CHAP. I.

THE Report of young Fool's Marriage ſpread like a new Faſhion. Curio⯑ſity brought ſeveral of the neighbouring Gentry to ſtare at the Wretch, Lady Greenſy had thrown herſelf away upon.

Sir Martin Fullmatt very wiſely ob⯑ſerv'd (as he and his Family were travel⯑ling to pay the Wedding Viſit) that [2]there was ſomething very dark in this Match. But Matrimony, tho' it may make the Huſband dim-ſighted, always opens the Wife's Eyes: Therefore Lady Ferd declared, ſhe cou'd ſee the Scheme as plain as Noon-day; but muſt beg to be excuſed from ſaying any more yet,— it was Time enough,—let the longeſt Liver take Broom Field.

Right, my Dear, leave it to Time,— that's my Way; and I may ſay without Vanity, in all the Affairs of Conſe⯑quence, that have been on the Carpet for 48 Years, I never once have been miſtaken,—I have always left them to Time.

I wiſh Sir Martin you wou'd not put one in Mind of Time ſo;—you know it vapours me, and therefore chuſe to do it.—Lord, if Greenſy's Huſband ſhou'd dare—

How Madam, am I?

Patience, dear Sir Martin, I'm not going to make any Compariſons: As to the Fright ſhe has married, he muſt be ſome odd Mortal, a ſtrange Animal to be ſure. But her Ladyſhip alter'd her [3]Opinion before ſhe had been half an Hour in Mr. Fool's Company. The Moment he went out of the Room, ſhe addreſs'd his Lady with;—by my Soul, Bella, I doat upon your Choice: Let me dye, my dear Creature, if I don't honour your Taſte; the young Gentleman is immenſely agreeable, and it muſt be vaſtly odd indeed, if you ar'nt vaſtly happy.

Indeed, Lady Ferd, I have no Reaſon to complain—as to the Cenſures of the Word—

Well, now, that's vaſtly high indeed; What have People of Faſhion to do with the World; the vulgar Part of it I mean: Women of Quality are not to be called to Account for what they do, ſo they have nothing to anſwer for.

Young Fullmatt, Sir Martin's eldeſt, ſwore he wou'dn't give a Fox's Bruſh for all that the World ſaid of him, one way or t'other; but yet, if he ſat in the Houſe, as his Father did, he'd muzzle the Mob's Mouths tho'— they ſhou'dn't babble about, what their Betters did. — He wiſh'd he was Whipper-in to'um, that's all.

Child, the Obſervations made by In⯑feriors are extrajudicial, and politi⯑cally—

Dear Sir Martin, for Heaven's Sake, no Politics, nor no Parties.

Dear Meem, that's true, I kent bear any Party, but one at Kedrill, and I beg we may have a Pool; won't that agreeable Creater your Spouſe, my Lady, make one with us?

Mr. Fool, Ladies, never plays at Cards.

My God!—How do you do to kill Time then, when you don't ſee Com⯑pany? I am ſure, Sir Martin and I ſhou'd be the two dulleſt Creatures ex⯑iſting, if it wa'ant for Cards,—for he's ſo apt to doze after Dinner; and I de⯑teſt Reading.

I hope my Lady, with your Leave, to have the Honour of introducing Mr. Fool to our Sporting Club.

I am oblig'd to you Sir; but I have heard him ſay, he is not fond of Horſe⯑racing. [5]Indeed I believe his chiefeſt Diverſion is Books.

Books, Books a Diverſion! I'm ſure I didn't think them ſo, while I was at um. They are well enough indeed for Parſons, or thoſe that deal in um; but for a Man of Faſhion to read;—bar that throw, however; — let his Chaplain; What has he got elſe to do?—But for Gentlemen to throw away their Time upon ſuch Nonſenſe!—I'd as ſoon go of my own Meſſages.—Now here's a Dog my Lady, better than e'er a Library in Europe.

Lord, now ſhall we be ſtunn'd with a Fox Chace, I ſuppoſe.

That's as good as a Fool's Chace, I ſuppoſe.—My Siſter's never eaſy, with⯑out ſhe has half a ſcore Couple of Beaux yelping about her.—Lady Fool, to pre⯑vent any farther Altercation, had the Card-tables brought in immediately. Upon which all the good Company came to Order.

CHAP. II.

PAST Four o'Clock, and a Moon⯑light Morning; the Company broke up; and with the Reader's Leave, as indeed it is but Good-manners, we'll ſee Sir Fullmatt's Family ſafe Home.

Sir Martin, as he hobbled into the Hall, began by certain ſhooting Symp⯑toms, to expect a ſevere Attack in both Feet, therefore order'd his Bed to be warm'd immediately: Upon which, his Lady cou'd not help obſerving, ſhe thought it was vaſtly odd, that ever ſince Sir Martin's Gout had made them lye in ſeparate Apartments, he was always hur⯑rying to Bed. But I inſiſt Sir Martin before you do go, you ſhall let me know your Opinion of Greenſy's Choice. For my Part, tho' I deteſt Scandal, I wonder what ſome Women are made of, to bra⯑zen it out as ſhe does: Well, for Effron⯑tery, ſhe indeed does exceed any thing I ever ſaw.—As to her Huſband, as ſhe calls him;—my God!—I'm ſick of Wed⯑lock.—The Fellow is really perſonal enough;—but her telling us he was a [7]Gentleman,—I ſhall never love Gentility again.

It is to me a Matter of much Won⯑der.

Nay, my Dear, why ſhou'd you wonder at what ſome of our Sex will do?—Why now you ſaw fine Miſs Relt To-day:—She's with Child by the Butler.

Now that to me is amazing; if a Lady did fall, her Pride ſhou'd not; — methinks her own Spirit wou'd hinder her from ſinking. If I did intrigue, it ſhou'd be with ſomebody of Family however.—That's what I blame my Bro⯑ther for; to take up with ſuch a coarſe Creature as our Houſe-maid Bett is;— I wonder how he can touch her filthy Fleſh.

Young Fullmatt was nettled, to be re⯑proach'd for his Indelicacy of Taſte; and replied to his Siſter, rather too tartly. She return'd it; the Parents join'd in the Diſpute, and the Quarrel might have been attended with bad Conſequences, had not the Delinquent Mrs. Betty been call'd for; and as ſoon as ſhe enter'd, my Lady order'd her out of Doors; vow⯑ing, [8]ſhe wou'd not ſleep under the ſame Roof with a Strumpet.

The reſt of the Family then prepared for Bed, all but young Fullmatt; he was reſolv'd to keep Betty Company, in the Hall Porch, till Day-light.

After he had every way endeavour'd to pacify the Maid; ſwearing the Loſs of her Place ſhou'd be no Loſs to her.— The Girl interrupted him, ſobbing— that's not it Squire, thank God I don't fear to get my Living; but to be call'd Whore ſo:—I durſn't ſay any thing be⯑fore your Father, or elſe it was at my Tongue's End, when Madam call'd me Strumpet ſo, and ſpit in my Face: I cou'd have told her, ay, and Miſs too; if I am one, I a'ant the only one in the Family, no that I a'ant, for all ſhe's your Siſter.

Young Fullmatt's Curioſity was rais'd; he preſs'd the Girl very ſeriouſly to ex⯑plain herſelf; and whether it was owing to Revenge, or Remorſe, or Friendſhip, every Operation of Female Diſpoſitions has not yet been mathematically aſcer⯑tain'd; but ſhe led him (like Guy Fox, with a dark Lanthorn in his Hand) into that Part of the Houſe, which was thought by moſt of the Family to be [9]haunted. There lay his Mama along with the Gardener: And as faſt aſleep, in an adjoining Room, the Bed⯑cloaths all toſs'd off, out-ſpread was Miſs Fullmatt, and his Honour's Po⯑ſtillion.

For ſome Moments the Eſquire ſtood aſtound, he rubb'd his Eyes, look'd on his Siſter, ſtared at the Maid: Then treading ſoftly on Tip-toe, he took away his Mother's, Siſter's, and their Gallants Apparel; but left his own Coat in the Lad's Room: Then faſtening all the other Out-lets, he placed a Light at the Top of an Entry, leading down into the Hall, from their Chambers, and ſtood under the Windows, calling out, Fire, Fire.

This alarm'd the Lovers;— they ſtarted out of Bed; ſcrambled for their Cloaths; ſeized the firſt Things that came to Hand;—and Helter-ſkelter, Slip-ſhod, they came tumbling into the Hall together.

Young Fullmatt ſtood there in the Dark, like a decoy Bird. But when, by their Voices, he found himſelf ſure of his Prey, he call'd Bett to bring Can⯑dles.

[10]The firſt Figure the Light diſco⯑ver'd was Miſs Fullmatt, with a Horſe's Hood on; the Poſtillion in her Bro⯑ther's laced Frock; Lady Ferd, with the Gardener's Apron about her Shoul⯑ders; the Gardener wrapp'd in a Silk Petticoat; the Eſquire in a Livery Jacket; and Betty in her Ladyſhip's Negligee.

How they ſtar'd at the Maid,—or how young Fullmatt look'd at them, is now impoſſible to deſcribe: For juſt as their Portraits were going to be colour'd; while Shame, Sorrow, and ſundry other Paſſions, alternate fluſh'd in their Faces, a Footman, whom the Noiſe of Fire had waked, and who to ſave his Linnen always lay in Buff, bolted naked upon them.—Such a Sight, ſent the Women ſhrieking away; the Eſquire turn'd the Fellow to Bed again; bid Bett ſee the Ladies ſafe to their own Rooms, and went up Stairs to quiet the Baronet, who lay roaring and ſwearing in a Fit of the Gout, he ſhou'd be burn'd in his Bed.

Next Morning the Gardener and Lad were diſcharg'd; and the Maid, who but the Night before was not ſuffer'd to ſleep in the Houſe, took Place of all her [11]fellow Servants, by the Title of my Lady's Woman.

When Sir Martin heard of this, he cou'd not account for it.—But as my Lady permitted him to know only as much as ſhe thought proper of dome⯑ſtic Occurrences, he ſatisfied himſelf with remarking,—that there are ſudden Changes in private Families, as well as Kingdoms, beyond the Ken of keeneſt Politicians.

CHAP III.

AMONG the many well-dreſs'd Viſitants, Mr. Fool, on the Ac⯑count of his Marriage, had the Honour of being Gentleman Uſher to, one La⯑dy (as he offer'd her his Hand) with a Sigh, tenderly looking at him in a plaintive Tone, whiſpered: What, Mr. Fool, have you forgot me? Tom bluſh'd, bowed, his Heart beat quick; with down-caſt Look, he reply'd, No, Ma⯑dam, nor ever ſhall I, and trembling, he led her into the Parlour.

The Reader may ſuppoſe this Lady to be Miſs Faſh; it was indeed—the late Miſs Faſh: She had given her Hand to the Right Honourable Lord Pillow:— For Lady Dowager—but to preſerve the Unity of our Drama, we muſt beg Leave to return, To the

Hiſtory of Patchwork.

In the Concluſion of the Chapter of Ghoſts, Mr. Iſrael wrapp'd up in the Roquelaure, barefooted limp'd to his Lodgings; Miſs Maſk took Poſt Chaiſe that Evening for London; Eſquire Sin⯑gleten went to the Chriſtopher's to drink [13]away his Misfortunes, and Junior and Matilda ſaunter'd to her Siſter's

Batilda and her Dutch Merchant, in three or four Days, ſet out for London; and Miſs Demirep with them, unlover'd. Such an univerſal Diſſipation then reign'd at Bath, that a Lady of her Figure, Ele⯑gance, Wit, and ſtrong Senſations, was neglected, for the more faſcinating Ex⯑cerciſe of the E O Table.

Junior and Matilda, who grew re⯑markably intimate, ſtaid at Bath, and Eſquire Singleten with them. This laſt-mentioned Gentleman made ſtrong Pro⯑feſſions of Friendſhip to Junior; and be⯑hind his Back was as eager in his Pro⯑teſtations of Love to Matilda; nay, the Eſquire proffer'd to make her a very handſome Settlement. This ſhe told Junior, who adviſed her by all Means to accept of the Conditions; for, as he ob⯑ſerved, Conſtancy was no Money-getting Virtue, Pleaſure ſhe might keep always in waiting—but 300 l. a Year was not an every Day Viſitor. As he ſpoke like a Man of Senſe, and one who knew the World, and the beſt Way to live in it, ſhe was ruled by him. Therefore, with her Conſent, he borrowed for his own Uſe 500 Pieces of the Eſquire; then, like [14]a Man of Honour, put the Lady into the Lender's Hands as a Security.

With that Sum Junior intending to ſtrike a bold Stroke, ſet up an Equipage; and as it was Taſte then, to be waited on by foreign Servants, he hired a Swiſs, or Frenchman (its all the fame in the Greek) for his Valet. Junior called him a Swiſs; indeed as England was then at War with France, he would not be thought ſo Anti-Antigallican, as to che⯑riſh an Enemy; differently thought his Servant, he knew himſelf to be a Sub⯑ject, and Slave of the Grand Monarch; that it was his Duty to make Repriſals upon his King's Enemies; taking the Advantage of his Maſter's coming Home late one Evening, and very much in Li⯑quor, he plunder'd him of all his Caſh, Watch, Ring, &c. and with the Dex⯑terity common to that Nation, eluded his Purſuers. This Misfortune threw Junior into Priſon, where he met with Tom Fool, as related in the firſt Part, as Reference being had thereto, will more fully appear.

CHAP. IV.

BY the Help of his faithful Amy, he gain'd his Liberty; but ingrateful⯑ly contracted an Acquaintance with a Dutch Jeweſs, who formerly had been a celebrated Woman of the Town, but of late Years, hawk'd Trinkets about at Coffee-houſes. With this Hebrew La⯑dy he ſat forwards for Turnbridge; but as at the firſt Baiting-place, he met with a Perſon it much behoved him to ac⯑knowledge, we beg Leave to journalize the Particulars.

One of the Gueſts being rather too pro⯑lix, in ſaying Grace after Dinner, was queſtion'd by another of the Company; —If he didn't think the Meat would digeſt as well without ſo much Ceremo⯑ny? Hoot, Hoot, ye tawk Bloſphomy mon;—replied the Preacher; and, ſnatch⯑ing down his Hat, ſtroaked his Hair up behind his Ears, and muttering ſome Words to himſelf, hurried out of the Room.

A Gentlewoman in a Vellum-holed Habit, (formerly new) obſerved (after taking a large Pinch of Snuff) that there ought to be a Diſtinction made between the Sinful and the Needful. But as this [16]is the Lady we have given the Reader the Trouble to halt for, whoever thou art, O patient Peruſer of this Perfor⯑mance,—behold her Picture, as ſhe ſat to Junior; and which we beg all Face-painters to take Notice of, both Pen, and Pencil Men.

Her Countenance had not loſt all its original Brightneſs; for her Forehead and Noſe were abundantly enrich'd with purple-colour'd Pimples. The Lillies of her Neck were ſallow'd, by the im⯑moderate Uſe of Snuff-taking; and the Roſes of her Cheeks, crack'd, crimſon'd, and peel'd, by the fiery Exhalations of Juniper. Her Teeth, like the remain⯑ing Pillars at Perſepolis, ſtood irregular⯑ly, and ſeem'd decaying. The Ala⯑baſter Hue was ſably ſullied, as if in Mourning for their departed Neighbours. She wore, by way of Tete, a bob Wig, once Brown; but, by long Uſe, was tann'd into a dingy Red. From under⯑neath which, ſome ſtraggling grey Hairs hung down her Temples, like Icicles in dirty Thatch.

After recovering her Hand from her Snuff-box, ſhe very emphatically inſiſt⯑ed; that whatever is, is right; becauſe it was to be; for Predeſtination, as ſhe ob⯑ſerved, was one of the Cardinal Virtues.

Indeed, Madam, and ſo I have often told my Huſband, it was to be; for Women are ſometimes drove to do ſuch Things, they can no more account for, than why our Beer is fine ſometimes, and ſometimes muddy.

In our Sex, Madam, there is an Agi⯑tation of the Senſes, which compels us to commit ſome Things, for which in⯑deed we were pre-ordain'd.

But, Madam, ſuppoſe I find a Man in Bed with my Wife, is that ordain'd too? I've heard Marriages were made in Heaven; but I don't believe Whore and Rogue were.

The Crime, Sir, ſhould never be laid at the Lady's Door; for, as Mat. Prior ſays;

If Women chance to go aſtray,

Their Stars are more in Fault than they.

[18]The Landlady clapp'd her Hands to⯑gether, and cry'd out—ſo they are to be ſure, Madam.—An't pleaſe the Lord, I'll drink the Gentleman's Health that ſaid ſo: Pray, Ma'am, wa'ant he a Biſhop?—a Biſhop—no, he was too good for one of that Sort.—Their ſpiri⯑tuous Court will puniſh a poor Girl, when a Rogue gets her with Child; tho', as you ſay, Madam, ſhe was ordained to it.

Mr. Pattern, the Rider, thruſting the Points of the Fork (he had employed as a Pick-tooth) into the Table, obſerved, that there was ſo much about Biſhops, and Religion, now-a-days, the Nation's ſick on't.

But, if they wou'd take my Antiper⯑pendicular Catoptric Syphilicon Elixir, it would bring Great Britain right again.

The Nation was never ſo near being undone as now, nor becoming a Pro⯑vince to France neither.—Engliſh Liber⯑ty! Yes faith, fine Engliſh Liberty, in⯑deed; here they have put down Maſ⯑querades, without having an Act of Par⯑liament for it; and here's a new Tax upon Cards, and they talk of Dogs pay⯑ing Duty to. I have a Couple of Poin⯑ters, and a Leaſh of Greyhounds, that [19]always in the Seaſon go my Rounds with me; now let me ſee any Body make me pay Exciſe for 'um; that's all, —any ſingle Man.—Dammee, if it was Jack Broughton, if I woudn't.—A ſud⯑den Outcry prevented him from finiſhing his Harangue; he ſat with Mouth open, and Eyes fix'd, and aghaſt; the crow⯑ing of a Cock will terrify a Lion.

Junior run up the Stairs to the Place from whence the Noiſe iſſued, and the Women followed him.

The Doctor, Rider, and Landlord, kept their Seats—the Inn-keeper, in⯑deed, once ſaid, he wou'd go up to take care of his Wife—but the other two obſerving, he was hang'd who left his Liquor behind him, the Motion was over-ruled.

Junior, on burſting open the Cham⯑ber-Door, diſcover'd the Cook-maid bare-headed; her diſhevell'd Locks briſt⯑ling about her Ears; in one Hand ſhe graſp'd a pewter Chamber-pot, and in the other waved a Piece of Linnen, which ſeem'd to be Part of a Shirt Sleeve; under the Bed lay the Long-winded-grace-ſayer, like a large Turtle; his Hands and Head only to be ſeen.

The Landlady ſharply enquired into this Confuſion; the Girl, with much [20]blubbering, declared it was all upon Account of that Scotch Dog: For that, as how, upon her Honour, he wou'd have raviſhed her: Had not Junior took the Delinquent's Part, they wou'd have pulled the poor Pedlar to Pieces—but they were at laſt prevail'd on to retire; which they did along with the Cook-wench, to hear every minute Circum⯑ſtance of the intended Rape.

After Mr. Macdugle was enough re⯑covered to return Mr. Junior Thanks, thus he delivered himſelf. As I have a Sol tull be ſaved, Iſe tall ye the hale Truth, gued Sir. Sawton got Poſſeſſion o'me this Afternoon, for ye ken unco⯑well, Sir, how he gangs aboot, like a roaring Lion: And I ſtud in his Wa. Don na ye remamber how that wacked Loon, like Tyke, tawked Bloſphomy, aboot Prayer and Grace. Oh tis aw oer wi us, when Grace gangs oot on us. Weel, weel Sir, I gang'd my Gate, and and ſpeerd my Prayer-buke. Than as Beelzabub wood ha it, this Katchen Whore ſtepped intull my Room, to clap her Cap on her Hede.—Sawton as I tald ye before was a're ſtrong in me,— and mad me hold a parle wi her;—wo worth the Time tho'. Yet ken me right, twas no Art, nor Part of mine ane, 'twas [21]aw the Deel's doing himſel; he gang'd intull me, as he yance did, intull the wee-porkers, when the Swene were ſank in the Sea, as the Goſpull talls us. Than, Sir, I gi her a braw Silk Hankercher, ſike like this, to ha my Wull on her, and the Watch wud na lat me lig her down; ſhe gat my Gueds, and wud na gi me a Baw-bee for um; and as I tuke a hantle o'her Hair in my Fiſt; ſhe ſeiz'd my Sark wi yae Hond, and wi tither, clitter clatter'd o're my Hede, wi the mamber Mugg, as if ſhe war the Deel's Drummer.

On that Inſtant the tarniſh'd Jacket Lady enter'd, and reproach'd the North Britain with Indelicacy, for attempting to force the Wench. For, Sir (turning to Junior) Women are not to be raviſh'd, we are free Agents, and Compulſion is incompatible with our Paſſions. We may be won; for, as the Duke of Marl⯑borough, (who was a Relation of mine) uſed to ſay, if a Town is open at Top, it may be taken.—So may our Sex; we are open—we are to be taken. But, Sir, I ſhould be pleas'd, if you'd retire with me, from this Scene of Confuſion; for as I hear your Name is Junior, there is ſomething in that Name which alarms my Soul. They withdrew, and after [22]interchanging a few Queſtions, ſhe diſ⯑cover'd herſelf, to be the identical Lady Senior, ſecreted among the Gipſies.

If Junior was pleaſed at finding his Parent, the Lady was no leſs rejoiced at meeting her Son. The whole Houſe was rejoiced, and the Evening conclu⯑ded with that exquiſite Eſſential to En⯑gliſh Happineſs, a General Drinking Rout.

CHAP. V.

NEXT Day, after Junior had in⯑form'd his Mother of the materi⯑al Incidents he had been engaged in, ſhe, in return, began her Story as follows.

To have you torn from my Arms, to be brought up as a Gipſy, ſhock'd me ſo eſſentially, I reſolv'd to quit the hor⯑rid Crew. I found an Aſſylum at an elderly Gentleman's, a Batchelor, his Name was Sear, he had made a great Figure formerly in the Beau Monde; and had enjoyed, as he often told me himſelf, all the fine Women of his Age; for he was a vaſt Wit, and it was not then, as it is now, impoſſible for a Man to be a Wit, and a fine Gentleman to⯑gether. He had been a perfect Hero in his Time; he kept the very beſt Com⯑pany, ſpent two great Eſtates, and was the Terror of all the London Watchmen. His Courage and Generoſity were im⯑menſe; and ſuch a Spirit,—my God— why he'd make nothing of betting 500 l. at a Horſe-race; but ſuch is the Fate of all ſublunary Beings; he, who uſed to keep three or four Coaches and Six, had now only a Foot-walk to keep him; for when I began my Connection with him, [24]he was only an Exciſeman; but, like Deſdemona, I lov'd him for the Dan⯑gers he had paſſed.

I was indeed younger than I am now; but I had not acquired that Eaſe of Fi⯑gure I at preſent enjoy. Yet it ſeems, the Infancy of my Bloom made an Im⯑preſſion on his Heart. In this Cohabi⯑tation I exiſted about half a Year; and, by way of Amuſement, I inſtructed an elderly Lady's Foot-boy (in whom I diſ⯑cover'd a vaſt Genius) to write and read.

Mr. Sear, my Spouſe, having Notice that his Friend and Patron, the Collec⯑tor, wou'd be down in a Day or two, inform'd me of it. I was therefore more than ordinary aſſiduous about my Ap⯑pearance, when I knew ſo great a Man as the Collector was to wait upon us; for modern Examples, as well as antient Hiſtory, had inform'd me, a handſome Wife was a Huſband's Sheet-Anchor; therefore, for my Spouſe's Sake, I prac⯑tis'd all my Attractions. But I had been given up before-hand—for the Lad, whom, I obſerv'd to you, I took under Inſtructions, diſcloſed a horrid Plot to me; it ſeems my preſent Incumbent had agreed to part with me, provided the Collector liked me; this Proviſo ſhock'd me; I was determin'd to diſappoint [25]them:—Was I not born free? And ſhou'd I be traffick'd for? Nay, left to a Wretch's Option? No.—Had this Gen⯑tleman, or any other Gentleman, in a polite Way, made himſelf Maſter of my Honour; either by ſurprizing me from a Morning's Dream, or ſtealing on me in an Evening's Solitude, it was to be forgiven: But to be offer'd like dead Game, as a Gift; nay, to have the Chance of a Negative:—No—(Pinch 20th) periſh me, if my Soul diſdain'd not the Motion.—I left him—the Lad and I took Places in the Waggon for London. On my Arrival there, I applied for Em⯑ployment among the Bookſellers; and really pick'd up a very pretty Living, by writing Things againſt the Govern⯑ment. Not Child that I was diſaffected —far from it—but we muſt eat;— and any Thing on t'other Side didn't ſell ſo well.

The young Man whom I brought to London, my Adonis as I uſed to call him, ſoon died of a gallopping Conſumpti⯑on; the foul Fogs of London were too heavy for the Delicacy of his Frame. I was inconſolable, nay, ſhou'd certainly have followed him, had not my Land⯑lady introduced a Jew Gentleman to my Acquaintance. He took Lodgings for [26]me at Hachney; and tho' I was under infinite Obligation to him; yet, periſh me, (Pinch 30th) if I cou'd ever aggregate my Ideas to any Complacency for him. I was conſcious he was an Infidel; nor Junior, cou'd I ever have believ'd, that any Exiſtence, ſprung from my Womb, wou'd ſo groſsly have debaſed the Dig⯑nity of his Specie, as you have done, by your Coheſion with this Jew Woman.— For me, I wou'd ſooner go to Bed to a Chriſtian, ſupperleſs, than be kept by the richeſt Wretch in England, that did not believe in the New Teſtament.—I ſoon retreated from ſuch an irreligious Acquaintance.

A Gentleman belonging to the Law had Lodgings in the ſame Houſe we were in. He was a great Free-thinker, and talk'd to me concerning the Eterni⯑ty of Matter, of the Soul's Materiality, and Diviſibility; and why Reaſon and Religion were incompatible. I was faſ⯑cinated with his Diſcourſe, for his Tongue dropp'd Manna. With him I came to London; for he was a Counſellor and ſolicitor in Seſſions Time, at Juſtice Hall; and while he follow'd the Court, I be⯑gan to compile a Treatiſe, on the Ab⯑ſurdity of Faith without Demonſtration. But my Ideas not being ſufficiently ar⯑ranged, [27]the Counſellor, my Spouſe, brought me all the beſt Authors, ſuch as Maſſey's Travels; Woolſton againſt Miracles; Chriſtianity as old as the Cre⯑ation; the Infallibility of human Judg⯑ment; the Oracles of Reaſon; and ſe⯑veral more of the famous Champions of the rational Side of the Queſtion. By their Help I tickled up as pretty a Piece of Metaphyſics, as ever laid Ax to the Root of Prieſt-craft. But before it was publiſhed, ſome Enemies of my Huſband's pretending he had forg'd a Seaman's Will and Powers, had him ta⯑ken up; and we wanting Money at that Time, to do Things as we ſhou'd do in reſpect of Evidence, contrary to the Laws of what ſhou'd be right and wrong, he ſuffer'd.

But I'll leave you to gueſs, my dear Son, how much I was amazed when I came to comfort him the Evening af⯑ter he was caſt, to ſee the New Teſta⯑ment in his Hand.—He,—even he; who had made ſo great a Jeſt of reveal'd Religion in his Proſperity.—I was fright⯑ed to hear him call out for Mercy; wringing his Hands, and crying, What wou'd become of him in the next World? When he uſed, by mathematical Inveſti⯑gations, [28]formerly to prove to me, the Impoſſibility of there being one.

After his Deceaſe, the Ordinary took me as his Houſe-keeper. I then ſup⯑preſs'd my Treatiſe of Materialiſm, and put forth a Diſſertation on the Condition of ſtill-born Infants, in a future State; and dedicated it to the Hutchinſonians. A Romiſh Gentleman, who uſed ſome⯑times to viſit the Priſoners under Sen⯑tence, came often to our Houſe; we had ſeveral logical Diſputes; he fell in Love with me, and promiſed me to turn Pro⯑teſtant, if I wou'd go with him.—To ſave a Soul I did ſo. We went to York together; where Money being ſcarce, he was oblig'd to leave England for trying to make more. He left me big of my third Child. When I was up, having had ſo much Experience, I practiſed Midwifery, for my Genius was always extenſive; but ſtill I ſigh'd for London. Conſcious ſuch a Perſon as I had, and ſuch Abilities ſhou'd not be bury'd in the Country; therefore Ireturn'd to Town, and reſumed my Pen. But the Syſtem of writing was alter'd.—The Town from Politicians were turn'd Electrifiers. I ſoon made myſelf Miſtreſs of every atmoſpherical Experiment. In conſe⯑quence of which, I ſet about a Syſtem, [29]wherein I form'd a Proceſs of extracting from the aetherial Fluid, an efficient Quantity of pure inflamable Rays of Heat; which, when collected into con⯑cave Speculums of different Diameters, placed at right Angles, wou'd form a Focus, ſtrong enough to deſtroy any Enemy's Fleet in Harbour—and I pre⯑ſented this Project to the Sun-fire Office for their Inſpection.

I was prevented from putting my De⯑ſign in Execution, by the Owners of Salt⯑petre, and Gunpowder makers; — they ſetting forth in their Caſe, that as they had, with great Coſt and Pains, and ſolely for the Good of their Country, pre⯑pared Combuſtibles enough to deſtroy the whole World, or any Part thereof, at a Week's Warning: Therefore they remonſtrated, that if Lightning was once brought into common Uſe, all their vaſt Stocks of ready-made Deſtruction wou'd lye dead upon their Hands, to the great Loſs of themſelves and Families.

Then I began a Compendium of Na⯑tural Philoſophy; wherein I prov'd, be⯑yond Contradiction, that there never were ſuch Things as Mermaids. I ſhew'd demonſtratively, that Veſuvius and Mount Hecla, could have no Communication. I proved, that the Indian Way of rub⯑bing [30]two Sticks together, to make Fire, was an Antediluvian Invention. Then I wrote a Hiſtory of the Fly, call'd a Blue Bottle; and a Diſſertation proving the Antiquity of our Marrow-bones and Cleaver Muſic; that they came from the Pyrrhic Dances of the Greeks, ſtriking their Spears and Shields together. And in a Supplement I confuted Mr. Swam⯑merdam; ſhewing, that the Grubs in Lapland are no ways related to the Gnats in Lincolnſhire Fens.—This Work, which would have made ſix Vol. in Fo⯑lio, I intended to have publiſh'd, with ſeveral Copper-plates; but the Graving coming dear, I laid it by, and reſolv'd againſt any more being concern'd in Writings of Conſequence; ſo, juſt to kill Time, I abridged the Works of the Learned.

My Printer's youngeſt Prentice, who uſed to bring me the Proof of Sheets, had acted in ſeveral private Plays, and wou'd often repeat Speeches to me. Now you muſt know, Child, I have a ſtrong theatrical Genius; but not ſo much for Acting, as for writing Plays.—Not but I believe, if the Managers and I could have agreed, I ſhould have exhibited in about half a Score of Cibber's, or Wof⯑fington's, or Pritchard's Parts.—But [31]there happened at this Time to be a Dearth of dramatic Writers, therefore I undertook to manure and fertilize the Theatres.

Don't imagine me vain, Child, I was qualified for this Undertaking. I had read over Ariſtotle, and all the French Critiques; and wou'd have ſuffer'd Mar⯑tyrdom, ſooner than wrote any Thing in Violation of the Unities. I am conſci⯑ous Shakeſpear's Writings are crept into ſome Eſtimation. Yet you ſee no dra⯑matic Writer now chuſes to copy him— his Flights are bold, but very irregular, to be ſure. Indeed, conſidering the Time he lived in, and his being unac⯑quainted with the Claſſics, ſome of his Pieces are pretty enough,—but rude tho',—his Clowns for Inſtance—they are abſolutely incongruous, to the Politeſſe of the French Drama; for it muſt be granted, that every Thing which is quite comic, muſt be quite low; there⯑fore not fit for the Delicacy of the Boxes —ſo I turn'd the Merry Wives of Wind⯑ſor into a Tragedy,—got a great Man's Letter, and it was put into Rehearſal.

The firſt Thing I had then to do, was to inſert proper Paragraphs in the Pa⯑pers; for Advertiſements are as neceſſary to prepare the Town, as Phyſic is before [32]Inoculation. Puffing for a Thing, is as eſſential as the Thing itſelf.—I have, in my Time, puffed three or four Players into very good Salaries.—I ſcorn to ca⯑lumniate.—But what did I ever get in Return?—Not this Pinch of Straſbourg, periſh me.—No matter!—Gratitude is not a concomitant Characteriſtic in thea⯑tric Breaſts.

Her Majeſty's Death ſhutting up the Houſes, my Tragedy was poſtpon'd— but hold, I am premature in my Story. I was mentioning about our Printer's Prentice rehearſing ſeveral Parts of Plays with me. One Day, by a Fatality the greateſt Metaphyſician never cou'd ac⯑count for, as we were performing the Couch Scene of Loveleſs and Berinthia, I granted him the laſt Favour. Some⯑what hung over me, impelling me, as it were, and made ſuch Actions unavoi⯑dable. His Youth and Eagerneſs made me forgive him; his Obedience and Aſ⯑ſiduity made me doat on him.

As ſoon as he was out of his Time, we were lawfully marry'd; till unluckily taking Lodgings for the Air in Moor⯑feilds, he became acquainted with ſome of the Tabernacle Preachers there; they thunder'd ſo much in his Head about Sin, and ſuch Stuff, I was forced to put [33]him among the Incurables. I then found a Friend, in the Gentleman with whom I am at preſent. He's a Phyſician,—it is true indeed he travels:—What then? 'Tis his Humanity only that wakes him keep a Stage. People in every Town preſs him to ſettle with them; but as I and my Huſband tell them, if he was confin'd to one Spot, what muſt become of the reſt of England? For Country Doctors and Apothecaries are ſo igno⯑rant,—my God! And yet to ſee the Force of Genius: The Doctor took it all himſelf, he was not bred up to it: His Father is only a Ticket Porter.—What then? The Parent of Socrates made Barbers Blocks.

CHAP. VI.

THE next Day Junior and his La⯑dy prepared to ſet forward. But as Mrs. Slymſtraat was putting up her Things, ſhe diſcovered the Doctor's Wife and the Merry Andrew in a too familiar Converſation.

When Junior heard of this, he took his Mother aſide, to expoſtulate with her: But ſhe interrupted him, ſaying,— Child, there is an eſſential Diſtinction be⯑tween voluntary Sin, and the Neceſſity of acting. As for what happened between me and Robin, it was no more than an Accident of Matter; I was loſt in Re⯑flection. It was not criminal in me, I was merely paſſive, therefore not cul⯑pable, becauſe not intentionally guilty: But as for that Infidel to reproach me with want of Taſte; me,—no Junior, I love you as much as a Mother ought, but never ſee my Face again, unleſs you part from that Unbeliever. Then in⯑ſtantly bridling herſelf up, ſhe ſtalk'd out of the Room with the Straddle, Toſs, and Importance of an Haymarket Signiora, after finiſhing a Da Capo.

[35] Junior appeared at Tunbridge to be quite the Thing. He dreſs'd gay, drank deeply, play'd high, ſwore ele⯑gantly, and ſung drolly. He was Ma⯑ſter of Arts in Sentiment-making; had all Odds ad Unguem. As for the Pedi⯑gree of a Plate Horſe, he was a critical Genealogiſt.

He took Care to make much Parade of his Honour, therefore was thought to be one of very ſtrict Principle:—For it was his Maxim, that, according to the firſt Impreſſion which you make upon the Company, thro' that Medium you will be afterwards look'd at.

Among the many Perſonages who ex⯑hibited themſelves at the Wells that Sea⯑ſon, there was a Perſon, who by his Addreſs ſeem'd to be a Gentleman. He was allow'd to be a very ſenſible Man, by an Obſervation or two which he made at a Picture Sale, the Day he came down.—He was allow'd to be very rich too—Yet ſo great an Oddity, he never went to the Gaming Table, rarely to the Tavern, and then not a Word of Politics ſlipt from him.—He ſeem'd very fond of reading, which made the very polite Company there fancy he had crack'd his Brain by Study.

[36]The inquiſitive Club had been very buſy in enquiring after him.—A Club, where Scandal,—but why ſhou'd Spleen fall from a Poet's Pen?—No; it is proper ſome People ſhou'd meddle with other Peoples Buſineſs. It is the Duty we owe our Country, a Duty we owe our Neigh⯑bours, a Duty we own ourſelves, to be aſſiduous in our Queſtions; not only concerning Perſons we don't know, but more eſpecially to examine into every Report that is propagated of Intrigue, or Male-practices, in our Friends and thoſe we do know.

Junior, whoſe Scheme was to make all the Acquaintance he cou'd among money'd Men, judg'd this Gentleman well worth knowing; and ſoon made the Stranger's Temper his Study.—For like Alcibiades, Jack cou'd be any thing, with any Man.

But what is Tom Fool doing all this while? Why, muſt the Hiſtory of a Sharper,—a dull Copy of Count Fathom, be retail'd upon the Reader. Is it judg⯑ment to ſuffer the principal Character in this Epic to be idle ſo long, and let an Epiſode in Bulk exceed the grand Hiſ⯑tory? When Tom Fool was in Goal, no⯑thing cou'd be expected from him: But now he is married, every thing is ex⯑pected—by [37]various People; thus has the Editor been queſtioned. All his reply was—Patience.—Mr. Fool, like other new-married Gentlemen, is waiting in his white Gloves, Maſter of the Cere⯑monies at the Ladies Levee.—We'll therefore let him alone, until the viſiting Week is over, and attend upon Mr. Saltern, (that is the ſtrange Gentleman's Name) and Junior, who were thus con⯑verſing together.

I have met with many Diſappoint⯑ments, Sir.

Diſappointments are as incidental as Colds; and moſt Perſons are equally ready to preſcribe for both.—Be Judge, Sir, how I have been diſappointed.

When I was a Youth; by the flattery of my Tutors and Dependants, I was made to believe my own Underſtanding ſuperior to the reſt of Mankind, there⯑fore was reſolv'd to ſpare no Coſts, or Pains, till I had acquired that high and mighty ſelf-ſufficient Title; A Man of univerſal Knowledge.

After I had pleas'd myſelf with reflect⯑ing on my Plan, as Maidens do of Ma⯑trimony, I began to put it in Execution. Having the Good of my Country at [38]Heart, I intended to get a Seat in Parlia⯑ment, therefore immediately apply'd myſelf to the Study of Eloquence. But Tully, in his Treatiſe upon Rhetoric, doubting whether Oratory was more an Advantage or Detriment to the State, I became irreſolute;—nay, ſoon relin⯑quiſh'd it, deſpairing to excel in what Cicero was found Fault with, both by Brutus and Quintilian.

Yet bent to purſue the Good of my Country, I attended Borough Jobbing. but a Change in the Miniſtry forcing me to have all my Work to do over again, I grew tired of ſo precarious an Employment; went once more to my Books, and immerſed myſelf in ancient Philoſophy.—What a Parcel of Abſur⯑dities did I there meet with! Every Fel⯑low at that time of Day, with an over⯑heated Imagination, or poſſeſs'd of inve⯑terate Rancour, ſet up for a Syſtem-maker. There required not much Ca⯑pital to begin with; they open'd their Opinions, and the World at once be⯑came their Cuſtomers. For altho' there is not any thing to be conceiv'd more ridiculous, than what the Sectariſts of all Ages have in their Turns aſſerted; yet ſuch is the Weakneſs, Wilfulneſs, and Vanity of human Kind, they are [39]ſure to find Followers, Believers, and Defenders.

Like a Town Lady, on her firſt Coun⯑try Viſit, I ſoon grew tired of my Com⯑pany; ſhifted my Quarters into the planetary Syſtem, and found the Study of Aſtronomy very much to my Satis⯑faction. I lectured upon the Orrery, explain'd Attraction, ſettled the Comets Routs, accounted for the Winds and Tides, pervaded thro' the milky Way, aſſign'd Cauſes à Priori, and boldly and technically anſwer'd for all the Motions of the Univerſe.

I grew very fond of the Diſcoveries I made nightly in the Moon: For having Stevelius's Map of that Planet; by that, and from what he had wrote upon it, cou'd by the help of my Glaſſes, ſee very plainly upon her Surface, Rivers, Rocks, Towns, Trees, and Churches. But af⯑terwards, reading Hugenius, he contra⯑dicted all the Moonland Diſcoveries; nay, proves it is not poſſible for us to diſcover any Objects on her Diſk. I confeſs, after weighing his Arguments, all my former pretty Proſpects vaniſh'd;—I cou'd not find one Picture on the Moon's Face, I had formerly fancy'd there.—Away went my Teleſcopes.

[40]Then I became eager to ſtudy Hiſ⯑tory: But by their own Accounts, anci⯑ent Authors are not much to be depended upon, and Moderns too often miſled by the Rage of Party, religious Prejudices, or Partialities to their own Country. Determined no more to depend on what others had ſaid, but reſolv'd to ſearch into the Nature of Things myſelf, I erected a Laboratory. I was at firſt fond of Galen,—till meeting with the Work of Paracelſus,—left off my firſt Maſter:—But I as ſoon grew ſick of the Second; when I found even this Para⯑celſus, who ridicules Galen ſo much, and who promiſed himſelf vaſt Riches and Longevity from his rare Secrets, die inſolvent between forty and fifty. From him, I turn'd to Van Helmont; but read⯑ing his Proceſs upon the four Porters,—I threw all my chymical Volumes into the Furnace, gave the whole Furniture of my Laboratory to the Work-houſe, and turn'd my Speculations to Phyſic. That I did not attend long, diſguſted at not being able to account for animal Secretion.

In vain I read, and it was as much in vain for me to enquire: They told me indeed, that the Stomach, like the Load⯑ſtone, was poſſeſs'd of occult Qualities. [41]That I granted, but was determin'd not to purſue a Study, where we cou'd not come to a Demonſtration of its firſt and grand Principle.

To diſſipate the Chagreen, which the Inſufficiency of theſe Purſuits had occa⯑ſion'd, I undertook Muſic. When I heard the Compoſitions of the great Ma⯑ſters, they tranſported me; I no longer wonder'd at the extravagant Effects Poets aſcrib'd to the Power of Sounds. I im⯑mediately became Conſort Hunter;—ſtudied Compoſitions, and cou'd reliſh no Companions, but thoſe who under⯑ſtood the Nature of Uniſons; but was ve⯑ry much ſurpriz'd to find that moſt muſical Performers look'd with Diſdain on the Profeſſors of every Art and Science but their own. Yet, except in their own, they are the moſt incurious and unenter⯑taining of any other Artiſts. Nay, even in the very Branch they excel, you muſt tire yourſelf with requeſting, before they'll exhibit: But when once they be⯑gin, they know not how to ſtop, but are as palling, by doing too much, as they were diſguſtful before by not doing any thing. I bid adieu to the Gamut, leaſt it ſhou'd lead me into the ſame Infatuation.

My next Attempt was extremely amuſing.—I ſtudied Painting and [42]Sculpture, but was ſhock'd at the un⯑friendly Treatment, ſeveral Men of Me⯑rit-gave their Contemporaries.

I had like to have tumbled over Head and Ears into the Tide of Taſte, and be⯑come Picture-fancier, Auction-hunter, and Connoiſſeur. But as I had ſtudied with⯑out travelling, my Opinions were not of equal Weight, with thoſe who had tra⯑vell'd without ſtudying.

The better to judge of Sculpture, and ſome parts of Painting, I found it ne⯑ceſſary to apply myſelf to Anatomy; and as that, in ſome Meaſure, is connected with both natural and experimental Phi⯑loſophy, I ſoon gave myſelf up entirely to the Inveſtigations of Nature. I dragg'd the Ditches for Embryo's, com⯑mitted Burglary upon the Habitations of half-form'd Inſects, ſtripp'd Trees of their Moſs, examin'd Puff-balls, and ſearch'd for the Heads of Snake Stones.

I have ſeen, Sir, the Circulation of Blood in a Frog's Toes, Spider's Leg; and a Shrimp's Tail. I have counted the Number of blue Animals a Sloe has upon its Surface, and knew accurately, what Pen-feathers there were in a But⯑terfly's Wing.

Many curious Obſervations have I made upon Duck-weed, and Dung⯑hill-water, [43]and the ſeveral Animalcula in each.

I have impaled Gnats upon Pins, to try how long they cou'd live without eating. Have preſs'd Wood-lice and Silk-worms to Death, to diſcover their ſeminal Ani⯑malcula; and deſtroy'd many Colonies of Ants, to be certain whether they did, or did not bite off the Ends of the Corn. I have attended the microſcopical Diſſec⯑tions of Bugs, to reſolve that grand Debate among the Learned; whether they were or were not Hermaphrodites. I have alſo open'd Batts, to authenticate what Genius they ſhou'd be claſs'd un⯑der, Birds, or Beaſts.

Do you think, Sir, theſe Studies benefit the Underſtanding.

Yes, Sir,—juſt as much as making your Fences in the Chineſe Manner wou'd improve your Eſtate.—Yet ſo far is Prejudice prevailing, that were we to deride ſuch Purſuits, all the minute Phi⯑loſophers wou'd be alarm'd, and our Treatment wou'd be as ſevere, as if at Madrid, we ſhou'd reaſon againſt Saint-worſhiping.—I own, I have been aſto⯑niſh'd at beholding Millions of Beings, ſmaller than the ſmalleſt Grain of Sand; [44]ſkimming upon the Water, ſailing along the Air, and circulating in our fineſt Fluids. I aſk'd myſelf ſeriouſly what theſe cou'd be for.—That For, was my Gordian Knot.

I determin'd to find out a Man of Senſe, to whom I cou'd communicate my Doubts; and by comparing our O⯑pinions, we might come to know, why, and for what End theſe Things were ſo.—I related my Deſign to the only ſur⯑viving Relation I have, a prodigious Humouriſt.

When he had heard me out,—he ſhook his Head, (methinks I ſee him now) and reply'd,—Oh, Nephew, Ne⯑phew, before you endeavour to account for the Deity's Actions, regulate your own. Don't begin the Study of Wiſdom at the wrong End; like ſome of our Folks of Faſhion, who are ſent Abroad, before they ſee their own Country.—Receive Things as they are, uſe them as they ſhou'd be; employ your Talents in praiſe-worthy Exerciſes; but throw not away your Time in vain Specula⯑tions, like the thirſty Lunatic, who, when he arrived at a River, inſtead of quench⯑ing his Thirſt, loſt himſelf in looking for the Spring-head.

[45]I made him a Bow, thanked him for his Advice, promis'd him to conſider of it, but left the Room, and my Pro⯑miſe behind me;—like a Lover, who requeſts his Friend's Opinion, tho' he is already determin'd—I ſet out upon my Travels immediately, to ſearch for a Man of Senſe.

I knew Nature not partial to Birth; therefore fancy'd Underſtanding, like Beauty, might be found among the meaneſt; and began my Enquiry among the Shepherds, and Labourers;—but found them as reaſonleſs, as the Cattle they tended. They poſſeſs'd a low Cun⯑ning, which anſwer'd all their Ends.

Poets indeed amuſe us, Sir, with fine Stories about paſtorial Simplicity,— Innocence might go to Market in Ar⯑cadia; but in England's Country Towns, Vice and Folly are as well receiv'd, as in any Pariſh within the Bills of Morta⯑lity; except that of playing at Cards on a Sunday. Tho' theſe Country People jump, run, ring, wreſtle, and play at Foot-ball on the Eve of the ſame Day.

Then I viſited their Maſters;—but I was ſtill at Fault.—Market-day Meet⯑ings rubb'd off a little of their Ruſti⯑cities; [46]yet they were not thoroughly humaniz'd:—One Day every Week they were drunk; once in ſeven Years, Mad; and every Year at Law. From them I took a Turn to the Country Squires; but they are only Farmers with fine Cloaths on.

All the Diſtinction I cou'd make be⯑tween them, was, the Man of 100 l.per Ann. cou'd kill Game, and they who paid him his Rent were perſecuted, if they kept a Gun in the Houſe.

I then paid my Reſpects to the Coun⯑try Gentlemen. Cou'd I have been ſa⯑tisfied among the laſt, I might have hung up my Shield;—but I wanted ſomething more,—like a nice Lady of my Acquaintance; who reſolv'd never to marry, till ſhe cou'd meet a Man without a Fault; liv'd ſingle till 56, and then run away with her Brother's hump⯑back'd Poſtillion,

In the Winter, I came up to London, and took Lodgings in Pall-mall. And as my Search had hitherto been confin'd to my own Sex, I reſolv'd now to dedi⯑cate ſome Time to the Ladies, ſince I found myſelf in the Neighbourhood of ſo many beautiful Aſſemblages. Scarcely had I form'd a proper Acquaintance among them, before it almoſt determin'd [47]me to give over my Purſuit after a Man of Senſe, and fix on one of the many amiable Women I had convers'd with, as a Partner for Life;—but I was too irreſolute:—I ſaw too many; and what was worſe, ſaw them too often. I was weaned from my Thoughts, when I be⯑held the moſt elegant Figures, and the fineſt Underſtandings, ſacrificed to the Irregularities of Faſhion. I began to think my Uncle right; and cou'd not help confeſſing; that altho' Women, and Wiſdom, are the worthieſt Objects of our Admirations; yet too much. Speculation is ever attended with In⯑felicity.

I paid my Attendance to the Men in Power. But as the Ladies gave up their Merits to the Mode,—Jealouſy jaun⯑dic'd the fair Face of the great Men's Perfections.

I remov'd into the City, and directed my Inqueſt among the Men of Buſineſs. Here I met many praiſe-worthy Acquain⯑tance. The moſt of thoſe I convers'd with, I found to be ſenſible, knowing and ſociable:—Yet few, very few, valued themſelves upon what they were really excellent in; or cou'd be quiet while they were happy. Some I ſay, who af⯑ter accumulating large Eſtates, by in⯑credible [48]Induſtry, or as incredible good Fortune, were infected by the Epidemic of Taſte, and commenc'd Connoiſſeurs: Others far gone in a Fondneſs for Qua⯑lity, either to be allied, or even ac⯑quainted with Nobility, wou'd laviſh all their former Gettings: A third Sort, who had from among Dangers, Hardſhips, and Hazards, gather'd a happy Inde⯑pendance, ſtung by the Venom of Par⯑ty wou'd ſquander it all to purchaſe a Seat in Parliament, altho' there they never ſpoke, nor were ever properly ſpoke to.

Reſolving not to give over my Search, I aſſociated with the Men of Repartee; but their Inattention to ſocial Duties ſhock'd me: They are ſuch Enthuſiaſts in Rallery, that, like Ben the Sailor, they muſt have their Joke thof the Ship was ſinking. Friends, as well as Foes, are ſure to ſuffer if they come within the way of their Wit; like the drunken Prize⯑fighter, who cut and ſlaſh'd every one round him, to ſhow People how finely he cou'd flouriſh.

Still reſolute in my Inquiry, I deter⯑min'd to follow Nature, tho' ſhe was earth'd in a Night-cellar. I was intro⯑duc'd among the Choice Spirits, as they call themſelves:—Their Spirits were [49]choice indeed:—They live the Life of thoſe Inſects, who are bred, brought to Maturity, and die within 24 Hours. For all that theſe ſing-ſong, ſtory telling, mimic Exiſtences pretend to, is but to eat, drink, and divert for the Day. Ne⯑ceſſity their ruling Paſſion, a Tavern. Teat their ſummum bonum.

Yet among theſe, ſometimes you meet with the Glimmerings of Merit, tho' ſod⯑den'd by the Dregs of Debauch.

But it often thus happens, that even real Genius ſhall ſo far debaſe itſelf, as to proſtitute the Bounties of Nature like ſupperleſs Street-walkers, to a Set of People, whoſe only Qualifications are, they can pay the Reckoning.

After laughing at theſe, and the reſt of Mankind, I began to look back on my paſt Adventures, by way of Recri⯑mination; but I was not then ſo much pleas'd as I expected to be; I found I had been a Bubble to my own Self-ſufficiency; that I had ſet out to ſeek an Impoſſibility, —expecting to meet with a Man who ſhou'd exceed me in Underſtanding; and yet as I was to be Judge, my own Vanity wou'd always prevent me from giving a true Verdict. Upon Reflection, I found I had only taken Man in the Groſs; that they had all a Sufficiency of [50]Underſtanding, to anſwer the Purpoſes they were intended for; that I was not half the Man of Senſe I imagin'd my⯑ſelf to be; and that, from a ſuperficial Knowledge of the World, I had deſpis'd ſeveral Perſons who had a greater Right to hold me in Contempt.

To-morrow, Mr. Junior, I ſet out for an Eſtate I have in South-Wales, and if you are diſengag'd, and will waſte a Month with me, a hearty Welcome ſhall ſupply the Place of much Ceremony. In Wales, Sir, you'll meet with Perſons, I dare ſay, worth your Acquaintance. For altho' they are not as much pa⯑troniz'd as the People of neighbouring Principalities, (and their Mountains in⯑deed produce not Peruvian Treaſure) yet the hardy Inhabitants inherit Virtues, that wou'd lend a Luſtre to the beſt Birth⯑day Dreſs, at the moſt brilliant Court in Chriſtendom.

Junior accepted the Invitation, pro⯑poſing to himſelf many Opportunities for private Play, which he knew how to make beneficial. But on the ſecond Af⯑ternoon of their Travelling, Mr. Saltern's Horſe threw him, which oblig'd them to lay by for a Day or two.

CHAP. VII.

JUNIOR after ſeeing his Friend blooded, and put to Bed, retired; and according to the modern Cuſtom of ſolo Travellers, order'd a Room, and bid the Drawer ſend in his Maſter and a Bottle of Claret.

As ſoon as they made their Appear⯑ance, Junior ordering the Landlord to be ſeated, enquir'd if that Gentlewoman in the Bar was the Innkeeper's Spouſe; who reply'd in the Affirmative.

She's a very fine Woman Landlord; won't ſhe take a Glaſs with us.

I hope Sir you'll excuſe her at preſent, ſhe's very buſy, but ſhe ſhall wait upon you at Supper, Sir.

I inſiſt then ſhe ſhall pledge us where ſhe is.—Waiter, carry a Bottle of Claret, with my Compliments to your Miſtreſs.

I humbly thank your Honour; but why ſhou'd ſhe put your Honour to ſo much Charge; tho' to be ſure, if ſhe does love any Liquor better than ano⯑ther, it is Claret: If your Honour had [52]been bred and born with her, as the Song ſays, you cou'd not have pleaſed her better.

How long have you been married, Landlord?

Four Years come Lammas, Sir.

A Man muſt be vaſtly happy with ſuch a Wife.

Happy, Sir, I don't believe there's never a Gentleman in a hundred Miles, lives happier with his Wife than I do, Sir: I give her her way in every Thing, only juſt in laying out a little Money.—We are apt to ſquabble about that now and then,—but its ſoon over:—I get out of the Way, for when once ſhe begins ſcolding, there's no ſtopping her.—There will be Words in all Families, Sir; ſo I let her tattle, and I go and buy her ſome Nick-nack, and that ſweetens her, and ſhe's as pleaſant as a cool Tankard.

She looks to be very fit for a Bar⯑keeper.

Ay, Sir, tho' I ſay it, there wou'dn't be a better Barkeeper in the World, if [53]ſhe wou'd but give her Mind to it, and ſo I tell her ſometimes, for when our Houſe is full of Company, ſhe'll gallop ye twenty Miles after a Hare or a new Faſhion, then we have a few Words in⯑deed, or elſe we live as happily as the Day is long.

She ſeems to be a very handy Woman.

I can't ſay as to that, Sir, ſhe's very well in every Thing elſe to be ſure; but as to ſtirring about her Buſineſs, ſhe hates it, ſhe'll jigg it after a Fiddle for four and twenty Hours together; but tir'd to Death if ſhe puts out her Hand only to fold up a Table Cloth.

She looks to be very good-humour'd.

Her Temper's a little uneven now and then, that's all ſhe's to blame for: The Servants ſeldom do any Thing to pleaſe her, nor I neither; but there's nobody without their Faults, ſhe wou'dn't have one in the World if ſhe didn't ſulk it ſo. But ſhe'll ſometimes go about the Houſe for a Week together taking the Ruſt, as the Jockies ſay; and then I ſay, Bett, How can you bear Ill-will ſo long? That's ſure to bring her to her Tongue; [54]for ſhe hates to be call'd Bett. So then ſhe begins to rate me—but I hark to cover: Faith lock myſelf into the Cyder⯑cellar, and there am ſnugg as an earth'd Fox; and ſo, Sir, my Service to you.

I fancy ſhe's a very agreeable Com⯑panion.

Yes, Sir, ſhe can talk indeed, and does talk to—only ſhe's apt to talk a lit⯑tle too much, and then ſhe let's her Tongue run about her own Town's Folks ſo—but this happens only when ſhe gets a Glaſs too much; and yet I love to ſee her in Company; ſhe never baulks her Glaſs; it's Pity ſhe lets it get the bet⯑ter of her ſo.

I am afraid then that Bottle will be too much for her.

No, Sir, begging your Honour's Par⯑don, ſhe has not ſuch a weak Head as that comes to neither; if ſhe wou'd but be good-natur'd when ſhe's elevated; but the Devil on 'tis—a ſudden Up⯑roar in the Street ſtopp'd the Converſa⯑tion; Junior lifting up the Saſh, ſaw a Pariſh Beadle driving before him a poor ragged Figure, with a Child ſwath'd [55]to her Back; the Fellow rudely thruſt⯑ing his Fiſt againſt the Infant, as he puſh'd the Mother along. The Cries of the Child hurry'd Junior into the Street, and he enquired why the poor Creature was uſed ſo.

She's a Vagrant, reply'd the Officer, and ſhe wanted to die in our Bounds; and ſhe's a Cheat, and fainted away juſt now, on Purpoſe to leave her Baſtard upon us.

Perhaps (replied Junior) ſhe fainted thro' Want. Indeed I did, Sir, the poor Sufferer reply'd very feebly, and turning her Head towards Junior as ſhe ſpoke, he obſerved ſomething of Ele⯑gance in her Face, tho' it was pale; her Eye brows were regularly arch'd, her Eyes black, and inexpreſſibly lan⯑guiſhing. He cou'd not alſo help taking Notice of the Evenneſs and fine Poliſh of her Teeth, and between the diſhe⯑vell'd Partings of her Hair, he ſaw a Neck of a moſt extraordinary Whiteneſs.

Junior, tho' not ſtrictly a Man of Ho⯑nour, now and then had Touches of thoſe ſubordinate Virtues, Generoſity and Compaſſion.—He therefore deter⯑min'd to relieve her, ſent off the Beadle, and went with her himſelf to a mother⯑ly Woman's Houſe, called Goody Wen, [56]to whom he was recommended by the Neighbours.

The Report of this Piece of Humani⯑ty reach'd the Inn before Junior's Re⯑turn. Mr. Saltern congratulated him upon it, and on the Conqueſt he had made; for, continued he, I am certain, by the manner in which my Landlady related it to me, ſhe's fond of you. Wo⯑men are more forward to admire or re⯑ward Actions of Generoſity than our Sex: She is of a very ſanguine Complexion, and you ſee what a Wretch ſhe has for a Huſband; for want of ſomething bet⯑ter to do I made her Maid tell me her whole Hiſtory.

She was bred up in that old Hall we were admiring when my Horſe threw me. The Houſe-keeper's Daughter, but at ſeventeen, having added one to the Poſterity of Adam, without aſking Leave legally for it, ſhe was diſcharg'd. Our Landlord was Butler; he marry'd her, and the Squire bought this Houſe for them. She's now but twenty-four, and if I am not extravagant in my Gueſ⯑ſes, Junior, ſhe's your own. She has been ſo full of your Praiſes, it muſt be ſo—at leaſt I beg you'll try, if it be on⯑ly to ſatisfy me, how far I am right as to reading of Woman-kind.

[57]When Junior came down, he found in the fore Parlor his Landlady, with ſeveral Town's Folks.

As he enter'd, ſhe roſe up ſmiling; and in a pretty liſping manner addreſs'd him, with—dear Sir, well to be ſure you'll go to Heaven, I wiſh all Gentle⯑men were like you.—Lord, Sir, to have ſo much Charity upon ſuch a forlorn Creature.

To be ſure, Sir, you are one of the beſt Gentlemen that ever liv'd, and yet to ſee ſome Folks—that Gentleman came to know the Truth of it; for you was told, wa'ant you, Doctor, that the Beggar woman was the Gentleman's Wife, and how he had left her, and plunder'd her of all ſhe had, and ſo ſhe lighted on him by Chance, and ſo he gave her ſome Gold for Huſh-money.

Mr. Opifer reply'd, he had heard ſo, but the Story was not properly digeſted; for as the animal Spirits are more heat⯑ed in the ſecretory Veſſels of ſome Peo⯑ple, than of others, they ſee Things in different or adverſe Mediums. Now, Sir (turning to Junior) I am always neu⯑tral in my Judgment, until I have ana⯑lytically conſider'd the Ingredients of every Report. For it is an eſtabliſh'd Poſtulalum with me; and not only with [58]me, but with moſt of the great Men of Antiquity, never to believe any thing till we can be aſſur'd of its Credibility; as Hypocrates obſerves, in his forty-ninth Aphoriſm.

Another of the Company (whoſe Ink⯑horn dangling from his Button-hole, de⯑noted his Profeſſion) rapping his Knuc⯑kles hard againſt the Table; call'd out —now God forgive my Sins, if I didn't hear that this Gentleman, begging his Pardon—but that the Woman did pick his Pockets to be ſure,—Yes, indeed, of his Watch, and ſo he did ſeize her coming to Town.

Mr. Illicit the Attorney declared, he had the Caſe ſtated three or four diffe⯑rent Ways to him; and with Submiſſion, he cou'd not tell what to decree in it.— To be ſure Charity was not againſt the Statutes; but then to give away ſuch a Sum a five Guineas, merely out of Compaſſion! He muſt demur to that; it was contrary to all Law or Equity. But however, Sir, your Health.—I have been in London myſelf, and have had all the fine Girls there; ha Land⯑lord, you have heard me ſay ſo before; and they have all their Ups and Downs, and ſo I reſt my Plea upon that.—The Gentleman has ſeen her before, or elſe [59]he looks to be a Gentleman of too much Senſe, to throw away ſuch a Sum as five Guineas to encourage Beggars, not⯑withſtanding ſo many Laws to the con⯑trary.

As when all ermin'd and emboſs'd, glittering with foil Stones and ſpun Glaſs, in Sultana State, the high Salary Ac⯑treſs is ſeated in the green Room, ſhou'd ſome inferior allowanced Lady dare to thwart her High Mightineſs, with even a Hint about Equality of Merit, ſudden her Imperialneſs wou'd ariſe, and darting the Scowl-Theatric at the Pattin-wear⯑ing Rival, majeſtically more out of the Room, like Dido's Ghoſt, ſilent and ſullen.

Thus Junior gave the Lawyer the Look contemptuous; and deſiring the Landlady to bring him a Bowl of Rack up Stairs, order'd the Waiter to ſhow him into his own Room.

After he had ſlapp'd to the Door, the Company ſat ſtaring at one another, like a Parcel of imperfect Actors. At laſt the Landlady declared, ſhe was ſure and ſorry that the Gentleman was ſo affronted; and how do we know, but he may be ſome Nobleman in Diſguiſe, of ſome great Man, perhaps, belonging to the Government.

[60]As ſure as Saint Winifred, and ſo he is (reply'd the Squire of the Square-root) and one of our Mary's Relations.

Mr. Illicit, with a Sneer, enquired if Mary's Relations were all great People?

Yes, by God's Bleſſing and good Grace, they are all ſo; ay, and have all Coats of Arms too, as well as my Family.

Unluckily the Lawyer interrupted him; by obſerving, that ſome People pretended to Coats of Arms, yet wanted Arms to their Coats. Fleſh and Blood cou'd not bear this; he flung his Fiſt full upon Mr. Illicit's Face; the aſtoniſh'd Lawyer ſtarted up like a Cock that's chained; and darting his Arms out ſtrait, by way of keeping off Blows, he entangled his Fingers in Mr. Aprice's Hair: Aprice ruſhing forward drove Mr. Illicit into a Corner; and there the Exciſeman's Head, like a battering Ram, butted and rebut⯑ted againſt the Lawyer's Chin. The Welchman ſpringing upon his Toes at every ſtroke, Mr. Illicit's Teeth gnaſh'd lamentably, and the hinder Part of his Skull ſtriking againſt the Wainſcot, ſounded diſmal.

The Apothecary mounted himſelf by a Chair's Help on a Table, at the other End of the Room, with two Candles [61]in his Hands, to ſee, and ſhow them fair Play.—The Landlord ſtole away, to call the Exciſeman's Wife; and the Landlady ſtood ſhrieking, claſping her Arms round a large China Bowl ſhe had ſnatch'd up.

In the Corner, where the Heat of Bat⯑tle roar'd, happen'd to be a Veſſel, which for Delicacy-ſake is named a Look⯑ing-glaſs. Whether the Combatants overſet the Veſſel, or the Veſſel over⯑threw them, is yet undetermin'd. Cer⯑tain it is, they were all three rolling on the Floor together; but Aprice ſoon got aſtride Mr. Illicit; forcibly his Blows fell upon the Lawyer; when Mrs. Aprice entering, came ſuddenly behind her Huſ⯑band, ſeiz'd his Arms, and obtain'd in an Inſtant a Ceſſation of Fiſts.

The Doctor, who had all this while manfully maintain'd his Poſt, as Candle-bearer to the Combatants, now deſcend⯑ed, and proffer'd his Service to Mr. Illicit, chirurgically;—but the Lawyer ſwore he wou'dn't join Iſſue with any of um;—but he wou'd have Revenge;— He'd let them ſee what it was to ſtrike a ſworn Attorney, for all his Eyes were cloſed at preſent. He was oblig'd to be led Home, wet, bruiſed, and blinded: The Landlady went out to obey Mr. [62] Junior's Order; and the Gentleman of vulgar Fractions remain'd Maſter of the Field of Battle.

The Diſtributer of Medicines then be⯑gan to obſerve, how wrong-headed Mr. Illicit was, in not ſuffering his Bruiſes to be dreſs'd; hinting ſomewhat about Inflammations, tumefy'd Fleſh, Fiſſures, Fevers, and Phlebotomy.

Now it was ſaid, that Mr. Opifer, and Madam Aprice, had been naught toge⯑ther; but that the Doctor was incon⯑ſtant, having Hopes to meet with a more agreeable Patient in the Landlady. This Mrs. Aprice had great Suſpicion of: She had long time kept herſelf to herſelf, but now was reſolv'd to give Vent to her Indignation.

Her Huſband had, from what ſome⯑times his Neighbours ſaid, great Jea⯑louſies about his Wife; and Mr. Opifer, and he alſo, was then determin'd to have it out. The Wife's Blood was up, the Huſband's Blood was up, and after ſome Altercation, they ſet Mr. Opi⯑fer's Blood up.

He hit Madam in the Teeth with ſome Particulars, which no Man cou'd be ſuppos'd to have known, but her Huſ⯑band.—She flew at him;—he fled from [63]her: She ſeiz'd the Knots of his Tye Wig; he left it in her Hands, (as a Bird eſcapes with the Loſs of his Tail-feathers) and run out of the Room; the Huſband and Wife after him; they overtook him in the Entry; the Exciſeman be⯑gan to beat him unmercifully;—Mrs. Aprice ſeconded every Blow of her Huſ⯑band's, by hitting the Wig in the Doc⯑tor's Face; who all the while was cry⯑ing out Murder, Murder, for God's Sake. The Oſtler reſcu'd him; and he run Home, like a true Tragedy Ghoſt, bare-headed, with Shirt bloody, and mealy Face.

Mr. Aprice, and his Mary, went Home Arm in Arm: She comforting herſelf, that tho' his beſt Neckcloth was tore, thank God her Huſband had be⯑hav'd himſelf like a Gentleman.

CHAP. VIII.

NOW was Tranquility reinſtated below Stairs, and the Miſtreſs of the Houſe aſcended to Mr. Junior with a Bowl of Rack, and began her Apo⯑logy for the People's having made ſuch an obſtropulous Noiſe.

Tho', for that Matter, I'm glad Sir Mr. Illicit met his Deſerts, for affront⯑ing ſuch a good temper'd Gentleman as you are; tho' to be ſure our Exciſeman did thraſh him vexatiouſly; and yet I cou'dn't help being frighten'd, Sir,—one's Houſe being diſturb'd ſo, and then to ſee them all bloody, and my beſt China Bowl had like to have been broke,—and if I hadn't ſhriek'd out, Sir, and caught hold of it, Sir, my beſt Bowl wou'd have tumbled all to ſmaſh, Sir.—Thus glib glided her Speech; ſhe liſp'd, ſhe laugh'd, her Face was fluſh'd, her Eyes gliſſen'd, ſure Symptoms that ſhe had been too buſy with her beſt China Bowl.

Junior obſerved it, and reſolv'd to try how far his Friend was right. He put the Glaſs quick about, he ſqueez'd her Hand, he prais'd her Face, he kiſs'd her Lips, he preſs'd her Neck, he ſigh'd, [65]he ſtrove,—ſhe begg'd he'd be eaſy,— ſhe muſt go down;—nay, ſhe vow'd ſhe wou'd—that Moment;—what cou'd ſuch a fine Gentleman ſee in her,—nay, Sir,— pray don't pull me,—excuſe,—dear,— what with a Stranger too,—if—Sir,— indeed,—I'll—there's the Curtain Rod down,—O Lord,—the Door, —well,—nay—Sir,—pray, oh, oh, —Dies.

CHAP. IX.

MR. Illicit's Bruiſes not ſuffering him to ſleep, he lay ruminating how this Beating might be made pro⯑fitable. He felt himſelf very ſore, and wou'd have Smart-money:—But in the midſt of his Pains, he had the Pleaſure of thinking Aprice's Wife and five Chil⯑dren ſhou'd come to the Pariſh.

But how to get Money by all this?—He recollected the Fight began about a ſtrange Gentleman,—therefore he de⯑creed the ſtrange Gentleman was the Aggreſſor: Ay, and the ſtrange Gen⯑tleman ſhou'd pay Coſts; becauſe, if the ſtrange Gentleman had not been there, the Quarrel wou'd not have happen'd.

But how to prove Damages?—The Woman Junior reliev'd came into his Head; ſomething may be made of that. The Thought pleas'd him, he forgot his Aches, got up, put on his Banyan, and without ſtaying for his Breakfaſt, went to his Brother-in-law's, his Worſhip, afore-mention'd.

Mr. Oatley, the Magiſtrate, had been a London Chairman, and plied at St. James's; but marrying a Publican's Wi⯑dow [73]who kept a Night-cellar, they left off Buſineſs, being well to paſs; and came down into the Country to ſettle near his Brother-in-law's: And being, as he declared, brought up at Court; which he took care to let every body know, when he firſt came down in the Country, (tho' not what Character he acted) was look'd upon among his Neighbours, as a very extraordinary ſort of a Man, and invited to a great many rich People's Houſes; for he cou'd tell all about St. James's and the Royal Fa⯑mily; knew to an Hour how old my Lord Duke was; to the tenth of an Inch, how high my Lady Jane's Shoes were; what colour'd Silk the Dutcheſs's Chair was lined with; when ſuch a Counteſs cut her Nails; what Snuff the Prince uſed, and how the King's Shoemaker took Meaſure of his Majeſty.

Mr. Oatly had not heard of the Fray, and was ſurpriſed to ſee his Brother's Eyes black, his Face ſwell'd, and Lip with a Patch on't.—He began to won⯑der at ſuch a Sight, and obſerv'd ſuch Things were never ſuffer'd at Court.

Look ye Brother, theſe Things ſhall appear at Court, in a Court of Law too. I had like to have been murder'd by [74]that Raſcal Aprice, and two or three more of them; but I'll do for that Exciſe Fellow I warrant him;—but that a'ant all. Here are two Sharpers come to Town, they put up at the Crown, one of um pretends to keep his Bed by a Fall, and t'other has pick'd up a Mi⯑ſtreſs, and there's ſome Scheme in it.

Like enough, like enough, I've met with ſuch Things at Court very often.

Now you muſt know, Brother, I'd have you ſend for this Fellow and exa⯑mine him, and the Woman too; for he gave her five Guineas Yeſterday, and this is a Caſe requires explaining.

Nay, this is extraordinary; for when I was at Court, we us'd to obſerve where Money was given, there was always ſome Myſtery.—Therefore the Chief diſpatch'd his Beadle for Junior imme⯑diately.

Juſt as the Meſſenger went out, Ma⯑dam Illicit enter'd; and the Moment ſhe ſaw her Brother, and Huſband, ſhe points to her Spouſe's Face; crying out, here's a pretty Figure for you;—this is keep⯑ing Company with Strumpets,—yes, Bro⯑ther, my Huſband is now always at the [75] Crown with that brazen-face Landlady, and ſo I ſuppoſe ſome of her Bullies beat him.

The Huſband call'd for Silence, the Brother call'd for Silence, but neither his Worſhip's Authority, nor the Autho⯑rity of Mr. Illicit were equal in Power to her Voice; ſhe ſtamp'd, ſhe roar'd, ſhe ſcolded:—They ſtood ſtaring mo⯑tionleſs; as if unawares they had glanc'd on Meduſa's Head; till her Breath, Voice, and Spirits being exhauſted, ſhe ſunk like an expiring Heroine, mute into a Chair.

Juſt then, the Beadle introduc'd Ju⯑nior, ſaying, that Gentleman is his Wor⯑ſhip, Sir, with one Eye.

Sir, I receiv'd a Meſſage to come be⯑fore you, but ſhou'd be glad to know what Right you have to ſend for me, or any other Gentleman, as ſuſpicious Perſons.

Yes, Sir, my Brother has a Right, he's a Magiſtrate.

Pray give me Leave, Siſter,—hem,—hem,—Sir,—I have had the Honour of belonging to Court many Years; there⯑fore [76]do you ſee, I know Right and Wrong, Sir.

By all Means, Sir, but give me Leave, Sir, firſt to plead my Excuſe, in not pay⯑ing a proper Reſpect to that Lady, who I am certain I have had the Pleaſure of ſeeing at St. James's; for there is an Air inſeparable to true Quality, which Coun⯑try Ladies may endeavour to imitate, but never can come up to.

Madam Illicit, bridling up her Head, gave him a ſlow low Curteſy, wink'd upon her Brother, turn'd up her Noſe at her Huſband, and with contracted Mouth, liſp'd out, ſhe was ſorry her Brother ſhou'd ſend for ſo polite a Gentleman, ſo Mellopropo.—To be ſure the Town Air was to be obſerv'd with half an Eye, both in Ladies and Gentlemen; except it was by ſome People, who had (a Look at Mr. Illicit) no Taſte, and could pre⯑fer low-lif't Inn-keepers Wives, to Per⯑ſons who had ſuck'd in the Court Air with their Milk.

Mr. Illicit, who ſat chewing the Cud of Reſentment, told his Brother;—you know you have a Right of Examination; I ſay, and inſiſt on't, that not only this Perſon be aſk'd to give an Account of himſelf, but—

Pray, Sir, in which of the Statutes?—

Pray, what do you know of the Sta⯑tutes? Ha.

Hold, Brother; as you ſay I have a Right of Examination, why do you pre⯑tend to examine any body before me?

Brother, this is out of your Way.

What's out of my Way, ha? You are a very pretty Fellow indeed, to ſay Exami⯑nation is out of my Way, aſk my Cha⯑racter at Court.—

You don't underſtand me, Brother.

I hope, Sir, I have as much Under⯑ſtanding as you, and have kept better Company.

A Note juſt then came from Mr. Sal⯑tern, directed to the chief Conſtable; the Contents were as follows.

Mr. Oatley, I wou'd have you be ex⯑treamly cautious concerning your Pro⯑ceeding againſt the Gentleman at pre⯑ſent before you.—He is travelling in cog. and is one of the Lord's of the Bed⯑chamber [78]to his preſent Majeſty:—I'll bail him for Twenty-thouſand Pounds.

Yours, Saltern.

Mrs. Illicit was leaning over the Back of his Worſhip's Chair, to read the Note, when Mr. Oatley riſing haſty, his Head met her Forehead; it whiſk'd her round, and down ſhe ſunk. This the Chief never minded, but kept bowing and complimenting Junior, deſiring him to take the arm'd Chair.—The Attor⯑ney ſtar'd like a Man juſt gorg'd with a large Bumper:—His Brother turning about, told him he was ſorry to ſay it, but he was a very impertinent Fellow—for all you're my Brother;—and I hope, my Lord,—you are a very impudent Dog, Sirrah.—I aſk ten thouſand Par⯑dons, my Lord.—Mr. Illicit's Spouſe, who had by this Time recover'd her Sen⯑ſes from the Blow, and was riſing up to reak her Revenge;—but hearing the Word Lord mention'd,—ſhe ſmooth'd her Cap,—ſhook her Petticoats,—and ſideling round, ſimpering; ſhe aſk'd his Lordſhip's Pardon for her Huſband's Ill-mannerdneſs; and hoped his Honour wou'd accept of Mr. Illicit's aſking his Honour's Pardon.

Junior, who grew tired of the Farce, inſiſted on no more Mention to be made [79]of it, and took his Leave: The chief Magiſtrate, and Madam, the chief Ma⯑giſtrate's Siſter, uſhering him to the Door with Bows, Curtſies, Apologies, Prayers, and Praiſes;—the Attorney walking backwards and forwards all the Time almoſt frantic, like an outlaw'd Smug⯑gler juſt taken.—There let them reſt, while we attend the more intereſting Scenes of this Miſcellany.

CHAP. X.

THE Head and the Heart are di⯑ſtinct Organs: A Writer therefore, in his Addreſs to each, ſhou'd vary his Manner and Matter. But as the Editor acknowledges himſelf but indifferently provided with Head, he begs Leave to continue this Hiſtory in the ſame Stile it began, and hopes the Reader will accept of an unbelliſh'd Relation of what befel the Lady after Junior's De⯑parture.

For ſome Moments ſhe ſat ſilent, her Hands croſs'd upon her Knees, loſt in Thought.—A loud wrap at the Door rouz'd her; in burſt a Shoal of Ladies, [80]rural-bred,—no Apology,—for, in the Country, Familiarity is the Grammar of good Manners.

They had all the Morning flirted from Houſe to Houſe, and Snow-ball like, gathered as they went forwards,—all agog to hear, what the two Gentlemen were; who the Woman was; and who father'd the Child.

After they had collected the whole Troop of Female-inquiſitors; it was, nem con, agreed to pay Goody Wen a Viſit, and aſk her new Lodger ſeveral Que⯑ſtions. They enter'd crowding, gig⯑gling, ſtaring, and curtſying, all ſpeak⯑ing together.—I hope no London ac⯑compliſh'd Lady will be offended at my Suppoſition, that the Female Folks of Country Hamlets may be a little in Taſte.

I have heard it aſſerted (how true it is I know not) but that in ſome Coun⯑try Towns, there are broad Starers, loud Talkers, ſcandal Spreaders, deep In⯑triguers, keen Gameſters, huſband Ha⯑ters, religion Scoffers, &c. &c. &c. &c.

Indeed ye true town-bred Toaſts, as ye have not a Patent for your ſeveral high Qualifications,—why ſhou'd you wholly poſſeſs them?—Ye do not,—they [81]have found their Way into the Country, as well as flounc'd Petticoats.

Juſt as they had addreſs'd the ſtrange Lady, Junior return'd, and put an End to the ſcrutiniſing Party. They look'd a little ſilly, or ſo; begg'd Pardon, made ſeveral ſhort Curtſies, like May-day Milk-maids, huddled to the Door, each ſtriving to be firſt out, as if the Houſe was on Fire, and tittering, whiſpering, puſhing, pinching, and ſhrieking, run into the Street, like School-boy's in breaking-up Time, leaving the Lady to continue her Relation uninterrupted.

Continuation of the Lady's Story.

At a Place call'd Chantilly, was I left without a ſecond Neceſſary, and but a ſingle Guinea in the whole World. I acquainted the Landlady with my Misfortunes; ſhe endeavoured to com⯑fort me, and the next Morning came to let me know, that there was an Engliſh Gentleman who deſir'd to be introduc'd to me.

How did I rejoice to hear there was any of my own Country there; I who had ſo lately deſpiſed every Perſon in it. So true it is, what in Proſperity we moſt [82]ſlight, in Adverſity we firſt fly to for Succour.

As ſoon as I had ſufficiently recover'd myſelf, the Gentleman waited upon me; offer'd me his Sword, his Fortune to make me eaſy;—let me know he was a Man of Faſhion, and begg'd Leave he might have the Honour of conducting me to England, or where elſe I thought fit.

There was ſomething I thought ſo no⯑ble in his Manner, I accepted of his Offers, and he attended me to Dover. From thence I wrote to an elderly Lady, an Aunt, the only Friend I cou'd de⯑pend upon.—For ſhe had in her Youth ſuffered for her Fondneſs for your Sex, and was therefore moſt likely to pity my Indiſcretion.

Being oblig'd to wait for an Anſwer, the Gentleman who came over with me begg'd Leave to viſit me while I ſtaid there.—I cou'd not refuſe him; his Be⯑haviour was moſt reſpectful, his Con⯑verſation very engaging, his Actions ſo diſintereſted, and his Expreſſions ſo very tender, I eſteem'd him.—Ah, when once a Lady thinks highly of any of any of your Sex, it is the Gallant's Fault if he does not receive the laſt Proof of it.

This, Sir, was my Caſe.—Out of Gra⯑titude I confeſs'd to him, he was not [83]indifferent to me, but he wanted imme⯑diately rudely to avail himſelf by that Ac⯑knowledgment.—Thus Mankind behave generally to eager, or too inſenſible; ſel⯑dom knowing how to make a proper Uſe of our Conceſſions. What I in⯑tended as a Preſent to his Diſintereſted⯑neſs, he wanted to command by an Act of Power—he was deceived—he loſt me by the Scheme that he laid to poſſeſs me.

I eſcaped—refuſed to ſee him, and the next Day he arreſted me for Money laid, out for my Uſe. An Anſwer to the Letter which I had ſent arrived that ve⯑ry Day, and ſeaſonably relieved me; unexpectedly for my Creditor I paid his Demands, and ſet off, without ſeeing him, for my Relations.

Lady Veltry was one of thoſe very good Ladies, who dedicate moſt Part of their Time to the making up and ad⯑miniſtring Medicines to the Poor; and I had not any better Amuſement, than, like a Pupil at the Hoſpitals, to attend upon her.

This I ſoon grew fatigued with—then I uſed to weary myſelf with ſauntering backwards and forwards under a long Elm-walk Rookery. Viſiters we had none, and as to Books, all that her La⯑dyſhip would allow in her Library, treat⯑ed [84]upon Drugs and Diſeaſes, and the ſe⯑veral Symptoms of each Diſtemper; yet even theſe, for Want of Employment, I began to read over; but the Effects they had on me were terrible, not a Diſ⯑eaſe they mentioned, but what I ſoon fancied I was attacked with.

The firſt Volume I turned over was a Treatiſe upon Cancers, and the very next Day I happened to have a Pain in my Breaſt, which alarmed me; a Diſcourſe upon Conſumptions cured me of my Concer; but then I dreaded an Ulcer upon my Lungs, thoſe Prognoſtics were removed by an Account of the Gravel, which made me expect a Fit of the Stone. A Volume of dropſical Caſes fell next into my Hands, they diſſolved the Stone indeed, but fixed me in a very watry State—but a Book concerning the Eyes reſtored me to Health, tho' it gave me great Reaſons to fear a Gutta Serena.

I was obliged to leave off reading, for Fear of its being prejudicial to my Sight; and juſt then Lady Veltry's only Son ar⯑rived from Italy. As ſoon as I ſaw him, I felt an Uneaſineſs I could not account for; at firſt I only imagined it to be a Compaſſion for his Youth.

[85]He had a Delicacy of Figure, that I am certain would prejudice any of my Sex that ſaw him in his Favour. I often pitied him in ſecret, to think what Dan⯑gers from the Debaucheries of London, a Gentleman of his Rank, Fortune and Spirits was expoſed to.

But I ſoon was alarmed at my own Condition. Involuntary Sighs, ſudden Fluſhings, Palpitations of the Heart, unaccountable Anxiety and Tremors; Days waſted without breaking my Faſt, and Nights without Sleep; the Symp⯑toms frightened me. I flew to my Phy⯑ſic Books, but could not find my Caſe in any one Author.

A Self Examination proved I was in Love; I thought I had been ſo with that French Impoſtor, but found now that was only Price. I had never before ſuffered thoſe tender Senſations, thoſe Uproars I then every Day experienced. I delighted in the Diſcovery, and in⯑dulged my Diſtemper; conſulted my Glaſs, and was aſſured by that Oracle I ſhould ſucceed; but I loſt my Time; I deſpiſed both him and myſelf; him for his Inſenſibility, me for my Want of Power.

A few Days after his Arrival, as we were ſitting at Breakfaſt, the Converſa⯑tion [86]happened to turn upon Love and Beauty. He very careleſsly declared, he looked upon Love, only as a poetical Rattle, invented to amuſe over-grown Boys and Girls with; and, as to beauti⯑ful Women, they were like Dreſden China, pretty Pieces of ornamental Fur⯑niture. I was choaked, could ſcarcely keep my Seat; but Lady Veltry, not be⯑ing ſo immediately concerned in the Re⯑flection as I was, had Power to go on; deſiring him to be explicit concerning Matrimony; hoping, ſhe told him, to ſee him wed before ſhe died, to his and her Wiſhes.

He fixed his Eyes full on her Face, ſhrugged up his Shoulders, ſtarting from his Seat, and turning round with ſuch a Smile, as ſome Ladies expreſs Hate by; he replied, dear Mem, you're vaſtly good, and I'm immenſely obliged to you. It is become quite the Thing, to be ſure, for Men of Faſhion to be hum⯑med into one Piece of Folly or another. I am not to be out of Taſte, I find; poſitively, my Lady, I doat upon your Advice. And, as I find marrying and keeping a Pack of Hounds are much practiſed at preſent, I believe I may mortify myſelf ſo far, as to build a Dog's Kennel—but, as to Matrimony—no— [87]I'll not come into the Buck-baſket. And turning upon his Heel left the Room, ſinging Part of a Concerto.

We looked upon one another like two Travellers who had loſt their Way; I began to entertain a mighty Contempt for his Underſtanding, yet I admired his Figure. I was certain he was a Fool, yet I could not help loving him. Men of many Words may reconcile this Pa⯑radox; all I can ſay, is, I felt it to be true.

When I retired to my Chamber, I found a thouſand Excuſes for his Beha⯑viour. I recollected an Intimacy, a ve⯑ry particular one, between this Gentle⯑man, and the Perſon who paſs'd for his Valet; they dreſſed much alike, they were not unlike in Figure. The Valet never ſorted with the reſt of the Servants; and ſeveral Expreſſions his Maſter made uſe of to him, made me conclude, that this Servant was ſome young Lady, whom he had ſtole from a Nunnery.— I had often read of ſuch Things, and that it was owing to this Connection, he ſeemed ſo averſe to Marriage.

Lovers, Sir, altho' they may be miſ⯑taken in Point of Judgment, are gene⯑rally very quick-ſighted; at leaſt, ſo we are apt to flatter ourſelves. As ſoon as [88]I had made this Diſcovery, I enjoyed greatly my Penetration. I exulted on the Sagacity I fanſied myſelf poſſeſſed of, I pitied the young Lady, wanted ſadly to hear her Story, and reſolved gene⯑rouſly to make a Sacrifice of my Paſſion to my Rival.

With this noble Diſpoſition I went to ſleep—Pity, indeed, we cannot be ſo diſpaſſionate, or irreſolute, as we wiſh to be. All my fine Flights of Diſintereſt⯑edneſs vaniſhed in the Morning, and, as ſoon as I ſaw the Valet, I wiſhed the Creature out of the Houſe.

That very Afternoon, as I was in my Dreſſing-room, I heard in an adjoining Chamber Lady Veltry's Son, and his Valet; a Diviſion in the Wainſcot gave me an Opportunity of ſeeing them with⯑out their diſcovering it. I could not reſiſt the Temptation of looking thro' the Cre⯑vice; there I ſaw them embrace each other with vaſt Fondneſs, my Conjectures were then paſt doubt; but, good God!— in a few Minutes after, excuſe me, Sir, (turning my Face away) I found the Wretches to be both of the ſame Sex. Shocked and trembling I hurried out of the Room, ruſhed down Stairs, and, at the Bottom, I fell into a fainting Fit. One of our Servants luckily croſſing the [89]Hall at that Moment, recovered me. Too deteſtable is this Subject to dwell up⯑on. I told what I had ſeen, and the Pair of Catamites were ſeized. When Lady Veltry's Son came before her La⯑dyſhip —ſo far from being daunted at the Diſcovery, he gloried in it; pro⯑nounced it ſuperb Taſte; and pretended to vindicate himſelf, by vaſt Faſhion, and high Examples.

Lady Veltry would not hear him pro⯑ceed; ordered him out of her Sight, took to her Bed immediately, and, in four Days Time, without ever ſuffering her Son to come near her, died in my Arms.—But here the Lady was inter⯑rupted by the following Accident.

CHAP. XI.

AFTER the Departure of Junior from the chief Conſtable's, Ma⯑dam Illicit, whoſe Penetration could ne⯑ver enough be admired, diſcovered they had affronted a Lord; and that as how they mought be all ruined, ſuppoſ⯑ing he had a Mind to ſue them for Scrambulum matum.

[90] Scandalum magnatum, you mean, my Dear, her Spouſe replied, very good na⯑turedly; but ſometimes it is unlucky to ſet Folks right. She began upon her Huſband, ſaying, it was all his doing, by following of his Whores and Strumpets. Had not Mr. Illicit very prudently left the Room, upon the firſt Prognoſtic of the approaching Tempeſt, it might have been of fatal Conſequence; fatal at leaſt to every Thing brittle about the Room. Madam Illicit being one of the beſt tem⯑pered Women in the World, but rather too hot; and ſhe would in her Heat of Paſſion throw any Thing that came in her Way—but then it was ſoon over, and ſhe was very ſorry for it afterwards, as indeed all haſty People generally are. Her Anger was ended the Moment her Spouſe made his Retreat. She begged her Brother's Pardon for being in a Paſ⯑ſion—but vowed ſhe would, for her own Family's Sake, go and wait upon my Lord's Lady, for Fear worſe ſhould come on't.

Mr. Oatley approved her Intention.

But, firſt, ſhe ſtrictly enjoined her Brother to Secreſy concerning the whole Affair: Herein imitating ſome of the mighty Men, who make Laws—not for themſelves indeed, they act ad Libitum. [91]Thus this Lady, tho' ſhe poſitively in⯑ſiſted upon her Brother's not opening his Lips about it, yet ſhe could not help calling at three or four Neighbours Houſes, to let them know what a Blun⯑derbuſs her Huſband had been, and as how my Lord knew her the Moment ſhe came into the Room; and that ſhe was ſent for to drink Tea with his Lordſhip and the Lady; and that ſhe knew who the Lady was, and all about her—but, thank God, ſhe was no Blab, and how if it hadn't been for her knowing my Lord, my Lord would have ruined her Brother and her Huſband, for affronting his Lordſhip; but, that my Lord was her intimate Acquaintance.

Juſt as Madam Illicit came to Goo y Wen's Door, where Junior was earneſtly attending to the fair Unfortunate's Nar⯑ration, ſhe met Mr. Seap, one of the Pariſh Officers, who was coming to pay the ſtrange Lady a Viſit; but not out of an idle, unwarrantable, or impertinent Curioſity; no, Junior's Liberality had been mentioned all over the Town; and, according to ancient goſſipping Cuſtom, was encreaſed by arithmetical Progreſ⯑ſion.—Therefore Mr. Seap, having the Good of his Pariſh at Heart, came to wait upon the Gentleman, to know concerning [92]the Woman and the Child; not that he imagined they would increaſe the Town's Poor-rates; but Accidents that might happen, ought to be provided a⯑gainſt; beſides, as the Gentleman was known to be ſo generous a Gentleman, it was doing his Duty to try, at leaſt, if by threatening the Wench about Secu⯑rity, he could not get Junior to make him a Preſent for the Benefit of the Pariſh.

Seneca obſerves, doing Duty is duplex.

There is a Duty we owe our Neigh⯑bours, and a Duty we owe ourſelves.

Now, to attempt one of theſe Duties, Mr. Seap came inveſted with an Autho⯑rity to puniſh or protect, as Juſtice ſhould find it right, neceſſary, equitable and beſt. For Juſtice—but here I muſt beg Leave to obſerve, that the Symbols of Juſtice and Janus are quite wrong, and that they ſhould be ſhifted.

For, as every School-boy knows, the Temple of Janus was relative to War and Peace; Janus ſhould certainly be blind-folded; to ſhew, that War is ſometimes but a Game of Blindman's-buff; and in Peace-making, we ſhould take Care not to be hood-wink'd.

Juſtice ſhould wear two Faces, one to ſmile at her Friends, with the other to frown upon her Enemies.

[93]The Utility, Erudition, and Occaſion of this Digreſſion, will be a ſufficient Atonement for its Introduction.

As the Superintendant of the Work⯑houſe was going to lift up the Latch, the Lawyer's Lady ſeized him by the Cuff of his Coat, and in a very haſty Sort of a Tone, demanded to know what he wanted in that Houſe.

I come, Madam, to look after ſome Pariſh Buſineſs.

Then I inſiſt upon knowing what that Pariſh Buſineſs is; for I and my Huſ⯑band ſhould know, becauſe I and my Huſband do moſt of the Pariſh Buſineſs.

But, Madam, this is concerning a Woman and a Child, and you can have no Buſineſs.

How, Sirrah, do you think me paſt Child-bearing? You Raſcal—I no Bu⯑ſineſs with Children—Junior was that In⯑ſtant opening the Door, to know what was the Matter, when, at the very Mo⯑ment, backwards Mr. Seap fell into the Houſe, driven down by a violent Blow on the Noſe, given him by Madam Il⯑licit, [94]for his Imporence, as ſhe ſaid, to contradict her in ſo vulgar a Manner.

Like a Corpſe, ready for the Coroner's Inqueſt, Mr. Seap lay all at his Length, on his Back, croſs the Brick-floor, which his Head had hit hard againſt. But Madam Illicit, regardleſs of his Fate, ſtraddled athwart him unconcerned, and addreſſed herſelf to Junior and the Lady, with,

I beg your Honour's Pardon, my Lord, and her Ladyſhip's Honour's Pardon; but this Fellor was a coming to inſult your Honour's, and your Ladyſhip's Honour's Child—She was going on, im⯑patient to expreſs herſelf, curtſying at every other Word, to ſhew her Breeding, when poor Seap, in one of her Sinkings, ſeized her by the Gown-tail, and cut ſhort her Compliments, by pulling her bump upon his Breaſt.

He lay breathleſs for ſome Time with the Blow, and ſhe ſat ſpeechleſs for ſome Time upon him; ſtaring wildly, con⯑founded at her Diſgrace; but Junior, who new enough of her Temper, to judge what muſt become of the Victim underneath her, lifted her up, and led her to her Ladyſhip; then aſſiſted the Pariſh Officer; and by the friendly In⯑terpoſition of the ſtrange Lady, my [95]Lord's Authority, Mr. Seap's Submiſ⯑ſion, and three or four Glaſſes of ge⯑nuine Coniac, Madam Illicit returned Home in good Humour, and Mr. Seap with her; leaving the Lady at Leiſure to go on with her Adventures.

The Story of the Lady continued.

I fear, Sir, my Tale is already grown tireſome; the Remainder of it, I doubt, you will think more ſo; ſince I ſhall be obliged to mention ſeveral Facts, wherein the Vanity and Ingratitude of Mankind are conſpicuous.—From what already I had known of your Sex, you muſt not ſuppoſe they could be much in my Eſ⯑teem; and what afterwards happened to me, corroborated the Contempt I en⯑tertained for them; and was, as I then thought, a ſufficient Excuſe for the Manner in which afterwards they were treated by me. I wiſh what I have ſuf⯑fered might deter others from too much indulging the ſtrong Sallies of their Imagination, and by my Example would remember, that they who attempt to make others ridiculous, always lay themſelves open to Revenge.

All that Lady Veltry could leave from her Son, ſhe gave me; and after her [96]Deceaſe, in Money, Bills and Jewels, I found myſelf worth upwards of five thouſand Pounds. As ſoon as the Fune⯑ral was over, I ſat out for London. A Wheel of my Chaiſe giving Way on the Road, I put up at Noon-time at an Inn, a ſingle Houſe; upon the Bench before the Door, I ſaw a very neat dreſſed young Woman ſit crying, her Arms had ſome black and blue Marks on them, and her Cap and Hat was in Diſ⯑order. I enquired of the By-ſtanders, what was the Reaſon of her Diſtreſs? They told me, her Huſband had been beating her; and juſt at the Inſtant he came back, a black, ill-looking Fellow; I aſked him, mildly, the Reaſon of his uſing ſo prettya young Creature ſo barba⯑rouſly? He replied, ſurlily, ſhe was his Wife, and no Body had any Buſineſs with her, but himſelf. However, I at laſt, by giving him ſome Money, paci⯑fied him. I took ſuch a Fancy to the young Woman, that I brought her to Town, and kept her with me. She had been educated by her Parents on Purpoſe to go into Place as an upper Servant; her Father was a Jailor, where this Fel⯑low of her's had been committed for ſmuggling, nay, outlaw'd; ſhe took-Pi⯑ty of him, helped him to make his [97]Eſcape, and went off with him. They had been rambling about the Country for ſix Months; he was a Tinker, and ſhe was very ingenious; ſhe made and ſold artificial Flowers at the Gentlemen and Farmers Houſes about the Country. But in the laſt Town they came from, a very rich Man wanted to be rather too familiar with her; ſhe repulſed him, but her Lover would not give it over, went to her Huſband, and proffered him a Sum of Money to ſell his Wife.—The Fellow conſented, and the Blows ſhe had received, were becauſe ſhe would not comply. This Relation I could not help entering in my Account Courant againſt your Sex; and yet I own, Sir, I wiſhed to meet with ſome Incidents, that would make me think better of Man⯑kind.

In the Afternoon, a Man on Horſe⯑back called to my Poſtillion to ſtop; but juſt as he came up to the Chaiſe, his Crape dropped from his Face, and I knew him to be one of Lady Veltry's Servants, who had been diſcharged about two Months before; I then thought there was ſome Injuſtice in his Diſmiſ⯑ſion; and I remember, at his taking Leave of me, I put a Moidore in his Hand, and to his Gratitude I imputed [98]my not being robbed by him. The next Morning, my Servant came to tell me, that he was ſure he ſaw the Highway⯑man in the Yard, that ſtopped the Chaiſe Yeſterday, and aſked my Leave to have him taken up. I was ſhocked at the News, and ordered him on his Peril not to ſay a Word, but ſent my Woman with him down Stairs to find the poor Wretch out, and bid him get off— They did ſo, and it gave me great Eaſe, when they told me of it; for I dreaded, if he was ſeized, that I muſt have taken an Oath in a Court of Juſtice upon Life and Death — That Action, I knew, would ſit heavy upon my Mind as long as I lived—to be acceſſary in hanging any Perſon, even tho' they deſerved it, was what I could not reconcile to my⯑ſelf. It may be looked on as a fooliſh Woman's Prejudice, but I can no more get over it, than ſeveral of your Sex can their Tremblings at Cats, Cheeſe, and many other Antipathies.

That Evening, as I ſat at Supper, I received a Letter directed to me. It ſur⯑prized me, how any Perſon could ſend me a Letter as I was upon a Journey— but I could hardly fancy myſelf awake, or in my right Senſes, when I found it [99]was from the Wretch, who, but that Morning, I cautioned to make his Eſ⯑cape—and that it was a Love-letter too—I read it over ſo often, it is not eaſy for me to forget it. He began with hoping my Honour wasn't fright⯑ened when he came up to the Chaiſe, for he wouldn't hurt a Hair of my Head for all the World; hoped I would par⯑don his Boldneſs in breaking his Mind to me. That, to be ſure, he never could have had the Boldneſs to think, that ſo fine a Lady as I was, could have liked him ſo very much; not but that his Fel⯑low Servants uſed to ſay, when he lived at Lady Veltry's, that young Madam (meaning me) took his Part very much— but, to be ſure, Madam—(thus the Wretch went on) when you put the Moi⯑dore in my Hand, as I was leaving my Place, I thought you gave my Hand a Squeeze, and you have run in my Head ever ſince; and when, Yeſterday, the young Woman told me, you adviſed me to get off, I was pretty ſure you had ta⯑ken a Fancy to me; ſo was reſolved to let you know it. Tho' I have wore a Livery, Gentlewomen put up with that; and, as to my taking the Road, what can a Man do, that has been uſed to live well without Working? And there's [100]Cheating in all Trades, and every Body allows the Highway is as much a Gen⯑tleman's Profeſſion, as playing at Cards.

You may ſuppoſe, Sir, the Anſwer I ſent him—I never ſaw my Lover any more—but I kept his Letter, as a Maſ⯑ter-piece of human Vanity.

As ſoon as I arrived in London, I be⯑gan to put my intended Schemes in Ex⯑ecution, of making your Sex my Dupes; I did ſo. I uſed my Lovers as ſome Sportſmen do Game; lure, hunt, and toil them: But—

The Waiter from the Inn came juſt then, to let the Gentleman know, Mr. Saltern deſired his Company to Dinner, which was taking up, and begged Mr. Junior would bring the Lady with him. Junior immediately went with the Waiter, the Lady promiſed to follow after Dinner was over. During the Meal, Jack let his Friend into as much of the Lady's Hiſtory as he knew; and then went to Goody Wen's to eſcort her to the Inn. As ſoon as Mr. Saltern ſaw her, he could not help ſaying, a Beauty, indeed!— Mr. Junior told the Lady, he had related to Mr. Saltern all the preceding Part of her Hiſtory—upon which, as there were only them three pre⯑ſent, ſhe thus concluded her Adventures.

[101]What a Multitude of ridiculous Ac⯑tions I did occaſion ſeveral very wiſe Lo⯑vers to commit!

I muſt ſay this in Praiſe of Under⯑ſtanding, Sapience, Knowledge, or what⯑ever other Title learned Folks know it by; that I found thoſe my greateſt Dupes, who imagined themſelves too mighty to be made Fools of. Your real Coxcombs, Dunces and Imperti⯑nents, I could do nothing with—Fow⯑lers might as well attempt to follow wild Geeſe by their Track. Yet let me do your Sex ſo far Juſtice; Ingratitude is not ſolely confined to the Maſculine Gender—for my Woman, who had been my Confident in all my Schemes, nay, my Agent in moſt, whom I had reſcued from the Blows of that Outlaw—ſhe, Gentlemen, revenged your Sex.

For when I grew to be tired of mak⯑ing Mankind my May-game, ſhe adviſ⯑ed me to Matrimony—I had often thought of it myſelf, and, upon her Recommendation, admitted a rich Weſt India Merchant, juſt arrived from Ja⯑maica, to pay his Addreſſes to me— Oh! Gentlemen, they who will deceive, ought to be deceived in their Turns. I was ſo, and not to tire you with dull, [102]common-place Repetitions, I was a ſe⯑cond Time trepanned.

Afterwards, but too late indeed, I found out the Villainy. My Woman had met in London her Fellow, whom I had reſcued her from, and he perſuad⯑ed her to be concerned in this Confede⯑racy againſt me. They dreſſed up one of their Gang in a proper Habit, and introduced to me as a Weſt Indian. Sure Villainy muſt ſeverely ſuffer in the next World, it meets with ſo much Succeſs in this. We were married; and, on my Husband's praiſing the Iſland of Ja⯑maica to me, and the vaſt Profits that were made there by Engliſh Merchan⯑dize, he perſuaded me to go with him, draw my Money out of the Stocks, and lay it out in Trade. We went over from Park-gate to Dublin, where one of his Ships lay, as he told me. Indeed he carried me on board a very handſome Ship, where I was treated with the ut⯑moſt Civility, and lay in the great Ca⯑bin that Night. But, Gentlemen, think what my Surprize muſt be in the Morn⯑ing, to find myſelf when I woke in the Arms of a Stranger. After much ſtrug⯑gling, I ſprung from him, but I had no where to ſhelter myſelf; the Ship I found was under Sail, and I was ſent for a Slave [103]to the Plantations. The Captain of the Veſſel, which was indeed a Ship that carried ſuch unhappy Wretches over, told me, that I was repreſented to him as a common Woman of the Town; that the Gentleman I came on board with, was to be married to a great For⯑tune, but I perſecuted him ſo, there was no Way of making two Families happy, but by contriving to get me out of the Way—I aſked after my Trunks. He ſhewed me a Cheſt which was left for me—I had it broke open, and inſtead of Cloaths, it was filled with Straw, Sticks and Stones.

This, the Captain told me, opened his Eyes, and he believed that I was ill uſed—but, as the Wind was fair, ſhould he alter his Courſe to ſet me upon Shore, his Owners would ruin him; but he would take Care of me; he ſwore, and begged Pardon for getting to Bed to me —but ſince what was done could not be undone, he ſuppoſed there was no Harm, he ſaid, if I and he ſtowed in the ſame Birth together.

What could I do, Gentlemen, in theſe moſt wretched Circumſtances? He ad⯑ded, that when I came to the Weſt Indies, I ſhould live like a Lady; that he would bring me ſafe back again, and that if it [102] [...] [103] [...] [104]coſt him all he was worth in the World, he would find out the Villains who had wronged me.

For the Remainder of the Voyage we lived together; and when the Ship came into Harbour, he fulfilled his Promiſe of behaving to me like a Man.—He ſold me for a three Years indented Ser⯑vant; having perſuaded me to ſign a Paper before he went aſhore, which he ſaid was neceſſary for both our Securities to his Owners.

You may wonder, perhaps, Mr. Ju⯑nior, how I had a Fortitude of Mind ſufficient to endure ſuch Shocks as theſe were. Indeed, Gentlemen, I cannot boaſt of what your Sex calls Stoiciſm —I don't know whether I am right in the Word, or no; but I mean that Phi⯑loſophic Armour of Indifference, in which the famous Men of former Times are ſaid to have given Battle to the Paſ⯑ſions.

Yet our Sex has a Shield that is our ſure Defence, when we pleaſe to make Uſe of it. It is Spirit—and a Lady's Spirit, like a King's Prerogative, is ab⯑ſolute, we will do what we pleaſe with it.

I was taken by a Widow Lady, a Tawny-moor, to be her Waiting-wo⯑man. I had an eaſy Place of it; only [105]now and then I was a little puzzled a⯑bout chuſing Ribbands to ſuit her Com⯑plexion—You ſmile, Gentlemen, up⯑on my Honour it is true. Tho' her Face, Neck and Arms were exactly a Copper Colour, ſhe ſpent three Hours every Day at her Dreſſing-table; but theſe Mu⯑lattos are much more affected than Europeans; at leaſt, I fancy, if in Eng⯑land any ill-favoured Perſons ſhould take Pains to ornament their Faces, they would be ſtared at as Prodigies of Va⯑nity, vaſtly odd Creatures, and ſuch as don't appear above once in a Century.

My Miſtreſs, tho' very old, as well as intolerably ugly, was incredibly rich; ſeveral Perſons, even of the beſt Fami⯑lies upon the Iſland, paid their Addreſſes to her (in this too I hope we differ from them.)

One Afternoon, as I was ſitting by myſelf in the Dining-room, a Gentle⯑man, who was the greateſt Favorite my Miſtreſs had, came behind me ſoftly, and before I was aware, throwing his Arms round my Neck, gave me three or four Kiſſes (the firſt and the laſt Time he ever ſerved me ſo) the old Lady entered that Moment, and took immediately ſuch an Antipathy to me, that ſhe was reſolved to have me poiſoned, thoſe [106]Things are often, and very eaſily done there.

Had it not been for an Engliſhman, one of the Overſeers of her Slaves, I had died a Victim to her Jealouſy. By his Means, tho' it was attended with in⯑numerable Difficulties, I made my Eſ⯑cape off the Iſland. He took me with him to Hiſpaniola, from whence we ſail⯑ed for England; but on the Corniſh Shore our Ship was loſt; and tho' we ſav'd ſe⯑veral Things of Value out of the Wreck, the Country People came down, Wo⯑men as well as Men, and plundered us of them all.

I wonder thoſe Things are ſuffered in ſuch a Kingdom as England is. I am no Politician, but really believe our Legi⯑ſlators know not that ſuch Things are practis'd; or if they have heard of them, fanſy them to be ſo much exaggerated, they are not worth attending to.

I have heard, that a Clauſe concerning the preſerving of Properties in the Caſe of Shipwrecks, is to be tacked to the Bill for Preſervation of the Game throughout England; for at preſent it is not only on the Coaſt of Cornwall, but on every County in this Kingdom, whoſe Land lies open to the Sea, where a Ship [107]comes on Shore, the Veſſel is not only plunder'd, but the Sailors too often mur⯑der'd.

Thus, Sir, it was they ſerv'd the Per⯑ſon who came over with me: As he ſtrove to defend a Cheſt of valuable Ef⯑fects, which he had purchas'd Abroad, he receiv'd a blow on his Head by a Club, from one of the Barbarians, of which Fracture he died. On the Day of his Death, I was brought to Bed of the Child Mr. Junior has ſo generouſly taken Care of, and with which Infant I have wander'd ever ſince, in a moſt mi⯑ſerable Condition.

It is almoſt incredible, what a Wo⯑man's Pride can make her capable of either doing of ſuffering. I don't ſpeak Gentlemen like a Scholar, by Rote, 'tis only from Practice I draw my Obſervati⯑ons; but when once it becomes acquaint⯑ed with Want, it is ſure to degenerate. Haughty Minds will ſuffer any Afflic⯑tion, but Poverty; at leaſt it was ſo with me; Neceſſity beggar'd me of Reſolu⯑tion, and my Spirit was ſunk, like a decay'd Prop, cruſh'd by the Building it ſhou'd ſupport.

CHAP XII.

IT is needleſs, I believe, to obſerve, that when a beautiful Woman re⯑lates her Diſtreſſes, the Audience (eſpe⯑cially if they be of the Male kind) ſeem to ſympathize in all her Sufferings. Each Man pretends to Pity, becauſe he admires; and admiring, he hopes to do as others have done:—Tho' from the fair Relater he has already heard, that Man's unwarrantable Purſuits oc⯑caſion'd every Misfortune ſhe had en⯑dured.

Oh ye high and mighty Inhabitants of many Acres, why will you claſs Beauty as a Specie of Game? Deſtroy them accordingly, and boaſt of it afterwards? Yearly are many beautiful Innocents be⯑tray'd, and beggar'd; yet (except at the Old Baily) ſeldom is Man brought to a Senſe of Shame for it.

N.B. No Apology is made for the above Piece of Morality.—It may not be altogether thought proper for the Hiſtory; altho' it is very proper for the Hiſtorian. Did not we circulating Li⯑brary Scribes, Imitators, and Plagiariſts, [109]now and then, thus inform the Reader we had ſome Morals, they cou'd not eaſily find it out by the reſt of our Writings.

Yet I hope to be allow'd, obſerving one Thing in Behalf of us Putters-together-of things, for the Amuſement of the very indolent Part of the Public.

That altho' our Enemies ſay we have neither Morals, Learning, Money, nor Manners.—As to Morals, vide the firſt Part of this Chapter; and our Learning is elaborately ſhown, by our Quotations from the Greek Grammar; the appropos French Phraſes we have ſe⯑lected from Dictionaire Royal; and the many claſſical Lines, which with much Trouble we have help'd ourſelves to out of what is call'd Lilly's Sintaxis.

Thirdly; as to our Manners, ſince Mr. Hart has taken upon him to teach grown Gentlemen, to be ſure we are much more poliſh'd than before; we now and then receiving a genteel Leſſon for writing a proper Advertiſement.

Indeed, as to Money, I have nothing to ſay to it, in this ungrateful, illiberal Age: We Geniuſſes are no more minded than worn-out Women of the Town; nay, not ſo much, for they can turn Bawds, and keep the beſt Company;— [110]but who the Devil can we pimp for? The Muſes are old Maids, and Prudes, and paſt Child-bearing; and we're too ſhabby, and ſhamefac'd, to ſay any thing to terreſtial Toaſts.

What an unrewarding Aera this is? The World knows we have nothing to live by but our Wits, and they are re⯑ſolv'd we ſhall have nothing more ſub⯑ſtantial to live upon. I remember, when a well-timed Pamphlet againſt either Party was Bread; and an Attack upon the Adminiſtration a Suit of Clothes certain. But there's nothing read now-a-days, but ſuch a General beats the French there, and ſuch an Admiral takes the French here; and this and that Iſland ſurrenders to the Engliſh; juſt like the old Stories we heard at School, about the Grecians and Romans conquer⯑ing every body.

Theſe things are ſo common, and Engliſhmen are ſo uncharitable, that if we were to waſte the laſt Drop of our Ink in the Cauſe of our Country; in what part of our Country ſhou'd we be taken Care of, for it? Or tho' we wore our Pens to the Stumps in praiſe of roaſt Beef, we ſhou'd never get a Belly-full by it.

[111]For my own Part, let Ignorance en⯑creaſe, I reſolve againſt publiſhing any more Things: I'll have my Bundle of Ma⯑nuſcripts buried with me, and ſay with Scipio, my ungrateful Country ſhall have none of my Remains.

Yet benign Reader, as I have a very capacious Family, and there are ſeveral outſtanding chalk Accounts in the Neigh⯑bourhood againſt me, let me beg you'll give this Work a good Word; if it's only for the Sake of the old Maxim, ſince you have been taken in to buy it: Lend your Help to hum others; or you may praiſe it upon the ſame humane Prin⯑ciple, as ſome Maſters and Miſtreſſes will give Servants they Diſcharge (for male Practices) a good Character. Not that the Wretches deſerve to be well-mentioned, but what can the poor Crea⯑tures do, either Authors or Footmen, if no body ſpeaks for them?

That you may have ſomething to praiſe me for, pleaſe Reader to obſerve the elegant Quaintneſs of Stile, which is interſperſed up and down in ſeveral pe⯑culiar Phraſes thro' this Compilation. Many more Hints, Sir, have I to offer you; but I believe, by the Help of this digreſſional Appendage, I have brought [112]this Chapter to a tolerable Length: At leaſt it will be, when I have ad⯑ded in order, that I have the Ho⯑nour to be,

CHAPT. XIII.

THE Lady's Story, with her man⯑ner of telling it, made ſuch an Im⯑preſſion upon Mr. Saltern, he offer'd her himſelf and Fortune, ſo genteely, ſhe muſt have been guilty of the utmoſt Ill-manners, not to have accepted of at leaſt one of them.

Junior had left them to themſelves all that Evening, being entirely taken up [113]with pacifying the Landlady, Mrs. Belcy. Her Huſband had ſtruck her that Day; an Action, which, as ſhe ſaid, was horrid to think of, and what he never before had ever dared to attempt; but ſhe'd be reveng'd of him by all that was Good:— Vow'd never more to come between a Pair of Sheets with him, nor live longer in the ſame Houſe: And letting Junior ſee ſhe had five hundred Pounds in Bank Bills and Caſh, he conſented to go off with her the firſt Opportunity. For Jack knew by Experience, fine Women in the ſporting Way, are better Tools than falſe Dice; more Money is got with them, and without the Fear of Detection, which ſometimes cramps a fine-finger'd Fellow's Dexterity.

No ſooner had Aurora,—no not ſo ſoon,—Day's Curtains had been ſome⯑time undrawn, and the roſy-finger'd La⯑dyſhip had taken her Pinch of Snuff after Breakfaſt, before the two Gentlemen and Lady met at the Tea-table.

Mr. Saltern, after making a proper Apology, inform'd Mr. Junior he wou'd poſtpone his intended Welch Tour, un⯑til his Return from London; for which City he intended inſtantly to ſet out, and with this Lady's Conſent, ſet her down ſafe there; and aſſiſt her to make an [114]Appearance worthy her Family and Breeding; begg'd Mr. Junior wou'd meet him in Town; which Jack promis'd without Heſitation.

When every Thing was concluded, off rattled the Poſt-chaiſe, with Meſſrs. Sal⯑tern and Company; and at the ſame In⯑ſtant, into the Yard came limping a broken-knee'd Hackney, whoſe Sides and Shoulders look'd like an ill-flea'd Bul⯑lock; upon his Back, ſat ſideling, al⯑moſt incruſtated with Dirt, a tall thin Fi⯑gure, meagre-fac'd, whoſe white-paper'd Curls hanging down his bloodleſs Cheeks, made him yet look more ghaſtly: He pitch'd his Voice in the proper Key of underſtrapping Authority, and bawl'd about him, Oſtler, Landlord, Cook, Drawer, and Tapſter; ordering ſome burn'd Wine for himſelf, warm Stables for the Horſes, and a Fire in the beſt Parlour for his Honour.

Away burſt the Servants, hurrying here and there, like a Parcel of diſturb'd Ants; when on a ſudden, they heard the Horſes trampling in high Trot along the Street, and dextrouſly turning under the Gateway, up the Yard prancing, ap⯑pear'd a nice harneſs'd Set of ſleek-coated cheſnut Geldings, rolling in their Rear a French varniſh'd Vis a Vis; out [115]of which nimbly ſkipp'd Sir Taſty Flaſh, Lady Dowager Grotto follow'd him, cau⯑tiouſly ſtepping down between Land⯑lord, Landlady, three Chambermaids, two Drawers, and Tapſter, regularly rang'd at the Door of the Carriage, as a Ship's Side is mann'd for the Entrance or Exit of a great Perſonage.

Junior was by his Profeſſion Company for a Man of Faſhion; and being inti⯑mate with the Baronet, no wonder they were rejoiced to ſee each other.—Sir Taſty had been down to take Poſſeſſion of an Eſtate, about fifty Miles farther to the Weſt. The Baronet introduc'd Junior to Lady Grotto. Her Ladyſhip receiv'd him with a Politeneſs due to her Son's Recommendation; declaring ſhe ſhou'd be proud to have the Pleaſure of cultivating an Acquaintance.—There was ſomething in Junior's Figure not diſpleaſing;—but of this more hereafter, —or perhaps not.—But we muſt men⯑tion, Sir Taſty fell in Love at firſt Sight with the Landlady,—cou'd talk of no⯑thing elſe all Dinner-time;— ſmoak'd the Reaſon of Junior's being there;—deſir'd Jack to take a Turn in the Garden with him; and the Baronet then told him, he'd give 500 if he had her in London.

[116]A ſudden Scheme came into Junior's Head, on hearing Sir Taſty's Offer.— But the Reader muſt excuſe me if I don't diſcover it; ſince, as Jack did not put it in Execution, it is not proper any one elſe ſhould.

Alaſs, what do we gain by publiſhing all we know. I queſtion, if even the in⯑defatigable Patriot, born Ann. Dom. 1683, ever clears his Advertiſements.

This Age is not the Age for Merit to ſet up his Equipage; Genius is paid by the Day; Bounty turn'd Election-hunter, and Reward fritter'd away a⯑mong ********.

Yet let me for the Honour of theſe Times obſerve;—no, let us rather ob⯑ſerve Sir Taſty and Junior,—there they are, cloſe together; the Baronet leaning his Elbow on a Dial, playing his Bril⯑liant in the Sun-beams, and Junior with folded Arms, reſting himſelf againſt the Summer-houſe.

Look ye, Junior, among Friends, I'm fond of her; ſhe's quite the Thing.— I've ſeen ſomething between you and her, but mum. You know my dear Friend I know the World; you have had her, I like her; and he who won't part from [117]his Woman to his Friend, has not a Drop of ſocial Virtue about him.

What makes you, Sir Taſty, imagine ſuch a Thing is practicable?

Come, come, don't be queer, don't hum; neither did you ever know a Wo⯑man that wou'dn't;—that's all. Pon Honnor I'll diſburſe, here's a Bill for Fifty, bring her up to London:—I know you're an honeſt Fellow. Huſh, here's our Elders.

Mr. Junior, my Lady, has given me his Honour, he'll now and then kill an Hour this Winter with us in London.

If Mr. Junior can find any thing there equal to his Merit.—

You'll excuſe me my Lady,—I believe we ſhall have more Time to ſay fine Things when we meet next.—Will I ſee is ready,— ſo Dr. Jack Adieu, as the Ghoſt ſays in Hamlet. Farewell, remem⯑ber me.

Junior began now to believe there was ſuch a Thing as being in Luck, and that he was the identical Exiſtence, that For⯑tune [118]had fix'd on for her Favourite, with the Landlady. Under Pretence of ta⯑king an Airing, he gallop'd off; and after a few Days croſſing the Country, to avoid Purſuit, they arriv'd ſafe in London; of which in about a Week more he inform'd Sir Taſty, not forgetting to enumerate the mighty Difficulties, and vaſt Expences, which attended the Un⯑dertaking.

Sir Taſty, all in Rapture, flew to him, careſs'd him in the higheſt Manner, bid him command his Fortune, vow'd an eternal Friendſhip to him, and introdu⯑ced him as his moſt intimate, at Lady Dowager's.

CHAP. XIV.

IN the Beginning of theſe Memoirs, or Collection of Paragraphs, the Editor promiſed a Hiſtory of the hu⯑man Mind, but never declared whether it was to be a Male or Female one. If he intended to deſcribe a Lady's Incli⯑nations, he flattered himſelf—

For where is the ſcientific Page, that can lead us to unravel the whimſical Workings of a fine Woman's Fancy?

Yet they themſelves can account for the greateſt ſeeming Inconſiſtencies of their own Sex's Behaviour, as eaſily as we form a cometary Syſtem. Nay, I heard ſeveral of their Opinions upon Mrs. Belcy, the Landlady's Caſe; who, tho' ſhe went away with Mr. Junior, as we may ſuppoſe, for Love; yet, if ſhe did grant Sir Taſty a Favour, or ſo, ſhe was not ſo much to blame, as People might imagine her to be. This may, indeed (as the Lady ſaid) ſeem odd to ſome ſtrange Mortals, but they muſt be exceſſively ignorant, and ſhockingly abſurd in their Ideas, to fanſy a fine Wo⯑man could be conſtant. Beſides, as Miſs Juliet, the great Actreſs, obſerved, [120]Sir Taſty was a Man of Conſequence, and perhaps rich as Peruvian Mines, and generous as Woman's warmeſt Wiſhes.

Mr. Deputy's Lady preſumed, that Junior might grow cold, neglect her, and not give Madam Belcy ſo much of his Time as he ought, and ſhe did it to be even with him: For as Revenge is ſweet, this muſt be a very ſweet Re⯑venge—or perhaps (Miſs in her Teens, ſighing, remarked) that Sir Taſty might take at firſt ſome unbecoming Advan⯑tage, and hinted ſomething about a Maſ⯑querade, that terrible Auto-de-ſe to En⯑gliſh Chaſtities.

Harry Hatzell, an Intimate of the Editor's, hit off the true Reaſon at once — ſaying, the Landlady thought, that two Friends, like two Heads, would be better than one; that Emulation is Vi⯑gour's Whetſtone, and a Lady who has only one Lover, is as ill ſerved as a Town with but one Tavern in it.

To this Opinion the Tranſcriber ſigns, for ſhe wanted as many Friends as ſhe could get, to ſecure her from her Huſ⯑band's Reſentment; who, preſently af⯑ter her Elopement, broke up Houſe⯑keeping, advertiſed her, and was on his Journey to London to ſearch for her.

[121]The Baronet, tho' very vain, had not yet talked of his Miſtreſs either at the Star, King's-Arms, or Shakeſpear; whe⯑ther out of Regard to Mrs. Belcy, or Fear of her Huſband, is undetermined. He had Subtlety enough to have every Thing tranſacted in Junior's Name, and every Thing was perfectly eaſy with Jack, as if he had been her Huſband. Indeed, he came Home but ſeldom; he was eternally at my Lady Dowager's— he was her Ladyſhip's Right-hand— And he alſo became equally neceſſary to Miſs Faſh, who was but juſt recovered out of a Fit of Sickneſs, which Tom Fool's Baniſhment had occaſioned.

Every Day Lady Grotto was obliged to pay or return Viſits, Mr. Junior ſtayed at Home to divert Miſs Faſh at Piquet; for, ſince her laſt Illneſs, Cards were ordered her, by way of Alterative.

Grief, as Mr. Vellum very ſlowly ob⯑ſerves, is two-fold; 'tis like Cinnabar, na⯑tural and factitious; and Sorrow is dry. Drink therefore is held by ſome, as a wonderful Panacea; in Catholic Coun⯑tries, a Cloiſter is the Specific. Hang⯑ing, drowning, and ſhooting are uſed by the good People of England; but as they are only quack Experiments, not ſlaying [122] ſecundem Artem, the Faculty have not ad⯑mitted them into the Diſpenſary.

Card-playing is the beſt and moſt pro⯑per Cure, either for Love or Deſpair; provided the Patients are Perſons of Condition. Miſs Faſh therefore applied herſelf inceſſantly to ſo certain an Ab⯑ſorbent.

Junior did not in every Party with her act conſiſtent with the Character of a Gentleman; for when he wanted Luck, he made it. N. B. This is a Sort of a Secret, and, like ſome Phraſes in Free Maſonry, only known to the fellow Craft.

By Degrees her bad Run of Cards took all her ready Money; then ſhe played upon Honour; next ſhe pledged her Jewels to him; and, to redeem the Diamonds, ſhe was forced to leave her Honour in his Hands.

Thus we read of infatuated Victims making Compacts with the Prince of Pandemonium, his ſulphureous Majeſty; and becauſe he ſhould allow them to ap⯑pear in Splendor at preſent, give up to him for always, the only precious Thing or Part belonging to them.

O ye much reaſoning Literati, Why will ye not do ſomething more, than juſt tell us, like Guide-poſts, the Way we have to go?—Why will ye not budge [123]yourſelves? Do but once, ye Diſpaſ⯑ſionates, hold in a dozen Hands at Ha⯑zard; take off your own Toaſt in a pint Bumper, or feel yourſelves embra⯑ced in the dark Hour of Aſſignation; then ye would judge more like Men and Women of the World, and not expect we can become pure Philoſophers on this Side Fifty.

By the Vigilance of Miſs Faſh's Ma⯑ma this Commerce was diſcovered. Lady Grotto ſurprizing Junior and her Daughter, in what ſhe called unlawful Trafficking; but ſhe reſolved to prevent the Affair from being blown, therefore took the Gentleman to herſelf, and or⯑dered Miſs to prepare for her Marriage with Lord Pillow.

His Lordſhip was very polite, exceſ⯑ſively good-natured, vaſtly complaiſant, and ineſtimably well bred; if any Thing, rather too eaſy. Seldom ſpeaking in Company; not but he was allowed to have a deal of Senſe, only he had been often told, nothing could be worſe than to affect Wit. Neither was he very curious, becauſe Enquiries would have ſometimes led him into Societies below his Birth; and a Man of Faſhion ſhould never have any Thing to ſay to the Vul⯑gar. He was never guilty of any ill-mannered [124]Contradictions; but entirely regulated by the Advice of his Friends, Relations, and Domeſtics. What they told him to be Taſte, he believed to be ſo. Was it either to build or pull down, to clump, or incloſe, to ſubſcribe, to furniſh, to bet, to influence Elec⯑tions, to buy Pictures, breed running Horſes, or addreſs a Lady.

In Purſuance therefore of their Coun⯑cils, he paid his Attendance to Lady Dowager's Daughter; and Miſs Faſh not caring to diſoblige her Mama, and as Neceſſity, not Affection, had occa⯑ſioned the Intrigue between her and Ju⯑nior, ſhe gave his Lordſhip her Hand. The Wedding was ſolemnized with all imaginable Magnificence.

CHAP. XV. A Return to Fool Hall.

ONCE more, my good Reader, well met at the Squire's. You ſee the Company are drinking Tea in the Saloon; we won't diſturb them, they'll have done preſently. Here's a fine green painted Chineſe Back-bench—ex⯑cuſe my Boldneſs, but pray, be ſeated, and permit me to aſk you two or three Queſtions.

Pray, Sir, how do you like this Hi⯑ſtory?

So— ſo—

Why, ſo—ſo—be it then: A deal of Pains has been beſtowed upon it.

Very likely, But, pray, to what Pur⯑poſe? Would not your Induſtry have anſwered much better, had you em⯑ployed it to improve yourſelf in that Bu⯑ſineſs (whatever it was) to which your Pa⯑rents bred you.

That it what I would have done, O moſt friendly Monitor, has I been [126]brought up to any. We would no more ſcribble, than poor Strumpets would ſtrole the Streets, had we any Thing elſe to do.

Have you not ſeen Children raiſe Dams to ſtop a Kennel's filthy Current? Have you not alſo obſerved ſome grown Perſons cut Tables, Dreſſers and Sticks to Pieces?—Alas! Boys making mud Walls, Men whittling Wood, and our patching up Pamphlets, are all from the ſame Principle; a ſimple Inclination to do ſomething.

But as it is cuſtomary for Sculptors to chizzle their Names, Architects to make their Marks, and Painters to portrait their own Faces; ſo is it proper Authors, in ſome Parts of their Works, ſhould give an Account of themſelves; leaſt, like Homer, our Patron and Preceptor, after our Deaths, ſeven or eight Pariſhes may go to Law, or Loggerheads, about paying our burial Dues.

To begin then with my own Account.

My Father—alas! I had a Father— but Lady Fool's Viſitants are up, ready to promenade round the Garden. I'll poſtpone my own Hiſtory, and go on with their's—This Way, gentle Rea⯑der, along that ever-green Hedge-row— [127]croſs 'twixt thoſe Tulip-beds, and we ſhall meet them in the Muſic-temple.

Mr. Fool and Junior are earneſt in Ar⯑gument; Junior is lamenting the Inſince⯑rity of Mankind, the Depravity of Taſte, Decay of Trade, Encreaſe of Taxes, Abuſe of Power, and all the other trite Topics with which this Nation is now and then Pamphlet-bubbled.

Excuſe me, Mr. Junior, but there are Valetudinarians in the Body politic, as well as the Body muſcular; and when the Breath of Rumour blows, it puts them out of Heart, and they believe the Nation's Conſtitution to be immediately incurable.

Then there are always too many ano⯑nymous Writers, who (like Quacks) muſt ſtarve for Want of Buſineſs, had every Individual Underſtanding enough not to be impoſed upon by their For⯑geries; but they with ſpecious Pretence of public Utility, like a Toad under Sage, ſpread their Poiſon unſuſpected.

When Ladies and Gentlemen are up⯑on a Viſit together (in this Kingdom) the Converſation is divided, as it was at Mr. Fool's. For while Junior and the Squire were deeply engaged in the Buſi⯑neſs of the Nation, the Ladies were as [128]earneſt in expatiating upon Trolly, Gar⯑net, Trimmings, Dreſden Figures, Ser⯑vants Careleſsneſs, and French Varniſh.

Lady Pillow endeavoured to ingratiate herſelf with Lady Fool, and ſhe ſucceed⯑ed to Admiration. The City Lady was charmed to hear the late Miſs Faſh re⯑peat the Particularities of James's Pariſh; and then, ſuch elegant Notions as Lady Grotto had about fancying Furniture, and Notableneſs in domeſtic Management. They were prevailed upon by Lady Fool to ſtay a Month at Fool-hall, and Junior was included in the Party.

One Morning, after all this good Company had been there about a Week, Lady Pillow left her lonely, uneaſy Bed, much ſooner than is cuſtomary with the Delicate; her Mind was horribly di⯑ſturbed; ſhe fancied a Walk in the Gar⯑den would be of Service. There ſhe happened to meet Junior, who, like her, had roſe for the Benefit of Contempla⯑tion.

Her Ladyſhip, as they met, declared ſhe muſt needs ſpeak with him imme⯑ciately. They came cloſe to a many pil⯑lar'd Building, generally called the Pan⯑theum; they aſcended the Steps, ſhe threw herſelf into a Cuſhion-covered Window-ſeat; and after three or four [129]Sighs, which gave her animal Spirits ſufficient Relief, ſhe was enabled to de⯑liver intelligibly the following Words.

Mr. Junior, I find, that when a Lady has made one falſe Step, ſhe's liable to trip all her Life after—You know the Obligations you have to me, I know the Connections 'twixt you and Mama—I muſt have Mr. Fool.

My Lady—

I don't care what becomes of all the World—hear me out. He can't love this City Creature he has married: Gra⯑titude indeed. He has a grateful Spirit to all the World, but me—He behaves to her like an Angel—She loves him, but, indeed, what Lady would not?— Oh, Mr. Junior, help me—Mr. Fool ſhuns me—be but my Friend in this, all paſt Actions ſhall be forgiven; if not, by Heavens, tho' I myſelf ſink in the Diſcovery, all ſhall be known.

Will your Ladyſhip permit me to hear how I may aſſiſt you?

You muſt commence an Intrigue with Lady Fool.

What, Madam, when ſhe loves her Huſband?

Your Sex are not always thus diffident of ſucceeding with ours—but that's no Matter—She has not Senſe enough to love—no—I'll aſſiſt you, and let a Wo⯑man alone to win a Woman—I know her Foible—She drinks, Mr. Junior— Nay, you muſt have perceived her, ſince we have viſited here, to have been ſome⯑times on the wrong-ſide Reaſon. Leave me to prepare the Way, and be you ready to improve the Opportunity.

Junior vowed an implicit Obedience, and both well pleaſed, returned into the Breakfaſt Parlour.

There is a famous pantomimical En⯑tertainment, called the Contention be⯑tween Reaſon and Will; but tho' it is hourly performed by Mankind's Com⯑pany of Comedians, yet the Players are not ſo perfect in their Parts as they ought to be, the Study being ſo very difficult.

Now on what is called the Theatre, Actors and Actreſſes may keep up their Conſequences, juſt as they pleaſe, ſince they appear not in inferior Caſts, but only now and then like Eaſtern Mo⯑narchs, [131]with all the Pride, Pomp and Circumſtance of pageant Finery.

But we on Life's real and various Stages cannot preſerve the conſequen⯑tial Part of our Character; becauſe, as we are obliged every Day to make ſome Part of an Appearance, it neceſſarily follows, that we muſt ſometimes act out of Character.

Thus the once amiable Miſs Faſh be⯑came deceitful, and the careful Lady Greenſay is metamorphoſed into a Dram⯑drinker— once or twice in a Century ſuch Things will happen. In her Huſ⯑band the Baronet's Time, Lady Fool uſed to take a Cordial for Lowneſs of Spirits; and ſince French Liquaeum became tip-top Taſte, ſhe grew faſhionably fond of them; and indeed looked ſometimes as if ſhe had but a confuſed Notion of Things.

We don't ſay, tho' her Chaplain Mr. Rector did, that the Day ſhe would go out to look out for Tom Fool, her Lady⯑ſhip had been ſipping.

CHAP. XVI.

AN Opportunity ſoon offered, which Lady Pillow did not neglect. The two Ladies had been one Afternoon Tete a Tete converſing together for two or three Hours; when a Walk to the Indian Pavillion, at the Bottom of the Garden, was propoſed by Lady Grotto's Daughter.

Arm in Arm they tripped along; by Chance Junior was there; juſt when they were ſeated Lady Pillow ſtarted up, ſhe had loſt one of her brilliant Drops, beg⯑ged to be excuſed, and hurried out to hunt for it.

Now came on the fatal Time for Lady Fool—Always, it is ſaid, againſt the Death of noble Perſonages, the Uni⯑verſe is unſhipped, Creation's Anatomy diſlocated, and the Wheels of the World put out of Order. Monſtrous Births, Multiplication of Suns, Showers of red Ink, diſmal aerial Yells, and Jack-o-Lanthorn Dances are ſeen, heard, and wondered at.

Antient authentic Hiſtory abounds with Omens, and modern Memorialiſts [133]throw in a Prodigy now and then, juſt to grace their Annals with decent Horror.

For, as Mr. Lee ſays, when a great Man falls (i. e. one who has ſacrificed about two Millions of Mankind, juſt to make himſelf a great Man) yet at his Death Creation feels a Loſs, and Dame Nature, like a diſtracted Parent, tears herſelf to Pieces.

Is it then to be doubted, that at the Death of Lady Fool's Honour, the fol⯑lowing Portents were forth-coming.

Croſs the ſilvery ſhining Moon, a broad black Cloud ſpread like a mourn⯑ing Veil, as it were in Sorrow for the Lady's Loſs. Behind the Alcove, a Bittern with Bill ingulphed, deep in the reedy Ditch, ſounded hoarſe; the whoop⯑ing Own forſook its Ivy-tangled Cell; flittering Bats fled forth, blinking Bee⯑tles doleful hummed their nightly drone⯑ing Peal; the Houſe-dog howled dread⯑ful; croaking Toads crawled croſs the ſmooth-mown Mead; a noiſome Fog ſpread its unwholeſome Vapour; growl⯑ing Thunder rumbled over-head; the ruſtling Wind whiſtled hollow thro' the Rafters of an unroofed Barn, and a faſt falling Shower rattling, pattered againſt the Saſhes.

[134]But in the very Honey-moon of this Intrigue—nay, before even Lady Pillow could reap any Advantage by it —it was deſtroyed. Lady Dowager, too well experienced not to take Notice of the ſlighteſt Neglect, diſcovered that Lady Fool had clandeſtinely poſſeſſed her⯑ſelf of Lady Grotto's Property in Mr. Junior; this the Dowager took Care to inform Mr. Fool of, nay, brought him to be Eve-witneſs of his own Diſ⯑grace, unperceived either by his Lady, or her Paramour.

Tom Fool burſt into the Room, and in the Heart of Paſſion demanded Satisfac⯑tion; told Junior, he ſhould wait for him by the old Chapel, and mounted his Horſe immediately.

Jack Junior had a proper Quantity of faſhionable Spirit, which empowered him to back a bad Action with a worſe, in a few Minutes followed him out of the Room, where he was met on the Landing-place by Lady Grotto, who up⯑braided him with Ingratitude, for his wronging his Hoſt. As for my Part, continued my Lady, your taking up with ſuch a Perſon, after I have been weak enough to let you have any Thing to ſay to me, does not in the leaſt pique me—not in the leaſt, I aſſure you, Mr. [135] Junior; it only ſhews me what your Sex are, that's all; but I congratulate your Taſte, to be ſure, Sir.—Junior replied to her ſomewhat penitentially, and there would have been, it is believed, a Co⯑alition of Parties preſently; and, in⯑deed it was what her Ladyſhip expected, had not Junior recollected, that his Ho⯑nour lay at Stake, therefore he left her abruptly, went down to the Stables, enquired which Way Mr. Fool went; and hearing the Squire had Piſtols with him, Junior borrowed a Pair from the Steward, and ſet forward after the much injured Mr. Fool.

Lady Fool, whom Surprize had ſtu⯑pefied, ſat for four or five Minutes after the Antagoniſts had left the Room, like Niobe, juſt petrified; or, to make a more credible Simily, as when in the large Manſion, waiting the Family's Return, a ſola-ſitting Houſewife pores over the melancholy Page of Glan⯑ville's Witches, the Hiſtory of Hobgob⯑lins, or ſome other ſuch Daemon-raiſing Work; as ſhe reads on, her Blood more chilly circulates; an anguiſh Tremor agitates her Muſcles; if then the Wind chances to blow ope her Doors, ſhe ſeems fixed, as if froze ſpeechleſs; all [136]her Powers ceaſe from Motion, even her Life indicating Eye alters not its Point.

Thus frighten'd, and frightful wildly ſtaring ſat Lady Fool upon the Bed-ſide; and as ſoon as ſhe came to herſelf, ſhe rung the Bell with the utmoſt Vehe⯑mence. —Suſan enter'd on the Inſtant, with a Bottle of Citron Water in her Hand, judging that was what her Lady⯑ſhip was in ſuch a Hurry for. The Mo⯑ment the Maid enter'd, her Ladyſhip wringing her Hands, cry'd out, oh Suſan, what will become of me? I'm ruin'd Suſan, I'm ruin'd, what ſhall I do?

The Lord forbid Madam, but pray my Lady, how?

O Suſan, here happen'd to be Mr. Junior in my Room, I don't know how he came in, but I was taken with a Swimming in my Head, and he was lift⯑ing me from my Bed, juſt as my Spouſe open'd the Door. And to be ſure Mr. Fool flew into ſuch a jealous Paſſion, I don't know what may be the Conſe⯑quence; if he ſhou'd ſpeak of it Suſan, I'm ruin'd,

My Reputation, my dear Reputation's gone for ever.

Dear, my Lady

don't [137]weep, I'm ſure you'll break my Heart to ſee as how your Ladyſhip grieves yourſelf.—To be ſure my Lady, my Maſter his Honour has too much Senſe.

O Suſan, my Reputation, I ſhall never—

Do pray, my Lady, ſip up this Spoon⯑ful, juſt to recover yourſelf: To be ſure my Lady, Reputation's very well among poor Folks, and we Servants when out of Place; but you are a rich Lady, and a fine Lady; and great Ladies ſhou'd always be above minding Trifles. There's my Lady Grotto, why now ſhe wou'dn't take on ſo, and yet Mr. Junior and ſhe are greater than they ſhou'd be, that I know.

How Suſan, are you ſure of that.

Yes, my Lady, I'll take my corporal Oath on't.—I ſaw ſomething Yeſterday between them, made my Fleſh creep upon my Bones.—To be ſure Servants ſhou'd hear, ſee, and ſay Nothing; ſo I reſolv'd to do, only thought it was my Duty to tell your Ladyſhip.

The Wickedneſs of this Age! My [138]good God! Cou'd I ever think Lady Grotto wou'd have done ſo.—What, bring Fellows for her filthy Intrigues into my Houſe; if ſhe had a Mind to play the Strumpet, cou'dn't ſhe do it at Home?

Indeed, my Lady, I never lik'd that laced Coat Fellur Muſter Junior; and if as his Honour my Maſter ſhou'd come to any Harm by him.—

O Suſan, don't name it;—I ſhou'd never outlive it,—he's the beſt of Huſ⯑bands. —Oh, if my Lady Grotto's Fellow ſhou'd kill him

Dear, my Lady, ſhall I go and ſee for his Honour? Pray my Lady don't cry, do pray take this Tea Cup-full,— there my Lady, I'm ſure 'twill do your Ladyſhip good:—Crying ſpoils the Eyes; and ſuch fine Eyes too as your Ladyſhip has: For all the Gentle⯑men that come to our Houſe ſay, Mrs. Suſan, your Lady has lovely Eyes.

Lord, how the Wench runs on.

Indeed, my Lady, Grief bringson Wrin⯑kles, [139]the moſt faſteſt of any thing in the whole World; and ſuch pure White and Red too as your Ladyſhip has, and all natural too,—and that's more nor my Lady Grotto can ſay, for all ſhe looks ſo Cherry-cheek'd.

Oh, don't mention her Suſan, but go for Mr. Rector, bring him to me im⯑mediately.

Pray, my Lady, don't cry again, I'll go fetch the Parſon—pray my Lady, be compos'd—I'll leave the Bottle with your Ladyſhip.—

Now her Ladyſhip is left alone, her Eyes faſt fix'd on the Bottle, like an Infant looking upon a Map. Her Spi⯑rits were fruſtrated; ſhe wou'd have re⯑flected about herſelf, Mr. Fool, Lady Grotto, and Junior; but a ſudden Pain ſhot croſs her Stomach;—ſhe was ob⯑lig'd to have Recourſe to her Cordial. Her Imagination began to be abomina⯑bly hurry'd; Crouds of complex'd Ideas diſturb'd her; faltering disjointed Sylla⯑bles fell from her Lips; inverted Shapes danc'd before her Sight; along the Bed ſhe ſidelong ſunk; then heavy Sleep [140]Seiz'd on each dizzy Senſe, and cloſed her coquer'd Eyes.

As Suſan left her Lady's Room, the Maid was met by Lady Pillow; to whom the communicative Mrs. Suſan related all Lady Fool's Diſtreſſes; in⯑forming the aſtoniſh'd young Lady, that whereby his Honour, her Maſter, had found that Fellur Junior along with my Lady; ſomehow the Squire took it ill, and ſo they went out in a Huff toge⯑ther, and God forbid there comes no Harm on't:—To be ſure, as I told her Ladyſhip, Servants ſhou'dn't ſay much; but I think my Lady is but in a Diſpa⯑ration way herſelf, or elſe ſhe wou'd never have ſent me for our Chaplain to ſay his Prayers by her,—and away Mrs. Suſan haſten'd down the Stairs, leaving Lady Pillow to recover herſelf by De⯑grees. —And indeed we muſt do the ſame to attend upon the Combatants.

Tom Fool rode out, determin'd upon Revenge, and Junior as determin'd fol⯑low'd him. Mr. Fool, hurry'd away by his Paſſion, ſpurr'd his Horſe on, whipp'd, leap'd, and gallop'd. Perſons who are very uneaſy, do not chuſe to ſuffer any thing to be at reſt they have Power over.—The Place of Appointment was [141]about three Miles off: He ſoon arrived at it; and while he was there, amuſed his Expectation, by raiſing himſelf every now and then in his Stirrups, to look after his Adverſary.

On the moral Rectitude of Duelling, the Reader may conſult Jacob Behmen; —we have now no Time to do it, being oblig'd, as well as the Squire, to enquire after Junior; who, to do him Juſtice, rode out with a Reſolution to give Mr. Fool Gentleman-like Satisfaction. For Gamblers, like Women of the Town, muſt have ſomething of the People of Faſhion about them, or they can never expect to be introduc'd into Companies, where they may make their Market. Now, as no Man can be a Man of Ho⯑nour, that won't meet his Man, ergo,— every Man is a Man of Honour, that will; and for that ſole Accompliſhment, qualified to keep the beſt Company.

CHAP. XVII.

TO ſpeak, is ſomething ſo ſelf-pleaſing, that we are apt to talk, until we forget what we had to ſay. Thus it has happen'd to the Memorialiſt, whoſe Digreſſion almoſt drove the Hi⯑ſtory out of his Head, or elſe he wou'd in the laſt Chapter have inform'd the Reader; that after Junior had got out of the Park-gate, miſtaking the Servants Directions, he turn'd to the Left, in⯑ſtead of the Right; and at a Diſtance perceiving ſomething upon a Hill, which he imagin'd to be the old Chapel, Mr. Fool mention'd, he gallop'd up to it forthwith.

As he mounted the Hill, he obſerv'd it to be a large old ſtone-built Barn, and rode up in Hopes of meeting ſome Per⯑ſon to enquire his Way of.—He found a young Woman ſitting at the Door, of whom he aſk'd his Road; but the in⯑form'd him ſhe was a Stranger travelling towards London, and begg'd he wou'd beſtow ſomething upon her. Some Per⯑ſons when they are aſk'd for Charity, will give their Bleſſing, but no Money; others are more ready to part with their [143]Perſons than their Caſh. Junior was at this Time in a loving Diſpoſition: The Girl look'd wanton, and wholeſome, and they went in to the Barn together, hanging his Horſe at the Door, as his Girl deſir'd him.

That was what his very yielding Mi⯑ſtreſs wiſh'd for. She knew that behind the Barn her Man had hid himſelf, and was ready, as ſoon as the fond Couple had retired, to mount the Gentleman's Horſe, and gallop off with it, accord⯑ing to the Plan they had contriv'd, as they ſaw Junior mounting the Hill. Her Fellow had but juſt been clear'd at York Sizes, for want of Evidence, and they were tramping it to London; when Ju⯑nior's Appearance gave them a Hint, to put in Practice the Scheme before-men⯑tion'd. It was executed with all imagin⯑able Succeſs, and Jack oblig'd to walk in his Boots above half a dozen Miles, before he cou'd find an Inn to put up at; from whence he ſent a Letter to Lady Pillow, to enquire how every Thing was at the Hall.

All was Diſtraction there: Mr. Fool had ſo endear'd himſelf to every Ser⯑vant, by his Behaviour, that the whole Houſe was in an Uproar, when it came to be known he went out with Piſtols to [144]fight Junior. The Men went of their own Accord ſeveral Ways to ſeek their Maſter. But before this, Mrs. Suſan had reach'd the Parſonage; where ſhe found Mr. Rector deeply immers'd in electrical Experiments, endeavouring to diſcover an univerſal Noſtrum.

For the Vicar, after the loſs of Lady Fool, had given himſelf up entirely to the Study of the ſublime Sciences; ſaying, like ſome other odd Philoſophers, Women were unworthy a wiſe Man's Notice. As ſoon as Mrs. Suſan ſaw him; ſhe cry'd, Lord, Mr. Rector, you muſt come to my Lady immediately, ſhe's all out of Sorts.

If her Ladyſhip is out of Sorts, ſhe muſt be electrified;—that attenuates, that ſtimulates—

It may be ſo, Sir, but our whole Houſe is out of Sorts.

Then the whole Houſe muſt be elec⯑trified, as we fumigate againſt any epi⯑demical Diſeaſe; or as Catholics in their Exorciſms ſprinkle with holy Water.

I'm ſure Water won't do her Ladyſhip any good, its too cold for her.—So Mr. [145]Parſon you muſt come and talk about your Learning to her, for ſhe is but in a ſo and ſo Way, I can tell you.

Is ſhe not;—but I aſſure you, Mrs. Suſan, I can reſtore her:—I have a Spe⯑cific, —there it is;

with this I will do ſuch Things, that were the great Boyle alive, he wou'd ſay to me, Tu eris mihi magnus Apollo.

But you muſtn't follow, you muſt go along with me; and I'll tell you what, Doctor, bring that Thing Umbob with you;—it's like a Show, it may make my Lady laugh mayhap.—Mr. Rector, not caring to trouble himſelf with explaining any thing to Suſan, only thought fit ſilently to deſpiſe her for her Ignorance, and order'd his electrical Ap⯑paratus to be brought after him to Lady Fool's. As Mrs. Suſan and the Vicar croſs'd the Cloſes, the Maid let him in⯑to ſome Part of the Hiſtory, relating to Mr. Fool and Junior's going out together to fight.

When the Vicar, with Mrs. Suſan, en⯑ter'd her Ladyſhip's Apartment, Lady Fool was dozing,—her Woman too haſtily waking her, made her Ladyſhip ſtart up affrighted; and her Eyes opening upon [146]Mr. Rector's uncouth Appearance, added to her Terror. Altho' he was a Clergy⯑man, he had then nothing black about him but his Face and Hands; they were cruſted over by the Smoke of his Expe⯑riments, and Duſt of his Study; a true philoſophic Bronze, venerable as the Ruſt upon Medals.—He was a Man of too refin'd Notions to mind Externals. Superior to Form, and ſo much abſorb'd in ſublime Speculations, cou'd not con⯑ſult Dreſs, tho' he was to wait upon a Lady.—Muſt Man? Prerogative poſ⯑ſeſſing Man, claſſically and contempla⯑tively dignified; muſt he deſcend to think, to act, or wear Clothes like eve⯑ry-day appearing Mortals?—No, thus Mr. Rector anſwer'd Mrs. Suſan, who found Fault with his having a coarſe Flannel Night-cap on his Head, over which, Turban-like, a dirty Neckcloth was tied, and a much-worn red Bays Banyan cover'd the reſt of this Figure.

Lady Fool, ſtruck with the Sight, holding up her out-ſpread Hands, trem⯑bling utter'd,—My God! What's that? Jeſus! I hope you don't come to rob me? A more cool Imagination than her Ladyſhip's, might have been miſtaken in the Gentleman's Profeſſion. But con⯑vinc'd by Mrs. Suſan of her Miſtake, [147]the Lady aſk'd his Pardon; and burſt⯑ing into Tears,—with—oh, Mr. Rector, I'm frighten'd out of my Wits.

I opined, indeed, your Ladyſhip's Un⯑derſtanding was inſane, from the Incon⯑gruity of Apprehenſion, you juſt now was guilty of,—but nemo Mortalium—

Dear, Mr. Rector, don't talk of Mor⯑tality now, I have been dreaming of Death's Heads and Plumes of Feathers.

Give me Leave a Moment, my Lady, to conſult with myſelf upon your Caſe,— and immediately he threw himſelf into a meditating Attitude. He was like moſt of his book-learn'd Brethren; of an un⯑forgiving contemptuous Spirit. She had taken him for a Felon,—that he cou'd not paſs over,—but reſolv'd to let it reſt for a while, eſpecially as he concluded her to be delirious; therefore he deter⯑min'd to ſooth her by ſoft Perſuaſion, until his experimental Engine came; then he deſign'd to cure her by Electri⯑fication, and publiſh her Caſe with all the concurrent Circumſtances; and thus at once gratify the two moſt indulg'd, the meaneſt of all the Paſſions, Vanity, and Revenge. Setting one Hand by his [148]Side, and extending the other, he made with it a Sweep from his Noſe to his Knees; at the ſame Time pawing forth his right Leg and Foot, nodded his Head; his Bow finiſhed, he ſtood erect again, cough'd, hemm'd, and thus ora⯑torized.

St. Auſtin, Seneca, Cardan, Boetius, Plato and Epictetus, have diſcriminately, my Lady, elucidated to us the Preven⯑tion of Grief; and what Tertullian tells us upon that Head is worthy Obſerva⯑tion. Grief is in itſelf, as St. Chryſoſtom ſays, an Antitheſis to Joy; therefore the Poets have defined Sorrow to be joyleſs, or abſtracted from Mirth. Hence, by the Conſtriction, as well as Conſtruction of the glandulous Valves, ſtimulated by the Diaphragma's Suſpiration, the animal Spirits are jaculated into the la⯑chrymal Ducts, which occaſions Tears.

No, Mr. Rector, it is Fear for my dear Huſband's fighting a Duel, occa⯑ſions my Tears.

Pity it is, that Duelling ſhould be the Men of Mode's Noſtrum, when Electri⯑fying is ſo much a ſafer Panacea. I am, my Lady, conſcious of as much innate Bravery, as it is poſſible for any Man to [149]poſſeſs; but muſt I put my Life upon the impelled Velocity of a Bullet? Or ſuffer my Heart to be a horizontal Mark for the acute Point of a Rapier to per⯑forate.

Oh! Mr. Rector, how can you talk about killing, when that dear Creature, my Huſband, may a be murdering this Moment.

Madam, if his Honour ſhould be de⯑ſtroyed, I ſhall be as much concerned for him, as a Philoſopher ought to be— the Man who kills him muſt be hanged, and your Ladyſhip muſt be electrified.

Word was brought him, that his elec⯑trifying Apparatus was come; he bid it be brought up Stairs, and began to ſet it in order. Her Ladyſhip, who had ne⯑ver ſeen any of that Sort before, ſtared, and aſked him if he was going to con⯑jure; but before he could anſwer her, Suſan bounced into the Room, over the Machine ſhe tumbled, craſh! the glaſs Globe fell to the Ground, poor Suſan rowling about among the Pieces, ſprawl⯑ing, kicking and ſhrieking; but up ſhe ſoon ſcrambled, and ran at Mr. Rector open-fiſted; crying, Curſe your Rattling Traps-ſhe ſcratched, ſhe tore, ſhe bit [150]him; he calling out piteouſly all the while, and at the ſame Time my Lady bawling herſelf black in the Face, with bidding Suſan leave off; but nothing could ſtop her Rage, but an Inability of Breath. As ſoon as ſhe was out of Wind, the ſuffering Vicar aroſe, bald-pated, his Band torn, his Noſe bit in two Places, and his Face and Breaſt covered with Blood that came from Suſan's cut Fin⯑gers, which ſhe had mangled among the Bits of broken Glaſs.

My Lady could not bear to look up⯑on Mr. Rector, but begged he would go immediately to the Surgeon's, for ſhe vowed he looked horridly ſhocking, and vaſtly frightful. The Chaplain at that Moment caſting his Eyes upon the Look⯑ing-Glaſs, gave a great Groan, and ran down Stairs, crying out, a Doctor, a Doctor, for God's Sake. Oh, I ſhall bleed to Death: Conſider what the Loſs of me will be; mine is no common Loſs, the World will miſs me. O that I had but publiſhed my Electrics; then I ſhould have exiſted to After-ages, with Bacon, Newton, and the reſt of my bro⯑ther Geniuſſes, like me, Britons, like me, Philoſophers; but ah, unlike me in Fortune.—What, muſt I die ignoted? Die ſo?—Ay, ſo—that's it.—Die [151]ſcratched to Death—What, a Death for a Scholar?—I feel the Venom of her Nails now in my Noſe, the Poiſon aſcends to the Olfactories, the Cellulae of my Brain will be loaded, and I ſhall be diſtracted; yet, bear Witneſs, Neigh⯑bours, I won't forgive her.—More he would have ſaid, had not a Surgeon been luckily at the Hall, under whoſe Care we ſhall leave the Vicar, and wait upon her Ladyſhip, who was curious as the Reader may be, to know the Reaſon of Suſan's abrupt Entrance.

We have already taken Notice of the Confuſion all the Family was in at Mr. Fool's being miſſing; and that the Ser⯑vants went ſeveral Ways to ſeek him. Now the Stewards happened to be at the very Inn where Junior came to.

The faithful Domeſtic had him ſeized, and carried him before a Juſtice for murdering Mr. Fool; and as he could not give a very ſatisfactory Account about his Horſe nor himſelf, he was committed to Priſon.—This was the News Suſan brought in ſuch a Hurry, which occa⯑ſioned the electrical Cataſtrophe above mentioned. It may be wondered at by ſome Readers, that Lady Grotto came not at this Time to comfort Lady Fool; [152]but the Dowager was all this Time em⯑ployed much more agreeably, at leaſt, as ſhe thought; being taken up with writing Letters to every one of her Ac⯑quaintance round the Country, in which the Hiſtory of Lady Fool's Infidelity and Diſgrace was painted in a very plain and very particular Manner.

Not ſo ſatisfactory was her Daughter, Lady Pillow, amuſed. The young La⯑dy, after recovering herſelf from what Suſan had related, was a ſorrowful Wit⯑neſs what Trouble Mr. Fool's Abſence occaſioned; and retired to her Cham⯑ber, attended by that terrible Tormen⯑tor, Self-Accuſation.

After ſome Moments Pauſe, thus the unfortunate Lady began.

Yes, I am the wicked Author of all this—He'll murder that charming Fel⯑low —Shoot him thro' the Back—

The Villain that was baſe enough to take ſuch an Advantage of me, will ne⯑ver give a Man fair Play—Junior is an Aſſaſſin; Oh, my dear Tom Fool, that I could but be by in any Shape to aſſiſt thee—The Arrival of her Spouſe, Lord Pillow (who had been about a Month upon the Mountain's Moor ſhooting) put an End to her Soliloquy. With her Mama ſhe attended his Lordſhip to [153]Tea; Lady Fool ſent her Excuſe, being immenſely out of Order, and not fit to ſee Company.

That Lord Pillow might not remain a Stranger to Lady Fool's Illneſs, Lady Dowager told his Lordſhip, that an odd Accident happened here; you know Junior, my Lord, my Son's great Fa⯑vourite.

Intimately, my Lady, and I aſſure you, he has very much of the Man of Faſhion about him.

He has been one of our Party here; I can't ſay it was any Deſire of mine it ſhould be ſo; for, pon my Onner, the Man is a diſagreeable to me, as a Hackney Coach; however, Lady Fool is Miſtreſs of her own Houſe, you know, and ſhe inſiſted on it; I thought it was a little odd, whimſical, and ſo forth— but as I deteſt Scandal, I hate to be in⯑quiſitive; —however, Love and Murder as they ſay, will out. The Affair's over, and I am ſorry to ſay, her Ladyſhip's blown; for young Fool, her Spouſe (who was my Son's under Game-keeper) caught her and Junior in Bed together this Morn⯑ing. I am ſorry to break off all Ac⯑qaintance with her Ladyſhip ſo inſtan⯑taneouſly, [154]but it cannot be avoided; for how can I, Lord Pillow, ever look up⯑on Lady Fool with friendly Face again, after ſhe has ſo groſsly forfeited her Honour?

You are perfectly in the Right, in⯑deed, Lady Grotto; But, where is Junior?

Mr. Fool challenged him upon the Spot, and they are afraid Junior is gone after to fight him.

By all Means; or I would never have ſpoke to Junior henceforward, nor would Sir Taſty, I aſſure you.

My Dear, dear Lord, how can you talk ſo? Suppoſe now a Thief—

No, my Dear, you muſt pardon me there; a Robbery is one Thing, and an Affair of this Kind is another. With a Thief, you conſider Loſs of Property, or ſome other mercantile View; but with Reſpect to a Challenge, you are not to conſider any Thing.

No?

No—poſitively, no; except the Chal⯑lenge itſelf; that, like a Play-debt, muſt be paid upon Honour.

However, I inſiſt upon going away To-morrow. You Lordſhip, to be ſure, has a right Idea what belongs to your Sex's Honour; and I never yet, I hope, was deficient in what regarded me or mine. Therefore I beg your Lordſhip will make it a Point, that we may go off in the Morning; for I cannot ſleep with any Tranquility in a Houſe, the Miſtreſs of which has ſo lately polluted it with Adultery.

Here we would ſay ſomething about Lady Pillow's Sentiments upon this Af⯑fair, were we not this Inſtant interrupt⯑ed by the Vicar; who, ſending in his Duty to the Right Honourable. It was immediately granted, and Mr. Rector entered; his Band changed, Face and Hands waſh'd, Noſe plaiſtered, and Chin freſh ſhaved, in his beſt Suit of Cano⯑nicals, with a fine flowing flaxen full⯑curl'd Perriwig, crown'd with a high Foretop, and full-powder'd.

With a becoming Reverence he made a round-about Obeiſance; then with [156]humble Submiſſion, began a Petition to their Ladyſhips; addreſſing them, with beſeeching their Graciouſneſſes, that they would, out of the Benevolence of their Diſpoſitions, condeſcend to beam forth a Look of Compaſſion on that poor loſt Sinner, Lady Fool, who was now in vi⯑olent Hyſterics.

The Ladies immediately went to ſee her; and his Lordſhip, ordering the Chaplain to be ſeated, entertained the attentive Mr. Rector for the reſt of the Evening, with his dextrous Exploits up⯑on Heath-cocks and Country Wenches.

CHAP. XVIII.

IT is now Time to inform thoſe who have determined to read theſe Vo⯑lumes through, that after Mr. Fool had waited ſome Hours at the Place appoint⯑ed in vain, he began to conſider what could be the Reaſon of Junior's Ab⯑ſence. Certain I am (thus Mr. Fool ſo⯑liloquized) he could not miſtake the Place; if he had a Mind to have met me, he might have been here before now. Perhaps Shame prevents him— it muſt be ſo—Shall I ſearch for him?— No—Home I am determined not to return; and, upon theſe Words, ſpur⯑ring on his Horſe, he gallopped acroſs the Country.

After he had hurried along about thirty Miles, he found Night overtake him very faſt, as he entered upon a large Moor; he was quite ignorant of the Country, and as it grew dark, Tom Fool laid the Reins looſe upon his Horſe's Neck, and ſuffered the Beaſt to go which Way he pleaſed. The Horſe, kept with⯑out Food for the whole Day, was ſeek⯑ing ſomething to eat, when his fore Feet broke down the Earth, and he [158]fell with his Rider into a deep Pit, from whence Stones and Slates formerly were dug. The Beaſt died upon the Spot, and Mr. Fool, with much Difficulty diſ⯑engaging himſelf from the Carcaſe, too much bruiſed to get up without Help, was forced to remain below till Morn⯑ing, when he was found and relieved by the greateſt Accident imaginable.

One of the many elegant and inno⯑cent Amuſements which young Ladies of Faſhion kill Part of their Morning Time with, is collecting and arranging curious Shells and uncommon Pebbles.

To obey a Lady's Orders, the Morn⯑ing after Mr. Fool's Fall, Mr. Borlace had taken a Walk to the Quarry, Peb⯑ble-hunting; there he found Tom Fool, and had him conveyed to a Farm-houſe, the only Dwelling for many Miles round.

This Manſion ſtood in the midſt of a large uncultivated Common, which was overſpread with Furze, Thiſtles, Fern, Ruſhes, and Turf Pools, for want of being properly encloſed. For as it as divided into ſeveral Lordſhips, the Per⯑ſons poſſeſſed of its different Manors, were not unanimous about draining, diking and improving it.

Sir Selzy Simkrimp would not come in⯑to it, becauſe, as he told his Spouſe, [159]while he pointed his Finger over the Land Surveyor's Plan; only mind me, my Dear, if I conſent to this Affair, Widow Wail comes in for four Acres and two Perch more than I have.

His Curate took the Liberty to hint, that incloſing would be a Means of em⯑ploying a Number of Poor, whoſe Fa⯑milies were now ſtarving; that Charity was of heavenly Birth; that he hoped the Great, the Rich, and Powerful would now and then condeſcend to think, that the pooreſt Creatures are their fellow Creatures; made of the ſame Materials, quickened by the ſame Spirit, and ſup⯑ported by the ſame Elements. Then Sympathy, nay, even baſe Self-Love, would dole out ſome Superfluities to feed the Hungry, to cloath the Naked.

Let's have none of your Nonſenſe; (in⯑terrupted the Baronet) as to Poor, we have too many already, and damn'd high Aſſeſſments; and if theſe Wretches can get Children now they are half ſtarv'd, What would they do, if they had their Bellies full? I ſay, they that ſtand up for the Poor, only encourage Poachers, and our Game is thin enough already, ſo I'll not give my Vote for it.

[160]And, if I do, I'll be damn'd replied Squire Bitt, it would deſtroy all my Co⯑ver for Hares.

From this modern Way of Reaſoning, but one Conſequence could be ſuppoſed; it was totally neglected, except ſome Acres round the Houſe, to which Mr. Fool had been carried.

The Tenant of which Habitation, in her Youth, had been a celebrated Lady of Pleaſure, and dealt formerly with moſt of the Gentlemen belonging to that County.

When ſhe, according to the common Cuſtom of her Profeſſion, fell to De⯑cay, the neighbouring Gentlemen, out of Gratitude (as they will ſometimes maintain worn out Hunters) fitted up Part of an old Hall, ſtock'd ſome Ground round it, and gave it to her for Life. It was to this Houſe Tom Fool was carried.

About the ſame Time that Morning, Lady Grotto, with Lord and Lady Pil⯑low, took their Leaves of Lady Fool; her Ladyſhip immediately after retiring to her Chamber overwhelmed with Af⯑fliction.

Here—here—ſeems to be a Stagna⯑tion of the Story, or the Buſineſs of the Story; for the Editor, like a ſavage-minded [161]Tragedy Writer, has maimed, or made away with moſt of his Dra⯑matis Perſonae, except Mr. Junior—no, we have him left to keep Attention a⯑wake, like a Dance between the Acts; for ſomething muſt be done, Engliſh People love to be buſy themſelves, or ſee others ſo. Therefore, as this will be the laſt Time we ſhall have any Occaſion to mention Mr. Senior's Son, and that his Narration ſhall no more interrupt the Thread of our Chronicle, we ſhall, like a judicious Hiſtorian, al⯑tho' it is a little out of the Order of Time, put all that is to come to Hand of him in the following Paragraphs, which we would immediately lay before the Reader; but beg Leave to refer him to the next Chapter.

CHAP. XIX. The Concluſion of the Adventures of JUNIOR.

AT firſt he made ſlight of being ſeiz'd; but Lady Fool, to clear her Reputation, diſpatch'd a Meſſenger to the Juſtice, with a Letter, in which ſhe inſiſted on it, the Villain ſhou'd be made an Example of, for he had murder'd the beſt of Huſbands.

Lady Grotto gave up Junior entirely, ſhe deſpiſed him for the Abſurdity of his Taſte, to neglect her for a City Lady; and indeed wiſh'd he might be puniſh'd for his immenſe Ill-manners, in ſo ab⯑ruptly leaving her at the laſt Interview. Lady Pillow look'd on him as an Aſſaſ⯑ſin; and Sir Taſty declared pon onner, he cou'd have nothing to ſay to Mr. Ju⯑nior, till he had clear'd up his Character.

On his ſecond Examination, ſeveral very creditable Perſons depoſed; that he always appeared to be very much of the Gentleman, he always laid his Money very fair, paid his play Debts punctu⯑ally, no Perſon wore better Cloaths, or gave more Money to Servants on a Viſit; [163]but it is much more neceſſary for a Man at ſome Times, to be really a Gentle⯑man, than only to look like one in the Eye of the Law; all thoſe hi fine Ac⯑compliſhments were invalid. Mr. Fool was not yet found, an Order came for him (in Conſequence of Lady Fool's Letter) to be more cloſely confin'd.

One Misfortune ſeldom comes alone, for Junior found, on his Return to Priſon, an Action lodg'd againſt him by the Inn-keeper, for criminal Converſation.

Finding himſelf preſs'd by the Law, and deſerted by his Friends, he thought that Things were almoſt over with him; however, he was reſolv'd not to fling up his Cards, while there ſeem'd to be a Probability of recovering the Game, therefore began to ſcheme accordingly.

Hunger will break through Stone Walls, and Money he knew to have that hungry Quality. The next Evening, as the Goaler and he ſat Tete a Tete over a large Bowl of Punch, he, after a little Circumlocution, proffer'd the Priſon-keeper fifty Guineas, nay, pull'd the Sum out, to ſhew it him, to let him make his Eſcape.

The Goaler reply'd, he cou'd not ſay any thing to it.—Junior turn'd off the Diſcourſe in an Inſtant, as he knew his [164]Man, and choſe, as Othello ſays, He ſhou'd chew upon it; pretended to be ſleepy, and went early to Bed.

When the Locker-up had turn'd into his own Bed, he cou'd not cloſe his Eyes, the Guineas ſeem'd ſtill before them: He began to grow very reſtleſs, tumbling and toſſing, and turning. His Spouſe, whom he had not for ſome Years, before that Night, diſturb'd by his Over-wakefulneſs, was ſcared at the Oddneſs of the Thing; cou'd not imagine what it was. She a while lay ſtill, ex⯑pecting what wou'd come on't; but find⯑ing him ſtill continue inſignificantly reſt⯑leſs, began to rate him, for diſturbing her in ſuch a manner as he did.

Why, you muſt know my Dear, that the Gentleman there, our Priſoner, prof⯑fer'd me fifty Guineas, if I ſhou'd let him out.

Has he got the Money?

Has he! Yes, that he has, twice as much, I ſaw it; but that a'ant the Thing, I don't know what to do in it. If as how I ſhou'd take the Money, and it ſhou'd be blown, why then Lord help me.

Lord help you indeed, you poor To⯑ny, who ſhou'd blow it indeed, but your own ſelf. Howſomdever, let me alone, I'll find a Time to talk to him about it; Sizes won't be theſe two Months, and we heed nor be in a Hurry to get rid of him; he's a ſpecial good Cuſtomer, and a Power of the right Sort come after him.

That's all true, my Dear.

It's all a Fool's Head of your own, my Dear; as to the fifty Guineas, we'll get it, and he ſhan't get away neither.

No!

No.

Lord, if that cou'd be.

Lord, what a Wonderment you make about it; but come turn to me, and I'll tell ye. I'll make the Bargain with him; that one Night when you are gone out of Town (you can make believe you know about going out of Town) that I'll let him out;—ſo now do you mind me; you know the Hoſier's Houſe which [166]is next to ours, you have the Key of it, and the Frenchmens Chamber where they broke thro' leads into that Houſe, and you know there are only ſome Boards nail'd againſt the Hole.

I take you, my Dear.

No, but you don't, ſo don't interrupt me;—I'll tell him as how I can let him into the empty Houſe, and give him the Key to let himſelf out into the Street, provided that he will put the fifty Guineas into my Hands, the Moment I have let him out of Priſon into the empty Houſe:—This mun he'll agree to at once; ſo then only mind me.

So I do, Betty.

The Devil you do, why you're going to ſleep, now, you are.

No, Child, I a'nt; ſo you had no Occaſion to have given me ſuch a Punch in my Side with your Elbow.

Why, then, you ſhou'd anſwer me as you ſhould do; for, you know, I abo⯑minatiouſly hate not to be minded; ſo, [167]as I was ſaying—Where was I got to?

To the fifty Guineas, my Dear.

Oh, ay, ſo then he'll gi me the fifty Guineas into my Hand, ſo then I'll give him the Key, and leave him to unlock the Street-door, where you muſt be waiting, you know, with ſome more Help, ſo you'll ſeize him at once, and bring him back again; he can't accuſe you, you know, and I'll go out of Town to my Uncle's, he has wanted me to come a monſtrous while, and ſo then I won't come Home again till the Gentle⯑man is hanged or acquitted; ſo then there's the Money all ſnug, and not a Soul in the varſal World ne'er the wiſer.

This Scheme, as it was really a very deep one, the Huſband admired; and they lay awake until Morning, conſider⯑ing how, and in what Way, they ſhould put out the fifty Guineas.

Jack Junior, not having the ſecond ſighted Gift, remained a Stranger to this Plot. Obſerving the Huſband not to take any Notice of it next Day, hinted it to him again; but the Goaler begged him, for God's Sake, not to think of it, [168]for he wouldn't do ſuch a Thing for the World.

Perſeverance is as much the Property of a Gameſter, as a Lover—but it would not do—the Man was ſtill obſtinate— Junior changed his Plan, ſounded the Wife, and found her very pliable; ſhe conſented, upon Conſideration of Junior's giving her ſixty Guineas (ſhe had a Mind to keep Ten to herſelf) ſhe would let Mr. Junior out of the Goal, into an empty Houſe, and give him the Key of the Street Door, and he might let himſelf out; but he muſt ſtay till the Nights were dark, and her Huſband gone out of Town.

The long expected Time came at laſt, her Huſband was gone a Journey, or at leaſt pretended, in Junior's Hear⯑ing, to do ſo. Junior then went up with the Goaler's Wife, into what was called the French Chamber, and there he told out before her Face ſixty Guineas; after ſhe had taken up ſeveral and exa⯑mined them, they that were not filed or falſe, he re-placed them in the Bag a⯑gain, tied up the Mouth, and held it in his Hand, ready to make her a Preſent of it, the Moment ſhe had conducted him paſt the Priſon Walls. She had a Candle and Lanthorn along with her; [169]when they parted, he received the Lan⯑thorn and Candle, ſhe the Bag. Junior entered the one Pair of Stairs of the Hoſier's Houſe, ſhe went to the Goal-door, to let her Huſband know (who was waiting there) that the Gentleman was coming; and then ſhe went to her Bureau to lock up the Money.

The moſt Cunning are frequently the greateſt Dupes, thus it was with Junior; he had no Suſpicion of the intended Am⯑buſh; but merely by Inſtinct and Expe⯑rience from former Practices, he ſat the Lanthorn down in a Corner, and ſoftly opened a Saſh to look into the Street, and liſten if any Perſons were paſſing. At that Inſtant Mr. Mayor's Coach hap⯑pened to be going Home, with his Wor⯑ſhip and Family from a Viſit, and a Footman carrying a lighted Flambeaux behind, illuminated the whole Street; juſt as the Coach paſſed along, Junior diſcovered underneath him ſeveral Per⯑ſons with Watchmen's Bills ſtanding round the Door of the Houſe he was in. He had now need of all his Fortitude; without ſhutting down the Saſh, ſoftly on Tip-toe he ſtepped back again, took the Lanthorn, and hurried up Stairs in⯑to the back Garrets in Search for a Trap⯑door or Caſement, which opened upon [170]the Leads; very luckily he found one quickly; out he got, and after a Trial or two, found the Gutter would bear him; along ſideling he crept, his Hands upon the Tiles, until he was ſtopped by a Ladder, which lay ſtanding in his Way. This he conjectured might have ſome Communication with others lower; and after ſome Time feeling about (for he had put out his Light) he found a Bun⯑dle of ſcaffolding Cords, one End of which he made faſt to the uppermoſt Ladder, and depending on that, and in Hopes of more Ladders, he began to deſcend; what with ſliding and ſcram⯑bling, he found himſelf at laſt ſafe land⯑ed in a narrow Lane; juſt then he heard the Minſter Clock ſtrike One; guided by that Sound, he walked towards the Church-yard, where he expected to find waiting for him a Friend, and a couple of fleet Horſes.

For, unknown to the Goalor'd Lady, after he had fixed the Night and Hour in which he was to leave his Priſon, he ordered one in whom he could confide, to be in the Minſter-yard with a Brace of Geldings when the Clock ſtruck Twelve, and ſtay till Junior came. Jack rightly judging it was a Place which at that Time of Night few Peo⯑ple [171]would walk through, therefore his Groom and Cattle might ſecrete them⯑ſelves there; and alſo Junior could find the Place more readily than any other.

How did the Perſon in Waiting re⯑joice, when he heard Junior whiſtle the Signal! Not that it was Joy, proceeding from a Heart-felt Satisfaction, to hear his Friend was at Liberty—no—he was glad he had got Company. For Mr. Junior's Aſſiſtant, tho' one of the boldeſt Fellows living, nay, had actually fought a Duel, yet began to be very uneaſy; as he ſtaid a⯑mong the Graves and Tomb-ſtones, a cold Sweat bedewed his Face and Breaſt, and he was at laſt ſo far Pannic-ſtruck, that when the Clock went Twelve, he would have left Junior to get off alone, as well as he could, but had not Strength to get from the Tomb-ſtone on which he had laid himſelf at Length upon his Breaſt, his Hands croſs his Eyes.

There is ſomething ſo tremenduouſly gloomifical as Mr. *** obſerves, in a Church-yard at Midnight, and only then, as muſt appal the ſtouteſt among Men. This was what the Perſon declared to Junior, after they had got the Town upon their Backs; ſaying, Look ye, Jack Junior, tho' as to Religion, to be ſure, I know it all to be Prieſt⯑craft; [172]and as to Parſons, they are no more knowing than other Men—How ſhould they? You know, and every Body elſe knows, I a'nt afeard of no⯑thing; yet, damme, if ever I was ſo out of Sorts as I was, when I was among them Tomb-ſtones; and if I could have ſaid the Lord's Prayer by Heart, or any Thing about the Bible, I believe I ſhould have pattered no⯑thing elſe all the Time after the Clock ſtruck Twelve; for, curſe me, Jack Junior, tho' Iv'e more Senſe than to believe a Word what ſuch Fellurs as Par⯑ſons Jaw, yet I'll hold five Pound to a Shilling, and I ſay done firſt, that no Man in the World can ſtay in a Church-yard at Midnight, without ſweating for it.

Here would we give you the Anſwer his Companion made him; but they both began to gallop along ſo faſt, hav⯑ing found themſelves on the Turnpike Road, that they were too ſoon out of Ear-ſhot, for us to take down, even in ſhort Hand, the reſt of their Converſa⯑tion.

Now to return to the Priſon-keeper, after he and his Followers had waited themſelves out of all Patience, he diſ⯑patched his Wife back, to go into the [173]very Place to which ſhe had inducted Junior, and ſee what was become of him. As ſoon as ſhe had been all over the Houſe, ſhe bawled out of the Win⯑dow Jack had left open, Oh Lord! he's got out a-Top, he has got out a Top. The empty Houſe Street-door they cou'dn't force open, Junior had the Key in his Pocket; they were forced to go round through the Goal, and they ſoon diſcovered the Trap-door open, but not one would venture out; alledging, they had Families, and who'd maintain their poor Babes, if any Thing misfortunable was to happen to them⯑ſelves.

The Alarm by this Time was ſpread through the Neighbourhood, that the Gentleman Murderer had made his Eſ⯑cape; the Mayor was informed of it, and he ſent immediately for the Goalor, to be aſcertained of the Truth of the Report.

When her Spouſe went to wait upon the Mayor, Madam, the Goalor's Lady retired to her Bed-chamber, opened her Cheſt of Drawers, took out the Bag Junior had given her, and united it, to take Care of the ten ſupernumerary Pieces, which, as ſhe had bargained for un⯑known to her Huſband, ſhe was unwil⯑ling [174]he ſhould come to hear of, for Fear he might be angry with her.

Out into her Lap ſhe pours the pre⯑cious Treaſure—a—ha—oh, my ſweet Jeſus! Thus ſhe ſhrieked out, ſtarted up, and down fell all the Contents of the Bag upon the Floor, and ſhe upon them, daſhing her Hands up and down among them; for inſtead of ſixty Guineas good and lawful Money of Great Britain, there was nothing but ſmall Leads of Sleeves, thick Pieces of Glaſs ground round, Pieces of Pewter, and braſs Curtain Rings. There, amidſt the Heap, like the Story of Danae, done by a Sign⯑poſt Painter, ſhe lay in a violent Fit, not one Struggle of it feigned. After burning all the Matches they could come at under her Noſe, it was as much as her Maid could do to keep her from relapſing.

Her Spouſe returned from Mr. Mayor's with a very diſcontented Mind; his Worſhip threatened him to take the Goalor's Place from him, if the Priſoner was not forth-coming; all he comforted himſelf as he walked Home was, that, let the worſt come to the worſt, he had fifty Guineas to begin the World with.

When he came into the Chamber, where the Maid was ſat on the Ground; [175]holding his Wife's Head in her Lap; and all the counterfeit Pieces ſcattered about her, he cry'd out, What the De⯑vil, and be damn'd to it, is this?

O Huſband, it's no Matter—oh—but we're ruined, that's all—oh! Lord—then fell into another Fit; which, after ſome Trouble, they brought her out of; and ſhe told her Huſband, that inſtead of the fifty Guineas, the Raſcal had given her that Stuff which lay about the Floor.

Indeed, ſome People are to be pitied; for after he had liſtened with. Aſtoniſh⯑ment to her broken Relation, often in⯑terrupted with Sobs, and was convinced he was undone, without making her any Reply, down Stairs he went to look for his Horſe-whip; and juſt as he had laid Hand on that, he was laid Hands on by two of Mr. Mayor's Officers, and car⯑ried, by his Worſhip's Order, to the black Hole, for aiding Junior's Eſcape; who was then with his Companion, mak⯑ing the beſt of his Way to London, once more to cut a Figure; but whether in the Seſſions-paper as a Felon, or in the News-paper, for marrying a great For⯑tune, Time only can be the Tell-tale.

'Tis Odds indeed, but that he is re⯑warded for acting on the wrong-ſide of [176]Equity, ſooner than puniſhed for it; which makes out what Hamlet obſerves, about there being more Things in Hea⯑ven and Earth, than are found out by Philoſophy; if not, we might account why Viſage-wearing Roguery ſhall dine upon Turtle, and open-countenanc'd Honeſty ſtarve in forma Pauperis.

CHAP XX.

MR. Fool was very hoſpitably re⯑ceived at the Manſion-houſe, to which, by the Order of Mr. Borlace, he was carried.

With the Lady, who we have already mentioned to be in Poſſeſſion of this Dwelling-place, there boarded a young Gentlewoman, to whom Mr. Borlace was a great Favourite.

As ſoon as their Gueſt, Mr. Fool, was well enough recovered to ſee Company, they made him a Viſit, at which Time Borlace obſerving all their Endeavours to diſſipate his Melancholy were ineffectual (firſt making a proper Apology for his Abruptneſs) addreſſed Mr. Fool as fol⯑lows.

Sir, your Diſorder does not ſeem en⯑tirely to ariſe from any bodily Pains; the Mind is, I am afraid, concerned in your Caſe; I would not enquire into your Story, out of a weak or ill-timed Curioſity; no, Sir, I have been unhap⯑py myſelf—very unhappy—this young Lady has felt the ſevere Graſp of Cala⯑mity; we have all known what it has been to ſuffer; if you'll give me Leave, [178]Sir, we'll relate to you our paſt Lives; and you know, Sir, what we are taught at School, that it is a Comfort to the Sorrowful to have Partners in Affliction.

I am indeed, Sir, very much hurt in my Mind, yet ſhould be grieved to find any one ſo unfortunate as I am.

That, Sir, I leave you to judge; my Name, Sir, is Witwood Borlace, a Name, I believe, once as well known in the gay Life of London, as Fanny Murray's. I am a Man of Family, and conſequently a Man of Ambition; but the Mode of my Mind was not conſtituted either for Field Sports at Home, or Campaigns Abroad; all my Wiſh, Joy and Pride, centered in being called a clever Fellow.

To be a Man of Wit and Humour, is a Character eagerly ſought after, like the great Prize in the Lottery; and the World will put in, becauſe each Indivi⯑dual thinks he may pretend to it. But that's not the Thing, every Lady is not born to be a Toaſt, nor every Man to be a Genius.

One Thing that led me to aim at ſo pleaſing a Title was, I had a prodigious Share of Spirits, and from my Induction [179]at College, to this preſent Time, they never failed me.

I was forced, indeed, to leave the Univerſity ſooner than I expected, on Account of the firſt Piece of Wit I ever attempted. I put a Piece of hot Coal on my Tutor's Shoe, as the old Fellow lay aſleep; it happened to lame him in⯑deed, but that was more than I intended.

When I returned to my Father's, I was ordered to prepare myſelf to make the grand Tour, but an Aunt of mine objecting to him, how weak it was in Parents ſending their Sons Abroad, be⯑fore they had ſeen their own Country, I had Liberty allowed me to go with her to Tunbridge.

I was ſoon take Notice of for my vaſt Spirits, and made Principal in moſt Parties of Pleaſure, until the ſatyrical Talent which I poſſeſſed, made me be thought too ſevere a Companion; and I was in Conſequence of that left out of ſeveral future Invitations.

This pleaſed me, for I was fond of being dreaded. I lampooned away, and enjoyed the Anxiety which it gave to ſe⯑veral at the Spaw, who would have poi⯑ſoned me if they dared. I had imbibed the Opinion from ſeveral Ladies of Fa⯑ſhion, [180]that to give Pain was the greateſt Pleaſure imaginable.

My Father had been ſome Years a Widower, and juſt as I came of Age, dying, left me a large unincumbered Eſtate, with ſome Thouſands in ready Money; then I began to execute my Plan, which was, to be the tip-top Fel⯑low for Fun, Frolick, Wit and Hu⯑mour upon the Town.

I gave over all Thoughts of going a⯑broad, being conſcious that my own Country could furniſh me with Curioſi⯑ties enow for Entertainment; however, that I might not be diſeſteemed for a De⯑ficiency of Taſte, I employed Perſons, who underſtood thoſe Things, to furniſh me with a proper Quantity of Pictures, Etchings, Medals, Bronzes, Cameo's, Intaglias, Antiques and Petrifactions.

While my Houſe, Cabinets and Cu⯑rioſities were fitting up in London, I went to an Eſtate I had in Cornwall, with half a Dozen exceſſive droll Fellows, to practiſe all the Species of Wit and Hu⯑mour I intended to be excellent in.

After being abſent a Year, I burſt on the Town a Prodigy. I was allowed to be the greateſt Genius that ever embelliſhed an Evening's Converſation. I could take off Ryan, and the blind Man with his [181]Bladder and String. I could play upon my Coat's Skirt like a Bag-pipe, and make an old Woman's Face upon my Hand. I could make a Fiddle go like a German Flute, and grunt with my Mouth like an Organ; could do all the London Cries, and play a Solo upon a Broomſtick; ſound a Trumpet from the Corner of my Hat, and play a Volun⯑tary by ſnapping my Fingers. I was the beſt Hand in England upon the Salt⯑box, and nobody ſung the Welch Song like me; then I could growl like Quin, and ſquint like Parſon Whitfield; and every Body allowed, at my own Table, I ſaid as many good Things as any Man in England.

There we was one Thing very remark⯑able about me, which was, tho' I had an exceſſive Share of Spirits, they never hurried me into any particular Extrava⯑gancies. I deteſted Gaming; as to toſ⯑ſing up for the Reckoning now and then, or buying a few Lottery Tickets, juſt to make Preſents with, thoſe were Trifles not worth talking of, and what would not hurt any Body; but I was determined never to be taken in. So, tho' I have had all the tip-top Women of the Town, they never had me; they loved me as a clever Fellow, but I was too knowing [182]to be a Keeper; I have, indeed, ſome⯑times made one Lady a Preſent of a Piece of Plate, and folded up a Bank-bill two or three Times, and flung it by way of Frolick at another; What then? I was not ſcheemed out of it, tho' I uſed to lie with them, they never had a Penny from me; as to any Thing elſe, who the Devil would deny giving a fine Woman now and the forty or fifty Gui⯑neas, provided a Man was not made their Dupe, which they honeſtly confeſ⯑ſed to me I was not; they could not fi⯑neſſe me.

While I was amuſing myſelf in this Manner. I received a little Damage from a Gentleman, whoſe Wife I had toaſted as a Demirep; I retired into the Country a little while to recruit both my Conſti⯑tution and Circumſtances; for tho' I had not been very high above five Years, I had ſomehow or other run my Eſtate a little out of Breath.

During my being ruſticated, I mar⯑ried an Heireſs with 7000 l. in her own Hands, which ſhe put me in Poſſeſſion of on the Day of Marriage; but had ſhe not been one of the fineſt Women in England, as to Perſon, her Money ſhould never have made me trammel myſelf in the matrimonial Tether. I was [183]always too full of Spirits for a domeſtic ſedentary Life, I could not bear Con⯑finement, cooped up like a tame Rab⯑bit; no, I muſt run wild about the Fo⯑reſt like a free bred Buck, or, as Lo⯑thario ‘ſays, like the Birds, great Na⯑ture's happy Commoners.’

I brought my Bride up to Town, to let the World bear Witneſs to my Hap⯑pineſs; I ſhowed her off at every public Place; ſhe was not quite ſo fond of Oſ⯑tentation as ſhe ought to have been; I could perceive Operas and Routs not ſo infinitely agreeable to her, as I could have wiſhed them; ſhe was rather too rural in her Taſte; for by all that's odd, ſhe whiſpered me in the Ear only at the ſecond Maſquerade we were at, that ſhe thought it very inſipid. Superlatively ſimple you muſt ſuppoſe her to be, not but now and then ſhe was well enough: In her Opinion, as far as an Engliſh Au⯑thor; or, as Garrick's acting, any Thing in the ſerious Way pleaſed her well enough.

There is ſomething in that Garrick's Execution exceſſively clever; I can, I believe, without Vanity, do as many droll Things, as all the choice Spirits put together; but I don't know how it is, I never could get at what he does; as to [184]the reſt of the Actors, I was at Home; but he has got a Sort of a Knack that's paſt finding out, and yet he ſeems ſo eaſy in what he does, as if it was natural to him. I believe, in acting, as well as free Maſonry, there's a Secret not to be divulged. I beg Pardon, Sir, for this Obſervation, but theatrical Knowledge is as uſeful for a Man of Fortune in London, as claſſical Knowledge is at the Univerſity.

My Wife, after we had been in Town about two Months, began, tho' in the moſt tender Manner, to complain I ab⯑ſented myſelf too much from her, wiſh'd to have a little more of my Company, begged me, ſince I was ſo very entertain⯑ing Abroad, that I would indulge her now and then with my Converſation at Home. It went againſt me, I muſt confeſs, to deny her, but I had ſo many Invitations, and was ſo univerſally ad⯑mired as a Companion, I could not help it; as to pleaſing one's Wife, or the Pleaſure a Man can receive from her Ap⯑plauſe, it was not forcible enough for one of my Spirits, yet I made a ſecret Reſolution, altho' I was too much from her at preſent, when I grew old, ſhe ſhould have me all to herſelf.

[185]I have ſometimes ſince thought, that a Man may have too great a Quantity of Spi⯑rits; for I could not ſtay at Home, and I was fearful too if I had, that the World would have given out, I had drowned my Faculties in the Cawdle-cup. The Ambition I had to be counted the cle⯑vereſt Fellow in England, forced me to enter too much into the Spirit of Things. I ſat up too late, drank too deep, uſed rather too much Ridicule, and ſlighted the fineſt Woman in England, and all often againſt my Inclination — but he who has a Mind to gain a great Name, muſt ſacrifice his private Connections to the Opinions of the Public.

My Wife, to wean me, as ſhe thought, from what here Country Simplicity called dangerous Habits, told me, that moſt of my Friends, tho' ſhe would not parti⯑cularize them, were Villains; that they had at different Times hinted Love to her, therefore begged me to be more at Home, if it was only to protect her from ſuch Inſults for the future.

But I ſaw through the Scheme; ſhe was a good Girl, but a bad Politician. I ſmiled and told her, Politeneſs and Sincerity were as incompatible, as Hudi⯑bras and Algebra, or common Senſe and much Ceremony; that the more Men [186]made Love to my Wife, only proclaim'd the more the Goodneſs of my Taſte, in fixing upon ſo ineſtimable a Jewel. I was conſcious, I told her, ſhe loved me, bid her not be whimſical, chucked her under the Chin, vowed I adored her, ordered a Chair, and dined with Lucy Cooper.

I muſt confeſs, I believe the Lady I married, was not only one of the fineſt Women in England, but as good a one as ever lived. I had not indeed an Opportunity to diſcover all her good Qualities; but this was the Character every Body gave her. I ſhould not have been a Stranger to her Perfections, had not an unlucky Accident happened, which deprived me from conſidering her in ſo amiable a Light as I ought to have done; but Reflections are ridiculous, few People know the Value of an Eſ⯑tate, till they have made away with it.

Thus it happen'd with me, Sir; I had not been married to her much above a Twelvemonth, before I loſt her; that was another Joke carried a little too far too. But a Man at all Times don't know where to ſtop, when he is in high Spirits.

You muſt know, Sir, on Afternoon, my Wife then had juſt been brought to [187]Bed a Week. I had dined that Day at Tomkyns's; I was in high Spirits, and took three or four Friends Home with me, to hum an old Parſon, a Relation of my Wife's, whom I had promiſed to ſpend the Evening with. I knew I ſhou'd undergo a Jobation from him; but to ſtop his Mouth, Sir Grecian Grigg and I began a ſham Fight, in the old one's Company.

One of my Wife's fooliſh Maids run ſcreaming to her Miſtreſs, that I ſhou'd be murdered among the drawn Swords, and in ſpite of her Servants, my Wife was ſo Headſtrong, that ſhe wou'd come down Stairs only in her Wrapper and Slippers, altho' ſhe had not lain in above ſeven or eight Days.

We ſoon convinc'd her it was only a Piece of Wit and Humour; but to ſee how uneven the Tempers of ſome La⯑dies are; tho' ſhe tripp'd down Stairs as nimble as a Wench at a Wake, her Spirits took ſuch a Turn, that it was as much as all her Maids cou'd do to lift her up Stairs again.—She died in three Day's Time: I fancy ſhe was piqued to be taken in ſo—

However, no Man cou'd be more afflicted at parting from his Wife than I was: I had loſt one of the fineſt Figures [188]in England. Indeed I erected a fine Monument for her, and kept my Room a whole Week, to compoſe her Epitaph, and without Vanity, I may ſay, that no Huſband cou'd give more unfeign'd Teſtimonies of his Affection than I did, in the Care I took of having her Memory celebrated.

After her Deceaſe, I found my richeſt and greateſt Friends diſcontinued their Viſits. I was in Repartee too ſevere, for I never wou'd ſink my Joke to ſave my Friend; no wonder then they ab⯑ſented themſelves, as they had the Laugh ſo often againſt them, eſpecially now they knew the only Perſon was gone who took their Parts.

I had then no other Viſitors but thoſe whoſe Circumſtances made it worth their while to fill their Bellies at my Table, tho' they were ſure to be roaſted for it. I ſoon grew tired with thoſe to whom I gave a Dinner, only becauſe they wanted one; their Applauſes were as inſipid to me as the Careſſes of a Wife, three Months after Marriage. I left off Houſe-keeping, took Lodgings near Arthur's, and was balloted into the Jockey Club.

Here was a new Field for Game; I cleared away a few Acres of Wood-land, [189]juſt to make an exerciſing Place, run up a rubbing Houſe, bought a Brace of brood Mares, got my Compliment of Colts, and juſt till my own Stud was riſen four Years old, I purchaſed three or four capital Plate Horſes; for as I was determined to be diſtinguiſhed, I knew there was no doing thoſe Things by Halves, and to compleat me for the Turf, I had ſeveral Hints from Pond, how to lay my Money.

I began rather too late, I believe; for tho' no Man ever had better Horſes than myſelf, nor won more Plates, nor was oftener let into the Secret; yet, damn it, let them ſay what they will, there is ſuch a Thing as [...]uck, ay, and bad Luck too; for in about five Years, my Eſtate, my Horſes and Grooms all gallopped away to the Devil, leaving me at a dead Stand-ſtill, in a Spunging-houſe, tho' there I had the Satisfaction to hear the Baileys allow, that they be⯑lieved me to be one of the clevereſt Gentlemen in England.

After I had recovered my Liberty, I entered into Life as droll as ever I was, not quite ſo rich tho': But what is Mo⯑ney to a Man of Spirit? I uſed to treat, now I was treated; toſſed into the Reckoning; but I was welcome every [190]where, and every Body admired my vaſt Sprits.

Pray, Sir, did not you begin to think?

No, Sir, when a Man of Wit and Humour begins to think, he loſes all Pretenſions to thoſe Titles, as a Beauty ceaſes to be a Toaſt, when ſhe becomes a married Woman. Beſides, I really lived ſo joyous, I had no Time for Reflection. I uſed to be engaged from Party to Party, that I had no Hours to myſelf, nor indeed did I wiſh for any; I was juſt like a new celebrated Woman of Pleaſure, every one wiſhed to be in Company with me.

As to the Woman of the Town, I viſited all of them, and knew every De⯑mirep, and freſh Face; and as it was not in my Power to be as generous to them as I had been, I reſolved to be uſe⯑ful in helping them to ſeveral rich Bucks of my Acquaintance, who could not ſo conveniently have met together, had I not contrived it. I did it to ſerve my Friends, and looked upon it as a Point of Honour, ſo did the Girls; for tho' Prudes may ſay what they will, thoſe Sort of Women have more Honour a⯑bout them than People imagine. They [191]always received me with open Arms, but a Man may be ſick with Sweet-meats; I was at laſt in that ſickly Condition, which the modeſt Part of the female Sex have no Pity for.

When I was tolerably well, an old Acquaintance of mine invited me down to his Country Seat for the Summer. This was a real Piece of Friendſhip; I told him ſo, when I conſented to the Pro⯑poſal: His Anſwer was, why, look ye, Borlace, you are a damn'd droll Fellow, to be ſure, and can keep it up as well as any Man in England, therefore you'll be quite in Character with me; for as the general Election is coming, ſuch a Man as you among my Friends is worth a Thouſand.

Away we went, in tip-top Spirits, Faith. I ſhan't tire you with the Tricks we played upon the Road, about our humming the Parſons, or frightening old Women, with telling them the French were landed, and our Fleets beat, nor alarming the Country Towns at Mid⯑night, with crying Fire. It was indeed one of the higheſt Journies I ever tra⯑velled.

After we had been ſome Time keep⯑ing open Houſe, the Country Gentle⯑men came forty Miles round to ſee and [192]hear me. I began to be ſo neceſſary to my Friend, for I could drink when he could not, and ſing; he knew no Songs, and tell Stories, and he had no Humour; that at laſt he ſwore to me, as we ſat over the Remains of a Bowl of Arrack, every one elſe had left us (it was about four o'Clock in the Morning) he ſwore he would ſettle two hundred Pounds a Year upon me for Life, and make a Point of it; he ſwore, ſqueezing me heartily by the Hand at the ſame Time, that I was the clevereſt Fellow in Eng⯑land, and ſhould live independantly.

But I was out of Luck, for it was but next Evening I gave Judgment againſt my Friend and Patron that was to be, about his holding a foul Card. He did hold it, to be ſure, and I was half fuddled, and ſaid he did; immediately he flung a Bottle at my Head, and or⯑dered his Servants to turn me out of Doors. About four in the Morning I was ſet adrift, without a ſingle Penny in my Pocket, or knowing where to raiſe one.

However, I came to a Reſolution to earn the Bread I ſhould eat for the future, and let it be ever ſo mean an Employ, I was reſolved to ſeek for a Livelihood. There were ſeveral Ways that I could [193]maintain myſelf in, for 'tis a very vul⯑gar Error to ſay, a Gentleman is not brought up to any Thing.

I was qualified as Coachman, or Cock-feeder, or a Game-keeper, or a Whipper-in, or a riding Groom, but I could not get Buſineſs in any of thoſe Employments; becauſe thoſe to whom I proffered myſelf, objected to my being a Gentleman, and I had no Body could give me a Character; at laſt, after hav⯑ing put myſelf into a proper Dreſs, I got myſelf hired to make Hay.

In a Week's Time, I found a won⯑derful Alteration in myſelf for the better, in Reſpect of Health and Quiet. I fell aſleep when Night came, without being obliged firſt to get drunk by way of Opiate; I waked next Morning neither ſick, ſorry, nor aſhamed, by the bitter Remembrance of how much like a Mad⯑man I had behaved over Night. I ſoon loſt a Hoarſeneſs which long had plagued me. My Legs fell into their proper Shape, my Wind was mended, my Eyes ceaſed ſmarting, my Hands were ſteady at Breakfaſt Time, my Fleſh grew firm, and I wanted no Wine and Bitters to make me eat my Dinner.

Thus I liv'd, Sir, for a whole Twelve⯑month, employed in one Part or other [194]of Country Buſineſs, till Providence con⯑ducted me to this Houſe; it was fitting up for this Gentlewoman, I was Over⯑ſeer of the Workmen, and ſince I am employed for her. Here we live retired, we have every Thing we wiſh for among ourſelves; we have ſeen the World, and deſpiſe, heartily deſpiſe its Vices and Fol⯑lies, and would not again be intoxicated with them, for more than ever we were formerly worth; no, not all the Pains and Penalties of the Inquiſition could ever puſh me into the ſame Path again.

Thus Mr. Borlace entertained Mr. Fool, binding with ſeveral Oaths, his Diſapprobation of every Irregularity, and that it was impoſſible for him ever again to run into the ſame Errors. Mr. Fool took Mr. Borlace to be indeed re⯑formed; nay, Mr. Borlace believed him⯑ſelf to be ſo—Who would not?—But alas, How can we pretend to know and read Mankind, when we are Strangers to ourſelves? At leaſt, this was Mr. Borlace's Caſe; for tho' he promiſed and vowed ſo ardently againſt late Hours, bad Company and many Bumpers, it is not above ſeven to four, or ſeven and a half to four at moſt, but if he had the ſame Opportunities, Abilities and Temp⯑tations, [195]he would do the ſame Things, he had done.

Reader, be not in Wrath that our Characters are not compleatly good, ei⯑ther after Marriage, or Repentance. We endeavour to exhibit Life, not ac⯑cording to our Wiſhes, but Obſerva⯑tions; and as we copy from Nature, muſt do as Nature has done. Only let me beg of thee to obſerve the ingenious Exhibitions of Mr. Hogarth; who is among Painters what Dean Swift was among Poets. His Performances muſt pleaſe thee, according to the Abilities thou haſt to be pleaſed.—Yet ſeldom doth he preſent us with perfect Beauties in his Figures, the Reaſon is obvious; like Shakeſpear, he is one of Nature's Agents, and therefore muſt act accord⯑ing to her Commiſſions.

In the anatomical Figures made by Monſieur Denoüe (which were not good enough for an Engliſh Collection) every Part of Nature is laid open; he aimed not to flatter, but inſtruct. Some Things indeed might ſhock his Pupils, but they were Truths they ought to be acquaint⯑ed with.

CHAP. XXI.

AFTER Mr. Borlace had ended his Story, the youngeſt of the Ladies, turning to Tom Fool, thus be⯑gan her's.

My Father, Sir, was a Baronet, his Name Sir Philpot Fool.—We muſt leave it entirely to the Reader's Imagina⯑tion, to form an ideal Picture of her Bro⯑ther's Aſtoniſhment. He ran to her, threw his Arms about her Neck, and as well, and faſt as the Joy of ſuch a Meeting would allow him to be articulate, he diſcovered himſelf to her. The reſt of the Day was ſpent in hearing every particular Tranſaction of his Life, from his Ad⯑mittance into Lady Grotto's Houſe, to his Delivery from the Stone Pit.

Next Morning the two Ladies begg'd Mr. Fool's Company into their Dreſſing-room. As ſoon as they were all ſeated, the eldeſt Gentlewoman, to prepare the Brother to receive calmly a Relation of his Siſter's Diſtreſſes, began by way of Preamble, to obſerve the vaſt Force of Paſſion; how much Inclination was ſtronger than Reaſon, and that Wo⯑man's Will was like a Whirlwind.— [197]Then hinted about Heat of Blood, Pre⯑judice of Education, Hurry of Youth, Deceit of Mankind, and all the other la⯑mentable Topics, ſo copiouſly declaimed upon by thoſe who do err, and thoſe who pretend to ſay they do not.

Tom Fool interrupted the Speaker, by taking hold of his Siſter's Hand, and preſſing it tenderly betwixt both his, with the utmoſt Affection in his Face. He replied, my dear Girl, do not con⯑ceal the Truth from your Brother, your Brother is your Friend: My dear, God forbid I ſhou'd hold you hard in my Eſteem, ſince I have been ſo culpable myſelf.

Miſs Ninny's Hiſtory.

The Reaſon, my dear Brother, that Sir Philpot took no Notice of you, after your being ſome Time at School, was owing to a great Quarrel between him and my Mama.

A Greyhound, which was a great Fa⯑vourite of my Papa's, kill'd her Lady⯑ſhip's Chineſe Pheaſant. My Mama made the Shepherd's Boy ſhoot the Hound directly; but the Moment Sir Philpot heard of it, he ſnatch'd her green [198]Parrot off his Perch, and with his own Hands wrung the Head off.

My Mama, Brother, had a Spirit be⯑coming a Woman of Quality.—A noble Spirit indeed;—ſhe never wou'd forgive an Inſult; but her Revenge ſhe wou'd have, let the Conſequence be what it wou'd; and I own myſelf ſo much of her Mind, that altho' I have ſometimes ſuffer'd for it, I wou'd ſhow a proper Reſentment;—ay, and will, tho' I was ſure to loſe my Life by it.

When her Ladyſhip ſaw her Parrot murder'd, ſhe flew into the Picture Gal⯑lery, and cut Holes in all the fine Paint⯑ings; which when Sir Philpot ſaw, he burſt open her China Cloſet-door, and broke every Thing to ſmaſh in it: This was a terrible Stroke; this my Mama cou'd not bear, ſhe fell into violent Hy⯑ſterics; and on the Inſtant ſhe was able to crawl, knowing you to be Papa's Favourite, ſhe made an Affidavit that you were a Baſtard.

This Action ſtupified Sir Philpot; for three or four Days afterwards he ſpoke to no body, but ſat in his own Room like a Man moped; and on Sunday Morning, it makes me ſhudder, when I think on't, Papa ſhot himſelf thro' the Head; but what was the cruelleſt of all, [199]he carried his Reſentment beyond the Grave; for he ſent a long Letter to his particular Friend, about half an Hour before he committed the Fact, wherein he gave his Reaſons for what he was about to do, and begg'd the Gentleman, by their long Intimacy, and as he regarded the Words of his dying Friend, that he wou'd make that Letter Public, and by that prove he was not Lunatic when he kill'd himſelf, ſo that his Family ſhou'd not inherit the Eſtate.

The Gentleman, to whom the Letter was ſent, liv'd about twenty Miles off, and he and Sir Philpot had been School⯑fellows together, and no two were ever more intimate; but the Gentleman was generous enough to ſhow this Letter to my Mama, and me, no body elſe. He was a Counſellor at Law; and begg'd her Ladyſhip not to be uneaſy, he wou'd take Care of every Thing for her.

How the Affairs were managed, I cant' tell. I ſuppoſe there are ſome par⯑ticular Methods in the Law, which, when People know how to make uſe of, they need not fear any Thing, at leaſt I heard the Counſellor tell her Ladyſhip ſo. Sir Philpot's Letter, inſtead of being pub⯑liſhed, was burn'd. And when the Co⯑roner [200]came, he was a mighty civil Man, and brought in a proper Verdict, by which we ſaved the Eſtate.

Perhaps, Brother, you may wonder, that after my Mama had got clear of thoſe Difficulties, ſomething was not done for you; but really Lady Philpot at firſt would not hear a Word of Family Affairs; becauſe, as her Ladyſhip ob⯑ſerv'd, they put her too much in Mind of the late unhappy Accident. And as ſhe was, and you muſt remember, Bro⯑ther, a very fine Woman, ſhe was ſur⯑rounded with Acquaintance. And to diſſipate her Grief, ſhe was hurried into ſo much Company, that we had not a Moment to ourſelves, or for ourſelves.

For really, Brother, People of Faſhion have more fatiguing Lives, than the lower Set of Mortals wou'd believe. Thoſe Perſons of Diſtinction I mean, who are willing to appear as ſuch; for what with receiving and returning Viſits, Auction Day's, Dreſſing and Undreſſing, Opera Nights, Routs, Aſſemblies, Break⯑faſtings, Plays, Airing in Hyde-Park, and Vauxhall, Parties once or twice in the Seaſons, I do aſſure you, we are in a continual Flutter of Diſſipations; and it muſt therefore be expected that fine Women, inſtead of thinking about [201]Home, are too much hurried to think about any thing.

But now, Brother, I am to claim the Forgiveneſs you have promiſed me: I ſhall faithfully relate Matters of Fact, juſt as they happened. I was barely Sixteen when we appear'd Abroad again; and Lady Philpot, contrary to other Parents, was pleas'd to carry me every where with her: But how unhappy are the young Part of our Sex; who are ſhown into Life unaccompanied with a proper Guide, our Minds tainted inſenſibly by our In⯑timates.—I am ſure however that mine was.

After Dinner, when the Ladies are withdrawn, Gentlemen, as I've been told, over their Bottle, often converſe toge⯑ther very looſely. Our Sex, I aſſure you, at ſometimes, are not much behind Hand with yours, as to the Topics of their Diſcourſe; only we are, I fancy, more delicate in our Phraſes.

I had ſome very intimate Acquain⯑tances, Ladies, who were rather older than myſelf, but were full as ſprightly; and, to uſe their own Words, hated Pru⯑dery. From them I was inſtructed in ſuch Things! My God! I have heard of People whoſe Brains have been turn'd by Pride; one Paſſion will intoxicate the [202]Underſtanding as much as another; I was almoſt mad for Enjoyment; to ſuch a Pitch I had heighten'd my Ima⯑gination.

I cou'd think, talk, or hear of no⯑thing elſe; and only the Fear of being refus'd, prevented me from aſking the firſt Man I met the Queſtion; they had made me imagine it muſt be all Elyſium.

A Gentleman juſt at this Time (one of our Neighbours in the Country) aſk'd my Mama's Conſent to pay his Ad⯑dreſſes to me. Upon his bare Promiſe of Marriage, which I only took to ſave Appearances, I admitted him to ſtay all Night with me in my Bedchamber; there I gave myſelf up to all thoſe pro⯑mis'd Toys, dying Murmers, and ſwim⯑ming Extaſies I had ſo long and ſo fondly fancied.

But Enjoyment anſwer'd not at all the Idea which I had entertain'd of it. Next Morning I honeſtly declar'd ſo to my Lover:—Confeſs'd to him, that it was Curioſity which had engag'd me in In⯑trigue; that I expected to have met with more than I cou'd expreſs to him;—but I found myſelf horridly diſappointed; it was to me the moſt momentary of all Gratifications, no ſooner felt than fled, [203]—troubleſome and indelicate, but the Pleaſure of a Dream, in a Moment vaniſh'd.

My Gallant ſeem'd aſtoniſh'd, and af⯑ter he had recover'd himſelf, as brutal and groſs enough to tell me in his Reply, I was the only Woman who had ever found Fault with his Abilities; had I been a Man, I cou'd have fell'd him to my Foot, for the mean Opinion he had of me. I contented myſelf with cooly replying to him, it was not the Actor, but the Deed which I diſliked; and proteſted I never more wou'd engage in any ſuch Affair. From thenceforth for ſome Time never thought any more about it, except it was to deſpiſe thoſe who extoll'd it as the ultimate of human Happineſs.

Still this Gentleman perſiſted in my granting him the ſame Favours as I had done; I wou'd not, he grew ten Times more importunate; I was oblig'd at laſt to beg my Mama wou'd forbid him the Houſe; ſhe did ſo, and added it was done at my Requeſt. This ſo far piqu'd him, that he immediately related to her what had paſs'd betwixt us; and not contented with that, went to the Tavern, and among all his Acquaintance told all I had granted him.

[204]It is impoſſible for me to deſcribe the Rage I was in; my Paſſion was ſo vio⯑lent it threw me into a Fever; but my Hope of Revenge contributed more than the Phyſician to my Recovery. When I was juſt able to walk out, a Gentleman, who lived in the next Houſe to Lady Fool's, met me as I was taking the Air: He accoſted me with the utmoſt Re⯑ſpect, ſpoke with much Warmth againſt the Villainies of the Age we liv'd in, particularis'd the ſeveral Follies his Sex were guilty of, and dwelt a long Time on the wicked Vanity of thoſe Cox⯑combs, who, as Horatio ſaid, fancied Raptures that they never knew; and I was charm'd to hear him. He conti⯑nued his Diſcourſe, aſſuring me, that he thought it the Duty of every Gentleman to vindicate injur'd Beauty, and begg'd my Permiſſion to be allow'd my Cham⯑pion.

By this Time we had reach'd our Houſe; I begg'd he'd alight and walk in with me. I led him into Sir Philpot's Study, and there I confeſs'd to him, that his manner of Expreſſion had w [...]n me to think nobly of him; that I was not ſo much irritated againſt the Scandal, as I was at the Author of it. This Gentle⯑man [205]promis'd he wou'd puniſh the villain⯑ous Boaſter in the moſt exemplary Way; nay, he ſwore it upon the Bible, before me that Evening; and that Evening, to encourage him in his Attempt, I ge⯑nerouſly made him a preſent of my Perſon.

Is it to be believ'd? Nay wou'd it be believ'd? That this my ſecond Poſ⯑ſeſſor was an Accomplice with the firſt. But ſo it was; this latter Villain had it ſeems taken a Fancy to me, and with the Help of the firſt, laid this Scheme to get me. I was innocently aiding this Piece of Baſeneſs; every Day expecting to hear of my firſt Gallant's Return from London. It had been agreed upon by me, that his Puniſhment ſhou'd be on the very Spot where he had propagated the Report; but he kept out of Town on purpoſe, till the other ſhou'd be tired of me. They carried on a ſtrict Corre⯑ſpondence together; this I did not diſ⯑cover until I had been upwards of a Month a Slave to his Deſires; I call it ſo, it was ſo I'm ſure to me.

Mrs. Vielled, the elderly Gentlewoman.

Ay, and ſo it is to moſt of us, that I inſiſt on.

A Letter I happened to find in my Room, which dropp'd out of the Con⯑federate's Pocket, open'd the whole Plot to me. I was for a Week almoſt ready for Bedlam, but my Reſolution to be re⯑veng'd overcame my Diſtraction: Juſt then Mr. Borlace came up to acquaint Mr. Fool there had been a Horſeman at the Door, who enquired for ſuch a Per⯑ſon as you are, Sir; but continued Wit⯑wou'd, tho' he deſcrib'd Mr. Fool ex⯑actly, and pretended to be one of his Servants, I have ſeen too much of the World ever to believe what a Stranger ſays, ſo I told him I knew nothing of you, and he gallop'd away in a Hurry.

Mr. Fool thanked Borlace for his Care, yet wiſh'd he cou'd have ſeen the Fellow; for then, as he obſerv'd, he muſt have known if he really belong'd to him, or was an Impoſter.

Why, this it is, reply'd Borlace, to overthink one's Self: I thought of every Scheme but that, and that as it hap⯑pens was the only one I ſhou'd have thought on: But however, Reflection without the Power of Recall, is like playing a Game of Whiſt at ſecond Hand.

[207]Come, Ladies, Dinner is upon the Table. I hope Mr. Fool will excuſe this Interruption.

Reader, we hope thou wilt alſo ex⯑cuſe this Interruption; but a Hackney Writer, as well as a Hackney Horſe, muſt bait now and then, or he never will get to the end of his Journey.

CHAP. XXII. Concluſion of Miſs Ninny's Hiſtory,

THERE came down at this Time, upon a Party of Pleaſure, with ſome more Gentlemen, a Colonel of Horſe. It was always cuſtomary for every Stranger to be invited to Lady Fool's; for my Mama was exceſſively fond of Viſitors. This Officer bore the beſt of Characters, and his Behaviour was ſo very engaging, that every body court⯑ed his Company. Lady Philpot, I found, was very particular in her Behaviour to him, and he ſeem'd to tell me by Eyes, he had rather have half ſuch Civilities from me.

Both Villains were now in Town, for the Week following there was to be the Races. I cou'd not ſleep, to think how baſely I had been abuſed, and had yet found no Way to redreſs myſelf. After ſome Time deliberating, I reſolv'd to apply to the Officer I juſt now men⯑tion'd. I ingenuouſly related to him my whole Story, and begg'd his Aſ⯑ſiſtance.

[209]The two, who had uſed me ſo baſely, were Men of great Fortune; it was therefore not any way a leſſening to his Character, for him to call them to an Account. He gave me his Honour he wou'd do it; and the firſt Day in the Race Week, at the Ordinary, he forc'd my firſt Lover to confeſs publickly, that every Thing which he had ſaid of me was purely Invention, acknowledg'd himſelf to be a Raſcal, and was uſher'd down Stairs accordingly.

My ſecond Gallant, who had that Morning in the Cockpit expos'd a Cy⯑preſs Handkerchief, which he took off my Dreſſing-table; but had told every body I had given it him, was ſtealing away on Tip-toe, after he had been a Witneſs to the Diſgrace of his Friend; but the Colonel, who had an Eye upon him, ſtepping betwixt him and the Door, ſtopp'd him; ſaying at the ſame time to him, calling him by his Name; and you, Sir, who pretend to diſtinguiſh yourſelf by the Title of a Gentleman, Where is the Trophy you have gloried in ſo this Morning? Here, here, my dear Cap⯑tain, reply'd the other, and trembling held out the Handkerchief to him; and who, ſays the Colonel, when he received it, looking my Gallant ſtedfaſtly in the [210]Face, who gave you this Favour do you ſay, Sir? No, no, no body pon my Soul Colonel, I found it in the Aſſembly-room laſt Night; that was his Anſwer.

A Laugh eccho'd round the Room, and the Colonel ordering the Door-way to be clear'd, ſent him out with the ſame Orders his Companion had receiv'd. This News was brought Home to me immediately; and I hope my Brother won't give me up entirely to Cenſure, if I confeſs I did not long heſitate how I ſhou'd reward my Hero. I was always violent in what I reſolv'd upon, eager to indulge the Reſentment, regardleſs of the future, and what I once intended to gratify, I was ever reſolute to ac⯑compliſh.

I never knew it otherways with young Perſons who had Paſſions; but Lord help me, I have been a long while out of the World, for I have lately heard a Gentleman ſay, that there are a Set of very gay-dreſs'd Figures of both Sexes about the Town now, who ſeem entirely diveſted of all Paſſions, and yet they have all the Marks of Livelineſs about them: They look without Expreſſion, they talk without Meaning, and liſten without Underſtanding; they move me⯑chanically, [211]meer Machines, like Show-images, for Taylors and Milliners to diſ⯑play their Workmanſhip upon; he call'd them Expletives in Society, and com⯑par'd them to Weeds in Bloſſom.

Lady Fool one Day ſurpriz'd the Co⯑lonel along with me, and from that Time began to treat me with vaſt Severity. The Counſellor, my Mama's Friend, got all our Eſtate into his Hands; by one Means or other perſuaded my Mamma to ſign firſt one Parchment, and then another; on purpoſe, as my Lady thought, to prevent me from having any Share in it; for it is incredible to how vaſt a Height her Hate was carried a⯑gainſt me.

The Colonel was commanded into Flanders, where he was kill'd. Lady Philpot ſoon after broke up Houſe-keep⯑ing, and went to the Counſellor's; and I with a little Pocket-money, went to board at my Maid's Mother's. Lady Philpot declar'd, I muſt never preſume to expect any Aſſiſtance from her.

I was at a ſmall Farm-houſe, where the good People who liv'd in it, thought they never cou'd do enough for me. I had indeed always been very kind to their Daughter: So you ſee, Brother, [212]tho' Gratitude is not to be found in fine Houſes, it may ſometimes be met with under a thatch'd Roof. I had not been in this Retirement above a Fortnight, before their only Son came to ſee them from London. As ſoon as he had a Sight of me, he ſwore there was not ſuch a fine Figure upon the Town. I did not underſtand the Meaning of his Speech, but I wiſh'd (as he was a well-looking young Man, and talk'd much of the Money he got, and the fine Company he kept) my Perſon cou'd win ſo far upon him, that he wou'd make me his Wife.

There was nothing I hope wicked in the Wiſh. I was drove almoſt to Deſpair, and the only Conſolation I had was, in now and then reflecting how juſtly the two Villains had been puniſh'd, who betray'd me. After my Maid's Brother had been in the Country with us for three Weeks, he paid his Addreſſes to me, and prof⯑fer'd to marry me. The Time had been, when ſuch a Propoſal wou'd have been anſwer'd by a Horſe-pond-ducking. But now, what cou'd I do? Oh, Brother, if there is one State on Earth more miſe⯑rable than another, it is that of a Perſon of Faſhion fallen to Decay. We were [213]lawfully married at the Pariſh Church, and next Week we went up to London.

At firſt I was a little chagrin'd to find my Spouſe was only a Waiter at a noted Tavern in Pall-mall, and all the Noble⯑men he boaſted of being ſo intimate with, always when he ſpoke of them, calling them by their Chriſtian Names of Dick, Harry, Tom, Will, George, and ſo on, were his Maſter's Gueſts.

However, he hired me very genteel Lodgings, and took me to all public Places, and often urg'd me to dreſs in a more gaudy ſhowey Way than I had been uſed to, inſiſting to me it was all Mode: But I, who had really been brought up as a Gentlewoman ought, cou'd ſoon ſee the Difference between what was really elegant, and the Affectation of it. Con⯑tinually was my Spouſe praiſing one Man of Title or another to me, for their Wealth and Generoſity; and telling me, as ſoon as they came to Town, he ſhou'd bring them to ſee me. This Diſcourſe at firſt I cou'd not readily comprehend: However, at laſt I made ſhift to find out, that he married me only to make a Property of me, and like the Wine he bottled, ſerve me up to ſome of his Men of Quality.

[214]In a few Days, he brought Home a very gay-dreſs'd and very polite Gentle⯑man, and left us together. I am not very patient under a trifling Injury, but ſuch an Affront as this, was much more than I cou'd bear. I burſt into Tears; the Gentleman my Viſitor ſeem'd much ſurpriſed, made me many Apolo⯑gies, and took his Leave of me very gen⯑teely, promiſing me his Protection.

When my—, I don't know what to call him, came Home; there is not in Language a Name baſe enough to call him by, who wou'd ſell his Wife. When he heard how coldly I had be⯑hav'd to this his Patron, as he call'd him, he beat me, lock'd me into a Gar⯑ret, fed me for a Week upon only Bread and Water, and threaten'd to have me confin'd in Mad-houſe.

But this Behaviour he found was loſt upon me; I inherited too much of my Mama's Temper, to ſubmit to ſuch U⯑ſage. He then tried gentler Methods with me; at laſt let me live as I pleas'd, only I was now and then oblig'd to bear a Viſit from the Gentleman he firſt in⯑troduc'd to me. I did neither fret in⯑wardly, or ſhow any Signs of Diſlike, either by my Behaviour or Converſation. Indeed I was determin'd to be reveng'd, [215]not only upon the Wretch to whom I had given my Hand, but alſo upon this Patron; he I reſolv'd ſhou'd take a Share in my Reſentment: For this very Per⯑ſon, the Man of great Rank, and con⯑ſequently of great Honour, had been privy, as I accidentally diſcover'd, to all the cruel Treatment I had receiv'd from my Barbarian. They, according to the Gameſter's Phraſe, play'd into each o⯑ther's Hands, juſt to make a poor help⯑leſs Woman their Bubble. Was it not right then think you in me, if I endea⯑vour'd to turn the Tables upon them?

The Perſon whom I have ſo often mention'd, that profeſs'd himſelf ſo ſtre⯑nuouſly my Admirer, was a married Man. I went to his Lady, related my Story to her, and begg'd her Pro⯑tection. Whether in telling my Story, I made her or her Huſband look Little, I can't tell; but after having ey'd me from Head to Foot, before ſhe ſpoke, her Face fill'd with Diſdain, ſhe replied, that ſhe wonder'd immenſely at my Im⯑pertinence, how I dared to have the Va⯑nity to be ſo horribly abſurd, a to ima⯑gine HER Spouſe, a Man of HIS Taſte, wou'd have any thing to ſay to ſuch a Fright, to ſuch a vulgar Creature as I was, and charg'd me never to dare to [216]under her Roof again, upon Pain of be⯑ing committed to Bridewell.

How I got Home, I can hardly de⯑ſcribe; my Limbs trembled with Paſ⯑ſion, I was in ſuch an Agony, my Speech fail'd me.—But luckily recollecting I had Revenge in my Power, I ſoon came to myſelf. My Wretch was gone to his Drawerſhip's Buſineſs; I diſpatch'd a Card to the Smyrna Coffee-houſe, to the very Gentleman I had juſt been complaining or to his Lady. He came immediately, I told him, that as he had often promis'd me his Protection, I had taken the Liberty now to demand it. He enquired in what manner he cou'd beſt ſerve me: I replied, my Huſband was hateful to me, as indeed he was, and till I was releas'd from ſuch a Wretch, I wou'd never let any Man ſee my Face, but hide myſelf down in the Country, where it ſhou'd be impoſſible to find me.

The Villain, to whom I had been married, was immediately ſent for; Ar⯑ticles of Separation were immediately drawn: He was immediately oblig'd to ſign them; tho' he fell on his Knees, wrung his Hands, begg'd me for God's Sake not to part from him. Had he be⯑hav'd to me but like a Man, the World ſhould not have parted us, but I remem⯑bered [217]the Uſage I had received from him. Reſentment kept me ſilent; and altho' it was but a mean Revenge, I con⯑feſs, I enjoy'd the Anxiety he endur'd, and left him without ſo much as ſaying Adieu, and found myſelf once more a free Woman, in very elegant-furniſh'd Lodgings at Charing-croſs.

I took Care to let the Lady, who had ſo ſcornfully threatned me, ſee by my Dreſs and Equipage, that ſo vulgar a Creature as me, cou'd be taken Notice of. I was reſolv'd ſhe ſhou'd know alſo who it was that ſupported me in ſuch Splendor; it was that on which I de⯑pended, to compleat my Triumph over her. As ſoon as ſhe cou'd be convinc'd I was maintain'd by her Huſband, all her Haughtineſs vaniſh'd. She ſent her own Brother to me, with a Propoſition to this effect: That if I wou'd break off my Connection with her Spouſe, I ſhou'd have an Annuity of fifty Pounds a Year ſettled upon me, and a hundred Guineas down.

The Situation this Gentleman deſcribed his Siſter to be in, the happy Life they had always lived before, and the Diſtrac⯑tions which were like to enſue betwixt two noble Families, determined me to [218]conſent to a final Separation; nay, I did more, for by my Means a thorough Reconciliation was made between the Gentleman who I had parted from, and his Spouſe. He has ever ſince been one of the moſt indulgent Huſbands; and at his Lady's Deſire, as a Teſtimony of her Opinion of me, has enlarg'd my annual Penſion to fourſcore Pounds a Year.

CHAP. XXIII.

TOM FOOL ſat attentive to his Siſter while ſhe related her Diſ⯑treſſes; attentive as a ſenſible Audience which follows Mr. Garric thro' all the Workings of Lear, Hamlet, &c. &c. the whole Pit ſeem inform'd with one Soul; ſmile, when he ſmiles; weep, when he mourns; and, like a fine In⯑ſtrument, play'd upon by a ſkillful Per⯑former, produces excellent Harmony.

Thus was Mr. Fool agitated during his Siſter's Story. After ſhe had finiſh⯑ed, tenderly embracing her, he thank'd her for the good Opinion ſhe had of him, in ſo ingenuouſly relating her Misfor⯑tunes.

Than he began a fine Diſcourſe about the Paſſions, and Reaſon, and Prudence, and Debauch. At leaſt if he did not ſay ſo, the Editor might do it for him. But alaſs, all Self-denial Subjects are be⯑come ſo hacknied among Mankind, that thoſe very Topics, which are ſo elo⯑quently expatiated in the Athenian Porti⯑cos, are' at this Day diſmally groan'd out in Tottenham-Court Tabernacle.

[220]Mute therefore be Declamation, and turn we to the Dowager Lady of the Manor, who had been ſilent almoſt all the Time Miſs had been ſpeaking: Yet, like a Perſon out out at the Whiſk-table, wiſhing the Rubber was over.

Mrs. Veilleid bowing her Head as Mr. Fool was expreſſing his Sentiments upon his Siſter's Adventures, begging Pardon for interrupting him, thus the elderly Lady held forth. The Pleaſures of Life are much like the old Proverb, great Cry and little Wool. I have ſeen many Scenes of Life, and am ſick of all I have ſeen. Unhappy Women, as your Siſter very well knows, ſee, hear, and know more than moſt Folks imagine; and were we to declare all we have ex⯑perienced, Mankind wou'd be aſham'd to look one another in the Face.

Poets peſter us with Precedents of Eve, Cleopatra, and the Epheſian Matron. We are frail, very frail, but what Man can boaſt of Infallibility, except the Pope. And I don't think his Opinion is held to be Orthodox: We are accuſed of ruining Mankind, of making Men mad; but I ſpeak from Experience they are mad before we have any Thing to do with them; mad to be with us, mad while they are with us, and as mad to [221]leave us, all their Lives only contrary Fits of madneſs.

I once was mantain'd by a Perſon whom the World call'd a great Man. He ſeem'd to be very fond of me, but his Deſires, were indelicate, irregular, and ſometimes prepoſterous. He was pro⯑fuſe in his Expences upon me, and rav⯑ing if I ever appear'd what he call'd in⯑different to his Favours. Yet he had one of the beſt, and one of the fineſt Women in the World for his Spouſe, and four as fine Children; all which he deſpis'd, for the empty Oſtentation of being thought the Poſſeſſor of a Woman, whom Hundreds had had before him. You ſee, Sir, I'm as ingenuous as your Siſter in my Account of myſelf. I deſpis'd him in my Heart for the Groſſneſs of his Taſte, in waſting Time, Fortune, and Reputation, upon me; who was unworthy to be Scullion to the Lady he abandon'd.

However, his Money was of Service to me, and Women of the Town, like any other Trades-people, are not to quar⯑rel with their beſt Cuſtomers.

I, like a Frontier Town in Time of War, often changed my Maſters. The next Perſon who own'd me, was a Being, whom I cou'd, properly claſs under no [222]Character; he call'd himſelf a Jemmy, had a very fine Eſtate, was very laviſh of it, in buying Nick-nacks, altering his Furniture, Harneſs, Poſt Charriots, and Taverns. Jaunting with me from Inn to Inn, leaving me no other Socie⯑ty than the Landlady, or the melancho⯑ly Amuſement of looking thro' the Saſhes, at the Carriages, and Travellers that came in and out of the Place where we happened to be. He was always boaſt⯑ing of the many fine Women he had enjoy'd; nor wou'd he let a Lady of Quality eſcape him; indeed he took Care where he told his Story. It was only to the Landlord's Family, who, like other Dependants, were obliged to be ſilent, and ſeem to believe whatever their Pa⯑tron was pleaſed to tell them. For my Part, I believe he was Innocency itſelf; for in the ſix Months of our dawdling together, I was a Weſtal to him; he converſed with me as guiltleſs as my Bro⯑ther. But with his all Vanity, and throw⯑ing away his Money, he never wou'd allow me Six-pence in my Pocket. This I cou'd not bear, and only ſtaid with him till I cou'd fix upon a better Chap⯑man.

I was recommended to a Man of great Taſte, that was the Character giv⯑en [223]me of him, very rich, but very ugly, As to his Perſon, Women of our Pro⯑feſſion have no Buſineſs to mind Out⯑ſides. Kept Miſtreſſes have no more to do with real Love, than Bailies have with Compaſſion. I liv'd with him in much Splendor, and great Uneaſineſs, fooliſhly fond of me in Public, and in private continually thwarting me.

He was indeed, as they ſaid, a Man of Taſte, but of a very odd one; for, as he confeſſed to me, Enjoyment was almoſt inſipid to him. All his Pleaſure was, to be known, to be well with ſome very celebrated Lady of Pleaſure; and has ſeveral Times declared to me, that he wou'd not give Six-pence to lay with the moſt exquiſite Beauty, unleſs ſhe was a noted Proſtitute. He was all for publick Opinion; but that Opinion cou'd not make me doat upon him: 'Tis true, he was generous enough; nay, ra⯑ther preſſing me ſometimes to take Mo⯑ney; for I am not the moſt mercenary of my Sex; but I cou'd not like him; and as he really ſaid, he proved too, that Enjoyment was very inſipid with him, nay, rather fatiguing and diſguſtful.

Let thoſe gentlemen, who are pleaſed to make what Remarks they think fit on our Sex, declare, that a Woman's [224]Perſon is the beſt Part of the Pleaſure; if her Mind or Inclination is not at all concern'd in the Agreement, the Gallant, whatever he may fancy of the Feaſt, has but an indifferent Share on it. I cou'd not entirely diveſt myſelf while he liv'd of all Acquaintance with him; for after we parted, at all public Places he wou'd haunt me like my Shadow, till I com⯑promiſed Affairs with him: He was to allow me five Guineas a Weak, upon Condition I walk'd with him at Ranelagh, wou'd let him drive me to Epſom Races, call of him in a Chair three Mornings in the Week at the Smyrna, Slaughter's, and the Bedford Coffee-houſes, and once a Week, in the Seaſon, ſup with him in Vauxhall Gardens under the Orcheſtra, while the Muſick play'd.

This Agreement I inform'd the Gen⯑tleman of, with whom I went next to live; but he was too careleſs a Creature I found, to concern himſelf about our Sex; he told me, that he kept me mere⯑ly for an Amuſement, he lik'd my Fi⯑gure and Converſation; but all he did for me was to pleaſe himſelf; that a Man of Senſe cou'd not be jealous of a Woman of the Town; as to my Time, I was very welcome to do what I wou'd [225]with it when he did not want me, pro⯑vided I was careful of my Health.

This ſtrange Negligence of his made a deeper Impreſſion on me than all the Aſſiduities I had receiv'd from others; cou'd he now and then, or wou'd he now and then, have behav'd but commonly civil to me, I ſhou'd have doated on him; but he was quite a Hottentot, he never had an amiable Moment. There is a Time when Tenderneſs takes Place of Riot, and even Savageneſs itſelf is ſoftened; but 'twas not ſo with him; he was al Hurly-burly. When I have artleſsly indeed expreſs'd myſelf fondly; ſomething like Love for a Minute ſteal⯑ing over my Senſes, he has interrupted my Indulgence, with pſhah, don't think to make a Fool of me,—Hum, Boys and old Men, ſuch as I am, are not to be caught with Chaff.

I quitted him for a famous Fox-hunt⯑er, the fineſt Fellow in England; ſo every body told me he was; tho' a great Lump of Tobacco, which ſwell'd out his lower Lip, the firſt Time he ſaluted me, gave me no great Opinion of his Delicacy. However, I accepted of him, and my Acquaintance congratulated me upon my Luck, in having ſo accom⯑pliſhed a Lover, a Man of ſuch fine [226]Senſe; ſuch he might have, I believe, when ſober, and a great many other princely Qualities; but I liv'd with him a Month, and he was continually fuddled; I part⯑ed from him-fearful of my Conſtitution.

The next Day after I had left my laſt Lover, I chanced to get acquainted with one, who was really a clever Fellow; but then he had not Six-pence; that I did not then mind, I had enough, and I reſolv'd, ſince for ſome Time I had been a Slave to Man's various Inclinati⯑ons, I wou'd make one of that Sex ſub⯑ject to mine; and after ſo much Labour, reſolv'd to have ſome Holidays.

For the firſt three or four Days that I had this Genius with me, he was the moſt entertaining Perſon I had ever kept Company with. But he ſoon grew out of Temper, he wanted to be in the wide World again; not contented to be with me, and have every Thing elegant about him—no—he wanted a Ramble: Regularity to him was a Barbary Slave⯑ry. I found him too witty to have any Senſe. There was no more fixing him than Smoke. Yet I was ſo bigotted to him, that I offer'd to ſell my fine Fur⯑niture, retire into the Country, marry him, and live honeſt, I ſhall never forget his Anſwer. No, Madam (he [227]reply'd) there's an Act of Parliament againſt Monopolies. You belong to the Public, and I have too great a Regard to my Country, to pretend to keep that for my own Uſe, which, like the New River, has and ought to ſerve half the Town. Beſides, ſhou'd ſuch a Thing happen, I muſt baniſh myſelf from my own Sex's Society; ſince I never cou'd meet too Acquaintance, but I muſt be very certain one of them, at leaſt, had lain with my Wife.

I was mad with his Refuſal, yet I own I admired his Spirit. We parted in a Pett; and altho' we both, I be⯑lieve, wiſh'd to come together again, neither of us wou'd ſpeak firſt. I never after that had the leaſt Affection for Mankind. On the contrary, they grew more and more diſagreeable to me; when a fooliſh Fellow of Fortune had me, his Behaviour made me loath him; when a jealous Man was my Maſter, my Furniture was always in Danger. A Sot impair'd my Health; a Wit ru⯑ined me; a Gameſter made a Slave of me; young Fellows fretted me; old Men fatigued me; and with a marry'd Man I was in continual Alarms.

I have in every Stage of Life found enough to make me miſerable; and [226] [...] [227] [...] [228]there is not any Set of Beings ſo contra⯑dictorily titled as we are, by thoſe who call us Women of Pleaſure; like Sailors, we get our Money in much Danger, and throw it away on juſt the ſame Follies, Dreſſes, Midnight Riotings, Hackney Horſes, and Spunging (that is to ſay) on gawdy Landladies.

CHAP. XXIV.

THAT Evening Tom Fool told his Sifter the Reſolution he had made, to leave England; but this Miſs Ninny vehemently oppos'd, deſiring her Bro⯑ther not to revenge himſelf upon him⯑ſelf; that all Raſhneſs was ridiculous. Mrs. Veillied obſerved, that the World was at ſuch a Paſs at preſent, that it was not worth any one's while to trouble their Heads about it. Borlace ſwore, that a Gentleman of Senſe ſhou'd never let Paſſion get the better of his Reaſon; and that we ought well to weigh the Con⯑ſequence of every Intention, before we committed it to Practice.

This Mr. Fool promis'd to do, and gave his Word and Honour, that he wou'd not determine in a Hurry on what he had to do. However, he ob⯑ſerved, as the next Day wou'd be Sun⯑day, and as he found himſelf ſo well heal'd, he wou'd go to Church in the Morning, to give Thanks for his Eſcape and Recovery.

Mrs. Veilleid, Miſs Ninny, and Bor⯑lace, look's upon one another as if, they ſaid, we fear the Gentleman's growing [230]light headed; they wou'd not contra⯑dict him, for fear of making him worſe, ſeem'd to approve his Deſign, but hinted it was Bed-time. After they had ſeen Mr. Fool to Bed, they returned to hold a Conſultation together; they a⯑greed nem con, that his Senſes were not perfectly ſound; and yet, replied Mrs. Veilleid, you ſee not one Obſervation I made at Supper eſcaped him; he has certainly a deal of Penetration: And who cou'd behave better than he did, (replied Miſs Ninny) when he com⯑mended me ſo, for the manner in which I had related my Story. Certainly, ſays Mr. Borlace, Mr. Fool is a very fine Man, yet he is not the firſt Gentleman of extraordinary Senſe, whoſe Head has by Sickneſs been turn'd awry: Beſides, conſider, he has only drank Water, Tea, and plain Gruel, ever ſince he came; his Blood muſt conſequently be thin, and poor, and run cold, and make him fan⯑cy ſtrange Megrims. You ſee he began about Church; we muſt not contradict him, but let him go; I hope it won't make him worſe tho'.

It was unanimouſly agreed, that Wit-wou'd, tho' it was Night, ſhou'd have a Horſe ſaddled immediately, and ſet off to Mr. Fool's Houſe, and let Lady Fool [231]know where her Spouſe was. Miſs Ninny wrote her Ladyſhip a Letter; then the two Gentlewomen retired to reſt, and Botlace gallop'd away full of Spirits.

Sunday Morning.

Mr. Fool went into the Church the inſtant the Doors were open'd; he had therefore Time enough to walk about according to Cuſtom, and amuſe himſelf by ſtaring at one odd Thing or another; as indeed there is in moſt Places of Wor⯑ſhip. As he ſauntred about, he might gaze at the Ceiling, pore over the paint⯑ed Glaſs, or read the gold-letter'd Ac⯑count of the ſeveral celebrated Bene⯑factors.

Imprimis. How a Squire left forty Shillings per Annum, for a yearly Sermon againſt Drunkenneſs, to be preach'd on the Day the Mayor was choſe.

Item. That his Honour left thirty-ſix Shillings per Annum to the Ringers, for a Peal to be rung on the firſt Day of April.

Item. How that the Lady of the Ma⯑nor left fifty Pounds to new Fringe the Pulpit Cloth, and line the Family Pew.

[232] Item. That the Reverend Vicar of the Church left two hundred Pounds, to buy a new Set of chaſed Plate for the Communion-table, and twenty Pounds for two Velvet Cuſhions, with Gold Taſſels.

Item. The ſame Reverend Gentleman left twelve Shillings per Annum, to be divided among twenty-four poor Houſe-keepers on Chriſtmas-day.

Item. Dame Urſula, is Wife, left ten Pounds per Annum, for ever, to new gild yearly, the Iron Rails round her Tomb.

There were ſeveral other Benefactions, equally as devout, eſſential, and charita⯑ble. But Mr. Fool took no Notice of any of theſe Things; it was odd indeed; but he did not ſo much as tranſcribe one Epitaph, to communicate it to the Public for a Curioſity, either for the Goodneſs of its Puns, or the Badneſs of its Spelling.

While he was at Church, a religious Awe fill'd his Mind, which made him ſolely intent upon the Buſineſs he came about.

Oh, reſentful Reader, whether you are a polite Perſon, or a witty one, deſpiſe not the Hero of this Hiſtory, for being ſo horridly out of Faſhion, as to be at [233]Church from a Principle of unfeign'd Devotion.—Remember he is but a Fool.

Thou and I, and the reſt of the joyous Claſs of choice Spirits, have too much Senſe to ſuffer ourſelves ſo to be impos'd upon.

When Morning-prayer was over; for it was not this Pariſh's Turn to have a Sermon every Sunday, altho' the Living was worth above a hundred Pounds per Annum, and held in Commendam with three more Pluralities, by the Reverend Mr. ****, Prebend of ****, and Chap⯑lain to ****; yet the Incumbent was ſo frugal in Church Affairs, that he hired a Cantab. out of Preferment, at ten Shil⯑lings per Sabbath, to do Duty for him at all his inferior Spiritualities; ſo that the Deputy was oblig'd to hurry over the Job, having no leſs than four more Churches to read Prayers and Sermons at, that very Day.

Tom Fool chearfully walk'd through the Church-yard, with a Mind fill'd with that heaven-beſtow'd Tranquility, which always accompany true Devotion; and as he look'd on the lovely Landſcapes around him, gratefully contemplated the Wonders of Creation.

[234]So much was he buſied in Mediation, he miſtook his Road; being a Stranger to the Country, he walk'd until he came to four Roads; then look'd round for the Church he came from, and reſolv'd to make up to it again, thinking from hence he cou'd hit upon the right Path; but like many wiſer Men, only took much Pains to be more out of the Way. He grew tired, and under a wide-branching Oak, in the midſt of a ſmooth-mown Graſs-plat, he ſat down: The Fa⯑tigue he had undergone made him drowzy; and laying at his Length, gave himſelf up to the gentle Indulgence of ſtrength-recruiting Sleep; faſt as the Ale-drinking Alderman, who ſnores in his Pew after Dinner, during Sermon-time.

The Lady of the Manor had been walking that Afternoon with her Wo⯑man along the Meadows; her Houſe was but two Fields off from the Spot where Mr. Fool reſted himſelf; he cou'd not diſcover it, becauſe a thick Grove prevented on that Side a Foot-paſſenger's View. When ſhe came to the Place where Tom lay, ſhe was ſurpriz'd; her Maid was diſmally frighten'd, and wou'd have run Home to call for Help, but ſhe was order'd to ſtay, Curiouſity juſt [235]then giving the Lady a Twitch by the Sleeve, obſerving the ſleepy Perſon to be well-dreſs'd; ſhe walk'd up gently towards him, and began ſoftly to praiſe his Figure.

Indeed Mem, as you ſay, (replied Mrs. Pinner) he is the moſt genteeleſt Man I have ſeen out of London, and yet you may ſee Mem he as been walking a good way, by the Duſt upon his Shoes and Stockings; and Mem what a white Hand he has too, and Dreſden Ruffles on:—As ſure as God made the World he's a Gentleman, Mem, and may-hap misfortuneable in Love, for I thought as how he ſigh'd.—Pray Mem let me wake him, for fear may-hap ſome Ver⯑min ſhould bite him.

Her miſtreſs was as willing as her Woman, to know what cou'd bring a well-dreſs'd, agreeable-looking Man on Foot there; took a Pinch of Snuff, and lightly let it fall upon his upper Lip;—he ſneez'd,—wak'd,—started up, and be⯑held the lovely Miſs Demirep ſtanding before him.

Tom Fool made an unaffected Apo⯑logy for his being there, hop'd he had committed no Treſpaſs; told the Lady he was a Stranger who had loſt his Way, and begg'd ſhe wou'd permit [236]one of her Servants to ſet him into the right Road.

Mr. Fool's Countenance was open and florid, the Tone of his Voice particularly ſweet, and plaintive; his Eyes were not broad-ſtretch'd into a rude Stare, but he now and then lift them up while he was ſpeaking, and his Look was tender, modeſt, and ſenſible, yet his whole Deportment ſeem'd to ſpeak a Mind in Grief, at leaſt Miſs Demirep thought ſo, and the Appearance of Di⯑ſtreſs is ſure to waken a delicate Sympathy in female Minds; which, to the Shame of mighty Man be it know, all our Reading cannot make us Maſters of, nor all our Writings properly deſcribe.

Upon Miſs Demirep's Invitation, Tom Fool attended her to the Hall; where, with a Grace peculiar to fine Women of Faſhion, ſhe requeſted he wou'd let her know how ſhe cou'd give her Leave to aſſure him, that the Laws of Hoſpitality flouriſh'd under her Roof.—To be ſure it might ſeem odd,—but as ſhe was above Diſguiſe herſelf, flatter'd herſelf he was ſo too:—Perhaps ſhe might be wrong,—but ſhe fancied he had loſt ſomething more than his Way.

[237] Tom Fool was not ſo eager to relate his Adventures, as ſhe was to hear them. He told the Lady he was a Gentleman,—had been hurt by falſe Friendſhips, and from thence took Occaſion to de⯑claim on the Falſhoods of Mankind.

Miſs Demirep, in whoſe Heart Com⯑paſſion had a noble Dwelling-place, view'd him with Pity; but 'twas a Pity mix'd with Approbation. She took Part in all he ſaid, look'd as he look'd, ſigh'd as he ſigh'd; his Mind ſhe found was manly as his Perſon, his Sentiments ge⯑nerous and tender, his Obſervations ju⯑dicious, yet without either Flattery or Rancour.

Tom, who was amorous as Ovid, ſur⯑vey'd with Attention the Brilliancy of the Lady's Figure, and diſcover'd, by con⯑verſing with her, how elegant her Mind was enrich'd. Thus by Degrees the Underſtanding, the Accompliſhments, each diſcover'd in each, rais'd a recipro⯑cal Eſteem; pleas'd with the Entertain⯑ment, they ſat up together till Morning; and even then the Day wou'd have been unheeded by them, tho' the Sun darted his Rays croſs the Room, had not Mrs. Pinner ventured in, to beg Leave to know when Mem wou'd pleaſe to have Breakfaſt.

[238]Next Day Mr. Fool ſent one of Miſs Demirep's Servants to his Siſter's, to let her know where he was, for Tom ſeem'd not in a hurry to quit his Quarters: He and the lovely Miſs Demirep ſoon con⯑feſs'd to each other the praiſe-worthy Opinions they had conceiv'd, as none but noble Minds are capable of ſuch un⯑diſguis'd Sentiments,—ſo none but no⯑ble Minds will believe this Paſſage,— but it was ſo;—they own'd a mutual—a—why ſhou'd we be aſham'd to relate it. This Performance is deſign'd to be a Hiſtory of Nature; of Nature actuated by honeſt Inſtinct.—Therefore, with Submiſſion to all abſtracted Speculatiſts, muſt acknowledge Mr. Fool's lovely Hoſteſs, ſoon brought his own Lady in leſs guilty; or to come nearer com⯑mon Senſe, Tom Fool, in the Arms of Miſs Demirep, found an univerſal Con⯑ſolation.

His Lady indeed, met with a mo⯑mentary one, on the arrival of Mr. Bor⯑lace: That Gentleman, as we have be⯑fore mentioned, ſet out in the Night for Fool-hall. As ſoon as he had reach'd it, and diſcover'd to Mrs. Suſan, that he came from her Maſter, and that Mr. Fool was in Health, and unhurt, the whole Houſe was overjoy'd, and [239] Borlace careſs'd in a very extraordinary Manner, as the Meſſenger of glad Ti⯑dings.

Lady Fool, who had until that Time kept her Room, and whoſe Health was viſibly impaired, order'd her Poſt-cha⯑riot to be got ready immediately, and return with Mr. Borlace, to fling her⯑ſelf (as ſhe very afflictingly expreſs'd herſelf) at her dear Huſband's Feet. When ſhe alighted at Mars. Veillied's, and miſs'd of ſeeing her Spouſe, ſhe was al⯑moſt diſtracted with the Diſappointment, her Ladyſhip imagining Mr. Fool ſhun'd her, ſhe return'd Home heavy at Heart, altho' Miſs Ninny, whom ſhe took with her, us'd every Argument imaginable to comfort her.

As ſoon as her Ladyſhip returned Home, ſhe ſent for her Attorney; for as there was moſt Part of the Eſtate veſted in her, ſo as ſhe cou'd diſpoſe of it with⯑out her Huſband's Conſent, yet ſhe made a Will, and left him whole and ſole Executor: And it muſt be allow'd, ſhe cou'd not be too careful in an Underta⯑king of ſuch Conſequence; for tho' the Law is the Grand Elixir for England's Conſtitution, it is not amiſs to be aware of Counterfeits.

CHAP. XXV.

MR. Fool had been at the amiable Miſs Demirep's above a Week, before he had Time to relate all his Ad⯑ventures; he had often begun, and of⯑ten had ſhe interrupted him, either by tenderly ſympathiſing with his Diſtreſſes, or burſting out into Praiſes of his Diſin⯑tereſtedneſs.

At the Concluſion of his Story, ea⯑gerly preſſing him to her Breaſt, ſhe ſigh'd, oh, God, what muſt that Wo⯑man be who cou'd wrong you!

At that Inſtant Mrs. Pinner entering, acquainted Mr. Fool, that there was a Man came on Horſe-back, that had a Letter, which he will deliver into no⯑body's Hands, but your Honour's. And indeed, Mem (continued Mrs. Pin⯑ner) addreſſing herſelf to Miſs Demirep, as ſoon as Mr. Fool left the Room, I believe as how it is from the Gentleman's Houſe, for the Man axt for his Maſter.

Do you, Mrs. Pinner, ſee that the Man is very well entertain'd; but order all my Servants not to aſk the Man any [241]Queſtions about the Family he lives in, upon any Account.

No to be ſure, Mem,

Now my Comates, keen Tenants of the upper Story, and Fellow Plagiariſts, here is the lovely Miſs Demirep alone, in a warm Room, on a ſoft Settee, her Senſes all in a flutter.

See how ſhe looks: Ay, how? That is the Queſtion; for to be free and faith⯑ful to every good Reader, we ſecond⯑hand Copyers are ſeldom admitted Tete a Tete into a Woman of Faſhion's Re⯑tiring-room; we cannot therefore criti⯑cally ſay how they look, or what they converſe about: Yet, as ſome Painters have copy'd Madonas from their Miſ⯑treſſes we Journeymen Journalizers often avail ourſelves of our-Acquain⯑tance, the Women of the Town, and palm their Figures, dreſs Bons mots and Behaviour upon the Injudicious for illuſ⯑trious Originals.

Let the Members of our pen-ſtump⯑ing Society make as much Parade as they pleaſe about high Life, and ſo forth; we are as much unacquainted with it, as we are with the Heathen [242]Gods and Goddeſſes, that we jumble to⯑gether in our jingling Invocations.

Yet if any particular Reader (as ſome Readers are very particular) wou'd be inform'd what Colour Miſs Demirep's Eyes were, whether her Locks were faſtened, of fell looſely in flowing Curls upon her Shoulders; whether ſhe was in full Dreſs, or in Diſhabille; if it was Coffee or Chocolate ſhe had breakfaſted upon; how many ſhaking Mandarins nodded upon her Chimney-piece; what ſort of Paper the Room was lined with; and how broad the Turkey Carpet was that covered the Flooring? They ſhall be inform'd immediately. Come Spirit of minute Deſcription inſpire me.—But I am interrupted, Mr. Fool is returned with a Brace of Letters in his Hand; he very gracefully preſents them to Miſs Demirep. Reader, we muſt be inform'd of the Contents, one way or other, every Body will ſatisfy their Curioſity. The Lady has unfolded them, I know it is not good Manners—however, we'll give a Peep over her Shoulder.

[244]After Miſs Demirep had read thoſe Letters, ſhe return'd them to Mr. Fool; but her Hand ſhe had not withdrawn from his. In that Poſition, for ſome Moments, they ſtood ſilent; tenderly looking at each other; at length Tom Fool, his Eyes gliſſening with Compaſſi⯑on, thus addreſſed her.

Madam, had not the Hoſpitality Miſs Demirep has ſhown to a poor wandering Outcaſt, bound him by the ſtricteſt Ties of Gratitude, not to depart with⯑out firſt, at leaſt, acknowledging the Favours he had receiv'd, I ſhould not heſitate a Moment obeying the Purport of theſe Advices; but circumſtanced as I am, 'tis to you, and you only, I ap⯑ply for Advice. What am I, Madam, to do?

To go.—To go this Inſtant.—I may be irregular, but am not abandon'd—I love mightly, but not meanly.—There⯑fore go, this Inſtant go. 'Tis not my Advice alone, but my Intreaty, go. And may your Preſence preſerve your Lady's Health. At the ſame Time ſhe ſpoke this, checking a ſwelling Sigh, which Paſſion, in Spite of Reaſon's Teeth, was burſting out with. Then [245]ſtepped forward to throw her Arms about his Neck, and take a parting Em⯑brace—but recollecting, that her Ca⯑reſſes might detain him ſome Minutes, ſhe check'd herſelf, and broke from him, ſaying,—No, not a Kiſs of mine ſhall ſtop you a Moment on a Event like this—Adieu—And immedi⯑ately ruſh'd up Stairs into her Dreſſing-room.

Juſt as Mr. Fool reach'd Home, his Lady had another Fit; and as the Fa⯑culty had fortold, lived but two Days after her Huſband's Return, leaving him in clear Poſſeſſion of full two thouſand Pounds per Annum, and ſeveral Sums of ready Money.

As ſoon as the Buſineſs of Burial was over, Mr. Fool ſent for Mr. Borlace, and with an Ingenuouſneſs peculiar to the noble-minded Part of Mankind, told him;

Mr. Borlace; Providence has been pleas'd to favour me with a large Inde⯑pendency; therefore I look upon it as my Duty to lay out the Superfluity of my Income, in endeavouring to make thoſe happy, I think deſerve it. I will neither mantain Race-horſes, to enrich Grooms; nor make ſumptuous Enter⯑tainments, to cram Flatterers; or let [246]my Servants learn the Way to Profuſion—no—I am beholding to that Being, to whom we all owe our Beings; and how can I teſtify my Gratitude? He ſtands not in Need of any Thing I have; but I will endeavour to copy ſome ſmall Part of his Goodneſs, and be bountiful in my Turn; for rich Men are, or ſhou'd be, God's Agents for him to the Poor.

I am not now to be told the Diſpoſi⯑tion my Siſter and you entertain for each other—but her Huſband is living; as ſoon as I can legally procure a Divorce, I will, if I can, make you happy together.

As you left your Affairs in London in Diſorder, you will find in this Pocket-book a Sufficiency, I believe, to defray your Creditors Demands; and this I wou'd have you do immediately; ſet out for Town To-morrow Morning. You'll excuſe me Mr. Borlace; but as you have ſeen and ſuffered ſo much, you are ſuf⯑ficiently wean'd from the Weakneſs of Indiſcretions.

Witwoud wanted to throw himſelf at Mr. Fool's Feet, called him his Guardian Angel, and by ſeveral deſperate Oaths, wou'd have given Bond for his good Be⯑haviour, but his Friend prevented him: However, nothing cou'd hinder Borlace from ſwearing he deſpiſed Debauchery, [247]courſing the Madneſs of Riot, and exe⯑crating all the Folly of Extravagance; and concluded with a very pathetic Ob⯑ſervation, concerning Miſery and Con⯑tempt.

Thus is the Apothegm of Ariſtotle made out. Man may know much of every Thing in the World except him⯑ſelf; for, as it was impoſſible for him to be in London with Money in his Poc⯑ket, and not be found out by his Friends; ſo it was for him, when found out, to avoid keeping Company with them. For that Man of Spirit wou'd be ſtig⯑matiz'd with the odious Appellation of a damn'd ſneaking Fellow? Borlace therefore, being a Man of Spirits, will⯑ing to convince his Friends, whatever Alterations he had undergone, were all for the better, kept it up, indeed, was quite the Thing, ad unguem. As his Ho⯑nour and Sir Thomas told him, ſhaking him heartily by the Hand; damn them, if they wou'd not back him for a Thou⯑ſand, and take him againſt the Field.

As we have therefore brought him to London, and left him in ſuch good Com⯑pany, we muſt return to look after our other Paſſengers.

It is Time to bring this Bundle of many Sections to a tolerable Concluſion; [248]and we will immediately to it, according to the preſent practis'd Rules of Me⯑moir-writing. We have taken them thro' Pages ſufficient to ſwell this Work into two Volumes. And now we have nothing to do but marry them off; like Fleet Parſons, we muſt be expeditious in our Vocation: For we have many Sweet-hearts in Pairs, who, like Country-dancing Couples, ſtand on Tip-toe to be at it.

In a little Time after Witwoud Bor⯑lace's Arrival in London, Miſs Ninny went up, ſo ſee every Thing was in pro⯑per Order in the late Lady Fool's Town⯑houſe. The Reader may eaſily gueſs who was ſhortly to be Miſtreſs of it, and as ſoon as Decency cou'd allow it, Mr. Fool paid Miſs Demirep a Viſit.

Ye delicate Senſibilities, whoſe Minds are untainted by the Inſipidities of Faſhi⯑on's Multitude: Ye, who nobly reliſh Friendſhip's Feaſts, Fancies flow, and every Beat of Heart diſtended Rapture; form to yourſelves the Meeting betwixt ſuch a Pair as Mr. Fool and the lovely Miſs Demirep.

All was Embrace, all was Rapture, all was Admiration.—When gently leading her to the love-receiving Settee, he thus addreſſed the all-attentive Lady.

[249]Behold me now, Madam, poſſeſs'd of an unincumber'd Eſtate of upwards of two thouſand Pounds a Year. I know the Nobleneſs of your Diſpoſition too well, not to be conſcious Wealth can't win you; yet ſuch is the Cuſtom of the World. I have no other way to ſhow myſelf worthy of what I wiſh for. Don't be offended, Madam, let me not, by be⯑ing too peremptory, ſhock your Delica⯑cy. [Kneeling] Forgive me if I too much preſume,—but thus I offer you my Hand—to become your Huſband, is all that I wiſh for, to compleat, to fix me happy.

The Lady was too much aſtoniſh'd to bid him riſe; a thouſand Thoughts ruſh'd by Turns to her Mind; for above a Mi⯑nute ſhe fat ſat ſilent, looking with Won⯑der at him; yet it was not an avaritious Heſitation, whether ſhe ſhou'd, or ſhou'd not take his Offer,—no—ſhe was charm'd, —amaz'd,—enraptur'd, with her Lover's Behaviour. As ſoon as ſhe found her⯑ſelf ſettled enough to reply, this was her Anſwer.

Thou Pattern of true Principle,—I may juſtly glory of poſſeſſing what few Ladies ever cou'd boaſt of,—a real Lo⯑ver. But ſhall a Man ſhow ſuch Ho⯑nour, ſuch Gratitude, to one of our Sex, [250]and ſhall not that one return it?—She will, tho' to that Honour ſhe ſacrifices Happineſs.—I cannot, Sir, I muſt not go with you to the Altar.—I'm,—I'm unworthy;—I love you beyond Life,— I wou'd wander with you in Want, and bear the World's Contempt to call you mine, but my own Contempt I can't en⯑dure. Had I only trangreſs'd with you, I cou'd have excus'd it; nay, vindicated it to myſelf; but to deliver my Perſon to you in the ſacred Tie of Wedlock, when that Perſon has been the Property of others! What! Shall I demean the Man my Soul doats on? Twou'd diſtract me to think, (for think I ſhou'd) that any Man cou'd dare to ſay of one ſo worthy as you,—I have had his Wife.

As your Miſtreſs I'll be faithful, but not diſhonour you as, —heigh ho,—per⯑haps I overſtrain this Point; Women like me, think different from the reſt of our Sex; we are apt to refine too much, or be too regardleſs;—this I feel now I have done. Never before did I look upon what the World calls Innocence, but as a Weakneſs of Underſtanding; never cou'd I have thought ſuch Anxiety wou'd ariſe in the Mind, from only re⯑flecting on loſt Reputation.—Don't think the worſe of me, Sir, for this Confeſſion, [251]—no Lady ever gave up before me more than I,—oh,—God,—what ſhall I ſay? —I theſe are Self-denials, well may thoſe Perſons be proud, who can put them in Practice.

But, Madam, are we to live for the World, or ourſelves?

Huſh, for Heaven's Sake, don't be your own Advocate againſt yourſelf. It is a much as all my Reſolution can do, to keep the Field againſt Inclination;— and if you take its Part—

Whoſe there?

Beg Pardon, Mem,—but your Com⯑pany's come, Mem, and you always or⯑der'd me to let you know to a Moment, Mem.

The abrupt Entrance of the Domeſtic, made this Dialogue end very unſatisfac⯑tory. Mr. Fool took a Turn upon the Terrace, and Miſs Demirep retired for a Moment into her Dreſſing-room, to compoſe herſelf for the Reception of her Viſitors.

We ſhall name, or announce them (a better Phraſe) in the Manner they alighted.

[252] Imprimis. Madam Vander Doit, for⯑merly the fine Batilda, for her Dutch Merchant, had bought out Mr. Iſrael's Property in her, and by a Licence from Doctor's-Commons, made her entirely his own.

Secondly. Sir Taſty handing Lady Pil⯑low.

Third Couple. Were young Blood, who uſher'd Sir Taſty's Lady, whoſe Maiden Name was Bonville; and as it is men⯑tion'd in the former part of thi [...]e Regi⯑ſter, the Baronet was about to make her a Settlement,—he did ſo,—but after ſome Time they parted.

It was juſt before Lady Grotto and Sir Taſty came down into the Country, and met Junior at the Inn, as before-men⯑tion'd.

When the Baronet and the Inn-keep⯑er's Wife were in London together, Miſs Bonville hearing that Sir Taſty had a new Miſtreſs, ſhe threw herſelf in his Way, in a very advantageous Situation, appearing at Ranelagh three or four Times, with a Star and Garter, as her Attendant Squire, and three or four more Men of Dignity, crouding about her.

Love, like a Leaſe, is often renewable, and the Baronet thought her ten-times more handſome than ever, begg'd Leave [253]to wait on her, enquir'd her Addreſs, and all Lace and Feather next Day at Noon-time he waited for her in her firſt Floor.

She enter'd the Room, ſtately as a School-miſtreſs; he roſe to ſalute her; ſhe drew back and gave him a Look, cold as a Creditor; he was diſconcerted, his Face fell, he ſaluted her Hand, ſhe begg'd he'd be ſeated: The Baronet quite amaz'd, bow'd, ſquatted into a Chair, ſtammer'd, begg'd Pardon, pull'd out his Snuff-box, got up and ſat down again; then roſe, made a new Apology, ſhut up his Snuff-box, look'd thro' the Saſh, wonder'd, and ſlid into his Chair again.

Miſs Bonville, grave as a Lady Abbeſs at Veſpers, talk'd about Sin, old Age, Death-beds, and being virtuous. Sir Taſty ſwore, bit his Nails, quoted Scraps of Plays. Miſs Bonville burſt out into Tears.

Madam, by Heavens, you are mad, and have turn'd Methodiſt.

No, Sir, you injure me, but I have made a Vow, and that Vow is regiſter'd in Heaven, never to hold Truſt or Commerce more with Man, until thoſe [254]Dealings are ſanctified by matrimonial Law.

Do you expect that I ſhou'd marry you Child? Something high that faith.

No, Sir Taſty, but there is a Silk-mercer in Fleet-ſtreet, to whom I have given my Conſent.

The Devil you have, ſo my tow hun⯑dred Pounds a Year is to furniſh out a Cit's Shop with Silks and Sattins, is it?—No—Damme then—not to be humm'd in that manner neither;—I've a Scheme to ſtop that.

This Scheme he put in Execution the Week following,—it was only marrying the Lady himſelf, and that was ſaving his two hundred Pounds a Year; her Ladyſhip became in an Inſtant a Pattern of Reformation.—So Chaſte, that at the very Mention of a kept Miſtreſs, ſhe lifts up her Hands and Eyes, and wonders how there can be ſuch Women?

Juſt as they were ſeated, Mr. Fool ent [...]'d; his being in Mourning made him look more agreeable. The Aſſem⯑bly [...]m'd to be ſurpriſed; Madam Van⯑der [...]t, in a Whiſper, congratulated Dem [...]rep, Lady Taſty ſtared, Lady Pil⯑low [255]ſigh'd, young Blood ſwore he thought he knew the Gentleman; Sir Taſty de⯑clared —he ſhou'd be loth to give Of⯑fence, but pon his onner he cou'd be al⯑moſt tempted to back his Opinion; two Faces might be a like to be ſure,—but— he cou'd like to have five hundred on't. Miſs Demirep, to cure him of Suſpence (I won't ſay ſhe had any ſecret Satisfac⯑tion in it) undertook to be Lady Uſher, and introduc'd the young Widower, by Name, to all the good Company.

Mr. Fool the next Day received a Let⯑ter from Borlace, that his Preſence was very neceſſary juſt then in London, for the late Lady Fool had large Concerns in the Weſt-Indies, left her by her firſt Huſ⯑band, which indeed ſhe had never much minded; therefore Witwoud, in his Ad⯑vice to Mr. Fool, deſired him to come up immediately, obſerving that Money⯑matters in ſome of our Colonies, are not tranſacted by Agents with that Perſpi⯑cuity as we cou'd wiſh.

His amiable Hoſteſs did not indeed preſs him to put off his Journey; ſhe fear'd Lady Pillow, who ſhe obſerv'd had an unuſual softneſs in her Eyes juſt at this Time, and was for ever looking at Tom Fool; his Heart Miſs Demirep had prov'd was all Tenderneſs, there⯑fore [256]ſhe was alarm'd, leaſt he might be inclined to Pity at leaſt; and ſhe knew by her own Diſpoſition, wherever Pity was taken in for a Tenant, Love ſoon came to be a Lodger there.

Soon after Tom Fool, and Miſs Demirep having handſomely acquitted herſelf of her viſitants, ſtepp'd into her Poſt-chaiſe for her London Journey: How often upon the Road did ſhe rail at Tyrant-cuſtom, then curſe our boaſting Sex, then blame herſelf for her own Delicacy.

On the other Side, how wou'd ſhe ſometimes congratulate herſelf upon her Reſignation, her Reſolution, her Mar⯑tyrdom, as ſhe term'd it.

He muſt love me for it, I'm con⯑ſcious he muſt (thus ſhe pleaſed herſelf with reflecting) he does, he will,— tho' I ſhall not have him for a Huſband, yet as a Huſband he's mine, he will be mine; mine, and only mine;—but all is not Gold that looks ſo;—every Reck⯑oning is not always right.—However, we will ſo far reckon right, as here to finiſh the Chapter; and the next we begin, with Joy the Editor declares it to be.

CHAP. XXVI.

WHEN Tom Fool came to London, he found Borlace had made a very had Uſe of the Sum he had been in⯑truſted with; Witwoud alſo had been rather too premature, in communicating to his Companions the Hiſtory of his good Fortune with Mr. Fool; nay, to his very great Intimates, he whiſper'd, that he had had Miſs Fool; and hinted ſome⯑thing about patching up Reputations, and that Matrimony's Pill ſhou'd be well ſweetned.

Curſe on that Flippancy of Tongue; Why will you, ye maudlin Declaimers, why will ye form ſuch midnight Friend⯑ſhips? Ye Mementos of Indiſcretion, who perſiſt, ſpite of Shame or Sufferings, like venom-breathing Serpents, do diſcharge Infection from your Mouths.

Miſs Ninny had not conducted herſelf with the utmoſt Circumſpection, during her Abode in London: Her Behaviour at public Places, prejudic'd the grave Part of the World from entertaining a good Opinion, either of her Morals or Underſtanding. It is not worth while to deſcribe her Dreſs, or her Manner at [258]public Places: We ſee many fine Ladies, whoſe Actions and Appearance ſeem to ſay (like the Founder of the Feaſt, when Dinner's upon the Table) Come, Gentle⯑men, won't ye pleaſe to fall to.

Her Brother very mildly expoſtulated with her, and mention'd the Word De⯑cency. —She replied, Stuff; but ſhe ſpoke that Word aſide, to herſelf. He obeſerv'd to her, that no Perſon ſhou'd incur, if they cou'd help it, the World's Cenſures.—That ſhe took very ill;— did not Anſwer him indeed, but begg'd Leave to retire; and ready to burſt with Vexation, hurried into her own Apart⯑ment, flung herſelf into an arm'd Chair, and with Tears told her Woman, as the Maid held out the Lavender Drops to her,—Hannah, my Brother is become a perfect Tyrant, that Miſs Demirep has ſet him againſt me.

But to Witwoud Borlace, Tom Fool was more ſevere: He reprov'd him very ſharply; nay, was almoſt angry with him, for ſo ridiculouſly ſquandring away a Sum of Money; which, as Mr. Fool told him, was the Property of his Cre⯑ditors.

Witwoud, who not only had a great Share of Spirits, but had alſo a great [259]Spirit, cou'd ill brook to be told of his Faults, by one much younger than him⯑ſelf, and who had not ſeen half ſo much of the World neither.—He was mad in his Mind,—but had Cunning enough to conceal it.

He told Tom Fool a long Story how he was made drunk, he cou'd not tell how; and then indeed he did, he cou'd not tell what; that he had a great many Enemies, and that they had rais'd a Parcel for Reports out of Envy againſt him; that for his Part, he was fuddled at firſt, by the only Method that cou'd have made him ſo, which was drinking Bumpers to Mr. Fool's Health.—How⯑ever, he wou'd not drink any more, for he ſaw now it was a Plant againſt him, to get me Sir out of your Favour; for I'll be doubly damn'd before I'd give ſo good a Man as you a Offence.

But this Conceſſion only laſted before Tom Fool, for the Moment he left the Parlour, he flew to Miſs Ninny; and af⯑ter giving Vent to half-a-dozen full⯑mouth'd Oaths, he declar'd her Brother to be a mean-ſpirited Fellow: What's his Money to me? Or where wou'd he have had any Money if it had not been for me?—Damn it, is ſuch a Man as [260]I am to be ſchool'd, as if I was ſent like a Servant to Market, and ſo muſt give an Account of every Penny and Two⯑pence. I tell you what Ninny, had he not been your Brother, I ſhou'd have anſwer'd him in another Way, I aſſure you.

Indeed, Witwoud, I am horribly cha⯑green'd my Brother ſhou'd behave ſo; I can't conceive what can make him ſo execrably in the Wrong; and muſt con⯑feſs, am undetermin'd how to behave in this Affair.

But I am not, and I'll tell you the only Thing we have to do in this Affair: If we don't put ſome Stop to this, your Brother will always be calling us to an Account for what we do, and where we go; now that I'd not bear from the great Mogul. I know he loves you dearly, and if you was to leave him a little, it wou'd bring him to a better Way of Thinking. The only Thing we have to do, is this: We muſt ſhow a proper Spirit of Reſentment.

By all Means, Mr. Borlace.

Very well, therefore let you and I take a little Journey together. I can raiſe ſome Money I know. You ſhall leave a Letter for him, wherein you ſhall tell him, the Severity of his Behaviour to you has drove you away. This will make him uneaſy,—he'll do any Thing to bring you back again. He'll ſend Poſt for us; but before we return, we'll come into ſome Agreement with him: Let me alone with him for that, I know enough of the World to manage your Brother, I warrant you; then we ſhall live juſt as we like, and he'll never find Fault with us again, for fear you ſhou'd go away, never to return.

However ridiculous this Scheme was, Miſs Fool, whoſe whole Life had been but a Series of indiſcreet Attachments, at once came into it; nay, ſhe rejoiced to think ſhe had an Opportunity to be reveng'd of her Brother, for his ſcolding her. On the Evening that Miſs Demirep came to Town, they two took Poſt for Cheſter.

When Mr. Fool received a Card from Miſs Demirep, he was reading the mad Epiſtle his Siſter had left behind her.— He inclos'd it in a Letter to Miſs De⯑mirep, [262]and in which, after he had rela⯑ted Miſs Ninny's Elopement, he told her, that Folly and Ingratitude had ſo much ſhock'd his Temper, he was not in a Condition fit for Society; that he was determin'd to retire for ſome Time at leaſt from the World. And as he had ſeveral Affairs to ſettle in Jamaica, he wou'd go over to that Iſland imme⯑diately.

Miſs Demirep, as ſoon as ſhe had read the Contents, flew to Mr. Fool, and made uſe of every Argument to diſ⯑ſuade him from undertaking ſo dange⯑rous a Voyage.—But as it ſometimes happens, when two Perſons of different Religions diſpute, the Argumentator, who deſigns to make the Proſelyte, be⯑comes himſelf a Convert. Thus Mr. Fool brought Miſs Demirep over to his Opinion; ſhe attended him to Briſtol, and ſaw him take Shipping for Port-Royal.

The Editor, Tranſcriber, Hiſtorian, Journaliſts, &c. &c. begs Leave to aſ⯑ſure the Public, that as Miſs Demi⯑rep was capable of giving the moſt ex⯑traordinary Proofs of Affection to Mr. Fool, ſhe did ſo; ſecretly contracting with the Captain for her own and Mem [263] Pinner's Paſſage, and by a handſome Pre⯑mium enjoin'd him Secreſy.

The very next Day, when the Veſſel was going briſkly before the Wind, and Tom Fool was walking upon the Quar⯑ter Deck, the Captain's Boy came to tell him his Maſter wanted to ſpeak to him in the great Cabbin: We'll leave to the Imagination of the Reader, what his Thoughts muſt be, when he ſaw coming forward to meet him, as he en⯑ter'd the Room-door, the noble-minded Miſs Demirep.

N. B. There is now at the Publiſher's all the original Letters, which Miſs De⯑mirep ſent to Madam Vander Doit, con⯑cerning the extraordinary Adventures Mr. Fool met with Abroad.

• 1ſt. Being drove aſhore on the Coaſt of Florida; how they were taken Pri⯑ſoners by the Cannibals; the effects of Beauty upon Savages; how Mem Pin⯑ner was married to the King of that Part of the Country, and her Behaviour in high Life.
• 2dly. The manner in which Mr. Fool, and Miſs Demirep, were entertain'd among the Savages; the depoſing of Mem Pinner; their own Deliverance [264]and Voyage up the great River Amazon; the Difference of Behaviour between an Indian and an European, their Servants.
• 3dly. The Hiſtory of their diſcovering, in the interior Parts of the Country, the real Kingdom of the Amazons; the Re⯑ception they met with among them.
• 4thly. A conciſe, but candid Account of the Government, Religion, Parties, Elections, Duels, Intrigues, Courts of Judicature, Univerſities, Theatres, Faſhi⯑ons, and Prize-fightings.
• 5thly. Mr. Fool and Miſs Demirep's ſafe Arrival at Jamaica, where he found his late Lady's Agent married to his Siſter, Miſs Ninny; Mr. Borlace was travelling at the ſame Time along the Continent, as a Merry-Andrew to a Mounteback.