Respect to Age.

In the Panathenaea, (a course of solemn games at Athens) an old Athenian came late to the theatre, and found it difficult to procure a seat. The audience even made a jest of him, calling to him Here is room; and sitting close when he came fo the spot, so as always to reject him. The old man, being in great distress, not only with toiling along, but with being made a public laughing stock, at length came to the seats of the Spartans, who, all rising to a man, gave him the best place among them. At this, the whole theatre resounded with shouts of applause; and the old Athenian rising up, exclaimed, "the Athenians know what is right, but the Spartans practise it."

Irish Bull.

When the Irish peasants come over to work at the harvest, the general salutation between them and their acquaintances when they land is—"Ah, Paddy, I am glad to see you on the other side of the water."

Habit of Swearing.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "He was clothed with curses as with a garment." "My good friend," said the Minister, "it means that he had got a habit of swearing"

Tax on Windows.

Two gentleman passing by some new houses in London, one of them observed that there were too few windows, but by saving the tax it would be good for the liver. "True," says the other, "but damned bad for the lights."

A Method of clearing Justice.

A slave of Omer, the viceroy, ſled from his service, but was retaken, and brought before the king; who, at Omer's instigation, condemned him to death. The slave upon this said, "O king, I am an innocent man; and, if I die by thy com⯑mand, thy blood will be required. Permit me then to incur guilt before I meet my sentence. Let me kill this Omer, my master, and I shall die contented. It is for thy sake only I desire this." The king, laughing at this new mode of clearing his own justice, acquitted the wretch.

A Loan.

A person came to beg the loan of fifty ducats from the schoolmaster of Toledo, founder of the college of St. Catherine, who sent for a purse of reals, and gave them to him. The borrower took them, and put them in his purse without counting them. The schoolmaster observing this, asked [5] for the purse, that he might see there was the sum; but, returning it to the chest, said, "A man that borrows without counting, can never mean to repay."

The Biter Bit.

The son of a country squire was in love with a daughter of a cow-herd; and promised her mar⯑riage, if she would permit him to use a husband's privilege beforehand. She consented. Soon after the squire forced his son to marry a rich heiress. At the celebration of the wedding, the cow-herd's daughter intervening, was not appeased but by pay⯑ment of a round sum. At night the bride asked her husband, "What occasioned the tumult?" who told her the story. "What a foolish girl!" said the bride, "to tell it to the world. My mother's man lay with me when he pleased, for theſe two years, and I never told it; nor should to you, dearest, but that my mother says there should be no secrets between man and wife."

Physician Fee.

A Bath physician visiting a patient who was very ill, used daily to receive his guinea from the gentleman's sister, She happening to be out of the way at the last visit, when the patient was in the very jaws of death, he (almost unable to speak) desired the Doctor to put his hand in his pocket, and take out a guinea. "But, my friend," said the Doctor, by way of a good thing, "would not that be rather like picking your pocket?"—"Very like it indeed!" said the dying man.

Epigram.

Wit.

In a private conversation, the late Earl of Chatham asked Dr. Henniker, among other ques⯑tions, how he defined wit? The doctor replied, "My lord, wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant—a good thing well applied."

Spectacles.

Moses.

A boy being catechized was asked who was the wickedest man—he answered, Moses. "Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how could that be?"—"Why," said the boy, "he broke all the command⯑ments at once."

Genealogy.

A Scotch gentleman has written a genealogical account of his family for upwards of twelve thousand years. Towards the middle of it there is a N. B. About this time the world was created!

A native of one of the Hebrides being joked about the smallness of his island, the most cen⯑trical place not being four miles from the sea, an Irishman in company joined in the laugh, exult⯑ingly [8] swearing, That no part of Old Ireland was half so near it!

Member for BARK-shire.

A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be opening one of his budgets.—His lordship pleasantly inquired by what new Oppositionist he was attacked? A wag replied, "It was the new member for Bark-shire."

Bon Mot.

During the institution of a society in Liverpool, for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentle⯑man of strong body, but of slender wit, applied to be admitted a member: "I think," said he, to the president, "I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly a great man, in the literal sense of the word;"—"True," replied the other, "but I am afraid you are only a little man in the literary sense of the word."

The Man of Genius.

A young gentleman at the University of Cam⯑bridge, who was know to have a very pretty talent for making verses, having one day found the "furor scribendi" particularly urgent, retired into his own apartment, to indulge himself in his favorite occu⯑pation. The weather was uncommonly sultry, and as the warmth of his imagination corresponded with the fervor without, his poetry could not fail to be uncommonly glowing. He accordingly began as follows:

[9] He had proceeded thus far, when Phoebus, whose beams are sometimes found to inspire sleep as well as genius, exerted the former power upon him with such effect, that in a few minutes he sunk back motionless in his chair. A fellow collegian coming into the room while the poet was in this situation, and seeing from the paper which was laying before him, the nature of his employment, he immediately added two other lines to the above, in order to complete the verse. The man of genius, awaking soon after, to his utter astonishment and confusion read as follows:

The Medicine Chest.

Curious Explanation of M.D. F.R.S.

The keeper of a paltry alehouse had on his sign, after his name, the letters, M.D. F.R.S. A Physician, who was moreover a Fellow of the Royal Society, asked him how he presumed to affix these letters to his name. "Indeed, Sir," said he, "I have as good a right to them as you have."—"What do you mean, you impudent scoundrel?" replied the doctor. "I mean," returned the other, "that I am Drum-Major of the Royal Scots Fuzileers."

A Dialogue.

Do you not see those men upon the heath?—a strange, sour looking gang, with a parson at their head.

I think I do; but I am somewhat near-sighted.

There have been many robberies com⯑mitted on this heath formerly,

So I am told.

You heard of the terrible fire last night over the river at Gaulstown?

I did.

A most shocking fact—supposed to have been set on fire by the gypsies. There was horrid plundering and murdering; and several wo⯑men and children ſound roasted in the rubbish.

Indeed!

Those people must be the very gypsies.

They are coming this way, sure enough.

Highwaymen of the worst sort! You had better be upon your guard. Housebreakers, [11] footpads, pickpockets, fortunetellers, all in one! There are several foreign ruffians come over lately to join them.

I have a deal of property about me.

The soldiers are very near; we had better see them to stand by us.

Aye, do, do.

Really, Sir, there is no danger.

No danger, wretch! I suppose you are in league with the rogues. Precaution is always prudence.

Let me take charge of your watch, Sir.—Give me your gold, Sir.—I'll keep your pocket-book—these bank notes are better destroyed, Sir.—Will you not take out your buckles too?

You are really very kind, gentlemen—but now I begin to see the men plainer, I think I know them: O yes, perfectly. They are only the people that come from the Dipper's meeting. You may return me my property, gentlemen.

That, Sir, is impossible; 'tis all dis⯑posed of.

Disposed of! how disposed of? I might as well have given it to those poor fellows. 'Tis all one to me whom I am robbed by.

True, Sir; but it is not all one to us.

Prince Ferdinand reproved by a Watchmaker.

Prince Ferdinand took great pleasure in visiting the shop of an ingenious watchmaker, at Geneva, and passed there many hours. One day, he found written over the chimney-piece, in large characters—"The hours of the industrious are lost by the in⯑trusions [12] of the idle." Conceiving immediately that this sarcasm was levelled at him, he thought it proper to apologize for his intrusions, and to assure the artizan, that, if he had made him spend his time unprofitably, he would willingly make him any recompence. To this the watch⯑maker said, "Sir, I assure you, in putting up this I had no such intention as you suppose; the time which your Highness passes in my shop is to me a great pleasure, and I consider myself very highly honoured by your visits; but at the same time, I shall tell you very candidly, that your Highness has been the occasion of this hint." The astonish⯑ed prince having desired the watchmaker to ex⯑plain himself, he said, that while his Highness was engaged in the campaign, he lost half of his time by people coming into the shop to announce his victories.

The Two Dreamers.

It is a custom among the Canadean Indians, that when one dreams that another has rendered him any service the person dreamed of thinks it a duty to fulfill the dream if possible. A chief one morning came to the governor, Sir William John⯑son, and told him that he had last night dreamed that Sir William had made him a present of the suit of regimentals he wore. The governor readily presented them to him; but as the Indian was go⯑ing out, "Stop," said he, "I had almost forgot, but I dreamed of you last night; I dreamed that you gave me such a tract of land," describing a large tract.—"You shall have it," said he; "but if you please, Sir William, we will not dream any more."

Elegant Compliment.

A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and the Empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer an⯑swered, with great gallantry, "Madam, I thought so yesterday."

Angel's Face.

Appendix to the Life of Jack the Giant-Killer.

When that distinguished duelist G. R. Fitzgerald was in Paris, the English ambassador introduced him to the French king: prior to which introduc⯑tion the ambassador informed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentleman of such amazing prowess, that he fought thirty duels, and behaved equally brave and honourable in all of them. "Then I think," says the king with a smile, "this gentle⯑man's life would make an admirable appendix to your renowned countryman's history, JACK THE GIANT-KILLER."

How do you do?

At the assize of Gaernarvon, where Judge Bar⯑rington presided, a simple Welchman was tried for some petty offence. The judge, in an austere man⯑ner, asked him, "What are you?" To which the culprit replied in his shire manner, "My Lord, I was sell ale by the pound!" "Eh," says the judge, not hearing him distinctly, "How do you, my friend?"—"Pretty well, I thank your lordship, I hope you are well," replied the rustic, with such a simplicity in his manner, that threw the court into a fit of laughter that lasted a quarter of an [15] hour. His lordship was as merry as the rest, and leaned to his case in such a manner that he was acquitted.

Chatterton the Poet.

An old gentleman that possessed a great respect for men of uncommon literary talents, and who frequently conversed with Chatterton, at the Cyder cellar in Maiden-lane, gave a loose to his good na⯑ture one evening, and requested the pleasure of the poet's company to supper at his house.

When the cloth was removed, some very sour wine was placed on the table, which the generous old gentleman praised extravagantly as he was filling Chatterton's glass, requesting him at the same time to drink a bumper to the memory of Shakespeare.—The inspired youth had not finished his glass when tears stood trembling in his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks. "God bless me!" says the old gentleman, "You are in tears Mr. Chatterton." "Yes, Sir," says the bard, "this dead wine of your's compels me to shed tears, but by H [...]n they are not the tears of veneration!"

The White Mice.

Those in the least acquainted with the character of Dr. Goldsmith, know that oeconomy and fore⯑sight were not amongst the catalogue of his virtues. In the suit of his pensioners (and he generally en⯑larged the list as he enlarged his finances) was the late unfortunate John Pilkington, of scribbling me⯑mory, who had served the doctor so many tricks, that he despaired of getting any more money from him, without coming out with a chef-d'oeuvre once for all. He accordingly called on the doctor one [16] morning, and running about the room in a ſit of joy, told him his fortune was made! "How so, Jack?" says the doctor. "Why," says Jack, "the Duchess of Marlborough, you must know, has long had a strange penchant for a pair of white mice; and as I knew they were sometimes to be had in the East-Indies, I commissioned a friend of mine, who was going out then, to get them for me, and he this morning arrived with two of the most beautiful little animals in nature." After Jack had finished this account with a transport of joy, he lengthened his visage, by telling the doctor all was ruined, for without two guineas to buy a cage for the mice, he could not present them. The doctor, unfortunately, as he said himself, had but half a guinea in the world, which he offered to lend him. But Pilkington was not to be beat out of his scheme; he perceived the doctor's watch hanging up in his room, and, after premising on the indelicacy of the proposal, hinted, that "if he could spare that watch for a week, he could raise a few guineas on it, which he would pay him with gratitude. The doctor would not be the means of spoiling a man's fortune for such a trifle. He accordingly took down the watch, and gave it to him; which Jack immediately took to the pawnbroker's, raised what he could on it, and never once looked after the doctor, till he sent to borrow another half guinea from him on his death bed, which the doctor very generously sent him.

Comedy.

Mr. R [...]s, a dramatic author, on presenting a comedy to one of the theatres, assured the ma⯑nager, that it was a production by no means to be laughed at.

A Hog the only Gentleman.

Dr. Franklin, when last in England, used plea⯑santly to repeat an observation of his negro ser⯑vant, when the doctor was making the tour of Derbyshire, Lancashire, &c—"Every thing, massa, work in this country, water work, wind work, fire work, smoke work, dog work, [he had before no⯑ticed the last at Bath] man work, bullock work, horse work, ass work: every thing work here but the hog! he eat, he drink, he sleep, he do nothing all day! the hog be the only gentleman in England."

Remarkable Bravery.

A fellow hearing the drums beat up for vo⯑lunteers to go in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, what exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the enemy's legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head: Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut off before.

Epigram.

A Detection.

A clever young fellow being at dinner at a friend's house, and observing one of the company [18] slily pocket a table spoon, let it pass till he pre⯑pared to take his leave; and then marching up to the sideboard, took one and put it through his button-hole. Upon being asked his motive for so curious a manoeuvre, he replied, "I saw my neighbour here at dinner put a spoon in his pocket: and, supposing it was a customary thing at this house, I preferred taking mine away in my button-hole."

It should have been mentioned first, that the same gentleman, during dinner, having observed that the top dish of fish was not quite so fresh as might have been wished, took one, and put it to his mouth, and then to his ear. The lady of the house having asked him the reason, he answered, "I had a brother who was shipwrecked the day before yesterday, so was asking if the fish could give any information concerning his body, to which it replied, it knew nothing of the transac⯑tion, not having been at sea these three weeks."

A Pillory Conversation.

An English and a French gentleman had a dis⯑pute which nation most excelled in wit. The English gentleman insisted that it was common here among the very mob; and to convince the other of the English superiority, he carried him to Charing-cross, where a man stood in the pillory for keeping a disorderly house. The populace looking on it as an inconsiderable offence, they did not throw any thing at, or ill-treat him, as is usual for crimes of a different nature; therefore the fel⯑low was quite easy and unconcerned, and lifted the upper part of the pillory, sometimes higher, and then let it lower again, just to suit himself. [19] Upon which, one of the spectators, who stood there with a load upon his head, seeing the offender so dexterous, said, "It is my opinion this fellow has served his time to the pillory, he is so handy about it." To which a droll rogue in a leather apron replied, "Served his time to it! You may be sure he has; do you not see that he has set up for himself?" "Set up!" said another, "how can that be set up, when he stands?" "Why you foolish dog," rejoined the second who spoke, "do you not know it is a standing business?" And now a fellow in a woollen cap calls out to the man in the pillory, "Harkee, cocky," said he, "had you not rather the jokes should fly about than the rotten eggs?" "Aye, sure, master," replies the man, "though it was on account of some sort of jokes I got my head into this hole." At this time a barrow woman added one more to the assembly; when a porter accosts her with, "Well, Moll, what brought you here?" To which she returned, "Curiosity, and my legs, Jack; now I hope the fool's answered." "Fool!" says the fellow, "what do you mean by that, you slut?" "Why," re⯑joined she, "you must be a fool because you can neither read nor write." "Very true," answered the porter, "but I can set my mark;" and imme⯑diately striking her in the face, gave her a black eye: this brought on a battle between the porter and a man who took the woman's part; when the Frenchman, seeing the English fight like bull-dogs, said, "The English shine in war as well as wit."

A Pot I carry.

There was a notable fat apothecary revolling at a tavern in Fleet-street; and, when his comrades [20] had given him his load, they sought for one to carry him home. A porter was found, to convey him in a basket. He got him up with much trouble, and coming to Temple-bar, the gates were shut, for it was twelve at night. The porter knocks, the keeper comes, and desires to know his business. The porter answers, "A thing of great weight." Upon seeing the basket, the keeper asked what was in it, the porter answered, "A Pot I carry."

A Pair of Spectacles.

Two brothers coming once to be executed for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned of first, without speaking one word; the other, mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, ex⯑pecting some confession of importance. "Good people," says he, "my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles."

The Watch.

Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man that had stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at ten-pence; upon which, the prosecutor cries out, "Ten-pence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds." "Oh," says his lordship, "we must not hang a man for fashion's sake."

Heraldry.

Mr. Quick happened to be in company with a gentleman whose father was a footman, when he⯑raldry became the subject of conversation: the gentleman observed, "he had seen his arms on a [21] baronet's carriage of his name, and they must be related." "No doubt," said the wit, "your fa⯑mily, Sir, is pretty extensive: your father's arms must have been upon many carriages."

No distinction at the Gallows.

A highwayman and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same day at Tyburn, the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. The highwayman was dressed in scarlet, and mounted the cart with alacrity; the chimney-sweeper followed him slowly. While the clergyman was praying with fervour, the gay robber was attentive; and the other ap⯑proached near to his fellow-sufferer to partake of the same benefit, but met with a repulsive look from his companion, which kept him at some dis⯑tance. But forgetting this angry warning, he pre⯑sumed still to come nearer; when the highwayman, with some disdain, said, "Keep farther off, can't you?"—"Sir," replied sweep, "I won't keep off; and let me tell you, I have as much right to be here as you."

May-Day.

The London Advertisement-makers out-done.

A provincial attorney lately advertised an estate for sale, or to be exchanged for another, in the following terms: "That he is appointed plenipoten⯑tiary to treat in this business; that he has ample credentials, and is prepared to ratify his powers; that he will enter in preliminaries, either upon the principle of the status quo, or uti posidetis; that he is ready to receive the projet of any person desirous to make the purchase or exchange, and to deliver his contre-projet and sine qua non, and indeed at once to give his ultimatum!—assuring the public, that as soon as the definitive treaty shall be con⯑cluded, it will be ratified by his constituents, and duly guaranteed."

The Cranes.

Messier Currado, of Naples, had a servant named Chinchillo, who one night, to treat his mis⯑tress, cut off the leg of a crane which was roasting for his master's supper, who thereupon asked him what was become of the crane's other leg. Chin⯑chillo immediately swore that cranes had but one leg. The next morning, as he was riding behind his master, he made him, in order to convince him he was right, observed serveral cranes at roost upon [23] one leg; but his master shouting, they put down the other leg; whereupon Chinchillo perceiving that his master was angry, cried out, "How lucky it was that you did not shout last night, for your crane would have put down the other leg, and have flown away as these did, and your supper would have gone too."—Currado laughed, and Chinchilly escaped.

The Wisdom of Solomon—a Fact.

Mr. Charles [...],who was several years in the T [...]y, used every morning, as he came from his lady-mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the park, and feed the ducks with bread or corn, which he brought in his pocket for that purpose. One morning having called his affec⯑tionate friends, the duckey duckey duckeys, he found, unfortunately, that he had forgot them. "Poor duckeys!" he cried, "I am sorry I am in a hurry, and cannot get you some bread; but here is sixpence for you to buy some;" and there⯑upon threw a sixpence to the ducks, which one of them gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the whole of the story to some gentlemen, with whom he was to dine. There being ducks for din⯑ner, one of the gentlemen ordered a sixpence to be put into the belly of one of them, which he gave to Charles to cut up: our hero was surprised at finding a sixpence among the seasoning; enraged, he bid the waiter send up his master, whom he sa⯑luted with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, and swore bitterly he would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "for," says he, "Gentlemen, this very morning did I give this six⯑pence to one of the ducks in the canal in St. James's [24] Park." One of the gentlemen in the sesret assured him it was a mistake, for that the ducks then on the table came from a friend of his at St. Alban's; on which Charles asked pardon, and peace was re⯑stored to the company.

Epigram
‘Miserum est alience incumbere Famoe. JUV.’

The Reproof.

A person was mulcted in a large sum by some understrappers of the state. He complained to the chief magistrate, who was indolent, and attended not to his petition. The man went to him repeat⯑edly. At length the magistrate was angry, and said, "How long wilt thou make my head ache with thy complaints?" "The man replied, "My lord, thou art our head, where else can I go?" The magistrate stood reproved, and redressed his grievance.

Partnership extended.

A tradesman, in the town of Birmingham, com⯑plains heavily of his wife and partner, and not without reason; he forewarns all persons from trusting his wife, Ann Martin, "as she is more conformable to Richard Southall than to him." This is surely carrying partnership beyond the usual bounds.

Epigram.

Madame Helvetius.

A lady of the world said, in speaking of her and of her husband—"They do not even pro⯑nounce the words, my husband, my wife, my chil⯑dren, like other people;" to express the affectionate union which existed between this pair.

This woman who was possessed of so much love, used incessantly to say—"I do not love women;" and she said so truly; for she found them vain, and that self-love was the passion they had much at heart.

Madame H. made a jest of pretensions to no⯑bility, (though she was the daughter of the Count de Ligneville, and allied to the house of Lorraine.) The Mareschal de B [...], her kinsman, once re⯑proached her with not knowing her family, and not going into mourning for an illustrious relation. "I cannot tell," replied she, "whether I was of his family; but pray did he know that he belonged to mine."

She was the happiest woman because she loved the [...] much; she felt her happiness, and boast⯑ed of it incessantly. The last word she spoke was to Cabonis, who was pressing her hands, already in appearance cold, and calling her, "My good [26] mother;" (she died in the 80th year of her age,) to which she answered, "I am that still."

The Adventures of the young Whipstitch.
A Tale.

A new Way to prevent Horses being frightened.

"Indeed you have spoiled" said one citizen to another, "the look of your nag, by thus cropping his ears so close—you had a motive for so doing no doubt?" Why yes, friend Turtle, I had, for the horse had a strange nack of being frightened, and on the least occasion would prick up his ears and look for all the world as tho'f he had seen the devil; therefore, to prevent the like in future, I cropt him."

The celebrated Dr. Perne.

Among the many brilliant flashes of wit at⯑tributed to this singular character, the following, [29] perhaps, is one of his happiest strokes. The doctor happening to call a clergyman a fool, who was no totally undeserving of the title, but who resented the indignity so highly that he threatened to com⯑plain to his diocesan, the Bishop of Ely—"Do," says the doctor, "and he will confirm you."

On a bad Singer.

On a modern Dramatist.

Portrait.

"Could you not give a little expression to that countenance?" said a gentleman to an eminent English painter, who shewed him a portrait, which he had just finished. "I made that attempt al⯑ready," replied the painter, "but what the picture gained in expression it lost in likeness; and by the time there was a little common sense in the coun⯑tenance, nobody know for whom it was intended. I was obliged, therefore, to make an entire new picture, with the face perfectly like, and perfectly meaningless, as you see it."

The Historian.

A young gentleman, endowed with a strong and retentive memory, had stored up in it without re⯑flection or application, a succession of reigns, of battles and sieges, and often set a prating mal-à-propos, on such events. One of his companions expressed much surprize at his knowledge, and wondered how he had laid up such a store. "Why, truly," replied he with frankness, "it is all owing to my bungling blockhead of a valet, who takes up such an unconscionable time in dressing my hair that I am glad to read to keep from fretting; and as there are no newspapers or magazines to be had in this country, I have been driven to history, which answers nearly as well."

An Apology for a black Complexion.

Epitaph.

Prayers of no avail.

The frequent prayers put up at times in the churches for rain, remind us of an honest West country parson, who when desired to pray for rain, answered, "I'll willingly do it to oblige you; but it is to no purpose, while the wind is in this quarter."

Dialogue between an English gentleman and an Irish Innkeeper.

Gent. Holloa, house?

I don't know any one of that name.

Are you the master of the inn?

Yes, sir, please your honour, when my wiſe's from home.

Gent. Have you a bill of fare?

Yes, sir, the fair of Mollingar and Balli⯑naslee are the next week.

Gent. I see,—How are your beds?

Very well, I thank you, sir.

Gent. Have you any mountain?

Yes, sir, this country is full of mountains.

Gent. I mean a kind of wine.

Yes, sir, all kinds, from Irish white wine (butter milk) to burgundy.

Gent. Have you any porter?

Yes, sir, Pat is an excellent porter; he'll go any where.

Gent. No, I mean porter to drink.

Oh, sir, he'd drink the ocean, never fear him for that.

Gent. Have you any fish?

They call myself an odd fish.

Gent. I think so. I hope you're no sharp.

No, sir, indeed I am not a lawyer.

Gent. Have you any soals?

For your boots or shoes, sir?

Gent. Psha! have you any plaice?

No. sir, but I was promised one if I would vote for Mr. B.

Gent. Have you any wild fowl?

They are tame enough now, for they have been killed these three days.

Gent. I must see myſelf?

And welcome, sir, I'll fetch you the look⯑ing glass.

Epigram occasioned by the unparalelled high price of Bread.

Scotch Repartee.

A countryman in Scotland, who was very ſond of apples, especially if they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbour's or⯑chard, who happening to be walking towards the spot at the time, cried out, "hoot, hoot, Sawny, where are thee ganging?" "Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost sang froid.

Breslaw the Conjuror.

This gentleman was some time ago at Canter⯑bury, accompanied, as he generally is, by a vast number of inferior familiars, where he exercised his dexterity with so little effect, that the whole body of them had almost undergone starvation.—This was a fate which was deemed by the whole combined junto much more preternatural than any other effect of their art, and they set about a de⯑vice to prevent its accomplishment. Mr. B [...] went to the church-wardeus, and proposed giving the profits of a night's performance to the poor, provided the parish would pay the expences of the house, &c. which they agreed to, and gave him the money he told them would be necessary for the purpose. An advertisement was accordingly in⯑serted, and hand-bills circulated, announcing that Mr. B [...] and his company would give one night's performance to the poor. The charitable artiſice succeeded, and the house was filled. The next morning the parish officer waited upon the conju⯑ror to receive the money for the purpose of distri⯑bution. "I have saved you that trouble," says Mr. B [...], "I have already disposed of the mo⯑ney." "What!" replied the officers, "did you [34] not promise in your bills that the profit of the be⯑nefit should be given to the poor!" "Very well," rejoined Mr. B [...], "and I have been as good as my word; I have given it to my own company, who I am sure are de poorest people in dis parish.' "Sir," resumed the officers, "this is a trick."—"I know it," says hocus pocus, "I live by tricks." The disappointed church wardens found it was use⯑less to set their wits against a conjuror's, and were obliged to depart without their booty.

Gluttony.

About ten years ago the Duke of Queensbury made a bet of ten thousand guineas, that he would produce a man who could eat more at a meal than any one Sir John Lade could find: The bet being accepted, the time was appointed; but his Grace not being able to attend the exhibition, he wrote to his agent to know what success, and according⯑ly received the following note—"My Lord, I have no time to state particulars, but merely to acquaint your Grace, that your man beat his an⯑tagonist by a pig and an apple-pye."

Careless Couple.

Quackery.

A foolish idle fellow at Florence, hearing that a physician had obtained great credit and wealth by the sale of some pills, undertook to make pills him⯑self and to sell them. He administered the same pills to all persons whatever; and as by chance they sometimes succeeded, his name became fa⯑mous. A countryman called on him to know if his pills would enable him to find an ass which he had lately lost. The quack bad him swallow six pills. In his way home, the operation of the pills obliged him to retire into a wood, where he found his ass. The clown spread a report, that he knew a doctor who sold pills that would recover strayed cattle.—These pills must be of a very searching na⯑ture,

Literature.

Run for on Saltburn Sands on the 3d day of April 1800 A match by two Horses for ten Guines Each the best of two four-mile Heats and to carey Eight Stone Each Noallows for Wast Likewise a Tea Kettle to be shut for by far Board Guns Also Aside of Beaken to Be shut for-on the a Bove pro⯑posals With other Devertion as yousel All Despuets Ariseng to Be thear Detrimened By two persens [36] Be fore the Race Nomeneated all Porsens that Wishes to shut for the a Bove Preses is Desered to mite at the Hous of William Lavereck Sene of Pak Hos Saltburn by Ten of the Clock in the for Nown upon a Count of the Hoses Runen By Two in the after Nown.

Method of Selling a Wife. A Fact.

The method of selling a wife, which I understand from experience, is for the head of the man to be ornamented with horns, and a collar round his neck, to which a ring and cord is fastened; the auction⯑eer is to lead the husband, and he the wife with a halter about her neck: Thus led a couple met me as I was taking a roam round the adjacent parts of a village in Yorkshire, curiosity led me to be one of the spectators. The auctioneer began to proceed to business, by informing the company present, that the parting was by mutual consent, to which the parties bowed approbation: He then put up the lot consisting of the lady and a purse of ten guineas, but found by sad experience that there was no demand for the article.—"A going, a going," said the auctioneer; "I assure you, gen⯑tlemen, you loose an excellent opportunity of making your fortune, and promoting future hap⯑piness; the money you bid is not near the value of the purse attached to the lot. He immedi⯑ately after knocked down the article to a sedate old bachelor, who paid the money out of the purse and march'd off, amidst the acclamations of seve⯑ral thousand spectators.

Eastern Hospitality.

An infidel prince was brought captive before the caliph Haroun Al Raschid, who advised him to embrace the faith of Mahomet, which he refused; upon which he commanded him to be put to death. "Let me not die thirsty," said the prince. The caliph ordered him a cup of cold water. "Let the executioner," said the prince, "put up his sword till I have drank it." The caliph did so. The prince drank a little, and poured the rest on the ground; after which he exclaimed, "Now, O caliph, put me to death." The caliph dared not to sin against the rights of hospitality, yet wished to punish a dangerous foe. He consulted a casuis; who advised him to keep the prince in solitary im⯑prisonment during his life. The prince, on hear⯑ing this sentence, immediately became a mussul⯑man.

Matthew Dowsell. in Bothell, Cumberland, in⯑tends to be married at Holm Church, on the Thursday before Whitsuntide next, whenever that may happen,—and to return to Bothell, to dine.

Mr. Reed gives a turkey to be roasted;—Edward Clementson gives a fat lamb, to be roasted;—Wm. Elliot gives a hen, to be roasted;—Joseph Gibson gives a pig, to be roasted;—William Hodgson gives a fat cali, to be roasted.

And, in order that this roastment may be well basted—do you see,

Mary Pearson, Patty Hodgson, Mary Bush by, Molly Fisher, Sarah Briscoe, and Betty Porthouse, [38] give each of them, a pound of butter:—The Adver⯑tiser will provide every thing else suitable for so festive an occasion.

And he hereby gives Notice,

To all young women, desirous of changing their condition, that he is at present disengaged;—and he advises them to consider, that although there may be luck in leisure, yet, in this case, delays are dangerous; for with him, he is determined it shall be—first come, first served.

BLACK-Guards.

An impious punster, on hearing that the spiritual part of the community (the clergy) were about to embody themselves for the defence of the county, after making some observations on their sable attire, and how ill the sword would become it, ex⯑claimed, "Oh! England, unhappy England, to what a condition are you reduced, when you are to be indebted for the defence of your rights and interests to a band of black-guards."

Comfort.

A gentleman, whose lady produced a fine boy six months after marriage, applied to a physician to account for this expedition. "Make yourself easy," answered the doctor, "this very oſten hap⯑pens in the case of the first child, but never after⯑wards."

A delicate Reproof.

To reproach the vices of another is very hazard⯑ous and difficult. The conſessor of Barnabo, vis⯑count [39] of Milan, surprised this nobleman in com⯑pany with a courtezan. Bernabo, in great confu⯑sion at the discovery, asked the priest what he would have done, had he been under the same temptation. "I know not, my lord," replied the discreet monk, "what I should have done, but I know what I ought to have done."

A Bon Mot.

A knight of the order of thé Golden Fleece, em⯑ployed in an embassy to Florence, with great parade and ostentation, wore several chains round his neck. A man of wit, who saw the knight thus caparisoned, observed that for other mad people one chain was thought sufficient, but this fellow requires a dozen

The Fat Abbé.

An abbé, who was very large and fat, coming late in the evening to a city, and meeting with a countryman, asked him if he could get in at the gate. "I believe so," said the peasant, looking at him jocosely; "for I saw a waggon of hay go in there this morning."

Madness.

A Spanish ambassador going on his mission to Africa, lodged in his way at a convent in Navarre, where many insane people were accommodated. One person, who appeared rational, told the am⯑bassador that his relations had shut him up there, and that their interest at court had detained him there, though he had given several proofs of a sound mind; and begged his grace to apply to the king for his release. The ambassador pitied the man, [40] really judging him to be ill used; and promised him to apply to his majesty, if he would tell him his name. "I am," replied the maniac, "the angel Gabriel, who carried the message from heaven to the Virgin Mary." On his progress, he lodged a second time in Granada, at a monastery of the same description, and fell into discourse with one of the lunatics, whose story was, that he had done eminent services to the king of Spain, and that his son, in order to take possession of his estate, had confined him among madmen; and he begged his grace, on application to his majesty, to obtain his release. The ambassador mentioned to him his former commission from the angel Gabriel. "Do not mind that fool, my lord; he is a liar: for if he had been the angel, I should have known it, as I am God the Father himself."—Great care should be taken to keep madmen from the palaces of kings. Henry the second's life was at⯑tempted by a madman. Mahomet Bass, a general of the Turkish army, was killed by a madman at the head of his troops: and our most gracious king, George the third, has twice been in great danger of losing his life; once by Margaret Nicholson, and very lately by James Hadſield, who fired a pistol at his sacred person, on his coming into Drury Lane theatre. Henry the fourth used to say very frequently—"Protect me from madmen! Men in their senses will never do me any harm."

Clerical Gown.

Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who in⯑sulted him, and at last told him, "Doctor, your gown is your protection;" replied, "It may be [41] mine, but it shall not be yours;" pulled it off, and thrashed the aggressor.

Conjugal Affection.

A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often lamenting his first wife, before his second, who one day said to him, "Monsieur, je vous assure qu'il ny a personne qui la regrette plus que moi; (I assure you, Sir, no one regrets her more than I do.")

Passionate Temper.

General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate: Sir Robert Sutton the re⯑verse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me;"—and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said again, "John, you cut me"—and a third time—when Sutton, starting up in a rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and said, "If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, I'll knock you down."

To do Nothing requires Assistance.

A master of a ship calls out, "Who is there?" A boy answered, "Will, Sir."—"What are you doing?"—"Nothing, Sir."—"Is Tom there?"—"Yes," says Tom. "What are you doing, Tom?"—"Helping Will, Sir."

Legs in Store.

A general officer in the battle of Blenheim hap⯑pening to have one of his legs shot off by a ball, [42] burst into a loud laugh: "How fortunate it is," said he, "I have two more in my portmanteau!"

Eels.

A gentleman, seeing a woman skinning some eels, said to her, "How can you bear to be so cruel? Don't you think you put them to a great deal of pain?" "Why, I might, Sir," she replied, "when I first began business; but I have dealt in them twenty years, and by this time they must be quite used to it."

The Lion and Mouse.

An English knight, who had behaved very in⯑solently to queen Elizabeth, when she was only a princess, fell upon his knees before her, soon after she became his sovereign, and besought her to pardon him, suspecting (as there was good cause) that he should have been sent to the tower. She immediately answered very mildly, "Do you not know we are descended from the lion, whose na⯑ture is not to prey upon the mouse?"

Comment on the Catechism.

A clergyman, explaining the catechism to some girls belonging to a Sunday school, told them their christian name was given them when they were ad⯑mitted into Christ's church, and became chris⯑tians; desiring them to recollect the proper answer, should he hereafter repeat the question. After a few intervening observations—"Well, my love," said he, "when was your christian name given you?"—"When I was a baby, Sir!" she replied.

Subject for a Surgeon.

A man, sitting one evening at an ale-house, thinking how to get provisions for the next day, saw another, dead drunk on an opposite bench. A thought instantly struck him; so going to the landlord, he said, "Do you not wish to get rid of this sot?" "Aye, to be sure," returned he; "and half a crown shall speak my thanks." "Agreed," said the other, "get me a sack." A sack was brought, and put ovet the drunken guest, Away trudged the man with his burthen, till he came to the house of a noted resurrectionist; when he knocked at the door. "Who's there?" said a voice. "I have brought you a subject," replied the man, "so come, quick, give me my fee." The money was immediately paid, and sack, with its contents, deposited in the surgery. The motion of quick had pretty nearly recovered the poor victim, who, before the other had been gone five minutes, began to endeavour to extricate himself from the sack. The purchaser, enraged at being thus outwitted, ran after the man who had de⯑ceived him, and cried, "Why, you dog, the man's alive!" "Alive!" answered the other, "so much the better—kill him when you want him."

Epigram.

Grace after Dinner, at a Miser's.

Oroonoko.

At an inn in a market-town upon the great road leading to Holyhead, where a country company of comedians were murdering the language of some of our best dramatic writers, an Irish gentleman sat in the kitchen smoking his pipe, and regarding with pleasure a fowl that was roasting for his supper—a tall meagre figure stalked in, and with an earnest and melancholy look at the fowl, he re⯑tired with a sigh: repeating his visit a second time, he exclaimed, "By G [...]d, that fowl will never be done in time."—" By J [...]s," says the Irishman, "what do you mean? that fowl is for my supper, and you shan't touch a feather of it."—" Oh," replied the other, "you misunderstand me: I do not want the fowl; but I am to play Oroonoko this evening, and we cannot begin for want of the jack-chain."

City News.

A Negro's Just Remark.

A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard; which being granted, he asked, "If white man buy stolen goods, why he no be flogged too?"—"Well," said the judge, "so he would."—" Dere den," replied Mungo, "is my massa, he buy tolen goods; he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me."

Freedom of Speech.

The tyrant Hijjauje^*, one day in hunting, was separated from his attendants, and meeting with an Arab, said, "What sort of personage is your sovereign?" "Cruel, treacherous, blood-thirsty, and adulterous," replied the man. "Dost thou know me?" said the tyrant. "No," rejoined the Arab. "I am Hijjauje," answered he. "Dost thou know me?" said the Arab. "No," was the reply. "Know, then, that I am one of the land⯑holders of this desert, and the members of our family are by fatality afflicted with insanity for three days every year: this day is one of them." The tyrant smiled, though hurt, and let the Arab escape, notwithstanding his freedom.

Dr. Latimer's Present.

Dr. Latimer, one of the reformers, was raised to the bishopric of Worcester in the reign of Henry VIII. It was the custom of those times for each of the bishops to make presents to the king of a purse of gold on a new-year's day. Bishop La⯑timer went with the rest of his brethren to make the usual offering; but instead of a purse of gold, presented the king with a New Testament, in which a leaf was doubled down to this passage, "Whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Such characters as this in the present age would be valuable.

Volunteer Heroism.

The following paragraph is copied from an Edinburgh newspaper, of the ninth of July, 1796: "An indictment has been preferred before the sheriff against a breeches-maker, for a violent assault on three of the Royal Edinburgh volunteers!"

Exposition on the Marriage Service.

A Welchman had sentence of death passed upon him for having two wives, but he stormed and swore, "Uds split hur nails, hur see no reason they had to hang hur for having two wives, when the priest told hur, before a great people, hur might have sixteen: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer." (Instead of for better, &c.)

The Left-handed Baron.

Baron B [...], a celebrated gambler, well known by the name of The left-handed Baron, be⯑ing detected some years ago, at Bath, secreting a card, the company, in the warmth of their resent⯑ment, [47] threw him out of the window of a one pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. The baron meeting Foote some time after, was loudly complaining of this usage, and asked what he should do. "Do," says the wit, "why it is a plain case, never play so high again as long as you live."

A Solution.

A parson, thinking to banter an honest quaker, asked him, where his religion was before George Fox's time? "Where thine was," says the quaker, "before Harry Tudor's time. Now, thou hast been free with me," added the quaker, "pr'ythee let me ask thee a question.—Where was Jacob go⯑ing when he was turned of ten years of age? canst thou tell that?" "No," said the parson, "nor you neither, I believe," "Yes, I can," replied the quaker, "he was going into his eleventh year; was he not?"

Sleepy Congregation.

"How shameful it is that you should fall asleep," said a dull preacher to his drowsy audience "when that poor creature," pointing to an ideot, who was leaning on a staff and staring at him, "is both awake and attentive," "Perhaps, Sir," replied the fool, "I should have been asleep too if I had not been an idiot."

Slip of the Tongue.

A servant bringing a tongue into a room, it slip⯑ped from the plate, and fell on the ground. His master was angry, but relented when the fellow begged pardon, for, he said, "it was only a slip [48] of the tongue" The answer so pleased the com⯑pany, that they clubbed shillings a-piece to reward his wit. Another servant, desiring a like recom⯑pence, took an opportunity, when bring up a rump of beef, to let it fall in like manner, and said, "it was only a slip of the tongue. But he was dismissed; and forced to pay for cleaning the carpet.

Epitaph.

A woman at Wigan in Lancashire, being told that candles had been raised twopence per pound on account of the war, said, "Dung it, are they got to feighten by candle-light?"

Price of Dogs.

A poor Limosin being at Paris, saw a very little lap-dog sold for four crowns, and made this reflec⯑tion: "If so little a dog brings so large a price, what must a large dog bring?" After this sound and protound ratiocination, he returned to his own country, and collecting all the large curs he could procure, brought them to Paris, hoping to drive a trade which would enrich him in a few days.

Epigram.