TOBY's DIALOGUE With his KINSMAN, &c.

COME, Come, Mr. Toby, Mr. Ironſides offers very fair; and if you don't come to an Accommoda⯑tion, what will the World ſay of you?

Tell not me of Offers, Accommoda⯑tion, and the World: I ſay poſitively I will not hear of any Reconciliation, till he ſhall make me ſuch Propoſals as may agree with my Safety and Honour. And therefore I do inſiſt that Fort A—n be demoliſh'd, and that, for our Security during the Negotiation, it be put into the Hands of the Sieurs Tooke and Barber: And if he refuſe to do this, I am de⯑termin'd to hold it out, and fight it to the laſt. Vid. Cat.

But Sir, conſider a little. You began this Paper-War with no other View but ſup⯑porting the Ballance of Pamphleteering; and you have now, as is evident, reduc'd old [4] Ironſides to ſo low a Condition, that perhaps he may be glad upon any reaſonable Terms, to put an End to this long and bloody War: yet, Sir, whether his Pen is ſo far ſubdued, whether it be wrought by ill Succeſs to ſuch a Submiſſion, Vid. Cat. is what I mightily doubt of. Conſider, Sir, I beſeech you, what a deal of Money that ſtrong Fort has coſt him; how he has perpetually annoy'd you from that Coaſt, and—

Sir, you may talk till Doomſday if you pleaſe; but I ſhall make you no other Reply than Fort Ad—ſon, Fort Ad—ſon.

All this is tow'ring Frenzy and Diſtra⯑ction; Vid. Cat. and you talk as if you were ſure of holding Fortune by the Forelock, and of go⯑ing down to the Grave with the Reputation you have now eſtabliſh'd, whereas there is nothing ſo difficult and uncertain; Of this, the Perſon you now ſo much deſpiſe is a freſh Inſtance. How did the Force of his Pen in a few Months over-run your whole Country? Did he not in three Weeks time take the ſtrong Towns of Fenwick and Cocoa, Politick Coffee-Houſes u⯑ſed by the Tories and where Mr. Ironſides us'd to go formerly and diſ⯑pute. with many others. Did he not attempt to force the Examiner, that brave and experienc'd General, out of his Lines; and was he not very near effecting it? This ſhould learn you, Sir, ſome Humility, and to put an end to your extravagant Way of Talking. Be⯑ſides, Remember, Sir,

[5] Now you have obtain'd this End you ſhould hearken to Reaſon, or elſe the impartial World will ſay — and —

When Fort A—ſon is once in my Hands, I will then ſend him ſome Propoſals, which I think fit to make him ſubſcribe as Prelimi⯑naries to our Treaty. As Firſt, Sir.

1. The Town of Button, The Cof⯑fee-houſe uſed by Ironſides, &c. now Garriſon'd by Wits, ſhall be yielded up in the Condition 'tis now in, with all its Dependences.

2. The ſaid Garriſon ſhall have free leave to carry off their Effects, but they ſhall not meddle with ſuch Wit as belongs to the In⯑habitants of the ſaid Town.

3. That the Garriſon may march out with their Pens in their Hands, each Man allow'd two Charges, with a Sheet of fine Fools-cap Paper.

4. All commanding Wits may be allow'd to carry off as much Wool in their Hats as they ſhall think fitting; but the ſaid Officers and commanding Wits ſhall not carry off any Wooll in a clandeſtine Manner, nor tranſport more than what ſhall be allow'd by this pre⯑ſent Treaty, to any Dutch Coffee-houſe within our Dominions.

5. That no waſt be committed upon ſuch Oak as is now ſtanding within the Liberties of the ſaid Town; but it ſhall be and is here⯑by lawful, for each Paſtoral Writer to carry off a large Beach.

6. That all ſick and wounded Wits may remain three Months in the Town of But⯑ton, [6] counting from the Time of ſigning this Treaty; and that it ſhall be lawful for them to ſend for Dr. G—, provided the ſaid Dr. G— ſhall give good Security before ſuch Perſons as we ſhall appoint, that he will not at any time, nor upon any Conſideration whatſoever, offer to preſcribe to any of our Subjects: And alſo that the ſaid Doctor ſhall not go arm'd with any Epigram or Panegy⯑rick; but that it ſhall be lawful for the ſaid Doctor to wear what Epilogues and Songs he ſhall think fit, provided the ſaid Epi⯑logues and Songs be neither lewd nor blaſ⯑phemous.

7. If at any time it ſhall happen, that a⯑ny Diſpute or Quarrel ſhall ariſe between any of our Guards, Officers, or Domeſticks, i.e. Footmen, and the ſaid Mr. Ironſides, we do declare that we will not intermeddle in ſuch Diſputes or Quarrels, but freely permit the Sieur Ironſides to purſue the ſaid Quarrel, as he ſhall think fit, provided it be with ſuch Decency as is uſually obſerv'd among Foot⯑men.

8. We do alſo inſiſt, that all Free-thinkers. i.e. Atheiſts, now inhabiting Villa Graeca, do forthwith depart from our Dominions; and that the ſaid Villa be demoliſh'd in ſuch Time and Manner as the Sieur B—ly ſhall think fit.

9. That the Province of Scandal be erect⯑ed into a Principality, and ſettled upon our dear Kinſman and Ally, Abel Roper, and [7] his Heirs for ever. That the ſaid Heredi⯑tary Succeſſion be not invaded by Mr. Iron⯑ſides either directly or indirectly, by Word or Writing; and that for the better Security, the Expreſſions, Criſis, publick Spirit, liberal Education, grave Man of Buſineſs, as wiſe the beſt, &c. be hereafter never made uſe of, unleſs in company with three or more Wits of his own Party, in which caſe it ſhall be allow'd to commend himſelf as much as he ſhall think fit; and the ſaid Wits alſo may be allow'd to believe as much as they ſhall judge neceſſary.

10. That the Sieur Jacob, Librarian and Stationer to the Town of Button, be per⯑mitted to reſide in the ſaid Town, till ſuch time as he ſhall have ſold off all his Effects, excepting ſuch as ſhall be ſpecify'd Contra⯑band Goods by the preſent Treaty; as all Ambaſſadreſs's Speeches, &c.

11. That the ſaid Sieur Jacob be not per⯑mitted to erect any publick Booth or Stage, or expoſe to Sight any Lions, Bears, or o⯑ther Monſters; but that it ſhall be lawful for the ſaid Sieur Jacob to keep open Houſe on the Fifth of November, and dance him⯑ſelf for the Diverſion of any Number of Kit-Kats or Kitlings not exceeding Forty.

12. It ſhall alſo be permitted to the ſaid Jacob to aſſiſt at the Buying, Dreſſing, and burning the Pope, Pretender, and as many Cardinals as ſhall be thought neceſſary, pro⯑vided the ſaid Pope, Pretender, and Cardi⯑nals, [8] be bought, dreſs'd and burnt by an e⯑qual Aſſeſſment; and that there be always two or more antient and grave Perſons, of any Quality not exceeding an E. to take care that there be no Riot or Indecency com⯑mitted at the ſaid Solemnity.The D. of Mon—ue bought a whole Pope at his own charge, which was ſeiz'd by the Secre⯑tary of State.

13. It ſhall not be permitted to burn Dr. Sacheverell, but it may be, and is here⯑by lawful to burn the Reverend Dr. T—p, provided the ſaid Kitlings will conſent to burn two or more Preface Writers in com⯑pany with him.

14. Laſtly we do inſiſt, that the Engliſh⯑man, alias Ironſides, do at his own Expence, cauſe forthwith to be printed, a new Edi⯑tion of Cato, with a large Margin, and a Hand in the ſaid Margin, pointing to ſuch Lines in the ſaid Play, which in any way belong to the D. of M. and alſo there ſhall be another Hand of a different make, which ſhall declare what Lines in the ſaid Play do belong to Us, or to our Kinſman and dear Ally Abel Roper. We do alſo declare that the ſaid Edition ſhall in a very ſincere and open manner, i.e. without any Equivoca⯑tion, or mental Reſervation, declare at what Lines in the ſaid Tragedy of Cato the Sieur Engliſhman, alias Ironſides, with his Follow⯑ers, did not think fit to make a Noiſe, v.g. over-againſt the Verſe,

[9] it ſhall be expreſly ſaid, No Clap, but a great Melancholy, and ſome little Confuſion.

ITEM

Another melancholy Look. Ditto in two or three other Places, which we think fit to reſerve for the General Treaty. But at

ſhall be a great Stamp, follow'd with a Clap of two Minutes long.

ITEM at

ſhall be printed, Biggeſt Clap, with a N.B. that ſeveral Kitlings ſwooned, and that Nic. L—mere was carried off for dead.

N.B. That in the ſaid Play we do think fit to reſerve to our own Uſe all ſuch Lines as ſhall make mention of any laborious Vir⯑tue, v.g. Toil, Hard Watching, Abſtinence, Want of Food, &c.

And now, Sir, upon theſe Preliminaries I will conſent to a Treaty, and not otherwiſe.

Modeſtly offer'd, truly—Pray what do you take Mr. Ironſides for, that you ſhould think he would ever condeſcend to ſuch Conditions.

Take him for, why for one of Mr. Con⯑greve's odd Fellows, with a great deal of your little ſort of Wit, or if you pleaſe to let me give you his Character plainer, for one who vainly imagines to become, from a Bankrupt in Poetry, a Haberdaſher in Politicks; or if this wont do, I am ſure he's like one of thoſe Wiſe Men who laugh at a Fool's Advice, which, God knows, is ſometimes as fit to be follow'd, as that of a Wit's.

Why, Sir, I pray do you know of any Fool that can help out our Friend at a dead Lift; for Faith, as Affairs ſtand, he ſeems to want it.

Yes that I do, and as I am a publick⯑ſpirited Man, and of a liberal Education, I think my ſelf bound to tell you, and it is, Sir, the Fool in Lear.

And what ſays he?

Say—why he ſays, Let go thy Hold, when a great Wheel runs down Hill, leſt it break thy Neck by following; but the great one which goes upwards, let it draw thee after. And then continues he, When a Wiſe Man gives you better Counſel, give me mine again.

Why truly I am of the Fool's Opini⯑on, and ſhould be glad if others would not deſpiſe it; but do you think, Sir, that Mr. Ironſides, who has been well bred, a good Scholar, and a topping Wit, will ever ſtrike Sail to a Fool.

I know not that, but I am ſure now's the Criſis, and the Remedy may prove too late, if deferred: Therefore prithee go to him, and, as from your ſelf, offer him ſome wholeſome Counſel,—it's pity the poor Fellow ſhould be thrown away.

E'en go your ſelf for me, for I have done with him: It was but on Monday laſt when I went to ſee him at his Lodgings, in hopes to perſwade him to a Peace with you; but—.

But what?

What; nay I am almoſt aſham'd to tell you; but when I knockt at the Door, his Servant told me his Maſter was at home, but not ſtirring; and it was then paſt Eleven: That he had had but a very bad Night.—I was afraid indeed he might have drunk ſome very bad Wine, or eat ſomething that did not agree with him, ſomewhat too courſe for a Gentleman of a fine Education; but his Servant ſoon ſet me right, telling me he was ſure his Maſter had had ſome Quarrel over Night, for that he often ſtarted, and call'd out upon Toby and the Examiner, talk'd much of Hereditary [12] Right, and ever and anon would cry out, Oh Ad—n! and wilt thou leave me thus? Upon which account I immediately came away, giving a ſtrict Charge that all Swords, Piſtols and Penknives, ſhould be taken from him; and in coming back—Do you ſee this? His Head was broke in going to viſit Mr. S—le.

Ay! How came you by it?

Why, by a Riot, which I very un⯑fortunately fell into at my coming out of his Houſe: For you muſt know, the Street where he lives is very far gone from the Doctrine he perpetually harrangues them with; and 'tis ten to one if you paſs it with⯑out meeting with ſome publick ſpirited Cob⯑ler or Taylor, who very inſolently will give you a Juſtle into the Kennel, ſhou'd you offer at a Queſtion, he immediately tells you, 'tis his Duty, calls you Tory, damns you for a Jacobite, and ſo goes about his Bu⯑ſineſs. Nay, even the Conſtables of his Pa⯑riſh have drunk ſo deep of his Cup, that they make no ſcruple to declare to you, that, as they are Conſtables they are accountable to no Man; but that all England is account⯑able to them; and this they will tell you with an Air of Inſolence. All which is to go for nothing, becauſe forſooth at the End they cry, God bleſs the Houſe of Hanover; as if it were impoſſible to ſay ſo, without being impertinent, ſawcy and troubleſome, and ſomewhat elſe which deſerves a worſe Name. And now I know where Mr. Iron⯑ſides [13] had his accountable and unaccountable.

No, no, I tell you the Conſtable had it of Mr. Ironſides, and not Mr. Ironſides of the Conſtable; tho' the Conſtable indeed is one that underſtands publick Affairs very well. Beſides, Mr. Ironſides does not abſolutely ſay, that he is not accountable to any body whatſoever, but that he is not accountable ſo far as he is a Member of Parliament, or rather ſo long as he ſhall be. Out of that Capacity he well knows he is accountable, how much, and to whom, and that as ſoon as he ſhall ceaſe to be the Repreſen⯑tative of Stockbridge, and how ſoon that will happen, God knows. This Account muſt begin—

Well, I'll take care and diſtinguiſh. You ſee however the Conſtable will have no Reſerve. But tell me, Mr. Toby, for you are a very generous Enemy, will you not have ſome Pity, when that Day ſhall come?

What Day?

Why the Day of Accounts.—Poor Mr. Ironſides! how will he then wiſh his publick Spirit had been leſs, and his private Oeconomy more; That he had never heard of Dunkirk; That he had never known the Importance of it. And—

How will he then wiſh he had retir'd betimes

His Qualification, if he has any, would have been enough to have entitl'd him to the Office of Juſtice of Peace, and he might have liv'd and dy'd with a moderate Re⯑putation.

O Dunkirk, Dunkirk!

Ah! that curſed Port!—But why did he not mind his Buſineſs, and leave Po⯑liticks to thoſe who knew what to do with them: I had not then meddled with him. But let him thank himſelf for it, I have waſht my Hands.

Well, I wiſh to God he would ac⯑cept of your Offers, tho' they are hard, and come to a friendly Compoſition, for really he has been a Fellow of pretty Parts.

Has been—True.—but is no more. We allow, as a Tatler or Spectator, or as he was now and then, a Piece of one, he had much Merit.

And this is the beſt Advice I can give him, which if he will do, and grant me my Pre⯑liminaries, with a very little more which I intend to ask, he ſhall have Peace and Reſt; if not—

But, Mr. Toby, are you ſure Mr. Iron⯑ſides is fallen ſo low?

Fallen! ay, ay, prithee look on this.

Hey de, what's here?

Vil⯑lain, Knave, Rogue, Fort, Dunkirk, Buſi⯑neſs, all for the Pretender, an undeniable Ar⯑gument, my Duty, true Light, Houſe of Ha⯑nover, Succeſſion and Conſtitution, &c. Why this is never Mr. S—l.

Nay, if you can get any body elſe to Father it, I am miſtaken.

What, this Mr. Ironſides?

Ay, even That—You may look as wild as you pleaſe, ſo it is—‘"And alas, poor Yorrick! I knew him, Horatio, a Fellow of infinite Jeſt, moſt excellent Fancy: He has born me upon his Back a Thouſand times, and how abhorr'd my Imagination is now, my Gorge riſes at it.—Where be your Gibes now? your Gamballs, your Songs, your Flaſhes of Merriment, that were wont to ſet the Table in a Roar?—Quite chap-fallen, &c.’ And [16] thus, Sir, going a little farther, perhaps we may trace the mighty Ironſides, till we find him ſtopping a Bung-hole.

Now you are too curious, Toby.

No, no: Faith I only do it to ſhew you to how vile Uſes we may return.

By this laſt Speech, Mr. Toby, it plainly appears the Engliſhman is quite dead.

The World, perhaps, may take him for a dead Man, and to ſay the Truth, ma⯑ny an honeſt Man has been buried without half this Splutter; but you muſt know Mr. Ironſides can diei.e. be dull with a Deſign. Vid. Spec. when he pleaſes for Eight or Ten Days, and be never the worſe for it: But be aſſur'd, whenever this Fancy comes into his Head, there's ſome plaguy Plot at the bottom.

Come, Mr. Toby, never fear his riſing again, Clamatum eſt; ſo e'en a done with your Treaty. What! you won't negotiate with a dead Man.

I tell you he is not dead, he is only dozing a little, that his Wit may awake like Cato's Soul.

Away, you are too ſevere now, what can't Mr. Add—n eſcape you? But, Sir, give me leave to tell you, if you go on at this rate to play the Ridicule with Shake⯑ſpear, [17] and patch up a Buffoon from the Tags of Sentences, no one is ſecure. And will any one think you ſit tame under ſuch an Indignation? In the Name of common Senſe, what do you take Mr. S—l's Publick Spirit for?

Take it for, why for the foul Fiend in Lear, which leads through Fire and through Flame, through Sword and Whirlpool, o'er Bog and Quagmire, that hath laid Knives under his Pillow, and which perhaps may lay a Halter in his Pue.

If this be the Caſe, for God's ſake ſome Charity for poor Dick, whom the fou Fiend vexes—But why eternally upon Plays?

Oh, becauſe 'tis the modiſh way of drawing a Character, and was firſt ſet on foot by a Gentleman that underſtands the World very well.

Enough, enough, I underſtand you; Him you mean, who drew his General from Cato.

Yes, and from Thunder and Light⯑ning, and Scipio, and a great Rock, and a deſtroying Angel, and from Hannibal, and him that beat Hannibal, and from two and thirty animate things, and inanimate with⯑out Number.

Well, I am glad however for one Reaſon; for now I ſhall never want ſome⯑thing to put me in mind of Mr. Ironſides, and I would not willingly forgot him: 'Tis [18] but turning over Shakeſpear. In the Come⯑dy of Errors I immediately ſhall find him, as alſo in Much ado about Nothing: but ſure I am, when I come to Love's Labour loſt, I ſhall then naturally think of the Importance of Dunkirk, which he writ only, as he kindly tells us, for the Love of his Fellow Subjects.

Importance of Dunkirk! away with that Traſh.

What is not every Man free to ſet up for a Politician, eſpecially when he is ſure of his own Sufficiency, and has all the Reaſon in the World to be under Horrible Expectations.

A Politician! yes, provided it be in his Study. He may there indeed pull down and erect, praiſe and condemn, and in ſhort, make a Conſtitution Hereditary or Elective, as he ſhall think fit; but I muſt inſiſt he has no Right openly to revile a Miniſtry, becauſe he likes not the Faces of thoſe that compoſe it, which perhaps may be as good as his own, tho' not yet in Print in Jacob's Shop. Beſides, Sir, every Man in his way: Mr. Iron⯑ſides underſtands Latin, underſtands the Claſ⯑ſics, has writ three Comedies alias Farces, has din'd with a great Lord, and been at the burning of ſeveral Popes; but what has this to do with Government? Mr. Dogget, I allow you may divert us in low Comedy, but can never make a tolerable Figure with [19] the Buskin and Truncheon—What, I be⯑ſeech you, would Mr. Ironſides think, if Will. Pinkethman ſhould take a fancy to play Ca⯑to, if at the beginning of the ſecond Act he ſhould rudely break in, and diſturb Mr. Booth, and his little Senate, and talk of his liberal Education, of his being a grave Man and fit for Tragedy, ſure neither He nor his Circle of Pupils could forgive ſuch an Impertinence.

Come, come, you are for ſtopping the Mouths of People, and reſtraining the Liberty of the Preſs; a ſure Sign, Mr. Toby, your Actions won't bear the Light.

As for ſtopping Mr. Ironſides's Mouth, I don't think it of moment enough to go a⯑bout it; but you know, Friend, it would be leſs offenſive, were it ſomewhat more clean⯑ly, therefore I'll compound for waſhing it.

Agreed, and when 'tis waſh'd, what would you have next.

Nay, provided it be clean, let him do what he will with it—But I ad⯑viſe him to return to his old inoffenſive way of Life.

What do you take him for a Spider? You know he never ſpun out of his own Bowels, or if he did, he cannot ſpin to Eternity.

Why e'en let him do as Spiders do, gather up his Web, and begin again.

How do you mean?

Mean, why ſince his Store is exhauſt⯑ed, let him give us the ſame a ſecond and a third time, that is, let him do as the Play⯑ers do, (for I cannot yet leave the Stage) ſtudy the Taſt of the Town, and repeat that ofteneſt which he finds goes down beſt: Let him daily put up a Bill, and declare what he intends for our Diverſion: As for Example, At the Shakeſpears Head on this preſent Tueſ⯑day, being the 16th of this Inſtant, will be reprinted my Tatler concerning Mohocks, or Whalebone Petticoats—Now and then he may put up, At the Deſire of ſeveral Perſons of Quality of the High-Church Party, will be preſented my Tatler about Atheiſts and Im⯑moraliſts: Or, At the Deſire of the Kit-cat Club will be ſhewn my Letter to a certain Lord, Reading a Peny, and no Money to be return'd after the firſt Paragraph is read—

All this is very pretty; but really, Sir, theſe Trifles are not for Senators, No, we ſhall hear from Mr. Ironſides in another manner—Mr. Ironſide's firſt Speech in Par⯑liament, come a half-peny a piece—Or elſe perhaps, Mr. Ironſide's Dying Speech, with a full Account of all thoſe Jacobites who paſs'd Sentence againſt him.

That's as it ſhall happen; but if they don't turn him out, Woe be to them; for he is about qualifying himſelf in ſuch a Manner as will ſoon make him terrible.

As how, I pray you?

Why 'tis ſaid he will ſet out arm'd Cap-a-pee; that is, Sir, he will have H—d-n's Eloquence, L—re's Modeſty, and W—le's Honeſty; if ſo, beware of Ironſides.

'Slife Man, if this be true, he muſt to the Tower, right or wrong, or what will become of the preſent Miniſtry? But more eſpecially what will become of the Lord and his Fool?

I know not that; but aſſure you, he ſhall have my Conſent to ſtay in; and more than that, you ſhall ſee I will take Leave of him in a very genteel Manner; and what⯑ever I may have ſhown him to be in this Di⯑alogue, I will allow him to be as follows—If this won't ſuffice let him give the Chal⯑lenge as ſoon as he ſhall make himſelf rea⯑dy, and have at him at Comedy, Tragedy, Panegyrick, Songs, Epigrams, Elegys, Catos, Ballads, and Lampoons. A clear Stage and no Quarter.