THE CESTUS; A SERENATA.
[]CHARACTERS.
- JUPITER,
- Maſter Seſtini.
- MARS,
- Miſs Simonet.
- VENUS,
- Miſs Wilkinſon.
- IRIS,
- Miſs Seymour.
- JUNO.
- Miſs Romanzini.
SCENE, The Audience Hall of JUPITER.
AIR.
JUPITER.
THE Phoenix, we're told, has the Sun for his ſire,
That he lives to five cent'ries or more;
That he then gathers gums and reeds in good ſtore,
With theſe makes a fire;
[6] In the midſt of which fire being ſeated,
His wings are the bellows
Which kindle it up till 'tis properly heated;
And farther they tell us,
When no longer in flame this combuſtible flaſhes,
A ſpick and ſpan new one jumps out of the aſhes.
Another wiſe tale to a dragon gave birth,
Whoſe teeth, it is ſaid, were but ſown in the earth,
When 'tis gravely atteſted, and let who will ſmile,
That a regiment of ſoldiers appear'd rank and file.
Theſe ſtories, 'tis granted, are very abſurd;
No man ever ſaw ſuch a dragon or bird;
Yet folly and love to be met with aſunder,
I hold a phenomenon of ſuch a kind,
A rarity ſo much more worthy to brag on,
That ſooner than ſet out this wonder
To find,
I'd be bound to produce you both phoenix and dragon.
RECITATIVE.
JUPITER.
In ſhort there's no ſuch thing as bearing on't;
Her vixen tongue gains ſtrength by wearing on't,
Like Camomile or old Anteus;
Why we're the jeſt of all who ſee us,
The jibe of every wag ſarcaſtic:
But to the Court Eccleſiaſtic
I'll cite her, for good reaſons various,
And there get licence to unmarry us.
MARS.
[7]What you! 'tis all a flam; how often,
At a ſham tear we've ſeen you ſoften;
And while her ſhower has ſtill'd your thunder,
Glad was your godſhip to knock under.
JUPITER.
Mars, your reproach I feel too ſenſible;
Why, Sir, it is incomprehenſible
How ſhe has rul'd me—how I've buckl'd,
And like a Jerry crept and truckl'd!
And ſhall I bear't? no this fond Cupid here,
Will I ſhake off. Arouſe thee, Jupiter;
Were this of heaven to be the etiquette,
Where Jove thus govern'd by a petticoat,
Witlings would ſoon lampoon in puny verſe,
The hen-peck'd maſter of the univerſe.
JUNO.
Iris?
JUPITER.
D'ye hear?
JUNO.
How—out to ſupper?
JUPITER.
Zounds, here ſhe is, hard at your crupper.
MARS.
You'll ſtand my friend—
JUNO.
Where is your maſter?
MARS.
[8]The ſtorm comes on thicker and faſter.
JUNO.
O'my life this night he'll make a taper-meal.
JUPITER.
D'ye hear? her clack goes like a paper-mill,
Thunder, the ſea, or fifty coaches!
MARS.
Stand to your arms, the ſoe approaches.
JUNO.
So, Sir, without my leave you're going out?
JUPITER.
Come, Madam Juno, don't be throwing out
Theſe airs—
JUNO.
Why numſcull, ſirrah, ſniveler,
D'ye know whom 'tis you talk to, driveler?
JUPITER.
A fury, fiend, a very devil.
Is that right?
MARS.
Bravo!
JUNO.
Mighty civil!
Do take his part, a pretty neſt of you,
But ſoon repent it ſhall the beſt of you;
Firſt I'll demoliſh all your glaſſes,
Sotting and toaſting filthy laſſes,
Only to ſet your heads a ſwimming,
With plots to wrong us honeſt women.
JUPITER.
[9]Will you be quiet?
BACCHUS.
Save the pieces.
JUNO.
I'll claw you.
MARS.
Zounds, the ſtorm encreaſes!
AIR.
I'm up to all your tricks, my dear,
How the winds you make your letters bear,
My care and vigilence to queer,
But little are you winning:
You know 'tis true, my pretty youth,
You ſend 'em Eaſt, Weſt, North and South,
Don't laugh—leſt t'other ſide your mouth,
You ſhould be after grinning.
You Maſter! don't believe it, love;
I'm Juno ſtill, and you are Jove;
Whom Fate has plac'd me far above,
Nor her decrees could'ſt alter:
Then yield with grace the ſovereign rule,
Nor think to make me thus a tool,
For thoſe who hang me for a fool,
Will find a knave in the halter.
JUPITER.
Plague, vixen, wretch, that tongue confounded,
Ceaſe for a moment—
JUNO.
[10]Rage unbounded
Choaks up my voice—my tongue forbids me.
JUPITER.
Madam, I am reſolv'd to rid me
Of tongue, face, perſon, altogether;
And ſince for love nor duty neither,
Your wayward mind can't find a place in't,
We'll part, whate'er be th' diſgrace in't,
JUNO.
Yes, yes, one's fame is eaſy mangled
By words high ſounding and new fangled
Periods with ornaments and ſcollops—
I know you're going to your trollops.
JUPITER.
'Twixt you and truth there is no fitneſs.
Had you been kinder, heav'n's my witneſs,
Not all the Ledas, Ios, Semeles,
Or other of thoſe numerous families,
I've had to do with, low and royal,
Had won me to an act diſloyal;—
But now 'tis o'er; I give you warning,
We part, Ma'am, and to-morrow morning.
AIR.
Think not here to drive your gig,
Madam Juno;
I'll make you know,
Who's at home, or burn my wig,
Why, I'll know the reaſon.
[11]
You may grin, but I'll bet twenty,
Her Lord and Maſter,
I ſhall caſt her;
And as to witneſſes, I've plenty,
In good time and ſeaſon.
Shall I by her—my goods and chattels,
Be led by the noſe her,
Nor diſpoſe her
As I liſt—Why, Sir, theſe battles,
'Gainſt me are petty treaſon.
IRIS.
Why, Ma'am, what is all this?
JUNO.
I'm moon-ſtruck:
Have I my ſenſes? ah! too ſoon ſtruck
My wretched ears the unwelcome tidings,
To-morrow part! plague take all chidings,
Anger, reproaches, ſcoldings, hectorings,
Taunts, ſneers, hard words, and curtain lecturings.
IRIS.
Why for the paſt, 'tis paſt, ne'er think on't.
You're now near ruin.
JUNO.
On the brink on't.
IRIS.
Let us then try, ere yet it catch ye,
From this ſame precipice to ſnatch ye.
JUNO.
[12]But how, dear Iris, how?
IRIS.
Have patience,
As generals, be what will their ſtations,
Think it both politic and wiſe
Deſerters to employ, and ſpies;
So you, by way of go between us,
Shall in this caſe employ dame Venus,
For, if ſhe lend you but her zone,
The charms of love are all your own.
AIR.
With that begirt, each dowdy girl
Gets every charm, does ſhe but aſk it;
Her teeth become a row of pearl,
Enclos'd within a coral caſket,
Carnations bloom upon her cheeks,
Roſes take place of blotch and pimple;
The air's perfum'd whene'er ſhe ſpeaks,
And Cupids play in every dimple.
RECITATIVE.
JUNO.
Don't name the wretch;
IRIS.
Set a good face,
O' th' matter, Ma'am; yours is no caſe
One cures by any thing one pleaſes.
Phyſic for deſperate d [...]ſeaſes
Muſt deſperate be, Ma'am.
JUNO.
[13]I'll aſſure you,
Miſs Bold-face!—what d'ye mean?
IRIS.
To cure you,
Better than noſtrums can, or ſimples,
Where's this ſame queen of ſmiles and dimples?
AIR.
VENUS.
Who calls on her whoſe powerful art,
Erects a throne in every heart;
Whoſe love all court, whoſe anger fear—
Venus yclept—behold her here.
Sighs ſome fond youth his love unkind,
Wou'd he ſome watchful Argus blind?
Glows ſome fair virgin's modeſt cheek,
With wiſhes that ſhe dare not ſpeak?
RECITATIVE.
VENUS.
How can the humble queen of love,
The powerful wife of thundering Jove,
In ought oblige?—ſpeak mighty Juno.
JUNO.
I'm told, good woman, as how you know
To gain men's hearts, that you can win 'em,
And as you liſt to th' grindſtone pin 'em:
Now you muſt know, all in a whiff,
My ſpoute and I have had a tiff;
[14] And now the villain talks of parting,—
Oh! it will break my heart for certain!
VENUS.
Patience, dear Ma'am:—
JUNO.
'Twill all come home to hi [...] ▪
I know not what the devil's come to him,
With his fine fiats and his ordeals—
But t'other day he broke my cordials,
And ſorely did my patience handle,
Becauſe I talk'd a little ſcandal.
AIR.
JUNO.
ine ſport indeed for god and godlin,
To ſee great Jove become Moll Codlin;
And threat his wife with fiſt and horſewhip,
Becauſe ſhe loves a little goſſip.
Yet he, forſooth, can trot and amble,
And after ſcores of miſſes ramble;
Leave, gods, at Hercules your grinning,
The maſter of the world's a ſpinning.
Though while ſuch worthy work is doing,
Slap goes the univerſe to ruin;
The trumpet ſounds! wars wide and civil
Convulſe the earth; while to the devil
They go their own way—and no wonder,
His light'ning's out—aſleep his thunder.
RECITATIVE.
VENUS.
Well, Madam, would you be as bleſt as
I am in love, but wear this Ceſtus;
[15] Which, with obſervance of your duty,
Will turn deformity to beauty.
JUNO.
A pinch of ſnuff, or dram did'ſt give me,
Thou could'ſt not half ſo well revive me,
My dungeon's chang'd into a palace,
Thou haſt repriev'd me at the gallows:
Thy words are cabbage to ſtarved taylors,
Or calms to poor exhauſted ſailors;
While winds and billows are in rumptions,
Or gold to pockets in conſumptions:
Now let him dare take any word ill:
Come help me on with this ſame girdle.
VENUS.
Yet take me—they have but pretext to't,
Who mark not well the charm annex'd to't;
Your huſband's now on ſome vagary—
When he comes home, pray be you wary,
Whatever riot he may kick up,
However ſtagger, ſwear, or hiccup,
You do not ſpeak one ſingle ſyllable,
If you ſhould find theſe terms fulfilable,
You're ſure that inſtant to reclaim him,
Heaven ſhall a rake no longer name him,
But ſetting taunts and wordy war by,
Juno and Jove prove Joan and Darby.
JUNO.
Thou'rt right—more happy than a king am I,
I thank you kindly, Mrs. Thing-a-my.
[16]AIR.
JUNO.
Hear the merry minſtrel ſound,
On the ear it rings,
While all the ſtrings
Are one entire vibration.
The tinkling pleaſure ſpreads around;
And as it plays,
Sweetly conveys,
From ſenſe to ſenſe,
Soft eloquence,
In thrilling circulation.
But ſtringleſs, broken, out of tune,
Time's thrown away;
For did you play,
Without the leaſt ceſſation,
And ſtrum from January till June;
You ſtill may bang,
At every twang;
The diſmal hum,
The more you thrum,
Speaks but its mutilation.
Juſt ſo let down its pegs, the heart
In ſadneſs ſits,
Nor once admits
Of any conſolation;
But ſcrew it into tune, each ſmart
And anxious care,
Diſſolves to air,
[17] Alone its joys
The mind employs,
And all is jubilation.
RECITATIVE.
Lord, Lord, I never ſaw her feller,
One minute in the garret, next in the cellar;
To blow both hot and cold ſhe's able,
Juſt like the ſatyr in the fable—
VENUS.
No wonder—jealouſy's a viris,
Numbs and corrodes the paſſions, Iris.
But I'll be off, and at a diſtance
Watch, leſt they need from me aſſiſtance;
Should my ſcheme take, ſhould noiſe and riot
Yield here in heav'n to peace and quiet:
Scolding once ſhut out from our portals,
Who knows, that plague may ceaſe 'mongſt mortals.
AIR.
Our Jupiter has near his Throne
Two veſſels which he fills;
The one with benefits alone,
The other crams with ills.
From the good veſſel, health, content,
Plenty and bliſs, he gives:
While from the evil, forth are ſent
Gout, ſtone, and ſcolding wives.
[18]II.
Thus to mankind, with heedful care,
In juſt proportion weigh'd
The lot to each, each beſt can bear
By Jove's decrees convey'd.
Unleſs his patience, when to rub,
Juno the devil drives;
Then headlong from the left-hand tub,
Go troops of ſcolding wives.
III.
Oft this complaint, on me like air,
From men ſtill paſs'd away;
Till that ſame Madam Juno there,
Let looſe her tongue to-day.
But now, intreating Jove I'll go,
To chequer not their lives
With any other ſpot of woe,
Who're plagued with ſcolding wives.
RECITATIVE.
IRIS.
If to have pomp and greatneſs this 'tis,
Rather than live the life of my miſtreſs,
Rather than thus for ever jingle,
By Jingo, I'd for one live ſingle;
Nor be in ſplendid miſery kept here.
For coif and crook, change crown and ſceptre,
The ſpheres that the ear ſo ſweetly ſplits,
For thruſhes, blackbirds, and tom-tits.
[19]AIR.
How happy ſhe, who ne'er can know
The miſery of the great;
Who, far from reach of ſcepter'd woe,
Finds in her low eſtate,
Joy in her innocence—delight
In ſcenes that ſtill preſent;
Pleaſures that health and ſtrength excite,
And tranſport in content.
II.
One brook her mirror and her drink,
The happy wanderer ſeeks;
And as her lambs play round its brink,
Good Nature paints her cheeks.
Few are her wants: certain her joy;
For Reaſon's glad conſent
Points out her innocent employ,
And guides her to content.
RECITATIVE.
JUPITER.
Yes, yes, 'tis the only way to nick her,
And yet tho' fortified with liquor,
Though half-ſeas o'er, I'll not diſſemble,
The very thoughts on't makes me tremble.
But come, be firm my heart, for meet 'tis,
Ere Phoebus riſe from lap of Thetis,
When on nights glims I've put the extinguiſher,
This wife of mine, that I reliquiſh her.
Oh! what delight in joy to roll me,
Without a creature to control me!
When from my wife I ſhall be parted;
And yet—no pangs, no fears, faint-hearted.
[20] Compunction, doubts, fly far away,
And let Jove ſing, Tit fal de ray.
AIR.
JUPITER.
I've ſeen a bear, who long did puzzle,
To looſe from's mouth an ugly muzzle:
I've ſeen a linnet vent its rage,
In vainly fluttering 'gainſt its cage:
I've ſeen ſnar'd lions—Ay, a ſcore,
While foreſts trembled at their roar:
I was the bear,
The lion, the linnet;
I was caught in a ſnare;
And while I was in it,
Oh, how did I roar, and flutter, and puzzle,
To get rid of the cage, the net, and the muzzle!
And yet knew not how.
But now,
My wings are at liberty, ſo are my jaws,
Uncumber'd by net, I can put out my paws;
And my unfetter'd limbs all ſo nimble advance,
That I think I could join in a country dance:
No longer I roar, or flutter, or puzzle;
I have thrown off the ſnare, the cage, and the muzzle;
And am now—Oh, ye powers, what rapture propoſe,
The bear, the lion, the linnet—let looſe.
JUPITER.
But hold, I hear no creature ſtir:
Who waits within there—Iris—
IRIS.
Sir.
JUPITER.
[21]What wonder's this, I hear no riot!
The ſtorm is huſhed, my houſe is quiet;
One may perceive the fofteſt head;
Why ſure your lady is not dead!
IRIS.
Dead! Heaven forbid—no, you'll not bury
0Her this bout; ſhe's alive and merry.
JUPITER.
And ſilent!—then will I be halter'd.
IRIS.
Why, Sir, you ſee the caſe is alter'd.
JUPITER.
Nay, nay, explain theſe ha's and hums.
IRIS.
Let her explain them: here ſhe comes.
JUPITER.
She's ſulky now—ah, ſulk—'twon't hurt you.
Pſha, you're a fool—how's this, a courtſey!
The Trick's too ſtale to paſs, 'tis vile;
This calm forbodes a ſtorm—a ſmile!
Well, this is ſtrange! ſhe's loſt her tongue,
Which elſe ere this a peal had rung.
'Tis ſo, I'faith—what ſweet ſurprize!
Juno, how do'ſt?—ſhe's charming eyes!
Cupids inhabit there a ſcore,
I never notic'd this before.
If we go on thus, on my life,
I ſhall grow fond of my own wife.
VENUS.
[22]So!—it works rarely.
JUPITER.
How's this, Venus!
She knows not, ſure, what paſſed between us;
Come you our pleaſures to deſtroy, Ma'am?
VENUS.
Not I indeed, Sir—give you joy, Ma'am.
'Tis done, and you may ſilence break;
(Juno ſhakes her head.)
Oh! there's no fear of that—come, ſpeak.
JUPITER.
She can't.
VENUS.
O yes! ſhe can.
JUPITER.
Come, come,
You're jeſting?
VENUS.
No.
JUPITER.
What, an't ſhe dumb!
JUNO.
Yes. Dumb and blind, deaf and inſenſible,
Held by an influence indiſpenſible,
[23] To loath and ſcorn, beyond all meaſure,
Thoſe joys that do not give you pleaſure.
AIR.
Meek I'll be as Venus' dove;
Your preſence court, your abſence mourn.
Love ſhall be the price of love,
And kindneſs aſk a kind return.
Folly ſhall ne'er my mind defile;
From prudence will I ne'er depart.
My face ſhall wear a conſtant ſmile,
And duty govern in my heart.
RECITATIVE.
VENUS.
Thus have we proved it never happens,
That ornament and outward trappings,
Can make on the heart the leaſt impreſſion,
Much leſs ſecure a fix'd poſſeſſion.
Our Jove here has been long time married,
Yet his wife's fondneſs had miſcarried;
Each thing in life ſhe did was wrong,
Until ſhe kindly—held her tongue.
Learn hence, that huſbands will be blind
To every beauty but the mind;
Great Venus there ſhould hold her court;
There ſhould the Loves and Graces ſport;
There rapture beam'd in every feature,
Bound by that Ceſtus, called Good Nature.
[24]AIR.
Come away then, and take an example here,
Above, below, and all who have ſeen us;
For plain to your ſenſes it ſoon ſhall appear,
That rich and poor,
Who true bliſs would enſure,
Leſt they meet with miſcarriage,
Muſt remember in marriage,
Good Nature's the Ceſtus of Venus.
JUNO.
Reſign'd to my duty at laſt,
Reſolv'd to repent what is paſt;
Every folly and fault to give o'er,
I now open my eyes,
And my only ſurprize,
Is, I never yet thought on't before.
VENUS.
'Tis a noble reſolve,
May the ſtars in their ſpheres,
For millions of years,
Still find you each time they revolve,
To your huſband's faults blinder,
He kinder and kinder,
Till Juno and Jove
Are envied below and above.
END OF THE CESTUS.