[1] LEWIS BABOON Turned Honeſt, AND JOHN BULL POLITICIAN.

CHAP. I.

WHere, I think, I left John Bull, ſit⯑ting between Nic. Frog and Lewis Baboon, with his Arms a-kimbo, in great Concern to keep Lewis and Nic. aſun⯑der. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the Means, now and then, to ſtear a Whiſper, and, by a cleanly Conveyance under the Ta⯑ble, to ſlip a ſhort Note into Lewis's hand, [2] which Lewis as ſlyly put into John's Pocket, with a Pinch or a Jog, to warn him what he was about. John had the Curioſity to retire into a Corner, to peruſe theſe Billet deux of Nic's; wherein he found, that Nic, had uſed great Freedoms, both with his Intereſt and Reputation. One contained theſe words, Dear Lewis, Thou ſeest clearly that this Block⯑head can never bring his Matters to bear: Let thee and me talk to night by our ſelves at the Roſe, and I'll give thee Satisfaction. Another was thus expreſs'd; Friend Lewis, Has thy Senſe quite forſaken thee, to make Bull ſuch Of⯑fers? Hold fast, part with nothing, and I will give thee a better Bargain, I'll warrant thee.

In ſome of his Billets, he told Lewis ‘"that John Bull was under his Guardianſhip; that the beſt part of his Servants were at his Command; that he could have John gagg'd and bound whenever he pleaſed, by the People of his own Family."’ In all theſe Epiſtles, Blockhead, Dunce, Aſs, Cox⯑comb, were the beſt Epithets he gave poor John: In others he threatned, ‘"that He, Eſquire South, and the reſt of the Tradeſ⯑men, would lay Lewis down upon his Back, beat out his Teeth, if he did not retire immediately, and break up the Meeting.’

I fancy I need not tell my Reader, that John often chang'd Colour as he read, and that his Fingers itch'd to give Nic. a good Slap on the Chops, but he wiſely moderated [3] his cholerick Temper: ‘"I ſav'd this Fellow (quoth he) from the Gallows when he ran away from his laſt Maſter, becauſe I thought he was harſhly treated; but the Rogue was no fooner ſafe under my Protection, than he began to lie, pilfer, and ſteal, like the Devil: When I firſt ſet him up in a warm Houſe, he had hardly put up his Sign, when he began to debauch my beſt Cu⯑ſtomers from me: Then it was his con⯑ſtant Practice to rob my Fiſh-ponds, not only to feed his Family, but to trade with the Fiſhmongers: I conniv'd at the Fellow till he began to tell me, that they were his as much as mine: In my Manour of Eaſtcheap, becauſe it lay at ſome diſtance from my conſtant Inſpection, he broke down my Fences, robb'd my Orchards, and beat my Servants. When I us'd to repri⯑mand him for his Tricks, he would talk ſaucily, lye, and brazen it out, as if he had done nothing amiſs. Will nothing cure thee of thy Pranks Nic. (quoth I?) I ſhall be forced, ſome time or another, to chaſtiſe thee: The Rogue got up his Cane and threatned me, and was well thwack'd for his Pains: But I think his Behaviour at this time worſt of all; after I have al⯑moſt drowned my ſelf, to keep his Head above Water, he would leave me ſticking in the Mud, truſting to his Goodneſs to help me out. After I have beggar'd my [4] ſelf with his troubleſome Law-Suit, with a Pox to him, he takes it in mighty Dud⯑geon becauſe I have brought him here to end Matters amicably, and becauſe I won't let him make me over, by Deed and Inden⯑ture, as his lawful Cully; which, to my certain Knowledge, he has attempted ſe⯑veral times. But, after all, canſt thou ga⯑ther Grapes from Thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a Gentleman, he is a Tradeſ⯑man, a ſelf-ſeeking Wretch, but how ca⯑meſt thou to bear all this, John? The Rea⯑ſon is plain; Thou conferreſt the Benefits, and he receives them; the firſt produces Love, and the laſt Ingratitude: Ah! Nic. Nic. thou art a damn'd Dog, that's cer⯑tain; thou knoweſt too well, that I will take care of thee, elſe thou would'ſt not uſe me thus: I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou ſhalt not ſell me, according to thy laudable Cuſtom.’While John was deep in this Soliloquy, Nic. broke out into the following Proteſta⯑tion.

John Bull begg'd him to lay aſide that immoderate Concern for him; and withal, put him in mind, that the Intereſt of thoſe Tradeſmen had not ſat quite ſo heavy upon him ſome Years ago, on a like Occaſion. Nic. anſwer'd little to that, but immediately pull'd out a Boatſwain's Whiſtle; upon the firſt Whiff, the Tradeſmen came jumping into the Room, and began to ſurround Lewis like ſo many yelping Curs about a great Boar, or, to uſe a modeſter Simile, like Duns at a great Lord's Leve the Morning he goes into the Country; one pull'd him by the Sleeve, ano⯑ther by the Skirt, a third hallow'd in his Ear; they began to ask him for all that had been taken from their Forefathers by Stealth, Fraud, Force, or lawful Purchaſe; ſome ask'd for Manours, others for Acres, that lay con⯑venient for them; that he would pull down his Fences, level his Ditches; all agreed in one common Demand, that he ſhould be [6] purg'd, ſweated, vomited, and ſtarv'd, till be came to a ſizeable Bulk, like that of his Neighbours; one modeſtly ask'd him Leave to call him Brother; Nic. Frog demanded two Things, to be his Porter and his Fiſhmonger, to keep the Keys of his Gates, and furniſh his Kitchen; John's Siſter Peg only deſir'd that he would let his Servants ſing Pſalms a Sun⯑days; ſome deſcended even to the asking of old Cloaths, Shoes, and Boots, broken Bottles, Tobacco-pipes, and Ends of Candles.

Monſieur Bull (quoth Lewis) you ſeem to be a Man of ſome Breeding; for God's ſake uſe your Intereſt with theſe Meſſicurs, that they wou'd ſpeak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of Hands, and as many Tongues, he cannot ſatisfy them all at this rate. John begg'd they might proceed with ſome Method; then they ſtop'd all of a ſud⯑den, and would not ſay a word. If this be your Play (quoth John) that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb Meeting, let us begin ſome Diverſion; what d'ye think of Rouly-Pouly, or a Country-Dance? What if we ſhould have a Match at Football! I am ſure we ſhall never end Matters at this rate.

CHAP. II.

DƲring this general Ceſſation of Talk, what if You and I Nic. ſhould en⯑quire how Money-matters ſtand between us?

With all my Heart, I love exact Dealing; and let Hocus Audit; he knows how the Money was disburs'd.

I am not much for that at preſent; we'll ſettle it between Ourſelves: Fair and Square Nic. keeps Friends together. There have been laid out in this Law-Suit, at one time 36000 Pounds and 40000 Crowns: In ſome Caſes I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.

Right: I pay three Fifths of the greateſt Number, and you pay two Thirds of the leſſer Number: I think this is Fair and Square as you call it.

Well, go on.

Two Thirds of 36000 Pounds are 24000 Pounds for your Share, and there remains 12000 for mine. Again, Of the 40000 Crowns I pay 24000, which is three Fifths, and you pay only 16000, which is two Fifths; 24000 Crowns make 6000 Pounds, and 16000 Crowns make 4000 Pounds: 12000 and 6000 make 18000: 24000 and 4000 makes 28000. So there are 18000 Pounds to my Share of the Expences, and 28000 to yours.

[8] After Nic. had bambouzled John a while about the 18000 and the 28000, John call'd for Counters; but what with Slight of Hand, and taking from his own Score and, adding to John's, Nic. brought the Balance always on his own ſide.

Nay, good Friend Nic. though I am not quite ſo nimble in the Fingers, I underſtand Cyphering as well as you: I will produce you my Accompts one by one, fairly writ out of my own Books: And here I be⯑gin with the firſt. You muſt excuſe me if I don't pronounce the Law Terms right.

Then Nic. Frog pull'd his Bill out of his Pocket, and began to read.

Beſides, recollecting, I believe I paid for Diego's Defecit.

As for your Venire facias, I have paid you for one already; in the other, I be⯑lieve you will be Nonſuited: I'll take care of my Nephew my ſelf. Your Coach-hire and Family Charges are moſt unreaſonable Dedu⯑ctions; [11] at that rate, I can bring in any Man in the World my Debtor. But who the Devil are thoſe two Majors that conſume all my Money? I find they always run away with the Ballance in all Accompts.

Two very honeſt Gentlemen, I aſſure you, that have done me ſome Service.

To tell you plainly Major Ab. denotes thy greater Ability, and Major Will thy greater Willingneſs to carry on this Law-ſuit. It was but reaſonable thou ſhouldſt pay both for thy Power and thy Poſitiveneſs.

I believe I ſhall have thoſe two honeſt Majors diſcount on my ſide in a little time.

Why all this Higgling with thy Friend about ſuch a paltry Sum? Does this become the Generoſity of the Noble and Rich John Bull? I wonder thou art not aſham'd. Oh Hocus! Hocus! where art thou, it uſed to go another-gueſs manner in thy time, when a poor Man has almoſt undone himſelf for thy ſake, thou art for fleecing him and fleecing him; is that thy Conſcience John?

Very pleaſant indeed; it is well known thou retains thy Lawyers by the Year, ſo a freſh Law-ſuit adds but little to thy Ex⯑pence, they are thy Cuſtomers, I hardly ever ſell them a Farthings worth of any thing; nay, thou haſt ſet up an Eating-houſe, where the whole Tribe of them ſpend all they can rap or run; if it were well reckon'd, I believe [12] thou gets more of my Money than thou ſpends of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs plead Poverty, own at leaſt that thy Ac⯑compts are falſe.

No marry won't I, I refer my ſelf to theſe honeſt Gentlemen, let them judge between us; let Eſquire South ſpeak his Mind, whither my Accounts are not right, and whi⯑ther we ought not to go on with our Law-ſuit.

Conſult the Butchers about keep⯑ing of Lent. I tell you once for all, John Bull knows where his Shoe pinches, none of your Eſquires ſhall give him the Law, as long as he wears this truſty Weapon by his ſide, or has an inch of broad Cloath in his Shop.

Why there it is, you will be both Judge and Party; I am ſorry thou diſco⯑vereſt ſo much of thy head-ſtrong Humour before theſe ſtrange Gentlemen, I have often told you that it would prove thy Ruin ſome time or another.

John ſaw clearly he ſhould have nothing but wrangling, and that he ſhould have as little Succeſs in ſettling his Accounts as ending the Compoſition: Since they will needs over⯑load my Shoulders (quoth John) I ſhall throw down the Burden with a ſquaſh amongſt them, take it up who dares; a Man has a fine time of it, amongſt a combination of Sharpers, that Vouch for one anothers Honeſty. John look to thy ſelf, Old Lewis makes reaſonable [13] Offers, when thou haſt ſpent the ſmall Pit⯑tance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious Figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Eſquire South's Generoſity and Gratitude, if they uſe thee thus, when they want thee, what will they do when thou wants them? I ſay again, John look to thy ſelf?

John wiſely ſtiffled his Reſentments, and told the Company that in a little time he ſhould give them Law, or ſomething better.

Law! Law! Sir, by all means, what is Twenty Two poor Years towards the fi⯑niſhing a Law-ſuit? For the Love of God more Law, Sir!

Prepare your Demands, how ma⯑many Years more of Law you want, that I may order my Affairs accordingly. In the mean while farewel.

CHAP. III.

NIc. Frog. who thought of nothing but carrying John to the Market, and there diſpoſing of him as his own proper Goods, was mad to find that John thought himſelf now of Age to look afer his own Affairs: He reſolv'd to traverſe this [14] new Project, and to make him uneaſie in his own Family. He had corrupted or de⯑ſuded moſt of his Servants into the extrava⯑ganteſt Conceits in the World, that their Ma⯑ſter was run mad, and wore a Dagger in one Pocket, and Poiſon in the other; that he had told his Wife and Children to Lewis, diſin⯑herited his Heir, and was going to ſettle his Eſtate upon a Pariſh Boy; that if they did not look after their Maſter, he would do ſome very miſchievous Thing. When John came home he found a more ſurpriſing Scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will ſay was ſomewhat extraordinary.

He call'd his Cook-maid Betty to beſpeak his Dinner, Betty told him, That ſhe beg'd his Pardon; ſhe could not dreſs Dinner till ſhe knew what he intended to do with his Will. Why Betty, Forſooth (quoth John) thou art not run mad art thou? My Will at preſent is to have Din⯑ner: That may be (quoth Betty) but my Con⯑ſcience won't allow me to dreſs it, till I know whither you intend to do righteous Things by your Heir? I am ſorry for that Betty (quoth John) I muſt find ſome body elſe then. Then he call'd John the Barber. Before I begin (quoth John) I hope your Honour won't be offended, if I ask you whither you intend to after your Will? If you won't give me a po⯑ſitive Anſwer, your Beard may grow down to your Middle, for me. I gad and ſo it ſhall (quoth Bull) for I will never truſt my Throat [15] in ſuch a mad Fellows Hands. Where's Dick the Butler? Look ye (quoth Dick) I am very willing to ſerve you in my Calling, d'ye ſee, but there are ſtrange Reports, and plain-deal⯑ing is beſt, d'ye ſee. I muſt be ſatisfied if you intend to leave all to your Nephew, and if Nic. Frog is ſtill your Executor, d'ye ſee; if you will not ſatisfie me as to theſe Points, d'ye ſee, you may drink with the Ducks: And ſo I will (quoth John) rather than keep a But⯑ler that loves my Heir better than my ſelf. Hob the Shoemaker, and Pricket the Taylor told him, they would moſt willingly ſerve him in their ſeveral Stations, if he would pro⯑miſe them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let Nicolas Frog, Linnen-draper, manage his Concerns; that they could neither make Shoes nor Cloaths to any that were not in good Correſpondence with their worthy Friend Nicolas.

Call Andrew my Journey-Man: How goes Affairs, Andrew? I hope the Devil has not taken Poſſeſſion of thy Body too.

No, Sir, I only deſire to know what you would do if you were dead?

Juſt as other dead Folks do, Andrew. This is Amazing

I mean if your Nephew ſhall in⯑herit your Eſtate?

That depends upon himſelf. I ſhall do nothing to hinder him.

But will you make it ſure?

Thou mean'ſt, that I ſhould put him in Poſſeſſion, for I can make it no ſurer without that, he has all the Law can give him.

Indeed Poſſeſſion, as you ſay, would make it much ſurer; they ſay, it is eleven points of the Law.

John began now to think that they were all enchanted; he enquires about the Age of the Moon, if Nic had not given them ſome intoxicating Potion, or if old Mother Jeniſa was not ſtill alive. No, o'my faith (quoth Harry) I believe there is no Potion in the Caſe, but a little Aurum Potabile. You will have more of this by and by. He had ſcarce ſpoke the Word, when of a ſudden Don Diego, follow'd by a great Multitude of his Tenants and Work-men, came ruſhing into the Room.

Since thoſe worthy Perſons, who are as much concern'd for your Safety as I am, have employ'd me as their Orator, I deſire to know whither you will have it by way of Syllogiſm, Enthymem, Dilemma or Sorites.

John now began to be diverted with their Extravagance.

Let's have a Sorites by all means, tho' they are all new to me.

It is evident to all that are ver⯑ſed in Hiſtory, that there were two Siſters that play'd the Whore, two thouſand Years ago: Therefore it plainly follows, that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner [17] of Entercourſe with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of Entercourſe (Correſpondence, if you will, that is much the ſame thing) then a Fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the ſaid John to make over his Wife and Children to the ſaid Lewis; if his Wife and Children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a Dagger and Ratsbane in his Pockets; if he wears a Dagger and Ratsbane, it muſt be to do Miſ⯑chief to himſelf or ſome body elſe; if he in⯑tends to do Miſchief, he ought to be under Guardians, and there is none ſo fit as my ſelf and ſome other worthy Perſons, who have a Commiſſion for that purpoſe from Nic. Frog, the Executor of his Will and Te⯑ſtament.

And this is your Sorites, you ſay; with that he ſnatch'd a good tough Oaken Cudgel, and began to brandiſh it; then hap⯑py was the Man that was firſt at the Door; crouding to get out, they tumbled down Stairs, and it is credibly reported ſome of them drop'd very valuable Things in the hurry, which were pick'd up by others of the Family.

That any of theſe Rogues (quoth John) ſhould imagine I am not as much concern'd as they about having my Affairs in a ſettled Condition, or that I would wrong my Heir for I know not what. Well Nic. I really can⯑not but applaud thy Diligence, I muſt own [18] this is really a pretty ſort of a Trick, but it ſhan't do thy Buſineſs for all that.

CHAP. IV.

I Think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the Reader, that this Chapter was not wrote by Sir Humphry himſelf, but by another very able Pen of the Univerſity of Grubſtreet.

John had (by ſome good Inſtructions that was given him by Sir Roger) got the better of his Cholerick Temper, and wrought himſelf up to a great ſteadineſs of Mind, to purſue his own Intereſt through all Impediments that were thrown in the way; he began to leave off ſome of his old Aquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the Streets; he put on a ſe⯑rious Air, knit his Brows, and for the time had made a very conſiderable progreſs in Po⯑liticks, conſidering that he had been kept a ſtranger to his own Affairs. However, he could not help diſcovering ſome remains of his Nature, when he happen'd to meet with a Foot-Ball, or a Match at Cricket; for which Sir Roger was ſure to take him to task. John was walking about his Room with folded Arms, and a moſt thoughtful Countenance, his Servant brought him Word that one Lewis [19] Baboon below wanted to ſpeak with him. John had got an Impreſſion that Lewis was ſo deadly a cunning Man, that he was afraid to venture himſelf alone with him: At laſt he took heart of Grace. Let him come up (quoth he) it is but ſticking to my Point, and he can never over-reach me.

Monſieur Bull I will frankly acknowledge, that my Behaviour to my Neighbours has been ſomewhat uncivil, and I believe you will readily grant me, that I have met with Uſage accordingly. I was fond of Back-ſword and Cudgel play from my Youth, and I now bear in my Body many a black and blue Gaſh and Scars, God knows. I had as good a Ware-houſe, and as fair Poſſeſſions as any of my Neighbours, tho' I ſay it; but a contentious Temper, flattering Servants, and unfortunate Stars, have brought me in⯑to Circumſtances that are not unknown to you. Theſe my Misfortunes are heighten'd by domeſtick Calamities, that I need not re⯑late. I am a poor old batter'd Fellow, and I would willingly end my Days in Peace: But alas, I ſee but ſmall hopes of that, for every new Circumſtance affords an Argument to my Enemies to purſue their Revenge; for⯑merly I was to be bang'd becauſe I was too Strong, and now becauſe I am too Weak to reſiſt, I am to be brought down when too Rich, and oppreſſed when too Poor. Nic. Frog has uſed me like a Scoundrel; You are a [20] Gentleman, and I freely put my ſelf in your Hands, to diſpoſe of me as you think fit.

Look you, Maſter Baboon, as to your Uſage of your Neighbours, you had beſt not dwell too much upon that Chapter; let it ſuffice at preſent that you have been met with, you have been rolling a great Stone up⯑hill all your Life, and at laſt it has come tum⯑bling down till it is like to cruſh you to pieces: Plain-dealing is beſt. If you have any par⯑ticular Mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you Fib, and when you ſpeak Truth, you had beſt tell it me, that one may proceed accordingly; but ſince at preſent I know of none ſuch, it is better that you ſhould truſt me, than that I ſhould truſt you.

I know of no particular Mark of Veracity, amongſt us Tradeſmen, but In⯑tereſt; and it is manifeſtly mine not to deceive you at this time; you may ſafely truſt me, I can aſſure you.

The Truſt I give is in ſhort this, I muſt have ſomething in hand before I make the Bargain, and the reſt before it is con⯑cluded.

To ſhew you I deal fairly, name your Something.

I need not tell thee, old Boy; thou canſt gueſs.

Eccleſdown Caſtle, I'll warrant you, becauſe it has been formerly in your [21] Family! Say no more, you ſhall have it.

I ſhall have it to m'own ſelf?

To thy n'own ſelf.

Every Wall, Gate, Room, and Inch of Eccleſdown Caſtle, you ſay?

Juſt ſo.

Every ſingle Stone of Eccleſdown Caſtle, to m'own ſelf, ſpeedily!

When you pleaſe, what needs more Words?

But tell me, old Boy, haſt thou laid aſide all thy Equivocals and Mentals in this caſe?

There is nothing like Matter of Fact; Seeing is Believing.

Now thou talk'ſt to the purpoſe; let us ſhake Hands, old Boy. Let me ask thee one Queſtion more, What haſt thou to do to meddle with the Affairs of my Family? To diſpoſe of my Eſtate, old Boy?

Juſt as much as you have to do with the Affairs of Lord Strut.

Ay, but my Trade, my very Be⯑ing, was concern'd in that.

And my Intereſt was concern'd in the other: but let us drop both our Pre⯑tences; for I believe it is a moot point, whe⯑ther I am more likely to make a Maſter Bull, or you a Lord Strut.

Agreed, old Boy; but then I muſt have Security that I ſhall carry my Broad⯑cloth to Market, old Boy.

That you ſhall: Eccleſdown Caſtle! Eccleſdown! Remember that: Why would'ſt thou not take it when it was offer'd thee ſome Years ago?

I would not take it, becauſe they told me thou would'ſt not give it me.

How could Monſieur Bull be ſo groſly abuſed by downright Nonſenſe? They that adviſed you to refuſe, muſt have belie⯑ved I intended to give, elſe why would they not make the Experiment? But I can tell you more of that Matter than perhaps you know at preſent.

But what ſay'ſt thou as to the Eſquire, Nic. Frog, and the reſt of the Tradeſ⯑men? I muſt take care of them.

Thou haſt but ſmall Obligations to Nic, to my certain Knowledge: He has not us'd me like a Gentleman.

Nic, indeed, is not very nice in your Punctilio's of Ceremony; he is Clowniſh, as a Man may ſay; Belching and Calling of Names have been allow'd him time out of mind, by Preſcription: but however, we are engag'd in one Common Cauſe, and I muſt look after him.

All Matters that relate to him, and the reſt of the Plantiffs in this Law-Suit, I will refer to your Juſtice.

CHAP. V.

NIC. perceiv'd now that his Cully had elop'd, that John intended henceforth to deal without a Broker; but he was reſolv'd to leave no Stone unturn'd to recover his Bub⯑ble: Amongſt other Artifices, he wrote a moſt obliging Letter, which he ſent him Printed in a fair Character.

John receiv'd this with a good deal of Sang froid; Tranſeat (quoth John) cum caeteris erroribus: He was now at his Eaſe; he ſaw he could now make a very good Bargain for himſelf, and a very ſafe one for other Folks. My Shirt (quoth he) is near me, but my Skin is nearer: Whilſt I take care of the Welfare of other Folks, no body can blame me, to apply a little Balſam to my own Sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a Man to do his own Buſineſs: a Man has ſuch a tender Concern for himſelf, there's nothing like it. This is ſomewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be ſtanding in the Market, like a great Dray-horſe, with Frog's Paws upon his Head, What will ye give me for this Beaſt? Serviteur Nic. Frog, you may kiſs my Backſide if you pleaſe. Though John Bull has not read your Ariſtotles, Plato's, and Machiavels, he can ſee us far into a Milſtone as another: With that John began to chuckle and laugh, till he was like to burſt his Sides.

CHAP. VI.

JOhn thought every Minute a Year till he got into Eccleſdown Caſtle; he repairs to the Sa⯑lutation, with a Deſign to break the Matter gently to his Partners: Before he enter'd, he overheard Nic. and the Eſquire in a very plea⯑ſant Conference.

Oh the Ingratitude and Injuſtice of Mankind! That John Bull, whom I have honour'd with my Friendſhip and Protection ſo long, ſhould flinch at laſt, and pretend that he can disburſe no more Money for me; that the Family of the Souths, by his ſneaking Tem⯑per, ſhould be kept out of their own.

An't like your Worſhip, I am in amaze at it; I think the Rogue ſhould be compell'd to do his Duty.

That he ſhould prefer his ſcan⯑dalous Pelf, the Duſt and Dregs of the Earth, to the Proſperity and Grandeur of my Fa⯑mily!

Nay, he is miſtaken there too; for, he would quickly lick himſelf whole a⯑gain by his Vails. It's ſtrange he ſhould pre⯑fer Philip Baboon's Cuſtom to Eſq South's.

As you ſay, that my Clothier, that is to get ſo much by the Purchaſe, ſhould refuſe to put me in Poſſeſſion; did you ever know any Man's Tradeſman ſerve him ſo before?

No, indeed, an't pleaſe your Worſhip, it is a very unuſual Proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the World. If your Honour had not a great Stock of Moderation and Patience, you would not bear it ſo well as you do.

It is moſt intolerable, that's certain Nic. and I will be reveng'd.

Methinks it is ſtrange, that Phi⯑lip Baboon's Tenants do not all take your Ho⯑nour's part, conſidering how good and gentle a Maſter you are.

True, Nic. but few are ſenſible of Merit in this World: It is a great Com⯑fort, to have ſo faithful a Friend as thy ſelf in ſo critical a Juncture.

If all the World ſhould forſake you, be aſſur'd Nic. Frog never will; let us ſtick to our Point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll warrant ye.

Let me kiſs thee, dear Nic. I have found one honeſt Man amongſt a thou⯑ſand at laſt.

If it were poſſible, your Honour has it in your Power to wed me ſtill cloſer to your Intereſt.

Tell me quickly, dear Nic.

You know I am your Tenant; the Difference between my Leaſe and an Inhe⯑ritance is ſuch a Trifle, as I am ſure you will not grudge your poor Friend, that will be an Encouragement to go on; beſides, it will make Bull as mad as the Devil: You and I ſhall be able to manage him then to ſome purpoſe.

Say no more, it ſhall be done Nic. to thy Heart's Content.

John, all this while, was liſtening to this comical Dialogue, and laugh'd heartily in his Sleeve, at the Pride and Simplicity of the Eſquire, and the ſly Roguery of his Friend Nic. Then of a ſudden bolting into the Room, he began to tell them, that he believ'd he had brought Lewis to reaſonable Terms, if they would pleaſe to hear them.

Then they all bawl'd out aloud, No Com⯑poſition, Long live Eſquire South and the Law! As John was going to proceed, ſome roar'd, ſome ſtamp'd with their Feet, others ſtop'd their Ears with their Fingers.

Nay, Gentlemen (quoth John) if you will but ſtop proceeding for a while, you ſhall judge your ſelves whether Lewis's Propoſals are reaſonable.

Very fine indeed, ſtop proceeding, and ſo loſe a Term.

Not ſo neither, we have ſomething by way of Advance, he will put us in Poſſeſ⯑ſion of his Mannor and Caſtle of Eccleſdoun.

What doſt talk of us, thou mean'ſt thy ſelf?

When Frog took Poſſeſſion of any thing, it was always ſaid to be for Ʋs, and why may not John Bull be Ʋs, as well as Nic. Frog was Ʋs? I hope John Bull is no more con⯑fin'd to Singularity than Nic. Frog; or take it ſo, the conſtant Doctrine that thou haſt preach'd up for many Years, was that Thou and I are One; and why muſt we be ſup⯑poſed Two in this Caſe, that were always One before? It's impoſſible that Thou and I can fall out Nic. we muſt truſt one another: I have truſted thee with a great many things, prithee truſt me with this one Trifle.

That Principle is true in the main; but there is ſome Speciality in this Caſe, that makes it highly inconvenient for us both.

Thoſe are your Jealouſies, that the common Enemies ſow between us; how of⯑ten haſt thou warn'd me of thoſe Rogues, Nic. that would make us miſtruſtful of one another?

This Eccleſdoun-Caſtle is only a Bone of Contention.

It depends upon you to make it ſo, for my part I am as peaceable as a Lamb.

But do you conſider the un⯑wholeſomneſs of the Air and Soil, the Expen⯑ces of Reparations and Servants, I would ſcorn to accept of ſuch a Quag-mire.

You are a great Man, Nic. but in my Circumſtances, I muſt be e'en content to take it as it is.

And you are really ſo ſilly, as to believe the old cheating Rogue will give it you.

I believe nothing-but Matter of Fact, I ſtand and fall by that, I am reſolv'd to put him to it.

And ſo relinquiſh the hopefuleſt Cauſe in the World, a Claim that will cer⯑tainly in the End, make thy Fortune for ever.

Wilt thou purchaſe it Nic? thou ſhalt have a lumping Pennyworth; nay, ra⯑ther than we ſhould differ, I'll give thee fomething to take it off my Hands.

If thou would'ſt but moderate that haſty impatient Temper of thine, thou ſhould'ſt quickly ſee a better thing than all that: What ſhould'ſt thou think to find old Lewis turn'd out of his paternal Eſtates and Manſion-houſe of Clay-Pool? Would not that do thy Heart good to ſee thy old Friend Nic. Frog Lord of Clay Pool? Then thou and thy Wife and Children ſhall walk in my Gar⯑dens, buy Toys, drink Lemonade, and now and then we ſhould have a Country-dance.

I love to be plain, I'd as lieve ſee my ſelf in Eccleſdoun-Caſtle, as thee in Clay-Pool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a [31] Pledge of his Sincerity, if you won't ſtop proceeding to hear him, I will.

CHAP. VII.

WHEN Nic. could not diſwade John by Argument, he try'd to move his Pity, he pretended to be ſick and like to dye, that he ſhould leave his Wife and Children in a ſtarving Condition, if John did abandon him; that he was hardly able to craul about the Room, far leſs capable to look after ſuch a troubleſome Buſineſs as this Law-ſuit, and therefore begg'd that his good Friend would not leave him. When he ſaw that John was ſtill inexorable, he pull'd out a Caſe-Knife, with which he uſed to Sneaker-ſnee, and threaten'd to cut his own Throat. ‘"Thrice he aim'd the Knife to his Wind pipe with a moſt determin'd threatning Air. What ſignifies Liſe (quoth he) in this languiſhing Condition, it will be ſome Pleaſure that my Friends will revenge my Death upon this barbarous Man, that has been the Cauſe of it?’ All this while John look'd Se⯑date and Calm, neither offering in the leaſt to ſnatch the Knife, nor ſtop his Blow, truſting to the Tenderneſs Nic. had for his own Per⯑ſon: [32] When he perceiv'd that John was im⯑moveable in his Purpoſe, he apply'd himſelf to Lewis.

Art thou (quoth he) turn'd Bubble in thy Old Age, from being a Sharper in thy Youth? what occaſion haſt thou to give up Eccleſ⯑doun-Caſtle to John Bull? his Friendſhip is not worth a Ruſh, give it me and I'll make it worth the while. If thou diſlikeſt that Propo⯑ſition, keep it thy ſelf, I'd rather thou ſhould⯑eſt have it than he. If thou hearkens not to my Advice, take what follows; Eſquire South and I will go on with our Law-ſuit in ſpite of John Bull's Teeth.

Monſieur Bull has uſed me like a Gentleman, and I am reſolv'd to make good my Promiſe, and truſt him for the Confe⯑quences.

Then I tell thee thou art an old doating Fool. With that Nic bounc'd up with a Spring equal to that of one of your nim⯑bleſt Tumblers or Rope dancers, falls foul upon John Bull to ſnatch the Cudgel he had in his Hand, that he might Thwack Lewis with it. John held it faſt, ſo that there was no wrenching it from him. At laſt Eſquire South buckl'd to, to aſſiſt his Friend Nic. John hall'd on one ſide, and they two on the other; ſometimes they were like to pull John over; then it went, all of a ſudden again, on John's ſide, ſo they went ſee-ſawing up and down, from one End of the Room to the [33] other: Down tumbl'd the Tables, Bottles, Glaſſēs, and Tobacco Pipes: The Wine and the Tobacco were all ſpilt about the Room, and the little Fellows were almoſt trod un⯑der Foot, 'till more of the Tradeſmen joyn⯑ing with Nic. and the Eſquire, John was hardly able to pull againſt them all, yet he never quit hold of his truſty Cudgel; which by the contranitent Force of two ſo great Powers, broke ſhort in his Hands. Nic. ſeiz'd the longer end, and with it began to Baſtinado Old Lewis, who had ſlunk into a Corner, waiting the Event of this Squabble. Nic came up to him with an inſolent mena⯑cing Air, ſo that the old Fellow was forc'd to skuttle out of the Room, and retire be⯑hind a Dung-cart: He call'd to Nic, thou inſolent Jackanapes, time was when thou durſt not have uſed me ſo, thou now takeſt me unprovided, but old and infirm as I am, I ſhall find a Weapon by and by to chaſtiſe thy Impudence.

When John Bull had recover'd his Breath, he began to parly with Nic. Friend Nic, I am glad to find thee ſo ſtrong after thy great Com⯑plaints; really thy Motions Nic. are pretty Vigo⯑rous for a conſumptive Man. As for thy world⯑ly Affairs Nic, if it can do thee any Service, I freely make over to thee this profitable Law-ſuit; and I deſire all theſe Gentlemen to bear witneſs to this my Act and Deed, yours be all the Gain, as mine has been the [34] Charges, I have brought it to bear finely: However, all I have laid out upon it goes for nothing, thou ſhalt have it with all its Appurtenances, I ask nothing but leave to go home.

The Counſel are fee'd, and all Things prepared for a Tryal, thou ſhalt be forced to ſtand the Iſſue: It ſhall be plead⯑ed in thy Name as well as mine: Go home if thou can'ſt, the Gates are ſhut, the Turn⯑pikes locked, and the Roads barracado'd.

Even theſe very ways Nic that thou toldeſt me, were as open to me as thy ſelf? If I can't paſs with my own Equipage, what can I expect for my Goods and Wag⯑gons? I am deny'd Paſſage through thoſe ve⯑ry Grounds that I have purchaſed with my own Money; however, I am glad I have made the Experiment, it may ſerve me in ſome ſtead.

John Bull was ſo over-joy'd that he was going to take Poſſeſſion of Eccleſdoun, that nothing could vex him. Nic (quoth he) I am juſt a going to leave thee, caſt a kind look upon me at parting.

Nic look'd ſower and grum, and would not open his Mouth.

I wiſh thee all the Succeſs that thy Heart can deſire, and that theſe honeſt Gentle⯑men of the long Robe may have their Belly full of Law.

[35] Nic could ſtand it no longer, but flung out of the Room with diſdain, and beckon'd the Lawyers to follow him.

Buy, buy Nic, not one poor Smile at parting, won't you ſhake your day-day, Nic? Buy Nic: With that John march'd out of the common Road croſs the Country, to take Poſ⯑ſeſſion of Eccleſdoun.

CHAP. VIII.

WHEN John had got into his Caſtle, he ſeem'd like Ʋlyſſes upon his Plank after he had been well ſous'd in Salt-water; who (as Homer ſays) was as glad as a Judge go⯑ing to ſit down to Dinner, after hearing a long Cauſe upon the Bench. I dare ſay John Bull's Joy was equal to that of either of the two; he skip'd from Room to Room; ran up Stairs and down Stairs, from the Kitchen to the Garrets, and from the Garrets to the Kitchen; he peep'd into every Crany; ſome⯑times he admired the Beauty of the Archi⯑tecture, and the vaſt Solidity of the Maſons Work; at other times he commended the Sy⯑metry and Proportion of the Rooms. He walk'd [36] about the Gardens; he Bath'd himſelf in the Canal, ſwimming, diving, and beating the li⯑quid Element, like a milk-white Swan. The Hall reſounded with the ſprightly Violin and the martial Hautboy. The Family trip'd it about and Caper'd like Hail-ſtones bounding from a Marble Floor: Wine, Ale and October flew about as plentifully as Kennel-Water; then a Frolick took John in the Head to call up ſome of Nic Frog's Penſioners that had been ſo mutinous in his Family.

Are you glad to ſee your Maſter in Eccleſdoun-Caſtle?

Yes indeed, Sir.

Extremely glad?

Extremely glad, Sir.

Swear to me that you are ſo.

Then they began to damn and ſink their Souls to the loweſt Pit of Hell, if any Perſon in the World rejoyc'd more than they did.

Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of perjur'd Raſeals; howe⯑ver take this Bumper of October to your Ma⯑ſter's Health.

Then John got upon the Battlements, and looking over he call'd to Nic Frog.

How d'ye do Nic? D'ye ſee where I am Nic? I hope the Cauſe goes on ſwimmingly Nic; when doſt thou intend to go to Clay-Pool, Nic? Wilt thou buy there ſome High-Heads of the neweſt Cut for my Daughters? How comeſt thou to go with thy Arm ty'd [37] up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap over the Finger-ends? Thy Weapon was a good one when I weilded it, but the Butt-end remains in my Hands. I am ſo buſy in packing up my Goods, that I have no time to talk with thee any longer: It would do thy Heart good to ſee what Waggon Loads I am prepa⯑ring for Market; if thou wanteſt any good Office of mine, for all that has happen'd, I will uſe thee well Nic; buy Nic.