ACT I.

WAS there ever ſo Perverſe a Baggage.

Was there ever ſo unreaſonable a Guardian.

What Cauſe have I given you to be ſo undutiful, have I exer⯑ted the Power your deceaſed parents inveſted me with does not choice of Lovers viſit you but your mind is ſo ſet on that young rake-hell LOVEMORE that nothing but my Steadineſs cou'd keep you from the Ruin you ſo juſtly deſerve.

Yes indeed uncle you do admit variety of Lovers to viſit me and both alike are hateful, the Frenchman is all feather the Iriſhman all lead, and of the two coxcombs I've my choice, but I tell you once for all I've ſet my affections on LOVEMORE, [2] he and only he you nor your great barr'd gates ſhall not keep me from, ſo now I've told you my [...], trouble me no farther.

Parmit me, Madam, to aſſure you I long to die in your ſervice that I may ſhew you I'd be your moſt faithful humble Sarvant all the days of life afterwards, that good Gentleman your uncle, has often told me you was not diſagreeable to me, and if I may judge by the grace of my Perſon and and the beauty of my Complexion I may hope that a Tall Brave IRISHMAN may give you a heart that [3] nobody's before but his own and not that neither upon my Shoul Madam.—

O Mr. O' BLUNDER you're ſo taken up with your Miſtreſs that I may expect but little of your moſt ſweet converſation.

Och upon my Shoul my Dear you was hid ſo clear in a miſt that I ſaw you as plain as—Sir I hope you are very well—Harkee my Dear Mr. GRIPE ſuppoſe now I was married to your Niece what Relation wou'd you be to me then?—O, yes you'd be my Father in Law—but come my Dear Miſs ISABEL becauſe you look ſo Colly-Molly, I'll ſing you an Iriſh Song

Odious Blockhead!

I'm ſure Sir a Gentleman of your addreſs muſt always be very deſirable among the Ladies.

So all the Ladies did ſay of Little PHAE⯑LIM O' BLUNDER, and if I was in their company they wou'd laugh at me ſo that I cou'd plainly diſ⯑cover their affections. But let an Iriſhman alone to get ſweet heart.

But pray Mr. O' BLUNDER in all your tra⯑vels was you never miſtaken in your Opinion?

Never my Dear for when I took my Poſt chaiſe Horſes and came by long ſea from PARIS, there did two Ladies die with grief a twelvemonth before I did take my leave of them and two more Six months after that, which I never hear'd of in my Life, and laſt Sunday will be a month ſince I did come to England to make love upon you, for you are the Phaenix of the age and I never ſaw any body ſo pretty as you, except one JUGGY CAVENA and one SHEELINAH GUIR [...]ACH in Ireland and by my Shoul they was as Carroty as a black Dog.

Sir there's a French Marquis below—

O Pray deſire the Gentleman to walk up.

Ma Charmante Madamoiſelle, permit me Madam at de invitation of Monſieur Votree Uncle to offer once more in my Perſon all that France has noble and Polite—my Grand Father that is de Marquis de la BOMARDE, has taken more Towns (if Poſſible) than you have hearts, and my Father Monſieur L' count de L' CINQUECALARIE was emplo'yd in the cabinet council of de Grand Mon⯑arch and me Madam, Monſieur CINQUECALARIE Marquis de FANFARON have left my country, to ſhew that to command a Prince is leſs than to obey the ſmiles of a Miſtreſs.

Sir without diſpute a Gentleman of your Family, education and polite behaviour, wou'd make any Lady extreamly happy▪

Madam! Beauty ſo attracts, that the luſtre of a Crown is leſs engaging than one little ſight of your Bon-grace!—oh! Monſieur GRIPE avouſtres humble Servieur Monſieur how you do.—pray [...] Fine Gentleman is that alon with you there?

That's PHAELIM O' BLUNDER Eſq: of Ireland a Gentleman of great fortune and is lately come from Paris.

Lately come from Paris, me will go and have ſome converſation with him—Monſieur a voutres humble Servitieur, France Parie eſt En beau Paoui France is the fineſt Country, as I never ſaw in my life.

Sir I cou'd nver learn how to twiſt my [6] tongue round your diſcourſe in all my life, but Sir I underſtand you as well as if you ſaid nothing at all to me.

what Monſieur, not ſpeak de french! it is very great pity upon my vord, for almoſt every bo⯑dy ſpeaks french now.—Monſieur when I take my leave at Paris, Madam Le Ducheſs de Quinvil that is my Grandmother, did ſay to me ah Marquis de FANFARON you go to England prenez corde vou take care of your heart for de Engliſh Ladies be ve⯑ry great Beauties and alloways lay their ſnares for our men of Quality—me ſay never fear for that.—my Siſter La Marque Le Chavelſeys Likewiſe ſay to me ah my Dear Brother if yon will marry is there not Madamoiſelle de LAMARMITE for you.

Harkee my dear wou'd ſhe have you marry a Mermaid?

No, no, Monſieur, Madamoiſelle MAR⯑MITE is the Lady's Name or is there not Madam⯑oiſelle Pet ONGUELEAR ſhe's in Love with you but my fortune has thrown me to England to ſee a much fairer Lady. oh ſpeak my fate madam I've been dans les armies du rusi in many battles, but I never was in ſuch danger before.

If this frenchman be as great a rogue as I, upon my ſoul it will be very comical.

When ſhall I be the happy man to conduct you to my Grand Chiteau in Daupheine. ſhe's Verry pret⯑ty upon my vord.

Mr. O' BLUNDER it is in vain for me to hide the eſteem I've for you ſo if you will meet to night at the bottom of the Garden I'll have a Par⯑ſon ready to fix us together in happineſs.

I know that my dear; but I tell you what as it will be very dark, my dear I'll tie ſixpenny worth of Black ribband in my button hole, ſo that you may know me by the tone of my voice and the grace of my Perſon.

Do ſo for I muſt be gone for fear of Suſpi⯑on

Lookee MARQUIS upon condition that you give me a thouſand Guineas out of my nieces ten Thouſand I'll manage the affair ſo that ſhe ſhall be yours in eight and forty hours ſo till you conſider of it I'm your humble Servant.

A thouſand guineas is a great deal of Lor⯑ſhong but begar I'll be revenged by denying all my engagements, and follow the Pollticks of France.

Hem! Sir you make me very uneaſy to ſee you here, ſo I Deſire you not to repeat your viſit on Pain of my diſpleaſure.

Sir I never was bred nor born a Phyſician in my Life but I'll tell you how you'll cure your ſelf [8] that is I woud not have you come here your ſelf, and then you wont ſee me here, for if you was blind of both your eyes you ſhou'd ſee I'd come and viſit that Getlewoman.

Sir you are a Gentleman I ſuppoſe.

Why my dear you may know that by the ſoftneſs of my Thumb feel it.

your thumb Sir! me no underſtand your thumb but if you are a Gentleman meet me an hour hence in the fields, for an officer of the arms duroui cannot bear a rival either in Love, or in Glory. begar I'll cut your throat.

you french ſon of a whore have at you.

For Heavens ſake Gentlemen be quiet.

O Let him alone my Dear, I'll not meet him except he comes behind me to my Throat

Begar Sir if you do meet me, I will make one, two, three twenty truſt in your Body. Mon⯑ſieur Gripe good bye to you.

Upon my Soul I believe this old GRIPE is an old raparee and when I'm married to his neice I'll forſwear the Bonds and not give him a groat which is nothing, nor that neither, which is leſs and I'll make him pay me back all the money I never pa [...]d him (to GRIPE) Well my dear Father in Law the Bleſſing of St. PATRICK be about your Houſe and upon all the pretty Little Children that I'll [...]eget up⯑on that pretty gentlewoman your niece.

So let things go how they will, I'm ſure of a thouſand guineas.

ACT II.

Sir.

Be double diligent to night, my ISABEL writes me word ſhe has appointed her two boobies to meet her in the orchard, do you go and take ſuch inſtructions as ſhe will give you.

yes Sir—but I ſaw the Iriſhman laſt week, and tho' it's five years ſince I've ſeen him before, I remember him perfectly well; when he was helper in Sir JOHN FRIENDLY's Stables, he was turn'd out of the Family for ſtealing a Silver ſpoon.

Ha, ha, ha, dear JEREMY mind your in⯑ſtructions for my affairs are brought to a criſis, and on your fidelity depends my everlaſting felicity.

You may give yourſelf no farther trouble [10] Sir—ſo fortune be my guide.

Well ſaid Little Phaelim, upon my ſoul you have done for your ſelf—why then it was a happy day for you when Sir IOHN FRIENDLY turn'd you off for ſtealing a ſilver ſpoon—which you did not ſteal neither but put in your Pocket by way of miſtake, why then upon my ſoul I believe if I was to be hang'd I ſhould live to be a Great man after, but this I know as well as if nobody did tell me that Miſs ISABEL has ten thouſand Pounds, and when I'm married to her I'll go by my ſelf, that is along with her into Ireland and there we'll live as loving as two cock ſparrows on a thatch'd Cabbin, then PHAELIM O BLUNDER will be an Eſquire in good earnſt and I'll go up to Dublin in the Parlament winter, and I'll leave my wife behind me to take care of me in my abſence—why then upon my ſoul I think a Single life is very diſagreeable till a man's married.

What do you make all dis noiſe here for? villain! coquain.

I did not make no noiſe.

Iſs you did for when me turn the corner of de Park me hear you.

you lye perhaps.

Me no underſtand your perhaps.

Why then you lye without any haps at all.

Oh, Monſieur you give me the lye.

Yes my Dear and put it in your Pocket.

Did you know my farther my Grandfather were all Generals in the arms du roi? and yet you come court my miſtreſs villain—What be your family

Sir did you know my Grandfather? and that he had a longer name than yours?

What was his name eh?

His name was SHAMUS JAMES M' CARTY M' KILLNEGAD M' KILLNEGOOD M' KILLNEDUFF M' SHANE M' RAGAN M' FAGAN Ugus, M 'THONAMON JOUL you french ſon of a whore, and he was a greater traveller than yours.

A Traveleer!

yes Sir, he was twice to the, weſt In⯑dies, before he was twenty years of age but upon my ſhoul he was tranſported there

and what is more than that I never had no Grandfather at all, becauſe my mother had me before ſhe was married.

I cannot bear—alons Monſieur draw your ſword, begar I'll cut your throat.

O my dear I'll be with you in a crack

now you french ſon of a whore, I'll be in your Gizzard

Hold, hold Monſieur, BLUNDER let me ſpeak to you.

O you ſcoundrel ſpeak after I kill you [12] I'll not hear a word out of your mouth till you're [...].

I did not tink he wou'd Fight, par [...]lie [...]!

Monſieur BLUNDER tis all a joke put up your ſword I'd not quarrel with my very good friend, I do aſſure you I eſteem you en cavalier accompli, What de de⯑vil you no underſtand a joke?

O my Dear I know you never lov'd the ſ [...]ell of cold Iron, but ſince it is ſo, I'll put up, for I'm as peaceable in all my Quarrels as no Body at all, but remember the family of the O BLUNDERS will never [...]e uſ'd ill in public company except it be behind their backs.

Come come, let us be friends.

Ay my dear and to ſhew I mean you no harm give us you fiſt, but I'll tell you what; if you come near Miſs ISABEL, that is within a great diſtance of her, nation to my ſoul but I'll beat you longer than I can ſtand over you, I'll Skiver you like a Rabbit you French Hottentot ſon of a whore.

the Devil take that dam Iriſhman he has frighten me out of my wits: but this is the time I did promiſe to meet my dear Chormante Miſs ISABEL at the bottom of the Garden.

Well ſure my heart haſn't gone ſo pit a Pat a long while what a Severe thing it is for a young creature as I am, to be under the government of an old co⯑covetous [13] Uncle, he'd for the ſake of a thouſand gui⯑neas ſurrender me into the arms of either of theſe wretches whom I abhor: but this is the time I pro⯑miſed to meet them, ſo I truſt to fortune for a fair riddance.

O you are the one I wanted I've appointed O BLUNDER and Marquis to meet me here at this hour, ſo as it is very dark you may counterfiet my voice as near as you can to deceive 'm, while I as ſwift as CUPID's wings fly to the arms of Mr. LOVEMORE, ſo now good JEREMY be watchful and ſucceſs attend you.

So now to my place, I hear ſome body, ſo muſt retire.

Upon my ſoul 'tis ſo dark that I can't ſee the Moon ſo I'll take out my ſpy glaſs to ſee whether it's up or no, faith when, I get this fortune I'll ſtudy Phi⯑loſophy, and know the reaſon the the Moon ſhines one night and won't come out of another, I wiſh I had a candle and lanthorn to look for it.

Who's there? Mr, O BLUNDER!

faith is it my dear, and your eyes look ſo bright that I believe you ſtick candles in them.

I beg you wont ſpeak loud for fear of my uncle hearing you, for then we ſhou'd both be [...] ⯑in'd ſo to avoid accidents, let me lead you into [...] Green-houſe, till I can fetch a Parſon; for I long to be yours.

faith I knew that, but my little wiſe, [14] [...] you a Song that I writ extrumpery Yeſ⯑ [...].

Och! Let me kiſs your Little white fiſt, and be ſure my dear Joy you will be after coming before me.

[15] So, I've got rid of one Let the other come as ſoon as he Pleaſes—Egad I hear him.

De devil take that damn'd rowling Stone it did break my leg.

Whoſe there?

Ah! ma charmante where are you.

Here Sir; but make no noiſe for fear of my uncle: the Iriſhman was here ſo I was oblig'd to ſhew outward compliſance to him on purpoſe to get rid of him; for it is an eaſy matter to diſtinguiſh between a Gentleman of your figure, and an Iriſh Bogtrotter.

Oui cermant, yes certainly, an air of a man of Diſtinction carries ſuch a Paſs with it, that there is no reſiſting of it, ſo I long to carry you to my Grand chateu, and make you the firſt Lady in Dauphane.

I know you do Sir, but Pray let me convey you into the Green—houſe till I can run and fetch Parſon.

I will; but be ſure you no ſtay long—there be no fiſhpond in my way.

No, no, Sir.

Sure there's ſomething more than com⯑mon going forward, for I cou'd not ſleep for an odd noiſe I heard this way, I'm afraid my niece is about Playing me a ſlippery trick.

I wiſh my Dear Miſs ISABEL woud come, I am quite fateague with Impatience ah! here ſhe is no tis Monſieur GRIPE, parbleau.

Well I cannot think but my niece has deceiv'd me.

Begar Sir I fear ſhe has deceiv'd me too for ſhe ſay Monſieur Le Marquis, meet me to night at the Bottom of the Garden in the green houſe and I will marry you for I hate the Iriſhman and when I did come you ſee there is Monſieur Le FLUNDER Like wiſe, ſo if ſhe has made a fool of me ſhe shall ſee a gentleman of my Rank and Quality will ſeek opportunity of Revenge.

be appear'd good Sir 'till I enquire into the affair. Mr. O Blunder, Mr. O Blunder.

Och my dear if I had not been asleep you might have waken'd me as often as you wou'd

Pray Sir upon what account did you come here?

why my dear my coming here is a ſe⯑cret but I'll communicate it to the loving company—you muſt know that Miſs ISABEL (being ſtruck with my voice and Perſon) did give me an aſſig⯑nation to meet her in the dark that no-body might hear us, ſo after I did meet her she did not come; ſo my dear I was recreating my ſelf with a nap to paſs away the time—Arrah my dears I wish you'd both go about your buſineſs for she won't come if there be any body here beſides my ſelf.

Sir ſhe tell me, she love me, and nobody [17] elſe, mafoi

Sir ſhe loves me better than you.

How you know that?

Becauſe I dream of her every night.

What ſignifies that, I dream of the De⯑vil ſometimes.

Mr. LOVEMORE is come to wait on you.

Shew him up

Your ſervant Sir.

O, ho, ſo madam, you have made your choice I ſee and got a husband.

Yes Sir I'm the happy man.

What you be the husband parableau.

Oh, death! ruin! deſtruction! I'm fine⯑ly bilkt.

your niece has ſhew'd hereſelf a girl of Spirit and she has got her writings out of your desk and I have them in my Poſſeſſion and have Diſco⯑ver'd all your roguery.

O Lord, he has to be ſure diſcover'd all the agreements between Hellfire the Lawyer and I

O you inconſiderate Jade I'm glad your Poor Par⯑ents did not live to ſee this day but ſince I can do nothing elſe I'll have you hang'd for robbery.

I wiſh you were all hang 'd together, ſeperately in one rope.

Pray Sir have not I ſeen your face before?

Like enough my de [...]r but I remember I never ſaw yours in all my Life before.

Pray was not you a helper in Sir Iohn FRIENDLY's ſtables and was not you turn'd out for this very?

A Thief! One muſt take care of my Pocket

Upon my ſoul he remembers me too well I wiſh the Devil woud burn his memory

Sir if I did uſe to rub down horſes it was by way of recreation and becauſe an I riſhman hates to be Idle.

O Sir conſider he's a Stranger, you'll make him bluſh.

O never fear my dear by my Soul I ne⯑ver bluſh'd in my life nor ſpoke truth neither, and when I did no one woud believe me.

I've ſtay here a great while, and ſay no⯑thing, at all, becauſe I woud no interupt the a affairs La familie but what is the reaſon you chuſe a Gen⯑tleman of my rank and Quality to impoſe on.

Becauſe Sir your Vanity mixt with an equal Share of ſtupidity muſt always render you a Proper object to be impoſ'd upon.

Sir here's a Servant of my Lord Eitherſide's come after a French Valet de Chambre who robb'd his maſter of above five hundred Pounds and by the diſcription this muſt be he.

I wonder ſuch feigner as this BLUNDER [19] ſhoud appear in the Beaumonde, when any Body may tell a Gentleman by his Politeneſs and Bone-Grace:

Tell him to come up.

I beg pardon of the company for this, but Mr conſtable I charge with that fellow; Sir, that was my Maſter's valet, who not being content with a Great many marks of his friendſhip has robb'b him of above five hundred Pounds beſides effects to a Conſiderable Value.

Hurra! upon my Soul I'll make game of the french man—Monſieur what Long name is that your Grandfather had juſt now? come, give me your fiſt till I wiſh you Joy, becauſe you'll be hang'd by your Self, and I ſhall live all the days of my Life after you.

Madam—Gentleman, I beg of you to make ſome interceſſion for me that I may not be hang'd in a Strange country and in the flower of my age.

If procuring you a ſtronger halter than ordinary will be of any ſervice to you, you may command my Intereſt.

O me be ver much oblig'd to you upon my vord. what the Devil buſineſs had I to be a Gentleman ambition has been my ruin! here, Mon⯑ſieur le Conſtable, carry me to the Devil if you pleaſe.

upon my ſhoul, Miſs ISABEL, you have [20] uſed me ill, for if you had a mind to decieve me, why did not you tell me ſo at firſt: beſides, my dear I bought a yard of ſixpenny ribband for a groat which I hope you'll repay me back again that I may be no Loſer by my Loſs.

Look'ee Sir, ſince we dont uſe you as you deſerve I deſire you'll quit the Houſe this inſtant, and appear in another kind of garb, for if ever I ſee you, or hear of you aſſuming any thing like a gen⯑tleman, I'll ſend you to a proper Place—a pretty fellow to pretend to a fortune.

by Saint Patrick I beg both your Par⯑dons, and if I did endeavour to get a fortune 'twas only becauſe I'd get an honeſt Livelihood, ſo as for⯑tune was always a foe to poor PHAELIM O'BLUN⯑DER I'll pull off my long ſword and wig and fine cloaths, for I believe they dont become me ſo, wiſh⯑ing you both as happy as nobody at all, I wiſh you may live to ſee your children and your great Grand children crying at your own funerals.

Ha! ha! ha!