CHAP. I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.

JOHN had a Mother, whom he Lov'd and Honour'd extremely, a Diſcreet, Grave, Sober Good Con⯑dition'd, Cleanly Old Gentlewoman, as ever liv'd; ſhe was none of your Croſs-grain'd termagant [] ſcolding Jades, that one had as good be hang'd as live in the Houſe with, ſuch as are always cenſuring the Conduct, and telling ſcandalous Stories of their Neighbours, extolling their own good Qualities, and undervaluing thoſe of others. On the contrary, ſhe was of a Meek Spirit, and as ſhe was ſtrictly Virtuous her ſelf, ſo ſhe always put the beſt Conſtruction upon the Words and Actions of her Neighbours, except where they were irreconcileable to the Rules of Honeſty and Decency. She was neither one of your preciſe Prudes, nor one of your phantaſtical old Belles, that Dreſs themſelves like Girls of Fifteen; as ſhe neither wore a Ruff, Fore-head Cloth, nor High-crown'd Hat, ſo ſhe had laid aſide Feathers, Flowers, and crimpt Ribons in her Head-dreſs, Furbulow Scarfs and Hoop'd Petticoats. She ſcorn'd to Patch and Paint, yet ſhe lov'd to keep her Hands and her Face Clean. Tho' ſhe wore no flaunting lac'd Ruffles, ſhe would not keep her ſelf in a conſtant Sweat with greaſy Flan⯑nel: Tho' her Hair was not ſtuck with Jewels, ſhe was not aſham'd of a Diamond Croſs; ſhe was not like ſome Ladies, hung about with Toys and Trinkets, Twiſer Caſes, Pocket-Glaſſes and Eſſence Bottles; ſhe us'd only a Gold Watch and an Almanack, to mark the Hours and the Holy-Days. Her Furniture was neat and genteel, well fancy'd with a bon Gouſt. As ſhe affected not the Grandeur of a State with a Cano⯑py, ſhe thought there was no Offence in an Elbow Chair; ſhe had laid aſide your Carving, Gilding and Japan Work, as being too apt to gather Dirt, but ſhe never could be prevail'd upon to part with plain Wainſcot and clean Hangings. There are ſome La⯑dies that affect to ſmell a ſtink in every Thing; they are always highly perfum'd, and continually burning Frankincenſe in their Rooms; ſhe was above ſuch Af⯑fectation, yet ſhe never would lay aſide the Uſe of Brooms and ſcrubbing Bruſhes, and ſcrupl'd not to lay her Linnen in freſh Lavender: She was no leſs genteel in her Behaviour, well-bred without Affectation, in the due mean between one of your affected Curſying [] pieces of Formality, and your Romps that have no regard to the common Rules of Civility. There are ſome Ladies that affect a Mighty regard for their Relations; We muſt not Eat to Day, for my Uncle Tom, or my Couſin Betty dy'd this time ten Years; Let's have a Ball to Night, it is my Neighbour ſuch a ones Birth-day; ſhe look'd upon all this as Grimace; yet ſhe conſtant⯑ly obſerv'd her Husband's Birth-day, her Wedding-day, and ſome few more. Tho' ſhe was a truly good Woman, and had a ſincere Motherly Love for her Son John, yet there wanted not thoſe who endeavour'd to create a Miſunderſtanding between them, and they had ſo far prevail'd with him once, that he turn'd her out of Doors to his geeat Sorrow, as he found after⯑wards, for his Affairs went all at ſixes and ſevens. She was no leſs Judicious in the turn of her Converſation and Choice of her Studies, in which ſhe far exceeded all her Sex; your Rakes that hate the Company of all ſober, grave Gentlewomen, would bear hers, and ſhe would by her handſome manner of proceeding ſooner reclaim than ſome that were more ſower and reſerv'd; ſhe was a zealous Preacher up of Chaſtity, and Con⯑jugal Fidelity in Wives, and by no means a Friend to the new-fangl'd Doctrine of the Indiſpenſible Duty of Cuckoldom: Tho ſhe advanc'd her Opinions with a becoming Aſſurance, yet ſhe never uſher'd them in, as ſome poſitive Creatures will do, with dogmatical Aſſertions, This is infallible; I cannot be miſtaken; none but a Rogue can deny it. It has been obſerv'd that ſuch People are oftner in the Wrong than any Body; tho' ſhe had a thouſand good Qualities, ſhe was not without her Faults, amongſt which one might perhaps reckon too great Lenity to her Servants, to whom ſhe always gave good Counſel, but often too gentle Correction. I thought I could not ſay leſs of John Bull's Mother, becauſe ſhe bears a part in the following Tranſactions.

CHAP. II. The Character of John Bull's Siſter Peg, with the Quarrels that happen'd between Maſter and Miſs, in their Child⯑hood.

JOHN had a Siſter a poor Girl that had been ſtarv'd at Nurſe; any Body would have gueſs'd Miſs to have been bred up under the Influence of a cruel Step-Dame, and John to be the Fondling of a tender Mother. John look'd ruddy and plump, with a pair of Cheeks like a Trumpeter; Miſs look'd pale and wan, as if ſhe had the Green-Sickneſs; and no wonder for John was the Darling, he had all the good Bits, was cramm'd with good Pullet, Chicken, Pig, Gooſe and Capon; while Miſs had only a little Oatmeal and Water, or a dry Cruſt without Butter. John had his golden Pippens, Peaches and Nectarnes; poor Miſs a Crap Apple, Sloe or Blackberry. Maſter lay in the beſt Apartment, with his Bed Chamber toward the South Sun. Miſs lodg'd in a Garret, expos'd to the North Wind, which ſhrevel'd her Countenance; however, this Uſage tho it ſtunted the poor Girl in her Growth, gave her a hardy Conſtitution; ſhe had Life and Spirit in abundance, and knew when ſhe was ill uſed; Now and then ſhe would ſeize upon John's Commons, ſnatch a Leg of a Pullet, or a bit of good Beef, for which they were ſure to go to Fiſticuffs. Maſter was indeed too ſtrong for her, but Miſs would not yield in the leaſt Point, but ev'n when Maſter had got her down, ſhe would ſcratch and bite like a Tyger; when he gave her a Cuff on the Ear, ſhe would prick him with her Knitting-Needle. John brought a great Chain one Day to tye her to the Bed Poſt, for which Affront Miſs aim'd a Pen-knife at his Heart: In ſhort, theſe Quarrels grew up to rooted Averſions, they gave one another Nicknames, ſhe call'd him Gundyguts, and he call'd her Louſy Peg: Tho' the Girl was a right clever Wench as any was, and thro' her pale Looks, you might diſcern Spirit and Vivacity, which made her not indeed a perfect Beauty, but ſomething that was agreeable. It was barbarous [] in Parents not to take Notice of theſe early Quarrels, and make them live better together, ſuch Domeſtick Fewds proving afterwards the occaſion of Misfortunes to them both. Peg had indeed ſome odd Humours and comical Antipathy, for which John would jeer her. What think you of my Siſter Peg (ſays he) that faints at the Sound of an Organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the Noiſe of a Bagpipe? What's that to you, Gundy-guts, (quoth Peg) every Body's to chuſe their own Muſick.' Then Peg had taken a Fancy not to ſay her Pater-noſter, which made People imagine ſtrange things of her. Of the three Brothers that have made ſuch a Clutter in the World, Lord Peter, Martin and Jack; Jack had of late been her Inclinations; Lord Peter ſhe deteſted; nor did Martin ſtand much better in her good Graces, but Jack had found the way to her Heart. I have often admir'd what Charms ſhe diſcover'd in that aukward Booby, till I talk'd with a Perſon that was acquainted with the Intrigue, who gave me the follow⯑ing Account of it.

CHAP. III. Jack's Charms, or the Method by which he gain'd Peg's Heart.

IN the firſt place, Jack was a very young Fellow, by much the youngeſt of the three Brothers, and Peo⯑ple indeed wonder'd how ſuch a young upſtart Jack⯑anapes ſhou'd grow ſo pert and ſaucy, and take ſo much upon him. (2.) Jack brag'd of greater Abilities than other Men; he was well gifted, as he pretended; I need not tell you what ſecret Influence that has upon the Ladies. (3.) Jack had a moſt ſcandalous Tongue, and perſuaded Peg that all Mankind beſides himſelf were pox'd by that ſcarletfac'd Whore Signiora Bubo⯑nia. ‘As for his Brother Lord Peter, the Tokens were evident in him Blotches, Scabs, and the Co⯑rona: His Brother Martin though he was not quite ſo bad, had ſome nocturnal Pains, which his Friends pretended were only Scorbutical; but, he was ſure, proceeded from a worſe Cauſe.’ By ſuch malicious Inſinuations, he had poſſeſs'd the Lady, that he was [] the only Man in the World, of a ſound, pure, and untainted Conſtitution: Tho' there were ſome that ſtuck not to ſay, that Signiora Bubonia and Jack rail'd at one another, only the better to hide an Intrigue; and, that Jack had been found with Signiora under his Cloak, carrying her home in a dark ſtormy Night. (4.) Jack was a prodigious Ogler; he would Ogle you the outſide of his Eye inward, and the White up⯑ward. (5.) Jack gave himſelf out for a Man of great Eſtate in the Fortunate Iſlands, of which the ſole Pro⯑perty was veſted in his Perſon; by this Trick he chea⯑ted abundance of poor People of ſmall Sums, pre⯑tending to make over Plantations in the ſaid Iſlands; but, when the poor Wretches came there with Jack's Grant, they were beat, mock'd, and turn'd out of Doors. (6.) I told you that Peg was whimſical, and lov'd any thing that was particular: In that way Jack was her Man; for he neither thought, ſpoke, dreſs'd, nor acted like other Mortals: He was for your bold Strokes; he rail'd at Fops, tho' himſelf the moſt af⯑fected in the World; inſtead of the common Faſhion, he would viſit his Miſtreſs in a Mourning Cloak, Band, ſhort Cuffs, and a peaked Beard. He invented a way of coming into a Room backwards, which he ſaid ſhew'd more Humility, and leſs Affectation: where other People ſtood, he ſat; where they ſat, he ſtood; when he went to Court, he us'd to kick away the State, and ſit down by his Prince Cheek by Choul, Confound theſe States (ſays he) they are a modern Invention; when he ſpoke to his Prince he always turn'd his Br [...]ch upon him; if he was advis'd to faſt for his Health he would eat Roaſt beef; if he was allow'd a more plen⯑tiful Diet, then he would be ſure that Day to live upon Watergruel; he would cry at a Wedding, laugh and make Jeſts at a Funeral. He was no leſs ſingular in his Opinions; you would have burſt your ſides to hear him talk Politicks: ‘All Governments (ſays he) is founded upon the right Diſtribution of Pu⯑niſhments; decent Executions keep the World in awe; for that Reaſon the Majority of Mankind [] ought to be hang'd every Year; for Example, I ſuppoſe, the Magiſtrate ought to paſs an irreverſible Sentence upon all blue-ey'd Children from the Cra⯑dle; but that there may be ſome ſhew of Juſtice in his proceeding, theſe Children ought to be Train'd up, by Maſters appointed for that purpoſe, to all ſorts of Villany, that they may deſerve their Fate, and the Execution of them may ſerve as an Object of Terror to the reſt of Mankind.’ As to the giving of Pardons he had this ſingular Method, That when theſe Wretches had the Ropes about their Necks, it ſhould be enquired, who believ'd they ſhould be hanged, and who not? The firſt were to be Pardon'd, the laſt hang'd out-right: Such as were once par⯑don'd, were never to be hang'd afterwards, for any Crime whatſoever. He had ſuch Skill in Phyſiogno⯑my, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a Mans Face, That Fellow (ſays he) do what he will, can▪t avoid Hanging; he has a hanging Look. By the ſame Art, he would prognoſticate a Principality to a Scoundrel. He was no leſs particular in the Choice of his Studies; they were generally bent to⯑wards exploded Chimera's, the perpetum Mobile, the circular Shot, Philoſopher's Stone, and ſilent Gun⯑powder, making Chains for Flea's, Nets for Flies, and Inſtruments to unrevel Cobwebs, and ſplit Hairs. Thus, I think, I have given you a diſtinct Account of the Methods he practis'd upon Peg. Her Brother would now and then ask her. ‘What a Devil doſt thou ſee in that pragmatical Coxcomb, to make thee ſo in Love with him? He is a fit Match for a Tailor or a Shoemaker's Daughter, but not for you that are a Gentlewoman. Fancy is free (quoth Peg) I'll take my awn way, do you take yours; I do no care for your flaunting Beaus, that gang with their Breaſts open, and their Sarks over their Waiſtcoats, that accoſt me with ſet Speeches out of Sidney's Arcadia, or, The Academy of Compliments. Jack is a ſober grave Youngman; tho' he has none of your ſtudy'd Ha⯑rangues, his Meaning is ſincere: He has a great Re⯑gard [] to his Father's Will; and he that ſhews himſelf a good Son, will make a good Husband; beſides, I know he has the Original Deed of Conveyance to the Fortunate Iſlands; the others are Counterfeits.’ There is nothing ſo obſtinate as young Ladies in their Amours; the more you Croſs them, the Worſe they are.

CHAP. IV. How the Relations reconcil'd John and his Siſter Peg, and what return Peg made to John's Meſſage.

JOHN BULL, otherwiſe a good natur'd Man, was very hard-hearted to his Siſter Peg, chiefly from an Averſion he had conceived in his Infancy. While he flouriſh'd, kept a warm Houſe, and drove a plentiful Trade, poor Peg was forc'd to go hawking and pedling about the Streets, ſelling Knives, Sciſſars and Shoe-buckles; now and then carry'd a Basket of Fiſh to the Market; ſow'd, ſpun and knit for a poor Livelihood, till her Fingers-end were ſore; and when ſhe could not get Bread for her Family, ſhe was forc'd to hire 'em out at Journey-work to her Neighbours; Yet in theſe her poor Circumſtances, ſhe ſtill preſerv'd the Air and Mien of a Gentlewoman; a certain decent Pride, that extorted Reſpect from the haughtieſt of her Neighbours; when ſhe came into any full Aſſem⯑bly, ſhe would not yield the pas to the beſt of them. If one ask'd her, Are not you related to John Bull? Yes (ſays ſhe) he has the Honour to be my Brother. So Peg's Affairs went, till all the Relations cry'd out ſhame upon John, for his barbarous Uſage of his own Fleſh and Blood; that it was an eaſie matter for him to put her in a credible way of living, not only with⯑out Hurt, but with Advantage to himſelf, being ſhe was an induſtrious Perſon, and might be ſerviceable to him in his way of Buſineſs. Hang her, Jade, (quoth John) I can't endure her, as long as ſhe keeps that Raſcal Jack's Company. They told him, the way to reclaim her was to take her into his Houſe; that by Converſation, the childiſh Humours of their younger days might be worn out. Theſe Arguments were en⯑forc'd [] by a certain Incident. It happen'd that John was at that time about making his Will, and entailing his Eſtate, the very ſame in which Nic. Frog is nam▪d Executor. Now his Siſter Peg's Name being in the Entail, he could not make a thorough Settlement without her Conſent. There was indeed a malicious Story went about as if John's laſt Wife had fall'n in love with Jack, as he was eating Cuſtard a Horſeback; that ſhe perſwaded John to take his Siſter Peg into the Houſe the better to drive on her Intrigue with Jack, concluding he would follow his Miſtreſs Peg. All I can infer from this Story is, that when one has got a bad Character in the World, People will report and believe any thing of them, true or falſe. But to return to my Story; when Peg receiv'd John's Meſſage, ſhe huff'd and ſtorm'd like the Devil: ‘My Brother John (quoth ſhe) is grown wondrous kind hearted all of a ſuddain, but I meikle doubt, whether it be not mair for his awn Conveniency than my good; he draws up his Weits and his Deeds forſooth, and I mun ſet my Hand to them, unſight unſeen. I like the young Man he has ſettled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have a valuable Conſideration for my Conſent: He wants my poor little Farm, becauſe it makes a Nook in his Park Wall; ye may e'en tell him, he has mair than he makes good uſe of; he gangs up and down drinking, roaring and quarrelling through all the Countrey Merkats ma⯑king fooliſh Bargins in his Cups, which he repents when he is ſober; like a thriftleſs Wretch, ſpending the Goods and Gear that his Fore-Fathers won with the Sweat of their Brows; light come, light go▪ he cares not a Farthing: But why ſhould I ſtand Surety for his ſilly contracts? the little I have is free, and I can call it my own; Hame's hame be it never ſo hamely; I ken him well enough, he could never a⯑bide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en uſe me as he did before; I'm ſure I ſhall be treated like a poor Drudge; I ſhall be ſet to tend the Bairns, darn the Hoſe, and mend the Linnen. Then there's no [] living with that auld Carline his Mother, ſhe rails at Jack and Jack's an honeſter man than any of her Kin: I ſhall be plagu'd with her Spells and her Pater⯑noſters and ſilly auld warld Ceremonies: I mun ne⯑ver pair my Nails on a Friday, nor begin a Journy on Childermas day, and I mun ſtand becking and bin⯑ging as I gang out and into the Hall: Tell him he may e'en gan his get, I'll have nothing to do with him, I'll ſtay like the poor Country Mouſe, in my own Habitation.’ So Peg talkt; but for all that, by the Interpoſition of good Friends, and by many a bonny thing that were ſent and many more that were promis'd Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg ta⯑ken into the Houſe upon certain Articles; one of which was, That ſhe might have the Freedom of Jack's Converſation, and might take him for Better and for Worſe, if ſhe pleas'd; provided always, he did not come into the Houſe at unſeaſonable Hours, and di⯑ſturb the Reſt of the Old Woman, John's Mother.

CHAP. V. Of ſome Quarrels that happen'd after Peg was taken into the Family.

IT is an old Obſervation, that the Qnarrels of Rela⯑tions are harder to reconcile than any other; Inju⯑ries from Friends fret and gall more and the Memo⯑ry of them is not ſo eaſily obliterated: This is cunning⯑ly repreſented by one of your old Sages, called Aeſop, in the Story of the Bird, that was griev'd extremely, for being wounded with an Arrow feather'd with his own Wing; as alſo of the Oak that let many a heavy Groan, when he was cleft with a Wedge of his own Timber. There was no Man in the World leſs ſub⯑ject to Rancour than John Bull, conſidering how often his good Nature had been Abus'd; yet I don't know, but he was too apt to hearken to tatling People, that carried Tales between him and his Siſter Peg, on pur⯑poſe to ſow Jealouſies, and ſet them together by the [...]ars: They ſay that there were ſome Hardſhips put upon [...], that had been better let alone; but it was the Buſineſs of good People to reſtrain the Injuries on [] one ſide, and moderate the Reſentments on the other; a good Friend acts both parts, the one without the other will not do. The Purchaſe-Money of Peg's Farm was ill paid; then Peg lov'd a little good Liquor, and the Servants ſhut up the Wine-Cellar, but for that Peg found a Trick, for ſhe made a falſe Key; Peg's Ser⯑vants complain'd that they were debar'd from all man⯑ner of Buſineſs, and never ſuffer'd to touch the leaſt thing within the Houſe; if they offered to come into the Warehouſe, then ſtrait went the Yard ſlap over their Noddle; if they ventur'd into the Counting-Room, a Fellow would throw an Ink bottle at their Head; if they came into the beſt Apartment, to ſet any thing there in order, they were ſaluted with a Broom; if they meddl'd with any thing in the Kit⯑chen, it was odds but the Cook laid them over the Pate with a Ladle; one that would have got into the Stables, was met by two Raſcals, who fell to work with him with a Bruſh and a Curry-comb; ſome climb⯑ing up into the Coach box, were told, that one of their Companions had been there before that could not drive, then ſlap went the long Whip about their Ears: On the other Hand it was complain'd, that Peg's Servants were always asking for Drink-Money, that they had more than their ſhare of the Chriſtmas-box; to ſay the Truth, Peg's Lads buſtl'd pretty hard for that, for when they were endeavouring to Lock it up, they got in their great Fiſts, and pull'd out Handfuls of Half-Crowns, ſome Shillings and Six-pences, others in the Scramble pick'd up Guineas and Broad-pieces. But there happen'd a worſe thing than all this, it was com⯑plain'd that Peg's Servants had great Stomachs, and brought too many of their Friends and Acquaintance to the Table; that John's Family was like to be Eat out of Houſe and Home. Inſtead of regulating this Matter as it ought to be, Peg's young Men were thruſt away from the Table; then there was the Devil and all to do, Spoons, Plates and Diſhes, flew about the Room like mad, and Sir Roger, who was now Major Domo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg ſaid this [] was contrary to Agreement, whereby ſhe was in all things to be treated like a Child of the Family; then ſhe call'd upon thoſe that had made her ſuch fair Pro⯑miſes, and undertook for her Brother John's good Be⯑haviour; but alas! to her Coſt, ſhe found that they were the firſt and readieſt to do her the Injury. John at laſt agreed to this Regulation, that Peg's Footme [...] might ſit with his Book-keeper, Journey-men and Ap⯑prentices; and Peg ▪s better ſort of Servants might ſit with his Footmen, if they pleas'd.

Then they began to order-Plumb Porridge and Minc'd Pies for Peg's Dinner: Peg told them ſhe had an Averſion to that ſort of Food; that upon forcing down a Meſs of it ſome Years ago, it threw her into a Fit, 'till ſhe brought it up again: Some alledg'd it was nothing but Humour, that the ſame Meſs ſhould be ſerv▪d up again for Supper, and Breakfaſt next Morning; others would have made uſe of a Horn, but the Wiſer ſort bid let her alone, and ſhe might take to it of her own Accord.

CHAP. VI. The Converſation between John Bull and his Wife.

THO' our Affairs, Honey are in a bad Condition. I have a better Opinion of them ſince you ſeem to be convinc'd of the Ill Courſe you have been in, and are reſolv'd to ſubmit to proper Remedies. But when I conſider your immenſe Debts▪ your fooliſh Bargains and the general Diſorder of your Buſineſs, I have a Curioſity to know what Fate or Chance has brought you into this Condition.

I wiſh you would talk of ſome other Sub⯑ject, the Thoughts of it make me mad, our Family muſt have their run.

But ſuch a ſtrange thing as this, never happen'd to any of your Family before; they have had Law Suits, but tho' they ſpent the Income, they never Mortgag'd the Stock: Sure you muſt have ſome of the [...] or the Norfolk Blood in you; prithee give me ſome Account of thſe Matters.

Who could help it? There lives not ſuch a Fellow by Bread, as that Old Lewis Baboon, it is the cheatingeſt, contentious Rogue, upon the Face of the Earth. You muſt know, one Day as Nic. Frog and I were over a Bottle making up an old Quarrel, the old Knave would needs have us drink a Bottle of his Champaigne, and ſo one after another, till my Friend Nic. and I, not being uſed to ſuch heady Stuff got bloody Drunk. Lewis all the while, either by the Strength of his Brain, or Flinching his Glaſs, kept him⯑ſelf ſober as a Judge. ‘My worthy Friends (quoth Lewis) henceforth let us live Neighbourly, I am as peaceable and quiet as a Lamb, of my own Temper, but it has been my Misfortune to live among quarrel⯑ſom Neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that is the Inheritance of Lord Strutt ▪s Eſtate; I am content, for Peace ſake to wave my Right, and ſubmit to any Expedient to prevent a Law-Suit; I think an equal Diviſion will be the fair⯑eſt way. Well mov'd Old Lewis (quoth Frog) and I hope my Friend John here will not be Refractory.’ At the ſame time he clap'd me on the Back, and ſlabber▪d me all over from Cheek to Cheek, with his great Tongue. Do as you pleaſe, Gentlemen (quoth I) 'tis all one to John Bull. We agreed to part that Night, and next Morning to meet at the Corner of Lord Strutt's Park Wall, with our ſurveying Inſtruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a Chain and a Semicircle, Nic Paper, Rulers and a Lead Pen⯑cil, and I follow'd at ſome diſtance with a long Pole. We began firſt with ſurveying the Meadow-Grounds, afterwards we meaſur'd the Corn Fields Cloſe by Cloſe, then we proceeded to the Wood-Lands, the Copper and Tin Mines. All this while Nic. laid down every thing exactly upon Paper, calculated the Acres and Roods to a great Nicety. When we had finiſh'd the Land, we were going to break into the Houſe and Gardens, to take an Inventory of his Plate, Pictures, and other Furniture.

What ſaid Lord Strutt to all this?

As we had almoſt finiſh'd our Concern, we were accoſted by ſome of Lord Strutt's Servants: ‘Hey day, what's here? What a Devils the mean⯑ing of all theſe Trangams and Gimcracks, Gentle⯑men? What, in the name of Wonder, are you go [...]ng about, jumping over my Maſter's Hedges, and run⯑ning your Lines croſs his Grounds? If you are at any Field-Paſtime, you might have ask'd leave, my Ma⯑ſter is a civil well-bred Perſon as any is.’

What could you Anſwer to this?

Why truly my Neighbour Frog and I were ſtill hot-headed; we told him his Maſter was an Old doating Puppy that minded nothing of his own Buſi⯑neſs; that we were Surveying his Eſtate, and ſettling it for him, ſince he would not do it himſelf. Upon this there happen'd a Qurrrel but we being ſtronger than they, ſent them away with a Flea in their Ear. They went home, and told their Maſter, ‘My Lord (ſay they) there are three odd ſort of Fellows going a⯑bout your Grounds with the ſtrangeſt Machines that ever we beheld in our Life; I ſuppoſe they are going to Rob your Orchard, fell your Trees, or drive a⯑way your Cattle; they told us ſtrange things of ſet⯑tling your Eſtate: One is a luſty old Fellow, in a black Wig, with a black Beard, without Teeth; there's another thick ſquat Fellow in Trunk-Hoſe; the third is a little long Nos'd, thin Man. (I was then Lean, being juſt come out of a fit of Sickneſs.) I ſuppoſe it is fit to ſend after them, leſt they carry ſomething away.’

I fancy this put the Old Fellow in a rare Tweag.

Weak as he was, he call'd for his long To⯑ledo ſwore and bounc'd about the Room, ‘Sdeath! what am I come to, to be Affronted ſo by my Trades⯑men? I know the Raſcals! my Barber, Clothier and Linnen-Draper, diſpoſe of my Eſtate! bring hither my Blunderbuſs I'll warrant ye you ſhall ſee Day⯑light through them. Scoundrels! Dogs! the Scum of the Earth! Frog, that was my Fathers Kitchen⯑boy, he pretend to meddle with my Eſtate! with my Will! Ah poor Strutt, what art thou come to at laſt, thou haſt liv'd too long in the World, to ſee thy Age [] and Infirmity ſo deſpis'd? How will the Ghoſts of my noble Anceſtors receive theſe Tidings? They cannot, muſt not ſleep quietly in their Graves. In ſhort, the Old Gentleman was carried off in a Fainting Fit, and after bleeding in both Arms hardly recover▪d.’

Really this was a very extraordinary way of Proceeding: I long to hear the reſt of it.

After we had come back to the Tavern, and taken t'other Bottle of Champaigne, we quarrell'd a little about the Diviſion of the Eſtate; Lewis hall'd and pull'd the Map on one ſide, and Frog and I on t'o⯑ther, till we had like to have tore the Parchment to pieces. At laſt Lewis pull'd out a pair of great Tay⯑lor's Shears and clip'd off a Corner for himſelf, which he ſaid was a Mannor that lay convenient for him, and left Frog and me the reſt to diſpoſe of, as we pleas'd. We were over-joy'd, to think Lewis was contented with ſo little, not ſmelling what was at the bottom of the Plot. There happen'd, indeed, an Incident, that gave us ſome Diſturbance; A Cunning Fellow, one of my Servants, two Days after, peeping through the Key-hole, obſerv'd that Old Lewis had ſtole away our part of the Map, and ſaw him fiddling and turn⯑ing the Map from one Corner to the other, trying to join the two pieces together again: He was mutte⯑ring ſomething to himſelf, which he did not well hear, only theſe Words, 'Tis great Pity, 'tis great Pity! My Servant added, that he believ'd this had ſome ill-meaning; I told him he was a Coxcomb, always pre⯑tending to be Wiſer than his Companions; Lewis and I are good Friends, he's an honeſt Fellow, and, I dare ſay, will ſtand to his Bargain. The Sequel of the Story prov'd this Fellow's Suſpicion to be too well-grounded; for Lewis reveal▪d our whole Secret to the Deceas'd Lord Strutt, who, in Reward to his Trea⯑chery, and Revenge to Frog and me, ſettled his whole Eſtate upon the preſent Philip Baboon: Then we un⯑derſtood what he meant by piecing the Map toge⯑ther.

And was you ſurpris'd at this? Had not Lord Strutt reaſon to be Angry? Would you have been contented to have been ſo us'd your ſelf?

Why, truly Wife, it was not eaſily recon⯑ciled to the common Methods, but then it was the Faſhion to do ſuch things: I have read of your Golden Age, your Silver Age, &c. one might juſtly call this the Age of the Lawyers. There was hardly a Man of Subſtance in all the Country, but had [...] Counterfeit that pretended to his Eſtate: As the Philoſophers ſay, that there is a Duplicate of every Terreſtrial A⯑nimal at Sea, ſo it was in this Age of the Lawyers, there was at leaſt two of every thing; nay, o' my Conſcience, I think there were three Eſquire Hackums at one time. Lewis Baboon entertain▪d a Fellow that call'd himſelf John Bull's Heir; I knew him no more than the Child unborn, yet he brought me into ſome Trouble and Expence. There was another that pre⯑tended to be Eſq. South; and two Lord Strutts, you know. In ſhort, it was uſual for a parcel of Fellows to meet, and diſpoſe of the whole Eſtates in the Coun⯑try: This lies convenient for me Tom; Thou would do more good with that Dick, than the Old Fellow that has it ▪ So to Law they went with the true Owners; the Lawyers got well by it, every Body elſe was undone. It was a common thing for an honeſt Man, when he came Home at Night, to find another Fellow domi⯑neering in his Family, hectoring his Servants, calling for Supper, and pretending to go to Bed to his Wife. In every Houſe you might obſerve two Sofia's quar⯑relling who was Maſter: For my own part, I am ſtill afraid of the ſame Treatment, that I ſhould find ſome Body behind my Counter ſelling my Broad Cloath.

There are a ſort of Fellows that they call Banterers, and Bambouzlers, that play ſuch Tricks; but, it ſeems, theſe Fellows were in earneſt.

I begin to think that Juſtice is a better Rule than Conveniency, for all ſome People make ſo ſlight on't.

CHAP. VII. Of the hard Shifts Mrs. Bull was put to, to preſerve the Mannor of Bullock's Hatch; with Sir Roger's Method to keep off importunate Duns.

AS John Bull and his Wife were talking together, they were ſurpriz▪d with a ſudden knocking at [] the Door, thoſe wicked Scriveners and Lawyers no doubt (quoth John) and ſo it was; ſome asking for the Money he ow'd, and others warning to prepare for the approaching Term: What a curſed Life do I lead ▪quoth John)? Debt is like deadly Sin; for God-ſake, Sir Roger, get me rid of theſe Fellows. I'll warrant you (quoth Sir Roger) leave them to me. And in eed it was pleaſant enough to obſerve Sir Roger's Method with theſe importunate Duns; his ſincere Friendſhip for John Bull, made him ſubmit to many things, for his Service, which he would have ſcorn▪d to have done for himſelf. Sometimes he would ſtand at the Door with his long Poll to keep off the Duns, 'till John got out at the Back-Door. When the Lawyers and Tradeſ⯑men brought extravagant Bills, Sir Roger us'd to bar⯑gain before hand, for leave to cut off a quarter of a Yard in any part of the Bill he pleaſed; he wore a pair of Sciſſars in his Pocket for this purpoſe, and would ſnip it off ſo nicely, as you cannot imagine; like a [...] Goldſmith he kept all your Holydays; there was not one wanting in his Calendar; when ready Money was ſcarce, he would ſet them a telling a tho [...] Pounds and Six-pences, Groats, and Three pe [...] Pieces: It would have done your Heart good to have ſeen him charge thro' an Army of Lawyers, Attorney's, Clerks and Tradeſmen; ſometimes with Sword in Hand, at other times nuzling like an Eel in the Mud: When a Fellow ſtuck like a Bur, that there was no ſhaking him off, he [...] to be a mighty inqui⯑ſitive about the Health of his Uncles and Aunts in the Country; he could call them all by their Names, for he knew every Body, and could talk to them in their own way. The extremely Impertinent he would ſend away to ſee ſome ſtrange Sight, as the Dragon at Hock⯑ley the Hole; or bid him call the 30th of next February. Now and then you would ſee him in the Kitchen, weighing the Beef and Butter, paying ready Money, that the Maids might not run a-tick at the Market; and the Butchers, by bribing of them, ſell Damag▪d and Light Meat. Another time he would ſlip into the Cellar, and gage the Casks: In his leiſure Minutes he [] was poſting his Books, and gathering in his Debts; uch frugal Methods were neceſſary where Money was ſo ſcarce, and Duns ſo numerous. All this while John kept his Credit, could ſhow his Head both at Change and Weſtminiſter-Hall; no Man proteſted his Bill, nor refus'd his Bond, only the Sharpers and the Scrive⯑ners; the Lawyers and other Clerks pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The Squirters were at it with their Kennel-Water, for they were mad for the loſs of their Bubble, and that they could not get him to Mortgage the Mannor of Bullocks Hatch. Sir Roger ſhook his Ears and nuzled along, well-ſatisfied within himſelf that he was doing a charitable Work, in reſcuing an honeſt Man from the Claws of Harpies and Blood-ſuckers. Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate Wife, and a good Houſewife, could do; yet the Boundaries of Virtues are indiviſible Lines, it is impoſſible to march up cloſe to the Frontiers of Frugality, without entering the Territories of Parſimony. Your good Houſewifes, are apt to look into the minuteſt Things: Therefore ſome blam'd Mrs. Bull for new heel-piecing her Shoes, grudging a quarter of a Pound of Soap and Sand to ſcowre the Rooms, but eſpecially, that ſhe would not allow her Maids and Apprentices the Benefit of John Bunyan, the London-Apprentice, or the Seven-Champions, in the Black Letter.

CHAP. VIII. A Continuation of the Converſation betwixt John Bull and his Wife.

IT is a moſt ſad Life we lead, my Dear to be ſo teaz'd paying Intereſt for Old Debts, and ſtill contracting new Ones. However I don't blame you for vindicating your Ho⯑nour and chaſtizing old Lewis; to curb the Inſolent, protect the Oppreſt, recover ones own, and defend what one has, are good Effects of the Law: The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an End of your Money before you finiſh'd your Law Suit.

I was told by the Learned in the Law, that my Suit ſtood upon three firm Pillars: More Mo⯑ny for more Law, more Law for more Mony, and no [] Compoſition. More Money for more Law was plain Demonſtration, for who can go to Law without Mony? and it was as plain, that any Man that has Mony, may have Law for it. The third was as Evident as the other two; for what Compoſition could be made with a Rogue that never kept a Word he ſaid?

I think you are moſt likely to get out of this Labyrinth by the ſecond Door, by want of ready Money to purchaſe this precious Commodity: But you ſeem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you have bought; elſe how was it poſſible to run ſo much in Debt, when, at this very time the yearly Income of what is Mortgag'd to thoſe Uſurers would diſcharge Hocus's Bills, and give you your Belly full of Law, or all your Life, without run⯑ning one Six Pence in Debt? You have been bred up to Buſineſs; I ſuppoſe you can Cypher, I wonder you never us'd your Pen and Ink.

Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear Wife, hold thy Tongue. Suppoſe a young Heir, heedleſs, raw, and unexperienced, full of Spirit and Vigour, with a favourite Paſſion, in the Hands of [...] Scriveners: Such Fellows are like your Wire [...] Mills, if they get hold of a Man's Finger, [...] pull in his whole Body at laſt, till they ſqueeze [...] Blood and Guts out of him. When I wanted Mon [...], half a dozen of theſe Fellows were al⯑ways waiting in my Antichamber, with their Securi⯑ties ready drawn. I was tempted with the Ready, ſome Farm or other went to Pot. I receiv'd with one Hand, and paid it away with the other, to Lawyers; that, like ſo many Hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the Rogues would plead Poverty, and Scarcity of Money, that always ended in receiving Ninety for the Hundred After they had got Poſſeſſi⯑on of my beſt Rents, they were able to ſupply me with my own Mony. But what was worſe, when I look'd into the Securities, there was no Clauſe of Redemp⯑tion.

No Clauſe of Redemption, ſay you; that's hard!

No great matter, for I cannot pay them. They had got a worſe Trick than that; the ſame Man bought and Sold to himſelf, paid the Mony, and gave the Acquittance: The ſame Man was Butcher and Graſier, Brewer and Butler, Cook and Poulterer. There is ſomething ſtill worſe than all this; there came twenty Bills upon me at once, which I had given Mo⯑ny to diſcharge; I was like to be pull'd to Pieces, by Brewer, Butcher, and Baker, even my Herb-Woman dun'd me as I went along the Streets (thanks to my Friend Sir R [...]ger, elſe I muſt have gone to Goal). When I askd the meaning of this, I was told, the Mony went to the Lawyers; Counſel won't tick, Sir; Hocus was urging; my Book-keeper ſat Sotting all Day, playing at Purt, and All-fours: In ſhort, by griping Uſurers, devouring Lawyers, and negligent Servants, I am brought to this paſs.

This was hard uſage! but methinks, the leaſt reflection might have retriev'd you.

'Tis true, yet conſider my Circumſtances, my Honour was engag'd, and I did not know how to get out; beſides, I was for Five Years often Drunk, always mud⯑dled, they carried me from Tavern to Tavern, to Ale⯑houſes and Brandy-ſhops, brought me acquainted with ſuch ſtrange Dogs: There goes the prittieſt Fellow in the World (ſays one) for managing a Jury, make him yours. There's another can pick you up Witneſſes. Serjeant ſuch a one has a Silver Tongue at the Bar. I believe, in time I ſhould have retain'd every ſingle Perſon within the Inns of Court. The Night after a Trial, I treated the Lawyers, their Wives and Daughters, with Fid⯑dles, Hautboys, Drums and Trumpets. I was always hot-headed; then they plac▪d me in the middle, the Attorneys and their Clerks dancing about me, hoop⯑ing and hallowing, Long live John Bull, the Glory and Support of the Law!

Really, Husband, you went through a very notable Courſe.

One of the things that firſt alarm'd me was, that they ſhew'd a Spite againſt my poor Old Mother; ‘Lord (quoth I) what makes you ſo Jealous [] of a poor, old, innocent Gentlewoman, that minds only her Prayers, and her Practice of Piety, ſhe never meddles in any of your Concerns? Foh (ſay they) to ſee a handſome▪ brisk, genteel▪ young Fel⯑low, ſo much govern'd by a doating old Woman; why don't yo and ſuck the Bubby? Do you conſider ſhe keeps you of a good Jointure? ſhe has the beſt of your Eſtate ſettled upon her for Rent-Charge: Hang her, old Thief, turn her out of Doors, ſeize her Lands, and let her go to Law if ſhe dares. Soft and fair, Gentlemen (quoth I) my Mother's my Mother, our Family are not of an unnatural Temper. Tho I don't take all her Advice, I won't ſeize her Jointure; long may ſhe enjoy it, good Woman, I don't grudge it her: She allows me now and then a Brace of Hun⯑dreds for my Law-Suit; that's pretty fair.’ About this time the old Gentlewoman fell ill of an odd ſort of a Diſtemper; it began with a Coldneſs and Numb⯑neſs in her Limbs, which by degrees affected the Nerves (I think the Phyſicians call them) ſeiz'd the Brain, and at laſt ended in a Lethargy. It betray'd it ſelf at firſt in a ſort of Indifference and Careleſneſs in all her Actions, Coldneſs to her beſt Friends, and an A⯑verſion to ſtir or go about the common Offices of Life. She that was the cleanlieſt Creature in the World, ne⯑ver ſhrunk now if you ſet a Cloſe-ſtool under her Noſe. She that would ſometimes rattle off her Servants pretty ſharply, now if ſhe ſaw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. Inſtead of her uſual Charities to deſerving Perſons, ſhe threw away her Money upon roaring ſwearing Bullies, and randy Beggars, that went about the Streets. What is the mat⯑ter with the old Gentlewoman (ſaid every Body) ſhe nev [...] us'd to do in this manner? At laſt the Diſtemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into ravi [...] Fits; in which ſhe ſhriek'd out ſo loud, that ſhe d [...] ⯑ſturb'd the whole Neighbourhood. In her Fits [...] call'd out upon one Sir William. Oh! Sir William, [...] haſt betray'd me! kill'd me! ſtabb'd me! ſold me [...] Cuckold of Dover! See, ſee, Clum with his bloody Kni [...] ſeize him, ſeize him, ſtop him! Behold the the Fury, [...] [] her hiſſing Snakes! Where's my Son John! is he well! is he well! poor Man, I pity him! And abundance of ſuch ſtrange Stuff, that no Body could make any thing of. I knew little of the Matter, for when I enquir'd about her Health, the Anſwer was, that ſhe was in a good mo⯑derate way. Phyſicians were ſent for in haſte; Sir Ro⯑ger with great difficulty, brought R [...]ff; G [...]th came upon the firſt Meſſage. There were ſeveral o⯑thers call'd in; but, as uſual upon ſuch Occaſions, they differ'd ſtrangely at the Conſultation. At laſt they divided into two Parties, one ſided with G [...]th, and the other with R [...]ff. Dr. G [...]th. This Caſe ſeems to me to be plainly Hyſterical; the Old Woman is Whimſical; it is a common thing for your Old Women to be ſo: I'll pawn my Life, Bliſters with the Steel Diet, will recover her. Others ſuggeſted ſtrong Purging and Let⯑ting of Blood becauſe ſhe was Plethorick. Some went ſo far as to ſay the Old Woman was mad, and nothing would do better than a little Corporal Correction. R [...]ff. Gentlemen, you are miſtaken in this Caſe, it is plainly an accute Diſtemper, and ſhe cannot hold out three Days, without ſhe is ſupported with ſtrong Cordials. I came into the Room with a good deal of Concern, and ask'd them what they thought of my Mother? In no manner of Danger, I vow to God (quoth G [...]th) the Old Woman is Hyſterical, Fanciful, Sir, I vow to God. I tell you, Sir (ſays R [...]ff) ſhe can't live three Days to an end, unleſs there is ſome very effectual Courſe taken with her, ſhe has a Malignant Fever. Then Fool, Puppy, and Block⯑head, was the beſt Words they gave. I could hardly reſtrain them from throwing the Ink-Bottles at one another's Heads. I forgot to tell you, that one Party of the Phyſicians deſir'd I would take my Siſter Peg into the Houſe to Nurſe her, but the Old Gentlewoman would not hear of that. At laſt one Phyſician ask'd if the Lady had ever been us'd to take Laudanum; her Maid anſwer'd, not that ſhe knew; that indeed there was a High German Livery-Man of hers, one Van Ptſ⯑chirnſooker, that gave her a ſort of a Quack Powder. The Phyſician deſir'd to ſee it; Nay, ſays he, there is Opium in this, I am ſure.

I hope you examin'd a little into this Matter.

I did indeed, and diſcover'd a great My⯑ſtery of Iniquity. The Witneſſes made Oath, That they had heard ſome of the Livery-men frequently railing at their Miſtreſs. ‘They ſaid, She was a troubleſome fiddle faddle old Woman, and ſo ceremonious that there was no bearing of her. They were ſo plagu'd with bowing and cringing as they went in and out of the Room, that their Backs ach'd; ſhe us'd to ſcold at one for his dirty Shoes, at another for his greaſie Hair, and not combing his Head: Then ſhe was ſo paſſionate and fiery in her Temper, that there was no living with her; ſhe wanted ſomething to ſweeten her Blood; that they never had a quiet Night's reſt, for getting up in the Morning to early Sacraments; that they wiſh'd they could find ſome way or another to keep the old Woman quiet in her Bed.’ Such Diſ⯑courſes were often overheard among the Livery-men, that the ſaid Van Ptſchirnſooker had undertook this Matter. A Maid made Affidavit, ‘That ſhe had ſeen the ſaid Van Ptſchirnſooker one of the Livery-Men, frequently making up of Medicines and adminiſtring them to all the Neighbours; that ſhe ſaw him one Morning make up the Powder which her Miſtreſs took; that ſhe had the Curioſity to ask him whence he had the Ingredients? They come (ſays he) from ſeveral Parts of de World; dis I have from Geneva, dat from Rome, this White Powder from Amſterdam, and the Red from Edinburgh; but the chief Ingredi⯑ent of all comes from Turkey.’ It was likewiſe proved, that the ſaid Van Ptſchirnſooker had been frequent⯑ly ſeen at the Roſe with Jack, who was known to bea [...] an inveterate Spite to his Miſtreſs; That he brought [...] certain Powder to his Miſtreſs, which the Examina [...] believes to be the ſame, and ſpoke the following Word [...] ▪ Madam, here is grand Secret van de Warld; my ſweetni [...] Powder, it does temperate de Humour, deſpel de Wind [...] and cure de Vapour; it lulleth and quieteth de Animal Sp [...] ⯑rits, procuring Reſt, and pleaſant Dreams: It is the infall [...] ⯑ble Receipt for de Scurvy, all Heass in de Bloodt, and Br [...] ⯑ing [] out upon de Skin; It is de true Blood Stancher, ſtopping all Fluxes of de bloodt. If you do take dis, you will never ail any ding; it will Cure you of all Diſeaſes: And abun⯑dance more to this purpoſe, which the Examinant does not remember.

John Bull was interrupted in his Story by a Porter, that brought him a Letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows.

CHAP. IX. A Copy of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. [John Bull Reads]

WHat [...]lum is it that makes thee jea⯑lous of thy old Friend Nicholas? Haſt thou forgot how ſome Years ago he took thee out of the Spunging Houſe? ['Tis true, my Friend Nic. did ſo, and I thank him; but he made me pay a ſwinging Reck'ning.] Thou begins now to repent the Bar⯑gain that thou waſt ſo fond of; and, if thou durſt, would forſwear thy own Hand and Seal. Thou ſayſt, that thou haſt purchas'd me too great an Eſtate already; when at the ſame time thou knoweſt I have only a Mortgage: 'Tis true, I have Poſſeſſion, and the Tenants own me for Maſter; but, has not Eſquire South the Equity of Redemption? [No doubt, and will redeem it very ſpeedily; poor Nic. has only Poſſeſſion, eleven Points of the Law] As for the Turnpikes I have ſet up they are for other People not for my Friand John: I have order'd my Servant con⯑ſtantly to attend to [...]et thy Carriages through without paying any thing: only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to ſpoil my Ways. Certainly I have juſt Cauſe of Offence againſt thee my Friend, for ſuppoſing it poſſible that thou and I ſhould ever quarrel: What Hounsfoot is it that puts theſe Whims in thy Head? Ten Thouſand Laſt of Devils haul me if I don't love thee as I love my Life. [No queſtion, as the Devil loves Holy-Water!] Does not thy own Hand and Seal oblige [...] to purchaſe for me, till I ſay it is enough? Are not [...] Words plain. I ſay it is not enough. Doſt thou think thy Fri [...]nd Nicholas Frog made a Child's Bargain? Mark the Words of thy Contract, tota pecunia, with all thy Money. [Very well! I have purchas'd with my own Money, my Childrens, and my Grand childrens Money, is not that enough? Well [] tota pecunia let it be, for at preſent I have none at all; He would not have me purchaſe with other Peoples Money ſure, ſince tota pecunia is the Bargain; I think it is plain, no more Money, no more Purchaſe.] And whatever the World may ſay, Nicholas Frog is but a poor Man in compariſon of the rich, the opulent John Bull great Clothier of the Warld. I have had many Loſſes, ſix of my beſt Sheep were drown'd, and the Water has come into my Cellar, and ſpoil'd a Pipe of my beſt Brandy: It would be a more friendly Act in thee to carry a Brief about the Country to repair the Loſſes of thy poor Friend. Is it not evident to all the World, that I am ſtill hem'd in by Lewis Baboon? is he not juſt upon my Borders? [And ſo he will be if I Purchaſe a thouſand Acres more, unleſs he gets ſome Body betwixt them.] I tell thee Friend John thou haſt Flatterers, that perſuade thee that thou art a Man of Buſineſs; do not believe them: If thou would'ſt ſtill leave thy Affairs in my Hands thou ſhould'ſt ſee how handſomly I would deal by thee. That ever thou ſhould'ſt be dazzled with the inchanted Iſlands, and Mountains of Gold, that old Lewis promiſes thee! 'Dſwounds! Why doſt thou not lay out thy Money to Purchaſe a Place at Court, of honeſt Iſrael? I tell thee, thou muſt not ſo much as think of a Compoſition. [Not think of a Compoſition, that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou complainſt of want of Money, let thy Wife and Daughter burn the God Lace upon their Petticoats, ſell thy fat Cat⯑tle; retrench but a Sirloin of Beef, and a Peck-Loaf in a Week from thy gormandizing Guts [Retrench my Beef, a Dog! Retrench my Beef! then it is plain the Raſcal has an ill Deſign upon me, he would ſtarve me.] Mortgage thy Manor of Bullocks Hatch, or Pawn thy Crop for Ten Year. [A Rogue! Part with my Country Seat, my Patrimony, all that I have left in the World, I▪ll ſee him hang'd firſt.] Why haſt thou chang'd thy Attorney? Can any Man manage thy Cauſe better for thee? [Very pleaſant! becauſe a Man has a good Attorney, he muſt never make an End of his Law-Suit.] Ah John, John, I wiſh thou knevveſt thy ovvn Mind: Thou art as fickle as the Wind. I [] tell thee thou hadſt better let this Compoſition a⯑lone, or leave it to thy Loving Friend,

CHAP. X. Of ſome extraordinary Things that paſs'd at the Salutation Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Eſq South, and Lewis Baboon.

Frog had given his Word, that he would meet the above mention'd Company at the Salutation, to talk of this Agreement; tho' he durſt not directly break his Appointment, he made many a ſhuffling Ex⯑cuſe; one time he pretended to be ſeized with the Gout in his right Knee; then he got a great Cold that had ſtruck him deaf of one Ear; afterwards two of his Coach-Horſes fell ſick, and he durſt not go by Water, for fear of catching an Ague. John would take no Excuſe but hurry'd him away: Come Nic. (ſays he) let's go and hear at leaſt what this old Fellow has to propoſe; I hope there's no hurt in that. Be it ſo (quoth Nic.) but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my Wife and Children will curſe you as long as they live. When they were come to the Salutation, John conclu⯑ded all was ſure then, and that he ſhou'd be troubled no more with Law affairs; he thought every Body as plain and ſincere as he was. Well Neighbours (quoth he) let's now make an end of all Matters, and live peaceably together for the time to come; if every bo⯑dy is as well inclin'd as I, we ſhall quickly come to the upſhot of our Affair: And ſo pointing to Frog to ſay ſomething, to the great ſurprize of all the Company, Frog was ſeizd with a dead Palſy in the Tongue. John began to ask him ſome plain Queſtions, and hoop'd and hollow'd in his Ear. John Bull, Let's come to the Point, Nic' Who would'ſt thou have to be the Lord Strutt? Would'ſt thou have Philip Baboon? Nic, ſhook his head and ſaid nothing. John Bull Wilt thou then have Eſquire South to be Lord Strutt? Nic. ſhook his Head a ſecond time. John Bull. Then who the Devil wilt thou have? ſay ſomething or another. Nic. open▪d his Mouth, and pointed to his Tongue, and cry'd A, a a, a! which was as much as to ſay, he could not ſpeak. John Bull. Shall I ſerve Philip Baboon with [] Broad cloth, and accept of the Compoſition that he offers, with the Liberty of his Parks and Fiſhponds? Then Nic. roar'd like a Bull, O, o, o, o! If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them thy ſelf? Then Nic. grin'd, cackled and laugh'd, till he was like to kill himſelf, and ſeem'd to be ſo pleas'd, that he fell a frisking and dancing about the [...]oom. John Bull. Shall I leave all this Matter to thy [...]anagement, Nic. and go about my Buſineſs? Then Nic. got up a Glaſs, and drank to John, ſhaking him by the Hand till he had like to have ſhook his ſhoulder out of Joint. John Bull. I underſtand thee, Nic. but I ſhall make thee ſpeak before I go. Then Nic. put his Finger in his Cheek, and made him cry Buck, which was as much as to ſay, I care not a Farthing for thee. John Bull. I have done Nic. If thou wilt not ſpeak, I'll make my own Terms with old Lewis here. Then Nic loll▪d out his Tongue, and turn'd up his Bumm to him; which was as much as to ſay, Kiſs [...]. John perceiving that Frog would not ſpeak, turns to old Lewis: Since we cannot make this obstinate Fellow ſpeak, Lewis pray condeſcend a little to his Humour, and ſet down thy meaning upon Paper, [...] may anſwer it in another Scrap. I am infinitely [...] (quoth Lewis) that it happens ſo unfortunately; for playing a little at Cudgels t'other Day, a Fellow has given me ſuch a Rap over the Right Arm, that I am quite Lame: [...] have loſt the Uſe of my Forefinger and Thumb, ſo that I [...] hold my Pen. John Bull, That's all one, let me [...] for you. Lewis. But I have a Misfortune, that I [...]nnot read any bodies hand but my own. John Bull. Try what you can do with your Left Hand. Lewis. That's impoſſible; it will make ſuch a Scrawl, that it will not be legible. As they were talking of this Matter, in came Eſquire South all dreſt up in Feathers and Ribbons, ſtark ſtaring mad, brandiſhing his Sword, as if he [...]ld have cut off their Heads; crying, Room, room, [...] for the grand Eſquire of the World! the Flower of [...]quires! What, cover'd in my Preſence; I'll cruſh your [...]ouls, and crack you like Lice! With that he had like to [...]ave ſtruck John Bull's Hat into the Fire; but John, [...] was pretty ſtrong fiſted, gave him ſuch a Squeeze, [] as made his Eyes Water. He went on ſtill in his mad Pranks; When I am Lord of the Univerſe, the sun ſhall [...] and adore me! Thou, Frog, ſhalt be my Bailiff; Lewis my Taylor, and thou, John Bull, ſhalt be my Fool! All this [...] Frog laugh▪d in his Sleeve, gave the Eſquire [...] Noggan of Brandy, and clap▪d him on the Back which made him ten times madder. Poor John ſtood in amaze, talking thus to himſelf: Well John thou art got into rare Company! One has a dumb De⯑vil▪ t'other a mad Devil, and the third a Spirit of Infir⯑mity. An honeſt Man has a fine time on▪t amongſt ſuch Rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty Boon one would think! Only to ſit quietly at thy own Fireſide. 'Sdeath, what have I to do with ſuch Fellows! John Bull after all [...] Loſſes and Cr [...]ſſes can live better without them, than they can without him. Would to God I liv'd a thouſand Leagues off them: But the Devil's in't: John Bull is in, and John Bull muſt get out as well as be can. As he was talking to himſelf, he obſerv▪d Frog and Old Lewis edgng towards one another to Whiſper; ſo that John was forced to ſit with his Arms a-kimbo, to keep them aſunder. Some People advis'd John to Blood Frog under the Ton [...]ue, or take away his Bread and Butter, which would certainly make him ſpeak; to give Eſquire South Hellebore; as for Lewis, ſome were for emollient Poltass, others for opening his Arm with an Inciſion knife.

I could not obtain from Sir Humphry, at this time, a Copy of John ▪s Letter, which he ſent to his Nephew by the young Necromancer; wherein he adviſes him not to eat Butter, Ham, and drink Old Hock in a Morning, with the Eſquire and Frog, for fear of giving him a ſour Breath.