[]
THE Life, Death, and Renovation OF TOM THUMB; A LEGENDARY BURLETTA, IN ONE ACT, As it is PERFORMED at the ROYAL CIRCUS.
Printed in the Year MDCCLXXXV.
CHARACTERS.
[]- KING,
- MR. JOHANNOT,
- TOM THUMB,
- MASTER GERALD,
- O'GRIZZLE,
- MRS. HENLEY,
- NOODLE,
- MR. HENLEY,
- DOODLE,
- MR. COPELAND,
- MERLIN,
- MR. LEECH,
- DOLLALOLLA,
- MRS. HASKER,
- GLUMDALCA,
- MR. LEECH,
- HUNCAMUNCA,
- MISS JAMESON.
[] THE Life, Death, and Renovation OF TOM THUMB.
SCENE. Anti-Chamber in the Palace.
NOODLE and DOODLE meeting.
DUETTO.
THIS is a day, in days of yore,
Our fathers never ſaw before;
This is a day, 'tis one to ten,
Our ſons will never ſee again.
Then ſing the day,
And ſing the ſong,
And let's be merry
All day long.
This is the day,
And that's the night,
When the ſun ſhall be gay,
And the moon ſhall be bright.
The ſun ſhall riſe
All in the ſkies,
The moon ſhall go
All down below.
Then ſing the day, &c.
RECITATIVE.
DOODLE.
This is a day—a day—a day, my Noodle,
We never ſaw before.
NOODLE.
'Tis true, friend Doodle,
Millions of captive giants hither come,
Crowding the chariot-wheels of Tommy Thumb,
Who is, his praiſe in one ſhort word to lump it,
A ſucking god.
DOODLE.
But hark! that jocund trumpet
The King announces.
NOODLE.
I muſt go, friend Doodle.
DOODLE.
And I alſo, ſweet-ſpoken Mr. Noodle.
For oh! the court is ſhook with dire alarms,
And all 'bout arms and love, and love and arms.
AIR.
What's the warrior's feuds and quarrels,
Deeds of arms and ſwelling fame,
If love keep not alive his laurels,
And add new luſtre to his name?
Hard blows for honour a poor trade is,
In either foreign wars or civil;
But when we arm to pleaſe the ladies,
Who'd not with pleaſure fight the devil?
SCENE II.
[5]KING, QUEEN, and all the Court.
RECITATIVE.
KING.
Let all the world, man, woman, girl, and boy,
Dog, cat, and jack-aſs, wear a face of joy;
The man that frowns to-day we'll knock un down,
Or cut off's head, and then he cannot frown;
Smile, Dollalolla—Ha!—what wrinkled ſorrow
From thy ſweet eyes their chearfulneſs doth borrow?
Why ſlow thoſe tears—inform—ſay—tell—ſpeak—utter—
Faſt down thy blubber cheeks like a ſwoln gutter?
QUEEN.
That thus, my liege, I ſnivel beyond meaſure,
'Tis not exceſſive grief.
KING.
What then?
QUEEN.
Exceſſive pleaſure.
KING.
I believe you lye, Doll.
QUEEN.
No, my Liege.
KING.
[6]The Devil!
If it be ſo for joy let all men ſnivel.
AIR.
Tho' booby ſages prate and chat,
There's nought ſo ſure as this and that
To give the mind relief;
I ſay life's pleaſure wants alloy,
And that the world has no ſuch joy
As good ſubſtantial grief:
Let all before us
Bear a chorus,
Hum drum, lackaday,
Groan, moan, grunt away;
Life's pleaſures want alloy,
In chorus then—cry for joy.
II.
The wretch who hides his hoard with care,
Jealous leſt the very air
Should kiſs the ſhining droſs,
Let ſome one but his treaſure ſteal,
Would he not more its value feel
When crying for its loſs:
Let all, &c.
KING.
Cry all—that's right—be ſorrier ſtill, and ſorrier,
But hark!—the little great Tom Thumb, that warrior,
Like Titus juſt—in cruelty a Nero.
SCENE III.
[7]KING, QUEEN, the Court, GLUMDALCA, and TOM THUMB.
He comes—he comes—come to my arms, my hero,
Had I two realms, to reward thee I'd throw both in.
What ſhall I ſay to thank thee, Tommy?
TOM THUMB.
Nothing.
QUEEN.
Oh modeſt youth!
KING.
What figure ſtrikes my eye,
So dubous I can neither laugh nor cry?
The Gods ſure hammer'd out that form uncommon,
Who, having finiſh'd, cry'd—this is a woman.
GLUMDALCA.
Then were the Gods confoundedly miſtaken:
I am a gianteſs, who this morn did waken
Queen of a kingdom—ſtor'd with giants plenty,
Whereof for huſbands we ourſelf had twenty.
AIR.
Twenty giants at my call,
Gruff and grum, and ſtrait and tall,
As Gog and Magog in Guildhall,
Did ſtately round me waddle:
[8]
But then, to ſee them in one day
Torn from my longing arms away,
Ah! who can live, and bear it ſay—
Oh! 'tis a monſtrous twaddle.
QUEEN.
Ma'am, with a woman's eye we view your ſorrow,
But be conſol'd, tall queen; wait till to-morrow,
Your twenty giants, whoſe renown you've thundred,
Shall be replac'd by grenadiers a hundred.
KING.
Good manners to you, Madam, ne'er ſhall fail us;
Think us your landlord, and our court an alehouſe;
Call here for what you pleaſe, and nothing pay:
But thee, Tom Thumb—what can reward thee ſay.
TOM THUMB.
My liege, would you requite my deeds in arms,
Let me poſſeſs ſweet Huncamunca's charms.
AIR.
If helmet and ſpear, buckler, arrow, and bow,
And ſuch kind of objects, can charm her eye,
As many I'll bring as the Tower can ſhew,
Including both great and ſmall armory:
With rub a dub,
And dub a dub rub,
I'll bet the proudeſt a guinea,
That ye girls you'll all ſay,
In love's battle array,
Tom Thumb is the lad that can win ye.
[9]II.
In a huſband like me a protector ſhe'll find,
I can quarrel at will, or be civil,
To the ladies a hero ſhould always be kind,
With the enemy fight like a Devil.
With a rub, &c.
KING.
Our daughter! why, you would not—ſtay—ſtop—
QUEEN.
Oh!
Lie ſtill, my ſoul.
KING.
You ſhall—you ſha'n't—yes—no—
His worth's a gem.
QUEEN.
Were it of the firſt water,
I ſay and ſwear he ſhall not wed my daughter.
TOM THUMB.
O gracious queen! thoſe fatal words recall;
KING.
His merit weigh.
QUEEN.
He ſha'n't.
KING.
Why then he ſhall.
[10]AIR.
Know you, and yonder tiny thing,
Whatever hero he be,
Though he a gen'ral, you a king,
I'm one upon your tibby.
Yankee, doodle, dooble, doo,
Tho' I'm a little bibby,
I'm very clear, and I ſay, you—
I'm one upon your tibby.
II.
I give my daughter to a mouſe!—
All goſſip, gig, and patter,
I'll out of window turn the houſe,
Or ſhew you what's the matter.
Yankee, &c.
III.
My granaum, when ſhe'd ta'en a ſup,
Could ſcold, ſo could my mother,
Leſt I ſhould wrong my bringing up,
I'd out-ſcold one and t'other.
Yankee, &c.
IV.
Thus wives ſhould give their huſbands laws,
For tho' their tongues may fail 'em,
While they've ſuch pretty things as claws,
They're always ſure to nail 'em.
Yankee, &c.
SCENE IV.
[11]KING, GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB.
KING.
Madam, before I rave, and rage, and lour,
At this ſame wife who doth uſurp our pow'r,
Let us to you ourſelf our palace tender,
Our bread and cheeſe, life, and ſoul, ſurrender,
Forgetting t'other fiend, and all her ſluttery,
Women—convey the princeſs to the buttery.
SCENE V.
KING, TOM THUMB.
KING.
Sure ſhe's an angel, but the word's too poor,
A goddeſs—but I lye, I am not ſure,
But that I love her—Madam's in the pouts,
What then! we were a pretty king of clouts
To truckle, fawn, and monkey tricks diſcover,
Each time ſhe chuſes to be half ſeas over.
AIR.
Shall I ſuch indignity,
Oh! what malignity,
Who the pow'r regal have got all,
Who am Landgrave and Margrave,
And Lord Paramount,
And a king, and the devil knows what all.
[12]
Shall I buckle to
A virago, a ſhrew,
Who in ev'ry point overreaches,
No, her pride ſhall come down,
And I ſwear by my crown,
Henceforth we'll ourſelf wear the breeches.
SCENE VI.
TOM THUMB, NOODLE.
TOM THUMB.
Truſt me, my Noodle, I am deviliſh qualmiſh,
For tho' I'd rather hang, or drown, or famiſh,
Than my true love ſhould meet with a miſcarriage,
Yet can I never gulp that pill call'd marriage.
But ſniff—what perfume comes?—I tell thee flat,
'Tis Huncamunca—or ſome civet cat.
Let's wait, and ſee if life or death ſhe brings.
Hark! ſhe approaches, and behold! ſhe ſings.
SCENE VII.
TOM THUMB, NOODLE, HUNCAMUNCA.
AIR.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Cupid, eaſe a love-ſick maid,
Bring thy quiver to her air;
With equal ardor wound the ſwain;
Beauty ne'er ſhould ſigh in vain.
[13]
Let him feel the pleaſing ſmart;
Drive thy arrow thro' his heart;
When one you wound, you then deſtroy;
When both you kill—you kill with joy.
TOM THUMB.
Fain would I ſpeak, but much I fear ſhe'll ſcoff.
SCENE VIII.
To them KING.
KING.
Let all but Huncamunca march.
TOM THUMB.
I'm off.
KING.
Whence is it, daughter—ſay, you charming ſlut—
The windows of your eyes are lately ſhut?
What is the fatal cauſe?—for drink and meat
I've order'd thee as much as thou can'ſt eat.
HUNCAMUNCA.
That formerly I danc'd an Iriſh jig,
And once I eat two fowls and half a pig,
Is but poor praiſe—but think, my lord! oh! think!
A maid may want what none can eat or drink.
KING.
Take care!—what image on my fancy ruſhes!
HUNCAMUNCA.
I mean a huſband, ſir—but ſpare my bluſhes.
KING.
[14]If that be all, I have provided one,
Who fears nor powder, ball, nor ſword nor gun;
A devil of a fellow—gueſs him, come.
HUNCAMUNCA.
I'll bet five hundred that you mean Tom Thumb.
KING.
The window blinds are gone, and every glance
Seems ſtanding up, to go down a country dance,
While thy big heart that thumping ſeems to labour,
Plays to that pipe, thy tongue the merry tabor.
AIR.
To Thumb will I
This moment hie,
Why ſhould I longer tarry,
When they're agreed,
Leſt worſe ſucceed,
Folks cannot too ſoon marry.
Not that thy charms,
From deeds of arms,
Shall hold him, or his duty,
Heroes ſhould burn,
Alike in turn,
For battle and for beauty.
So mighty Jove
Has fall'n in love,
And where's the mighty wonder?
But when on earth
Once o'er his wiſh,
He flies to wield the thunder.
SCENE IX.
[15]HUNCAMUNCA, GRIZZLE.
HUNCAMUNCA.
I'm like a ſoldier ſafe return'd from ſcrimmage,
Or one from drowning ſav'd, or like the image
That living iſſued from Prometheus' chiſſel,
But ſee the Iriſh general—great O'Grizzle.
GRIZZLE.
Where art thou Grizzle?—where are all thy glories?
Where all the nurſes, who in frightful ſtories
Uſed to ſcare children ſleeping on their pillar,
Like Malbrouk, Death, or Jack the Giant Killer.
Tom Thumb!—Shall ſuch an ugly low ſpalpeen
Firſt ſteal away my glory, then my queen?
How can ſo big a creature ſtoop ſo low,
Oh! Huncamunca—Huncamunca, oh!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Ha! doſt thou know the princeſs that I am?
That thus of me you dare to make your game.
GRIZZLE.
Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you
Are queen, and princeſs, and king's daughter too
But muſha honey, what the devil's dat,
Coblers and kings are dyed in the ſame vat,
Love knows no difference 'twixt high and low,
Oh! Huncamunca—Huncamunca, oh!
HUNCAMUNCA.
[16]But, granting all you ſay of love were true,
My love, alas! is to another due;
In vain to me a ſuitoring you come,
For I'm already promiſed to Tom Thumb.
AIR.
GRIZZLE.
Is it little Tom Thumb that you mean, and his battles,
Arrah, ſend him for play-things ſome whiſtles and rattles,
At the ſight of a ſword all his nerves would be quaking,
He fight! he kill giants!—is it game you are making?
As well may you tell us dat eagles fear larks,
That mice eat up lions, and ſprats ſwallow ſharks,
Then talk not of any ſuch nonſenſe to me,
With your confounded bod'rum bum boodle,
Liddle loodle,
Liddle lee.
II.
Tom Thumb, ſuch a ſhrimp ſure no eyes ever ſaw,
He handles his arms as a fly hugs a ſtraw;
To be ſure in the wars danger's certain to quit him,
For the taef 's ſuch a flea there's no bullet can hit him;
And then as to courage, my jewel, hoot hoot,
Arrah, did not I find him chin deep in my boot?
Then talk not, &c.
[17]III.
Tom Thumb marry you, muſha honey, be ayſy,
Were it not for your ſince I ſhould tink you gone crazy;
Shall a fine ſtately oſtrich thus wed a cock ſparrow?
'Twere a halberd ſtuck up by the ſide of an arrow;
Or a fly on a church, or a mountain and mouſe,
Or a piſmire that crawls by the ſide of a houſe.
Then talk not, &c.
HUNCAMUNCA.
If, ſir, what you inſinuate you prove,
All obſtacles of promiſe you remove;
For all engagements to a man muſt fall,
Whene'er that man is prov'd no man at all.
O'GRIZZL E.
To Doctors-Commons for a licence I
Will, like a bow ſhot from an arrow, fly.
AIR.
Tirlogh O'Grizzle is my name,
A martial trade I drive on;
Great hardſhips, ſtarving, blows, and fame,
A gen'ral well may thrive on;
To fight at flank, and front, and rear,
I never yet was lazy;
Then take me in your arms, my dear,
And I warrant I make you eaſy.
Let's rant and revel,
And play the devil,
And roar like people crazy.
[18]I'll lay any money,
My jewel my honey,
O'Grizzle ſhall make you eaſy.
II.
When dreſs'd out in your wedding geer,
Arrah, let no coxcomb tink, ſir,
That I'll let him whiſper in your ear,
Or even tip the wink, ſir;
I'll well protect you, never fear,
Though all mankind run crazy.
Then take me, &c.
SCENE X.
HUNCAMUNCA and TOM THUMB.
TOM THUMB.
Where is my princeſs, where that face that catches
And lights my heart, like bundles of card matches?
Oh! let not diſcord ever come between us,
Thy true Adonis I, and thou my Venus!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Oh! what are ſights to him who has no eye,
Or him who has no taſte a fat gooſe pye?
Make not 'bout vows to me ſuch a pother
For I, alas! am promis'd to another.
TOM THUMB.
Another!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Yes; O Grizzle, do but look;
Thou'lt ſee it writ in Fate's moſt fatal book.
TOM THUMB.
[19]I'll tear the leaf out, and reverſe the doom.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Oh! be not raſh!—In my heart ſtill there's room!
A maid like me was made at leaſt for two,
I'll marry him, but firſt I marry you.
TOM THUMB.
Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb!
HUNCAMUNCA.
Nay, don't ſtand chatt'ring there—t' th' wedding come.
AIR.
The younker, who his firſt eſſay
Makes in the front of battle,
Stands all aghaſt while cohorts play,
And bullets round him ra [...]tle.
But pride ſteps in, and now no more
Fell fear his jav'lin lances;
Like dulcet flutes the cannons roar,
And groans turn country dances.
So frights and flurries, and what not,
Upon my fancy ruſhes;
I fear I know not why or what,
I'm cover'd o'er with bluſhes.
[20]
But let the honey ſeaſon fly,
To ſecond well my clapper,
The kitchen's whole artillery
Shall grace my huſband's napper.
SCENE XI.
NOODLE and O'GRIZZLE with a Licence.
NOODLE.
Sure nature's turn'd an aſs—ſuch doings ſcurvy
I never ſaw, the court's turn'd topſy turvy;
The queen is drunk, and to a ſopha carried;
The king's ſtark mad in love—the princeſs married.
O'GRIZZLE.
Friend, haſt thou Huncamunca ſeen this way?
NOODLE.
Oh! I have ſeen a thouſand ſights to day,
More rare than devils, goblings, fiends, or ſprites;
The king and queen, and all the court, are ſights.
O'GRIZZLE.
Where is my Huncamunca, gra?
NOODLE.
By now
At th' altar ſhe's Tom Thumb's by ſolemn vow.
O'GRIZZLE.
My Huncamunca!—
NOODLE.
[21]Your's—his—mine! for cheaper
Is not the ſooty trull of chimney-ſweeper.
O'GRIZZLE.
If this be true, the devil take ev'ry ſhe.
NOODLE.
If it be falſe, the devil may take me.
SCENE XII.
O'GRIZZLE, KING, QUEEN, DOODLE, and all the Court—afterwards NOODLE.
KING.
Open the priſons—bring our privy purſe,
And bid our treaſurer ſix pounds diſburſe,
The lawyer's fees, and debtors debts to pay,
For this is of Tom Thumb the wedding day.
NOODLE.
Oh monſtrous! dreadful! horror diabolic!
I'm ſcared and frighted 'till I've got the cholic.
KING.
What does the blockhead mean?
NOODLE.
I mean, your highneſs,
That firſt I'am ſhock'd—next petrified—and finis,
[22]This is the fatal tale I have to utter—
Tom Thumb by chance had tumbled in a gutter,
When a fat brindled cow too quickly followed him,
And in a moment—can't you gueſs?
KING.
What!—ſwallow'd him?
NOODLE.
You've hit it,
KING.
Shut the priſons, grub up gardens;
And bid the treas'rer not diſburſe three fardens;
Hang all the thieves, guilty or not—no matter;
Let rapine, riot, and diſorder clatter,
From lawyers, parſons, and phyſicians hurl'd,
'Till Chaos come, and quite deform the world.
QUEEN.
Take hence with thee thy news to Lethe's tide.
[Kills Noodle.
O'GRIZZLE.
To revenge my friend thus I turn'd regicide.
[Kills the Queen.
HUNCAMUNCA.
Thee do I kill, for thou haſt killed my mother.
[Kills O'Grizzle.
DOODLE.
Die thou for an old grudge.
[Kills Huncamunca.
KING.
[23]Thou for another.
[Kills Doodle.
And take thou this, O miſerable King!
And now let all their dying ſpeeches ſing!
CATCH.
Alas! I go
To the ſhades below!
Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!
Death holds me ſo
I cannot go,
Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!
Oh!—oh!—oh!—oh!
SCENE the laſt —MERLIN riſes.
MERLIN.
Who is it dares to die within theſe walls?
King, queen, and court jump up—'tis Merlin calls,
'Tis true, Tom Thumb, by a tremendous cow,
That fate might be obeyed, was gulped—but how?
Juſt as a monkey would an apple hug
In his alforges—when but offer pug
Something that's ſweet—inſtant with joy he'll yapple,
Snatch at the ſugar, and forego the apple:
And ſo did I—to chace all ſorrow from ye—
Offer the cow ſome hay—and up came Tommy.
CATCH.
Juſt in the order that ye fell,
One, two, three, four, five, ſix,
By virtue of my magic ſpell
Jump up—nor play your monkey tricks.
[24]See the firſt and ſecond ſlain
Begin to rear the head,
And to their fellows, call amain,
Awake! oh waken! from the dead.
The ſignal hear,
From the regions drear
Of dingy Pluto come,
Nor ever go
To the ſhades below
'Till death ſhall call you home.
The END.
- Citation Suggestion for this Object
- TextGrid Repository (2020). TEI. 4463 The life death and renovation of Tom Thumb a legendary burletta in one act as it is performed at the Royal Circus. University of Oxford Text Archive. . https://hdl.handle.net/21.T11991/0000-001A-5CD8-A