[]High Life Below Stairs.

ACT I. SCENE, An apartment in Freeman's houſe.

A Country boy! ha, ha, ha! How long has this ſcheme been in your head?

Some time.— I am now convinced of what you have often been hinting to me, that I am confoundedly cheated by my ſervants.

Oh, are you ſatisfied at laſt, Mr. Lovel? I always told you, that there is not a worſe ſet of ſervants in the pariſh of St. James's than in your kitchen.

'Tis with ſome difficulty I believe it now, Mr. Free⯑man; though, I muſt own, my expences often make me ſtare.— Phillip, I am ſure▪ is an honeſt fellow; and I will ſwear for my blacks— If there is a rogue among my folks, it is that ſurly dog Tom.

You are miſtaken in every one. Phillip is an hypro⯑critical raſcal; Tom has a good deal of ſurly honeſty about him; and for your blacks, they are as bad as your whites.

Prithee, Freeman, how came you to be ſo well ac⯑quainted with my people? None of the wenches are handſome enough to move the affections of a middle-aged gentleman as you are—ha, ha, ha!

You are a young man, Mr. Lovel, and take a pride in a number of idle unneceſſary ſervants, who are the plague and reproach of this kingdom.

Charles you are an old-faſhion'd fellow. Servants a plague and reproach! ha, ha, ha! I would have forty more, if my houſe would hold them.—Why, man, in Jamaica, before I was ten years old, I had a hundred blacks kiſſing my feet eve⯑ry day.

You gentry of the weſtern iſles are high-metled ones, and love pomp and parade. I have ſeen it delight your ſoul, when the people in the ſtreet have ſtared at your equipage; eſpecially if they wiſpered loud enough to be heard, "That is ſquire Lovel, the great Weſt-Indian"—ha, ha, ha!

I ſhould be ſorry if we were ſplenetic as you northern iſlanders, who are devoured with melancholy and fog—ha, ha, ha! No, Sir, we are children of the ſun, and are born to diffuſe the bounteous favour which our noble parent is pleaſed to be⯑ſtow on us.

I wiſh you had more of your noble parent's regularity, and leſs of his fire. As it is you conſume ſo faſt, that not one in twenty of you live to be fifty years old.

But in that fifty we live two hundred, my dear; mark that—But [...] buſineſs—I am reſolved upon my frolic—I will know whether my ſervants are rogues or not. If they are, I'll baſtmado the raſcals; if not, I think I ought to pay [] for my impertinence. Pray tell me, is not your Robert ac⯑quainted with my people? Perhaps he may give a little light into the thing.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Lovel, your ſervants are ſo abandoned, that I have forbid him your houſe. However, if you have a mind to aſk him any queſtion, he ſhall be forth⯑coming.

Let us have him.

You ſhall: But it is an hundred to one if you get any thing out of him; for though he is a very honeſt fellow, yet he is ſo much of a ſervant, that he [...]ll never tell any thing to the diſadvantage of another.—Who waits?—

Send Robert to me.

And what was it determin'd you upon this project at laſt?

This letter. It is an anonymous one, and ſo ought not to be regarded; but it has ſomething honeſt in it, and put me upon ſatisfying my curioſity—Read it.

I ſhould know ſomething of this hand—

—Odd and honeſt! Well—and now what are the ſteps you in⯑tend to take?

I ſhall immediately apply to my friend the manager for a diſguiſe.—Under the form of a gawky country boy, I will be an eye-witneſs of my ſervants behaviour. You muſt aſſiſt me Mr. Freeman.

As how, Mr. Lovel?

My plan is this—I gave it out that I was going to my borough in Devonſhire; and yeſterday ſet out with my ſervant in great form, and lay at Baſingſtoke.

Well?

I ordered the fellow to make the beſt of his way down into the country, and told him that I would follow him; in⯑ſtead of that. I turn'd back, and am juſt come to town:— Ecce fignum!

It is now one o'clock.

This very afternoon I ſhall pay my people a viſit.

How will you get in?

When I am properly habited, you ſhall get me intro⯑duced to Philip as one of your [...]enants ſons, who wants to be made a good ſervant of.

They will certainly diſcover you.

Never fear; I'll be ſo countryfied, that you ſhall not [5] know me. As they are throughly perſuaded I am many miles off, they'll be more eaſily impoſed on. Ten to one but they begin to celebrate my departure with a drinking bout, if they are what you deſcribe them.

Shall you be able to play your part?

I am ſurpriſed, Mr. Freeman, that you, who have known me from my infancy, ſhould not remember my abili⯑ties in that way.—How I play'd Daniel in the Conſcious Lo⯑vers at ſchool, and afterwards arrived at the diſtinguiſhed cha⯑racter of the mighty Mr. Scrub.

Ha, ha, ha! that is very well—Enough—Here is Robert.

Your honour order'd me to wait on you.

I did, Robert.—Robert—

Sir—

Come here. You know, Robert, I have a good opi⯑nion of your integrity.

I have always endeavoured that your honour ſhould.

Pray, have not you ſome acquaintance among Mr. Lo⯑vel's people?

A little, pleaſe your honour.

How do they behave?—We have nobody but friends—you may ſpeak out.

Ay, Robert, ſpeak out.

I hope your honours will not inſiſt on my ſaying any thing in an adair of this kind.

Oh, but we do inſiſt—If you know any thing—

Sir, I am but a ſervant myſelf; and it would not be⯑come me to ſpeak ill of a brother-ſervant.

Pſha! this is falſe honeſty—ſpeak out.

Don't oblige me, good Sir. Conſider, Sir, a ſervant's bread depends upon his carackter.

But if a ſervant uſes me ill—

Alas, Sir! what is one man's poiſon is another man's meat.

You ſee how they trim for one another.

Service, Sir, is no inheritance.—A ſervant that is not approved in one place, may give ſatisfaction in another. Every body muſt live, your honour.

I like your heartineſs as well as your caution; but in my caſe, it is neceſſary that I ſhould know the truth.

The truth, Sir, is not to be ſpoken at all times: it may bring one into trouble, whereof if—

Pray, Mr. Lovel, let me ſee that letter again.

—Aye—It muſt be ſo—Ro⯑bert.

Sir.

Do you know any thing of this letter?

Letter, your honour?

Yes, letter.

I have ſeen the hand before.

He bluſhes.

I aſk you if you were concerned in writing this letter? You never told me a lie yet, and I expect the truth from you now

Pray, your honour, don't aſk me.

Did you write it?—Anſwer me.

I cannot deny it.

What induced you to do it?

I will tell the truth. I have ſeen ſuch waſte and ex⯑travagance, and riot and drunkenneſs, in your kitchen, Sir, that as my maſter's friend, I could not help diſcovering it to you.

Go on.

I am ſorry to ſay it to your honour, but your honour is not only impoſed on, but laughed at by all your ſervants eſpe⯑cially by Philip, who is a very bad man.

Philip? An ungrateful dog! well?

I could not preſume to ſpeak to your honour; and therefore I reſolved, though but a poor ſcribe, to write your honour a letter.

Robert, I am greatly indebted to you—Here—

On any other account than this, I ſhould be proud to receive your honour's bounty; but now I beg to be excuſed.

Thou haſt a noble heart, Robert, and I'll not forget you. Freeman, he muſt be in the ſecret. Wait your maſter's orders.

I will, your honour.

Well Sir, are you convinced now?

Convinced? Yes; and I'll be among the ſcoundrels before night. You or Robert muſt contrive ſome way or other to get me introduced to Philip as one of your cottagers boys out of Eſſex.

Ha, ha! You'll make a fine figure.

They ſhall make a fine figure.—It muſt be done this afternoon:—Walk with me acroſs the park, and I'll tell you the whole.—My name ſhall be Jemmy; and I am come to be a gentleman's ſervant—and will do my beſt, and hope to get a good carackter.

But what will you do if you find them raſcals?

Diſcover myſelf, and blow them all to the devil.— Come along.

Ha, ha, ha!—Bravo—Jemmy—Bravo, ha, ha!

What wretches are ordinary ſervants, that go on in the ſame vulgar track every day! eating, working, and ſleeping, —But we, who have the honour to ſerve the nobility, are of another ſpecies. We are above the common forms—have ſer⯑vants [7] to wait upon us, and are are as lazy and luxurious as our maſters. Ha! my dear ſir Harry.

How have you done theſe thouſand years?

My lord duke! your grace's moſt obedient ſervant.

Well, baronet and where have you been?

At Newmarket my lord. We have had dev'liſh fine ſport.

And a good appearance, I hear. Pox take it, I ſhould have been there; but our old Dutcheſs died, and we were ob⯑liged to keep houſe, for the decency of the thing.

I picked up fifteen pieces.

Pſha! a trifle!

The viſcount's people, have been bloodily taken in this meeting.

Credit me, baronet, they knew nothing of the turf.

I aſſure you, my lord, they loſt every match; for Crab was beat hollow, Careſeſs threw his rider, and miſs Slam⯑merkin had the diſtemper.

Ha, ha, ha! I'm glad on't. Taſte this ſnuff, ſir Harry:

'Tis good rappee.

Right Straſburgh, I aſſure you; and of my own importing.

Aye!

The city-people adulterate it ſo confoundedly that I always import my own ſnuff—I wiſh my lord would do the ſame; but he is ſo indolent—When did you ſee the girls? I ſaw lady Bab this morning; but, 'fore Gad, whether it be love or reading, ſhe looked as pale as a penitent.

I have juſt had this card from Lovel's people.—

"Philip and Mrs Kitty preſent their compliments to Sir Harry, and deſire the honour of his company this even⯑ing, to be of a ſmall party, and eat a bit of ſupper."

I have the ſame invitation.—Their maſter it ſeems is gone to his borough.

You'll be with us, my lord?—Philip's a blood.

A buck of the firſt head. I'll tell you a ſecret,—he's going to be married.

To whom?

To Kitty.

No!

Yes, he is; and I intend to cuckold him.

Then we may depend upon your grace for certain ha, ha, ha!

If our houſe breaks up in a tolerable time, I'll be with you.—Have you any thing for us?

Yes a little bit of poetry.—I muſt be at the Cocoa tree till eight.

Heigh-ho! I am quite out of ſpirits—I had a [8] damned debauch laſt night, baronet.—Lord Francis, Bob the biſhop, and I, tipt off four bottles of Burgundy a piece.—Ha! there are two fine girls coming!—Faith—lady Bab—aye, and lady Charlotte.

We'll not join them.

O yes—Bab is a fine wench, notwithſtanding her complexion; though I ſhould be glad ſhe would keep her teeth cleaner.—Your Engliſh women are damned negligent about their teeth.—How is your Charlotte in that particular?

My Charlotte!

Ay the world ſays you are to have her.

I own I did keep her company; but we are off, my lord.

How ſo?

Between you and me, ſhe has a plaguy thick pair of legs.

Oh! damn it that's inſufferable.

Beſides, ſhe's a fool, and miſs'd her opportunity with the old counteſs.

I am afraid baronet, you love money. Rot it, I never ſave a ſhilling. Indeed I am ſure of a place in the ex⯑ciſe. Lady Charlottee is to be of the party to night; how do you manage that?

Why, we do meet at a third place; are very civil, and look queer, and laugh, and abuſe one another, and all that.

A-la-mode, ha! Here they are.

Let us retire.

Oh fie, lady Charlotte! you are quite indelicate; I am ſorry for your taſte.

Well I ſay it again, I love Vauxhall.

O my ſtars! Why there is nobody there but filthy citizens.

We were in hopes the raiſing the price would have kept them out, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha! Runelow for my money.

Now you talk of Runelow, when did you ſee the colonel lady Bab!

The colonel! I hate the fellow. He has had the aſſurance to talk of a creature in Gloceſterſhire before my face.

He is a pretty man for all that, ſoldiers you know have their miſtreſſes every where.

I deſpiſe him. How goes on your affair with the baron [...]t?

The baronet is a ſtupid wretch, and I ſhall have nothing to ſay to him. You are to be at Lovel's to night lady Bab,

Unleſs I alter my mind. I don't admire viſiting theſe commoners, lady Charlotte.

Oh, but Mrs Kitty has taſte.

She affects it.

The duke is fond of her, and he has judgment.

The duke might ſhew his judgement much better.

There he is, and the baronet too. Take no notice of them. We'll rally them bye-and-bye.

Dull ſouls! Let us ſet up a loud laugh, and leave em.

Aye, let us be gone; for the common people do ſo ſtare at us we ſhall certainly be mobb'd.

Ha, ha, ha! ha, ha, ha!

They certainly ſaw us, and are gone off laughing at us. I muſt follow.

No, no.

I muſt I muſt have a party of raillery with them, a bon mot, or ſo. Sir Harry you'll excuſe me adien. I'll be with you in the evening, if poſſible—Though, bark ye! there is a bill depending in our houſe, which the miniſtry make a point of our attending; and ſo you know, mum! we muſt mind the ſtops of the great fiddle. Adieu.

What a coxcomb this is! and the fellow can't read. It was but the other day that he was cow boy in the country, then was bound 'prentice to a periwig maker, got into my lord duke's family, and now ſets up for a fine gentleman. O tempora! O mores!

Sir Harry, prithee what are we to do at Lovell's when we come there;

We ſhall have the fiddles, I ſuppoſe.

The fiddles! I have done with dancing ever ſince the laſt ſit of the gout. I'll tell you what, my dear boy, I poſſitively cannot be with them, unleſs we have a little—

Fie, my lord duke.

Look you, baronet, I inſiſt on it. Who the devil of any faſhion can poſſibly ſpend an evening without it? bu [...] I ſhall looſe the girls, how grave you look, ha, ha, ha, Well let there be fiddles.

But, my dear lord, I ſhall be quite miſerable with⯑out you.

Well, I won't be particular; I'll do as the reſt do. Tol, lol, lol.

He had the aſſurance, laſt winter, to court a tradeſman's daughter in the city, with two thouſand pounds to her fortune, and got me to write his love letters. He pre⯑tended to be an enſign in a marching regiment, ſo wheedled the old folks into conſent, and would have carried the girl off, but was unluckily prevented by the waſherwoman who hap⯑pened to be his firſt couſin.

[10] Mr. Philip your ſervant.

You are welcome to England, Sir Harry, I hope you received the care, and will do us the honour of your company. My maſter is gone into Devonſhire. We'll have a roaring night

I'll certainly wait on you.

The girls will be with us.

Is this a wedding ſupper, Phillip.

What do you mean, ſir Harry.

The duke tells me ſo.

The duke's a fool.

Take care what you ſay; his grace is a bruiſer.

I am a pupil of the ſame academy, and not afraid of him, I aſſure you. Sir Harry we'll have a noble batch I have ſuch wine for you!

I am your man, Phil.

Egad the cellar ſhall bleed: I have ſome Burgundy that is fit for an emperor my maſter would have given his ears for ſome of it t'other day, to treat my lord what d'ye call him with. But I told him it was all gone ha! Charity begins at home ha; Odſo, here is Mr. Freeman, my maſters intimate friend; he's a dry one. Don't let us be ſeen together he'll ſuſpect ſomething.

I am gone.

Away, away; remember, Burgundy is the word.

Right long corks! ha, Phil?

Your's.

Now for a caſt of my office a ſtarch phiz, a canting phraſe and as many lies as neceſſary hem!

Oh, Philip! how do you do, Philip? You have loſt your maſter, I find.

It is a loſs, indeed, ſir, ſo good a gentleman▪ He muſt be nearly got into Devonſhire by this time. Sir, your ſervant.

Why in ſuch a hurry, Philip?

I ſhall leave the houſe as little as poſſible, now his honour is away.

You are in the right, Philip.

Servants at ſuch times are too apt to be negligent and extravagant, ſir.

True; the maſter's abſence is the time to try a good ſervant in.

It is ſo, ſir, ſir, your ſervant.

Oh, Mr, Philip! pray ſtay; you muſt do me a piece of ſervice.

You command me ſir

I look upon you, Philip, as one of the beſt behaved, moſt ſenſible, completeſt—

raſcals in the world.

Your honour is pleaſed to compliment.

There is a tenant of mine in Eſſex, a very honeſt man Poor fellow, he has a great number of children and they have ſent me one of 'em, a tall gawky boy, to make a ſervant of; but my folks ſay they can do nothing with him.

Let me have him, ſir,

In truth he is an unlik'd cub.

I will lick him into ſomething. I warrant you, ſir. Now my maſter is abſent, I ſhall have a good deal of time upon my hands; and I hate to be idle, ſir in two months I'll engage to finiſh him.

I don't doubt it.

I have twenty pupils in the pariſh of St. James's and for a table, or a ſide-board, or behind a equipage, or in the delivery of a meſſage, or any thing.

What have you for entrance?

I always leave it to gentlemen's generoſity.

Here is a guinea. I beg he may be taken care of.

That he ſhall, I promiſe you

Your honour knows me.

Thoroughly.

When can I ſee him, ſir?

Now; directly call at my my houſe, and take him in your hand.

Sir, I will be with you in a minute. I will but ſtep into the market to let the next tradeſmen know they muſt not truſt any of our ſervants, now they are at board wages Humph!

How happy is Mr. Lovel in ſo excellent a ſervant!

Ha; ha, ha! This is one of my maſter's prudent friends, who dines with him three times a week, and thinks he is mighty generous in giving me five guineas at Chriſtmas. Damn all ſuch ſheaking ſcoundrels, I ſay.

Somebody knocks coachy, go, go to the door coachy!

I'll not go do you go, you black dog.

Devil ſhall fetch me if I go.

Why then let him ſtay I'll not go damme. Ay, knock the door down and let yourſelf in.

Ay, ay, knock again, knock again.

Maſter is gone into Devonſhire, ſo he can't be there So I'll go to ſleep.

So will I, I'll go to ſleep too.

You lie devil, you ſhall not go to ſleep till I am aſleep, I am king of the kitchen.

No, You are not king; but when you are drunk, you are ſulky as hell. Here is cooky coming ſhe is king and queen too.

Somebody has knocked at the door twenty times, and nobody hears, Why, coachman, Kingſton, ye drunken bears! why don't one of you go to the door?

You go, cook, you go.

Hang me if I go.

Yes, yes, cooky, go, Mollſy, Pollſy, go.

Out, you black toad. It is none of my buſineſs, and go I will not.

I might have ſtayed at the door all night, as the little man in the play ſays, if I had not had the key of the door in my pocket. What is come to you all?

There is John coachman and Kingſton as drunk as two bears.

Ah, ha, my lads! what finiſhed already? Theſe are the very beſt of ſervants. Poor fellows; I ſuppoſe they have been drinking their maſter's good journey ha, ha!

No doubt on't.

Yo ho! get to bed, you dogs, and ſleep yourſelves ſober, that you may be able to get drunk again bye-and-bye. They are as faſt as a church Jemmy.

Anon.

Do you love drinking?

Yes I loves ale.

You dog you ſhall ſwim in Burgundy.

Burgundy! what's that?

Cook, wake thoſe honeſt gentlemen, and ſee them to bed

It is impoſſible to wake them.

I think I could wake 'em ſir, if I might, heh

Do, Jemmy, wake 'em, ha, ha, ha!

Hip, Mr. Coachman.

Oh! oh! What! Zounds! Oh! damn you.

What blackey, blackey!

Oh, oh! What now, Curſe you! Oh

Ha, ha, ha,

Ha, ha, ha,—Well done, Jemmy. Cook ſee thoſe gentry to bed.

Marry come up, I ſay ſo too; not I indeed.

She ſhan't ſee us to bed. We'll ſee ourſelves to bed.

We got drunk together, and we'll go to bed together,

You ſee how we live, boy.

Yes, I ſees how you live.

Let the ſupper be elegant, cook.

Who pays for it?

My maſter to be ſure; who elſe? ha, ha, ha, He is rich enough, I hope, ha, ha, ha,

Humph?

Each of us muſt take a part, and ſink it in our next weekly bills; that is the way.

Soh!

Prithee, Phillip, what boy is this?

A boy of Freeman's recommending.

Yes, I'm 'ſquire Freeman's boy—heh—

Freeman is a ſtingy bound, and you may tell him I ſay ſo. He dines here three times a week, and I never ſaw the colour of his money yet.

Ha, ha, ha! that is good—Freeman ſhall have it

I muſt ſtep to the tallow-chandler's to diſpoſe of ſome of my perquiſites; and then I'll ſet about ſupper.

Well ſaid cook, that is right; the perquiſite is the thing, cook.

Cloe, Cloe! where are you, Cloe?—

Yes, miſtreſs—

Take that box, and follow me.

Yes, miſtreſs—

—Who is this?

—He, he, he!—Oh—This is pretty, boy —He, he, he!—Oh—This is pretty red hair—He, he, he! You ſhall be in love with me bye-and-bye—He, he!

A very pretty amour

[...] la! what a fine room is this!—Is this the dining room [...] Sir?

No; our drinking-room.

La! la! what a fine lady [...]—This is madam I [...]ppoſe.

Where have you been Kitty?

I have been diſpoſing of ſome of his honour's ſhirts and other linen, which it is a ſhame his honour ſhould wear any longer.—Mother Barter is above, and waits to know if you have any commands for her.

I ſhall diſpoſe of my wardrobe to-morrow.

Who have we here?

A boy of Freeman's; a poor, ſilly fool—

Thank you

I intend the entertainment this evening as a compliment to you, Kitty.

I am your humble. Mr. Phillip.

But I beg I may ſee none of your airs, or hear any of our French Gibberiſh with the duke.

Don't be jealous, Phil.

I intend, before our marriage, to ſettle ſomething handſome upon you; and with the five hunderd pounds which I have already ſaved in this extravagant fellow's family—

A dog!

O la, la! what! have you five hundred pounds?

Peace, blockhead.

I'll tell you what you ſhall do, Phil.

Ay, what ſhall I do?

You ſhall ſet up a chocolate-houſe, my dear

Yes, and be cucko [...]ded.

You know my edu [...]ation was a very genteel one.—I was a half-boarder at Chelſea, and I ſpeak French like a na⯑tive Comment vous portez vous Mounfi [...]ur?

Pſha, pſha!

One is nothing without French. I ſhall ſhine in the bar. Do you ſpeak French, boy?

Anon.

Anon O the fool! ha, ha, ha! Come here, do, and let me new-mould you a little. You muſt be a good boy, and wait upon the gentle folks to-night.

Yes, an't pleaſe you, I'll do my beſt.

His beſt! O the natural! This is a ſtrange head of hair of thine, boy. It is ſo courſe, and ſo carotty.

All my brothers be red in the pole.

There, now you are ſomthing like Come. Phillip, give the boy a leſſon, and then I'll lecture him out of the Ser⯑vant's Guide.

Come, Sir, firſt, Hold up your head; very well; turn out your toes, Sir; very well; now call coach.

What is call coach?

Thus, Sir! Coach, coach, coach!

Admirable! the knave has a good ear Now, Sir tell me a lie.

O la! I never told a lie in all my life.

Then it is high time you ſhould begin now; what is a ſervant good for that can't tell a lie?

And ſtand in it Now I'll lecture him

This is "The ſervant's guide to wealth, by Tymothy Shoul⯑dernot, formerly ſervant to ſeveral noblemen, and now an offi⯑cer in the cuſtoms; neceſſary for all ſervants."

Mind, Sir, what excellent rules the book contains, and remember them well. Come, Kitty, begin.

Advice to the footman.

He, he, he! [...]es, I'll do nothing at all, not I.

You will underſtand that better one day or other, boy.

To the groom,

Oddines! that's good he, he, he!

Eat the manger! he, he, he!

I won't give you too much at a time Here, boy, take the book, and read it every night and morning before you ſay your prayers.

Ha, ha, ha! very good; but now for buſineſs.

Right I'll go and get one of the damaſk tablecloaths. and ſome napkins; and be ſure, Phil, your ſideboard is very ſmart.

That it ſhall. Come, Jemmy

Soh! ſoh! It works well.

ACT II.

WELL, Phil, what think you? Don't we look ve⯑ry ſma [...]t? Now let 'em come as ſoon as they will, we ſhall be ready for 'em.

'Tis all very well, but—

But what?

Why, I wiſh we could get that ſnarling cur, Tom, to make one.

What is the matter with him?

I don't know he his a queer ſon of a—

Oh, I know him; he is one of your ſneaking, half bred fellows, that prefers his maſter's intereſt to his own.

Here he is.

—And why won't you make one to-night, Tom? Here's cook and coa [...]hman, and all of us▪

I tell you again, I will not make one.

We ſhall have ſomething that's good.

And make your matter pay for it.

I warrant, now you think yourſelf mighty honeſt, ha, ha, ha?

A little honeſter than you. I hope, and not brag neither.

Hark you, Mr. Honeſty, don't be ſaucy.

This is worth liſtening to.

What, madam, you are afraid for your cully, are you?

Cully, ſirrah, cully! Afraid, ſirrah! afraid of what.

Ay, Sir, afraid of what?

Ay, Sir, afraid of what?

I value none of you. I know your tricks.

What do you know, ſirrah?

Ay, what do you know?

Ay, Sir, what do you know?

I know that you are in ſee with every tradeſman be⯑longing to the houſe, and that you Mr Clodpole, are in a fair way to be hanged.

What do you ſtrike the boy for?

It is an honeſt blow.

I'll ſtrike him again. 'Tis ſuch as you that bring a ſcandal upon as all.

Come, none of your impudence, Tom.

Egad, madam, the gentry may well complain, when they get ſuch ſervants as you in their houſes.—There's your good friend, mother Barter, the old cloaths woman, the greateſt thief in town, juſt now gone out with her apron full of his honour's linen.

Well, Sir, and did you never ha?

No, never:—I have lived with his honour four years and never took the value of that

—His honour is a prince gives noble wages, and keeps noble compa⯑ny; and yet you two are not contented, but cheat him where⯑ever you can lay your fingers. Shame on you!

The fellow I thought a rogue, is the only honeſt ſervant in my houſe.

Out, you mealy-mouth'd cur.

Well, go tell his honour, do—ha, ha, ha!

I ſcorn that. Damn an informer! But yet I hope his honour will find you two out one day or other that [...]s all.

this fellow muſt be taken care of.

I'll do his buſineſs for him, when his honour comes to town.

You lie, you ſcoundrel, you will not.

O la! here is a fine gentleman.

Ah, ma chere Madamſeile! Comment vous, portez vous?

Fort bien, je vouis remercie, Mounſier.

Now we ſhall have nonſenſe by wholeſale.

How do you do, Phillip?

Your grace's humble ſervant.

But, my dear Kitty

Jemmy.

An on

Come along with me, and I'll make you free of the cellar.

Yes—I will—But won't you aſk he to drink?

No, no; he will have his ſhare bye-and-bye; come along.

Yes.

Indeed I thought your grace an age in coming.

Upon honour, our houſe is but this moment up; You have a damned vile collection of pictures, I obſerve, above [17] ſtairs, Kitty.—Your 'ſquire has no taſte.

No taſte? that's impoſſible, for he has laid out a vaſt deal of money.

There is not an original picture in the whole collecti⯑on; Where could he pick 'em up?

He employs three or four men to buy for him, and he always pays for originals.

Donnez moi votre eau de luce—My head achs confoundedly—(She gives a ſmelling bottle.)—Kitty my dear I hear you are going to be married.

Pardonnez moi for that.

If you get a boy, I'll be godfather, 'faith.

How you rattle, duke; I am thinking, my lord, when I had the honour to ſee you firſt.

At the play, Madamſeile.

Your grace loves a play?

No, it is a dull, old-faſhioned entertainment I hate it.

Well, give me a good tragedy.

It muſt not be a modern one then—You are deviliſh handſome, Kate—Kiſs me

Oh oh! are you thereabouts, my lord duke? That may do very well bye-and-bye; However, you'll never find me behind hand.

Stand of, you are a commoner—Nothing under no⯑bility approaches Kitty.

You are ſo deviliſh proud of your nobiliy; Now I think, we have more true nobility than you—Let me tell you Sir, a knight of the ſhire

A knight of the ſhire! ha, ha, ha! a mighty ho⯑nour, truly, to repreſent all the fools in the county.

O Lud this is charming, to ſee two nobleman quarrel.

Why, any fool may be born to a title, but only a wiſe man can make himſelf honourable.

Well ſaid, Sir Harry, that is good morillity.

I hope you make ſome difference between hereditary honours and the huzzas of a mob.

Very ſmart, my lord; Now, Sir Harry—

If you make uſe of your hereditary honour to ſcreen you from debt.

Zounds, Sir, what do you mean by that?

Hold, hold! I ſhall have ſome fine old noble blood ſpilt here—Ha' done, Sir Harry;

Not I; Why, he is always valuing himſelf upon his upper houſe.

We have dignity.

But what becomes of your dignity, if we refuſe the ſupplies?

Peace, peace; Here's lady Bab.

Dear lady Bab

Mrs Kitty, your ſervant. I was afraid of taking cold, and ſo ordered the chair down ſtairs. Well, and how do you do? My lord duke your ſervant and Sir Harry too your's

Your ladyſhip [...]s devoted.

I am afraid I have treſpaſſed in point of time

But I got into my favourite author,

Yes, I found her ladyſhip at her ſtudies this morning. Some wicked poem—

O you wretch? I never read but one book.

What is your ladyſhip ſo fond of?

Shikſpur. Did you never read Shikſpur?

Shikſpur! Shikſpur! Who wrote it? No, I never read Shikſpur.

Then you have an immenſe pleaſure to come.

Well then, I'll read it over one afternoon or other. Here's lady Charlotte.

Dear lady Charlotte!

Oh, Mrs. Kitty, I thought I never ſhould have rea [...]h'd your houſe. Such a fit of the cholic ſeixed me. Oh, lady Bab, how long has your lady ſhip been here? My chair⯑men were ſu [...]h drones. My lord duke! the pink of all good bleeding.

O ma'am

And Sir Harry! Your ſervant, Sir Harry.

Madam your ſervant. I am ſorry to hear your ladyſhip has been Il

You muſt give me leave to doubt the ſincerity of that ſorrow, Sir. Remember the Park.

I'll explain that affair madam.

I want none of your exp [...]anations.

Dear lady Charlotte▪

No, ſir; I have obſerved your coldneſs of late, and deſpiſe you. A trumpery baronet?

I ſee how it is; nothing will ſatisfy you but no⯑bility. That fly dog the marques.

None of your reflections. Sir: The marquis is a perſon of honour, and above enquiring after a lady's fortune, as you mean [...]y did.

I, I, madam? I ſcorn ſuch a thing. I aſſure you madam. I never, that is to ſay Egad. I am confounded My lord duke, what ſhall I ſay to lier? Pray help me out.

Aſk her to ſhew her legs ha, ha, ha!

Here, my little peer, here is wine that will ennoble your [...]lood. Bo [...]h your ladyſhips moſt humble ſervant.

Both your ladyſhips moſt humble ſervant.

Why, Philip, you have made the boy drunk.

I have made him free of the cellar—ha, ha, ha!

Yes, I am free, I am very free.

He has had a ſmack of every ſort of wine, from hum⯑ble Port to imperial Tokay.

Yes, I have been drinking Kokay.

Go, get you ſome ſleep child, that you may wait on his lordſhip bye-and-bye.

Thank you madam—I will certainly wait on their lordſhips, and their ladyſhips too.

Well, ladies, what ſay you to a dance, and then to ſupper?

A dance, a dance:

With ſubmiſſion, the country dances bye-and-bye.

Ay, ay, French dances before ſupper, and coun⯑try dances after. I beg the duke and Mrs. Kitty may give us a minute.

Dear lady Charlotte, conſider my poor gout. Sir Harry will oblige us.

Minuet, Sir Harry—minuet, Sir Harry.

What minute would your honours pleaſe to have?

What minute!—Let me ſee—Play Marſhal thing⯑umbob's minuet.

A minute by Sir Harry and Kitty, aukward and conceited.

Mrs. Kitty dan [...]es ſweetly.

And Sir Harry delightfully.

Well enough for a commoner.

Come now to ſupper. A gentleman and a lady—Here, fiddler,

wait without.

Yes, an't pleaſe your honour.

We will ſet the wine on the table. Here is Claret, Burgundy, and Champaign, and a bottle of Tokay for the ladies, There are tickets on every bottle. If any gentleman chooſes Port—

Port!—Tis only f [...]t for a Dram.

Lady Bab what ſhall I ſend you? Lady Charlotte, pray be free: The more free the more welcome, as they ſay in the country. The gentlemen will be ſo good as to take care of themſe [...]ves.

Lady Charlotte, "Hob or Nob."

Don—my lord—in Burgundy, if you pleaſe.

Here's your ſweetheart and mine, and the friends of the company.

Come, ladies and gentlemen, a bumper all round I have a health for you. "Here is to the amendment of our ma [...]ers and miſtreſſes."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ladies, pray what is your opinion of a ſingle gentle⯑man's ſervice?

Do you mean an old ſingle gentleman?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

My lord duke your toaſt.

Lady Betty—

Oh no▪ A health and a ſentiment.

A health and a ſentiment! No, no, let us have a ſong; Sir Harry your ſong.

Would you have it? Well then Mrs Kitty, we muſt call upon you. Will you honour my muſe?

A ſong a ſong; ay ay, Sir Harry's Song Sir Harry's ſong.

A ſong to be ſure—but firſt—preludo

Pray, gentleman put it about

See how the devils kiſs.

I am really hoarſe; but, hem: I muſt clear up my pipes. hem; This is Sir Harry [...]s ſong; being a new ſong, intitled and called, The Fell [...]w Servant; or, All in a Livery.

How do you like it, my lord duke?

It is a damn'd vile compoſition.

How ſo?

O very low ! very low indeed!

Can you make a better?

I hope ſo.

That is very conceited.

What is conceited you ſcoundrel?

Scoundrel? You are a raſcal.—I'll pull you by the noſe.

Look ye, friend, don't give yourſelf airs, and make a diſturbance among the ladies. If you are a gentleman, name your weapons.

Weapons! What you will. Piſtols.

Done. Behind Montague houſe.

Done, with ſeconds.

Done—

Oh, for ſhame, gentlemen! My lord duke—Sir Harry, the ladies! fie.

What the devil can that be Kitty

Who can it poſſibly be?

Kingſton, run up ſtairs and peep.

It ſounds like my maſter's rap. Pray heaven it be not he!

Well, Kingſton what is it?

It is maſter and Mr. Freeman. I peep'd thro' the key hole, and ſaw them by the lamp light. Tom has juſt let them in.

The devil he has! What can have brought him back?

No matter what, away with the things.

Away with the wine, away with the plate. Here, coachman, cook. Cloe, Kingſton, bear a hand. Out with the candles, away, away.

What ſhall we do? What ſhall we do?

Run up ſtairs, ladies.

No, no, no! He'll ſee you then.

What the devil had I to do here!

Pox take it, face it out.

Oh no; theſe Weſt Indians are very fiery.

I would not have him ſee any of you for the world.

Philip: Where's Philip?

Oh the devil he's certainly coming down ſtairs. Sir Harry, run down into the cellar. My lord duke, get into the pantry. Away away!

No, no, do you put their ladyſhips into the pantry, and I'll take his grace into the coal hole.

Any where any where. Up the chimney, if you will.

There in with you.

Philip, Philip,

Coming ſir.

Kitty have you never a good book to be reading of?

Yes here is one.

Egad, this is black Monday with us. Sit down ſeem [22] to read your book. Here he is as drunk as a piper.

Philip the ſon of Alexander the great, where are all my Myrmidons? What the devil makes you up ſo early this morning?

He is very drunk indeed (Aſide.) Mrs Kitty and I had [...] good book, your honour.

Ay, ay, they have been well employed, I dare ſay ha, ha, ha!

Come ſit down Freeman. Lie you there (Lays his piſtols down.) I come a little unexpectedly; perhaps Philip.

A good ſervant is never afraid of being caught Sir.

I have ſome accounts that I muſt ſettle.

Accounts, ſir! To night?

Yes to night; I find myſelf perfectly clear. You ſhall ſee I'll ſe [...]tle them in a twinkling.

Your honour will go into the parlour?

No, I'll ſettle 'em all here.

Your honour muſt not ſit here.

Why not?

You will certainly take cold, Sir; the room has not been waſhed above an hour.

What a curſed, lie that is!

Philip, Philip, Philip.

Pox take you! hold your tongue.

You have juſt nick'd them in the very minute.

I find I have, Mum (Aſide to Freeman.) Get ſome wine, Philip (Exit Philip.) Though I muſt eat ſomething before I drink, Kitty, what have you got in the pantry!

In the pantry? L [...]d, your honour! we are at board⯑wages.

I could eat a morſel of cold meat,

You ſhall have it. Here (Riſes.) Open the pantry-door I'll be about your board wages. I have treated you often, now you ſhall treat your maſter.

If I may be believed ſir, there is not a ſcrap of any thing in the world in the pantry.

Well then, we muſt be contented Freeman. Let us have a cruſt of bread and a bottle of wine

Sir, had not my maſter better go to bed?

Bed! not I. I'll ſit here all night, 'Tis very pleaſant and nothing like variety in life.

Mrs. Kitty Mrs Kitty

Peace on your life

Kitty what voice is that?

Nobody, ſir. Hem

(Philip brings wine.) Soh, very well, Now do you too march off; march off, I ſay.

We can't think of leaving your hono [...]r, for egad if we do, we are undone,

Begone—My ſervice to you, Freeman this is good [...]uff

Excellent.

We are undone; undone

Oh, that is the dukes damned rappee.

Didn't you hear a noiſe Charles?

Somebody ſneezed, I thought.

Damn it there are thieves in the houſe. I'll be a⯑mong 'em.

Lack-a-day ſir, it was only the car. They ſometimes ſneeze for all the world like a Chriſtian. Here, Jack, Jack, He has got a cold ſir, puſs, puſs.

A cold! then I'll cure him Here, Jack, Jack, puſs puſs

Your honour won't be to raſh. Pray, your honour don't—

Stand off. Here, Freeman here's a barrel for buſineſs with a brace of ſlugs, and well primed as you ſee; Freeman I'll hold you five to four, nay, I'll hold you two to one, I hit the cat through the key hole of that pantry door.

Try, try; but I think it impoſſible.

I am a damned good markſman.

Now for it!

Who the devil are all theſe? One, two, three, four

They are particular friends of mine Sir; ſervants to ſome nobleman in the neighbourhood.

I told you there were thieves in the houſe.

Ha, ha, ha!

I aſſure your honour they have been entertained at our own expence, upon my word.

Yes, indeed your honour, if it was the laſt word I had to ſpeak.

Take up that bottle. (Philip takes up a bottle with a ticket to it, and is going off.) Bring it back. Do you uſually entertain your company with Tokay Monſieur?

I, Sir, treat with wine!

O yes, from humble port to imperial Tokay too. Yes I love [...] Kokay.

How! Jemmy, my maſter!

Jemmy! the devil!

Your honour is at preſent in liquor but in the morning when your honour is recovered I will ſet all to rights again.

(Changing his countenan [...].) We'll ſet all to r [...]ghts now. There I am ſober at your ſervice. What have you to ſay, Philip. (Philip ſtarts.) You may well ſtart. Go get out of my ſight.

Sir I have not the honour to be known to you, but I have the honour to ſerve his grace the duke of—

And the imprudence familiarly to aſſume his title. Your grace will give me leave to tell you, that is the door and if you ever enter there again, I aſſure you, my lord duke. I will break every bone in your grace's ſkin. Begone.

(Aſide.) Low bred fellows!

I beg their ladyſhips pardon; perhaps they cannot go without chairs ha ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha?

This comes of viſiting commoners.

They are downright Hottenpots.

I hope your honour will not take away our bread.

"Five hundred pounds will ſet you up in a chocolate houſe. You'll ſhine in the [...] madam." I have been an eye witneſs of your roguery, extravagance, and ingratitude.

Oh, Sir good ſir!

You madam, may ſtay here till to morrow morning. And there madam, is the book you lent me, which I beg you'll read "night and morning before you ſay your prayers."

I am ruined and undone.

But you Sir, for your villany, and (what I hate worſe) your hypocriſy, ſhall not ſtay a minute longer in the houſe; and here comes an honeſt man to ſhew you the way but. Your keys, ſir.

Tom, I reſpect and value you. You are an honeſt ſervant and ſhall never want encouragement. Be ſo good, Tom as to [...] that gentleman out of my houſe

and then take charge of the cellar and plate.

I thank your honour; but I would not riſe on the ruin of a fellow ſervant.

No remonſtrance Tom, it ſhall be as I ſay.

What a curſed fool have I been.

Well Charles, I [...] thank you for my frolic— it has been a wholeſome one to me. Have I done right?

Entirely. No judge could have determined bett [...] As you puniſh the bad, it was but juſtice to reward the good.

A faithful ſervant is a worthy character.

But what an inſufferable piece of aſſurance is it [...] ſome of theſe fellows to affect and imitate their maſters manner.

What manners muſt thoſe be which they can imitate

True.

If perſons of rank would act up to their own ſtandard it would be impoſſible that their ſervants could ape them. But when they affect every thing that is rid [...]culous, it will be in the power of any low creature to follow their example.