THE DRAMATIC PUFFERS,

BY this light but it is—What! Bill Breeze!

Ah! my gentle Zephyr!

Why, where have you hid yourſelf?—But I beg par⯑don—

Oh, I make no ſecret of my ſituations; I've been obliged to lodge for a few weeks on the other ſide of the water; it was forcibly recom⯑mended to me by a doctor well ſkilled in con⯑ſumptive caſes.

And you find yourſelf the better for it?

Amazingly; for I've now got rid of all thoſe lurking ſymptoms which are the too frequent at⯑tendants on genius, and letters.—So, I find they have had ſome flogging work over both courſes in my abſence: the different ſtuds have been run hard, eh!

Hard?—puff'd all round;—ſcarce a leg to ſtand on!

As the knowing ones have been taken in, you touch'd a little, Breeze, I hope!

Not a ducat!—No, Zephyr, all my proſpects fell with the coalition;—at the beginning of the ſeaſon, indeed, I offered my ſervices here;—but I was delicately told—that authors now-a-days took upon themſelves the diſagreeable taſk of criticizing their own pieces; and at as to the ordinary buſineſs of the theatre, a gentleman of eſtabliſhed reputa⯑tion had undertaken to do the whole upon a ſtanding contract!

Ay; I ſuppoſe I ſhould have met with ſimilar neglect on the other ſide of the way, if it had not been for my new invented play-houſe machine.

Play-houſe machine! a kind of theatrical Buza⯑glo, I ſuppoſe, occaſionally to keep the houſe warm?

Oh, no! you'll never gueſs it;—will you promiſe me the moſt profound ſecrecy?

'Pon my honour—

Why, then, you muſt know I call it (and I think rather aptly)—I call it—an Applauder!

An Applauder?

Yes, an Applauder; a mechanical improvement on the vulgar art of manucuſſion; by which one man, with the ſimple winch of a barrel-organ, ſhall give a more mark'd and judicious applauſe, than can poſſibly be derived from any ſtationary band of hireling clappers!

Egad that is a happy invention!—but pray, Zephyr, wont it tend in ſome meaſure to counteract the real plaudits of an impartial audience?

Oh, quite the contrary; for as clapping, like gaping, is nothing more than an involuntary accordance of muſ⯑cular motion, I will engage, my dear Breeze,—barring rheumatic and gouty caſes,—to carry every hand on any particular occaſion, in uniſon with my Applauder.

A very capital idea upon my ſoul!

Beſides, I don't ſee why the benefit of it may not be extended to the performers; then you know the actors and actreſſes of a certain natural diffidence, need not ſo often be laid up, by the chilling damps of ſilent admiration!

Certainly my dear friend.—But when will it come out Zephyr?

Almoſt immediately; the firſt eſſay was to have been made on a late muſical occaſion; but the author and compoſer, not being able to ſettle which of the parts deſerved the "moſt deciſive burſts of univerſal applauſe," the machine was laid by, and the matter left as uſual to the deciſion of hands.

And ſo you are come here, I ſuppoſe to offer it alſo to this Houſe?

Oh, no, I have convey'd away the copy-right; and the managers of both Theatres are now contending for an excluſive patent.

Ha! ha! ha! Do you do any thing in the parlia⯑tary way now, Zephyr?

Not a metaphor! that branch fell to nothing when gentlemen firſt ſubmitted to the fatigue of carrying their own FLOWERS to market!—No, having a little [12] leiſure upon my hands, the prompter ſaid he would recommend me as diurnal colouriſt to the young author of this night's piece.

That's droll enough! why, I am waiting here myſelf in hopes of procuring a ſimilar employ.

Indeed! why, then, if that's the caſe, ſuppoſe we conduct the matter jointly, and ſhare the profits?

With all my heart:—ſo, if you'll undertake to waft him through the pacific ocean of the mi⯑niniſterial prints, I'll engage—but ſoft; here, I fancy, comes the young author;—and a martial one I ſee by his appearance.

It's ſtrange I ſhould never be able to catch thoſe ſcene-painting gentry!—Wild ſaid they would meet me here at half paſt five;

[13] I fear we ſhall not arrange the ſcene for the laſt act before the piece begins—

Oh, gentlemen, I'm glad we've met at laſt.

Mr. Wild, Sir, I take it for granted—

Yes; but he ſays we've not a moment to loſe!

True, Sir, I thought you'd be in a hurry, ſo we took care to be prepared.

I'm glad of it; and how do you intend—

Why, Sir, as it's a firſt attempt, and times are tickliſh, I don't think it adviſeable to give any thing too highly colour'd at preſent, and therefore I have ſketch'd ſomething in the oblique way, which I con⯑ceive however will have a fine effect.

I underſtand you; in the ſide wing way; but in that caſe how ſhall we diſplay the performers to ad⯑vantage?

Oh, dear Sir, never fear them; they are able, and willing enough to take care of themſelves!

Well, for my part, I think there is nothing like a good bold outline at once, to take in the flats.

Well gentlemen, I'm indifferent whether the ſcene be a flat, or an oblique one, provided its effect be ſtrik⯑ingly convey'd to the galleries.

Oh, lud Sir, make yourſelf perfectly eaſy on that ſcore;—my deſigns

are cal⯑culated for all claſſes;

there Sir, juſt run your eye over that; I think that will reach the Gods, or the Devil's in it!

"A new conſtellation of reſplendent brilliancy, illumin'd the theatrical hemiſphere laſt night; the dramatic magi"—

What am I to underſtand by this?

Probably, Sir, you'll like that better, from the delicacy of the keeping.

"The genius of comedy perhaps never was ſo illuſtriouſly diſplay'd"—Why, what the devil is all this, gentlemen?

Lud, Sir, don't you know? why, puffs to be ſure;—puffs, and as good as any home made ones—that you'll find in the circle of your dramatic friends, depend on't.

Puffs?—

Yes, puffs, Sir: an airy inſinuating kind of ſyſ⯑tem, which, though generally deſpis'd, is more ge⯑nerally practis'd; that has the addreſs to baffle the whole five ſenſes, and carry all its points in ſpite of conviction!

Indeed! is that the caſe?

To be ſure, Sir!

No doubt, Sir:—it's what may be emphatically termed the foil-ſtone of fame; which, like the mock jewel of the ſtage, never fails to out-glare the mo⯑deſt ſparkling diamond!—

And pray, gentlemen, to whom am I indebted for theſe ſingular obligations?—Your name, if you pleaſe?

My name! Breeze, Sir; I'm not aſham'd of my name.

—Billy Breeze, No. 300, at the braſs knocker, Air-ſtreet, Piccadilly.

And your's, worthy Sir?

Zephyr, Sir, at your ſervice.

And are not you, Meſſrs. Zephyr and Breeze, a co⯑genial couple of pitiful paraſites?

Lud, Sir!

Fly hence, ye raſcally retailers of ill founded repu⯑tation! and by that means ſave your bones:—how⯑however humble my genius may prove, know, that it ſcorns to ſoar upon the wretched pinion of Grub⯑ſtreet Proſtitution!

Sir, This is no place, Sir—no place—but we'll find one, depend on't—

Yes, Sir,—we'll tickle—

The ſcene for the laſt act is ſettled; ſo, if you pleaſe, Sir, we'll ring in.

By all means.