room, round a table well ſtored with bumboBumbo is a liquor compoſed of rum, ſugar, wa⯑ter and nutmeg. and wine.—This inſinua⯑tion, terrible as it was, had not ſuch an effect upon me, as the fever, which, ſoon after he had [302] left me, grew outragious; I began to ſee ſtrange chimeras, and concluded myſelf on the point of becoming delirious: But before that happened, was in great danger of ſuffocation, upon which I ſtarted up in a kind of frantic fit, with an in⯑tention to plunge myſelf into the ſea, and as my friend the ſerjeant was not preſent, would certain⯑ly have cooled myſelf to ſome purpoſe, had I not perceived a moiſture upon my thigh, as I endea⯑voured to get out of my hammock: The ap⯑pearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and reſolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable ſymptom, by tearing the ſhirt from my body and the ſheets from my bed, and wrapping myſelf in a thick blanket, in which incloſure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was recompenſed for my ſuffering by a profuſe ſweat, that burſting from the whole ſurface of my ſkin, in leſs than two hours, re⯑lieved me from all my complaints, except that of weakneſs; and left me as hungry as a kite.—I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myſelf with the agreeable reverie of my fu⯑ture happineſs, when I heard Morgan, on the outſide of the curtain, aſk the ſerjeant, if I was ſtill alive? ‘"Alive! (cried the other) God forbid he ſhould be otherwiſe! he has lain quiet theſe five hours, and I do not chuſe to diſturb him, for ſleep will do him great ſervice."—’ ‘"Ay, (ſaid my fellow-mate) he ſleeps ſo ſound, (look you) that he will never waken till the great trump plows.—Got be merciful to his ſoul.—He has paid his debt, like an honeſt man.—Ay, and moreover, he is at reſt from all perſecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of [303] which, Got knows, and I know, he had his own ſhare.—Ochree! Ochree! he was a pro⯑miſing youth indeed!"—’So ſaying, he groan⯑ed grievouſly, and began to whine in ſuch a man⯑ner, as perſuaded me he had a real friendſhip for me.—The ſerjeant, alarmed at his words, came into the birth, and while he looked upon me, I ſmiled, and tipt him the wink; he immediately gueſſed my meaning, and remained ſilent, which confirmed Morgan in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he approached with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a ſight of the object: And I counterfeited death ſo well, by fixing my eyes, and droping my under-jaw, that he ſaid, ‘"There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Got help me."’ And obſerved by the diſtortion of my face, that I muſt have had a ſtrong ſtruggle. I ſhould not have been able to contain myſelf much longer, when he began to perform the laſt duty of a friend, in cloſing my eyes and my mouth; upon which, I ſudden⯑ly ſnapped at his fingers, and diſcompoſed him ſo much, that he ſtarted back, turned pale as aſhes, and ſtared like the picture of horror! Although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his ſituation, and ſtretched out my hand, telling him, I hoped to live and eat ſome ſalmagundy of his making in England.—It was ſome time before he could recollect himſelf ſo far as to feel my pulſe, and enquire into the par⯑ticulars of my diſeaſe: But when he found I had enjoyed a favourable criſis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune; not failing to aſcribe it, under Got, to the bliſter he had applied to my back, at his laſt viſit; which, by the bye, ſaid [304] he, muſt now be removed and dreſſed: He was actually going to fetch dreſſings, when I feign⯑ing aſtoniſhment, ſaid, ‘"Bleſs me! ſure you never applied a bliſter to me—there is nothing on my back, I aſſure you."—’Of this he could not be convinced till he had examined, and then endeavoured to conceal his confuſion, by expreſ⯑ſing his ſurprize in finding the ſkin untouched, and the plaiſter miſſing.—In order to excuſe my⯑ſelf for paying ſo little regard to his preſcription, I pretended to have been inſenſible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards, in a fit of delirium. This apology ſatisfied my friend, who on this occaſion abated a good deal of his ſtiffneſs in regard to punctilios; and as we were now ſafely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of freſh proviſion, and other refreſh⯑ments, I recovered ſtrength every day, and in a ſhort time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-eſtabliſhed.—When I got up at firſt, and was juſt able to crawl about the deck, with a ſtaff in my hand, I met doctor Mackſhane, who paſſed by me with a diſdainful look, and did not vouchſafe to honour me with one word: After him came Crampley, who ſtrutting up to me, with a fierce countenance, pronounced, ‘"Here's fine diſcipline on board, when ſuch lazy ſculk⯑ing ſons of b—ches as you, are allowed, on pretence of ſickneſs, to lollop at your eaſe, while your betters are kept to hard duty!"—’The ſight and behaviour of this malicious ſcoun⯑drel, enraged me ſo much, that I could ſcarce re⯑frain from laying my cudgel acroſs his pate; but when I conſidered my preſent feebleneſs, and the enemies I had in the ſhip, who wanted only [305] a pretence to ruin me, I reſtrained my paſſion, and contented myſelf with telling him, I had not forgot his inſolence and malice, and that I hoped we ſhould meet one day on ſhore.—At this he grinned, ſhook his fiſt at me, and ſwore he longed for nothing more than ſuch an opportunity.

Mean while, our ſhip was ordered to be heaved down, victualled and watered, for her return to England; and our captain, for ſome reaſon or other, not thinking it convenient for him to re⯑viſit his native country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who on the other hand, wiſhed for nothing ſo much, as to be ſafe without the tropick; all his care and tenderneſs of himſelf, being inſufficient to preſerve his complexion from the injuries of the ſun and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ſhip, and carried his favourite Mackſhane along with him, to my in⯑expreſſible ſatisfaction; our new commander came on board, in a ten-oar'd barge, overſhadowed with a vaſt umbrella, and appeared in every thing quite the reverſe of Oakhum, being a tall, thin, young man, dreſſed in this manner; a white hat garniſhed with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed down upon his ſhoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon.—His coat, conſiſting of pink-coloured ſilk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut retired backward, as it were, to diſcover a white ſattin waiſtcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part, to diſplay a broch ſet with gar⯑nets, that glittered in the breaſt of his ſhirt, which was of the fineſt cambrick, edged with right mechlin: The knees of his crimſon velvet breeches ſcarce deſcended ſo low as to meet his [306] ſilk ſtockings, which roſe without ſpot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from ſhoes of blue Meroquin, ſtudded with diamond buckles, that flamed forth rivals to the ſun! A ſteel-hilted ſword, inlaid with figures of gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich toſſle, equipped his ſide; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wriſt:—But the moſt remarkable parts or his furniture were, a maſk on his face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not ſeem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off occaſionally, but were fixed with a ring ſet with a ruby on the little finger of one hand, and by one ſet with a topaz on that of the other.—In this garb, captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took poſſeſſion of the ſhip, ſurrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their different degrees, ſeemed to be of their patron's diſpoſition; and the air was ſo impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the clime of Arabia Foelix was not half ſo ſweet ſcented.—My fellow-mate, obſerving no ſurgeon among his train, thought he had found an occaſion too favourable for himſelf to be neglected; and re⯑membring the old proverb, ‘"Spare to ſpeak, and ſpare to ſpeed,"’ reſolved to ſollicit the new captain's intereſt immediately, before any other ſurgeon could be appointed for the ſhip.—With this view he repaired to the cabbin, in his ordinary dreſs, conſiſting of a check-ſhirt and trouſers, a brown linen waiſtcoat, and a night-cap of the ſame, neither very clean, which for his further misfortune, happened to ſmell ſtrong of tobacco.—Entering without any cere⯑mony, into this ſacred place, he found captain [307] Whiffle repoſing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muſlin cape bordered with lace upon his head; and after ſe⯑veral low conge's, began in this manner:—‘"Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuſe, and pardon the preſumption of one who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who is, nevertheleſs, a ſhentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Got help me, in the world."—’Here he was inter⯑rupted by the captain, who at firſt ſight of him had ſtarted up with great amazement at the no⯑velty of the apparition; and having recollected himſelf, pronounced, with a look and tone ſigni⯑fying diſdain, curioſity and ſurprize, ‘"Zauns! who art thou?"—’ ‘"I am ſurgeon's firſt firſt mate on board of this ſhip (replied Mor⯑gan) and I moſt vehemently deſire and beſeech you with all ſubmiſſion, to be pleaſed to conde⯑ſcend and vouchſafe to enquire into my cha⯑racter, and my pehaviour, and my deſerts, which, under Got, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of ſurgeon."—’As he proceeded in his ſpeech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whoſe noſtrils were no ſooner ſaluted with the aromatick flavour that exhaled from him; than he cried with great emotion, ‘"Hea⯑ven preſerve me! I am ſuffocated!—Fellow, Fellow, away with thee!—Curſe thee, fellow! get thee gone,—I ſhall be ſtunk to death!"—’At the noiſe of his outcries, his ſervants run into his apartment, and he accoſted them thus; ‘"Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am ſacrificed!—Will you not carry that monſter away? or muſt I be ſtifled with the [308] ſtench of him? oh! oh!"—’With theſe in⯑terjections, he ſunk down upon his ſettee in a fit; his valet de chambre plied him with a ſmell⯑ing-bottle, one footman chaſed his temples with Hungary water, another ſprinkled the floor with ſpirits of lavender, and a third puſhed Morgan out of the cabbin; who coming to the place where I was, ſat down with a demure countenance, and, according to his cuſtom, when he received any indignity which he durſt not revenge, began to ſing a Welch ditty.—I gueſſed he was under ſome agitation of ſpirits, and deſired to know the cauſe; but inſtead of anſwering me directly, he aſked with great emotion, if I thought him a monſter and a ſtinkard? ‘"A monſter and a ſtinkard (ſaid I, with ſome ſurprize) did any body call you ſo?"—’ ‘"Got is my judge (re⯑plied he) captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the water in the Tawy will not waſh it out of my remembrance.—I do affirm, and avouch, and maintain, with my ſoul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no ſmells about me, but ſuch as a chriſtian ought to have, except the effluvia of topacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatick herb, and he is a ſon of a mountain-goat who ſays other⯑wiſe.—As for my being a monſter, let that be as it is; I am as Got was pleaſed to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I ſhall aver of him who gave me that title; for I will pro⯑claim it before the world, that he is diſguiſed, and transfigured, and tranſmographied with affectation and whimſies; and that he is more like a papoon than one of the human race."’

CHAP. XXXV.

HE was going on, with an elogium upon the captain, when I received a meſſage to clean myſelf, and go up to the great cabbin, which I immediately performed, ſweetening myſelf with roſe-water from the medicine-cheſt. When I entered the room, I was ordered to ſtand by [310] the door, until captain Whiffle had reconnoitred me at a diſtance, with a ſpy-glaſs, who having conſulted one ſenſe in this manner, bid me ad⯑vance gradually, that his noſe might have intelli⯑gence, before it could be much offended: I there⯑fore approached with great caution and ſucceſs, and he was pleaſed to ſay, ‘"Ay, this creature is tolerable."—’I found him lolling on his couch with a languiſhing air, his head ſupported by his valet de chambre, who from time to time applied a ſmelling-bottle to his noſe.—‘"Vergette, (ſaid he, in a ſqueaking tone) doſt thou think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? may I venture to ſubmit my arm to him?"—’ ‘"Pon my vord, (replied the valet) I do tink dat dere be great occaſion for your honour loſing one ſmall quantite of blodt; and the yong mun ave qulque choſe of de bonne mine.—’ ‘"Well then (ſaid his maſter) I think I muſt venture."—’Then addreſſing himſelf to me, ‘"Haſt thou ever blooded any body but brutes?—But I need not aſk thee, for thou wilt tell me a moſt damnable lie."—’ ‘"Brutes, Sir, (anſwered I, pulling down his glove in order to feel his pulſe) I never meddle with brutes."—’ ‘"What the devil art thou about? (cried he) doſt thou intend to twiſt off my hand? Gad's curſe! my arm is benumbed up to the very ſhoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! muſt I periſh under the hands of ſavages? What an unfortunate dog was I to come on board with⯑out my own ſurgeon, Mr. Simper."—’I craved pardon for having handled him ſo roughly, and with the utmoſt care and tenderneſs tied up his arm with a fillet of ſilk. While I was ſeeling [311] for the vein, he deſired to know how much blood I intended to take from him, and when I an⯑ſwered, ‘"Not above twelve ounces;"’ ſtarted up with a look full of horror, and bid me begone, ſwearing I had a deſign upon his life.—Vergette appeaſed him with ſome difficulty, and opening a bureau, took out a pair of ſcales, in one of which was placed a ſmall cup; and putting them into my hand, told me, the captain never loſt a⯑bove an ounce and three drachms at one time.—While I prepared for this important evacua⯑tion, there came into the cabbin, a young man, gayly dreſſed, of a very delicate complexion, with a kind of languid ſmile on his face, which ſeemed to have been rendered habitual, by a long courſe of affectation.—The captain no ſooner perceived him, than riſing haſtily, he flew into his arms, crying, ‘"O! my dear Simper! I am exceſſive⯑ly diſordered! I have been betrayed, frigh⯑ted, murdered by the negligence of my ſer⯑vants, who ſuffered a beaſt, a mule, a bear to ſurprize me, and ſtink me into convulſions with the fumes of tobacco."—’Simper, who by this time, I found, was obliged to art for the clearneſs of his complexion, aſſumed an air of ſoftneſs and ſympathy, and lamented with many tender expreſſions of ſorrow, the ſad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then feeling his patient's pulſe on the outſide of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his diſorder was entirely ner⯑vous, and that ſome drops of tincture of caſtor and liquid laudanum, would be of more ſervice to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate ſallies of his ſpirits, and compoſing the fermenta⯑tion of his bile proceeding therefrom.—I was [312] therefore ſent to prepare this preſcription, which was adminiſtred in a glaſs of ſack-poſſet, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders ſent to the officers on the quarter-deck, to let no body walk on that ſide under which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repoſe, the doc⯑tor watched over him, and indeed became ſo ne⯑ceſſary, that a cabin was made for him contigu⯑ous to the ſtate-room, where Whiffle ſlept; that he might be at hand in caſe of accidents in the night.—Next day, our commander being hap⯑pily recovered, gave orders, that none of the lieu⯑tenants ſhould appear upon deck, without a wig, ſword, and ruffles; nor any midſhipman, or o⯑ther petty officer, be ſeen with a check ſhirt or dirty linen.—He alſo prohibited any perſon what⯑ever, except Simper and his own ſervants, from coming into the great cabbin, without firſt ſend⯑ing in to obtain leave.—Theſe ſingular regulations did not prepoſſeſs the ſhip's company in his fa⯑vour; but on the contrary, gave ſcandal an op⯑portunity to be very buſy with his character, and accuſe him of maintaining a correſpondence with his ſurgeon, not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ſhip was under ſailing orders, and I was in hopes of re-viſiting my na⯑tive country in a very ſhort time, when the ad⯑miral's ſurgeon came on board, and ſending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave me to underſtand, there was a great ſcarcity of ſurgeons in the Weſt-Indies, that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ſhip that was bound for England; and deſired us to agree among ourſelves, before the next day at that hour, which of us ſhould ſtay behind.—We [313] were thunder-ſtruck at this propoſal, and ſtared at one another ſome time, without ſpeaking; at length the Welchman broke ſilence, and offered to remain in the Weſt-Indies, provided the ad⯑miral would give him a ſurgeon's warrant imme⯑diately: But he was told there was no want of chief ſurgeons, and that he muſt be contented with the ſtation of mate, till he ſhould be further provided for in due courſe: Whereupon Morgan flatly refuſed to quit the ſhip for which the com⯑miſſioners of the navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by ourſelves before to⯑morrow morning, he muſt caſt lots, and abide by his chance.—When I recalled to my remem⯑brance the miſeries I had undergone in England, where I had not one friend to promote my inte⯑reſt, or favour my advancement in the navy, and at the ſame time, reflected on the preſent dearth of ſurgeons in the Weſt-Indies, and the un⯑healthineſs of the climate, which every day, al⯑moſt, reduced the number, I could not help thinking my ſucceſs would be much more cer⯑tain and expeditious, by ſtaying where I was, than by returning to Europe.—I therefore re⯑ſolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan, he needed not trouble himſelf, for I would voluntarily ſubmit to the admiral's plea⯑ſure.—This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who aſſured me, it ſhould not fare the worſe with me for my reſignation: Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very after⯑noon, procured a warrant, appointing me ſur⯑geon's mate of the Lizzard ſloop of war, which [314] put me on a footing with every firſt mate in the ſervice.

My ticket being made out, I put my cheſt and bedding on board a canoe that was along⯑ſide, and having ſhook hands with my truſty friend the ſerjeant, and honeſt Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich-hoſpital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our ſleeve-buttons as remembrances of each other.—Having preſented my new war⯑rant to the captain of the Lizard, I enquired for the doctor, whom I no ſooner ſaw, than I recollected him to be one of thoſe young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round-houſe, during our frolick with Jackſon, as I have related be⯑fore.—He received me with a good deal of cour⯑teſy, and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expreſſed great joy in ſeeing me a⯑gain, and recommended me to an exceeding good meſs, compoſed of the gunner and the maſter's mate.—As there was not one ſick perſon in the ſhip, I got leave to go aſhore, next day, with the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket, at the rate of 40 per cent. diſcount; and having furniſhed myſelf with what neceſſaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, and to my great ſurprize, found my old antagoniſt Crampley walking upon deck.—Tho' I did not fear his enmity, I was ſhocked at his appearance, and communicated my ſentiments on that ſubject to Mr. Tomlins the ſurgeon, who told me, that Crampley, by the dint of ſome friends about the admiral, had procured a commiſſion conſtituting him lieutenant on board the Lizzard: and adviſed me, now he was my ſuperior officer, [315] to behave with ſome reſpect towards him, or elſe he would find a thouſand opportunities of uſing me ill.—This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and reſentment had rendered utterly incapable of the leaſt ſubmiſſion to, or even of reconciliation with the wretch, who had, on many occaſions, treated me ſo inhumanly: However, I reſolved to have as little connexion as poſſible with him, and to ingratiate myſelf as much as I could with the reſt of the officers, whoſe friend⯑ſhip might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.

In leſs than a week we ſailed on a cruize, and having got round the eaſt end of the iſland, had the good fortune to take a Spaniſh Barcolongo, with her prize, which was an Engliſh ſhip bound for Briſtol, that ſailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy. All the priſoners who were well, were put on ſhore on the north-ſide of the iſland; the prizes were manned with En⯑gliſhmen, and the command of the Barcolongo, given to my friend the maſter's mate, with or⯑ders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizzard's cruize ſhould be end⯑ed, at which time ſhe would touch at the ſame place in her way to Port-Royal.—With him I was ſent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Engliſhmen, who amounted to ſixteen, and to take care of them on ſhore, in a houſe that was to be hired as an hoſpital.—This deſtination gave me a great deal of pleaſure, as I would, for ſome time, be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whoſe inveteracy againſt me had already broke out on two or three occaſions, ſince he was be⯑come a lieutenant.—My meſs-mate, who very [316] much reſembled my uncle, both in figure and diſpoſition, treated me on board of the prize, with the utmoſt civility and confidence; and a⯑mong other favours, made me a preſent of a ſilver hilted hanger, and a pair of piſtols mounted with the ſame metal, which fell to his ſhare in plun⯑dering the enemy.—We arrived ſafely at Mo⯑rant, and going aſhore, pitched upon an empty ſtore-houſe, which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other neceſſaries; and four of the ſhip's company appointed to attend them, and obey me.

CHAP. XXXVI.

WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, whoſe name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the houſe of a rich planter, with whom he was acquainted; where we were ſumptuouſly enter⯑tained, [317] and in the evening ſet out on our return to the ſhip. When we had walked about a mile by moon-light, we perceived a horſeman be⯑hind us, who coming up, wiſhed us good even, and aſked which way we went: His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no ſooner ſtruck my ear, than, in ſpite of all my reſolution and reflection, my hair briſtled up, and I was ſeized with a vio⯑lent fit of trembling, which Brayl miſ-interpret⯑ing, bid me be under no concern, for he would ſtand by me.—I told him, he was miſtaken in the cauſe of my diſorder; and addreſſing myſelf to the perſon on horſe-back, ſaid, ‘"I could have ſworn by your voice, that you was a dear friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death."—’To this, after ſome pauſe, he replied, ‘"There are many voices as well as faces that reſemble one another; but pray, what was your friend's name?"’ I ſatisfied him in that particular, and gave a ſhort detail of the melancholy fate of Thomſon, not without many ſighs and ſome tears. A ſilence enſued which laſted ſome minutes, and then the converſation turned on indifferent ſubjects, till we arrived at a houſe on the road, where the horſeman alighted, and begged with ſo much earneſtneſs, that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not reſiſt.—But if I was alarmed at his voice, what muſt my amazement be, when I diſcovered by the light, the very perſon of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confuſion, which was ex⯑treme, he claſped me in his arms and bedewed my face with tears.—It was ſome time ere I re⯑covered the uſe of my reaſon, overpowered with this event, and longer ſtill before I could ſpeak. [318] So that all I was capable of, was to return his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; while honeſt Brayl, affected with the ſcene, wept as faſt as either of us, and ſig⯑nified his participation of our happineſs, by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a mad-man.—At length I retrieved the uſe of my tongue, and cried, ‘"Is it poſſible, can you be my friend Thomſon? No certainly, alas! he was drowned! and I am now under the deception of a dream!"—’Then I relapſed into tears.—He was at great pains to convince me of his being the individual perſon whom I re⯑gretted, and bidding me ſit down and compoſe myſelf, promiſed to explain his ſudden diſappear⯑ance from the Thunder, and to account for his being at preſent in the land of the living.—This he acquitted himſelf of, after I had drank a glaſs of punch, and recollected myſelf; by informing us, that with a determination to rid himſelf of a miſerable exiſtence, he had gone in the night⯑time to the head, while the ſhip was on her way, from whence he ſlipped down, as ſoftly as he could by the bows, into the ſea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and as he could ſwim very well, kept himſelf above water, in hopes of being taken up by ſome of the ſhips aſtern;—that in this ſi⯑tuation, he hailed a large veſſel and begged to be taken in, but was anſwered, that ſhe was a hea⯑vy ſailor, and therefore they did not chuſe to loſe time, by bringing to; however, they threw an old cheſt over-board, for his convenience, and told him, that ſome of the ſhips a-ſtern would cer⯑tainly ſave him;—that no other veſſel came [319] within ſight or cry of him, for the ſpace of three hours, during which time he had the mortifica⯑tion of finding himſelf in the middle of the ocean alone, without ſupport or reſting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at laſt, he diſcerned a ſmall ſloop ſteering towards him, upon which he ſet up his throat, and had the good for⯑tune to be heard and reſcued from the dreary waſte, by their boat, which was hoiſted out on purpoſe.—‘"I was no ſooner brought on board (continued he) than I fainted; and when I recovered my ſenſes, found myſelf in bed, re⯑galed with a moſt noiſome ſmell of onions and cheeſe, which made me think at firſt, that I was in my own hammock, along-ſide of honeſt Morgan, and that all which had paſſed was no more than a dream.—Upon enquiry I underſtood that I was on board of a ſchooner belonging to Rhode Iſland, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geeſe, pigs, onions, and cheeſe; and that the maſter's name was Robertſon, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at firſt ſight to be an old ſchool-fellow of mine.—When I diſcovered myſelf to him, he was tranſported with ſurprize and joy, and begged to know the occaſion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to diſcloſe, becauſe I knew his notions with regard to religion, were very ſevere and confined; therefore contented my⯑ſelf with telling him, I fell over-board by ac⯑cident; but made no ſcruple of explaining the nature of my diſagreeable ſtation, and of ac⯑quainting him with my determined purpoſe never to return to the Thunder man of war."—’ ‘"Although he was not of my opinion in that [320] particular, knowing that I muſt loſe my cloaths, and what pay was due to me, unleſs I went back to my duty; yet, when I deſcribed the circumſtances of the helliſh life I led, under the tyrannic ſway of Oakhum and Mackſhane; and among other grievances, hinted a diſſatisfaction at the irreligious deport⯑ment of my ſhip-mates, and the want of the true Preſbyterian goſpel doctrine; he changed his ſentiments, and conjured me with great ve⯑hemence and zeal to lay aſide all thoughts of riſing in the navy; and that he might ſhew how much he had my intereſt at heart, under⯑took to provide for me in ſome ſhape or other, before he ſhould leave Jamaica.—This he performed to my heart's deſire, by recom⯑mending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever ſince, in quality of ſur⯑geon and overſeer to his plantations.—He and his lady are now at Kingſton, ſo that I am, for the preſent, maſter of this houſe, to which, from my ſoul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the remaining part of the night."—’I needed not a ſecond invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent officer, could not be per⯑ſuaded to ſleep out of the ſhip: However, he ſupped with us, and after having drank a chear⯑ful glaſs, ſet out for the veſſel, which was not above three miles from the place, eſcorted by a couple of ſtout Negroes, whom Mr. Thomſon ordered to conduct him.—Never were two friends more happy in the converſation of one another than we, for the time it laſted: I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Car⯑thagena, [321] of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life ſince we parted.—He aſſured me, it was with the utmoſt reluc⯑tance, he could reſiſt his inclination of coming down to Port-Royal to ſee Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings ſince the day of our ſeparation; but that he was reſtrained by the fear of being detained as a deſerter.—He told me, that when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almoſt as much ſurprized as I was at ſeeing him afterwards; and in the confidence of friend⯑ſhip, diſcloſed a paſſion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his deſcription, was a very ami⯑able young lady, and did not diſtain his addreſſes; that he was very much favoured by her parents, and did not deſpair of obtaining their conſent to the match, which would at once render him in⯑dependent of the world.—I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he proteſted ſhould never make him forget his friend; and towards morn⯑ing we betook ourſelves to reſt.

Next day he accompanied me to the ſhip, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at dinner, and having ſpent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten piſtoles, as a ſmall token of his affec⯑tion.—In ſhort, while we ſtaid here, we ſaw one another every day, and generally eat at the ſame table, which was plentifully ſupplied by him, with all kinds of poultry, butcher's meat, o⯑ranges, limes, lemons, pine-aples, Madeira-wine, and excellent rum; ſo that this ſmall interval of ten days, was by far the moſt agreeable period of my life.

[322] At length, the Lizzard arrived; and as my patients were all fit for duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I underſtood from Mr. Tomlins, that there was a dryneſs be⯑tween the lieutenant and him, on my account; that rancorous villain having taken the opportu⯑nity of my abſence, to fill the captain's ears with a thouſand ſcandalous ſtories, to my prejudice; among other things affirming, that I had been once tranſported for theft, and that when I was in the Thunder man of war I had been whipt for the ſame crime.—The ſurgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole ſtory from my own mouth, defended me ſtrenuouſly, and in the courſe of that good-natured office, recounted all the inſtances of Crampley's malice againſt me, while I remained on board of that ſhip.—Which declaration, while it ſatisfied the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my de⯑fender's enemy as mine. This infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added ſuch fuel to my former reſentment, that at certain times, I was quite beſide myſelf with the deſire of revenge, and was even tempted to piſtol him on the quar⯑ter-deck, though an infamous death muſt in⯑evitably have been my reward.—But the ſurgeon, who was my confident, argued againſt ſuch a deſperate action ſo effectually, that I ſtifled the flame which conſumed me for the preſent, and reſolved to wait a more convenient opportu⯑nity.—In the mean time, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more convinced of the wrongs I ſuffered by this fellow's ſlander, I begged he would go and viſit Mr. Thomſon, whoſe wonder⯑ful eſcape I had made him acquainted with, and [323] enquire of him into the particulars of my con⯑duct, while he was my fellow-mate. This the ſurgeon complied with, more through curioſity to ſee a perſon whoſe fate had been ſo extraordi⯑nary, than to confirm his good opinion of me, which, he aſſured me, was already firmly eſta⯑bliſhed.—He therefore ſet out for the dwelling⯑place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and being received with all the civility and kindneſs I expected, returned to the ſhip, not only ſatisfied with my character, beyond the power of doubt or inſinuation, but alſo charmed with the affability and converſation of Thomſon, who loaded him and me with preſents of freſh ſtock, liquors and fruit. As he would not ven⯑ture to come and ſee us on board, left Crampley ſhould know and detain him, when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him farewell.—After we had vowed an everlaſting friendſhip, he preſſed upon me a purſe with four double dubloons, which I refuſed as long as I could, without giving umbrage; and having cordi⯑ally embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a ſmall box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins.—Knowing the ſuperſcription to be of Thomſon's hand-writing, I opened it with ſome ſurprize, and learned that this generous friend, not contented with loading me with the preſents already mentioned, had ſent for my uſe and acceptance, half a dozen fine ſhirts, and as many linnen waiſtcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread-ſtockings.—Being thus provided with money, and all neceſſa⯑ries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myſelf as a gentleman of ſome conſequence, and felt my pride dilate apace.

[324] Next day we ſailed for Port-Royal, where we arrived ſafely with our prizes; and as there was nothing to do on board, I went aſhore, and hav⯑ing purchaſed a laced waiſtcoat, with ſome other cloaths at a vendue, made a ſwaggering figure for ſome days, among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty piſtoles in my pocket. Mean while our captain was promoted to a ſhip of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizzard given to a man turned of fourſcore, who had been lieutenant ſince the reign of king William to this time, and notwith⯑ſtanding his long ſervice, would have probably died in that ſtation, had he not employed ſome prize-money he had lately received, to make intereſt with his ſuperiors. My friend Brayl was alſo made an officer about the ſame time, after he had ſerved in quality of midſhipman and mate five and twenty years. Soon after theſe altera⯑tions, the admiral pitched upon our ſhip to carry home diſpatches for the miniſtry; accordingly we ſet ſail for England, having firſt ſcrubbed her bottom, and taken in proviſion and water for the occaſion.