ACT I.

THIS is truly a curious whim of the Duke's to make Sancho a governor.

I like the fancy of all things, and can antici⯑pate in idea laughter without end from it. Sudden ele⯑vation too often makes the wiſe man forget himſelf, and become ridiculous; now I ſhall be glad to ſee what effect it will have upon a fool.

The beſt of the joke is, old Rodriguez, her Grace's woman, takes every thing ſeriouſly; and is en⯑raged to ſee a fellow like Sancho Panca dignified with the title of governor, whilſt nothing is done for her after ſo many years attendance on the Ducheſs.

Arn't you to be continually about his per⯑ſon?

Yes; but the Duke has not yet given me my inſtruſtions in full. I wiſh you had over-heard Don Quixote this morning, admoniſhing Sancho for degrading his rank, by ſcuffling with one of the grooms over the grid-iron, about a brown cruſt and a raſher of bacon; He lookt as fierce as the knight of the burning ſword, or the knight of the burning peſtle, whilſt the chop-fallen Governor hung his head, as if he expected every minute to be cut into mince-meat, or pounded to a jelly. In pity to poor Sancho at laſt I interpoſed, and reſcued his Excellency from a rib-roaſting.

As I am known to have pickt up a ſmattering of Latin, whilſt attending the Duke at Salamanca, I have been appointed ſtate phyſician to his Governor⯑ſhip.

The worſt character you could have aſſumed to appear gracious in Sancho's eye; he has a mortal averſion to phyſicians and lawyers, ſince his beloved Dapple had like to have been killed by the quackery of a horſe-doctor, and he himſelf ruined by the knavery of a petty-fogging attorney. I ſhould not be ſurprized if he commence his government by iſſuing a proclamation for the extinction of both profeſſions, ſentencing the members of each to hang up, and poiſon one another.

Hiſtory ſays, the cackling of a gooſe ſaved a whole nation in antient times, and may again in modern for ought we can tell to the contrary.

Theſe trumpets announce our new Governor receiving his commiſſion in form; for Heaven ſake let us ſee the ceremony.

By all means; I would not miſs it to be ap⯑pointed governor to an iſland in good earneſt.

Illuſtrious and renowned La Mancha, we hold ourſelves much honor'd by your viſit. Your reſolution ſtill to follow fortune, and add new laurels to your well won fame, we muſt commend, however it afflicts us;—and be allured, the choice we have made of your faithful 'ſquire, to fill a poſt of honour, truſt, and dignity, is chiefly owing to the high rank he has long held in your favour. Your patronage has rais'd him to our eſteeim and friendſhip.

Your Grace is truly noble. My lenſe of all your many favors tranſcends the power of utterance. I quit your territories, fill'd with ſentiments of your Grace, ſublime and awful. My faithful Sancho, I am well aſ⯑ſured, will never forfeit that confidence your Grace re⯑poſes [7]in him; ſhou'd he prove ingrate, no puniſhment wou'd be ſevere enough for his deſerts—no power with⯑hold my means to inflict it.

My worthy friend (to Sancho) proceed we now to your nomination.

'Sdeath, is that a look fit for a Governor? Hold up thy head for ſhame—his joy, my Lord, has ſo preſt upon his ſpirits, his tongue is not yet at liberty.

Know, all we here have made our choice.—Of Barataria be thou Governor, and thy commands be ab⯑ſolute.

Long live the noble Governor of Barataria.

Into your hands we put your new commiſſion, with our broad ſeal, which raiſes you to ſupreme autho⯑rity over our iſlanders.

And good care your Grace ſhall find I'll take of it; nobody ſhall ſteal this muffin from me

I'll lay my ſeal up at night, and my robes alſo, where no thieves ſhall come at them.

Oh! fortunate Sancho! Oh! moſt hap⯑py 'Squire! I greet thee,

And I,

And all of us.

Ah marry, Sir, this ſounds well indeed; there's no ſqueaking in this bagpipe; it's wonderful to think how merrily an aſs will trip up hill that's laden wiih gold.

Art thou now ſatisfied, that through my means thou haſt at laſt obtained thy long-lookt-for go⯑vernment?

I am, Sir; long-lookt-for come at laſt; bet⯑ter late than never; he who is obſtinate ſoon wears his coat threadbare; folly may hinder a man of many a good turn. I beſeech you, Sir, to pardon my proverbs, and thank the Duke there for his noble favour, which I do now reſolve to deſerve, by filling my place as well as I can.

Have the chief citizens, and leading men of the iſland, notice of their new Governor's approach?

They have, my Lord.

'Tis well. Is there ought elſe, our much-be⯑loved Sancho, in which myſelf, or the Ducheſs there, can honor thee?

Any thing in my power—the noble Gover⯑nor is ſure he may command, unleſs it be to give him leave to ſalute my woman Rodriguez before he departs for his government.

Salute me!—I'd ſee his Governorſhip hanged firſt.

Come, good words Rodriguez; there is a vaſt diſtinction now between you and Sancho; but to pre⯑vent that envy, and that inſult, his ſudden elevation may excite, be it known that henceforward, the commands of the Noble Don Sancho, be abſolute as my own through⯑out all my dominions.

Be it your care Rodriguez to ſee the ſquire is nobly treated.

Thank your nobleneſſes—then pray miſtreſs, ſince I find you have nothing to do, will you be ſo kind juſt to ſtep yonder into the court-yard, and you'll find a dapple grey aſs—do ſo much as ſee they tend him as well as my maſter's horſe, for 'tis a loving creature; I can't 'tend him myſelf by reaſon you ſee I have affairs here to mind.

Why, how now jackanapes, know you whom you talk to?—take that—

for your ill manners if you were fifty times a governor.

A guard! a guard! and bear her away to pri⯑ſon; I'll have the witch burnt alive for ſtriking a go⯑vernor.

Hold great governor—We feel the indignity ſhewn to your perſon, in as lively a manner as if it had been offered to our own.

And be aſſured this diſreſpect to us ſhall not go unpuniſhed.

Yet in conſideration of the offending party's ſex.—

Her ſex! I wiſh your grace had felt her fiſt—body of me! you'd have had your doubts about her ſex; do but look at it, its ſhaped like a ſhoulder of mutton, and comes down like a mallet.

I ſay in conſideration of her ſex, and that it is her firſt offence, we will not puniſh Rodriguez with that death, which ſhe ſo juſtly merits; but it is our high degree, that you inſtantly make proper conceſſion to wipe off the baſeaffront with which you have marked his countenance.

No more wipes, or marks, I beſeech your grace, from that lady in the countenance; however, leſt your grace ſhou'd think me an ill-natured fellow, in conſideration of Rodriguez's great age we forgive her.

I deſpiſe your forgiveneſs, Sirrah! upon any ſuch terms, my great age! my great age truely.

What ever doubts the hardneſs of her fiſt made me entertain of her ſex, are entirely removed—now I'm ſure ſhe's a woman, ſince, ſhe had rather die, than acknowledge herſelf an old one.

But come, friend Sancho; its time you depart to take poſſeſſion of your government, your ſubjects by this time expect you—

Then by all means Sancho begone; that governor who wou'd live happily himſelf—muſt firſt ſtudy the happineſs of his people.

I tell you what maſter of mine; the beſt governor that ever wore hair upon his chin, wont ſome⯑times be able to pleaſe his people; but I'll do the beſt I can; every man was n't born with a ſilver ſpoon in his mouth; but if after all nothing will do, why I'll e'en, leave them to themſelves, and waſh my hands of the government.

There are few governors, friend Sancho, when they retire from power, whoſe hands do not require a little cleaning; ſo wiſhing thee all health, and tranqui⯑lity in thy iſland, moſt noble governor adieu.

I yet muſt be a minute with my friend, I'll follow your grace inſtantly, at lenght my faithful 'Squire, I behold fortune reward thy long ſervices; yet 'ere I leave thee, attend to my admonitions, and I will be thy north ſtar, to pilot thy bark, and ſteer it into the harbour ſafety, and honor; firſt my Sancho.

I beſeech you, Sir, to ſpeak ſlowly—that I may keep pace with you; you know my underſtanding was always more for the trot, than the gollop—and I am but a chicken of a governor yet you know.

If thou wouldſt make thyſelf a proper governor, be careful of thy morals—to have, or to be thought to have morality, is extremely uſeful for a governor; if it were nothing but to be a ſkreen, that people might not pry too curiouſly into his conduct, and proceedings—not but that his actions ought to be ſuch, as will bear the ſtricteſt ſcrutiny—yet if he be once reputed a moral man, let him be a Turk in opi⯑nion, or religion, tis not three-half-pence matter—ſecondly my Sancho.

That firſtly, is a ſpecial good law.

Secondly I ſay a governor ought to have a nice, and tender conſcience; ſo very ſuſceptible, a fly cannot buz near it, without making him ſhrink.

It ought to ſit tight, and cloſe to him; like a thimble, upon, the Ducheſs's finger; not as I have heard it ſits ſometimes; like a jockey's boot, that he can ſtretch which way he pleaſes.

Next be ſu [...]e not to forget thy original; nor bluſh to own thou com'ſt of a mean extraction; for for when thou art not aſham'd of it thyſelf, nobody will ſeek to make thee ſo.

But then, there will be no occaſion to tell the people I was once a hog-driver.—Beſides, when I have got the government, and am grown rich, nobody will trouble themſelves about what I was; daub yourſelf over with honey, and you'll never want flies; ‘what a man has, ſo much he's ſure of.’—

Sancho, you muſt be cautious not to overlaid thy diſcourſe with thoſe curſed proverbs; when [11]properly, and judiciouſly uſed, they enrich, and em⯑belliſh converſation; but thou bringſt 'em in ſo by the head, and ſhoulders, that the purpoſe is defeated.

Ecod I believe, Sir, my mother longed for them; its a diſeaſe that heaven alone can cure me of; I have proverbs enough to fill a large ſack; and when I talk, they crowd ſo thick to my mouth, that they quarrel which ſhall get out firſt.

The next thing, Sancho, is to be cautious in your choice of officers of truſt; remember you are but guardian of the people's treaſure, and muſt be careful to chuſe honeſt men.

Yes, maſter; but how am I to know them? after the ſteed's ſtol'n 'tis too late to ſhut the ſtable door. I intend to act with certainty in this caſe— and as I am ſure my people will not produce any man that's honeſter than their governor, I will inſtantly ap⯑point myſelf, firſt lord of the treaſury of Barataria.

In that caſe, Sancho, I fear thy people will think thou haſt not ſo much diſintereſtedneſs, as thou ought'ſt. Prudently examine what thy income may a⯑mount to in a year; then if thou can'ſt afford fourſcore ſervants, keep but half, and what wou'd maintain the others, give to the poor, that their bleſſings may ac⯑company thee wherever thou appearſt; in the execution of juſtice, act with ſtrict impartiality; avoid, corrup⯑tion, or the taking of bribes; which is ſo tempting, and withal ſo crying a ſin, there is not one governor in forty can forbear damning himſelf by it.

Why then, lord have mercy upon my ſoul too; for to deal plainly I am afraid my fingers (as well as the reſt) will itch moſt curſedly to be handling the money. But, Sir, I hope, you'll allow there are per⯑quiſites, which its fair a man ſhould receive in all places; if it was not for the fees, ſome places wou'd not be worth the having; like the ſauce, to certain meats, which ſometimes exceeds the diſh itſelf.

I wou'd not have thee, Sancho, when appointed a protector, turn out a ſcourge, and a tyrant; he flatters himſelf in vain with hopes of enjoying happi⯑neſs, in the poſſeſſion of immenſe wealth, when obtain⯑ed [12]at the price of blood, and the tears and ſufferings of impoveriſhed provinces; it is true he may ſilence his accuſers by rich preſents, and thus eſcape the ſword of earth-born juſtice; but guilt and remorſe will poiſon all his pleaſures, and tell him there is no blinding the eyes, or ſtaying the ſword of divine vengeance.

Don't you think, Sir, you have made this bribery buſineſs rather a little too long?—I'm afraid I ſhall forget the beſt part of it.

I could be ſomewhat ſatirical upon thy parts now, but that I love thee, Sancho, and therefore, will deſiſt; beſides, to do thee juſtice, thou art not the firſt, who has had a government he was not beholden to his deſerts for.

No. nor ſhan't be laſt, Sir; for deſert is go⯑verned by fortune you know, and in a double manner; for if ſome were to have their true deſerts, they would be princes, and governors preſently; and if others, again were to have theirs, o'ons what an army of them would be hang'd up in one ſummer?

Well, dear Sancho, for that ſaying, thou deſerveſt not only to govern an iſland, but an em⯑pire; walk with gravity, and ſpeak with deliberation?— drink moderately, for drunkeneſs neither obſerves a pro⯑miſe, nor keeps a ſecret; eat little at dinner, and leſs at ſupper,

for the ſtomach is the ſtorehouſe whence health is to be imparted to the whole body; if thou obſerveſt theſe rules, thy days will be long, and proſperious; thou ſhalt live beloved by all;—thy go⯑vernment ſhall be peaceable; and when the time of thy departure from this world arrives—thy children, and grand children, ſhall with duteous ſteps la⯑menting, follow thee to the ſilent tomb.

I perceive, my Sancho, thou art weary of my good advice, and I ſhall loſe, time in beſtowing more rules for thy well doing; therefore, laſtly—

Laſtly! I am glad of that with all my heart; unleſs your laſtly ſhould be as long as Maſter Perez, our curate's, whoſe laſtly is longer than all the reſt of his diſcourſe.

Laſtly, I ſay, be vigilant; avoid that horrid drowſineſs to which thou art accuſtom'd. You have been long addicted to much ſleep; now you are a man who muſt be ever watchful for the good of your people.

I don't ſee any great occaſion for that; your kings and princes muſt ſleep as well as other men; —and then ſee maſter what a pleaſure I ſhall loſe; next to eating the greateſt. The bleſſing of his heart light on him who firſt invented this ſame ſleep; it covers a man over like a cloak. There is but one thing makes me diſlike ſleep; it reſembles death too much; there's little difference be⯑tween a man in his firſt, and a man in his laſt ſleep.

This is all the advice I ſhall deliver to you at preſent; if thou tak'ſt care to let me hear from thee hereafter, I ſhall give thee more.

I ſee very well that all you have told me is mighty good, and pat to the purpoſe; but what am I the better if I can't keep it in my head; —by tomorrow I ſhall no more remember all this than the ſhape of laſt week's clouds; therefore pray let me have it in black and white; for tho' I can't write, I'll get one of my people to hammer it into m [...] noddle; and as for the diſgrace of not writing, I can pretend my hand is lame, and ſo get my ſecretary to ſign for me; for there's a remedy for all things but death.

I now ſhall leave you, Sancho; I have done my duty in giving thee good and wholeſome ad⯑vice; if thou doſt not do the part of a good Governor, thine will be the fault, tho' the ſhame and diſcredit will be mine. His Highneſs has ſent for your wiſe and daughter Mary; prepare yourſelf to meet them, and wait at the town's end the arrival of your people.—Adieu!

Good bye, Sir.—I can but thank ye.—You have given me a plaguy deal of good council, if I have but the grace to follow it;—but come, many ventures make a full freight;—the cudgel that bruiſes is the thing that contuzes; I'll be very complaiſant in the begin⯑ning, but hold to the end ſay I. The cowl does not make the friar, nor the gown a governor. So, Sir, [14]wiſhing you ſoon to be an emperor, we take our leave, to feaſt and give our iſlanders a play day, and meet our ſpouſe, who now muſt be a lady.

Come along, Mary; chear thy good heart child; and ſince thy father is got to be governor at laſt, we muſt learn to be great folks. Remember we are to take the right hand of all the court ladies. Sancho has ſent word that he has made you a Counteſs.

O gemini! a Counteſs! mother! I'm ready to jump out of my ſkin; —a Counteſs! Lord won't we ride in our coach?

Our coach and ſix child.

Then, by goles, I'll work our coachman; I'll have riding about enough!

Your father is made a governor, and we are made ladies of courſe.

And of courſe I ſuppoſe I'm to have a waiting maid.

Yes child, and a footman into the bargain.

A footman! Dear heart, that puts me in mind of my dream. I dreamt laſt night I was bedizen'd out at ſuch a rate, and looking in a glaſs; which is al⯑ways a ſign of change you know; then behind me ſtood a fine, tall, proper, handſome fellow of a footman; his head as white as ſnow, a huge lace frill to his ſhirt, and ruffles down to his knuckels; it wou'd have done your heart good to have ſeen them.—Who's this I wonder?

Proteus himſelf has not aſſumed a greater variety of ſhapes than Manuel to pleaſe the humour of the Duke. Here muſt I wait the arrival of Sancho's ſweet ſpouſe, Tereſa, and buxom Mary his daughter, to uſher them in ſtate to Barataria. Eh! Why

If I am not miſtaken, you are ladies—

No indeed, Sir, you are not miſtaken; we are ladies; my father's a governor, and his wiſe a governor's lady, and his daughter—

Will the wench's tongue never ſtop? Sir, as you are a gentleman, who has all the appearance of a real gentleman, we wou'd be for ever obliged to you—no offence we hope, Sir, —if you'd tell us in what ſtreet the Governor's houſe is?

In what ſtreet! In what ſquare, madam, you ſhou'd have demanded, does the Governor's palace ſtand? But if I am not deceived in your appearance, noble lady, I even now ſpeak to great Don Sancho's conſort.

His conſort! Not you indeed—you ſpeak to his lawful wiſe in wedlock. But come, as you are ſo good at gueſſing—gueſs again—who am I?

Oh! ſweet young lady, how your vivacity charms me! There is ſomething ſo peculiarly your own in every thing you ſay or do, it's impoſſible I can miſtake you; you are the all-accompliſhed lady Mary, your fa⯑ther and your mother's daughter.

By gingo! he has hit it. Now who'd have thought this fellow wou'd have known I was my father and mother's daughter. But tell me, young man—

Young man! For ſhame, Mary, this by his appearance muſt certainly be the Duke.

The Duke!

You do me too much honour, great lady, in that ſuppoſition; I am only in the ſervice of the Duke.

Well, now mother, what do you ſay to that? I knew he was a ſervant, by his keeping his hat in his hand all this while; what ſignifies his long ſword, and his laced cloaths; why I am told the very turn-ſpits at court ride in their coaches.

I ſuppoſe, young man, as you are a ſervant, you can't be leſs than the Duke's butler.

No, madam, I'm maſter of Don Sancho's horſe.

Maſter of Don Sancho's horſe! This is the firſt time I knew every man wasn't maſter of his own horſe.

I have all the Governor's houſhold cavalry entruſted to my care.

I thought he was a butler.

By gole's! mother you are right. But, Mr. Butler, or Mr. Maſter of the Horſe, he! he! he! put on your dancing pumps, and let us be jogging, for I long to ſee my father, and poor Dapple. Lord! Lord! how glad they'll both be to meet us.

Every thing is in readineſs, madam, for your departure.

Down upon your knees, Mary, and aſk your life, for this is his moſt noble royalty the Duke, and he's going to kill us for calling him a butler.

I beſeech your Excellency to riſe; be not alarmed, I only drew my ſword as a ſignal for your guards to approach.

Our guards! worſe and worſe, mother; as ſure as I ſtand here they have hanged up father, and they are going to hang us up after him.

Sweet Lady Mary, all your apprehernſions are groundleſs; take your ſeats in the chairs, and I'll ſoon conduct you into the preſence of the noble Gover⯑nor. You are to conſider that troop of horſe yonder only as attendants.

Only ſo many footmen on horſeback; well then, mother, do you get in firit, and I'll ſit in your lap.

No, no: there's a chair apiece for you; this Is your's lady Mary.

By goles this is pure. O mother, is not this better than riding in a cart?

Yes child, or in a waggon.

Charming! Softly, young man, don't bump a body ſo much. Let mother go firſt; ſhe's oldeſt.

Dear heart! how redious the time paſſes, when a man wants to get into power. I wiſh my people would come! I here is one thing my maſter gave me a great charge about I muſt be very careful not to forget [17]and that is, inſtead of the words I, and me, I am in fu⯑ture to ſay we, and us. We will ſup with you! and you ſhall ſup with us! Ecod, it ſounds very big.—But then, does not making ſo much of we look as if I was nobody? It is as much as to ſay, we great men are no longer ourſelves. There's a deviliſh good ſaving clauſe tho' in we; in caſe I ſhould do any thing amiſs, we may make other people accountable. Well, but we think our corporation of Barataria are not very mannerly to keep us kicking our heels here ſo long—we have ſuch a craving at our ſtomach, that we cou'd ſit down to din⯑ner with Dapple, and ſeaſt upon thirties. Poor fellow!

he too looks as hungry as a judge's clerk at a long trial. We may be conſidered now as the beſt of all Governors, for we arc ſarting ſor our people. Well, if we faſt for them now, I will cat moſt plentiful for myſelf; odd rat it! we ſhall never forget I when eating is the word. Oh! here come the welcome meſ⯑ſengers of luck.

Long live the noble Don Sancho, Governor and Protector of the city and iſland of Barataria.

Long life and ſhort commons I think it is friend; but we'll all live as long as we can, and the longeſt liver take all. Now what's your buſineſs with Don Sancho, Governor, Protector, and all that?

The magiſtrates, and chief men of your city, approach to receive your Lordiſhip, and humbly intreat to know, if it be your Lordſhip's ſerene pleaſure that they ſhould have the honor of throwing themſelves at your Lordſhip's feet.

Why then let them know that it is my ſerene pleaſure they do ſo; and tell them alſo, that if they had opened their gates to me an hour ago, I ſhould have had a ſerene appetite, as well as a ſerene pleaſure at ſeeing them.

Your Lordſhip knows the orders iſſued by his Highneſs the Duke cou'd not be diſpens'd with.

Well, plague of this talking—let'em come, and with as ſhort a ceremony as poſſible.

I'd almoſt exchange my government for [18]a good dinner. Oh! here they come at laſt.

Upon my word the corporation of Barataria has a moſt citizen-like appearance. What a fine fat figure of an Alderman that is yonder; he has turtle and veniſon, and calf's-head in his tountenance. Why what's all this! The corporation's as mute as a drove of oxen; I ſup⯑poſe they wait for me to break the ice; here goes then; neck or nothing; like a true courtier I'll tip them flum⯑mery, tho' I wiſh them up to their necks in a horſe-pond. Well, my worthy, honeſt, good friends, how do you all do? have you any thing to ſay to me!

Moſt high and mighty Don Sancho, deſcended from that moſt ancient and re⯑ver'd ſtock, the Pancas of La Mancha, a family not more diſtinguiſhed for the antiquity of its origin, than for the iliultrious characters with which it has adorn'd the world;—for more than three hundred years your an⯑ceſtors have been leaders of armies, and counſellors to princes.

Hold, hold, friend;—many words fill not a buſnel;—tell truth and ſhame the devil;—a liar should have a good memory; and, to my certain knowledge, either you or I am confoundedly miſtaken. What my family was three hundred years ago, is neither here nor there; but I can aſſure you, not one of them who came within my knowledge ever led any armies, except it was an army of turkies and geeſe, which I myſelf, indeed, have valliantly drove to market; then, as to counſelling Princes, I never ſaw one in my life, except the Duke, your Lord and mine, who has made me a Governor; ſo now go on; but if you poſſibly can, avoid fibbing.

In you, my Lord, ſhine all the noble qua⯑lities of your illuſtrious name-ſake and near relation, Don Sancho, of Arragon, who gallantly ſlew, with his own hand, ſeven and ſorty Moors in one battle, and routed an army of half a million.

You have told me ſeven and ſorty lies already; and if I was to ſuffer you to proceed, I foreſee you'd tell me half a million. The noble qualities of my near rela⯑tion ſhine in me! Whatever ſhines in me, I know here [19]is a great deal of ſomething ſhines in you to tell me ſuch ſtories.

You yourſelf are my Lord—

As hungry as a hunter;—therefore, Mr. Re⯑corder, put up your long ſpeech;—and after dinner I'll put on my night-cap, and hear you go over the whole of it again with compoſure.

There are yet further ceremonies to be ob⯑ſerved before you enter into office.

How many ſtumbling blocks are in the road to preferment; its beſieging a town to get into place.

Firſt we preſent you with the keys of the town.

Well, then I remember my maſter bid me re⯑turn them; ſo there they are again. Don't think you have got a Governor, who means to keep you under lock key, like ſo many pigs in a pound. Giving me the keys of your town, is as much as to ſay, you commit your rights and liberties to my charge, and I return them, to tell you that I do not mean to abuſe the truſt. And now, my honeſt friend, let us go to dinner

We firſt ſolicit your Excellency's gracious anſwer.

My anſwer! To what queſtion?

We mean your Lordſhip's anſwer to our dutiful and loyal addreſs.—It is uſual for the Governor, on theſe occaſions, to expreſs his approbation of our at⯑tachment and loyalty to him in a ſpeech, and promiſe at the ſame time, to take every ſtep within the compaſs of his abilities conducive to our intereſt and welfare

I underſtand you; that is, you ſcratch my back, and I'll claw your elbow. What ſignifies making fine promiſes before hand; it's very eaſy to make them to get into place, and eaſier ſtill to break them when ſe⯑cure in the ſaddle; no, no: on both ſides the proof of the pudding ſhall be in the eating of it. I'll approve of your loyalty, if I like the entertainment you have provided for me. Good governors always like good eating, and good citizens always take care to provide ſuch.

A ſumptuous banquet is prepared for your Excellency's table, which will be ready after your public entry into town.

Come then, let's be gone.

But how wou'd your Excellency have us diſ⯑poſe of the aſs?

Lord! Lord! how ſoon a great man begins to forget his friends.—What Dapple! the companion of all my faſtings and drubbings; forget thee! no, ne⯑ver. I'll have a place laid for him every day at my own table, and cou'd he but read and write, I'd make him my ſecretary.

Such an inſtance of preferment is not un⯑precedented; a Roman Emperor made his horſe fill one of the higheſt departments in the flate.

He did! Then I tell you what, Mr. Recor⯑der, Dapple ſhall have the place; and for the good wiſhes you ſeem to entertain for him, you ſhall do the buſineſs as his deputy.

ACT II.

OH! the fatigues of being a great man! though not two hours a governor I have my hands full of grievances already

but come, friend, read them over as faſt as you can

As there are ſo many, if I acquaint your Lordſhip with the ſubſtance of the principal petitions, re⯑ſerving the reſt for to morrow, I fancy it will be ſuffi⯑cient

You are right—ſo proceed.

This, my lord, is a petition from

the Cutler's company; praying you would revoke the edict iſſued by your predeceſſor againſt duelling, by which the wearing of ſwords is be⯑come ſo much out of faſhion, that there are above ten thouſand journeymen cutlers in your Iſland at this mo⯑ment ſtarvin.

I'll not revoke the law againſt duelling; there cant be too many againſt the practice; I'm a mortal foe to cutting of throats; and a great ememy to ſtarving alſo

The next is a petition from the boot-makers of Cordova, earnedſtly foliciting your Lordſhip's patro⯑nage, and requeſting you would wear nothing but boots.—And here is another from the cordwainers of Bara⯑taria, enforcing the ſuperiority of ſhoes, hoping you will wear them only.

Why what's to be done in this buſineſs? I wou'd fain pleaſe all parties, but that's impoſſible, as the caſe ſtands before me.—Suppoſe I promiſe to wear boots all the winter, and ſhoes all the ſummer

But then there's the ſpring and autumn; what do you intend to wear during thoſe ſeaſons?

In the ſpring, and autumn, I'll have a will of my own; they ſhan't, all the year round, have the length of my foot.

This comes, my Lord, from the manufac⯑turers in wool, intreating your encouragement; and as they have brought that commodity in quality to the fineſt linen cloth, beg that in future you wou'd wear it in ſhirts, and thus render the conſumption of that article univer⯑ſal.

I muſt confeſs I have no great opinion of the invention, but as a good governor ſhou'd even make a ſhift, to do without a ſhirt, to pleaſe his people—ſay their petition is granted—well, what is next.

Here is a petition from the opticians, requeſt⯑ing your Lordſhip would wear ſpectacles.

What, whether I want them or not?

If you want them there is no merit in the wearing of them—you cannot be too diſintereſted in your encouragement of trade—beſides, there is nothing gives the face ſuch an air of wiſdom as ſpectacles; they look like magnifying ſkylights; or rather intellectual microſcopes, thro' which ſublimer underſtandings con⯑templace the little objects of this little world, to nearer advantage.

Well, as every governor muſt have his blind ſide, ours ſhall be to pleaſe our people—ſo that petition is granted—but zooks! I grow impatient; you'll famiſh me with too much buſineſs.

You'll hear the petition, my Lord, from the dealers in mum.

Well, let's hear—the dealers in mum can't have much to ſay.

They humbly requeſt your Lordſhip wou'd ſubſtitute mum for wine at your table.

Then tell them I won't—whilſt I have a tongue to wag, or palate to taſte, no mum for Sancho—why, what the devil would they be at?

I'll read the next petition to your Lordſhip.

I'll hear no more petitions 'till I have grati⯑fied the cravings of a petition from my ſtomach—I have given up half my ſenſes already; but I'm determined to retain ſome at my own diſpoſal—ſo ho! is the eating put off till to-morrow?

Your Lordſhip's preſence is required in the courts of juſtice, to try criminals, and determine civil cauſes.

What before dinner? impoſſible—impoſſible!

Remember that your Excellency is ſworn faithfully to obſerve all the long eſtabliſhed cuſtoms of the iſland; and thoſe ordain an immediate, hearing to the complaints of the injured, and [...]hat criminals, on conviction, be puniſhed with all poſſible ſpeed—

Nay, if that be the caſe, I muſt ſubmit; but all I hang friend, before dinner may lay their hal⯑ters at your door.

Room for the governor!

You muſt wait a little longer for dinner than you imagine, my Lord Governor; I ſhall have a rare detail of adventures to tranſmit his grace if we ſucceed in every particular as hitherto.—

How, Pe⯑dro, goes on your part of the plot?

To a miracle—

Have you ſeen the wife, and daughter?

Yes, and wou'd adviſe thee to take a peep at them, as two of the greateſt natural curioſities, ever yet exhibited in Spain—

Bleſs your ſoul! I have made a conqueſt of Mary.

And I can aſſure you her excellency Lady Tereſa has no ſmall penchant for your friend Pedro; ſo that between us Sancho and his family will be well taken care of—

But come, let us go hear him as a judge; in the preſent ſtate of his appetite, he'll ſhew no more mercy to a criminal, than he wou'd to a meſs of Olla Podrida.

O yes! O yes! let all manner of perſon, or perſons who come not hither for juſtice, keep ſilence; and let all thoſe who have any complaints to make ſpeak them boldly; the governor is prepared to hear and redreſs them.

He is prepared, as far as hunger will let him; and though I know my judgement wou'd be clearer up⯑on a full ſtomach, I'll try for once how wife faſting will make me; what's the firſt cauſe?

Well woman, what have you to ſay?

Oh! my Lord, I am an undone woman! this villain here—

What, that ſhrimp?

That ruſſian; that Goliah in miniature; with violence, on my way to town, aſſaulted me, and ruined my character for ever.

One ſtory is good, till another is told; now let us hear what our little Gog, and Magog has to ſay for himſelf.

My Lord Governor, I am the ſon of my fa⯑ther.—

Indeed!

Who is called Diego—I was ſent with fifty pieces in a purſe to Terevaria, to pay a debt:—This woman met me, and thinking me not able to defend my property—ſhe attempted to rob me of it—and when I refus'd to part with it; ſhe wickedly laid this charge againſt me, and had me brought before your worſhip.

Oh! moſt atrocious villian! where is your purſe?

Here, your honor.

Then to let you ſee how much I value honeſt women, there take his purſe as ſome conſolation for the injury he has done thee, and thy character.

O, good your honor! if you take that I am an undone man.

Bleſſing on your honor's ſweet face!—Oh you are an upright magiſtrate!

Oh! I am ruined; I'm loſt! Oh that ever I was born!—

Well, poor fellow! upon ſecond thoughts, all the money is too much to give her—ſo gather up your little legs as hard as you can, and force the purſe from her—make haſte.

I'll do-what I can, but I fear 'twill be a hard matter.

I begin to perceive that this iſland is very full of enormities.

How now, what's the matter?

O, your Honor! this impudent fellow, con⯑trary to your honor's judgement, has follow'd me, and wou'd have taken the purſe away from me by force, and ſent the conſtable to bring me again before your worſhip.

And has he got the purſe?—

No, I warrant your worſhip; you ordered me to keep it, and I wou'd have pulled his eyes out 'ere I'd part with it.

Give it me; let me ſee if there's none miſſing—there, fellow, take your purſe again; and bid the beadle give Mrs. Honeſty here a hundred ſtripes.

Oh mercy! your worſhip, what mean you?

If you had defended your honeſty, as well as you did the purſe—you need not have made this com⯑plaint here—away, I'll have no reply.

Well, friend, what have you to complain of?

Why, my Lord, you muſt know, I am an Officer of the Cuſtoms; and I am come to complain againſt this fellow, my Lord, for defrauding Govern⯑ment.

Defrauding Government, as how?

By the ſmuggling of Chocolate, and bad ſpirits, pleaſe your Lordſhip.

Sblood! what's this I hear! a ſmuggler! I'll ſhew him no mercy; this fellow is a kind of a ſtate pickpocket, and ſhou'd be hung upon a gibbet fifty⯑feet high; Sirrah! Sirrah! what have you to ſay for yourſelf before I pronounce ſentence?

Will your Lordſhip hear me?

I dont know whether I will or not; but come what have you ſay?

Why, my Lord, you muſt know that I am owner of a ſmall coaſting veſſel, in which I carry goods to different parts of your lordſhip's iſland for ſale; now as it happens, that I am ſometimes obliged to put to ſea in very dark nights, for fear of loſing the wind, I have more than once neglected paying the duty for the commodities I have ſhipped.

And what do you call this but ſmuggling you dog—Eh! what have you to ſay for yourſelf now?

Truly very little, my Lord; but there are a few friends in this canvaſs bag, that will convince your Lordſhip I had no diſhoneſt intentions.

Eh! Why upon my word there is ſome weight in this laſt argument.

I have kept a regular account of every ſhilling I was indebted to the revenue, for theſe three years back, which, finding it amount to five hundred crowns, I put it in that bag, and I have now honeſtly paid your Lordſhip—and diſcharged my conſcience—

Dont believe a ſyllable he utters, my Lord; for to my knowledge he has been a ſmuggler theſe twenty years—

Then what's the reaſon you never informed againſt him before?

Bccauſe, my Lord, I uſed to pay him all my arrears; and he informs againſt me now, only be⯑cauſe I did not think the contents of that bag ſo ſafe in his hands as in your Lordſhip's—

I believe it—every word you ſpeak carries conviction with it; I never met a man who uſed ſtron⯑ger arguments

why ſhou'd not a ſmuggler have credit as well as other tradeſmen; and you, Mr. Cuſtom-houſe Officer, take notice we diſmiſs you from our employ; and, Mr. Smuggler, you ſhall have his place; there's nothing like the old proverb, Set a thief to catcb a thief.

What's your complaint now? Short—Short—

Why, and pleaſe your Honor, my name is Snip, I am by trade a woman's taylor, and a man that the pariſh know's to be a man—that is not a man—who as a man may ſay, will willingly let any man, tho' it may chance with fair looks a man may be deceived, yet your honor knows who are a man—

Who am a man, not like to get to the end of your ſtory all day at this rate—brief!—ſhort! quick!

Why, your honor, in few words, muſt know my complaint is againſt this Radiſh, the gardener here, who has moſt wickedly, and unneighbourly defrauded me of a tame cock pheaſant, which I, and my wife tenderly brought up; yet this ravenous canibal laid vilolent hands on the poor bird—ſlaid it, took it home to his wife, roaſted it, and had I not come juſt in the nick, and hindered them, they wou'd have eaten it this day for dinner.

Umph! what ſay you to this, Radiſh?

He can ſay nothing—for to prove it—I have brought the pheaſant here, poor fool, juſt as I ſnatch'd it out of the diſh from them

ſo now your worſhip has proof before you.

By my faith the caſe is plain—what can you ſay to this, Radiſh? is this your conſcience to come into a neighbour's houſe, and ſteal away his goods and chattles? for his pheaſant in this caſe is a chattle—and a delicate one it is

o'ons, with a little good ſauſe to it—this were a diſh fit for a go⯑vernor.

But hear me, my Lord; this is the trick on't; I and Snip us'd often at each others houſes, jeſtingly, to take thing; and t'other day having a choice flaſk of Florence ſent a preſent to my wife from her rich god⯑mother, I gave this Snip and his wife a taſte.

Friendly! go on

But not contented with that, he took the opportunity of my abſence to make free with the reſt—ſo I thought I had no better way of being even with him than by stealing his wife's pheaſant.

Why, how now, you old ruſty pruning knife! you maggot in a peaſcod! you caterpillar! will you ſwear your thin-gut wine was Florence?

That I will; and have here another flaſk juſt ſent me by the ſame perſon.

Nay, look you Snip, take heed of lying—I don't ſit here to ſee juſtice abus'd—if it be really Flo⯑rence, look to it—

it is,

ſure I can't be miſtaken

Believe me, Sir, it is real Florence.

It is indeed—and are theſe things fitting for taylors and gardeners?—fat pheaſants and rich wines—and you knaves both, ſince you have made a practice, by your own confeſſions of ſtealing from one another—'tis plain each of you keeps a houſe to encourage thiev⯑ery; and by and by will ſteal from others; I therefore condemn them both to pay ten cuckets a piece to the poor, and give ſecurity for their good behaviour—not a word, take 'em hence.

Oh! diſgrace to authority! My Lord Gover⯑nor feaſting in a court of juſtice!

Juſtice! Odds ſo! Why not?—I muſt do myſelf juſtice if you won't.

Inſtantly remove the remains of that pheaſant.

For your lives don't touch it.

A moſt ſumptuous banquet, my Lord, at this moment awaits you.

Is it ready?

It only—waits your coming.

Then take away the pheaſant, and break up the Court. This little whet before dinner has only given a keener edge to my appetite.

Here's a ſheep-ſtealer and a coiner yet, whoſe trials ſtand over for to day.

They muſt wait till another time.

That's againſt all rule of Court. Something muſt be done with them.

Then pillor the coiner, and tranſport the ſheep-ſtealer, for I havn't time to hang any body till to⯑morrow.

Dear heart! I am ſo fine, I hardly know my⯑ſelf.

Do, mother, put your hand upon my heart, it ſprings like a bird in my breaſt with joy. Lud! lud! what a power of handſome men are here at court;—then they, are all ſo well dreſſed, and grin ſo pretty to ſhew their white teeth, and ſmell ſo ſweet!

You muſt now, Mary, leave off all your rompiſh tricks that you uſed to have in the country; you muſt not, if you ſee a mule tied to a hedge, bounce upon his back, and ride about the country like a mad thing.

Let me alone, mother, I have had my leſſon; I know what's what I warrant you.—A fine gentleman, they call the maſter of the ceremonies, was with me above an hour, teaching the manners of the high ton; he told me I did not know what to do with one feature in my face; but he has taught me to glance, and to ogle, and to ſimper, for I muſt never laugh as long as I live, for fear of ſoiling the ſhape of my mouth.

The ſame gentleman has been with me, Mary, and has been reaching me all the faſhionable games; I now underſtand quarille, and homer, and criket.

I ſee plain enough, mother, that dreſs is every thing; fine feathers make fine birds.—Ecod! I ſhould like to meet Dick the miller now, that uſed to touzle me ſo coming from maſs of a Sunday; I'd ſoon let him know that I was become a lady, and above ſuch trumpery fel⯑lows.

Yes, Mary, and if he attempted to kiſs your lips, turn up your noſe politely, and cry, paws off Caeſar.

Yes, and I'd tell him if be did not know good manners I did; then give him a wherrit in the Chops wou'd make his grinders ake.

I am come ladies to have the honour of con⯑ducting you to dinner.

Dinner! Why Lord, mother, and I have done nothing but eat all the morning—but Mr. Maſter of the Horſe, do Governors wives and daughters make every day holyday like this?

This day, my Lady, will every year be marked with great and particular rejoicings, in com⯑memoration of your noble father being inveſted with authority.

Oh! it will, in commiſſeration of my noble father being inveſtigated with authority!—dear heart! what fine hard words he uſes.

Now, Lady Mary, conſider where you are going—don't liſten to every gay ſpark, who'll tell you a fine ſtory, if you ſhou'd commit a fox's paw, we ſlall be all ruin'd in the full ſenate of our glory.

It is the cuſtom, my Lord, in this iſland, that the Viceroy's Lady dine firſt, at leaſt of one courſe: then the Governor's table is ſerved.

Here then I find the grey mare is the better horſe.

Come, come Lady, Wife, pr'ythee make, haſte; they tell me it is the cuſtom that I ſhould wait till you have done.—

And an excellent cuſtom it is.

Excellent as it is my teeth water moſt curſedly to break it.

But, hey day! Where is the Lady wench? I hope ſhe is not at romps with the Maſter of Horſe? Some of the Court go ſeek her.

She is here, my Lady.

By goles they are at it.—

Prithee keep your hands to yourſelf; do you think I don't know the way to my mouth? by your leave, good people.

Shall I help you Miſs, to a wing of this cram'd chick.

Yes, and the breaſt with it, if you pleaſe.—I'm like all fools.—I like what's good.

Pr'ythee, Lady daughter, hold thy tongue, and make haſte with thy dinner.

Hay! what father!—Lord love him, how fine he is; he looks like one of the fat men, they call judges, that uſed to ride thro' our town.

A cup of wine.

The Lady Governeſs is going to drink.

Ah! bleſs thee, dear Governor!

Thank ye, thank ye, —crooked rib of mine—O dear! O dear!—

Lady Mary, you pick like a ſparrow.

Lady Mary, perhaps, lives upon love.

Always on love and lumps of the cupboard.

I believe we have had enough of theſe things.

Turn about is fair play—So I ſuppoſe now I may begin.

As ſoon as your phyſician comes.

My phyſician, what the devil buſineſs has he herre? I don't want phyſic—I want food.

But, my Lord, ſo many of your predeceſſors having been poiſon'd by the cooks, the Duke has ap⯑pointed a phyſician in ordinary to inſpect and determine what is proper or noxious to the conſitution.

Your ſervant, Doctor: I believe I am the firſt man that ever was glad to ſee a phyſician come into the houſe: now to work; dear heart! how nice it all looks! come, two hands in a diſh, and one in a purſe—

Gad that's a rare Turkey—put him up this way.

What are you at?

By no means, 'tis hot.

Hot: to be ſure it is; wou'd you have me wait till it's cold?

I ſay 'tis hot, inflammatory, and corroding; the fleſh pernicious to your conſtitution; my Lord, I am ſtipended in this iſland, to take care of its Governors, and to preſcribe a diet proper for'em.

Why then, hand up that roaſted pig—I'm, ſure that is as innocent as any thing can be.

Horrible! the cook has ſent it up quite raw: You ſhou'dn't touch it for the world.—'Sdeath, the rogue ought to be hang'd.—He'le poiſon the Governor in two days.

Poiſon him! I think he's more in danger of ſtarving—dut Doctor to end the diſpute, take a ſurvey of the whole table, and which ever diſh you think will agree with me, let me have my belly full of that, be⯑fore its whiſked away by that magical wand of yours.

Omnis Saturatio, Mala, Perdicis autem peſſima—

therefore you muſt not touch theſe partrid⯑ges—Rabbits are a hairy, furry kind of food fit only for the frozen ſtomach of a Laplander, then the onions in whith, they are ſmother'd are pernicous to the eyes; this [33] veal muſt not ſtay a moment longer on the table—Indeed had it been neither ſtew'd, roaſted, boil'd, minc'd, fricaſeed or marinaded ſomething perhaps might be ſaid for it.

Odſo! I have hit the nail upon the head at laſt—yonder I ſpy a ſmoaking hot diſh of Olla podrida—a hodge podge, a mixture of all ſort of food; ſo the devil's in't if there I ſhant light of ſomethino both wholeſome and toothſome, hand it over, hand it over.

Abſit—abſit—

Sit ſtill—Sit ſtill I ſay with it.

Do you conſider my Lord Governor, that I ſhall have your life to account for?

Villain! you'll have my death to anſwer for; dear heart I'm quite worn out with fatigue and ſaſting—my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth; a cup of wine there.

'Tis death till I have firſt examined and cor⯑rected it, let me ſee the glaſs.

Why what the devil—an't I to drink neither.

Not till I have allay'd the acid quality of the wine my Lord, and made it fit for your ſtomach; you are inclining to a hectic and choler—ſtrong liquors de⯑ſtroy the humidum radicale.

Why you damn'd confounded paracelſian—what ſort of a Governor do you think me, not to eat nor drink? but one word. Pray what is your name friend?

Sir, I am ſtil'd Doctor Rezio de Aguero. I am a native of Tirte Aſſura and took my degree in the Univerſity of Oſuna.

Why then Doctor Pedro Rezio de Aguero, native of Dirty Furio, and who took your degree in the Univerſity of Oſuna, take theſe plates and diſhes at your head—I ſeize on this fowl, and this bread and bottle

which I will defend to the hour of my death—and you my good lady and daughter, with the reſt that cou'd eat your own dinner, and ſee the Governor ſtarv'd, begone, all, you ungrateful wretches.

Arm, arm, my Lord, you are nor ſafe a minute; heres news now come that ſeveral thouſand Buccaneers, pirates and banditti have enter'd your iſland; here's a letter too ſent from the Duke to give you notice of the danger, you muſt prepare for your defence immediately.

You know I can't read it.

Signior Sancho—I have juſt learned that certain enemies of mine, and of the iſland meditate a deſperate and furious aſſault immediately; ſeveral ſpies are about your perſon, with intent to aſſaſſinate you; take care of yourſelf, and the charge committed to you; tranſmit me word what ſuccours you may want; your danger is great. Your friend the Duke

Oh! Unfortunate eſtate of this unhappy iſland; that becauſe of its wealth, and fertility, is perpetually plagued with enemies, who bear a mortal ſpite to all thoſe that rule; thoſe damn'd banditti, and buccaneers, have taken and ſlea'd three or four of our governors already.

The devil they have!

Noble Don Sancho. The enemy gains ground every moment, therefore come away inſtantly to the citidal, that we may arm you, and put you at the head of your brave troops, who impatiently expect you.

But why all this hurry? 'odſlife! I know no more what belongs to fighting, than a General does of cow keeping.

They'll come upon us before we have taken up our arms; but it never ſhall be ſaid, that I ſtood tamely and ſaw ſo famous an iſland loſt; I'll go and de⯑fend the gates as long as I can againſt them.

Where the devil are you going?

Going! where the Governor ought to be in perſon; into the heat of battle, amidſt fire and ſmoke; to have a clear view of all our danger.

This is the firſt time I ever knew a man went into ſmoke to have a clear view of any thing; but Dr. Dirty Furio, ſure you won't leave me to be ſlead alive by theſe damned Buccaneers?

My Lord, my character's at ſtake.

Then go like an intrepid phyſican, and eſtab⯑liſh it by the death of thouſands.

'Tis true I differ from the ſoldier in profeſſion.

But you agree exactly with him in practice; ſo away with you, doctor.

This comes of nibbling at governments

where ſhall I fly! this way, I know, leads to the garden, and I'll ſteal off there and hide myſelf, if its only be⯑hind a gooſeberry buſh

odſo! I was ruſhing into the lion's mouth,

'tis out of the frying pan into the fire; I'll jump out of this window

Make this breach good; raiſe thoſe ladders; fire the pitch and roſin, and get ſome kettles of ſcalding oil ready.

Scalding oil! no doubt to pour down the poor Governor's throat.

Deliver up the Governor, and we'll make a truce; bring him out; we know by his robe; here are an hun⯑dred of us have ſworn to ſpit him, and roaſt him alive for an example to all ſuch future governors.

Nay, if like an ermine I'm known by my ſkin, even take that amongſt you

what ſhall I do, where ſhall I hide? I'll get under the table; a dogs place, and a whole ſkin is better than laced robes and danger

Thanks fellow Soldiers, for your noble defence of this valuable Iſland—But all our joys are incompleat, till we receive tidings of the Governor.

Here is his robe, my Lord.

Well, what will you have from the Cat but the ſkin; but what do I ſee, it is the Duke himſelf.

Go, ſome of you, and ſeek him amongſt his ſlain; and if only his head can be found, he who ſhows me that firſt, ſhall be rewarded with a thouſand crowns.

Then my Lord I claim the reward myſelf.

What Don Sancho, our much beloved Governor.

No, my Lord plain Sancho, —and no Governor.—

What, do you reſign your high office?

I do, indeed, my Lord—St. Peter is very well at Rome; Cobler ſtick to your laſt; there's no making a velvet purſe of a Pig's ear—my Lord Duke I thank you for your kindneſs, but return you your Government back again; nature never intended me for fighting.—No nor faſting—Doctor; all I now aſk is, give me my wife, my daughter and dapple.—Take notice, I have not diſplac'd a tile nor a brick in the Iſland.—A poor man I came in and a poor man I go out of place, and if every Governor cou'd ſay the ſame, he'd be ſure of what I now moſt wiſh for PUBLIC APPROBATION.—