[]

THE MIRROR; OR, HARLEQUIN EVERY-WHERE.

[Price ONE SHILLING.]

[]

THE MIRROR; OR, HARLEQUIN EVERY-WHERE. A PANTOMIMICAL BURLETTA, IN THREE PARTS. As it is performed at the THEATRE-ROYAL IN COVENT-GARDEN.

LONDON: Printed for G. KEARSLY, No. 46, Fleet-ſtreet. M.DCC.LXXIX.

CHARACTERS.

[]
MEN.
Jupiter,
Mr. ROBSON.
Pluto,
Mr. BAKER.
Minos,
Mr. L'ESTRANGE.
Belphegor,
Mr. REINHOLD.
Aſtorath,
Mr. DOYLE.
Cryer of Minos' Court,
Mr. THOMPSON.
1ſt Poor Spirit,
Mr. BRUNSDON.
1ſt, 2d, and 3d Antipodean,
 
Mercury,
Mr. J. WILSON.
Harlequin,
Mr. W. BATES.
Punch,
Mr. EDWIN.
Lieutenant,
Mr. BOOTH.
Sailors, &c.
Mr. FEARON.
WOMEN.
Ceres,
Mrs. KENNEDY.
Little Girl,
Miſs MORRIS.
Prude,
Mrs. POUSSIN.
1ſt Sicilian,
Mrs. WILLEMS.
2d Sicilian,
Miſs GREEN.
Colombine,
Miſs CRANFIELD.

Thoſe Paſſages marked with inverted Commas are omitted in the Repreſentation.

[] THE MIRROR, OR, HARLEQUIN EVERY WHERE.

PART I.

SCENE I. A view of Tartarus, as deſcribed in the Pantheon.

Chorus of Infernals.
Let ſighs and groans
And heavy moans
Oh winds be hurl'd
To t'other world,
'Till mortals hear,
Trembling for fear
They ſhould be howling,
Grunting, growling,
Burning,
Turning,
Toaſting,
Roaſting,
In this infernal world as we are,
[2][During the chorus Harlequin is dragged on by Belphegor.]
Har.

Oh, what an infernal, diabolical concert is here! And pray, good Mr. Devil, having lugged me through the ſea like a drowning rat, precipitated me like a bullet out of a culverin, from the Antipodes to the borders of Acheron, to dry me; flown with me over the Styx, and introduced me to his infernal majeſty in the copper-coloured jacket! what's to be done next?

RECITATIVE.
Bel.
You muſt be plung'd, Sir, in this gulph here
Of bitumen and boiling ſulphur.
Har.

The devil, I muſt! what, like a potatoe in a tar kettle, I ſuppoſe? And pray, what have I done to merit ſo much honour?

RECITATIVE.
Bel.
You broke, which was not very civil,
Your ſworn allegiance to the devil.
Har.

Why, to be ſure, I did make a ſort of a fooliſh promiſe, that if his diabolical highneſs would ſuffer me to leap and ſkip about, turn men into jack aſſes, and rocks and trees into dancing devils, I would finiſh my career by paying a viſit to his gloomy majeſty's helliſh dominions, but I did not expect to be ſent for ſo ſoon, nor to be treated with ſo elegant an entertainment when I arrived.

[3]
RECITATIVE.
Bel.
Peace, and be with your lot contented,
Whilſt to theſe gents. you are preſented;
Who here ſo pamper'd, and ſo fluſh are,
By Belphegor Hell's Gem'men Uſher.
Har.

A very courteous introduction, upon my word; and pray, who compoſe this happy aſſembly, among whom I am to have the felicity of ſitting as a member? That gemman, and his vulture, for inſtance.

AIR.
Bel.
That gentleman whom there you ſee,
The vulture gnawing his liver;
A very wicked wight was he,
A Judge, and great law-giver.
More orphans goods, than tongue can tell,
On earth devour'd this limb;
And now for puniſhment in hell,
A vulture devours him.
Har.

A good pleaſant ſituation; why, if it was not for your tail, and your hoofs, I ſhould take you for the man deſcribing the tombs in Weſtminſter Abby; what, the old ones have been all relieved, I ſuppoſe at a limitted time?

[Bel nods.]

Ah, I underſtand you; I wiſh I was fairly out of your clutches; and pray, who have we on that wheel in the place of Ixion?

[]
II.
Bel.
That figure on the wheel you ſee,
I'd have you to underſtand,
A noted miniſter was he,
And Lord of a certain land.
The nation who did cheat and trouble,
And roaſt to gain his pelf;
And, who, at laſt made his own bubble,
In roaſting here himſelf.
Har.

A judicious puniſhment enough, but I ſuppoſe ſometimes attended with inconvenience, for if you roaſt all who cheat their nation, you muſt very often be damnably put to it for ſpits. Now for thoſe in the place of Syſiphus and Tantalus, a pleaſant amuſement that of rolling a ſtone up a hill, and never reaching the top of it; or the other gentleman's entertainment of having ſo many delicacies cloſe to his hand, without being able to touch one of them.

III.
Bel.
He who the Chemiſt's ſtone purſu'd,
Which makes ſuch rout and pother;
Here rolls a ſtone which doth elude
His ſearch as did the other.
T'other who caſh of Charities
Did gormandize and ſuttle
On dainties, feaſts, but with his eyes,
The puniſhment is ſuttle.
Har.
[5]

It is indeed!—who but the devil could invent a puniſhment for an Alderman equal to ſetting him to a delicious dinner, and conveying every thing away before he had time to put the napkin under his chin. Now for a deſcription of the ladies at that labour-in-vain amuſement of emptying a well with ſieves, and the gentleman under that tremendous rock, and I have done.

IV.
Bel.
Thoſe harmleſs ladies o'er their tea,
With ſcandal time did kill;
That well muſt empty as you ſee,
In ſieves that never fill.
That miſer, who the heart had ne'er
To lay his ill-got gains out,
Now ſhrinking, trembling, quakes for fear,
That rock ſhould knock his brains out.
Har.

Another amuſement in your ſtile.

RECITATIVE.
Bel.
And ſo, Sir, in politeſt faſhion,
Having deſcrib'd hell's recreation;
To know your choice, I muſt requeſt, Sir,
Is't boil'd, or roaſted, you like beſt, Sir.
Hor.

Boiled or roaſted? I'cod, I like either when the meat's tender.

[6]
RECITATIVE.
Bel.
You have not, Sir, my meaning hit,
Here, here, Tiſiphone, bring a ſpit,
Har.

Nay, now, but zounds, you would not be ſo damn'd unmerciful, would ye? Ah!

[Aſtorath comes on.]
RECITATIVE.
Aſt.
Hold, Belphegor; Pluto ordains,
Hell ſhall to-day throw'off her chains;
For Proſerpine arriv'd here is,
From viſiting her mother Ceres;
Frolick, then devils, ſport and play,
And celebrate hell's holiday.
Aſt.

My dear friend, how much I am obliged to you! if you had not come as you did, Oh! I ſhould have been ſkewer'd upon that damn'd ſpit like a truſſed rabbit.

[Whilſt the infernals ſing and form a dance, Harlequin retires, and ſeems thoughtful; towards the end, be appears to have hit on ſomething that pleaſes him.]
Har.

How deviliſh merry you are, all of you! you forget that your torments are to-morrow to begin again. Oh that infernal ſpit! I ſhall never be able to bear the fight of roaſt meat again: but come, 'tis no time to talk; we are unchained, and unguarded, and let us ſeize this favourable opportunity to make our eſcape.

[7]
RECITATIVE.
Tor. Spir.
But how? At the door is plac'd, as curb o'er us,
A curſt three-headed dog—one Cerberus,
Fair mercy's torch in blood who ſlakes,
To fatten his peſtiferous ſnakes.
Har,

Oh, Lord! I am no ſtranger to the tremendous race of Cerberus; we have a tolerable number of them upon earth; yet I never heard but that the greateſt ſnarler of them all might be occaſionally quieted with a ſop; the queſtion therefore is, will you follow me, and eſcape; or ſtay here, and be roaſted.

CHORUS.
Follow, we're by juſtice ſpurr'd;
Courage and liberty's the word!
Of mirth and paſtime be profuſe,
The devil's trick'd and hell's broke looſe.

SCENE, The entrance into Tartary and Elyſium. The court of Minos concealed by a curtain. A croud of ſpirits are diſcovered.

1ſt Spir.

If it be true that hell's broke looſe, how comes the court to ſit? 'Tis a general goal-delivery.

2d Spir.

Yes; but every ſpirit does not chuſe to take the benefit of the act. For my part, I've been a practitioner in the law; I know there is a flaw in my indictment, and I ſhall appeal to the bench of Minos, Aeacus, and Rhadamanthus.

Cryer.
[8]

Stand by; make way.

1ſt Spir.

Theſe are the priſoners; 'tis a full calendar. Pray, Sir, what diſtemper ſent you into this world?

3d Spir.

That's more than I can tell you, friend; I left three phyſicians diſputing about it, while the breath ſlipped out of my body.

2d Spir.

Under favour, Sir, how came the world to be deprived of your good company?

3d Spir.

Sir, I died of honour.

2d Spir.

Of honour!

3d Spir.

Yes, Sir. I had picked up about three thouſand pounds at a certain club, and was juſt making off with my booty, when a gentleman in company detecting a die in my ſleeve, called me out and killed me in a duel.

4th Spir.

I did, indeed, you ſcoundrel. And to ſee how partial theſe ſame laws of honour are! the halter you ought to have been throttled with has ſent me out of the world after you.

Sailor.

How now, meſsmate, is the court martial ſitting?

1ſt Spir.

The judges are aſſembled.

Sailor.

Be it ſo. Every man who founders upon death's lee-ſhore muſt be tried for the loſs of his veſſel, though 'tis the fate of us all in our turns.

[The court is diſcovered.]
Cryer.

Stand by, Madam, why do you preſs to the bar in ſuch haſte?

Lady.

Give me a hearing, friend, I ſhall be ungrateful.

Cryer.
[9]

Oh, Madam, no bribing here; the poor have precedence in this world, to recompence them for their lot in the other.

Min.

Call up that Negro man to the bar.

Neg.

O deary me! O deary me! what ſhall Black ſay for himſelf when white man ſit in judgment?

Min.

Fear nothing, tell your ſtory.

Neg.

O! Negar man tell no ſtory; me do my poſſible for Maſſa; me hole his canes; me fetch de bundle of graſs every night for de mools; me work dam hard; and yet, Maſſa, Heaven forgive him, ſtrip, and whip, and cut, poor Negro man all to piece.

Min.

Horrible barbarity! advance that ſpirit to the pleaſures of Elyſium. What have we hero, a whole ſhip's company! Clear the bar; who are you?

Lieu.

Britiſh hearts, ſo pleaſe your Reverence, we died for the honour of old England; we are brave ſhip's crew, ſerved under a brave admiral, and met a brave death.

Min.

Sling a cot for theſe brave fellows in the fineſt citron grove in Elyſium.

Lieu.

Pleaſe your Worſhip to flow theſe honeſt lads alongſide of me. I ſhould like to cuff a cann, and talk over matters with my meſſmates.

Min.

Brother, are you content?

Aecus and Rad.

We are content, let them paſs.

Min.

What man is that?

1ſt Pour Man.

I am a poor man, Sir, and I was hanged for ſtealing eighteen pence; but I have done ſome good things, for I ſupported an aged parent, was a very tender huſband, a kind father, and ruined myſelf by being bail for a friend.

Min.
[10]

Pray, man, don't ſtand trumpeting forth your virtues in this manner; get thee into Elyſium. What ſtrange gorteſque figure have we here?

AIR.
Punch.
Can't you ſee by my hunch, Sir,
Faddledy, daddledy, dino,
I am maſter Punch, Sir?
Riberi, biberi, bino.
Fiddledy, diddledy, faddledy, daddledy,
Robbery, bobbery, ribery, bibery,
Faddledy, daddledy, dino,
Ribery, bibery, bino.
That merry fellow,
Punchinello,
Dancing here, you ſee, Sir,
Whoſe mirth not hell
Itſelf can quell
He's ever in ſuch glee, Sir.
Niddlety, noddlety, niddlety, noddlety, nine;
Then let me paſs, old Grecian,
Faddledy, daddledy, dino.
To the fields Elyſian,
Bibery, bibery, bino,
Fiddledy, diddledy, faddledy, daddledy,
Robery, bobery, ribery, bibery,
Faddledy, daddledy, dino,
Ribery, bibery, bino,
[11]II.
My ranting, roaring Pluto,
Faddledy, daddledy, dino,
Juſt to a hair will ſuit Oh,
Bibery, bibery, bino.
Faddledy, &c.
Each jovial fellow,
At Punchinello,
Will, laughing o'er his cup roar,
I'll rant and revel,
And play the devil,
And ſet all hell in an uproar,
Niddlety, noddlety, nino.
Then let me paſs, &c.
Min.

Indeed, Miſter Punch, I think the world would be too ſplenetic, if they were deprived of you; I would therefore adviſe you to take a trip back again.

[The infernals here ſing the Chorus behind]

What noiſe is that?

Cryer.

The infernals are making merry.

Min.

Od ſo! upon this joyful occaſion, Proſerpine has invited me to an elegant fete-champetre in Elyſium, and ſhe'll be angry to the laſt degree if I ſhould exceed my appointment; ſo, d'ye hear, all the reſt may have leave to go back again to earth guilty or not guilty.

[The ſpirits go off, and the infernals who have broke out of Tartarus come on, ſinging the Chorus, with Harlequin in triumph on their ſhoulders; when they all paſs the ſtage the ſcene changes.]

SCENE, The entrance into hell. A view of the Styx and the oppoſite ſhore, &c.

[12]
AIR.
Cer.
Though rude my form, though I'm unbred,
Yet I am pamper'd high and fed;
On Ins I fawn, the Outs I ſpurn,
And thus am fawn'd on in my turn;
Who does not envy me's a novice,
For though a dog I am in office.
RECITATIVE.
But, hark! what a confounded noiſe,
Like thunder, winds, or mad ſchool-boys;
Or like fiſh-women o'er a dram,
Or dykes broke down at Amſterdam.
[The infernals in attempting to get out are repulſed by Cerberus; Harlequin endeavours to paſs him, and at laſt jumps over his head; after which he drives the others back again, and follows them. Harlequin finding himſelf eſcaped, is running off, when he ſees Punch, who comes on, hearing the noiſe, and who was waiting for Charon's return from the other ſide of the Styx to ferry him over to earth.
Har.

Zounds, I have fought like a lion! Now, if I can but find any method to coax over maſter Charon. Why, what; is it poſſible! Punch, art thou here?

[13]
[...]un.
Bibbity, wobbity, we, we, we,
'Tis merry Punch himſelf you ſee;
With uſual nonſenſe, noiſe and mirth,
From hell ſent back to live on earth.
Har.

My dear old friend, I'll be thy fellow traveller: but ſtay, I am afraid here's ſomebody coming to ſtop our journey; follow me as hard as ever you can drive.

[Belphegor comes on.]
RECITATIVE.
Bel.
Harlequin, ſtop; where are you running?
We devils love a bit of cunning;
And Pluto, this ſame fine commence,
Pardons far wit of the offence.
Pun.
Do, do, loddledy di.
Bel.
And ſays,
To earth, you ſtrait may go your ways,
If one condition you'll agree on;
But 'tis a labour Herculean.
Har.

Let us know what it is however; any thing is better than being ſpitted.

Bel.
Within ſix months, his highneſs' will is,
You bring him here ſome lovely Phillis,
Sixteen years old; but take good heed,
She's virgin in thought, word and deed.
Har.
[14]

This is a reſpite only, and not a pardon. A girl of ſixteen years old, who has never even wiſhed to be married; I would ſooner undertake to find a white crow.

Pun.
Riddle, rummy, rins.
Bel.
Well, ſir,
Shall I conduct you back to hell, Sir.
Har.

No, no—no—no—I did not mean that. Zounds, you are too haſty: no, damn it; ſix months are better than nothing. A virgin in thought, word and deed! but how am I to find her out? for they are plenty enough, if you'll take their words for it.

AIR.
Bel.
If ſhe breathes on this glaſs,
No female can paſs
Falſe virtue for true.
Pun.
Drololette.
Bel.
For though cloſe to her face,
Yet fair will its ſurface
Reflect, if ſhe never.
Pun.
Tiralette.
Tira, lira, trole, trole;
Dira, lira, drole, drole;
Tira, lira, lira, lira, lette.
[15]II.
Bel.
But ſhould chance to you bring,
If there is ſuch a thing,
A lady unchaſte.
Pun.
Drololette.
Bel.
A ſort of black varniſh
The ſurface will tarniſh,
And prove ſhe has often
Pun.
Tiralette.
Tira, lira, &c.
RECITATIVE
Bel.
A ſword and charm, two good eſſentials,
Will now make up all your credentials.
Pun.
Octy, octy, oh—
Zon, zon, zon, zon—
Har.
Marchons, marchons
Pun.
Je le veux bien, Hola, Charon.
[Charon takes them off in his boat, and the ſcene cloſes.]
End of the FIRST PART.

PART II.

[16]

SCENE I. The Antipodes.

Harlequin and Punch.
Har.

At length, my dear friend Punch, we are arrived at the antipodes. See what a number of ſtrange figures are yonder.

1ſt Ant.
Ereht ſeog ohu.
Pun.
Tarrandum.
Har.
What do they ſay?
Pun.
I underſtand 'em,
In topſy-turvy lingo rare,
Then boldly cry aut, Who goes there?
Har.

Well, we can give a good account of ourſelves, that's one thing. Tell them we are ambaſſadors from the devil, and aſk them who they are, and what they are about.

Pun.
Terira, tira, wira, dira.
1ſt Ant.
Dinina, hera, in hira cleara.
Pun.
They're ſome great perſons of their nation,
Here dining on a cold collation.
Har.

I am mighty curious to know ſomething of their cuſtoms and manners; but they are ſuch a deviliſh way off there's hardly any hearing them; and if we go head-foremoſt among them, we ſhall make a develiſh clatter among their bottles and glaſſes; and in the mean time let us have ſome converſation with them. Aſk that gentleman in black who he is.

[17]
Pun.
Quiſitivimo?
2d Ant.
Skipalurny.
Pun.
His name is Probity, an attorney.
Har.

You muſt certainly be miſtaken in the name, Punch, or they have given it him by way of burleſque. Aſk him if he has fattened well lately upon the widow and fatherleſs.

Pun.
Havira, poorira, helpleſſira?
2d Ant.
Nevira, mirira, profeſſira.
Pun.
He ſays be fights all orphans battles,
Preſerving them their goods and chattels;
Of poor and helpleſs he's the guard,
And this for neither fee or reward.
Har.

Yes, yes, this is the world turned upſide down, ſure enough. I wonder who that thin gentleman is.

Pun.
Quivo tuto?
3d Ant.
Gli traditizens.
Pun.
He's one of many fellow citizens.
Who profits give of their vocation,
T' th' king for the defence o' th' nation.
Har.

I wiſh I could ſee the example imitated. Maſter Punch will you entreat that lady to tell us who ſhe is?

Pun.
Madama, trama, wama, pama?
4th Ant.
Vertita, rita, integrita.
Pun.
She is a lady of great beauty,
Whoſe only pleaſure is her duty;
Who loves nor revel, rout, nor riot,
Nor ought but her domeſtic quiet;
In marriage harneſs long time buckl'd,
Yet never heard the name of cuckold.
Har.
[18]

Lord! Lord! what a monſter ſuch a kind of animal would appear in our upper regions! But there's one thing I admire prodigiouſly; with two words they expreſs a whole ſentence: but I ſuppoſe as they differ from us in every thing elſe, ſo they do in that particular; and as we often ſay a great deal without expreſſing any thing, ſo every thing they ſay or do is to the purpoſe. If one could but import this ſecret, what a wonderful deal of unneceſſary haranguing it would ſave in ſome certain aſſemblies! Well, I long to be among them. But, how the devil ſhall we get there, for I can't walk upon my hands?

[They get behind a cloud and are taken up.]

SCENE, A rural proſpect in the midſt of Winter.

Harlequin, Punch, &c. &c.
Har.

Oh, Punch, how deviliſh cold it is! The iſicles hang on the trees like ſo many ropes of onions, and the ground is as hoary as an old hermit. I would fain try this ſame glaſs, but 'tis ſuch periſhing weather the females can't venture out; but I am afraid when they do, 'twill be to little purpoſe, for even the antipodes could not furniſh a girl of ſixteen years old who had never wiſhed to he married. By the way, there's a people for you, Punch.

[19]
AIR.
Pun.
Oh the bibby, bobby fellows, topſy turvy,
Of manners rare,
Who live in air,
Carouſing in jovial bands;
Who are never ſhabby, ſtingy, mean, nor ſcurvy;
Who no friends betray,
But who, happy and gay,
Neatly,
Featly,
Foot it away with their hands.
Their lawyers do no ill;
Their phyſicians never kill,
Their taverns make no bill;
Their wives are never ſhrill,
Their great are men of ſkill,
Their cockneys never ſwill,
Til, lil, deril, de ril.
Oh the bibby, bobby, &c.
They neither ſwear nor lie,
From their promiſe never fly,
To friends are never ſhy,
Never backbite, nor decry
Good friends this ſide the ſky;
Do, pray, a little try
The antipodean fry
He to exemplify.
Turidem, tidem, tidem, tidem, ti.
Oh the bibby, bobby, &c.
Har.
[20]

If it was not ſo immoderately cold, I ſhould be ready to leap out of my ſkin at the thoughts of being upon dear earth again. Suppoſe, by way of a little friſk, we were not to change the ſcene, but the ſeaſon; that is to ſay, let it be this very ſame place in the midſt of ſummer.

SCENE. Each object becomes as in the midſt of ſummer.

Har.

Ah, ha! this is ſomething like; now my lit-mirror will go to work; I ſee that; zounds! here they come in all their finery; ſummer, alone, can produce butterflies

(to a female)

Pray, my dear, did you ever wiſh to be married?

RECITATIVE.
1ſt Wom.
A thouſand times, you fool.
Pun.
Tidere,
Har.
That's plain enough, Punch.
Pun.
Frank and free.
H [...]
(To another)

Should you like to be married, my [...]

[21]
RECITATIVE.
2d Wom.
Married, be fetter'd, ſhackled, caged.
Pun.
Trolly lum,
2d Wom.
A ſlave to one engaged?
No, give me freedom, liberty and eaſe
To laugh and
Pun.
Tiralee, Tiralee.
2d Wom.
With whom I pleaſe.
Har.

Heyday! our glaſs will be of no uſe to us at this rate. Will you do me the favour to breathe on this glaſs, Madam,

[ſhe turns from him in ſcorn]

nay, Madam, don't be angry; 'tis a better thing for the complexion than Circaſſian bloom, or milk of roſes;

[ſhe turns back eagerly, and breathes on it]

as black as my face, by Jupiter.

Pun.
Flon, di, ron, don.
3d Wom.
What means the ſot?
Pun.
You've loſt; ton diron ton don, you know what.
Har.

Here comes a demure one, ſome hopes now. Madam, I am afflicted with a violent complaint; and the only poſſible cure for me is, for ſome kind-hearted lady, out of affection to me, to breathe on this glaſs, which, by an electric quality it has, will inſtantly reſtore me.

Prude.
You ſcurvy fellow, I aſſure you,
Aſk ſome fine forward minx to cure you;
My rigi [...] virtue!
Pun.
[who puts the glaſs to her mouth]
Dodlety, do, do.
Prude.
[22]

Is—

Pun.

—Marked here black as any crow.

Har.

Well ſaid, Madam Demure. Here's one coming who ſeems innocence itſelf. Will you breathe on this, glaſs love, for ſome ſugar-plumbs?

RECITATIVE.
Litt. G.
And thou, in jokes who ſo replete art,
Will thy glaſs give me a new ſweetheart?
Har.

This is a twig of a pretty forward growth; pray how old may you be?

RECITATIVE.
L. G.
Sir, I ſhall ſoon be in my teens;
Pun.
And pray, my beſt of little queens,
Could you love me?
L. G.
O Lord, Sir, no.
Har.
Nor me?
L. G.
Still worſe and worſe.
Har.
Why ſo?
L. G.
(To Punch)
To you their liberty who gi's up,
Muſt think they've marry'd maſter Aeſop;
And you, pray think me not uncivil,
They've made a huſband of the devil.
Har.

A good intelligent young lady at twelve years old. And pray, my dear, have you a mama? Oh, very well; how arch and ſignificant; and, I ſuppoſe, you hope to be, one day or other, as wise as ſhe is?

[23]
AIR.
L. G.
Whenever I've ſeen her jeering,
Coquetting, ogling, leering,
In abſence of papa;
In pleaſure ſweet confounded,
Oh, how my heart has bounded,
Thump, a thump, a thump,
To be wiſe as my mama.
II.
Or when, the captain's way in,
I have been ſent out playing
In abſence of papa;
While through the key-hole peeping,
Oh, how my heart was leaping,
Thump, a thump, a thump,
To be wiſe as my mama.
[She goes off.]
Har.

Well, my love, don't deſpair; it won't be long firſt, I'll anſwer for you. Come, Punch, let us beat the buſhes a little about here.

[They go off.]

SCENE, The Gardens of Ceres, Columbine as a ſtatue, Harlequin and Punch.

[24]
Har.

Here we are it ſeems in the gardens of Ceres; It ſeems ſhe has a whole train of virgins; but the query is, whether they are not

Pun.
"As wiſe as their mama." Tid de ritty tity ti.
Har.

What's this, Punch? a ſtatue! Zounds, ſuppoſe, by way of a frolick, we try the glaſs; for I am afraid we ſhall never get any thing fleſh and blood to anſwer our purpoſe. Pray, my pretty, dear, little delicate creature, are you ſixteen years old, and a maid in thought, word and deed?

[Col. nods graciouſly.]

Hey! what the devil's this? the words I have uttered are certainly ſome charm, that cunning, old thief, Pluto, has put in my mouth to animate this ſtatue. Give me the glaſs in a minute, Punch, for fear, having imbibed a few particles of amorous air, ſhe would have fallen in love with one of us.

[He holds the glaſs to Col. ſhe breathes on it]

Victoria, Victoria! 'tis as pure is ever. My ſweet creature, give me your hand

[ſhe jumps down]

But, Punch, oh, oh, oh,

(chuckling)

'tis a pity ſuch a tid bit as this ſhould be a bonne bouche for old Pluto. I'cod, ſuppoſe I keep her to myſelf. What's your name, my love?

[She ſhakes her head]

Dumb! oh, what an excellent quality in a wife! Yes, yes, I am determined to have her. Zounds, who comes here?

[Ceres comes on.]
[25]
AIR.
Ceres.
'My beehives are furniſhed with bees,
'Quickſet hedges my fences adorn;
'My woods are all planted with trees,
'And my fields yellow over with corn.
'I ſeldom have found any tares,
'Of ſuch uſe are my harrow and plough;
'In my orchards grow apples and pears;
'In my dairy there's milk from the cow.
II.
'Not an oak in my grove is there ſeen,
'But an ivy around it does creep;
'Not a yew tree's more rev'ren'd green,
'Whence a rev'ren'd owl does not peep.
'Not a bloſſom have I, or a bud,
'But in time, fruit or flower reveals;
'Not a river that's bottom'd with mud,
'But produces me plenty of eels.
[26]III.
'From the farm-yard, the ſtable, the pens,
'What ſtrains drown the threſher's rude ſtroke!
'How ſheep, ducks and geeſe, cocks and hens,
'Cackling love, parade dunghills that ſmoke!
'Other farms may, perhaps, be more clean,
'Outhouſes and hovels more fine;
'Other owners more courtly be ſeen,
'But their profit's not equal to mine.
RECITATIVE.
Ceres.
Hey! why and wherefore is this clatter?
Speak: what the devil is the matter?
Why, driv'ler, dolt, clown, fool, clod-pated,
How came this ſtatue animated?
Har.

This is Madam Ceres, I ſuppoſe. I beg ten thouſand pardons, Madam; I would not attempt to impoſe upon you for the world; and ſeeing you are a mild-ſpoken gentlewoman, Ma'am, I'll tell you the whole truth, Madam. His highneſs, your ſon-in-law, Mr. Pluto, great king of the devils, ſent me to earth upon a fool's errand, to look for a perfect virgin of ſixteen, to keep him company next time your daughter comes to viſit you; ſo, Madam, thinks I, I won't adminiſter to any of his wicked pleaſures, I'll go and tell good Madam Ceres the whole ſtory. Hey, Punch!

Pun.
[27]

Doddledy didum do.

Har.

And ſo, Madam, coming into your garden, where I have been looking in every crick and corner to find you, chance directed me to this ſtatue, and ſo by way of a little foolery talking to it, as if it was alive, crack in a moment down it jumped, as liſſom, I warrant you, as you or I.

RECITATIVE.
Ceres.
The charm is broke, then—Oh, the villain!
I'd ſtrangle him had he lives a million.
It was foretold at feaſts eſtival,
This girl ſhould be my daughter's rival;
I therefore fix'd her here an image,
And to th' oracle made pilgrimage;
It anſwered, "She ſhall be your charge in,
"Till one ſhall aſk if ſhe's a virgin,
"And ſhould this one be Harlequino,
"He'll trick old nick and marry Colombino."
Har.
[28]

Oh, dam'me! deſtiny itſelf is concerned in my affairs. Madam Ceres don't make yourſelf uneaſy; if the young gentlewoman's name is Colombine, ſhe belongs to me by all the laws pantomimical. And as to Maſter Pluto—zounds, what's come over me!

[Diſcordant Sounds are heard.]
Pun.
Grumble rumble roo.
Ceres.
Your power forſakes you!
Har.
Oh, miſericorde!
Ceres.
And if he takes you!
Har.

Oh, Madam! you need not tell me the conſequence; ſpitting would not ſerve his turn this bout. What ſhall I do? Why was I ſo damned brave all of a ſudden?

RECITATIVE.
Ceres.
Liſten! I'll try if my power ſuch is,
To keep you from the devil's clutches;
Mean time, get rid fear and chagrin of,
And hie to a town which I am queen of;
At whoſe gate ſhall vict'ry ſtand portreſs,
Whilſt 'gainſt thoſe thieves you raiſe a fortreſs;
Come on—I'll now without more parley,
Burn ſomething elſe than wheat or brley.
[29]AIR.
When firſt the villain ſtole that lamb,
My daughter, from her mother's ſide,
I, meek and gentle as I am,
Vex'd ſhe ſhould be the devil's bride,
In wild amaze,
Set every field,
And all the wheat-ſheaves it did yield,
Juſt like a bonfire in a blaze.
But now, if juſtice I'm deny'd,
The ſun I'll quench, the earth I'II fire;
Jove's heaven, Neptune's briny tide,
And hell ſhall feel my vengeful ire;
Ev'n Chaos, as in furious paſſion
I lift my hand,
Shall frighted ſtand,
And dread leſt the impending ſtorm,
Should his unſhapen'd maſs deform,
And ſwallow in the conflagration.

SCENE, A ſea view with a fortified town at a diſtance. Harlequin, Colombine, and Punch.

[30]
Har.

Come along, Punch, and you my ſweet little Colombine; madam Ceres has made me commander in chief of a whole fleet, up at the back of this rock we embark.

[They go off, and are ſeen after to paſs on the water; Pluto's party then come on, and after embarking, are ſeen to follow them; when they are all out of ſight, the ſcene cloſes.]

SCENE, A fortified Town.

[After a cannonading, enter ſeveral Townſmen.]
1ſt T.

Bleſs me, what a thundering's here! what fire-ſpitting!

Iriſh.

And how the cannon balls take the ſide of a houſe here, and a ſide of a houſe there, and mend up the breach with a ſtack of old chimnies!

3d T.

I had the roof of my houſe taken fairly off by a ſhot from a cannon, and another clapped in the place of it.

Iriſh.

I believe, your cannon's a gun, my dear.

1ſt T.

What, you think he tells a lie! that's nothing: I have ſeen a ſteeple taken clean off a church, and another placed in its ſtead, with twenty men ringing the bells.

2d T.
[31]

'Pſhaw, what's that? I ſaw an old man's head placed on a young man's ſhoulders.

3d T.

But, woe be to the potters! I ſaw a hand-grenade in one of their ſhops, and the pots, pipkins, and glaſſes at fiſtycuffs with it at ſuch a rate, you would have ſworn a whole legion of devils had been at football there.

Iriſh.

The devil burn me, but I am afraid ſome of us will find ourſelves knocked in the head to-morrow morning when we wake.

1ſt T.

Ah! they have rid me of as good a wife as a man would deſire to part withal.

Iriſh.

By my ſoul, I'd take the law of them.

2d T.

Why, do you think there is any law for thoſe cannon bullets, then?

3d T.

No! Prithee, run to a grenade as it comes piping hot out of a mortar-piece, and ſay you take the law of it.

1ſt T.

Neighbour, I can but think what lanes a chain ſhot would make in the law; and how like an aſs a judge would look with his head ſhot off.

Iriſh.

Why to be ſure, to have one's head ſhot off, would put any man out of countenance.

1ſt T.

Madam Ceres has done very kindly by us indeed, to place us in a town where we are beſieged by the devil.

2d T.

What ſhall we do?

1ſt T.

Let us to her temple, and beg of her to compound for ſuch limbs as we want moſt in our callings. Let me ſee, thou art a fencer; thou ſhall give thy legs to ſecure thy arms.

2d T.
[32]

Thau art a dancer, thou ſhall give thy head to ſecure thy legs.

3d T.

Thou art a cuckold, thou ſhall give thy horns to thy head.

[The cannonading begins again.]
Iriſh.

Oh dear, I am killed.

[Drops.]
1ſt T.

What's the matter?

Iriſh.

Oh! I am killed; let me be carried off before I come to myſelf, for I cannot bear to be ſhot to be dead, as I am a living man.

[They go off, the canonnading increaſes, and the devils are upon the point of becoming victorious, when Ceres appears.]
RECITATIVE.
Ceres.
A truce, ye devils, take poſſeſſion,
The town ſurrenders at diſcretion.
If on conditions fair and handſome
My friends I may have leave to ranſom;
If not, and you come on pell-mell againſt us,
We'll drub you, tho' you raiſed all hell againſt us.
[A retreat is ſounded, and Ceres, after going off, comes on the ſtage with Harlequin, Colombine, and Punch, the ſcene changing.]
[33]
RECITATIVE.
Ceres.
They've beat us now; but all my truſt is,
When I am heard in a court of juſtice,
Pluto to ſwallow will find too bitter,
The pill he's forc'd to take by Jupiter;
This note ſhall round my finger wind him,
Take it, good Harlequin, you'll find him,
If through the air you will go on ſtrait,
Liſtening to mortals who remonſtrate;
Fly, fly; to make your journey momentary,
My chariot ſtays on yonder promontary.

SCENE, Jupiter ſitting in the clouds, liſtening to the complaints of Mortals.

Jup.
Ceaſe, mortals, ceaſe; as I'm a ſinner,
I ſhall not get a bit of dinner.
Mort.
Great Jupiter we all implore.
Jup.
I will not hear a mortal more.
Merc.
Oh, Jupiter! you will a laſs adore,
From Ceres brought by an ambaſſador.
Jup.
Dear Mercury let the girl appear,
And keep the reſt without.
Merc.
Theyr'e here.
Enter Harlequin, Colombine, and Punch.
Har.

I have the honour to preſent a petition to your magnanimous, celeſtial, potent, and moſt fulminating highneſs, from good dame Ceres, the goddeſs of plenty.

[34]
Jun.
Already the fond thing obey'd is,
I love to take the part of the ladies.
Har.

Why, yes, and pleaſe your highneſs's goodſhip's honour, you have had a fine parcel of pleaſant pranks to get at them, as a body may ſay.

Pun.

Ods amoroſo.

[...]up.
Faith, thou art comical;
But truce, my gravity now home I call;
Old Pluto's tricks I'll not connive at:
Of this you ſhall know more in private;
Mean time, I'll iſſue ſuch a fiat,
As ſhall henceforward keep him quiet.
[Jupiter hands off Colombine; Harlequin and Mercury follow him; Punch finding himſelf alone, regards about, and at laſt goes up to Jupiter's ſeat, which he had been examining ſeveral times in the courſe of the preceding ſcene.]
RECITATIVE.
Pun.
That hole through the light ſo gliſtens,
Is where to mortals ſuits he liſtens;
Odds comicalimo! how they gabble!
Icod, I'll judge them! here you rabble,
To bully of judging is the marrow;
I ſay, you fellow, mortal, ſirrah!
What's that betwixt your teeth you mumble?
I'll teach you, villain, how to grumble.
[35]AIR.
That man bababirobette,
You tell me, on a houſe did get,
High, high, high, diddlety do;
And fell with all the force he could,
On you as underneath you ſtood,
Low, low, low, bibbety bo.
I therefore will that birobette.
You ſtrait upon a houſe do get,
High, high, high, diddlety do;
And fall with all the force you can,
Upon that very ſelf-ſame man,
Low, low, low, bibity bo.
II.
You woman, tira flon down dai [...]e,
Of yonder charioteer complain,
Octy, octy, oh jehu, jeho;
That by his means you are undone,
For he drove o'er and killed your ſon,
Octy, octy, oh bibity bo.
I therefore, tira flon down dee,
Ordain, d' you mind me, Ma'am, that he,
Octy, octy, oh jehu, jeho;
Inſtant repair the ill he's done,
By getting you another ſon,
Octy, octy, oh bibity bo.
[36]III.
You, Madam, trilly, lolly, lo,
In tears are come to let me know,
Sad, ſad, ſad, diddlety do,
Your friend, while envy lurk'd beneath,
Told all the world you had falſe teeth.
Bad, bad, bid, bibity bo.
I therefore, Madam, holty lum,
Give leave, whene'er at rout or drum,
Mad, mad, mad, diddlety do;
You next ſhall meet her, juſt for gig,
You fairly may pull off her wig,
Glad, glad, glad, bibbity bo.
IV.
'Thou old miſer, Boudrillum,
'Againſt you ragged man art come,
'Creep, creep, creep, diddlety do.
'For that he, from your hoard to day,
'Hath a whole guinea ſtolen away,
'Weep, weep, weep, diddlety do.
''Tis ſhameful, faith, and boudrillee
'For thy revenge I here decree,
'Skip, ſkip, ſkip, diddlety do;
'Thou poor; whilſt he, in wealth ſhall ſwim,
'Shalt a whole guinea ſteal from him;
'Trip, trip, trip, bibity bo.
[37] Enter Harlequin.
Har.

Why, where the devil is Punch got to? ha! ha! he! I ſhall never recover myſelf; he is got into Jupiter's chair, hearing cauſes

RECITATIVE.
Pun.
Ods, bobs, who call'd you into court?
I've here been having precious ſport;
For my degrees they've given me handſel here;
I'm made god Jupiter's lord chancellor.
Har.

I beg ten thouſand pardons for not giving you your title before, Mr. god Jupiter's lord chancellor; but, at preſent, your profound wiſdom and fathomleſs penetration are wanted out of Jupiter's court of equity into his court of Doctors Commons, where Pluto, ſummoned up to heaven on purpoſe, is juſt going to be arraigned; and the affair has made ſo much noiſe, that all the inhabitants, infernal, terreſtrial, and celeſtial, are aſſembled at it; 'twill be a fine day's work for us; Jupiter is as hot, at preſent, upon doing juſtice, as he is ſometimes upon committing depredations; he intends to make my dear Colombine a conſtellation; you are to turn Momus out of his place; and I am to be, Oh, dam'me, I don't know what I am to be; come along, Punch, we ſhall be too late.

SCENE the laſt. A palace in the clouds; Jupiter on a throne; other gods and goddeſſes ſeated round, as in acourt of juſtice, Pluto at the bar, and Ceres oppoſite him as his accuſer.

[38]
RECITATIVE.
Jup.
Clerk, read again the indictment to us
"You, Pluto, alias Orcus; Februus,
"Alias Ageleſtus, alias Aades,
"Alias Sumanus, theſe here ladies
"Accuſe you, for you did deviſe,
"No fear of wedlock 'fore your eyes,
"By force of club, and ſtick, and ſtaff."
Ceres.
You are too tedious, friend, by half,
Here, in the face if all this royalty,
I do accuſe him of diſloyalty;
A doating fool! ſhall his chops water
For any other than my daughter?
Jup.
Peace, deareſt Madam, peace, for his are eyes
Too honeſt to conceal his miſeries;
You've laid upon his ſoul an unction
That irritates him to compunction.
Behold his tears, is that heart harden'd?
He'd ſin no more if he was pardon'd.
[They all riſe; Jupiter leads Pluto to Proſerpine and Ceres, who meet them in the center of the ſtage.]
Your feelings keep not, man, in narrow bounds,
But down at once, upon your marrowbones;
Plu.
There then, and now, with due contrition,
To my wrong'd wife, I make ſubmiſſion.
[39]Jup.
So have I ſeen a watchman follow
A thief, with rattle, and with hollow,
'Till reinforc'd, like pig in pound-douce,
They've laid him by the heels i'the round-houſe;
Man's reaſon, thus, ſhould hourly watch him,
At every little trip to catch him.
To quell vile paſſions that aſpire in him.
Merc.
What aro you doing, Friend?
Pun.
Admiring him.
Jup.
Yet one neglect we ſhould be chided for,
(To Col.)
Theſe good folks muſt be well provided for;
And now in muſic do not ſcrimp us,
But let your catgut ſhake Olympus.
CHORUS.
Let heaven ard hell and earth this day,
Together ſing a roundelay:
In treble ſhrill, let heaven begin;
Let baſs expreſs hell's growling din:
Let tenor ſpeak earth's midway tones,
'Till all the worlds 'twixt both the zones,
T'admire the moſt, ſhall not tell whether,
Heaven, Hell, or earth, or all together.
THE END.
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Citation Suggestion for this Object
TextGrid Repository (2020). TEI. 3606 The mirror or harlequin every where A pantomimical burletta in three parts As it is performed at the Theatre Royal in Covent Garden. University of Oxford Text Archive. . https://hdl.handle.net/21.T11991/0000-001A-5CC6-E